One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, I want to be President one day.
Trump says, Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?
The kid replies, You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.
"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"
"Yesterday?" I replied.
Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we fucked without a condom.
Since she can't even beat an egg
She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.
Being ugly every day sucks.
...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.
Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!
He said, Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.
Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day
Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day
Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will
use twice a year
Teach a man to phish, he will become a Nigerian Prince.
Cause he needs 3 squared meals a day
I'm sorry
Then you'll all be sorry
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."
He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"
"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.
"No, only one."
He starts cleaning the rifle again.
Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.
Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."
Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."
Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop
Yesterday, he brought his dog along.
It's laundry day.
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
Almost on Saturday
Almost on Sunday.!
"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.
But he was so good I didn't give a shit.
I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust and become their confidant, and when they least expect it......
BAMM!! !! !!
... I'll fuck their boyfriends
It's been hard showering every day, but thankfully I had heroin to help me through it.
"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."
She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10"
I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton
A man and. woman are chatting in an elevator. "What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."
The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator.
The next day, they meet in the elevator again.
The man asks, "So, where you off to today?"
"Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.
Teach a man to cheeseburger, I'm high as hell.
I watched my father grill burgers. When they were done, he handed me one, telling me it was a Bison burger. He then left.....never came back......I know he may not have been dedicated to his family, but he was dedicated to his jokes.
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
I repied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
I'm tired of being fat every day.
Daughter - Mommy, what was that?
Mom - (obviously didn't want her daughter to know what it was) It was just a bug honey. Don't worry about it.
*a few seconds of silence*
Daughter - Well that bug had a big dick.
It's a vicious cycle.
It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
So I shouted, "Thomeone help! I can't thwim!"
A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.
I have no idea what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
He replied,"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again."
Trump 20:16
When he enters, the woman at the front desk stops him, and says, "Sorry, we don't allow blacks in here. But there's another club 10 minutes down the road that does."
Visibly furious, Bolt exclaims, "Do you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt!"
"Oh! I'm sorry", says the woman. "Then it's only 5 minutes down the road."
"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?" Yesterday." I replied.
Turns out I hadn't turned the TV on.
It's getting less funnier each day I tell her.
She tells the attendant that she needs to have her dress cleaned.
However, the attendant wasn't paying attention. Snapping out of his day dream, he asked, "Come again?"
Giggling, the blonde replied, "No, just mustard this time."
But today is opposite day so it's all good
Round and irrational.
Happy Pi Day everyone!
I said, "Judging by the size of that horse's cock, yes."
I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."
beat the shit out of hippies.
The student replies, No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.
The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.
Girl: no why?
Guy: because there's a new issue with you every fucking day.
I'll fuck their boyfriends
She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."
For my wife and I's first wedding anniversary, we made a bet that the first one to wake up would have to surprise the other one with oral sex. Well, when the day came I was the first to wake up, so I rolled over, pulled the bed covers back, and slooooowwwwllllyyyyy shoved my dick in her mouth.
Girl: "I don't wear glasses."
Me, while polishing my lenses: "No, but I do."
She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."
God said,
"I think I'm going to call it a day."
She was way better than the other two.
At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin.
It's what he would have wanted...
when they get pulled over by a police officer.
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver
"Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;
"Alright officer, we'll do it"
I asked him the other day "how do you tell them apart?"
He said
"Well, Stacy is the blonde with a perfect ass, great tits, and a fantastic figure...
... And Brian's got a cock"
A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home it fucks all the Farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens.
Next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling overhead.
Farmer says, "You deserved it, you horny bastard! "The cock opens one eye,points up and says,"Shhhhhh. They're about to land!!"
I was walking around town the other day when I saw these two jerk-offs wearing matching outfits, I mean, down to the *belt* same outfits, so I yelled to over to them "Hey faggots did you plan that?"
Anyways, they arrested me.
The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."
Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"
The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"
Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Dave: No...
Librarian: One day that will work.
She told me to use the back door and I'd have to be quick.
In retrospect I should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that.
that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different.
My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."
So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.
I guess we don't watch the same movies.
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."
Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit.
Me: Who?
Wife: My butt cheeks.
She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous."
I said, "Well that's probably why they've received flowers then."
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.
Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home.
That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them.
"Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked.
He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."
The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it every day.
I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.
It was a sham rock.
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.
One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"So?"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded
"Come on, what day was I born?"
Yesterday." I replied.
but it's been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.
took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.
I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.
Oh shit , it's my boyfriend ! she exclaimed Quick, use the backdoor .
Now it's at about this time I probably should have left.....
......but you just don't get an offer like that every day.
Really makes my day.
Why the fuck would I want 2 empty glasses?
I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him.
Throw a man off a plane and he flies for the rest of his life.
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Day? Well, here are the best Day puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Day pick up lines to share with friends.