Dead End Jokes
102 dead end jokes and hilarious dead end puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about dead end that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Dead End Short Jokes
Short dead end jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dead end humour may include short endless jokes also.
- What do Logan Paul and the kid from The Sixth Sense have in common? Their careers ended after seeing dead people.
- I saw the saddest movie ever. A man ended up jacking off to his dead wife's photo and crying. It was absolutely tear jerking.
- What did one river say to the other river as they raced down a hill and suddenly hit a dead end? Dam!
- dr seuss cheated on his wife and she ended up killing herself. One wife, two wife, dead wife, new wife
- I thought about being a mortician On one hand people are dying to get into that field
but i hear its dead end job - What's the fastest way to end an argument with a girl? Tell her to calm down. You'll be dead but the argument will be over. Noticed I said fastest way, not best .
- Pink Panther was looking for his friend's apartment. He drives into a street and suddenly drives out.
It was a
Dead-end.
Dead-end.
Dead-end dead-end dead-end dead-end dead-ennnnd... - My boss said to me, "you're the anchor of this company!" He knows I'm a dead weight at the end of my rope...
- Joking about Kim jong uns death and corona are kind of the same. First we made memes about it.... ....then we either ended up dead or locked inside
- Two men walk into bar As they sit down, the bartender ask them what they want to drink
First orders: I'd like some H2O,
Second: I'd like H2O too.
At the end of the shift, one of them is dead
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Dead End One Liners
Which dead end one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dead end? I can suggest the ones about wrong turn and crossing road.
- Kim Jong il is dead? I guess that's the end of HIS Korea.
- There's a graveyard at the end of my street. I guess it really is a dead end.
- What's another term for a "dead end job"? "Income without outcome".
- How did the pepper end up getting killed? A salt with deadly weapon
- Why did the corn maze go back to school? It was tired of working in a dead end field.
- If you laid all the veins in your body end to end... you'd be dead.
- What kind of street to ghosts, goblins and ghouls live on? A Dead End.
- I never really like going to funerals Every conversations i had leads to a dead end
- What is the street that dead-ends called? Wall Street
- The Walking Dead Even in the apocalypse black guys end up behind bars!
- What part of the road to ghosts like to travel? The dead end
- I hate dead end roads. There's no two ways about it.
- What do you call a grave at the end of your road? A dead end.
- I told her she can pick from a bunch of dead ends
- My buddy told me he wanted to study paleontology... I told him it was a dead-ends job.
Dead End Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about dead end you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dead body jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make dead end pranks.
An alcoholic, a s**... and a gay went to a doctor.
The doctor told them that if they do again what they think are addicted to, they will die.
As soon as the alcoholic went out of the hospital, he saw a bar.
He thought for a while and said to himself, "If I drink one, I will die, if I don’t drink, I will die, too. So it’s better to get drunk."
And he entered the bar, drank and died.
At that time, the s**... saw one cigarette-end on the street.
The gay walking behind him started crying, "Don’t! Don’t do it!"
"Why? I want to smoke so much."
"If you bend... we both are dead!"
A man answers the telephone to find a doctor from the hospital's emergency room on the other end.
"Sir," explains the doctor, "Your wife was in a serious car accident. I have bad news and good news."
The man, taken back, asks hesitatntly, "What's the bad news?"
"The bad news is your wife has lost all use of both arms and both legs. She will likely be on a respirator for the rest of her life."
"Heavens, Doc, what's the good news?"
The doctor replies, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
Chuck Norris was asked to star in Night of the Living Dead but filming was ended after the zombies were to afraid to be roundhouse kicked in the face.
The Ballerina
This n**..., sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"
The bartender pours the drink and the woman c**... it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"
After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"
The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"
A pastor takes four earthworms and places them in different jars at the start of the service.
Each jar contained something different, the first had alcohol, the second had cigerette butts and smoke, the third had all sorts of sweets, and the forth had good, clean dirt. At the end of the service, the pastor pulls the jars back out and removes the worm from the alcohol. "Dead!" exclaims the pastor. Next is the worm in the cigerette smoke. "Dead!". The worm in the sweets "DEAD!" Finally the worm in the dirt, "Look at this! He is alive!"
"Can anyone tell me what the moral of this story is?"
Mrs. Jones, an elderly woman in the front row, stands up and exclaims "If you drink, smoke, and eat nothing but candy, you won't get worms!"
Mental Hospital
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
New Alabama Preacher
The new Alabama preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty. One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately. He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!"
No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I just stopped by to have a prayer with you." She invited him right in.
He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty.
Eventually, he came to the house at the end of the street. It turned out to be the residence of a young widow. When the Reverend knocked on her door, the young widow was taking a shower. Hearing the knock, she just wrapped a towel around herself, ran to the door and threw it open.
When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - which allowed the towel to fall to the floor putting all her wonderful young and luscious curves on display. "Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway Twitty!"
The preacher just smiled and said, "Hello, Darlin."
Philosophy Major: True story
With five minutes left in his class, a philosophy professor decides to talk about his own college experience.
Philosophy is basically a dead-end major. You know where your career is going when you sign up for it. He looks at one student and asks, What would your parents say if you told them you were changing your major to Philosophy.
The student says, They'd be thrilled. See, I am a theater major.
Two guys were out hunting. . .
Two guys are out hunting and while they were walking one of them grabs his chest and falls forward
Panicked the other guy calls 911 and says I think my friend is dead . . .
The operator says "ok calm down first lets make sure he is dead."
It goes silent on the hunters end and then you hear a gunshot. . .
The guy gets on the phone and says "okay, now what?"
A woman was walking home all alone...
It was late at night in a sketchy part of town. She notices the figure of a tall dark man about a block behind her, but thinks nothing of it and continues to walk home. A little while later she checks again and the figure is still there, but this time significantly closer to her, she quickens her pace and continues checking over her shoulder, each time the dark figure closes the gap little by little. She decides she can't take it anymore and starts running, the chase is on. In a moment of panic the woman turns down a dead end alleyway, wherein the stalker knew she was trapped. The figure, slowly approaching the dainty, defenseless victim let out a s**... but grimacing "mmmm." The woman tried to scream, but nothing came from her t**..., she was slowly accepting her fate and slumped into a corner, clinging to the wall, pleading and weeping silently to herself. The would be r**... then threw open its trench coat, revealing tight fitting clothes over a woman's body, and childishly shrieked "Orange you glad I don't have a banana?"
A pint, a dog and an old lady
A guy goes into a bar and as he orders a drink he notices a jar at the end of the bar full of money. He says to the barman "what's that about?" to which the barman replies "you pay a tenner and have to complete 3 challenges, if you are successful you win all the money in the jar. Would you like to try it?" The man says he'll think about it and sits down with his drink. After about 8 pints the man staggers up to the bar and slams a tenner on down in front of the barman, "Okay pal, I'll have a go".
So the barman says "ok, challenge number 1, here's a pint of tequila, you have to drink all of that without coughing it up or being sick". It takes the man a couple of minutes but he finishes the drink.
"well done" says the barman. "The next challenge, there's a guard dog outside with a bad tooth, you need to go out there and remove it. After that, there's a woman upstairs, she's 83, never had s**... in her life. I want you go up there and show her a real good time".
So the man goes outside and for about 15 minutes there is a lot of barking, shouting and screaming. Then after a while it goes quiet. The barman walks outside to find out what's happened... The dogs dead. The man who's out of breath turns to the barman and says "Right... Where's this old lady with the bad tooth?"
The Czechoslovakian and the German
A Czech and a German entered into a contest. The point of the contest was to guess the right 7 numbers and win an all expense paid trip to Alaska to hunt a grizzly bear. The contest ended and it turns out the two men guessed the same winning numbers, so both got to go on the hunt.
After arriving in the camp and getting settled they decide to head out tomorrow with the guide to hunt the mighty bear. But the next day the guide is feeling under the weather so the two men decide to go out alone. After hiking through rugged mountains for hours they come into a clearing and see two bears, a male and a female. The German takes aim and pulls the trigger... "Click"! The all expense paid trip didn't come with ammo. The sound startled the bears and they charged. The Czech pulls his knife and rushes at the bears. The German tries to pull his p**... but stumbled backwards, hit his head, and fell into a river. When he comes to he sees the guide kneeling over him.
After being briefed on the situation they
decide to track the bears and save the Czech. They find the female bear chewing on a boot, the guide takes aim and... "Bang!", the bear is dead. The two men cut open the bear and her stomach is empty except for a few fish. The German utters the immortal words," The Czechs in the Male"
Marriage or Death
At my second wedding my buddy was giving a speech. He started by telling me he had some bad news - 50% of marriages end in divorce. That's not the worst part though - the other half end in death. So I started thinking, my first one ended in divorce, so the odds are in my favor. I wondered about the math, so I started doing the equation and it turns out I'd rather be single than dead.
- I'm writing a set, notes and critiques are more than welcome
The armless bell ringer.
A church was looking for a new bell ringer and so had posted fliers for anyone wanting the job to come speak to the priest. The next day a man with no arms showed up wanting the job.
"I don't want to offend you, sir," said the priest," but how exactly do you plan on ringing the bell with no arms?"
"Have a little faith, father!" said the man, "just take me up the tower and I'll show you."
The priest led the man up to the bell, and the man proceeded to walk to one end of the room and sprint full speed toward the bell. He crashed headlong into the bell which rung with a resounding BONNNNNNNNG and the man bounced off, fell out of the tower and hit the ground dead.
A crowd gathered to see what had happened and one man exclaimed "My God! Does anyone know this poor soul?"
A man in the back of the crowed said "No, but his face sure rings a bell."
Jim and Mary.
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
Bob, John, Fred and James were golfing....
They're on the 13th fairway and Fred is about to take his approach shot when a f**... procession turns the corner and proceeds down the road parallel to the fairway. Fred lays his club down and takes his hat off and holds it over his heart. He stays like this until the hearse at the end of the procession is out of sight. The other guys look on in awe stuned at Fred's act. James finally says: "Fred, that was very touching of you to honor the dead in such a fashion." Fred replies: "Yep, we would have been married 22 years next month."
Go tell Mrs. Smith . . .
Six retired Floridian men were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Mr. Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Mr. Jones looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?
They cut the cards. Mr. Miller picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Mr. Miller goes over to the Smiths' condo and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Smith answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Mr. Miller says: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is really afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Mr. Miller.
Baseball & Football -George Carlin
Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out.
Also: in football,basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring.
In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager. And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do. If you'd ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders uniform,you'd know the reason for this custom.
Now, I've mentioned football. Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.
I enjoy comparing baseball and football:
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.The baseball park!
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.
Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.
Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?
In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.
In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.
Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.
Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.
Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.
Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.
In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.
And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:
In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.
In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!
Two hunters are in the woods when one is killed by a bear...
The second hunter scared off the bear, and immediately rang 911. 'I'm in the woods with my friend' he said. 'He was mauled by a bear, I think he might be dead! What should I do?'
The operator at the other end replied 'Well the first thing you must do is make sure he is definitely dead'. The hunter thanks the operator and the line goes dead. As the operator waits, he hears a faint gunshot, before the hunter returns. 'Ok, what should I do now?'
There once was an old cathedral in rural England...
There once was an old cathedral in rural England. It was near a small village and most of the people that lived there attended church every week. This was a sad time for the people of this village, as the much beloved bell ringer for the church had fallen ill and died.
The head minister of this cathedral had taken the death quite hardly, as he had been good friends with the man. Reluctantly, he put up a notice in the village square that they would be needing a replacement bell ringer. He knew that a man for the job was needed before the f**... of the old ringer.
Now, the day after notice was posted, the minister was in his study reading when a young man no older than 20 walked in. The minister looked up and asked, "What can I do for you, young man?"
The man, visibly eager to speak, replied, "I'm here about the posting you've made. I want to be the next bell ringer." There was an enthusiasm on this man's face that caught the minister's attention.
The minister, somewhat recognizing this enthusiasm, inquired, "Well that may be something we could discuss. But first, I must know, have I seen you here at the church or around town? You seem rather familiar."
"No, sir, I don't believe we've met before," the man replied.
"Ah, well then, it's very nice to make your acquaintance," said the minister. He reached out to shake the young man's hand, when he noticed something very out of the ordinary. The man had no arms! The minister pulled back his hand and apologized for the gesture.
"It's no problem, sir, I've been without them for my whole life, I'm quite used to that." The man redirected the conversation back to the job. "Now, I'd really like to talk about becoming the next bell ringer!"
The minister, slightly taken aback, wondered whether the armless man was serious. "My dear boy, surely you must be joking. You've got no arms! I mean no offense, but there is no way you could pull those heavy ropes to ring the bells."
The young man still had an eagerness about him, insisting that the minister give him a shot. "I can do it, let me show you! Please sir, I know I can do it. Come with me up the bell tower and I'll show you!"
At this point, the minister was wondering whether the man had some sort of brain damage as well. There was absolutely no way a man with no arms could ring those bells. But, being the generous man that he was, the minister decided to at least humor the man and go up into the bell tower with him.
Once they reached the top of the tower where the bells were held, the minister asked how the young man was going to ring them. "Like this," he simply replied with an odd smile on his face. The man took some step back towards one open arches that made up the bell tower, disregarding the ropes that hung next to him. He began walking slowly, then burst into a sprint, jumped, and smacked his forehead on the edge of the bell.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG
The minister couldn't believe it. This armless man had just mad the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard come out of that bell. Astounded, he turned to the man and exclaimed, "Dear boy, did you really just do that?"
Unfazed, the young man responded excitedly, "Yes sir! Would you like me to do it again?" Without waiting for an answer, the man once again stepped back to the arch, took a running start, jumped, and smacked his forehead against the bell.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG
Now, the minister was truly speechless. Although his previous thoughts about brain damage were almost certainly proven, he simply could not believe how beautiful the sound was that the bell made. He looked at the man, seeing no sign of harm to his head, but only a smile that showed how confident he was. The minister then made the final decision to make this young man the next bell ringer.
A few days had passed, and it was time for the f**... for the former ringer. Nearly the entire village showed up to mourn his passing. As the f**... dragged on as only funerals can, the newly appointed ringer made his way up the tower to give the bells a good BWONG-ing after the final eulogy had ended. This was his biggest break, his chance to show the entire village that he could be a great ringer. The excitement from that first day had swelled up until this point.
He listed for the sound of the last "Amen" from the congregation. It was his time now. The armless man closed his eyes to take it all in. After a deep sigh, he took some steps back, broke into a run, jumped, and smacked his forehead on the edge of the bell. Then, to his surprise, he tripped on a large old nail as he landed, stumbled toward one of the arches, and, unable to balance himself, fell out of the tower to his death.
BWOOOOOOOOONNNG ... ... ... SPLAT!
The f**...-goers heard this strange sound and all rushed outside to see what was the matter. To their surprise, they found the newly appointed ringer dead on the ground. The crowd began talking among themselves, wondering who knew this man and whether any of his family was present. One man thought he had recognized the deceased man earlier with a family, but couldn't quite put his finger on it whether it was him or not. Everyone could agree that this man looked familiar.
As the minister finally reached the body through the crowd, he knelt down and wept beside him. A woman in the crowd asked, "Father, did you know who this man was?"
"No," he solemnly answered, "but his face sure rang a bell."
The farmer's wife went into a coma...
... at home, and he summoned the doctor.
"She's gone," said the doc after examining the woman. "I'm very sorry. I'll call the f**... home for you."
The morticians carried the body down the porch steps and started to round the corner of the house into the driveway when the lead bearer suddenly lurched to avoid a holly bush, lost his balance, and dropped his end of the stretcher. The jolt brought the woman back to consciousness. In a week, she'd made a full recovery and was back at the farm.
Several years later she went into a coma again. This time the doctor sadly assured her husband she was unquestionably dead.
The undertakers were summoned. As the stretcher bearers inched down the steps and headed for the driveway with the corpse, the farmer cautioned, "Watch out for that holly bush."
"911, what is your emergency?"
The voice coming through the dispatcher's headset was that of a young man, clearly in a state of panic. "Ma'am, you gotta help me! I was hunting in the woods with my buddy, and all of a sudden he just turned blue and fell over! I think he's dead! What am I gonna do? You gotta help me!"
"All right, sir—calm down, and everything's going to be all right. The first thing is, I need you to make sure he's actually dead. Can you do that for me, sir?"
"Yeah, I think so. Just a second…"
Silence on the other end of the line.
The sound of a gunshot.
"OK, what now?"
You know that cemetery?
It's the dead center of town.
I hear people are dying to get in there.
I worked at a cemetery once. It was a dead end job.
I worked with a bunch of dead beats.
However, I did have a lot of people under me.
Go tell Meyer's wife . . .
Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"
They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet.
Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door.
The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.
Two boys are playing cowboys and Indians
when the "Indian" falls to the ground, clutching his chest. The other kid, worried, quickly calls 911.
"Hello, my friend is dead, I believe," he tells the operator.
"Have you checked?" responds the operator.
"Well, no" says the "cowboy".
"In that case, make sure he actually is dead" instructs the operator.
At the other end of the line, the boy drops the phone. After the sound of hurried footsteps, a loud, literal BANG reaches the operator's ears. The "cowboy" picks up the phone again and states:
"Yep, he's dead".
Lawyer Joke
The phone rings at Smith and Associates Law Firm. The receptionist answers, and the voice on the other end says"I'd like to speak to Mr. Smith the lawyer please." The receptionist asks in a somber tone,"Are you a client of Mr. Smith's?" "No," the caller says "but my ex wife was." the receptionist responds, "I'm deeply saddened to inform you that Mr. Smith passed away last night." "Thank you," the caller says and hangs up. Only minutes later, the receptionist picks up the phone to hear the same voice ask, "can I speak to Mr. Smith? ". Confused, she again replies, "I'm sorry but Mr. Smith passed away last night. The caller hangs up, but moments later calls back and asks to speak to Mr. Smith. "Look, "the receptionist says in frustration, "I've tool you twice already Mr. Smith is dead!" "I know," the caller says cheerfully, "but I just so enjoy hearing it!"
Two buddies went hunting..
There were two buddies, Alan and Dave, who decided to go hunting. They drove for well over an hour, and walked into the woods for about an hour more, when suddenly Dave collapsed. Alan panicked, and immediatly rang 911 and told the lady: *You gotta help me, Dave just died!*. The lady at the other end calmly said: *Calm down sir. Now, can you go and make sure that he is infact dead?*. Alans end of the line got quiet for a little bit until a loud **bang** was heard. Some more seconds passes, and Alan picks up the phone again and says: *OK he's dead, now what?*
Work Accident. Two roofers fall from the roof of a house.
Two roofers fall from the roof of a highrise. One ends up dead immediately. The other is more fortunate. Halfway down his eye gets caught on a rusty nail.
(Original German joke about a profession with many variations, esp. for the profession - roofers, masons, carpenters, you choose:
Unfall auf der Baustelle. Zwei Dachdecker stürzen vom Dach eines Hochhauses. Der eine ist sofort tot, der andere hat Glüc**.... Auf halbem Weg bleibt er mit dem Auge an einem rostigen Nagel hängen.)
Two hunters are in the woods...
Two hunters were in the woods, when one collapsed. He didn't seem to be breathing. The other called the emergency number and said, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator said, "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." After a second of silence on the hunter's end, the operator heard a gunshot. The hunter came back on the phone and said, ""OK, now what?"
The woman and her chili.
A man walks into a bar and notices a woman sitting at a table. In front of her on the table is a full bowl of chili. Since the man is very hungry, he asks her if he can have her chili. She agrees, giving him the bowl. The man starts to quickly put spoonfuls into his mouth. As he gets to the end of the chili, he sees a dead rat at the bottom. This causes him to v**... back into the bowl.
In response, the woman said: "Yep, that's about as far as I got too."
Mrs. Barber, medically impossible though it seems at your age, there's no doubt about it: you're pregnant.
Carla was well into her sixties when she went to her doctor complaining of nausea, exhaustion, and occasional cramps. After a thorough examination the doctor sent her to the hospital for a battery of tests, and finally confronted her with the results. Mrs. Barber, medically impossible though it seems at your age, there's no doubt about it: you're pregnant.
Impossible, she cried, and fainted dead away. When she came to, she staggered to the phone, dialed her seventy-eight-year-old husband, and screeched, You've knocked me up, you r**... old goat!
There was a long pause at the other end of the line. Then a voice said, And to whom am I speaking?
The Reporter of Puns!
There was once a reporter known for his unique puns. Every day for his newscast, he would share the news with a nice pun at the end. One day he recieved a story of ten people killed in a shooting. He delivered the story and at the end stated that there was no pun in ten dead.
Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman...
Join the crusades and have been caught in the Bazaars of Constantinople by the Saracen Army. Dodging in between the shops they spy an alleyway and dash down it. Seeing its a dead end they look for a place to hide. They notice three large wicker baskets they all jump in one and with baited breath wait for the soldiers to walk by.
The commander of the Saracen patrol isnt s**... and checks the alleyway spotting the three baskets and with his Scimitar pokes the first basket. The Englishman, expecting this says "woof! woof!" The Saracen, content walks up and pokes the next basket, "Meow! Meow!" says the Scotsman. The Commander moves onto the third basket, Paddys basket, gives it a poke... "Potato's"
Hillary is pregnant.
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious! Here she is about to run for President and this has happened to her.
She calls Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you???!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault!!! YOUR FAULT!!! Well, what have you got to say???"
There is nothing but dead silence on the end of the phone.
She screams again, "DID YOU HEAR ME???!!!"
Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"
I actually heard a joke the other day about an alternate ending to the movie Hook
where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter back to London in a body bag. It's a good joke, if a little dark, but it does require a dead Pan delivery.
A cashier working a dead end minimum wage job found a way out, by having s**... with the register
He came into some money
Why don't people who live on dead ends charge their phones?
There's no outlet
Make sure that she is really dead
A doctor gets a phone call from his best friend, and the frantic voice at the other end says "God, oh God, my wife's dead! I shot her! What do I do!?" The doc tells his friend to calm down. "OK, now the first thing is, you have to be sure that she's really dead." He hears silence at the other end, then a single gunshot. "OK, what now?!"
I think its fun to haggle with h**... over their price.
They're just going to end up dead in my trunk anyway ...Amirite?!
A teacher speaks to his straight-F pupil
"With grades like this you'll never achieve anything in your life. You'll end up a loser"
Fast forward 20 years later. Retired teacher is deadly ill, only a very risky and expensive surgery can save him.
It happens that the best surgeon in the country knows the old man and aggrees to save him for free.
After surgery, when teacher wakes up, the grown-up straight-F student comes into the recovery room.
He unplugs the life support and plugs in his vacuum cleaner.
I got robbed in a weird way today
I was walking along the street when some dude punched me in the back of the head and stole my wallet. I chased him down into an alley with a dead end, then much to my surprise he stripped completely n**... and covered himself in baby oil, I couldn't grab hold of his arm at all. He ran full pelt into me, knocked me over and ran off into the distance with my wallet.
So I took my report to the police and they asked me to give a summary of what happened, so I said
"I got hit by, I got struck by a smooth criminal"
There was a blond, brunette and a redhead running from a cop...
They turn down an alley and it's a dead end. The blond hides in a sack of potatoes. The brunette hides in a dumpster and the redhead hides in a trashcan.
The cop comes running down the alley and doesn't see them. So he walks over to the trashcan and kicks it.
"Meow!" Meows the redhead
"Ahh, it's just a cat." Says the cop. He walks over to the dumpster and kicks it.
"Woof woof!" Barks the brunette.
"Just a dumb dog." The cop says. Then he walks over to the potato sack and kicks it and the blond yells...
"POTATO POTATO POTATO!"
A priest was talking to a group of kids about "being good" and going to heaven.
At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven! Heaven!" Yelled Little Lisa.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the priest.
"Dead!" Yelled Little Johnny.
Well me and the wife have doggy s**... every night.
I sit at the end of the bed panting and begging and she rolls over and plays dead
A man walks into a bank with a gun and demands money from the cashier. As he's backing out of the bank with a bag cash, he takes two men as hostages.
He forces the hostages to walk outside at gunpoint.
"Run that way!" he shouts. They run down the street with the gunman following.
"Turn there!" he says, pointing to a dark alley to one side.
All three run to the dead-end of the alley. The gunman pushes the hostages against a wall. He points the gun at the first man and asks him a question.
"Did you see me rob that bank?"
"Well, yeah." stammers the man.
BANG!
The gunman points the gun at the second hostage.
"Did YOU see me rob that bank??"
"NO!" the man shouts. "Uh, but...my wife did."
I read a joke about an alternate ending to Peter Pan where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter Pan back to London in a body bag.
Not very funny and quite dark, but it requires a dead Pan delivery
Harold and David are out hunting when David collapses and stops breathing.
Desperately Harold searches for a pulse but can't find one. He whips out his phone and dials 911 and blurts, 'My friend had just dropped dead! What should I do?' A soothing voice on the other end says, 'OK, OK. Just relax. First, let's make sure he really is dead.' After a brief silence the operator hears a shot ring out. Then Harold comes back to the phone. 'OK,' he says nervously, 'what do I do next?'
I went on a bike ride through the cemetery today...
My wife asked, "was it the one at the dead end?"
COWBOY TOMBSTONE JOKE
Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah! I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five rules for a happy life are below.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me
I was invited to a party.
I was invited to a party by some work friends, which I happily accepted and attended. I needed to use the restroom when I arrived, in which there was a long line of other people before me, so I waited.
Later, I joined at the end of another long line to get a plate of food, which I was dead last again. After I ate, I decided to try and get ahead of the line to play some pool, but I was not quick enough and had to wait in another long line for a turn.
Slightly frustrated with my timing and always being last in line, I decided to get something to drink. I could not believe my eyes, when I saw there was no punch line.
Why does ann coulter deserve to be immortal?
Because she's clearly dead on the inside and we can't end her suffering.
I told a vegan you cant spell meat without eat
She said they aren't meat, they're friends. I looked at her dead in the eyes and said "You cant spell friend without end"
Why do mosquitoes always leave an orchestra performance before it ends?
Because the standing ovation can be quite deadly to them
Small town Pastor
Pastor William Fuzz had been the only minister in his small town for 30 years and had a wonderful reputation as a good man of God. However one day he took a beautiful 20 year old parishioner down the dead end lane by the river to make out. Suddenly the bright light of a policeman's flashlight illuminated the pair. Thinking he might be able to talk his way out of it, the minister said Officer it's okay I'm Pastor Fuzz. The cop replied, I don't care if your halfway up her a**..., get outta the car.
When I was about 9 years old, my mom forced me to go with her to the f**... of a friend of hers that I didn't know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the f**... to end. Then a man approached me and said:
"Enjoy life, boy. Be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy mine."
He patted my head and left.
Before leaving, my Mom forced me to say goodbye to the dead person. When I looked in the coffin, I was startled to see the man who was talking to me in the corner was the same one in the coffin.
For several years, I was not able to sleep properly because of nightmares.
Years later, I discovered that the dead man had a twin brother.....
Two men are hunting in the woods...
One of them tries to shoot a bear, but misses and ends up being mauled by the bear. After the incident, as he is "bear"ly holding on to life the othe runs over and calls 911. "Help my friend and i were hunting and he got mauled by a bear, I think he's dead! " The woman on the phone responds "well we would love to help, but first can you make sure he's dead"....*BANG!!!!* .... " ok he's dead, what do I do next"
Man comes home early from work on a Thursday and finds his wife in bed with his friend.
He shoots em both dead and ends up in jail. While in jail his best friend comes to visit him and console him. His friend tells him:
"d**... Fred its a wonderful thing you caught this mf in bed with you're wife"
Fred responds "How can you say that man 2 people are dead and im in jail"
His friend tells him "I'm just glad you came home early on a Thursday cause if you woulda came Wednesday I'd been the dead mf"
What did the Pink Panther say when he got to the cul-de-s**...?
Dead end. Dead end.
Dead end.
Dead end. Dead end. Dead end. Dead end.
Dead ennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd.