Hilarious Days Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint
You have to say
Leroy, please paint that wall
A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover
The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."
A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."
"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.
Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
classic germans
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."
If Mary had aborted Jesus...
would he have reappeared in her w**... three days later?
I tried e**... suffocation on the wife the other night when we were having s**....
She obviously didn't like it. She's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment!!
Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...
...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"
"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.
"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"
"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"
I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet"
It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!
(England fan here using humour to cope with the pain...)
It's 364 days until christmas.
And people already have their lights up!
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..
*Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.
Then I realised I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Today I am celebrating 100 days without alcohol!
Not consecutively, though.
There's so much n**... on TV these days, it makes me so angry.
I just sit there, shaking my fist.
You can explore days month reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean days insight dad jokes. There are also days puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea
Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.
Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.
Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.
Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man yells: Heil h**...! Is the war over?
I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids...
Apparently she left me two days ago.
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.........?
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced...
My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!
What makes you say that? the bartender inquired.
Last week, Bill explained, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she'd run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'
Whenever I'm in trouble, I think: what would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.
My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.
She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a t**... subject...
These days if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow.
Let me tell you how I became a millionaire: First, I...
...bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...
A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house....
.....and it was delicious
I'm 60 days clean now.
It's been hard showering every day, but thankfully I had h**... to help me through it.
Why do women talk less in february?
Cause there's only 28 days
When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days...
I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.
I told my son he couldn't get a fidget spinner because his dad and I have tried so hard to make sure he didn't become autistic...
Unfortunately he died of measles a couple days ago
What's the difference between the lost city of Atlantis and Florida?
About 3 days
In all honesty though, my thoughts and good wishes go out to the people of Florida,
I have a bumper sticker saying, "Honk if you think I'm s**...".
Some days I just stay at a green light till I'm feeling good about myself.
What's Mozart up to these days?
Decomposing.
Guy is drinking alone at the bar, visibly sad.
The bartender comes up to him and says: "Hey man, you seem down. What's up?"
The guy replies: "We buried my dad two days ago".
The bartender says: "I'm so sorry man. When did he die?".
The guy replies: "I don't know, probably yesterday".
I'm giving up spreadsheets for forty days
Excellent.
Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history?
People would wait days in line for a single piece
I asked my boss, Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?
He said, It's May.
Sorry. , I replied, May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?
They say the feds track all internet activity and look out for keywords that indicate terrorism or otherwise
I wanted to test this out and Googled "h**... President"
Few days later I received a care package containing ammo
A man takes his wife to get tested
Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.
The doctor tells him, Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer'
The man, clearly frustrated, asks, Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?
The doctor calmly suggests, I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don't let her in.
How is a toddler like a cell phone?
If you can't find it in three days it's probably dead.
I couldn't find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it...
Apparently, she left me two days ago...
A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.
2 days later he gets a call from the lab.
Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.
Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!
Doctor: I'd recommend taking her for a long walk and leaving her, if she finds her way back home, don't open the door.
My wife is pregnant with a boy and i want to call him Lance
My wife said its such an uncommon name.
So i told her back in medievil days people were called Lance a lot
What's the largest export of Great Britain?
Independence days
You know why women's eyes are so noticeable these days?
It's the mask era.
I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was to uncommon...
... I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.
Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has p**... Trump s**... in the fresh snow.
Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says Mr President, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we've done a dna test on the u**..., and found the culprit. It turns out it's Mike Pence's. That traitor , shouts Trump. I'll have him hanged! Now, what did you say was the bad news? Well , says the SS chief, turns out it's Melania's handwriting .
My son is 2934 days old today.
He was born on 12/12/12.
The best beginner pet is a Hamster.
They live for 5 days and don't require any food or water.
Old Fridge
A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying, "Free to good home—you want it you take it." For three days, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were rather skeptical about such a good deal, so he changed the sign to read, "Fridge for sale, $50."
The next day, someone stole it.
Why do I always feel great on Saturday and Sunday, and sick on all the other days?
Maybe I just have a weekend immune system.
3 men were waiting in line to enter heaven
The angel at the gate asks the first man
"how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "10 times" the man answers. The angel gives him the keys to a 2010 Toyota Camry "this is how you will drive around heaven".
The second man says he cheated on his wife 5 times, the angel gives him a 2018 Lexus and let's him in.
The third man says he never cheated on his wife, he gets a 2021 Rolls Royce.
A few days later the 3 men meet and the man in the Rolls Royce is very sad, the men ask him what's wrong, he replys "I just saw my wife riding around on a scooter.
The Clintons snuck out of Secret Service and spent a weekend driving around like in the good ol' days
They stop at a gas station and the owner, it turns out, is Hillary's high school boyfriend. After exchanging pleasantries they drive away and Bill says "See, if you'd married him, you'd be married to a gas station owner".
Hillary responds "No, Bill, if I'd married him, he'd become the President of the United States".
Yesterday I saw two teenagers making out in the park, reminds me of my teenage days….
reminds me of my teenage days when I used to see other teenagers make out in the park
A man in Russia is asked by his wife to go get some sugar.
So he goes and he waits all day in a line. When he finally gets to the front of it, they tell him they're out. And he starts yelling. "This war is s**...! This is like being back in the bad old days, living under communism again!"
At once a policeman approaches him and says "Friend, be silent. You know, back in the bad old days, if you said such a thing aloud, well... you would have been shot. Just be glad things are different now."
So the man went home and his wife said "Were they out of sugar?"
And he said, "Yes! And also bullets!"
Had to stop at the gas station to fill my tires…
They raised the price to $1.50. I just can't believe the cost of inflation these days.
I broke up with a guy years ago due to his obsession with counting...
.... I wonder what he's up to these days.
I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.
Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.
A boyfriend and girlfriend die at the same time and go to heaven
They go up to see St. Peter on the pearly gates. They ask him Can we get married in heaven?
St. Peter says Hold on, I'll check.
The couple wait 72 hours and then finally St. Peter comes back and says Yes, you can get married in heaven.
The couple then asks What about a divorce?
St. Peter replies I just spent 3 days finding a minister. Do you have any idea how long it's gonna take to find a lawyer?
My husband has been missing for six days now
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I went to the charity shop to get his clothes back
I've been clean for 47 days now.
It's weird showering everyday but at least I have the h**... to get through it.
What's the best Chuck Norris joke you've ever heard?
My personal favorite is: Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died
After a 2000 year absence, the v**... Mary takes a trip down to earth.
After a couple of days, she calls back to heaven. "Hi Peter, this is the v**... Mary. I met a man." Peter says to her, "That's not bad. This is how it is down on earth."
The next day she calls back to heaven. "Hi Peter, this is the v**... Mary. I kissed the man. Is that bad?" Peter says to her, "No, that's part of life on earth."
The next day she calls back to heaven. "Hi Peter, this is Mary."
Whenever I'm in trouble, I ask myself what Jesus would do now.
And then I play dead and disappear from the scene for three days.
Why is helium so expensive these days?
Because of all the inflation.
Nobody upvotes a cake joke on cake days anymore
Feeling desserted
Me: Happy Pi day!
Her: Aren't you a few days late lol?
Me: Sorry, I was being irrational
I took some days off from work to break my personal sleep record.
Unfortunately my family has not been supportive of my "dreams".
My girlfriend forgot my birthday.
"I lost track of days," she explained. "I blame my period."
"Oh c'mon," I scoffed, "how can you blame your period?"
And she responded, "Because during that time of the month, one day bleeds into the next."
How do you threaten a calender?
Say "Your days are numbered."
Vasectomy
He swore blind he had recently had a vasectomy and now a few weeks later she was sitting on her bathroom floor surrounded by positive pregnancy tests.
She rang him demanding an explanation and he replied I had to sit in Accident and Emergency for two days with a flowerpot glued to my genitals before they finally removed it. What would you bloody call it? .
She told him what she thought he had meant and managed a rueful smile over the complications arising from the vase difference.
I've managed 434 days, 12 hours, 47 minutes and 17 seconds of sobriety.
I'm so glad alcohol doesn't dictate my life any more.
The best pet for beginners is a mouse.
They only live 5 days and require no food or water.
