Dead Father Jokes

Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard.

Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home, Billy mentioned, "Dad, our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs like that?" His father, thinking quickly, said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad, that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad! Dad, we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" asked his father. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom, flat on her back with her legs in the air, screaming, 'Jesus, I'm coming! I'm coming!' If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down, we'd have lost her for sure!"

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy.

Goodbye Grampa."
Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it.
The next day, the Grandfather died.
A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."
The next day the grandmother died.
Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation.
One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers.
"God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."
This nearly gave the father a heart attack.
He didn’t say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic.
He stayed all through lunch and dinner.
Finally after midnight he went home.
He was still alive!
When he got home he appologised to his wife.
"I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."
"You think you’ve had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU’VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled,
"The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

A couple went to have their baby delivered.

.. Upon arrival, the doctor said there is this new technology that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father, via a machine.
He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer ratio to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband over and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.....
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband both were ecstatic...
When they reached home...The cook was lying dead in the kitchen!

An aircraft is flying when all over sudden a bird crashes through the cockpit and kills both the pilot and co pilot.
Having heard the c**... a blonde flight attendant rushes in to find out what happened.
Once inside the cockpit the plane jerks and the cabin door slams shut and can't be opened.
So she pulls the captain out of his seat and sits down, taking the radio into her hands and says,
"May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! The pilots are dead and I don't know how to fly. Help Me! Please Help Me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position!"
"I'm 5'4 and in the front seat of the plane."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio. "Repeat after me: Our father who art in heaven..."

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He was asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try out for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

An 85 year old man goes to his doctor...

"Doc, I got a big problem."
"I understand you were recently remarried, is that right?"
"Yes. My new wife is 23 years old, and that's exactly the problem. She just told me she's pregnant! I haven't been a father in sixty years, and I don't know what to do."
"Hmm. Let me tell you a story that I think will help explain what's going on here: A near sighted man decides to go bear hunting. On his way out the door, he accidentally picks up his umbrella instead of his rifle. Once he gets to the woods, he is instantly attacked by a ferocious 1,200 pound bear. He picks up his umbrella and shoots it dead. Does that story make sense to you?"
"No! Somebody else must have shot that bear."
"My point exactly."

They invented a machine that takes the pain of childbirth away from the mother and passes it to the father...

... So husband and wife are in the delivery room, and she's in pretty strong labor. The husband says, "Ok doc, gimme some of it, I can handle it". The doctor turns the machine to 20% of pain. The husband says "Wow, I don't feel a thing! Gimme some more doc!" So the doctor turns the machine up to 40% of his wife's pain. Husband says "Geez, I don't know what all these women are complaining about! I barely feel anything! Turn it up all the way!" The doctor turns the machine to 100%, and the wife delivers the baby completely pain free.
The husband, wife, and new baby leave the hospital. The husband is bragging about what a tough guy he is to take all that and not feel a thing. They pull into their driveway and find the mailman dead on the front steps.

A father is getting his daughter ready for bed...

during her bedtime prayer she said, "bless Mommy, bless Daddy, goodbye Grandpa." The father found that to be a little weird, but the following day the little girl's grandfather passed away.
The next night at bedtime her prayer was was similar, "bless Mommy, bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." Sure enough the following day, the little girl's grandma passed away.
The following night at bedtime the daughter gave the most terrifying prayer yet, "bless Mommy, bless my brother, goodbye Daddy." That night the father did not get one bit of sleep, and the following day he made every effort possible to be as careful as he could. Thankfully he made it through the day just fine. Arriving home he told his wife what a terrible day he had to which she interrupted him with, "Oh, you think you've had a horrible day? The milkman dropped dead on the front porch this morning!"

The Pain Machine

A man and his wife are on their way to the hospital because the wife is soon to go into labor. When they arrive, the doctor asks them if they'd be willing to try out an experimental treatment option to alleviate the pain felt by the wife during childbirth. They decide to try it out, and the doctor hooks up a lot of electrodes between the wife and husband.
"This device will take a certain percentage of the pain that you are feeling and transfer it to the father of the child. If he is comfortable with it, you can transfer more and more of the pain, and you won't feel a thing."
She goes into labor, and the doctor starts the machine off at 10%. The husband feels fine, so he tells the doctor he can increase it if he wants to. The doctor increases to 20%, and the husband shows no signs of change. The doctor goes all the way to 35% and the husband starts to get c**... when he still feels fine.
"Know what, doc? Up it to 100%. I think I can take it."
The doctor cranks the machine to 100%, and the husband shows no outward signs of pain. "Ha, honey I knew you women complained too much about this stuff. I don't feel a thing!"
The child is born healthy, and the parents leave the hospital a few days later. They pull up at their house to see police cars in front and their neighbors crowded around. Their next-door neighbor Joe comes up to them in the car, hysterical.
"Karl! Karl! They just found the milkman dead on your front porch!"

A man and his pregnant wife go to the hospital...

A man and his pregnant wife go to the hospital so the wife can give birth. After the nurses get her settled in, the doctor approaches the man and says, "We just got this new machine in that will transfer some of the pain of childbirth to the father. Would you like to try it out?"
The man says, "Well of course. Anything for my wife. Fire it up, doc!"
As the wife begins to have the baby, the doctor cranks up the dial on the machine to 25 percent. The wife screams in pain, but the man says, "I don't feel anything at all."
"That's odd," says the doctor. He adjusts the dial to 50 percent. The wife's screams grow quieter, but the husband still doesn't feel a thing.
"That's uncanny," says the doctor as he turns the dial all the way up to 100 percent. Neither the husband nor his wife feel any pain at all, the baby is delivered healthy, they're discharged from the hospital, they go home, and the mailman is dead on the porch.

The miser's will

A notorious miser died, and in his will he left his $3 million estate split evenly among his three sons: a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer. Being selfish even in death, he left each of them strict instructions to put the money in his coffin when they buried him.
After the f**..., the three were talking, and the doctor said "I have a confession to make. I didn't actually put all the money in the coffin -- it seemed like such a waste. I kept out $200,000 to buy some new equipment for the hospital."
The priest chimed in, "I'm so glad you said that -- I couldn't bring myself to throw away $1 million either. I kept $300,000 to build a new wing on the church."
The lawyer shook his head in disgust and said, "I can't believe you two, ignoring your dead father's wishes like that! When we buried him, that coffin contained my personal check for the full amount of one million dollars!"

A mourning man goes to see Jesus

He walks up to messiah, eyes red from crying.
"Oh Jesus, he snivels", "I need you help. My father died and I ... I need you ..."
"My child, I am here for you, and I knew your father, he was a good man and is certainly in heaven now."
"Comforting as that is, Jesus, I fear not for his fate, what I need is ..."
"To pray with me, and fight through your pain and anguish"
"What? No Jesus, I need no prayers, my father lies dead on his bed, I need you to ..."
"Stay your tongue, not even I bring people back from the dead"
"That is not what I came to you for!" the man cries out. " The other carpenter is out on a business trip, so I would like you to build my father a coffin!"

A priest and a nun are playing golf...

The priest is on the putting green and is an avid golfer. He lines up his shot and swings...and the ball goes far left.
"GOD d**...!" shouted the priest.
The nun, horrified, says "Father, you can't do that, that's offensive". And the priest, looking down, apologizes and asks for her forgiveness.
Once again, he walks up to the ball, lines up his shot, swings, and once again the ball misses the hole. "GOD....d**...!" screamed the priest as he threw his putter on the ground.
"Father!" said the nun, "You are taking the lords name in vain, that is a sin. You are a representative of the church you musn't do that.
And once again the priest says "Sorry. Forgive me".
"Well just try to let it not happen again" said the nun
The priest grabs his putter, lines up his next shot, misses, and screams "GOD d**...!"
The nun cries out "Father! That is enough! You are commiting a sin you are personally offending me, you are taking the lords name in vain. Never do that again"
The priest says "You're right, if I say that again, may the lord strike me dead"
And after a nod of approval from the nun, the priest takes another swing, misses once again, and screams "GOD d**...!"
Just as he says it clouds swell overhead and a powerful bolt of lightening comes down and strikes the nun dead. And the priest heard this big booming voice say....
"OH, GOD d**...!"

Tata daddy

One day a father was walking by his sons room and heard him praying. "God bless mommy and daddy and grandma, tata grandpa" he said. The dad was confused but happy to know that his 6 year,old was praying. The next morning he found grandpa dead of a heart attack. That night he listend to his son again. "God bless mommy and daddy tata grandma." As he suspected he found grandma dead of a heart attack. Then that night he listened to his son again."God bless mommy tata daddy" as you can imagine he was freaking out so he went to the docter and came home and found his wife and she said "Thankgoodness your here we found the mailman dead on our porch this morning!"

Little Johnny...

... came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?
His father thinking quickly said, Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.
Geee Dad that's great, said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!
What do you mean? said Dad.
Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming If it hadn't of been for Uncle Carl holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!

The world's greatest swordsman

A young man climbs a mountain to a ledge, where there sits an old man with a sword in his lap. The young man says, "I seek the greatest swordsman in the world."
Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly. The fly falls to the ground in two pieces.
The young man says, "Surely you are the greatest swordsman in the world."
The old man says, "No. Further up the mountain is a swordsman greater than I."
So the young man climbs up the mountain to another ledge where there sits an even older man with a sword in his lap.
The young man says, "I seek the greatest swordsman in the world."
Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly. The fly falls to the ground in three pieces.
The young man says, "Surely you are the greatest swordsman in the world."
The old man says, "No. At the top of this mountain is the greatest swordsman."
So the young man climbs up to the top of the mountain, where there sits an even older man with a sword in his lap.
The young man says, "I seek the greatest swordsman in the world."
Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly. The fly buzzes away.
"What's going on," the young man yells. "I thought you were supposed to be the greatest swordsman in the world. You couldn't even kill that fly."
"No," the old man says. "That fly is not dead. But that fly will never again father children."

A married couple went to the hospital

So that the woman could give birth to her child. Upon their arrival the doctor told them that they invented a new machine where they could transfer some of the labor pain to the father. He asked them if they would like to try it and they agreed. So the doctor set the pain to be transferred to 10% and told the man that this would be the most painful thing he ever experienced. But when labor set in the man still felt absolutely fine and the doctor set the machine to 20%. The man still felt fine so the doctor set it to 50% whilst checking the vitals man. Still no problem for the man. So he asked the doctor if he could set it to 100% because he could see how comfortable his wife was getting. After 2 hours of labor the woman gave birth to a healthy baby. Both were pretty astonished, thanked the doctor left. When they came home the milkman was lying dead on the porch.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a j**... lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a j**... lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.

So a Jewish family has a baby!

It's a beautiful baby boy, and they love him very much. The dad wants to know, however, what the little boy will grow up to be like. So he takes the baby to the Rabbi, who says that there's a simple test. On a long table, the Rabbi places a stack of money, a bottle of whiskey, and a Torah. "If your son crawls to the money, he'll have a good job as a banker, and take care of you and your wife until you're dead and gone. If he goes for the whiskey, he's no good, a drunk, might as well drop him at the orphanage on the way home for all the good he'll do you. Finally, if he picks up the Torah, he'll be a Rabbi like me. A good, honest, man of God."
So the father puts the baby on the table, and the baby picks up the money. "YAY!" they cheer, as the baby starts crawling again. Now, the Rabbi looks worried. The baby now picks up the bottle of whiskey with its other hand. "Oh no" says the Rabbi. They then watch as the baby crawls again, and also picks up the Torah. "NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!" the Rabbi cries. "WHAT IS IT??? What's wrong with my son?!?!" the father panicks.
"I'm so so sorry, but your son is going to be the worst thing of all!" says the Rabbi. "Your son is going to be a Catholic!"
[

I know all about it.

One day little timmy overheard a conversation on the bus where a man was telling his friend how he would get his wife to tell him whatever he wanted by saying "i know all about it"
Taking the knowledge of these words little timmy went home and was
greeted by his mother, to which he said "i know all about it" shocked the mother said "i didn't want you to find out about that so heres $20 if you don't tell your father".
So little timmy went up to his father and after his father greeted him little timmy said "i know all about it", his father was confused for a minute and then quietly said "don't tell your mother about this" and gave him $40.
Rather proud of himself timmy walked out the door to spend his money, Upon leaving the house timmy saw the mailman and thought he would try his luck one last time, So he looked the mailman dead in the eyes and said "i know all about it".Immediatly the mailman said "hello son".

The armless bell ringer.

A church was looking for a new bell ringer and so had posted fliers for anyone wanting the job to come speak to the priest. The next day a man with no arms showed up wanting the job.
"I don't want to offend you, sir," said the priest," but how exactly do you plan on ringing the bell with no arms?"
"Have a little faith, father!" said the man, "just take me up the tower and I'll show you."
The priest led the man up to the bell, and the man proceeded to walk to one end of the room and sprint full speed toward the bell. He crashed headlong into the bell which rung with a resounding BONNNNNNNNG and the man bounced off, fell out of the tower and hit the ground dead.
A crowd gathered to see what had happened and one man exclaimed "My God! Does anyone know this poor soul?"
A man in the back of the crowed said "No, but his face sure rings a bell."

Blonde Co-Pilot

This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out for help.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! First, give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "repeat after me: Our Father...Who art in Heaven....."

A Child's Prayer

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

A man is woken up in the middle of the night by his son screaming. He quickly goes and wakes him up.

Man: "Son What's the matter?"
Son: "Dad it was the scariest dream! A man dressed in black came and told me my aunt is going to die tomorrow!"
Man: "Son it was just a dream don't worry."
The next day he comes home and his wife is crying.
Man: "Honey what's wrong?"
Wife: "my mother called my sister just dropped dead!"
That night the man is woken again by his son screaming and he wakes him up.
Son: "Dad the man in black came to me again in my dream and said tomorrow my father is going to die!"
Man: "Son your aunt dying was just a coincidence don't worry about me I'll be fine."
The next day the man is freaked he doesn't take any elevators, doesn't walk over any grates and jumps at any noise.
When he get home his wife takes one look at him.
Wife: "Honey you look awful what is going on?"
Man "I have had the worst day ever I feel awful and just want to go to bed."
Wife: "You think you had a bad day? This afternoon the mailman dropped dead on the front porch!"

GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a v**... and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead; He had to get up because there was still work to do.

God enjoys a good laugh!!

(found on my FB newsfeed)
**There were three good arguments that Jesus was Black:**
* He called everyone brother;
* He liked Gospel;
* He didn't get a fair trial.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:**
* He went into His Father's business;
* He lived at home until he was 33;
* He was sure his Mother was a v**... and his Mother was sure He was God.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:**
* He talked with His hands;
* He had wine with His meals;
* He used olive oil.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:**
* He never cut His hair;
* He walked around barefoot all the time;
* He started a new religion.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:**
* He was at peace with nature;
* He ate a lot of fish;
* He talked about the Great Spirit.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:**
* He never got married;
* He was always telling stories;
* He loved green pastures.
**But the most compelling evidence of all - three proofs that Jesus was a woman:**
* He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food;
* He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it;
* And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.
Can I get an AMEN!!

There once was an old cathedral in rural England...

There once was an old cathedral in rural England. It was near a small village and most of the people that lived there attended church every week. This was a sad time for the people of this village, as the much beloved bell ringer for the church had fallen ill and died.
The head minister of this cathedral had taken the death quite hardly, as he had been good friends with the man. Reluctantly, he put up a notice in the village square that they would be needing a replacement bell ringer. He knew that a man for the job was needed before the f**... of the old ringer.
Now, the day after notice was posted, the minister was in his study reading when a young man no older than 20 walked in. The minister looked up and asked, "What can I do for you, young man?"
The man, visibly eager to speak, replied, "I'm here about the posting you've made. I want to be the next bell ringer." There was an enthusiasm on this man's face that caught the minister's attention.
The minister, somewhat recognizing this enthusiasm, inquired, "Well that may be something we could discuss. But first, I must know, have I seen you here at the church or around town? You seem rather familiar."
"No, sir, I don't believe we've met before," the man replied.
"Ah, well then, it's very nice to make your acquaintance," said the minister. He reached out to shake the young man's hand, when he noticed something very out of the ordinary. The man had no arms! The minister pulled back his hand and apologized for the gesture.
"It's no problem, sir, I've been without them for my whole life, I'm quite used to that." The man redirected the conversation back to the job. "Now, I'd really like to talk about becoming the next bell ringer!"
The minister, slightly taken aback, wondered whether the armless man was serious. "My dear boy, surely you must be joking. You've got no arms! I mean no offense, but there is no way you could pull those heavy ropes to ring the bells."
The young man still had an eagerness about him, insisting that the minister give him a shot. "I can do it, let me show you! Please sir, I know I can do it. Come with me up the bell tower and I'll show you!"
At this point, the minister was wondering whether the man had some sort of brain damage as well. There was absolutely no way a man with no arms could ring those bells. But, being the generous man that he was, the minister decided to at least humor the man and go up into the bell tower with him.
Once they reached the top of the tower where the bells were held, the minister asked how the young man was going to ring them. "Like this," he simply replied with an odd smile on his face. The man took some step back towards one open arches that made up the bell tower, disregarding the ropes that hung next to him. He began walking slowly, then burst into a sprint, jumped, and smacked his forehead on the edge of the bell.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG
The minister couldn't believe it. This armless man had just mad the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard come out of that bell. Astounded, he turned to the man and exclaimed, "Dear boy, did you really just do that?"
Unfazed, the young man responded excitedly, "Yes sir! Would you like me to do it again?" Without waiting for an answer, the man once again stepped back to the arch, took a running start, jumped, and smacked his forehead against the bell.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG
Now, the minister was truly speechless. Although his previous thoughts about brain damage were almost certainly proven, he simply could not believe how beautiful the sound was that the bell made. He looked at the man, seeing no sign of harm to his head, but only a smile that showed how confident he was. The minister then made the final decision to make this young man the next bell ringer.
A few days had passed, and it was time for the f**... for the former ringer. Nearly the entire village showed up to mourn his passing. As the f**... dragged on as only funerals can, the newly appointed ringer made his way up the tower to give the bells a good BWONG-ing after the final eulogy had ended. This was his biggest break, his chance to show the entire village that he could be a great ringer. The excitement from that first day had swelled up until this point.
He listed for the sound of the last "Amen" from the congregation. It was his time now. The armless man closed his eyes to take it all in. After a deep sigh, he took some steps back, broke into a run, jumped, and smacked his forehead on the edge of the bell. Then, to his surprise, he tripped on a large old nail as he landed, stumbled toward one of the arches, and, unable to balance himself, fell out of the tower to his death.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG ... ... ... SPLAT!
The f**...-goers heard this strange sound and all rushed outside to see what was the matter. To their surprise, they found the newly appointed ringer dead on the ground. The crowd began talking among themselves, wondering who knew this man and whether any of his family was present. One man thought he had recognized the deceased man earlier with a family, but couldn't quite put his finger on it whether it was him or not. Everyone could agree that this man looked familiar.
As the minister finally reached the body through the crowd, he knelt down and wept beside him. A woman in the crowd asked, "Father, did you know who this man was?"
"No," he solemnly answered, "but his face sure rang a bell."

Legs in the Air

Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,"Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

What Does Your Father Do?

It is the first day of kindegarten and the teacher is going around the room asking everyone what their father does for work.
1st Child: My dad is a policeman, he sends bad guys to jail!
2nd Child: My dad is a fireman, he puts out fires!
3rd Child: My dad is dead.
The teacher asks:
Well, what did your father do before he died?
3rd Child: Well, he went "AAAAKKKKKKKKK"

Strange Punishment

Little Johnnie, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnnie. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnnie pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"
Early that evening, Johnnie's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnnie's mother looked up to find Johnnie and his father standing there watching her.
To which Johnnie said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or should I?"

In honor of Mother's Day ... sort of

A woman goes into labor and her husband is her birthing coach. In the delivery room, a doctor shows the two a brand new invention that allows the father to share some of the labor pains, which takes some of the pressure off of the mother. The man agrees. He begins at 20%. "No problem," he tells the doctor, so they turn it up to 40%. The man says "I don't see what the big deal is! Crank it up!" Finally they put him at 80%. The mother has a much easier labor and a gives birth to a baby boy.
Later that day, the man gets a telephone call from one of his neighbors. "It's the damndest thing," the neighbor says. "The mailman just dropped dead on your front doorstep this morning."

Childbirth: Special Delivery

A woman goes to a hospital with her husband to give birth because she is going into labor. When she arrives, the doctor tells her, "Ma'm, we have a device that will transfer pain from the mother giving birth to the father. It's incredible! Would you like to use it?"
The woman agrees and they hook her up to the machine. They turn the pain transfer to 25% given to the father. Her husband says that he is not feeling anything, but the woman is feeling less pain. So, they turn it up to 50% and the husband still feels nothing. The hospital staff turn it straight up to 100% and the woman has a painless childbirth and leaves hours later with her child.
When they arrive home, the woman says to her husband, "That was great! It's incredible that we both went through without any pain." As they get out of the car, the family goes to the front door to find the mailman dead on the doorstep. *

The boy went to say his nightly prayers....

His father listened from the door as the boy said "God bless mommy, God bless Daddy, God Bless Grandma, goodbye grandpa"
The next day the family awoke to found the grandpa dead, but brushed it off as an awful coincidence.
A few days go by and the boy is saying his prayer "God bless mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma."
Sure enough the next day she is dead, and the father is starting to really freak out.
A week goes by and the boy is saying his prayers "God bless mommy, goodbye Daddy"
The next day the father wakes up, goes to work, and stresses the entire day about his fate. When he gets home he is upset and wants to console with his wife. She is also upset and he asks what wrong.
She says "You'll never believe what happened today the mailman came to deliver the mail and dropped dead right on the doorstep"

A couple is about to give birth

The doctor tells the couple to be about an experimental new machine that can help with the pain of labor. The device will allow the mother to transfer some of the pain over to the father of the child.
The labor begins, and the wife begins clenching the husbands hand. She shouts it too much, and the doctor turns the dial to 25%. The husband winces a bit, but he endures. The wife once again, cries the pain is too much. The doctor raises it to 50%. Now the husband is noticeably perturbed, but he endures. Finally, the wife in agony cries once more. The husband asks for the doctor to give him all of it.
Once the machine is at full tilt, the woman has an easy time delivering a healthy girl. They take there child home to find the milk-man dead on the door step.

Legs up in the Air

One day little Susie went into her back yard and found her dog Muffles lying dead with its legs up in the air. She asked, "Daddy, Daddy why is Muffles legs in the air?" Thinking quickly, her dad replied, "This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier."
The next day when Susie's dad came home she ran up to him and said, "Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today." Flustered, her father said, "Honey what happened?" And Susie said, "Well Mommy's legs were up in the air and she was screaming 'Oh Jesus I'm coming I'm coming' and if it wasn't for the milkman holding her down she would have been a gonner."

Job Fatality in Ireland

An Irish woman is making supper when she hears a knock on the cottage door. It's the priest and he has his hat in his hand, looking solemnly at the ground.
She's says "oh no, it's bad news isn't it father!"
"Yes, tis" says the priest.
"About my husband?? is he dead, father?" She gasps.
"There was a terrible accident at the brewery, he fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned"
"Was it a quick death, father?"
"Truth be told, he got out 3 times to pee"

Story of a dizzy blond !!!!

This is a story of a poor dizzy blond flying in a seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She,frantic,calls out a May Day.
"May day! May day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead and i dont know how to fly. Help me! Please Help me!"
She heards a voice over the radio saying:
"This is air traffic control and i have you loud and clear.i willtalk you through this and get you back on ground. i've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now,just take a deep breath. Everything wil be fine! Now give me your height and position! "
She says , "I'm 5'4 and i'm in front seat."
(Pause)
"O.K." says the voice in the radio.......
"Reapeat after me : Our father who art in heaven"

Well, that was not good..

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth, and the
doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd
like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of
childbirth from the mother and give it to the father to ease the>mother's
burden.
Well, they thought that was a good idea and decided to give it a try,
so the doctor set it on ten percent to begin with, telling the man
that even ten percent was probably more pain than he had ever
experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he was
feeling and asked the doctor to raise it. So he put it up to twenty
percent, and when the man still felt fine, he raised it to fifty and
finally one hundred percent. After it was over, the man stood up,
stretched a little, and helped his wife into the car, both of them
feeling fine.
When they got home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.

A man goes to pick up his newly born son.

So the new father goes to the hospital and says to the doctor, "hi I'm here to pick up my newly born son."
The doctor says, "sure! Come right this way!"
The doctor goes across the room, picks up the baby, turns and drops the baby.
The father says, "what the--!"
The doctor says, "I'm sorry, im sorry!" Picks up the baby, brushes it off and walks closer to the new father.
Then, the doctor drops the baby again. But this time, giving it a little kick on the way down.
The father says, "hey! What's the deal?"
The doctor says, "I'm sorry I'm sorry!" He picks up the baby, brushes it off and walks closer to the new father.
This time, the doctor takes the baby by the ankle, waves it over his head and throws the baby at a wall. Both watching, the baby slides slowly down the wall. The father says, "my goodness! What on earth is wrong with you?! You're going to hurt my newborn!"
The doctor says, "hahaha, don't worry! Your baby was already dead yesterday!"

Monkey Business

Cop shows up to a bad car wreck.
Car flipped over, family of four dead.
Cop sees a monkey hopping around trying to get his attention.
He asks the monkey, "Were you in this wreck with the family?"
Monkey shakes his head yes.
Cop asks, "What were the two kids doing at the time?"
Monkey pretends he's fighting with someone.
Cop says, "Ah, kids were fighting. And what was the mother doing?"
Monkey looks over his shoulder pretending to be yelling.
Cop goes, "Ah, yelling at the kids. And what was the father doing?"
Monkey pretends he's drinking.
Cop goes, "I see, he was drinking, hmm."
The cop gets up and is about to walk away, then turns to the monkey and says, "By the way, while all this was going on, what were you doing?"
Monkey pretends he's driving.

A man's dog dies

A fine elderly Catholic gentleman lived alone in Southwest Florida in an upscale gated community except for his beloved dog that he had for a long time.
The dog finally died and the gent went to the parish priest, saying "Father, my dear dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the grief stricken man "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a Baptist church down the road, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
The old fellow said "I'll go right now. Thank you Father...By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick replied
"Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside

with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Little Billy.

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air.
Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

A woman goes into labor...

A woman and her husband go to the hospital as she goes into labor. The doctor tells them that they are trying a new machine that will transfer a percentage of the pain to the father. The couple decides to try it out. They want to start at 10% and see from there. The husband doesnt feel too much, so they crank it up to 20%. He is still feeling good and they decide to bring it all the way up to 50%. At this point, he is still not feeling very much pain, and he sees how much it is helping his wife. They eventually go all the way up to 100% and the child is born with no pain for the mother. The couple finally gets home and finds the mailman dead on the porch.

Little Totos and his father.

One day little Totos returning home after school, found his dog dead on the lawn with its feet up in the air. "Dad why did the dog die with his feet up in the air" said Totos, "That's because its easier for god to come and take him" his father replied. The other day when his father returned home from work Totos run to him and said with teary eyes "dad, mom almost died today", "what do you mean" his father said, "she was in your room with her legs up in the air and she was screaming Jesus am coming am coming, thank god our gardener was there and saved her"

Every night, before bed, a little girl prays...

The first night she prays: Goodnight Mommy. Goodnight Daddy. Goodnight Grandma. Goodbye Grandpa
The next day the grandfather dies
The second night she prays: Goodnight Mommy. Goodnight Daddy. Goodbye Grandma
The next day the grandmother dies.
The next night she prays: Goodnight Mommy. Goodbye Daddy
The father hears this and goes into an immediate panic. He spends the following day with extra precautions, worried that it could happen at any moment, but nothing happens.
Upon arriving home, the father tells his wife about his day and she replied: You thought you had a bad day?!? The milkman dropped dead on our front porch this morning!

Jimmy lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Jimmy went to the parish priest and asked,
"Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' say a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied,
"I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Protestants down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Jimmy said,
"I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed,
"Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"