Day Saints Jokes
35 day saints jokes and hilarious day saints puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about day saints that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Day Saints Short Jokes
Short day saints jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The day saints humour may include short daylight saving time jokes also.
- What's the difference between Saint Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day? Everyone wants to be Irish on Saint Patrick's Day.
- Why was Saint Valentine sad on the day commemorating him? Because he doesn't have no body to celebrate with.
(It's just a joke, don't lose your head.) - My kid just asked me 'Why doesn't Spongebob have his own day like his friend does?' Saint Patrick's Day.......
- Today is Saint Nikolaus Day, which, in some cultures, is when people leave their shoes outside their door and wake up to candy inside them What's next? We'll start getting presents in our socks?!
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Day Saints One Liners
Which day saints one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with day saints? I can suggest the ones about daylight savings and daylight savings time.
- What's a burger's favorite holiday??????????????? Saint Patty's Day of course.
- Ah, good ol' Saint Patrick's day... ... the day when all weathermen disappear.
- What's a pet's favorite day?
Saint Petrick's Day. - What do you call a m**... climber? A Ladder Day Saint.
Uproarious Day Saints Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about day saints you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean day of rest jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make day saints pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the only major difference between Cinco de mayo and Saint Patrick's day?
Nobody wants to pretend to be a Mexican for a day.
Sunday in church after St. Patrick's Day
It was a sunday after St. Patrick's day in the church of a small village in the west of Ireland. Obviously all the people were more or less hungover, which infuriated the pastor of the village.
"It's a disgrace how we celebrate our most important saint by indulging in binge drinking and other improper activities. If I could have all the wine in the world, I would throw it in the river!"
There was a wave of murmur among the churchgoers.
"If I could have all the beer in the world, I would throw it in the river as well!"
The people put their heads down in guilt, thinking about what they had done.
"If I could have all the SPIRITS in the world, I would throw them in the river with the beer and the wine!"
Now the church was completely silent.
After a short while, the musical conductor of the church spoke up, "Now let us sing hymn number 369, *'Shall We Gather at the River?'*"
---
I heard this story from the ambassador of Ireland in Finland.
Ducks
Three women die in an accident and go to Heaven. There Saint Peter says, 'We only have one rule - don't step on the ducks!' They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks everywhere. In fact, it's almost impossible not to step on a duck, and the first woman accidently steps on one straight away. Saint Peter comes along with the ugliest man the woman has ever seen and chains them together saying, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, the second woman steps on a duck and she too is chained to an incredibly ugly man. The third woman is very, very careful with the ducks and manages to avoid stepping on any of them. One day Saint Peter comes along and chains her to an incredibly handsome man. The woman is delighted but wonders why she's been blessed. She gets on her knees and prays aloud, 'Oh Lord, what have I done to deserve this bounty?' The man says, 'I don't know about you, lady, but I trod on a duck.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between l**... and l**... (Latter Day Saints)?
one you take with a sugar cube, the other with a grain of salt :P
Saint Peter has a day off...
... so Jesus takes his place. A man arrives at the Pearly Gates.
Jesus: Hello. Name?
Man: Joseph.
Jesus: What did you do for a living?
Man: Well...I was a carpenter.
Jesus: Have you made any good to humanity?
Man: Oh yes. I raised a child that revolutionized the world.
After along pause... Of thinking how much of a coincidence it is... Of re-reading what he wrote down. Jesus look up. Tears in his eyes.
Jesus: DAD?!
Man: PINOCCHIO!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old joke in my native language.
In a country, all the idiots lived together in a big town. One day, their leader dies. He had two children. Both of them were eligible to be the leader. They were quite confused who should be their leader. So, they visit a saint for advice.
The saint says: "Whoever will answer my question correctly will be the king of idiots..
..and the question is: **If a rooster sits on a tower, and lays an egg, in which direction will the egg fall?**"
Golfing on the sabbath
One day, a man named David decides to skip church to play golf. Up in heaven, Saint Peter sees this and reports David's sin to God. God says, "I will punish him accordingly." David plays a perfect game and goes home really pleased. Saint Peter sees this and goes to God and says, "What gives? You said you would punish him, yet he gets a perfect score." God smiles and says, "Who can he tell?"
Every night, my whole life, I'd prayed to the saints to keep my family and home safe.
Which is why when my house was destroyed in an earthquake my faith was shook. The saints must have been distracted by something that day. I don't want to point the finger at anyone in particular, but I can't help feeling it must have been San Andreas' fault.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There are extreme biases everywhere you look these days, for example..
It's totally okay for everyone paint red freckles on their face for Saint Patrick's Day, but when I wear black face on MLK Day it's a hate crime.
An Irish Proposal
An Irishman proposed to his girlfriend on Saint Patrick's Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond.
On learning it wasn't real she protested vehemently about his cheapness.
He explained that in honor of Saint Patrick's Day, he picked her a sham-rock.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a hypocritical member of the church of Latter Day Saints?
an oxy-m**....
or, all of them.
Church of latter day saints.
The other day I was stopped by a few guys from the Church of Latter Day Saints. They asked me "have you found our Lord the savior? I replied "Sorry, can't say that I have. Where was the last place you saw him?"
With it being Saint Patrick's Day, I have an important question for all of you. You all know why there are two Irelands right?
Many people say it's because of religious and Political beliefs, but I always like to think it's because Ireland wanted to Dublin size.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call it when the church of Latter Day Saints invades an area?
The m**... conquest.
Sunday in an Irish church
It was a sunday after St. Patrick's day in the church of a small village in the west of Ireland. Obviously all the people were more or less hungover, which infuriated the pastor of the village.
"It's a disgrace how we celebrate our most important saint by indulging in binge drinking and other improper activities. If I could have all the wine in the world, I would throw it in the river!"
There was a wave of murmur among the churchgoers.
"If I could have all the beer in the world, I would throw it in the river as well!"
The people put their heads down in guilt, thinking about what they had done.
"If I could have all the SPIRITS in the world, I would throw them in the river with the beer and the wine!"
Now the church was completely silent.
After a short while, the musical conductor of the church spoke up, "Now let us sing the hymn number 369, 'Shall We Gather at the River?'"
---
I heard this story from the ambassador of Ireland in Finland.
A young religious couple is about to get married
When their car crashes, killing them both. They come to the gates of heaven and are greeted by Saint Peter. He tells them that they were both faithful in life and he welcomes them into God's Kingdom.
"Wait," says the man. "We were about to be married, but we died before the ceremony. Is it possible to get a marriage in heaven?"
Saint Peter thinks about it, but he can't think of an answer. He tells them to wait and he'll see what he can do.
While he's gone, the couple starts thinking about how final a marriage in heaven is. After all, a marriage on Earth is 'til death do us part- but a marriage in heaven would be truly eternal.
Days later, Saint Peter comes back. "It was tough," he said, "but I managed to arrange a ceremony for you two."
"That's all good and fine," says the couple, "but can we a also get a prenup, just in case?"
Saint Peter throws his hands up in the air in frustration and says, "It took me this long to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was told this joke by an old lady back when I was 12.
Three men are at the gates of Heaven. The first walks up to Saint Peter, who asks him how he died.
"I knew my wife was cheating on me, but I had no proof, so I went home early one day to catch her. I walked in and saw her lying n**... in bed, but I didn't see the guy anywhere. I looked in the bathroom, in the closet, under the bed... nothing. But then I looked out the window and saw a man hanging from the fire escape below me in his boxers. In a fit of rage I picked up the refrigerator beside me and threw it at him. Unfortunately, this gave me a heart attack and I died."
Saint Peter gives his condolences and lets the first man into Heaven. The second man walks up.
"So I was doing pull ups on my fire escape this when all of a sudden this refrigerator comes out of nowhere and flattens me!"
Saint Peter again expresses his condolences at the dramatic irony and lets the second man in. The third then walks up.
"So I was sitting n**... in a refrigerator..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**... tries to get into Heaven
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates, Saint Peter told him that, because of severe overcrowding, all prospective heavenly souls had to pass an intelligence test to gain admittance. Are you ready? St. Peter asked?
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg shrugged.
Very well. Name two days of the week that begin with 'T.'
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg thought and thought. He furrowed his brows and looked at his boots. Finally, his eyes lit up and he said, Today and Tomorrow.
St. Peter couldn't argue with that, so he moved on to the second question. How many seconds are there in one year?
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg looked stumped and broke out in a sweat. He paced back and forth, kicked plumes of golden cloud dust, counted on his fingers and toes. Then it came to him: Twelve! he exclaimed.
St. Peter asked, Twelve? How did you come up with that?
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg replied, January 2nd, February 2nd… There are 12 months and each of 'em's got at least two days.
St. Peter nodded. I can accept that! Now, for your final question: What is God's first name?
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg smiled. Well, that's easy. It's Howard.
St. Peter stared at him. Howard? Where did you get that?
Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg explained, "From the prayer...'Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...'"
A lawyer and a priest die and go to heaven...
When arriving at the Pearly Gates, they're let in by St. Peter. The saint leads them to their heavenly quarters. The priest receives a tiny hut, a cot, a sink, and a toilet. The lawyer receives a stately mansion, with land and cars and riches. The priest is, of course, confused by this. He goes to St. Peter and says "I devote my life to the Lord and receive this hut and the lawyer gets an entire estate! While I am grateful, I must ask why our houses are so different?" St. Peter replies," Well, we get priests in here every day, but we want to treat the lawyer special, he's our first one!"
skipping church
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally
beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he
told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass
for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town
to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't
accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee,
he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from
the heavens and exclaimed "You're not going to let him get away with this, are
you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin,
dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.
IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Keeping promises to the grave.
Husband and wife are talking.
H: "Tell me the truth, honey: did you ever cheat me?"
W: "Oh, sweetheart, don't say such things"
H: "I mean it, Jennifer. If you would ever cheat on me, I would turn in my grave"
W: "I swear I never did and never will, my love. I would never have s**... with another man but you"
Some time later the man dies and after a month the wife dies too. She finds herself in front of the gates of heaven. Approaches to Saint Peter.
"I'm sorry your holiness, I'm looking for a man who died one month ago..."
"Kind lady, every day thousands of men arrive here. Could you be more specific?"
"His name is Jason. He... used to say he would turn in his grave if I cheated on him."
Saint Peter's eyes lights up and bursts laughing. Calls a nearby angel.
"Gabriel, go tell "The Windmill" that his wife arrived."
3 guys go to heaven...
3 men go to Heaven. They are greeted by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Saint Peter says to the 3 men, "Welcome to Heaven. There is only 1 rule in Heaven. Do not step on the ducks. God loves his ducks more than anything else, and you will be punished if you step on a duck." Saint Peter opens the gates, and lets the 3 men in. When they enter, they immediately notice that ducks are everywhere. They would have to be very careful not to step on the ducks.
A few days go by. One of the men accidentally steps on a duck. All of a sudden an angel appears and handcuffs the ugliest looking woman he has ever seen to him. The angel leaves.
A few weeks go by, and one of the other men steps on a duck. Again, an angel appears and handcuffs an extremely ugly woman to him.
The third man is very careful to never step on a duck. 3 years go by, and he never steps on a duck. One day an angel appears and handcuffs the most attractive, beautiful woman the man has ever seen to him. Before the man can question it, the angel disappears. The man looks over at the woman and says, "I don't know what I did, but it must have been something good." The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I just stepped on a duck."
.
.
Sorry if this joke is really old. It is one my grandfather used to tell me this joke all the time. Just passing it along.
A zebra meets God.
All his life the zebra always wondered whether he was a black zebra with white stripes, or a white zebra with black stripes. He thought about this often but never came to an answer.
Well, one day while he was out and about, he was shot by a hunter. When he arrived to heaven, he was face to face with Saint Peter.
Realizing where he was, the zebra asked Saint Peter if he could as God a question.
Before he knew it, the zebra was face to face with God. "What is the question you wish to ask?"
The zebra then said, "All my life I have been wondering this, my Lord, am I a black zebra with white stripes? or a white zebra with black stripes?"
Without hesitation, God replied "You are what you are." Before he knew it, the zebra was back with Saint Peter.
"Did he answer your question?" asked Peter.
"Not exactly..."
"Well, what did you ask him?"
"I asked whether I was a black zebra with white stripes or a white zebra with black stripes."
"What was his answer?"
"All he said was, 'You are what you are.'"
"Oh!" exclaimed Saint Peter, "that means you're a white zebra with back stripes."
The zebra was confused as to how Saint Peter knew this and asked him, "How do you know that?"
"Because," said Saint Peter, "if you were a black zebra with white stripes, he would've said, 'You iz what you iz.'"