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Day Of Rest Jokes

103 day of rest jokes and hilarious day of rest puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about day of rest that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Day Of Rest Short Jokes

Short day of rest jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The day of rest humour may include short workers day jokes also.

  1. Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, and you feed him for the rest of his life.
  2. If you buy a man a plane ticket, he will fly for a day… If you push a man out of a plane, he will fly for the rest of his life
  3. Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day. But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
  4. Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.
    Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
  5. Leave a man on a plane and he flies for a day. Throw a man off a plane and he flies for the rest of his life.
  6. Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Give a man a poison fish and feed him for the rest of his life.
  7. I got arrested the other day for holding a little girl's hand They wanted to know where the rest of her body was
  8. Build a man a fire, and he'll stay warm for a day... SET a man on fire, and he'll stay warm for the rest of his life.
  9. I treat every day like I am running a marathon tomorrow... I rest, load up on carbs and don't run.
  10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day Give a man a puffer fish and he will eat for the rest of his life

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Day Of Rest One Liners

Which day of rest one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with day of rest? I can suggest the ones about days of the week and laughter day.

  1. Police were called to a day care Toddler was resisting a rest.
  2. What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
  3. Did you know Saturday and Sunday are the strongest days? The rest are just weekdays...
  4. What are the strongest days? Saturday and Sunday; the rest are weekdays.
  5. On which day does a serial killer rest? On the stabbath!
  6. A toddler was arrested at a day care today... He was resisting a rest
  7. What do you call it when you fail to break your addiction to mid-day rests? Re-naps
  8. Procrastination is a really deep word. I'll tell you guys the rest some other day.
  9. God made the world in 7 days... and the rest Made In China
  10. There must not be any Christians in the NFL. The Sabbath day is for rest.
  11. Rest in Peace Robert Downey Jr. I'm sure you had a long day.
  12. Why did God rest on the 7th day? Because he felt a little week.
  13. A man walked into a bar He had a headache for the rest of the day
  14. Happy Womens day! You can take this one, We'll take the rest of the year.
  15. What did the cop say to his bed after a long day at work? You under a rest!

Day Of Rest Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about day of rest you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean rests jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make day of rest pranks.

The Drums Must Not Stop

A man was exploring the African jungle and came upon a tribe of natives, their presence underscored by the distinctive and monotonous beating of drums. The man spoke with the tribe and they allowed him to stay with them and sleep on their grounds.
The first night, the man didn't sleep a wink due to the ongoing drumming so he spoke to the chief. "Chief, I got no sleep last night. Could you maybe stop the drumming for a night so I could rest?"
The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."
The man figured it was their culture and focused on enjoying the day, studying and spending time with the tribe.
That night, the drums again kept the man awake for the whole night and in the morning he spoke with the chief.
"Chief, please! I need some sleep; couldn't the drums cease for just one night for my health?"
The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."
The man, exacerbated, let the issue drop and tried to focus on the day at hand, but could not focus due to lack of sleep and the incessant pounding of the drums.
That night, the beating of the drums left the man sleepless yet again in the morning he angrily approached the chief.
"Chief, I've just about had it. The drums must stop; it is impossible to get any rest with them!"
The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."
"Why! Why can the drums not stop? What happens when the drums stop?!"
The chief replied, "Bass solo."

Give a man fire...

...keep him warm for a day
Set a man on fire, keep him warm for the rest of his life.

For my cake day, a joke...

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

A poor couple...

A poor couple try their best to make ends meet. Times were hard, and there were days when the couple couldn't afford to eat. To curb their hunger, the couple would have s**....
One evening, the husband comes home from work and finds his wife h**... the arm rest of the couch. Perplexed, the husband asks what she was doing. The wife responds, "nothing, just heating up your dinner."

Mafia florists

Some Italian mafia members own a florist shop in a city. Theirs is the only florist is the area, and so they control most of the flower business in the area.
One day, however, another florist shop opens up across the street. Afraid for their business, the mafia send one of theirs to rustle the place up, maybe scare them off. But he comes back to report that the florists are all friars! Being devout Catholics, they can't mess with the good friars.
The mafia boss has a solution. He turns to a guy named Hugh.
"Hey Hugh, you're atheist, right?"
"Yes."
"You you'll have no qualms about shaking up that flower shop?"
"I don't see why I would, boss."
Then he puts his hand on Hugh's shoulder, turns to the rest of the group, and says,
"Only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

What do you call a pile of cats?

A MEOWTAIN.
Told this one at work after two weeks straight of 12+ hours days and laughed so hard I got sent home for the rest of the day to get sleep. To this day, every time I tell it I start giggling uncontrollably... Yep.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer...

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
"Here'sto spending the rest of me Life,
Between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
Toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
Prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life,
Sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
Buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
Leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
asleep".

Best toast in all of Ireland

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
Life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of
The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
Me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
Night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
Only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
The ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

Obedient husband

Little boy was curious why did his father do everything his mother asked, so one day he asked his dad: "Dad, why are you so obedient. None of other dads listen to their wife's like you."
Dad said: "Well, you see son, when you were born, your mother and I made a deal. If she would allow me to give you your name I would do anything she asks for the rest of our lives"
"Was it worth it, dad."
"It sure was, Goku."

I agree

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold soda.
The day was really quite beautiful,
and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about the age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another soda, and some heavy deductive thinking,
I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
"It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,
"You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.

My Wife won't like it

One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, Are you okay, what's your name?"
"Its Jack , and I'm Okay thanks," I replied.
"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very s**... and persuasive... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!"

If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat.
If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.

A boy goes to the circus

and one of the sideshows is a tent that says "Man Who Remembers Everything." Intrigued, the boy goes inside and sees an old Native American man sitting on the ground. He approaches the man and asks, "If you remember everything, what did you have for breakfast exactly three weeks ago?"
Without hesitation, the man responds, "Eggs." The boy is sufficiently impressed and leaves to enjoy the rest of the circus.
Many years later, the boy has grown up, gotten married, and had children. One day he takes his family to the circus and is shocked to see the Man Who Remembers Everything is still there. He brings his family into the tent, and there is the same old man sitting on the ground.
Excited to see the old man again, he walks up and greets him, "How!"
The old man looks into his eyes and replies, "Scrambled."

Joke of The Day

A new Student came to the class. After telling the rest of the Children his name, the teacher asked, "what does your Father do"?
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Student :" Whatever Mom Says"

Here's one for you recent graduates.

A college grad decides to get a job at a hardware store for the summer. He shows up on his first day of work and his boss hands him a broom.
"Here, your first task is to sweep out all the aisles. After that, I'll show you where the rest of the cleaning supplies are."
The grad looks at the broom and says to his boss, "I don't think you understand, I'm a college graduate."
His boss replies, "Oh, no problem. I can show you how to use a broom."

I got caught sniffing underwear...

I got caught sniffing my friend's sister's underwear the other day,
What made it worse was she was still wearing them,
Made the rest of her f**... really awkward.

What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
I know, I know... even I'm ashamed of myself for posting this!

You've heard of "to teach a boy to fish... "

The old saying goes "you give a man a fish he eats for a day, but teach him to fish he eats for his lifetime." In the military they tell privates the same thing but a little differently.
It goes "you make a fire for a soldier, he's warm for the night. You light the soldier on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life."

A man is up for m**...

A man is up for m**... and discovers his friend a member of the jury
He asks him with great glee "will you please try and get me sentenced with manslaughter"
His friend decides to take up the request.
The mans day in court comes up and he is sentenced with manslaughter, delighted he turns to his friend ans says "was it difficult to get everyone else to go with manslaughter"
His friend replies "it wasn't easy the rest of them didn't think you were guilty at all"

People often misuse the word "chivalry."

I looked up the rules of chivalry. Only one part is about respecting women. The rest is medieval battle etiquette.
The other day I didn't open a door for a women behind me. "I guess chivlary is dead," she said. Enraged, I challenged her to armed combat
Turns out I'm the better jouster.
Chivalry is alive but that woman is dead.

Lesson 4 of 6: The Crow and the Rabbit

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long? The crow answered: sure, why not! So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
**Moral of the story**: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

What did the cannibal say as he took his spouse's thigh out of the refrigerator?

Today is the first day of the rest of my wife.

So a guy walks into a bar and sees three steaks taped to the ceiling....

He then asks the bartender why are there three steaks taped to the ceiling? The bartender says well you get one shot, if you jump up and touch one of the steaks then you get free drinks for the rest of the day, however if you miss, you must buy everyone else's drinks for the next hour. The guy ponders for a minute and then says, I would do it, but the stakes are too high.

Give a child a plastic toy and they'll play for a day.

Give a child a plastic bag and they'll play for the rest of their lives.

Autocorrect Inspired Poem

It means no worries
For the rest of your days
Haiku na Mattatta

Doctor- I've got good news and bad news...

Take one of these pills every day for the rest of your life and all your symptoms will disappear.
Man- That's great! But I see there are only three pills in this bottle.
Doctor- Yeah, well... I was getting to the bad news.

Give a teen a pizza, they'll be full for a day

Give a teen a tide pod, they'll be full for the rest of their life

Tell a man a joke and he'll laugh for a day.

Tell a man he is a joke and he'll cry for the rest of his life.

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.

Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.

Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.

Force a man a fish down his t**... and he'll be fed for the rest of his life.

A woman dies and goes to Heaven

There she is found by St Peter and is escorted to where she'll reside for the rest of her days. As they walk through Heaven,they go through a giant hallway full of clocks. "What are these clocks on the wall",she asks St Peter. "Every man and woman on earth has a personal clock and everytime he or she commits a sin,the clock ticks". "Ohhh...and where's my husband's clock?" she asks."Ahh,we've been using this one in Jesus' office as an air fan"

Make a fire and you'll be warm for a day.

Light yourself on fire and you'll be warm for the rest of your life

Peace Mr Gunther.

After a long, tough, life Mr Gunther, born on 21.06.1946 on a beautyfull suny day.
He has found his rest and peace.
The f**... of his wife will be held on Thursday.

Give a man a torch and he'll have light for a day

Torch a man and he'll be lit for the rest of his life

Whattaya call someone who seems to have an almost fetishistic obsession with stomping into a comments section, saying something absolutely horrible, and spending the rest of the day slapfighting with whole threads of people calling them an idiot?

A compulsive mass debater.

If you google about fish

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But if you google about fish just once, you'll see advertisements about fishing for the rest of your days.

Give a Nigerian a fish, he will eat for a day,

Teach a Nigerian how to phish and he will be a prince for the rest of his life.

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"
And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."
The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

I gave a man a flight ticket and he flew for a day.

My friend pushed a man off a plane and he flew for the rest of his life.

I was extremely tired and walked into a police officer the other day.

Ended up being guilty of resisting a rest.

Give a man plane tickets, and he flys for a day...

... but throw a man out of a plane, he flies for the rest of his life

Remember the song Blue by Eiffel 65?

You do now.
Enjoy having that in your head for the rest of the day.

Buy a man a plane ticket, and he will fly for a day

Throw a man from a plane, and he will fly for the rest of his life.

What's worse than the doctor saying you'll have to take pills every day for the rest of your life ?

Realizing he only gave you one box

If you give a man fire you keep him...

...warm for a day. If you set him on fire, you will keep him warm for the rest of his life

Confucius once said...

"Buy a man an airplane ticket, and he flies for a day. Throw a man out of a flying plane, and he flies for the rest of his life."

On his first day at a resort in Greece, George and his wife went down to the beach.

Later when he went back to his room to get something to drink, he found the chambermaid making their bed. He grabbed his cooler and was on his way back out when he stopped at the door and asked, "Can we drink beer on the beach?"
"Sure." she replied. "Let me finish the rest of the rooms first."

I've decided to become a better father, so I'm down to five cigarettes a day now.

The rest of the pack I give to my twelve year old son.

A prisoner slipped on the stairs 5 years into his 14 year sentence.

He suffered some minor injuries but he decided to pretend to be in a coma for rest of his sentence.
When he finally decided to drop the act on the last day of his sentence, the warden arrested him again, because you aren't supposed to end a sentence with a coma.

Kanye West

After a long day of work, Kanye West goes to his Kanye Nest to take his Kanye Rest. He wakes up feeling his Kanye Best. Then he'll get Kanye Dressed on his Kanye Vest to go on a Kanye Quest. He goes to church and becomes Kanye Blessed, then to a hotel room to be a Kanye Guest. Then to school to take his Kanye Test. He forgot to brush his teeth. Did he run out of Kanye Crest? His neighbor stole it, what a Kanye Pest.

The secret of long life

A young man met a cowboy who was 104, still active and in good health. He asked the old-timer what the secret was to his longevity.
The old man said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal every morning see. If you do, you'll live to a nice, ripe old age."
So the young man did this religiously every day for the rest of his life, and sure enough, lived to the age of 100.
When he died he left behind 6 children, 10 grandchildren, 56 great-grandchildren...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!
Trump replies, I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!
So the Pope slapped him.

On the seventh day God rested when He should've fixed the bugs.

Just came up with this after dealing with somebody's p**....

Build a man a fire, you'll warm him for a day.

Set a man on fire, you'll warm him for the rest of his life.

Do you know why Saturday and Sunday are considered strong days?

Because the rest are weak days

Joe Biden and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

As they are waving to everyone, Biden leans towards Trump saying,
Did you know, that with one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? Also, this joy will not be merely a momentary display, like that of your followers, but will go deep into their hearts, and for the rest of their lives, whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!
Trump replies, I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Come on, show me!
So Biden slapped him.

Before our marriage when my wife told me that she's a cat person, I should have realized that...

..... for the rest of my life she's gonna sit on the other side of the bed & ignore me all day.

"Give a poor man a fish and you will feed him for a day

Give a poor man a poisoned fish and you will feed him for the rest of his life"

Give a man a fish and he will be fed for a day,

Give a man a gram of uranium and he will be fed for the rest of his life.

The Story of Creation as told by Dog

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy, and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

A wise saying

Build a fire for a man, and he will be warm for a day.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his liffe.

My wife and I stopped by the optician's to pick up my new glasses.

Once the optician finished he minor adjustments, my wife looked up at me and said, "Wow, you look amazing! Like Clark Kent!" It made me smile...
We had other errands to run, and the compliments just kept coming; "You look like a movie star! So s**...!" Man, I felt great. In fact this kept up for the rest of the day. I was on cloud nine!
That evening, as we were getting into bed, I took off my new glasses and set them on my nightstand. My wife glanced over at me and said, "Oh. It's you."

Doctor please

Doctor: "I'm afraid you're going to have to take one of these pills every day for the rest of your life."
Patient: "But you only prescribed 7 pills!"
Doctor: "Exactly!"

Make a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Winning the lottery.

My friend Bob won a million dollars the other day so I asked him what will he do with his winnings?
Bob said "Probably pay off my credit card debt".
I said what about the rest of it?
Bob says "well I suppose it'll get paid off eventually".

a man had travelled all day , and stoped at an inn to rest for a few days

man: "what are the rates for a room with 1 bed ? "
Innkeeper: "The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you make your own bed."
man: "I'll make my own bed."
Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood

Which days are the strongest?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week days.
My daughter just told me this joke and I'm busting with pride.

Had the wierdest day first I found a hat full of change just sitting on the pavement...

...then I spent the rest of the morning being chased by an angry one-man-band.