Days Jokes

Following is our collection of month puns and day one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Days jokes for adults, dirty insight jokes and clean fifty days dad gags for kids.

The Best Days Puns

A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."

"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.

Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

I'm 60 days clean now.

It's been hard showering every day, but thankfully I had heroin to help me through it.

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.

The doctor tells him, Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer'

The man, clearly frustrated, asks, Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?

The doctor calmly suggests, I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don't let her in.

Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed Trump Sucks in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says Mr President, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we've done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it's Mike Pence's. That traitor , shouts Trump. I'll have him hanged! Now, what did you say was the bad news? Well , says the SS chief, turns out it's Melania's handwriting .

I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint

You have to say

Leroy, please paint that wall


A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!

Doctor: I'd recommend taking her for a long walk and leaving her, if she finds her way back home, don't open the door.

I couldn't find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it...

Apparently, she left me two days ago...

I have a bumper sticker saying, "Honk if you think I'm sexy".

Some days I just stay at a green light till I'm feeling good about myself.

I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids...

Apparently she left me two days ago.

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.........?

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"


My wife is pregnant with a boy and i want to call him Lance

My wife said its such an uncommon name.


So i told her back in medievil days people were called Lance a lot

I asked my boss, Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?

He said, It's May.

Sorry. , I replied, May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?

Burglars are getting very clever these days..

Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.

Then I realised I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days...

I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.

What's Mozart up to these days?

Decomposing.

I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was to uncommon...

... I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced...

My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!

What makes you say that? the bartender inquired.

Last week, Bill explained, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she'd run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'

I told my son he couldn't get a fidget spinner because his dad and I have tried so hard to make sure he didn't become autistic...

Unfortunately he died of measles a couple days ago


Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history?

People would wait days in line for a single piece

What's the difference between the lost city of Atlantis and Florida?

About 3 days

In all honesty though, my thoughts and good wishes go out to the people of Florida,

When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject...

These days if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow.

Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...

...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"

"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.

"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"

"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"

classic germans

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house....

.....and it was delicious

I tried erotic suffocation on the wife the other night when we were having sex.

She obviously didn't like it. She's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment!!

I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet"

It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!

(England fan here using humour to cope with the pain...)

They say the feds track all internet activity and look out for keywords that indicate terrorism or otherwise

I wanted to test this out and Googled "how to kill President"

Few days later I received a care package containing ammo

Today I am celebrating 100 days without alcohol!

Not consecutively, though.

Let me tell you how I became a millionaire: First, I...

...bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...

A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.

Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea

Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.

Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.

Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.

Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man yells: Heil Hitler! Is the war over?

You know why women's eyes are so noticeable these days?

It's the mask era.

It's 364 days until christmas.

And people already have their lights up!

I'm giving up spreadsheets for forty days

Excellent.

How is a toddler like a cell phone?

If you can't find it in three days it's probably dead.

There's so much nudity on TV these days, it makes me so angry.

I just sit there, shaking my fist.

What's the largest export of Great Britain?

Independence days

Guy is drinking alone at the bar, visibly sad.

The bartender comes up to him and says: "Hey man, you seem down. What's up?"

The guy replies: "We buried my dad two days ago".

The bartender says: "I'm so sorry man. When did he die?".

The guy replies: "I don't know, probably yesterday".

If Mary had aborted Jesus...

would he have reappeared in her womb three days later?

Whenever I'm in trouble, I think: what would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

Why do women talk less in february?

Cause there's only 28 days

Teacher : Why didn't you write your homework? Pupil : My dad is in a hospital

*7 days later* T : why didn't you write your homework this time?

P : my dad is still in the hospital.

T : wow, this must be serious.

*1 month later*

T : Let me guess, you didn't do your homework because your father is still in the hospital.

P : Indeed.

T: well, how come?

P : he's a doctor.

My wife hasn't said a word to me in 6 days.

What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.

A magician gets himself a parrot for his act

After a couple weeks of performing with the magician the parrot begins to heckle the magician during his shows. "it's under his hat, it's up his sleeve, his assistant has it."

The magician is performing on a cruise ship when the ship sinks. The magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with the parrot standing on the opposite end. The parrot and the magician spend 2 days floating at sea without saying a word.

Finally the parrot says, "Alright, I give up. Where's the boat?"

The creator of WinRAR was arrested and put on trial

The trial was supposed to last 40 days, but it keeps on going

Next year I'll give up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights...

It's going to be Excel Lent

I asked Siri "What do women want?"

My phone has not shut up for the past three days.

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days...

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse , I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.

I know he means well.

I've been clean for 45 days now

It's been tough taking a shower everyday, but at least I have the heroin to help me get throught it.

A Blonde Tries To Solve A

A blonde has been working on her new puzzle for a couple days now but can't seem to get it right. One day, her husband comes home to his wife crying at the kitchen table. He rushes over and asks his wife why she was crying, and she replies "I've been working on the puzzle forever but can't figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger." The husband shakes his head and says "honey put the Frosted Flakes back in the box"

A man is praying to God and asks "God, how is it you created all this in 7 days?"

God replied, "well, you see time is different for you and me. A million years in human time is only a second in time for me. I created everything in 7 days my time, not yours, so the time frame is much greater than interpreted."

"Oh my God, that is ncredible!" the man exclaimed. "So what, like a penny to you is a million dollars for us?"

"Um, yeah, kinda. Something like that...." God says

"Well, in that case, can I just have a penny, God?" The man shoots his shot

"Sure" God agrees, much to the surprise of the man. "Just gimme a second to find it...."

Kids these days are so stupid

They actually believe I've got chocolate in my van

The king asks a commoner...

"Give me your daughter's hand in marriage, and I'll give you her weight in jewels."

"I will need a couple days first." - Replies the commoner

"To think it over?" asks his majesty.

"No - to fatten her up."

So this guy at college keeps calling me a flamingo

one of these days I'm going to put my foot down.

I miss the days when the Annoying Orange was just a fictional youtube character

And not the President of the United States.

I'm 30 days clean now

Taking a shower every day was hard, it's a good thing I had meth to get me through it

I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink on days that start with letter T.

Tuesday, Thursday and Today.

The soviet union actually made the best bread in the world.

People would stand in line for days just to get a piece of it.

There is an abundance of ago jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 59 funniest jokes and days puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any lasts witze you can hear about days.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes