The Best 63 David Jokes
Following is our collection of funny David jokes. There are some david elijah jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these david davey puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest David Jokes and Puns
Why do they have fences around cemeteries?
Because everyone is dying to get in.
In memory of my Uncle David RIP. He would always tell this joke
Did you hear that David Copperfield has aids now?
Yea, he was doing Magic.
Why couldn't Henry David Thoreau leave his house?
He was Walden.
In an English class...
Teacher: David, give me a sentence starting with "I."
David: I is...
Teacher: No, David. You must always say "I am."
David: Oh right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
How did David Copperfield get HIV?
From doing Magic.
It was career day in Elm Park Elementary School...
and each student had to write about their dad's profession. Ruby wrote about her dad being a doctor and David wrote about his dad being a construction work.
When the teacher asked Johnny he said, "My dad is a pimp and a drug fiend."
"What?!?! Johnny, be honest. I know that's not what your dad does!"
"You're really gonna make me to tell the entire class that my dad is a banker?!"
Three guys are talking about their families (likely a re-post)
Three men - Bob, Joe, and David - are bragging about their families. Bob and Joe are Catholic, and David is Mormon.
Joe says "I've got four athletic daughters. One more and I'll have a championship basketball team."
Bob responds "I've got eight athletic sons. One more and I'll have an all-Anerican baseball team."
David answers "I've got five beautiful wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."
David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'...
David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'.
We're leaving that country in a state of poverty and despair, where half the population can't read and daily life is blighted by the ever-present threat of needless violence.
Yes, we've brought the British way of life to them all right.
Scotland's Independence
David Cameron has said Scotland could become a third world country if they become independent.
I'm not sure if things will improve to that degree, but you never know
My name is David and I had my ID stolen the other day.
Now they just call me Dav.
!!BAD DRIVERS!!
There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, "**David, be careful!** I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!"
David says, "I know, but there isn't just one, **there are hundreds!**"
You can explore david matthew reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean david daniel dad jokes. There are also david puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
the most famous person in the history of the world
The teacher addressed his class,"I'll give five dollars to anybody who can name the most famous person in the history of the world."
An Irish boy raised his hand and said,"St. Patrick."
"Sorry Seamus, that's not correct."
Then a French boy raised his hand and said,"Napoleon."
The teacher replied,"I'm sorry, Jean, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and answered,"Jesus Christ."
"That's right, David! You win the five dollars. Congratulations!" As the teacher was handing over the cash he said,"You know David, I'm surprised you said Jesus Christ."
"Yeah, in my heart I knew it was Moses. But business is business."
I heard a statistic that there are more men named David in charge of companies than there are women.
Well obviously. How many women do you know named David?
David Hasselhoff calls his Agent and demands, "I want everyone to call me The Hoff from now on."
His Agent says, "Sure. No hassle."
David Cameron
Went to his local butcher. He asked the butcher for a steak. The butcher asked "what is your favourite cut?", David replied, "the public sector".
"Hello, is this anonymous NSA hotline?"
"Yes, David, how can we help you?"
[NSFW]- What is David Bowie's zodiac sign?
Cancer.
What did Alan Rickman say when he stood over David Bowie's grave?
Do you mind if I Slytherin?
David was hard at work...
it was really quite awkward for his coworkers.
I bought an official Craig David fridge recently, and it's useless!
It only chills on Sundays!
My friend David lost his ID the other day
Now we just call him dav
What do David Beckham and Ferrero Rocher chocolates have in common?
They both come in a posh box
Two Jews walking down the street
Two Jews are taking an afternoon stroll. As they pass St. Joseph's Cathedral they notice a sign posted on the front door.
**CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM
GET $50!**
"$50!!," exclaims David. "What a great deal, we can just convert back after!"
"Hold your horses," says Aaron. "It could be a scam, tell you what, I will go and do it, we'll see if this deal is real."
Aaron goes into the cathedral and David waits outside.
Finally, after an hour passes, Aaron comes out of the cathedral.
"So? Was it a scam? Did you get the $50??," asks David.
Aaron replies, "Is it always about the money with you people?"
The David Cameron diet:
You'll never lose your pounds quicker.
David had his ID stolen yesterday...
So we call him Dav now.
My brother David had his ID stolen
Now he's just Dav
My mate David was a victim of ID theft
Now we just call him Dav
Two Irish men were talking one morning..
"You were so drunk yesterday!", said Callum.
"Why, What did I do?", said David.
"You took a taxi home!"
"So what, it means i don't wan't to get caught for drunk drivin'!"
"The party was at your OWN HOUSE!"
Well I've heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord.
Gsus
My buddy, David, had his ID stolen while on a business trip in Prague...
...now we just have to call him Dav.
David calls up his brother Mike to schedule their annual family trip.
He tells him they're leaving Saturday to go to Detroit. Mike asks, "wait a minute, why Detroit?"
David answers, "Well, you know that thing old ladies do, where they set up a map on a dart board, and wherever it lands is where they go?"
Mike couldn't resist a chuckle, and says back to him "Yeah, i know that one."
"Well, I missed and hit the trash can."
I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...
Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.
I told my brother in law, David, to name his son Harley
that way I can introduce him as Harley, David's son.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to 'The Hoff'?
He couldn't be bothered with the hassle
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dav.
Chris Cornell dies and goes to heaven…
St. Peter: It is probably a bit disorienting, but there are a lot of people here you will want to meet.
Chris: Like who?
St. Peter: Well, right over there are Janis, Jimi, Kurt, Prince, and David Bowie for starters.
Chris: Oh no, is that Bono over there with them? I didn't know that Bono was dead.
St. Peter: No, no, that's not Bono, that's god, he just thinks he's Bono.
David was a victim of ID theft
He's now known as Dav.
"It's a boy", David shouted, "It's a BOY!" With tears rolling down his eyes, David came running out of the room.
And never visited Bangkok again.
Our mate David had his ID stolen
We've started calling him Dav
I ground up my ctrl key and gift wrapped it. The card reads:
This is ground ctrl.
TO: Major Tom
(Merry Christmas David Bowie!)
What does David Bowie do after the gym?
Ch ch ch ch changes
The Jewish Boy and the Muslim Boy
David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation.
Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow.
David: Oh? What are they going to do?
Ali: Circumcise me!
David: I had that done when I was just a few days old.
Ali: Did it hurt?
David: I couldn't walk for a year!
A woman goes to the fortune teller.
A woman goes to the fortune teller, who tells her, "Two men want to marry me. Who will be the lucky one?" The fortune teller answers, "You will marry Robert, David will be the lucky one."
What is both flaccid and rock hard at the same time?
Michelangelo's David
David Hasselhoff told his agent that he wants to be known as Hoff from now on.
Agent: Sure David. No hassle.
My buddy David lost his ID
Now we just call him Dav
David Walliams NTA joke with Caroline Flack
Thank you Joel and so nice to see Caroline Flack back on TV as well.
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar
and ordered a drink.
Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff, said the bartender.
Just call me Hoff, the actor replied.
Sure, the bartender said, no hassle.
My friend David lost his ID.
Now he's just Dav.
There was a doctor and a patient in a hospital.
Doctor: Relax David, it's just a small surgery. Don't panic.
Patient: But Doctor, my name is not David.
Doctor: I know... that's my name.
My friend David had his ID stolen the other day
Now we just call him Dav
Two homeless guys were sitting with a sign pointing to one of the guys that reads, "I bet you $2 you can't hit John with a quarter".
A man flicked a quarter at him, and hit him. When the man asked for his $2 for hitting him the homeless guy replied, "you didn't hit john. This here is David".
David Hasselhoff walks into a bar and orders a drink.
It's a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff, says the bartender.
Just call me Hoff, he replied.
Sure, said the bartender, No hassle.
A doctor is just about to perform surgery
So, a doctor is just about to perform surgery.
Doctor: Relax, David. It's just a small surgery. Don't panic.
Patient: My name is not David.
Doctor: I know. I am David.
In his AMA, David Tennant of Dr. Who revealed who his nemesis was.
Goliath Lanndlord.
David Hasselhoff walks into a bar..
It's a pleasure to serve you, Mr. Hasselhoff , said the bartender.
Just call me Hoff, if it's not too much trouble , he replied.
Sure , said the bartender, no hassle .
A couple getting married are standing at the altar saying their vows...
"Do you, Linda, take David the optometrist for better or worse. Better.... Or worse? Better.... Or worse?"
David killed a man by accident...
Yet, they still sentenced him to death. when asked what was his last wish was, he asked for a banana. the jail man said sorry, its not banana season yet . I'll wait said David.
Went into the barbers, I said I want you to cut my hair like David Beckhams .
He cut my hair and I looked in the mirror!
David Beckham doesn't have his hair cut like that!!??
Barber says; He does if he comes in here!!!
What does a dog and a whale have in common?
They both start with the letter d if the whales name is david
Who was the greatest babysitter in the bible?
David. He rocked Goliath to sleep!
Knock knock
Who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor who?
(In david tennents accent) Actually just "the doctor" is fine.
What was the secret chord that David played to please the Lord?
G sus.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the david joshua jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working david david beckham piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.