Day After Tomorrow Jokes

They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other.
Instead, they were giving each other written notes.
One evening he gave her a paper where it said:
"Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."
The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock.
Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:
"Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!"

One day, Bob came home from school very happy and that got his mother suspicious;

"What’s the matter Bob? How come you’re that happy?"
"You can’t even imagine-..! Today at school, I planted a bomb on the teacher’s chair and we all laughed sooo hard!"
The mother upset: "Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? Don’t you know that you’re going to be suspended? How you think you’re gonna show up in the school again tomorrow?"
And Bob, with a s**... smile on his face: "School? What school?"

Tomorrow is April Fools Day. Believe nothing, and trust no one. "So it's like any other day."

It's been raining for 3 days without stopping. My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window. If the rain doesn't stop tomorrow, I'll have to let her in.

Congratulations! Said the groom's uncle.

I'm sure you'll look back on today as the happiest day of your life.
But I'm not getting married until tomorrow. Replied the groom to be.
I know, I know. His uncle replied.

A quick one for tomorrow's tax day

**IRS Agent:** You can't deduct and umbrella!
**Taxpayer:** Why not? It's overhead, isn't it?

- Congratulations, my boy! - Says the uncle to the nephew who is getting married the next day.

- I'm sure a couple of years from now, you will remind of this day as the happiest day of your life!
- But I'm only getting married tomorrow - responds the nephew.
- Yeah - explains uncle - That is exactly what I meant!

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said

"I have a s**... problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "t**... clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an e**... either."

Always on duty

A doctor has some trouble with the sink, on a public holiday. He calls the local plumber, only to be told it's his day off.
"But I get called out on my days off, too!" says the doctor, somewhat exasperated, and the plumber relents.
The plumber arrives, and glances over the sink, looking preoccupied. He mumbles something about golf, then hands the doctor a couple of aspirin and walks out, saying,
"Put these in. If it doesn't clear up in 24 hours, come and see me tomorrow."

Best Read with a German Accent (Warning: Holocaust Joke)

One day during the war, h**... gathered his top advisers to hold a top secret meeting. He said "Ok, tomorrow ve vill kill 1,000 Jews and three hamsters". His advisors looked at one another, and one said, "But h**..., vhy ze three hamsters". h**... smiled at his advisers and replied, "You see, no one cares about ze jews!"

It appears we have reached that day once again where all the Irish people get drunk and start fights tonight and skip work tomorrow.

Monday.

So my buddy at work has a favorite joke...

Got any n**... pictures of your wife...
Well you want some?
His wife just posted a picture on Facebook tagged #normalizebreastfeeding...with a close up. Tomorrow is going to be such a great day at work.

Two p**... go fishing

These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing on a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!" The other says "well, just make sure you mark the spot!" After they get back on shore, the first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat. The other p**... says, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat tomorrow?"

A German Dad Joke

So, because St. Patrick's Day is tomorrow I asked my dad (who is German) if Germans have any day like St. Patrick's Day. His said, "Yes, it's called October."

My Dad's Advice

My Dad gives me odd advice. The other day he said to my face, LaaDeeDa, you might die tomorrow so, live every day like it's the last day of your life! You might get hit by a bus tomorrow! It's weird because he is a bus driver.

The carpenter walks up to his boss..

.. and asks for tomorrow off as his wife is going to have a baby.
The boss gives him the day off.
Two days later the boss asks the carpenter if it was a boy or a girl.
The carpenter replies "we'll see in 9 months"

Facebook..in real life...

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.
I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.
And it works.

I already have 3 persons following me: 2 police officers and a psychiatrist.

To limit my smoking...

I only smoke on days that start with 'T'... like Tuesday, Thursday, today, and tomorrow.

Need something witty to say after i pee in a cup...

Tomorrow is drug test day... Not sure this is actually the right sub for this but watevs.

A man forgets his wife's birthday...

So his wife says to him "tomorrow I better wake up and there will be something with a bow on it that go from 0-200 in the blink of any eye."
The next day the wife wakes up and in the driveway is a big box with a bow on it. Excitedly she opens the box and much to her surprise all she uncovers is a scale.

Today is the 1 year anniversary of the day i decided to get sober.

And tomorrow is the anniversary of the day I decided sobriety wasn't for me.

Dearest Wife email

*A few days after her husband's death, a grieving widow accidentally receives an e-mail from a man waiting for his wife in Miami.*
**The e-mail reads:**
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure it is hot down here.

Patrick's School

Mother: "How was school today Patrick?"
Patrick: "It was great mom! Today we made explosives!"
Mother: "Wow, they do really fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"
Patrick: "What school?"

What did you do in school today?

Mother: How was school today, Patrick?
Patrick: It was really great mom! Today we made explosives!
Mother: Ooh, they teach some very fancy stuff to kids these days! So, what will you do at school tomorrow?
Patrick: What school?

A recent study shows most Americans like to have s**... on days that begin with T

Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow

A professor was teaching a class of hyperintelligent youngsters on Game Theory

"To get an A in the test tomorrow your score will have to be as close as possible to 2/3s of the average score of the class."
Afterwards everyone signed up for the test.
The test was the next day.
No one showed up.

Cleaning Day

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies, "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

today you are one day closer to eating your next servings of nacho. unless you die tomorrow and never get to eat any nacho

then tomorrow is nacho lucky day

My grandmother always says, "live life to the fullest each and every day because tomorrow you could walk out your front door and be hit by a bus."

She's a bus driver though, so I'm not really sure what to make of this.

A day before the elections Hillary tells Bill: "You know, tomorrow there will be two presidents in one bed."

Next day Bill asks Hillary: "So.. do I wait Trump here or should I go over to his place?"

1st day in prison, was a bit scared, but the guys have said I can have a job already

Apparently I pick up bars of soap in the shower, I start tomorrow, wish me luck.

Before my buddy died I asked him if there was football in heaven.

A few days later I saw his ghost. He said
"Good news, there is. Bad news, you're playing in goal tomorrow."

Yesterday was star wars day (May The Fourth be with you). Today is Cinco de Mayo. Combine the two and tomorrow is...

Revenge of the Sixth

First day of school

One day, a mom took her son to his first day of school. When they were walking to school, he looked all excited, but when his mom came back to pick him up, he looked disappointed. Trying to cheer him up, the mother asked what he had learned today at school. "Apparently not enough," he said. "I have to come back tomorrow!"

Does anyone have a Rastafarian wig?

We have crazy hair day at work tomorrow and I'm dreading it.

Son: "I don't want to walk to school tomorrow, dad!" Dad: "When Abraham Lincoln was your age son, he had to walk 12 miles each day to get to school!" Son: "Well dad..."

"...when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was president!"

Mike joins a new school.

After school is over he returns home to his mother.
Mom: So Mike, how was your day today?
Mike: It was great! We learned about explosive materials in our lab today.
Mom: That sounds interesting, so what will you learn in school tomorrow?
Mike: What school?

13 days ago I started collecting all the blankets and pillows in my house...

Tomorrow will be a fortnight.

Mum: How was school today, Johnny?

Johnny: It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!
Mum: Ooh, they do so much fun stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?
Johnny: What school?

A man orders a coffee in a cafe.

When it arrives, he drinks and promptly spits out his first sip.
'Waiter!' he calls,'this coffee tastes like it's a day old.'
'Thank you sir,' is the reply,'it's yesterdays coffee.'
The man gives the coffee back to the waiter and says: 'thank you for your honesty. I'd really like to drink today's coffee.'
Taking the coffee, the waiter says: 'we open at 10AM tomorrow, you're welcome to drop by then!'

Tomorrow I get to celebrate my girlfriend's birthday!

And in 31 days I get to stop celebrating my girlfriend's birthday!

Mother and Daughter

Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?

Don't do the dishes mom, it's mothers day!

Leave them, you'll do them tomorrow morning before everyone wakes up.

Dr visits an Indian Tribe

A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your s**... tension?" "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have s**... with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?" "We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."

Circumcised

p**... says to m**....
I'm getting circumcised tomorrow!
m**... says
I had that done when I was a few days old
p**... asks
Does it hurt?
m**... then replies
Well I couldn't walk for about a year after

Two babies are sitting in their playpen cooing away...

Baby 1: Well, looks like I'm getting circumcised tomorrow.
Baby 2: Ouch, I had it done when I was just a few days old.
Baby 1: Well then, does it hurt mate?
Baby 2: I'll put it to you this way pal, after I had it done I couldn't walk for about a year.

A college teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam.

Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!
A smart-a**... guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly.
Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

In the United States, tomorrow is a Federal Holiday

and the government is supposed to be closed for a day.

Living in the Midwest, the temperature is going from -30 a few days ago to 60 tomorrow

s**... bi-polar vortex

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are camped in the woods while investigating a case.

They go to sleep. Several hours later, Holmes wakes Watson. He says, "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson says, "Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that tell you?"
"Well, I think it means that we'll have another nice day tomorrow. How about you?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

Harry was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage.

He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him.
Congratulations Harry, his boss said. I just wanted to tell you I've been married for 22 years, and I'm sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life.
But, I'm not getting married until tomorrow, Harry said.
Yeah I know, his boss said.

Tomorrow is downs syndrome Awareness Day

You're supposed to wear crazy socks.
I'm just going to wear extra jeans.

I've decided to stop m**... as a test of willpower for the next 30 days.

Starting tomorrow.

How many seconds in a year joke

a person died and reached the gates of heaven. An angel was guarding the gates. The Angel said "to enter the heaven, you need to answer 3 questions". The person agreed.
A : name 2 days of a week, that starts with letter T.
P : Today and tomorrow
A: ok, I can accept that. How many seconds are there in a year?
P: 12 seconds
A: (shocked) how come?
P: Jan 2nd, Feb 2nd, March 2nd ...
A: you can go in

Sean Connery had fallen on hard times. His work had completely dried up.

Then one day out of the blue his agent rang and said "Sean, I've got a job for you. It starts tomorrow, you've got to get there early, for 10'ish." Sean frowned "For 10'ish? But I havent even got a racket!"

A man is with his friend at the beach.

His friend notices that the ladies can't stop staring in awe at the man, so afterwards, he asks about it.
Friend: What's your secret?
Man: I put a potato in my trunks. You should try it when we go tomorrow.
The next day, they go to the beach again, and the friend puts a potato in his trunks like the man said to. But the women run away screaming. The man notices this, looks at his friends trunks, and says: No you idiot! The potato goes in the front!

A college professor reminds her class of the next day's final exam saying, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?"
The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

I've given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.

Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I've eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.
And it works. I already have three people following me… two police officers and a psychiatrist.

A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your s**... tension?

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first."
The doctor not knowing what to do stands cluelessly until a tribesman explains to him: " Use the donkey".
The doctor: " what?"
"Yes use it, mount it"
The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have s**... with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."

Dad: Son, congratulations. Im sure you will remeber today as the happiest day of your life.

Son: Thanks dad! But wedding is tomorrow.
Dad: I know.

Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day

The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.
"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"
"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he says handing over the key. "I appreciate its quite late so we'll have a bit of a later start tomorrow. Are you happy to meet us in the lobby for ten-ish?"
"Tennish?" asks Sean, "but I didn't even bring my racket!"
... An old joke in honor of the great man.