Day Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Don't Read If You're A Trump Supporter

A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, I want to be President one day.
Trump says, Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?

The kid replies, You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.

I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

A little girl asks her mother, Mommy, how was I born?

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we fucked without a condom.

I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.

Since she can't even beat an egg

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

I wish I could be ugly for one day.

Being ugly every day sucks.

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...

Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!

When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.

He said, Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.

Damn girl are you a newspaper?

Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day

Hey girl are you a newspaper?

Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will
use twice a year

Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day.

Teach a man to phish, he will become a Nigerian Prince.

Why did 7 eat 9?

Cause he needs 3 squared meals a day

I'm sorry

One day, Canada will become a superpower and take over the whole world

Then you'll all be sorry

I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son"

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in

"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"

"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.

"No, only one."

He starts cleaning the rifle again.

I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in the bed the other day.

Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant

Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop

This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.

Yesterday, he brought his dog along.

I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It's laundry day.

I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

My grief counsellor died the other day..

But he was so good I didn't give a shit.

One day I'll pretend to be gay...

I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust and become their confidant, and when they least expect it......

BAMM!! !! !!

... I'll fuck their boyfriends

I'm 60 days clean now.

It's been hard showering every day, but thankfully I had heroin to help me through it.

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day

She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10"

I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton

Sperm bank

A man and. woman are chatting in an elevator. "What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."

The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator.
The next day, they meet in the elevator again.
The man asks, "So, where you off to today?"
"Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.

Give a man a cheeseburger, you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to cheeseburger, I'm high as hell.

One day when I was young......

I watched my father grill burgers. When they were done, he handed me one, telling me it was a Bison burger. He then left.....never came back......I know he may not have been dedicated to his family, but he was dedicated to his jokes.

6 was afraid of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!"

I repied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

I wish I could see what it was like to be fat for just one day.

I'm tired of being fat every day.

A mother and her 5 year old daughter were driving down a highway one day when suddenly a giant dildo hits their windshield...

Daughter - Mommy, what was that?

Mom - (obviously didn't want her daughter to know what it was) It was just a bug honey. Don't worry about it.

*a few seconds of silence*

Daughter - Well that bug had a big dick.

I keep getting hit by the same bike, at the same time and place, day after day...

It's a vicious cycle.

I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.

It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.

I was thinking the other day ...

So I shouted, "Thomeone help! I can't thwim!"

Missionary in the jungle

A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:

"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"

The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:

"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."

The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer

I have no idea what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

My first day as a car salesman...

Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses.

He replied,"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again."

Trump 20:16

One day, Usain Bolt goes into a country club.

When he enters, the woman at the front desk stops him, and says, "Sorry, we don't allow blacks in here. But there's another club 10 minutes down the road that does."

Visibly furious, Bolt exclaims, "Do you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt!"

"Oh! I'm sorry", says the woman. "Then it's only 5 minutes down the road."

I told a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?" Yesterday." I replied.

There was this really bizarre porn on the other day; it was just a guy on his couch, crying and jerking off.

Turns out I hadn't turned the TV on.

On January 1st I joked to my girlfriend we haven't had sex all year.

It's getting less funnier each day I tell her.

A blonde goes to the dry cleaners.

She tells the attendant that she needs to have her dress cleaned.

However, the attendant wasn't paying attention. Snapping out of his day dream, he asked, "Come again?"

Giggling, the blonde replied, "No, just mustard this time."

My girlfriend dumped me today saying I was too childish

But today is opposite day so it's all good

I like my women like I like my mathematical constants.

Round and irrational.

Happy Pi Day everyone!

I was watching a movie with my son the other day. He got scared and asked me, "Daddy, is that woman really gonna die?"

I said, "Judging by the size of that horse's cock, yes."

My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

4/20 is my favorite day to skip work, grab a pipe, head down to the park, and

beat the shit out of hippies.

A student visits the principal's office one day and the principal says to him, What's your name, son? He replies: D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir. The principal looks up and asks him, Oh, do you have a stutter?

The student replies, No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.

4th of July,

The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.

Guy: girl are you a newspaper?

Girl: no why?
Guy: because there's a new issue with you every fucking day.

One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll fuck their boyfriends

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

Anniversary idea

For my wife and I's first wedding anniversary, we made a bet that the first one to wake up would have to surprise the other one with oral sex. Well, when the day came I was the first to wake up, so I rolled over, pulled the bed covers back, and slooooowwwwllllyyyyy shoved my dick in her mouth.

The other day I told a girl, "You look great without glasses."

Girl: "I don't wear glasses."

Me, while polishing my lenses: "No, but I do."

A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole...

She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,

"I think I'm going to call it a day."

The other day I had sex with my third cousin.

She was way better than the other two.

My friend Tommy drowned the other day...

At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin.

It's what he would have wanted...

Two priests are out driving one day..

when they get pulled over by a police officer.

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver
"Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"

The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;

"Alright officer, we'll do it"

So my mate has started dating twins!

I asked him the other day "how do you tell them apart?"

He said

"Well, Stacy is the blonde with a perfect ass, great tits, and a fantastic figure...


... And Brian's got a cock"

A farmer buys a young cock...

A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home it fucks all the Farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling overhead.
Farmer says, "You deserved it, you horny bastard! "The cock opens one eye,points up and says,"Shhhhhh. They're about to land!!"

I was walking around town the other day...

I was walking around town the other day when I saw these two jerk-offs wearing matching outfits, I mean, down to the *belt* same outfits, so I yelled to over to them "Hey faggots did you plan that?"

Anyways, they arrested me.

Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"

The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."

Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"

The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"

Librarian: Can I help you?

Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Dave: No...

Librarian: One day that will work.

I was having sex with a woman when her husband came home early.

She told me to use the back door and I'd have to be quick.

In retrospect I should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that.

If any of you are sad about being alone on valentines day, just remember...

that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different.

Make love to me like in the movies

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."

So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.

A linguistics professor is lecturing his class

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."

My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!

Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit.

Me: Who?

Wife: My butt cheeks.

My wife just called me.

She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "Well that's probably why they've received flowers then."

Give a man a plane ticket...

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.

Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

Mom got a sex change operation

After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home.

That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them.

"Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked.

He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring

The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it every day.

I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was a sham rock.

Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.

One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"

"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded
"Come on, what day was I born?"

Yesterday." I replied.

They say never go food shopping when you're hungry

but it's been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.

I met this girl the other day and she

took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.

I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.

Oh shit , it's my boyfriend ! she exclaimed Quick, use the backdoor .

Now it's at about this time I probably should have left.....
......but you just don't get an offer like that every day.

The rotation of earth

Really makes my day.

In was in a bar the other day. The barman said "I see your glass is empty. Do you want another one?"

Why the fuck would I want 2 empty glasses?

The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.

I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him.

Leave a man on a plane and he flies for a day.

Throw a man off a plane and he flies for the rest of his life.

What are the funniest day jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Day? Well, here are the best Day puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Day pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes