Dead Horse Jokes

Standing beside a valiant stallion, a beautiful blonde decides she must ride this animal despite having no previous riding experience.
Soon, she finds herself atop the horse's back, galloping through a lush green meadow.
Unsuspecting, the horse suddenly picks up speed and she finds herself euphoric over the freedom she is experiencing.
Once again, the magnificent animal picks up speed except this time her inexperience gets the better of her.
She finds herself barely able to hang on.
The startled horse is now in a dead run and the beautiful blonde finds herself hanging off to one side of the horse, her head just inches from the ground... catastrophe seconds away.
She begins to frantically scream for help when all of a sudden...
Frank, the Wal-Mart door man, calmly walks up and unplugs the ride.

A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe's house and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.'
Joe replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've spent it already.'
Joe said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with it?
Joe said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't flog a dead horse!'
Joe said, 'Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month Later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'
Joe said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £5 apiece and made a profit of £2495.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Joe said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £5 back.'

A cowboy and his lady are riding in the desert

Out of nowhere, their horse stumbles. The cowboy gets down, steps in front of the horse and says, "that's one."
A few miles later, the horse stumbles again. The cowboy climbs down, looks at the horse and says, "that's two."
Further down the path, the horse stumbles a third time. The cowboy gets off, pulls out his p**..., and shoots the horse dead.
The cowboy's lady starts yelling. "What have you done? That was our only horse and we're miles away from any towns. We will never make it through this desert on foot!" The cowboy looks at her and says, "that's one."

That's one.

A man and woman were on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to go for a horse ride through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the wifes's horse mis-steps and jostles her. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes and states, "That's one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.
A bit further down the path, the wife's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "That's two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on.
As the afternoon sun began to set, the wife's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the wife's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a p**... from his jacket, and shoots the horse dead.
The wife, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, "That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!"
The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!"

A city boy was getting ready to move to the country...

He went a local horse breeder and bought a fine looking horse for a $1000 and told the man he'd be back in a week when he moved in to pick it up.
A week later the city boy drives his brand new truck and horse trailer to the breeder's ranch to pick up the horse.
The rancher says, "Sorry mister, the horse you bought died just yesterday."
The city man thinks about this for a moment and says, "Okay, load it up in the trailer."
"The dead horse?" the rancher asks. "Yep" says the city man.
A month later the rancher sees the city man at the local feed mart and says, "Say, what did you do with that dead horse?".
"I auctioned it off for $5 a ticket. I sold 500 tickets and made $2500 and bought myself an even better horse!" says the man. The rancher says "But what did you do after the drawing?"
"Well, I told the winner that the horse had died and I gave him his $5 back."

Three strikes

Wild west. Newlyweds are on their way from the church in their carriage when the horse trips.
‒ "One", counts the husband, to the bewildered glance from his new wife, and they keep going.
Shortly, the horse trips again.
‒ "Two", counts the man, again receiving a puzzled look from his woman.
A little while later the horse trips for a third time.
‒ "Three!", proclaims the man, jumps off the carriage, walks over to the horse and shoots it dead.
The wife, shocked and appalled, runs up to the man and starts shouting at him:
‒ What *are* you doing!? You can't just get rid off something because it has made three mistakes, you can't apply a three-strike rule to everything you have in your life!!
The husband, calmly, looks at his wife and says:
‒ "One"...

One fine day, in the middle of the night...

*This is a humours verse I've known since I was a kid. I don't know where it came from, and my googling has failed me. If anyone else knows the origin, that would be great!*
One fine day, in the middle of the night,
Two dead men, got up to fight,
One lame man, rang up to call an ambulance,
The ambulance came, with two dead horses pulling it,
They ran over a dead cat, and nearly killed it,
Now the cat's in hospital, with nothing wrong with it.
Admission is free, pay at the door,
We'll give you the best seat, so sit on the floor.

A farmer and his wife

A farmer and his wife are traveling in their one-horse wagon down the road.
The horse falters and causes the wagon to jolt. The farmer says, "That's one."
The horse falters again and the farmer says, "That's two."
The horse falters a third time and the farmer stops the wagon, gets out, and shoots the horse dead.
His wife cries out, "You monster! How could you shoot that poor animal? Have you no compassion?!?!"
The farmer sits back down in the wagon and calmly replies, "That's one."

A man and a woman get married in the old west.

They're riding their horses out into the sunset, but the woman's horse stops suddenly and throws the woman off the back. The man jumps down and looks the horse in the eye, and says "That's one."
A little further on, they hear a loud thunderclap, and the woman's horse rears up and tosses her off its back again. The man jumps down and looks the horse in the eye, and says "That's two."
Finally, as they're nearing their house, the horse yet again drops the woman off of it's back. The man looks the horse in the eye and says "That's three." He pulls his gun out and shoots the horse dead.
The woman turns to the man, shocked, and screams "You didn't have to do that! It was a strong horse and we could have sold it for good money!"
Then the man turned around, looked the woman in the eyes, and said "That's one."

A tale about a cowboy's horse

After a long night of drinking beers in the local bar a cowboy decides to head home. He exits the bar and searches for his horse, only to find out that his horse is not there anymore. Infuriated he went back in the bar and screams out loud:'Who stole my horse?'
The bar remaining dead silent, leaving the man to no other option then screaming: 'If no one tells me where my horse is, the same will happen as in 1989, and I do not like to let that happen again...'
With everyone in the bar now terrified, no one dared to speak up or tell the angry cowboy anything. The cowboy repeats himself one more time: 'I do not want to let the same thing happen as in 1989, remember that y'all.'
At that moment, one brave man dares to speak up and ask the mad cowboy what happened back in 1989. 'Then, then I went back home by foot.'

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250.

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chucks house and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell any body he's dead.'
A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.'