dead baby Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious dead baby puns

Dark Humour is like anti-vax families

There's usually a dead baby.


How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently more than 40, because my basement's still dark


A married couple is having a baby...

As she is going into labor, the doctor asks the man, "would you like to take part in this new technology that allows half the pain of the pregnancy to be put on to the father." The husband accepts, and they go on with the birth. Afterwards they ask him how he felt, he replied, "I didn't feel anything I don't understand what the big deal is about this. Later that day, they find the postman dead at their house.


How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Definitely not 9, my basement is still dark


I was going to cover my bathroom floor with dead baby skin...

My wife told be that would be infant tile.


A dark sense of humor is like a hospital.

Lots of sickness and occasionally dead babies.


What is the difference between an art student and a dead baby?

The dead baby can feed a family of four.


How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

More than eight, because my basement is still dark.


A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.


How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Obviously more than 8, because my basement is still dark.


When someone botched a joke.

Teacher: "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One clown says to the other 'does this taste funny?' "

Class: "umm"

Me to friend: "that was like a dead baby..."

Friend: "what?"

Me: "poor delivery"

This is probably the first joke I actually came up with myself. It felt good.


Why are bad jokes like dead babies?

Usually, something went wrong with the delivery.


I put together a list of 288 dead baby jokes to post.

I decided not to post them because it would be two gross.


In honor of Mother's Day ... sort of

A woman goes into labor and her husband is her birthing coach. In the delivery room, a doctor shows the two a brand new invention that allows the father to share some of the labor pains, which takes some of the pressure off of the mother. The man agrees. He begins at 20%. "No problem," he tells the doctor, so they turn it up to 40%. The man says "I don't see what the big deal is! Crank it up!" Finally they put him at 80%. The mother has a much easier labor and a gives birth to a baby boy.

Later that day, the man gets a telephone call from one of his neighbors. "It's the damndest thing," the neighbor says. "The mailman just dropped dead on your front doorstep this morning."


WARNING: dark jokes ahead

My girlfriend is into some really strange roleplay when we have sex. She always insists on pretending to be 14 years old.
I don't get why, she'll be 14 in a couple of years anyway

Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging "WHYYYY!!??". Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says "I'm just fucking with you, it was born dead"

A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it.

Q: What's the best part about dead baby jokes?
A: They never get old.

Q: What is the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?
A: Michael Phelps can finish a race.


A baby

A women is in the final stages of giving birth, and with one last push she hears the babies cries as the doctor holds it in his arms out of view. The doctor tells her there's a problem and rushes the baby out of the room. After 5 or 10 minutes the women is hysterical with worry for her child. The doctor eventually comes back and stands at the bottom of her bed an says

"Well, There's good new and bad news."

The women, now very worried asks for the bad news first

"Unfortunately, your baby is ginger."

Offended and somewhat relived the women begins a tirade of abuse aimed at the doctor, calling every name under the sun. After 30 seconds of abuse she remembers the good news, and promptly asks him for it.

"It's dead."


April Fools

It was April first when a young father went to the hospital to see his newly born son. Standing outside the glass partition, the nurse pointed to his baby son. The nurse smiled as she lifted the baby from its cot. She then strolled over to the table and bounced the baby's head on the timber. The father was horror-struck and his hands went up to the window. The nurse smiled at him and started to swing the baby by holding it by it's penis and scrotum. The father was pounding frantically at the glass partition by this time. The nurse let go of the baby and with a sickening thud the baby went careering into the wall. Blood and guts went everywhere. The father took a runing jump at the glass partition. The nurse picked up the baby and tore it's arms off as the father went hurtling through the glass. He was foaming at the mouth when he faced the nurse.

She said, "April fools! He was dead already!"


maternity ward

A woman and her husband are in the maternity ward where the woman is giving birth. As soon as the baby comes out the doctor grabs it and starts flailing it around beating it on the table and walls. 10 seconds later as couple is freaking out he stops and says "Haha, Just kidding. It was already dead."


So a Jewish family has a baby!

It's a beautiful baby boy, and they love him very much. The dad wants to know, however, what the little boy will grow up to be like. So he takes the baby to the Rabbi, who says that there's a simple test. On a long table, the Rabbi places a stack of money, a bottle of whiskey, and a Torah. "If your son crawls to the money, he'll have a good job as a banker, and take care of you and your wife until you're dead and gone. If he goes for the whiskey, he's no good, a drunk, might as well drop him at the orphanage on the way home for all the good he'll do you. Finally, if he picks up the Torah, he'll be a Rabbi like me. A good, honest, man of God."

So the father puts the baby on the table, and the baby picks up the money. "YAY!" they cheer, as the baby starts crawling again. Now, the Rabbi looks worried. The baby now picks up the bottle of whiskey with its other hand. "Oh no" says the Rabbi. They then watch as the baby crawls again, and also picks up the Torah. "NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!" the Rabbi cries. "WHAT IS IT??? What's wrong with my son?!?!" the father panicks.

"I'm so so sorry, but your son is going to be the worst thing of all!" says the Rabbi. "Your son is going to be a Catholic!"



An 86 year old man goes in to his yearly checkup.

His doctor says, "You're looking good, how do you feel?"

The old man says, "I feel *great*. I have a 25 year old wife who's carrying my baby. What do you think about that?"

The doctor says, "That reminds me of another patient I have who's about your age. He an avid hunter and never misses a season. This past year he went hunting beavers in Canada but when he got to the woods he realized he had forgotten to pack his rifle. To make the best of things he got his lunch and walking stick and went for a hike. After a while he happened upon a beaver tending to his damn. Just to satisfy himself, he raised his walking stick to his cheek like it was his rifle, took aim and said, "Bang. Bang." Just then two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think about that?

The old man said, "Well logic would dictate that there was somebody else out there that plugged the beaver."

His doctor said, "*Exactly my point*."


A woman is in the hospital after she had a baby

A woman is in the hospital after she had a baby. A nurse comes in holding the newborn child.
Right as she enters the room, the nurse trips, dropping the baby on the floor.
The mother starts screaming, 'AHH, MY BABY!'
The nurse lunges to pick the baby up, but instead, kicks it across the floor and under the radiator.
The mother continues screaming.
The nurse goes to fetch the baby and as she picks it up, smashes the baby's head against the radiator.
The mother is in absolute hysterics.
At that point, the nurse starts laughing.
The mother screams, "What the hell is wrong with you!?"
The nurse says, "calm down, calm down. It was a joke!
Your baby was already dead".



What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
You take off your boots before you jump on a trampoline.

How do you make a baby spin around?
How do you take it back out?

What do you call a dead baby on a wall?
What do you call a dead baby floating on the water?
What do you call a dead baby on the floor?

What's better than 10 babies in a bag?
One baby in 10 bags.

This one sickens me.
What's the similarity between your grandma and your baby?
Both may die during intercourse.
What's the difference?
Your grandma's arsehole won't split in two.


A man and his pregnant wife go to the hospital...

A man and his pregnant wife go to the hospital so the wife can give birth. After the nurses get her settled in, the doctor approaches the man and says, "We just got this new machine in that will transfer some of the pain of childbirth to the father. Would you like to try it out?"

The man says, "Well of course. Anything for my wife. Fire it up, doc!"

As the wife begins to have the baby, the doctor cranks up the dial on the machine to 25 percent. The wife screams in pain, but the man says, "I don't feel anything at all."

"That's odd," says the doctor. He adjusts the dial to 50 percent. The wife's screams grow quieter, but the husband still doesn't feel a thing.

"That's uncanny," says the doctor as he turns the dial all the way up to 100 percent. Neither the husband nor his wife feel any pain at all, the baby is delivered healthy, they're discharged from the hospital, they go home, and the mailman is dead on the porch.


What do you call a dead baby ,who fights crime?

Miscarriage of Justice


What's worse than a plastic bag filled with dead babies?



Woman delivers baby.

Doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging WHYYYY!!?? . Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says I'm just fucking with you, it was born dead .


I want to live my next life backwards.

You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous, and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day,and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case!!


What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a trampoline?

I take my boots off to jump on the trampoline.


Joke rules for my house:

First of all, most all jokes are acceptable in this house.. except abortion jokes. Because jokes are all about the delivery...
Absolutely no PMS jokes. Period. No sexual assault jokes.. thats a touchy subject. Dead baby jokes on the other hand.. never get old!


How do you make a dead baby float ?

Two scoops of ice-cream and one scoop of dead baby.


What do you call a stroller with a dead Baby in it?

A miscarriage.


Dark Jokes?

What's worse than 18 dead babies in a bucket? 1 baby in 18 different buckets.

What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies? I dont have a Ferrari in my Garage.


Dark Joke from my sister when she was 6.

Her: How did the dead baby get across the road?

Me: How?

Her: It was stapled to the chicken.

Me: .....


You know how to make a dead baby float?

2 scoops of dead baby and a coke....


They invented a machine that takes the pain of childbirth away from the mother and passes it to the father...

... So husband and wife are in the delivery room, and she's in pretty strong labor. The husband says, "Ok doc, gimme some of it, I can handle it". The doctor turns the machine to 20% of pain. The husband says "Wow, I don't feel a thing! Gimme some more doc!" So the doctor turns the machine up to 40% of his wife's pain. Husband says "Geez, I don't know what all these women are complaining about! I barely feel anything! Turn it up all the way!" The doctor turns the machine to 100%, and the wife delivers the baby completely pain free.

The husband, wife, and new baby leave the hospital. The husband is bragging about what a tough guy he is to take all that and not feel a thing. They pull into their driveway and find the mailman dead on the front steps.


What are the most funny Dead Baby jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Dead Baby? Well, here are the best Dead Baby dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Dead Baby pick up lines to share with friends.

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