Dead Cat Jokes
102 dead cat jokes and hilarious dead cat puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about dead cat that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Dead Cat Short Jokes
Short dead cat jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dead cat humour may include short dead dog jokes also.
- I lost my cat If found, please return him, dead and alive.
Thanks,
Sincerely,
Erwin Shrodinger. - I saw a missing poster for Schrödinger's cat It had a $500 finders fee if returned dead and alive.
- Why was schrodinger's cat in trouble with the law? I don't know, but he was wanted dead and alive.
- My little sister's cat died... ...she cried telling me she needs another identical one. I got her one today, but i don't know why she needs another dead cat.
- What do Schrodinger's cat and Kim Jong-un have in common? They're both alive and dead until you see them!
- I have the reflexes of a cat Before you comment, please remember, a dead cat is still technically a cat!
- In what way are cats and SEO the same? They both have nine lives (cause non-SEO people have always said it is dead)
- What's the difference between a dead cat and a dead lawyer on the road? The dead cat has skid marks around it.
- How do you find out if the cat is dead or alive in the Schrodinger's cat paradox? By thinking outside the box
- A woman wants her two dead pet cats taxidermied. "Would you like them mounted?" the taxidermist says.
the woman replies
"no, just holding hands"
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Dead Cat One Liners
Which dead cat one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dead cat? I can suggest the ones about dead bird and dead horse.
- Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree He's wanted dead and alive
- What did Robocop say to Schrödinger's Cat? Dead or Alive, you're coming with me.
- Is "Schrodinger's Cat" meme dead or alive? I'm afraid to look.
- What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back when you throw it? a dead cat
- What kind of tea is deadly to cats? Curiosity
- My cat, Schrodinger went missing I don't know if she is dead or alive.
- What do you call a dead cat? It doesn't matter. It's not coming.
- What do you call a cat that rose from the dead? Purranormal
- What do you call a bunch of dead cats on the side of the road? Litter.
- How do you raise a cat from the dead? Neko-mancy
- I like my cats like I like my women. Dead on the side of the road.
- Schrödinger, what have you done to our cat? He's half dead!
- 8th cat means 8 dead cats to clean up
- I played dead in front of my cat. I heard him say: 'I hope to good you aren't like us.'
- I used to be a missing cat Til I got hit by a car...now I'm dead cat
Laughter Dead Cat Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about dead cat you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bad cat jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make dead cat pranks.
A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian.
The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too." The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."
A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead.
Not happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog.
The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.
"There" says the vet," Your hamster is dead".
Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion.
The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat.
The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head.
"It's definitely dead sir", says the vet.
Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes.
"That will be L1000, please".
"A L1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead" fumes the man.
"Well", says the vet, "There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A medical student is driving home on a narrow country road in the middle of the night after his shift in the hospital.
The weather is terrible.
It's raining cats and dogs.
Suddenly a motorbike is screaming by with very high speed.
"Jesus Crhist! What an idiot! He will c**... if he doesn't slow down!"
A few minutes later he spotted in his headlights on the side of the road the torn up motorbike against a big tree.
He stopped and quickly jumped out of his car to see in he can give first aid.
But it's to late.
The biker is already dead.
He looked around if there is anyone around. Nobody to see.
The student thouhgt "This is the oppertunity to finally obtain a real human eye!"
He always carryrna spoon and a glass eye in his pocket for an opperunity like this.
He quickly removes the left eye and places the glass eye in the socket.
One quick look around and he jumps in his car and races off.
The next morning when he wakes up he turned on the tv and watches the news.
It said: "Biker found dead on country road with 2 glass eyes."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Halloween is easily the scariest night of the year, what with the dead rising from their graves.
.. and fat girls thinking they look s**... dressed as cats.
This guy takes his sick parrot to the vet...
The vet takes one look and says, "I'm afraid your parrot is dead."
"That's terrible," says the guy, "How can you so sure? I'd like a second opinion."
The Vet then opens the door and whistles. A Labrador bounds into the room, hops up onto the table, takes time sniffing at the parrot, looks up and whines sadly.
I'm afraid it's confirmed says the vet. The guy looks at the vet and says But my 5 year old daughter loves this parrot! Please! Are you 100% sure?
The Vet replies We can do one final test . He whistles again and a cat comes into the room and springs up onto the table. T he cat walks up and down the table looking intently at the parrot, then meows sadly and leaves.
"Well I'm terribly sorry Mr Jones but there can be no doubt about it. Polly is dead."
"Well, it's terrible news. Thank you for your time. How much do I owe you?"
"That comes to eight hundred pounds please."
"What?" cried the man in shock, "Why so much?"
"Well" Said the Vet, "Quick, accurate diagnoses don't come cheap. Ordinarily it would nearer to two hundred. What pushed the price up was the Lab report and Cat scan!"
Two brothers lived together
with their grandmother and her cat. The first brother went on a business trip, and when he arrived at his destination, he checked into his hotel, and called his brother at home. "I made it safe and sound" he said. "How is everything?"
"Bad" said the second brother. "The cat is dead."
"WHAT?!? How could you be so insensitive to tell me like that?" The first brother exclaimed. "You could have broken it to me slowly by saying the cat is on the roof, but you've called the fire department and they were trying to get her down. Later you could have called me and told me that the fire department got the cat down but she has a broken leg, so you are taking her to the veterinarian. Tomorrow you could have called me and told me despite the veterinarian's best efforts, the cat died."
"Sorry", said the second brother. "I'll remember that next time."
"Good", said the first brother. "By the way, how is Grandma?"
The second brother replied, "Oh, Grandma is on the roof."
A Second Opinion
A Second Opinion A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body,walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too. "The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body,walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too. "The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650. ""$650 to tell me my dog is dead? " exclaimed the man.... "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests. "
A woman takes her dead parrot into a vet's office...
And lays it upon the examination table. The vet takes one look at the deceased bird and says, 'Sorry Ma'am, but your parrot is dead.' The woman isn't satisfied, and asks for a second opinion. The vet obliges and pokes his head into the next room and calls in a second doctor. A cat saunters in, jumps up onto the table, looks up to the vet with sorrow in his eyes and says, 'Meow.' 'Sorry,' the vet says, 'my colleague says your parrot is dead. The woman still isn't satisfied and wants yet another opinion. The vet, as before, pokes his head into the next room, but this time a dog bounds in, puts its paws on the table, sniffs the bird and barks. 'Sorry Ma'am, but that's three doctor's opinions. Your bird is certainly dead.' 'Alright,' the woman says, 'you win, here's the $50 for the appointment.' '$50?' The vet exclaims, 'You owe me $150 for the extra cat scan and the lab report.'
A man calls his brother while on vacation...
Richard was on vacation, and his brother, John, is watching his cat for him. Richard called John and asked how everything was going.
John answered, "your cat's dead."
Richard freaked out and said, "you don't just tell someone their cat died like that! You let them down easy!"
"okay, how should I have said it?"
"first you say the cat got out, then the next day the cat is on the roof, then the next day he fell, he's at the vet, then the next day, you say he died. So, how is everything else? Did anything else happen?"
"yeah, mom got out..."
The wife is away on business for a week...
... and she calls her husband.
"How's everything?" she says.
"The cat's dead." replies the husband.
"My god, that's awful! Why did you just blurt it out like that?"
"Well how would you want me to tell you?"
"I don't know, break it to me gently, say 'I have some bad news dear, the cat got up in a tree, and he couldn't get down, and unfortunately...' something like that.".
Fair enough, says the husband.
A couple of days later she phones again.
"How's everything?" she says.
"Well, your mother got up in a tree..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
n**... Wife's New p**...
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless p**... in an attempt to spice up her dead s**... life. She puts them on, along with a short skirt and sets on the sofa opposite her husband. At certain moments during the game, she would uncross her legs, just long enough for her husband to see. Finally after a number of times he asks "Are you wearing crotchless p**...?" "Yesss." she says smiling seductively "Thank God." he says "I thought you were sitting on the cat."
The dead duck.
A not-so-bright farmer brings his dead duck to a vet, asking for treatment. The vet takes one look and says, "I'm sorry, but that duck is dead." The farmer asks if they can do some tests to make sure. The vet agrees and whistles, summoning a black lab. the dog puts its front paws on the table and sniffs for a moment, then walks out of the room, whining with its tail between its legs. The vet again says, "I'm sorry, but that duck is dead." The farmer asks for one more test, and the vet whistles one more time. This time, a tabby cat scampers in and leaps onto the table, and walks around the duck, before exiting like the dog. The vet says "Unfortunately the duck is 100% dead sir. I'm sorry for your loss. That'll be $1500." "WHAT?!?!?!" exclaims the farmer. The vet explained, "Well Lab tests and CAT scans aren't cheap…"
Heisenberg and Schrodinger are driving down the highway...
After they pass mile marker 16, a state trooper pulls them over for speeding. The trooper goes up to the window and sees Heisenberg behind the wheel.
Trooper: "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going when you passed that mile marker?"
Heisenberg: "Well I certainly don't know now that I know where I was."
The trooper arrests them and he decides to search the trunk of the vehicle. Inside he finds a dead cat.
He goes back to them sitting in the back of his cruiser and says "Did you know there is a dead cat in your trunk?"
Schrodinger: "Well *now* I do!"
El gato de Mexico
What do Mexicans do when they see a dead cat?
They make tacos.
hahahahahaha
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There are these two homeless guys drinking cooking sherry in an alleyway........
when one says to the other. "Man I'm starving. There's a rotten frozen dead cat in the alley back there. I've gonna go eat it. You want in on this?"
The second guy says "No way am I going to eat a rotten frozen dead cat. That's n**...." So his buddy says "Suit yourself." And goes to town eating the rotten frozen dead cat.
He comes back about a half an hour later and says "Man, I don't feel so good. I shouldn't have eaten that rotten frozen dead cat." And proceeds to p**... and the ground.
The other guy starts l**... his lips and says "That's what I'm talking about, a hot meal!"
Doctor Shroedinger? This is the Animal Clinic calling;
Apparently your cat, Flüffy, is both simultaneously dead and yet alive.
We're sorry for your loss.
Our resident String Theorist will contact you.
He can explain everything.
8{>
One fine day, in the middle of the night...
*This is a humours verse I've known since I was a kid. I don't know where it came from, and my googling has failed me. If anyone else knows the origin, that would be great!*
One fine day, in the middle of the night,
Two dead men, got up to fight,
One lame man, rang up to call an ambulance,
The ambulance came, with two dead horses pulling it,
They ran over a dead cat, and nearly killed it,
Now the cat's in hospital, with nothing wrong with it.
Admission is free, pay at the door,
We'll give you the best seat, so sit on the floor.
Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding.
Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding.
The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"
The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!"
Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now we're lost!"
The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the trunk.
"A cat," Schrödinger replies.
The cop opens the trunk and yells "Hey! This cat is dead."
Schrödinger angrily replies, "Well he is now."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bury the dead!
One day little Timmy is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asked.
Timmy replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.
Timmy shot back, "That's because he's inside your f**...' cat!!!"
Boudreaux's dead duck
Boudreaux rushed into Doc Robicheaux's office carrying a duck. He gently placed the duck on the exam table, it lay there limp and not moving.
Doc, you gotta help my duck , Boudreaux said.
Doc Robicheaux looked at the duck and shook his head. Boudreaux, your duck is dead , he said.
Doc, you gotta do something - run some test - do something , Boudreaux demanded.
Okay , Doc Robicheaux said.
The Doc whistled and a large black Labrador Retriever came in. The dog sniffed the duck from all sides, looked at the Doc, shook his head from side to side, and went back out.
The Doc made a clicking sound with his tongue and a gray cat came in. The cat jumped on the table and watched the unmoving duck for a couple of minutes, turned to the Doc, shook his head from sided to side, and went back out.
Boudreaux, your duck is dead , Doc Robicheaux told Boudreaux, Dat'll be 125 dollars .
Dat's a lot just to tell me dat my duck's dead , Boudreaux protested.
Boudreaux, I examined the duck and told you it was dead - that woulda been 10 dollars. You're da one dat demanded da Lab-Work and da Cat-Scan , Doc Robicheaux explained.
A man took his dog to the vet thinking he was dead
The veterinarian placed the dog on a table and placed a cat upon the dog. The cat walked across the dog and veterinarian said, "yep, he is dead, that will $535." The man was outraged and asked "Why it is so much?", the vetanarian replied, "$35 for the office visit and $500 for the cat scan."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A zoophil, a m**..., a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac and a sadomasochist were gathered at a party
A zoophil, a m**..., a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac and a sadomasochist were gathered at a party. After a while they started to get bored, and the z**... suggested they go out to find a cat they could r**.... The killer was enthusiastic and suggested they kill it afterwards. The necrophilic was happy and wanted to sleep with it after it was dead. The pyromaniac looks at the others with wide eyes and suggest they burn it afterwards. Everyone looks at the sadomasochist and asks him: So what do you have to contribute to this conversation?
The sadomasochist: Mjaaauuu ...
I saw a sign today about lost cat
Missing cat: Wanted dead and alive
If found return to Schrodinger
Heisenberg and Schrodinger are traveling in a car.
They get puled over by a cop. The cop asks, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I know where I am." The officer becomes suspicious, so he asks to check the trunk. He looks inside and asks, "Did you know that there is a dead cat in your trunk?" Schrodinger replies, "I do now."
3 men running from gangsters
3 men running from gangsters turn into a dead end where they see 3 potato sacks, with nowhere to go they hide inside the potato sacks
the gangsters turn into the ally thinking they lost them they decide to kick each bag to make sure they are not hiding inside
the gangsters kick the first sack and first man meows like a cat so they
think "oh it's just a stray cat"
they kick the second sack so next man barks like a dog and they think "oh it's just a stray dog"
they kick the third sack and last guy replies "Potato"
Two Frenchmen attempt to escape a POW camp...
The pair break out of their cells and manage to reach the wire fence in the dead of night. As Pierre scales the fence he stumbles, alerting a nearby guard, who calls out "Who's there?!"
"Meow!" Pierre shouts back, and he manages to creep away.
Now Francois climbs the fence and he stumbles and the guard again called, 'Who goes there?'
"Another cat!"
A student goes away to college for the first time
He's worried about how his cat will take his absence, so he calls home the first chance he gets. His little brother answers the phone.
How's Mittens doing?
Oh, Mittens died.
What?
Yeah, Mittens is dead.
I can't believe that you just blurted it out like that.
What do you mean?
Well, you could have broken it to me gently. You could have said, 'She's up on the roof and we can't get her down.' Then next time I called you could say that Mittens fell and got hurt, and then next time you could say that she died. It wouldn't have been such a shock.
Yeah, I see what you mean. Sorry.
That's OK, just let me talk to Mom.
Uh, she's up on the roof and we can't get her down.
Heisenberg and Schrodinger get pulled over
Got this off Facebook:
Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding.
The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"
The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!"
Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now we're lost!"
The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the trunk.
"A cat," Schrödinger replies.
The cop opens the trunk and yells "Hey! This cat is dead."
Schrödinger angrily replies, "Well he is now."
Dead duck
An old lady has a sick pet duck that she loves dearly, but she's broke so she takes him to a cheap veterinary clinic. The vet doc says your duck is dying there's nothing we can do. Devastated she pleads for him to try anything, so he says he'll be right back. He walks back in with a Labrador by his side, the dog places one paw on the duck, nothing. Vet doc says OK one moment. Leaves comes back with a cat, cat places one paw on the duck, nothing. The vet doc then tells the lady that's all he can do but her duck is still dying. Defeated and broken she leaves, upon receiving the bill on the way out its three times higher than she expected hud. She ask the secretary why and she says "it says here you requested additional LAB work and a CAT scan"
Why did the man put a dead tiger on his lawn?
To scare off Cat burglars!
Vet Bill
A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."
The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."
Schrödinger gets pulled over by a cop...
When the officer walks up to the window and asks Schrödinger for his license and registration, the psychologist seems to be a little off. Not sure if Schrödinger is drunk and/or on drugs, the officer asks him to step out of the car so he can perform a sobriety test. Schrödinger passes with flying colors, but he's now fidgeting and unable to make eye contact with the officer. The officer thinks that there may be something in the car, so he gets Schrödinger's permission to search the vehicle. He finds nothing in the glove compartment nor in the backseat. The only place the officer hasn't checked yet is the trunk. When he opens it, he's shocked at what he finds.
Officer: Sir, do you know that you have a dead cat in your trunk?
Schrödinger: Well, now I do...
So my new Quantum Computer finally arrived today...
...inside the box, all I found was a dead cat :(
A car with three physicists is pulled over by a cop.
Inside are Heisenberg, Schrödinger and Ohm.
The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"
The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 110 miles per hour!"
Heisenberg throws his arms up and says, "Great! Now we're lost!"
The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the three men have anything in the trunk.
"A cat", Schrödinger replies.
The cop opens the trunk and yells "Hey! This cat is dead."
Schrödinger angrily replies, "Well he is now."
The cop proceeds to arrest the three.
Ohm resists and gets tased.
What do you call a priest, a cat, and a baseball player at the bottom of the sea?
Dead.
I woke up today and I thought, today I would tell my colleagues a joke
about schrodinger's dead cat.
Then I thought maybe, I will tell a joke about schrodinger's alive cat.
So I decided not to go to office today.
"A touching story"
One day a girl was walking from school... On the way home she saw a cat by the road lying dead.
The girl went and touched the cat to see if it would respond but there was no response.. She touched it again still no response... She then touched it again and again and again.
As i said its a touching story...
I have views on my hot neighbour but she's a cat person.
And this morning, my dog came with the cat in its mouth, dead of course.
I was horrified and realised I had to fix this if I ever want to hit her.
So I went to all the kennels in the shire to find the exact same cat.
Finally found it and put the dead cat's collar on it. Send it back to her garden and then ran away.
Ten minutes later, heard a big scream, she was unconscious on the lawn.
I rushed to wake her up and asked what happened, worried she would have spot that the cat was different. She replied, out of breath:
I found my cat dead this morning, my dad came and we buried it. And now I find it back to life!
For Sale: One live cat.
It is also dead. Do not open the box. Contact E. Schrodinger via photons passing through a double slit.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the similarity between a dead h**... and a cat?
They both have nein lives.
What does a large pink cat and a deceased insect have in common?
Dead ant, dead ant,
Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead annnnt....
A cop pulls Schrodinger over off of the highway...
... The cop gets out of his cruiser and walks up to Schrodinger's car. He says to Schrodinger, "Hey, don't you work at the university around here?" Schrodinger replies "why, yes." The cop asks Schrodinger "I know the university is pretty rowdy and likes to party. Do you mind if I look around your car?" Schrodinger says "Sure." So the cop searches Schrodinger's car. When he opens the trunk, he finds a dead cat. The cop, stunned, walks back up to the driver's window and says to Schrodinger "Did you know you had a dead cat in the back of your car?" Schrodinger, quite angry now, says "Well I do now."
I took an AP Physics test today and finished early, so I wrote this joke in the test booklet out of boredom
Heisenberg and Schrodinger are driving along when they get pulled over.
The police officer asks them if they know how fast they were going.
Heisenberg says, "I'm uncertain."
The officer then asks for them to open the trunk, and they oblige.
"Did you know there is a dead cat in your trunk?" the officer asks incredulously.
"I do now!" Schrodinger replies.
A woman brings her duck to the vet...
The vet lays it on the table and says, "Ma'am, I'm afraid your duck is dead."
"No it's not! He was fine in the car, I swear! I want proof!" So the vet leaves, and then walks back in with a black lab. The dog walks up to the duck, sniffs it and turns his head. Then the vet brings in a kitten, and it runs up to the duck, pawing at its wings.
"Hmm.." the vet says, "Looks like it really is dead. That'll be $550."
"What?! You're going to make me pay $550 just to tell me my duck is dead??" The woman screams.
"Well, ma'am, it was $5 for the check up and $545 for the lab results and the cat scan."
There was a blond, brunette and a redhead running from a cop...
They turn down an alley and it's a dead end. The blond hides in a sack of potatoes. The brunette hides in a dumpster and the redhead hides in a trashcan.
The cop comes running down the alley and doesn't see them. So he walks over to the trashcan and kicks it.
"Meow!" Meows the redhead
"Ahh, it's just a cat." Says the cop. He walks over to the dumpster and kicks it.
"Woof woof!" Barks the brunette.
"Just a dumb dog." The cop says. Then he walks over to the potato sack and kicks it and the blond yells...
"POTATO POTATO POTATO!"
Heisenberg and Schrodinger are speeding down the highway.
A state cop pulls them over. The cop walks up to the window and asks Heisenberg, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies, "No, but I knew where I was." The cop says, "You were going over 90 miles per hour!" To which Heisenberg replies, "Fine. Now we're lost."Thinking this answer is a little strange, the cop decides to investigate the vehicle. He begins by opening the trunk. Shocked by what he finds, he shouts, "You have a dead cat in here!" Schrodinger answers, "Well I do now!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car.
They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving, and the cop asks, 'Do you know how fast you were going?'
'No, but I know exactly where I am,' Heisenberg replies.
The cop says, 'you were doing 55 in a 35.' Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, 'Great! Now, I'm lost.'
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop the trunk. He checks it out and says, 'Do you know you have a dead cat back here?'
'We do now, a**...!' Shouts Schroedinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
Jesus. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting some loudmouth who objects to an old metaphor. Luckily ...
I don't have a dog in this fight.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Here's something that s**... about being a cat or a dog...
being almost dead before you can go see an R\-rated movie.
A woman's on vacation and calls home
She asks her husband, "How's my cat doing?"
The husband says, "The cat's dead."
The woman's upset and says, "Well, you could have broken the news to me when I got home. I can't enjoy my vacation now. You could've just said a little white lie, like the cat's on the roof and you can't get her down."
"Okay, I'm sorry," says the husband, "I'll remember that."
The woman says, "Anyway, how's my mother doing?"
The husband says, "Your mother's on the roof and we can't get her down."
Heisenberg and Schroedinger we driving on the freeway
maybe going to a seminar, when they get pulled over by the CHP. The cop comes around to the driver side and says to Heisenberg, "Do you know how fast you were going?" And so Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was". The cop scratches his head, and says, "Pop the trunk, I want to take a look". He walks back, looks in and then walks around to the right side and says to Schroedinger, "Do you know you have a dead cat in the trunk?" Schroedinger says, "I do now".
I'll never fly delta again.
I tried to board with two dead comfort cats and they said I could only have one carrion.
I left a present for my crush today, and she had me arrested!
When her cat does it, it's adorable, but apparently it's "creepy" when I leave a dead bird on her doorstep.
No Pleasing Women
My girlfriend's cat died, so I got her one just like it. Now she's locked me out of the house and is yelling "What am I supposed to do with two dead cats?"
Hey George
George and John are talking and George says he is leaving for another country to work.
''The only only thing i ask from you is to take care my cat and my mother'' he says.
Two months go by and John calls George and says '' your cat is dead''
George is shocked and tells John ''come on man, you should more gentle with such news. for example call me one time and tell me that my cat is on the roof and you cant get it down. Then call me and tell me that you are still trying but with no luck. And then call me to tell me that my cat is dead''
About two months go by again and John calls George
'' Hey Goerge, your mom is on the roof ''
Heisenberg and Schroedinger are driving together, but they get stopped by a police officer.
The officer asks, "Did you know you were driving at 75 mph?"
Heisenberg sighs, "Oh great, now we're lost."
The cop is unhappy, and checks the car's trunk. He asks, "And why is there a dead cat in here?"
Schroedinger grumbles, "Well there is NOW!"
Laws of physics vs the law
Heisenberg, Shrodinger and Ohm were driving down a highway when they get pulled over by a cop. The cop asks Heisenberg if he knew how fast he was going, as you can surmise, he claimed he didn't know because he knew exactly where they were. The cop, finding this suspicious asks them to open the trunk. He comes back to the front and asks them why they have a dead cat in the trunk and Shrodinger responds, "because you opened the trunk you fool!!". The cop, now visibly irritated promptly moves to arrest all three. Ohm, resisted.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Heisenberg and Schrodinger are in a car ...
Heisenberg and Schrodinger are in a car. They get pulled over.
Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am!" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35."
Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "You have a dead cat back here!"
"We do now, a**...!" shouts Schrodinger.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car...
Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a
car...
... And they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, a**...!" shouts Schroedinger.
The cop moves to arrest them.
Ohm resists.
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat.
After a few days, she called her husband and asked, How is everything going?
The cat is dead, he replied coldly.
She cried out and said, You could have said the cat is playing on the roof on the first day, and the next day, it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead!
No reply. The wife sighed sadly, Anyways, how's my mom?
She's playing on the roof.
