Following is our collection of Day funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include dirty puns, clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.
One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, I want to be President one day.
Trump says, Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?
The kid replies, You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.
Because he needed 3² meals a day.
Since she can't even beat an egg
She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.
Being ugly every day sucks.
...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.
Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!
He said, Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.
Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will
use twice a year
Teach a man to phish, he will become a Nigerian Prince.
Cause he needs 3 squared meals a day
I'm sorry
Then you'll all be sorry
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."
He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"
"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.
"No, only one."
He starts cleaning the rifle again.
Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."
Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."
Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop
It's laundry day.
"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.
A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.
A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he told his wife he had slept at his friend's house. Not believing him, the wife called 10 of his best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had spent the night there and the other 2 said he was still there.
It's been hard showering every day, but thankfully I had heroin to help me through it.
She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10"
I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton
A man and. woman are chatting in an elevator. "What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."
The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator.
The next day, they meet in the elevator again.
The man asks, "So, where you off to today?"
"Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.
I watched my father grill burgers. When they were done, he handed me one, telling me it was a Bison burger. He then left.....never came back......I know he may not have been dedicated to his family, but he was dedicated to his jokes.
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
I repied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
I'm tired of being fat every day.
It's a vicious cycle.
It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
So I shouted, "Thomeone help! I can't thwim!"
A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.
I have no idea what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
He replied,"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again."
Trump 20:16
When he enters, the woman at the front desk stops him, and says, "Sorry, we don't allow blacks in here. But there's another club 10 minutes down the road that does."
Visibly furious, Bolt exclaims, "Do you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt!"
"Oh! I'm sorry", says the woman. "Then it's only 5 minutes down the road."
It's getting less funnier each day I tell her.
She tells the attendant that she needs to have her dress cleaned.
However, the attendant wasn't paying attention. Snapping out of his day dream, he asked, "Come again?"
Giggling, the blonde replied, "No, just mustard this time."
But today is opposite day so it's all good
Fat. You get fat.
What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.
We have 2 basic needs sir, replied the villager.
Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.
On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.
Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.
Round and irrational.
Happy Pi Day everyone!
I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."
The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.
She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."
Girl: "I don't wear glasses."
Me, while polishing my lenses: "No, but I do."
She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."
God said,
"I think I'm going to call it a day."
She was way better than the other two.
At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin.
It's what he would have wanted...
when they get pulled over by a police officer.
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver
"Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;
"Alright officer, we'll do it"
I was walking around town the other day when I saw these two jerk-offs wearing matching outfits, I mean, down to the *belt* same outfits, so I yelled to over to them "Hey faggots did you plan that?"
Anyways, they arrested me.
The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."
Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"
The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"
Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Dave: No...
Librarian: One day that will work.
She told me to use the back door and I'd have to be quick.
In retrospect I should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that.
that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different.
Happy Mother's Day!
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.
Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home.
That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them.
"Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked.
He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."
The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it every day.
I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.
It was a sham rock.
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.
One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"So?"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
but it's been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.
Really makes my day.
Throw a man off a plane and he flies for the rest of his life.
She was furious, she said *"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"*
First my granny dies, now this?
Then you'll all be sorry
I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.
"All you do is boss me around all day!" said one of his sheep.
"What did you say?" said the farmer.
"You herd me."
F5
The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."
The husband says "Who is his father?"
The wife says **"You are."**
A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black? The dad replies, Why do you want to know, son? Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!
Breed a man that can lay an egg and suddenly you're taking science too far.
So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.
Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."
I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.
I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.
Two chicks walk into a bar. One says to the other,"Have you ever heard of the Bechdel test?" The other says,"Yeah, my boyfriend was telling me about it the other day."
Extra Karma... I hope.
Once he stopped laughing, he wrote me up for indecent exposure...
If you call a girl fat, she'll never forget it, because elephants never forget.
I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.
RIP Rodney.
Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.
A woman I work with locked me in her basement for two months once and used me as her sex slave.
One day I noticed she forgot to lock the door and I thought, "Great, this is my chance!"
So I ran up the stairs and grabbed the phone.
Half hour later the pizza arrived, and I went back down to the basement.
So I punched him & stole his lunch money.
So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.
A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills
No, the cars are much faster.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.