Day Of The Horse Jokes

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the “good old days.”
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses.
One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked,
“Roy, aren’t you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?”
“Yup, we sure are,” Roy replied.
“Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?” another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, “For our twenty-fifth anniversary,
I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our fiftieth, I’ll go down there and get her.”

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Betty Sue written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on."
She shrugs and walks away.
Three days later he is reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."

A man walks into a bar one day and asks the bartender if he knows a man named Two Guns Gonzales.

The bartender says no but he tells him that the man in the back named No Guns knows him.
So the guy walks to the back of the bar and asks the man if he knows a guy named Two Guns Gonzales.
The man says, "Let me tell you a story...
One day about a week ago, I was riding into town on my horse and this large man with two guns comes riding up to me and says, "Get off your horse."
Well, Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I get off my horse.
Then he says, "Now drop your pants."
Well, Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do?
I take off my pants.
Then he says, "Now s**t."
Well Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do?
I s**t.
Then he says, "Now eat it."
Well Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I eat it.
Now, Two Guns is laughing so hard, he drops his guns!
I grab them!
Now I say, "Drop your pants."
Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do?
He drops his pants.
Then I say, "Now s**t."
Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do?
He s**ts.
Then I say, "Now eat it."
Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do?
He eats it.
So when you ask me if I know a man named Two Guns Gonzales, the answer is yes: I had lunch with him last week."

A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe's house and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.'
Joe replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've spent it already.'
Joe said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with it?
Joe said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't flog a dead horse!'
Joe said, 'Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month Later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'
Joe said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £5 apiece and made a profit of £2495.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Joe said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £5 back.'

COWBOY WHISPERER

Cowboy: "That your dog?"
Indian: "Yep."
Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian...)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian...)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down
often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather........"
Indian: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep lie..... "

Cowboy and the lesbian

A cowboy is sitting in a bar when a woman comes up to him and says, "Wow! Are you a REAL cowboy?" He says, "Well ma'am, I ride a horse, I herd cattle, I rope cattle... I reckon I'm a real cowboy." Then he gives her a lecherous leer and says, "So you like cowboys, do ya?" She says, "Oh don't get the wrong idea, I'm a lesbian." He says, "What's that?" She says, "It means I like women. In fact, all day long I think about nothing but gorgeous n**... women. Kissing them, touching them, having s**... with them... anyway, nice meeting you." And away she goes. A couple minutes later another woman comes by and says, "Hey, are you a REAL cowboy?" He says, "Well, ma'am, I used to think I was, but I just found out I'm a Lesbian."

The Horse and the Chicken

One day the horse and the chicken were walking along the road near the farm, merrily chatting away. Suddenly, the horse fell into a muddy hole and couldn't get out.
"Help help Chicken! I've fallen and I can't get out of this hole!", the Horse yelled. "Don't worry," said the chicken. "I'll just get the farmer's BMW and pull you out!"
The chicken did this, and all was well. The following day, without thinking the chicken fell into the same hole.
"Help help Horse! I've fallen into this hole and I can't get out!"
The horse smiled and said, "Don't worry Chicken. Just grab a hold of my w**...!"
"What?!?"
"Well, when you're hung like a horse, you don't need BMWs to pick up chicks."

Cowboy is captured

A cowboy is captured by a group of Indians after a gunfight. Because he fought so valiantly, they decide to kill him in three days, and to give him one wish each day before he dies. On the first day, he wishes to speak to his horse. The Indians bring his horse to him, and he whispers in its ear. The horse rides off and returns hours later with a buxom n**... blonde on its back. The cowboy takes her into his tent for a couple hours, then she leaves. The Indians are mildly puzzled, but shrug it off. The next day, the same process occurs. The man whispers in his horse's ear, and the horse rides off. Hours later, the horse returns with a n**... redhead, who spends a couple hours in the cowboy's tent. The Indians agree that this is not a terrible way to spend your last days. On the morning of his last day, the cowboy asks to see his horse one last time. He walks up to his horse, grabs him by both ears, and stares him in the face.
"Listen to me Buster. I - SAID - POSSE!"

I told you I was broke…

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners . '
'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.

The husband and the horse.

The husband seated, reading his newspaper when his wife, furious, came from the kitchen and hits him in the head with a skillet .
Startled, he gets up and asks:
- Why did you do that? She responds: - I found this is the piece of paper in your pants with Mary's name and number. - Honey, remember the day I went to the horse racing? Yeah ... Mary was the horse I bet on, and the number was how much they were paying for the bet. The woman then left asking for apologies...
Days later, there he was again seated when he receives a new punch, this time with a pressure cooker.
Even more surprised (and dizzy), he asks: - What happened now, my love? She replies: - Your horse just called ...

The Lone Ranger

Once, in the Wild, Wild West, the lone ranger was captured by an Indian tribe. The Chief of the tribe says, "I have heard of you, Lone Ranger. If you can impress me enough within three days, I will let you go free."
So, the Lone Ranger thinks hard for a few minutes and says, "May I have a minute alone with my horse?"
The Chief obliges him, and not 30 seconds later, the horse gallops out of the tent and runs away. The Chief is puzzled, but the Lone Ranger seems satisfied nonetheless. A few hours pass, but then the Lone Ranger's horse returns with an absolutely beautiful blonde girl, with whom the Lone Ranger spends the night.
The Chief is absolutely amazed, but not enough so to let the Lone Ranger go. So, the Lone Ranger asks to, again, hold council with his horse. And again, the horse gallops away, returning later with a redhead even more beautiful than the previous lady.
The next day, the Chief tells the Lone Ranger, although he is impressed, he is not going to let him go. So, the Lone Ranger asks to be left alone with his horse. After the tribe vacated the room, he whispers into the horse's ear very succinctly,
"Bring. Posse."

So a city boy moves to the country.

Bob always hated his big city life, so one day he sold all his possessions and moved to the countryside.
Proud of the new land he purchased he felt like exploring one day, so he got on his horse and follow the old barbed wire fence til he spotted a man
"Hey there! how's it going? I'm Bob and I came here to get away from the city!"
"izzat so?" the man replied "well in that case, I guess I should be invitin' ya to a neighborhood party happenin' at my place tonight. but I should warn ya city boy, out in the country we like to drink a lot at our parties"
"well" bob said "in the city the bars are open all night, I think I can handle the drinking"
"Ok, if you say so. out here in the country we also tend to fight when we drink"
"oh, well the city is a violent place too, I think I can handle myself."
"Alright don't say I didn't warn ya, there's one more thing though, our parties can get a little wilder, and though the church don't condone it, pre-marital s**... tends to happen too."
bob chuckling to himself at this point said " well I think I can handle that too. I'll be sure to swing by tonight. By the way, just so I fit in, is there any sort of dress code I should follow so I don't stand out?
"oh you don't worry 'bout that, just show up in whatever feels comfortable. It's just gonna be the two of us tonight"

Physics joke

A man is interested in placing a bet on a horse race; only he's a smart, educated guy and doesn't want to blow his money on the wrong horse. He decides to consult a vet, a statistician an a physicist.
He goes to the vet. The vet examines the horses for a few minutes, then points to a horse and says: "this is the healthiest, strongest, horse. He'll probably win".
He then goes to the statistician. The statistician takes a couple of hours to analyze all the previous races of all contending horses. He takes into account the horse's nutrition, the weather, the day of the week, the number of spectators and many other factors. In the end, he points to a horse and says that, based on past performance, it has the highest probability of winning the race.
Finally, the man goes to a physicist. The physicist thinks for a few minutes and tells him he needs a few days to think it over. A day passes, then two days, then three. It's finally a day before the race and the bets have to be placed. But still there's no word from the physicist. The man decides he has to get an answer so he angrily calls the physicist himself. His reply? "listen, the problem you've given me was harder than I anticipated. By now, I only managed to solve it for a spherical horse in vacuum".

Lucky Numbers

There was this man by the name of Mr Five.
His lucky number was, not surprisingly, 5.
He was 55 years old, ate 5 times a day, always brought with him $55 in his wallet and always wore a shirt with 5 pockets.
One day, he saw a horse by the name of Lucky Five was racing.
He bet $5555.55 on the horse.
After 5 hours the results are out.
Sure enough the horse comes in fifth.

A man sits at the bar drinking and looking upset.

The bartender asks him what's wrong. The man looks up and says
"I lost it all playing the ponies. A million dollars. I had it and I lost it all."
The bartender is taken aback. "If you don't mind me prying, a million dollars is a lot of money. How'd you end up losing it?"
The man downs his drink. "Pour me another and I'll tell you. I went to the track with five dollars. That's it. I was only gonna spend five and go home. So I gets a good feeling about this horse named Fedora. He had incredible odds so I went for it. Turns out he won. So I makes a five into a hundred. I'm on a roll now, so in the next race I bets on a horse named Top Hat. Again, the odds are in my favour. He wins, and I turns a hundred into six thousand. It continues all day, every race. Beret made 6000 into 120,000. And Trilby makes 120,000 into 1,200,000. That's no small potatoes. I shoulda known hat names wouldn't work forever, but I thought I had a winner with Cowboy. He lost. I lost."
The bartender is invested in the story by this point. He waits with bated breath. "So who won?"
"Some d**... horse named Yarmulke."

A real cowboy?

An old cowboys goes into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. As he sits there sipping his bourbon, a young lady sits down next to him. She turns to the cowboys and asks "Are you a real cowboy?".
He replies "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences and branding cattle, so I guess I am".
She says "That's cool. I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think about women. When I shower or watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women".
The young lady finishes her drink and leaves and soon after a couple sits down next to the cowboy and the man asks him "Are you a real cowboy?".
He replies "Well, I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian".

One fine day, in the middle of the night...

*This is a humours verse I've known since I was a kid. I don't know where it came from, and my googling has failed me. If anyone else knows the origin, that would be great!*
One fine day, in the middle of the night,
Two dead men, got up to fight,
One lame man, rang up to call an ambulance,
The ambulance came, with two dead horses pulling it,
They ran over a dead cat, and nearly killed it,
Now the cat's in hospital, with nothing wrong with it.
Admission is free, pay at the door,
We'll give you the best seat, so sit on the floor.

Marylou

One day, as a husband was reading the Sunday paper, his wife smacked him upside the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" cried the husband.
"I was doing your laundry when I found a piece of paper with the name of Marylou on it!" screamed the wife. "Who is she? Are you cheating on me?"
"Honey don't worry. Remember when I went to the horse race three weeks ago with my friends? Marylou was the name of the horse I was betting on.
Satisfied, the wife continued doing the laundry. A few hours later, the wife smacked the husband with a frying pan again.
"What was that for?" said the annoyed husband.
"Your horse called."

VENTRILOQUIST COWBOY

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk) ...... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow...

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found.
So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking.
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse says: "I think I can get you out."
So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: "Grab hold of my 'thing' and pull yourself up."
The chicken does this and is pulled to safety. Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

A zebra dies and goes to heaven

He meets Peter at the pearly gates, and decided to ask him a question that had been nagging him his whole life. "Peter, am I a white horse with black stripes, or am I a black horse with white stripes?" Peter is stumped, so he tells the zebra to ask the big man himself. So the zebra clip clops into heaven, and one day meets God. He finally gets enough courage to approach him and asks the same question he asked at the gates. God immediately replies "You are what you are, son." The zebra is even more confused than ever. After a few days, the zebra runs into Peter once again, and tells him what God told him.
"Oh, you're a white horse with black stripes!"
The zebra asks Peter how he could have possibly deduced that from Gods answer. "Well, if you were a black horse with white stripes, he would have told you 'You is what you is'"

A Horse and a Chicken

The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found.
So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking..!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole.
The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole..!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up."
And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story -
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

Some day in Berlin

Yussel Rabinowitz and his wife Bessie were hiding from the n**... in a secluded Berlin basement.
One day Yussel decided to get a breath of fresh air, but while out walking he came face to face with Adolf h**... himself. The German leader pulled out a gun and pointed to a pile of horse-s**... in the street.
All right, Jew! he shouted, Eat that or I'll kill you.
Trembling, Yussel did as he was ordered. h**... began laughing so hard that he dropped his gun.
Yussel grabbed it and said, Now you eat, or I'll shoot!
The fuhrer got down on his hands and knees and began eating. While he was occupied, Yussel sneaked away and ran back to his basement. He slammed the door shut, bolted and locked it securely.
Bessie, Bessie! he shouted. Guess who I had lunch with today!

Frying pan..

A man was sitting reading a newspaper when suddenly his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for? "
The man asked.
The wife replied:
"That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket."
The man said:
"Ooh..When I was at the races last week, the name of the horse I bet on was Jenny. "
The wife apologized & went on with the housework.
3 days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashed him on the head again with a bigger frying pan.
The man shouted in pain. .
"What was that for? "
Wife replied:
"Your horse phoned. "

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250.

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chucks house and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell any body he's dead.'
A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.'

The Cowboy and his Horse

A cowboy gets captured by indians, and they decide to execute him at sundown. Before they kill him they decide to offer him one last wish.
The cowboy asks to speak to his horse.
The Indians bring the Cowboy his horse. The horse comes close to him, and the cowboy whispers in the horse's ear. The horse then runs off.
A few hours later, the horse returns. Behind him is ten other horses, with ten n**... women. The indians are pleasantly surprised. They all have a feast and enjoy the company of the n**... women. They have such a good time that the decide to postpone the execution until the next day.
The next day, the indians come back to the cowboy and tell him that since they enjoyed the company of the women so much, they would be willing to offer him another wish. The cowboy, again, asks to speak to his horse.
The horse comes in and the cowyboy whispers in the horses's ear:
"I asked you to bring the POSSE!"

The Old Amish Lady and the Police Officer

One day an elderly Amish lady is riding her horse and buggy back from the farmers market when a police officer pulls her over for a broken reflector. He gets out of his car and notifies her of it. She replies, "Oh thank you officer! Is there anything else?" So the officer does a routine inspection of the 'vehicle' and notices that one of the reins is wrapped around the horses t**.... He notifies the lady and she thanks him and tells him that her husband will take care of all of it when she gets home. When she gets home, she tells her husband all about the event with the cop and all about the reflector. The husband replies, "That's simple. I can fix that in a jiffy. Was there anything else?" After thinking for a moment, the old woman replies, "I can't quite remember. Something about the emergency brake."

The Gynecologist had become

fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine.
The day of the final exam came. The Dr had to completely rebuild an engine, which he did in record time. When the grades were posted, he was surprised to see that he had achieved a score of 125%. Curious, he spoke to his teacher.
"I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth or anything but how can I have gotten a score above 100%?" he asked.
"Well" said the instructor, 'You took the engine apart perfectly, that accounts for 50% of the grade, you put it back together flawlessly, that accounts for 50% or the grade. The extra 25% is because never in my career have I seen that all done through a four inch exaust pipe!"

Dating in the old days

Back when my Grandpa was courtin' (dating) my Grandma in the rural mountains of North Carolina he picked her up for their first date in his horse-drawn buggy. As they were traveling down the bumpy dirt roads his bowels began to rumble and he was struggling to keep from breaking wind. About halfway to his parent's house a storm started to blow in so he decided the next time he saw lightning he would time it and let it rip during the thunder. This worked perfectly and Grandma never knew. Soon he felt the urge again and he waited for the lightning and timed it perfectly. Wanting to make casual conversation he said to Grandma, We had better hurry, that one sounded close . Grandma said Yes, it smells like it struck a s**... .

Back in the pioneer days...

A couple traveling west saw an old Native American man with his ear pressed to the ground, unmoving. As they approached, the man's eyes slowly opened and he said:
"Large wagon train. Fifty wagons. Lead cart has team of five horses. Half wagons covered, half not. Cart in middle have chip in wheel. Last wagon have team of three. One brown, one black, one tan. Tan horse have cropped tail."
The pioneers, shocked, said, "That's amazing! You can hear all that just by putting your ear to the ground?"
The old brave replied, "No. Ran over me half hour ago..."

A cowboy is sitting in a bar...

A woman sits down next to him and says, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He says, "Well ma'am, I ride a horse all day, herd cattle, rope cattle, brand cattle. I reckon I'm a real cowboy alright. So... you like cowboys, do ya?"
She says, "Oh, don't get the wrong idea. I'm a lesbian."
Cowboy says, "What's that?"
She says, "It means I like women. All I think about all day is women. Beautiful, sensual, e**..., n**... women. Nice to meet a real cowboy though." Then she gets up and leaves.
Another woman comes and sits down. "Say there... are you a real cowboy?"
He ponders for a moment and says, "Well ma'am, I used to think I was. But I just found out I'm a lesbian."

Blonde Near Death Experience

A blonde named Anna had a near death experience the other day when she went horseback riding.
Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.
Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unplug it.

A child psychologist had twin boys

one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist's room with toys and games. In the optimist's room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.
That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.
What's wrong? the father asked.
I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken! sobbed the pessimist.
Passing the optimist's room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of droppings. Why are you so happy? he asked.
The optimist shouted, There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!

7

I had this strange dream the other night, July 7th to be exact. I was alone in this wide open field, and on this field was a large number seven. This confused me, and woke me up, I looked at the clock and sure enough it was seven o'clock. I thought this was strange but didn't think too much into it, that was until I hailed a taxi and, of course it was number seven as well. I got to thinking, how can I use this to my advantage? So I went to the local horse track, and in the seventh race of the day, there was a horse named Lucky Number Seven, so I placed my bet and wouldn't you know it,
He came in seventh.

Day at the Races

A priest is out at his congregation's Day at the Races annual event. Dressed in his collar, he was looking very Priestly.
Prior to Race 7, a track regular stops the priest as they are viewing the horses in the paddock.
Here we go again, he wants my blessing on his bet, the father predicts in his head.
Father, who -, the gamblers starts but is cut off by the priest.
My son, I can offer you a prayer to live by - God's will be done.
The man shot back, Godswillbedone, is that the name of the horse?

A cowboy goes into a bar and sits down...

.... he orders a drink and lights a cigarette. A lady walks up to him and asks are you a real cowboy? He looks up and says Of course I am! I ride a horse and rope cows all day long. What are you? The lady replies I'm a lesbian. I think about women constantly. I wake up and I think about women, I go about my day thinking about women and I go to sleep and dream about women.
Later a couple walks into the bar and they sit down next to the cowboy and order drinks. Are you a real cowboy? The wife asks. The cowboy looks up at her with an ashen face and says I thought I was but today I learned I'm a lesbian!

A man comes home after a long day, his wife then hits him in the back of the head with a frying pan

He clutches his head in pain asking her, Honey why? Why did you do that? She answers, When I was doing your laundry I found a receipt in your pocket with a woman's name on it. He responds, That's why you hit me? Honey Mary-Ann is a horse I bet on, that's the receipt for my bet. She accepts that and apologizes and they make up.
Next week the same thing happens, he comes home and is struck in the back of his head with a frying pan, the husband asks, AGAIN? You hit me in the head with a frying pan again, why?!
The wife looks at him and says, Your horse called.