dawn Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious dawn puns

The Sun God Heloios was hungover today. Unable to lift his radiant body out of bed he just stuck his blazing bare bum over the horizon...

... it was the crack of dawn.

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A rabbi, a Catholic priest, and a Protestant minister are talking in a bar.

They bet each other that they can convert a bear to their religion. At dawn the next day, they meet at the edge of the forest and wish each other luck before setting out. At the end of the day, they meet each other again on three separate stretchers. The priest is all beat up. He has a broken arm and a black eye. "The bear put up a good fight", he says, "but he's coming to church on Sunday to get baptised". The minister is in worse shape than the priest. He has two black eyes, a broken arm, and a broken leg. "It was tough," he says, "but I got the bear to join the church choir, singing baritone." The rabbi is in the worst shape of the three of them. He has two black eyes and all his arms and legs are broken. "In hindsight," he says, "I guess I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."

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I woke up to the crack of Dawn the other day...

I said "Dawn! Get off my face!"

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A man goes to a bar

A man goes to a bar. He just had a fight with his wife and he want to drown his worries in whisky.

As he drinks, his worries fade away. Soon enough, he is piss-drunk and then he realizes: "Holy shit, my wife is going to kill me! It's almost the middle of the dawn and I'm here, shitfaced and far from home"

So he get up to leave, only to fall face-first on the floor immediately. He can't even walk. "fcknn damnit", the man wisely slurs to himself. He ends up dragging himself with his bare fucking hands all the way home. He doesn't want to wake up his wife, so he just let himself drift away in the couch when he finally arrives.

The next morning, when they wake up, his wife is pissed. He is pissed too, but in a less metaphorical way.

"You spent the night in the bar, didn't you, you little shit" the wife throws at him.

"No, I didn't! I swear!"

"Don't lie to me, dammit! The barman called, you forgot your wheelchair there!"

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Sex contest (mildly NSFW)

An Englishman and a Spaniard are in a bar in Amsterdam at midnight when they start bragging to each other about their sexual escapades. After several minutes of back and forth, the Englisman challenges the Spaniard to a contest.

"We'll go to the nearest brothel and see how many times we can shag a girl between now and dawn. Winner gets 100 euros."

So they go down to a brothel and each of them gets a girl and a room. The Englishman screws his girl, makes a tally mark on the headboard, then dozes off. He wakes up a bit later, screws her again, makes another tally mark, and dozes off again. An hour later he wakes up, pounds the girl a third time, and passes out, dead to the world.

At dawn the Englisman is awoken by the Spaniard bursting into the room. He sees at the headboard and says, "One hundred and eleven? Damn it, you beat me by three!"

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Bill's been looking forward to this hunting trip for months.

He shakes his wife awake at the asscrack of dawn and says, "C'mon woman, less'go! We gotta get them guns packed into the Chevy," and she says, "No, honey, I don't feel good, you go on without me," and he says, "You summ'bitch, do you know how long I've been plannin' this goddamn couples huntin' trip!? If you wanna stay home and sleep in all day, then you can pick one'a two options! One: I gets'ta to fuck you in the corncutter, two: I gets'ta fuck you in the mouth," and she sighs and says, "Well, I'm *not* going on this hunting trip, and I'm *not* going to let you fuck me in the ass, so I guess I'll give you a blowjob," and he says, "Well alrighty then, I'mma go get the dogs ready, you sit here 'n warm up yer jaw."

So he goes, gets the dogs ready, comes back into the bedroom and asks if she's ready to "chug on the pud" and she says, "Whatever, fine, just pull it out," and he does, but before she goes full-throttle she gives the peehole a little taster-lick and goes--

"**BLECH**, oh my God, why does your dick taste like shit!?" And he says, "The dogs didn't wanna go huntin' neither."

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To settle their differences, Jesus and Muhammed agree to pistols at dawn, Jesus wins...

...because drawing Muhammed is forbidden.

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My army buddy was jerking off one night.

He was discharged by dawn.

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A joke for Europe

A Greek, an Italian, and a Spaniard go into a bar and have an awesome time, ordering drinks till dawn. So who pays the tab?

A German.

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I went on a tour of a soap factory last week.

I forgot which one it was, but I'm sure it will Dawn on me.

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I'm a really slow reader. Today, I only got through six pages of my dictionary.

From dawn to dusk.

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What did the muslim man say as he was driving recklessly and passing other cars at dawn?

"Sorry, gotta go fast"

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Paddy is a poor Irish farmer...

He spends all day from dawn till dusk working his little farm to provide for his sick wife and 12 daughters.

Every night he kneels by the side of his bed and prays. 'Dear Lord, I'm a good catholic just trying to do right, please oh Lord could I win the lottery?'

For years and years Paddy struggles on, ekeing a meagre existence from his tiny farm, attending church every sunday, nursing his sick wife and teaching his 12 daughters how to live moral lives.

And every night still, he kneels by the side of his bed and begs the lord to please let him win the lottery.

One night, he is kneeling and praying like usual, when suddenly the sky bursts into golden light, a glorious chorus of angels sing and winged cherubs strum harps as the lord himself appears to Paddy.

'PADDY,' Gods deep voice booms.

With tears streaming down his face and his arms stretched towards the sky, Paddy shouts 'YES MY LORD!'

'BUY A TICKET.'

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A Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, and a Frenchman are captured by the Germans during the First World War

The German general informs them that they'll be shot at dawn, but since he's in a good mood he has also decided to grant each of them one last request.

"I cannae die without hearing the mournful sound of the bagpipes one more time" says the Scotsman.

"I'll be glad to dance one last time to the sound of an Irish fiddle!" says the Irishman.

"You bloody Germans. All I ask for is to hear God Save the King once more before my life ends." says the Englishman.

"I want to be shot first" says the Frenchman.

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I'm so horny...

..even the crack of dawn looks good.

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Village Atheist

In a small village in the middle of the countryside, there is only one atheist. He sells insurance for a living. But, he grows old and one day gets really sick. On his death bed, he calls for the village priest, who is obviously a very devout catholic.

They talk for an entire day, and during the whole night too. The priest tries very hard to convert the atheist. Nobody is allowed in the room. At dawn, the priest stumbles out sleep-deprived and bleak faced.

The atheist died still an atheist, but the priest is fully insured.

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Why do the citizens of Athens hate waking up early?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece!

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Dwarfs and Sexual Harassment

Dawn, a tall attractive office assistant complains to human relations in her firm that every time she goes to the photocopier a nearby worker named Philbert comes up close to her and says "Mmm, your hair smells nice." Hermagrude, the kind , wise human relations officer says placatingly, "Well Dawn, many women would treat that as a compliment, perhaps you could see it that way?" Dawn replies, "well normally I might but Philbert is a dwarf."

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Scientists have invented a new device called the hyperbole chamber.

It is the greatest and best thing ever since the dawn of civilization.

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The Sun God Helios, feeling lazy, stuck his bare glowing buttocks over the horizon...

... it was the crack of dawn.

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Bob dies and wakes up to find himself in Hell.

A man is waiting there to greet him. "Hello, Bob!" the man says "Welcome to Hell. Since Hell generally gets a lot of bad press, I have been sent here to point out all the good things about Hell"

Bob seems dubious, but listens as the man says "So, Bob, do you like Italian food?"

"I sure do!" replied Bob

"Well that's awesome because every Monday from dawn till dusk, you can have any kind of Italian food your heart desires."

Bob looks shocked, but the man continues "Do you play golf, Bob?"

"I do," says Bob, "but I'm not very good."

"Oh, you *will* be," says the PR guy "because every Tuesday, we play golf all day and then go to the club house for drinks."

Bob is starting to get excited about this, and the PR guy continues "So, Bob, do you like getting fucked up the ass?"

With a disgusted look on his face, Bob says "No. No I don't."

The PR guy screws up his face and says "Ahhhh...you're not going to like Wednesdays so much."

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My wife uses an entire bottle of dish soap when she washes the dishes every night.

Another day, another Dawn

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Had a stupidly long receptionist shift today.

I worked from desk till dawn.

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I woke up at the crack of dawn...

So I told her to get off my head and let me get some sleep.

Cant beat the classics.

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Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.

Tracy said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does." Cathy giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft." Dawn quietly sipped her whiskey until Tracy asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?" Dawn frowned and said, "The postman." "Why the postman?" asked Cathy. "Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

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What time of day stinks?

The crack of dawn

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Two old men were sitting together when one of them pointed out a suppository sticking out of the other's ear.

The other didn't respond immediately, but after a few moments, realisation seemed to dawn on him. "Oh, thanks!" he said "*Now* I know where I put my hearing aid!"

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I started making love at the crack of Dawn

And I finished on her face

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What's a Greek's favorite color of sky?

Golden Dawn

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I'm so horny the crack of dawn better be careful around me

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What's a Walruses favourite movie?

From Tusk till dawn.

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If Joel Shumacher directed the new Batman V Superman movie, what would it be called

Dawn of Just Tits.

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I'm such a perv that...

... even the crack of dawn isn't safe.

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When does an ass get up?

At the crack of dawn

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Donald Trump is cancelling the Dawn Of Justice movie

He's doing it since one of the main characters, Superman, is an illegal alien.

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What are the most funny Dawn jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Dawn? Well, here are the best Dawn dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Dawn pick up lines to share with friends.

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