David Jokes

Following is our collection of matthew puns and elijah one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including David jokes for adults, dirty daniel jokes and clean davey dad gags for kids.

The Best David Puns

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar

and ordered a drink.

Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff, said the bartender.

Just call me Hoff, the actor replied.

Sure, the bartender said, no hassle.

"It's a boy", David shouted, "It's a BOY!" With tears rolling down his eyes, David came running out of the room.

And never visited Bangkok again.

David Hasselhoff calls his Agent and demands, "I want everyone to call me The Hoff from now on."

His Agent says, "Sure. No hassle."

"Hello, is this anonymous NSA hotline?"

"Yes, David, how can we help you?"

My mate David was a victim of ID theft

Now we just call him Dav


I heard a statistic that there are more men named David in charge of companies than there are women.

Well obviously. How many women do you know named David?

My name is David and I had my ID stolen the other day.

Now they just call me Dav.

David Hasselhoff told his agent that he wants to be known as Hoff from now on.

Agent: Sure David. No hassle.

I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...

Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.

My friend David lost his ID the other day

Now we just call him dav

My friend David had his ID stolen.

Now he's just Dav.


David was hard at work...

it was really quite awkward for his coworkers.

The David Cameron diet:

You'll never lose your pounds quicker.

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar..

It's a pleasure to serve you, Mr. Hasselhoff , said the bartender.

Just call me Hoff, if it's not too much trouble , he replied.

Sure , said the bartender, no hassle .

Scotland's Independence

David Cameron has said Scotland could become a third world country if they become independent.
I'm not sure if things will improve to that degree, but you never know

Three guys are talking about their families (likely a re-post)

Three men - Bob, Joe, and David - are bragging about their families. Bob and Joe are Catholic, and David is Mormon.

Joe says "I've got four athletic daughters. One more and I'll have a championship basketball team."

Bob responds "I've got eight athletic sons. One more and I'll have an all-Anerican baseball team."

David answers "I've got five beautiful wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

My friend David lost his ID.

Now he's just Dav.

In an English class...

Teacher: David, give me a sentence starting with "I."
David: I is...
Teacher: No, David. You must always say "I am."
David: Oh right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Why do they have fences around cemeteries?

Because everyone is dying to get in.


In memory of my Uncle David RIP. He would always tell this joke


Our mate David had his ID stolen

We've started calling him Dav

David was a victim of ID theft

He's now known as Dav.

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar and orders a drink.

It's a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff, says the bartender.

Just call me Hoff, he replied.

Sure, said the bartender, No hassle.

Well I've heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord.

Gsus

My buddy David lost his ID

Now we just call him Dav

My brother David had his ID stolen

Now he's just Dav

David Cameron

Went to his local butcher. He asked the butcher for a steak. The butcher asked "what is your favourite cut?", David replied, "the public sector".

Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to 'The Hoff'?

He couldn't be bothered with the hassle

My friend David had his ID stolen the other day

Now we just call him Dav

There was a doctor and a patient in a hospital.

Doctor: Relax David, it's just a small surgery. Don't panic.

Patient: But Doctor, my name is not David.

Doctor: I know... that's my name.

David had his ID stolen yesterday...

So we call him Dav now.

Two Jews walking down the street

Two Jews are taking an afternoon stroll. As they pass St. Joseph's Cathedral they notice a sign posted on the front door.

**CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM
GET $50!**

"$50!!," exclaims David. "What a great deal, we can just convert back after!"

"Hold your horses," says Aaron. "It could be a scam, tell you what, I will go and do it, we'll see if this deal is real."

Aaron goes into the cathedral and David waits outside.

Finally, after an hour passes, Aaron comes out of the cathedral.

"So? Was it a scam? Did you get the $50??," asks David.

Aaron replies, "Is it always about the money with you people?"

I ground up my ctrl key and gift wrapped it. The card reads:

This is ground ctrl.
TO: Major Tom


(Merry Christmas David Bowie!)

the most famous person in the history of the world

The teacher addressed his class,"I'll give five dollars to anybody who can name the most famous person in the history of the world."
An Irish boy raised his hand and said,"St. Patrick."
"Sorry Seamus, that's not correct."
Then a French boy raised his hand and said,"Napoleon."
The teacher replied,"I'm sorry, Jean, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and answered,"Jesus Christ."
"That's right, David! You win the five dollars. Congratulations!" As the teacher was handing over the cash he said,"You know David, I'm surprised you said Jesus Christ."
"Yeah, in my heart I knew it was Moses. But business is business."

Two homeless guys were sitting with a sign pointing to one of the guys that reads, "I bet you $2 you can't hit John with a quarter".

A man flicked a quarter at him, and hit him. When the man asked for his $2 for hitting him the homeless guy replied, "you didn't hit john. This here is David".

David calls up his brother Mike to schedule their annual family trip.

He tells him they're leaving Saturday to go to Detroit. Mike asks, "wait a minute, why Detroit?"

David answers, "Well, you know that thing old ladies do, where they set up a map on a dart board, and wherever it lands is where they go?"

Mike couldn't resist a chuckle, and says back to him "Yeah, i know that one."

"Well, I missed and hit the trash can."

In his AMA, David Tennant of Dr. Who revealed who his nemesis was.

Goliath Lanndlord.

!!BAD DRIVERS!!

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, "**David, be careful!** I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!"

David says, "I know, but there isn't just one, **there are hundreds!**"

Two Irish men were talking one morning..

"You were so drunk yesterday!", said Callum.

"Why, What did I do?", said David.

"You took a taxi home!"

"So what, it means i don't wan't to get caught for drunk drivin'!"

"The party was at your OWN HOUSE!"

My buddy, David, had his ID stolen while on a business trip in Prague...

...now we just have to call him Dav.

David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'...

David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'.

We're leaving that country in a state of poverty and despair, where half the population can't read and daily life is blighted by the ever-present threat of needless violence.

Yes, we've brought the British way of life to them all right.

A woman goes to the fortune teller.

A woman goes to the fortune teller, who tells her, "Two men want to marry me. Who will be the lucky one?" The fortune teller answers, "You will marry Robert, David will be the lucky one."

A couple getting married are standing at the altar saying their vows...

"Do you, Linda, take David the optometrist for better or worse. Better.... Or worse? Better.... Or worse?"

Why couldn't Henry David Thoreau leave his house?

He was Walden.

The Jewish Boy and the Muslim Boy

David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation.

Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow.

David: Oh? What are they going to do?

Ali: Circumcise me!

David: I had that done when I was just a few days old.

Ali: Did it hurt?

David: I couldn't walk for a year!

Chris Cornell dies and goes to heaven…

St. Peter: It is probably a bit disorienting, but there are a lot of people here you will want to meet.

Chris: Like who?

St. Peter: Well, right over there are Janis, Jimi, Kurt, Prince, and David Bowie for starters.

Chris: Oh no, is that Bono over there with them? I didn't know that Bono was dead.

St. Peter: No, no, that's not Bono, that's god, he just thinks he's Bono.

Did you hear that David Copperfield has aids now?

Yea, he was doing Magic.

David Walliams NTA joke with Caroline Flack

Thank you Joel and so nice to see Caroline Flack back on TV as well.

It was career day in Elm Park Elementary School...

and each student had to write about their dad's profession. Ruby wrote about her dad being a doctor and David wrote about his dad being a construction work.

When the teacher asked Johnny he said, "My dad is a pimp and a drug fiend."

"What?!?! Johnny, be honest. I know that's not what your dad does!"

"You're really gonna make me to tell the entire class that my dad is a banker?!"

What is both flaccid and rock hard at the same time?

Michelangelo's David

I bought an official Craig David fridge recently, and it's useless!

It only chills on Sundays!

A doctor is just about to perform surgery

So, a doctor is just about to perform surgery.

Doctor: Relax, David. It's just a small surgery. Don't panic.

Patient: My name is not David.

Doctor: I know. I am David.

[NSFW]- What is David Bowie's zodiac sign?

Cancer.

What does David Bowie do after the gym?

Ch ch ch ch changes

I told my brother in law, David, to name his son Harley

that way I can introduce him as Harley, David's son.

What did Alan Rickman say when he stood over David Bowie's grave?

Do you mind if I Slytherin?

What do David Beckham and Ferrero Rocher chocolates have in common?

They both come in a posh box

How did David Copperfield get HIV?

From doing Magic.

There is an abundance of joshua jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 57 funniest jokes and david puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any david beckham witze you can hear about david.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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