David Jokes
138 david jokes and hilarious david puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about david that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest David Short Jokes
Short david jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The david humour may include short david cameron jokes also.
- "It's a boy", David shouted, "It's a BOY!" With tears rolling down his eyes, David came running out of the room. And never visited Bangkok again.
- David Hasselhoff calls his Agent and demands, "I want everyone to call me The Hoff from now on." His Agent says, "Sure. No hassle."
- I heard a statistic that there are more men named David in charge of companies than there are women. Well obviously. How many women do you know named David?
- David Hasselhoff told his agent that he wants to be known as Hoff from now on. Agent: Sure David. No hassle.
- I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year... Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.
- Scotland's Independence David Cameron has said Scotland could become a third world country if they become independent.
I'm not sure if things will improve to that degree, but you never know - Why do they have fences around cemeteries? Because everyone is dying to get in.
In memory of my Uncle David RIP. He would always tell this joke - Did you hear David Copperfield has stopped doing the old trapdoor disappearing trick? It was just a stage he was going through.
- David Cameron Went to his local butcher. He asked the butcher for a steak. The butcher asked "what is your favourite cut?", David replied, "the public sector".
- Why did david hasselhoff change his name to 'The Hoff'? He couldn't be bothered with the hassle
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David One Liners
Which david one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with david? I can suggest the ones about david hasselhoff and david bowie.
- "Hello, is this anonymous NSA hotline?" "Yes, David, how can we help you?"
- My mate David was a victim of ID theft Now we just call him Dav
- David was hard at work... it was really quite awkward for his coworkers.
- The David Cameron diet: You'll never lose your pounds quicker.
- Well I've heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord. Gsus
- In his AMA, David Tennant of Dr. Who revealed who his nemesis was. Goliath Lanndlord.
- Why couldn't Henry David Thoreau leave his house? He was Walden.
- What does David Bowie do after the gym? Ch ch ch ch changes
- Who was the greatest babysitter in the bible? David. He rocked Goliath to sleep!
- Why was David Bowie good at test taking? Because he could write Under Pressure!
- What does David Bowie call his OpenDocument files? space.odt
- David Tennant only has one fear. David Tennanteater
- What do you call a perverted magician? David Copafeel
- David Copperfield is the best magician ever. He's disappeared since the 90s.
- What did David Harbour's kids say when he asked who won the race? It was a tie, dad.
David Bowie Jokes
Here is a list of funny david bowie jokes and even better david bowie puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I ground up my ctrl key and gift wrapped it. The card reads: This is ground ctrl.
TO: Major Tom
(Merry Christmas David Bowie!) - What did Alan Rickman say when he stood over David Bowie's grave? Do you mind if I Slytherin?
- What does David Bowie do after he gets out of the swimming pool? He ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes. (Sorry if repost)
- Do you think David Bowie just had one set of clothes when he performed? Or do you think he had several different ch-ch-ch-changes?
- What is the difference between David Bowie and feminists? David Bowie has made Ch-Ch-Changes
- What did David Bowie want for Christmas? Carrie Fisher.
- What is David Bowie's favourite energy drink? Redbull Redbull
- What do you get when you mix Stanley Kubrik and David Bowie? 2001: A space oddity.
- I once saw David Bowie put twenty dollars worth of gas in his car for a trip to the bar with his wife... ...It was enough to drive Iman to drink!
- David Bowie and Freddie Mercury were on a road trip When one of their tyres blew out.
Turns out it was under pressured.
David Cameron Jokes
Here is a list of funny david cameron jokes and even better david cameron puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- David Cameron sends Alex Salmond a text following the Scottish vote... David: "Hi mate just checking in, u k?"
- David Cameron didn't do much as the Prime Minister of the UK But Theresa May.
- Where does David Cameron keep his hidden money? In the Piggy bank
- David Cameron: Tax evasion is morally wrong, I leaned that from my father. The tax evasion bit, not the morally wrong bit.
- What's David Cameron's favourite Shakespeare play? Hamlet.
- David Cameron: I can't live... without EU
- Where do David Cameron and his party meet? In the Conservatory!
- Why did the UK have to get a new Prime Minister after Brexit? Because David Cameron wouldn't do it, but Theresa May.
- What is David Cameron's favourite food? Pulled pork
- David Cameron has said that Britain is prepared for a nuclear attack from North Korea. Dave mate, normally we aren't prepared for snow at winter.
David Hasselhoff Jokes
Here is a list of funny david hasselhoff jokes and even better david hasselhoff puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I just heard that David Hasselhoff sold part of his name for $10 million. I just hope it was worth the Hassel
- David Hasselhoff just changed his name to "David Hoff" If anything, it's less of a hassel.
- "Mister Gorbatschow, tear down this wall!" -David Hasselhoff
- Why did David Hasselhoff change his name? It was just too much of a Hassel.
Cringes all around!
David Blaine Jokes
Here is a list of funny david blaine jokes and even better david blaine puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I walked up to a group of girls. I said, "Would you like to see a magic trick?"
"Yes," they smiled eagerly.
Then I handed them a david blaine DVD and walked off. - David Blaine announced he is not interested in being a magician anymore. He said that it has lost its magic.
- What's David Blaine's favorite accessory? His watch.... watch.... watch....
('lil magish humor) - David Blaine's voice puts his face to sleep.
- What's the difference between David Blaine and the NRA? The former has a cunning array of stunts
Gather Around for Heartwarming David Jokes and Uplifting Humor
What funny jokes about david you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lynch jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make david pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear that David Copperfield has aids now?
Yea, he was doing Magic.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
David Cameron.
What do you call David Cameron when he enters the houses of parliament? An inside joke.
What do you call David Cameron when he's late for the bus? A running joke.
What do you call David Cameron's leadership skills? A bad joke.
Nihilistic Kindergartners
David Bloom gained notoriety for his book Piscus Terminus: How to tell your five year old you flushed his fish down the toilet. Noted for its brute realism, the book's message led many kindergartners to spiral into a nihilistic despair, which contributed to the phenomenon of so called Kierkegaardeners , whose existential search for subjective truth in an otherwise meaningless world made birthday parties kind of a downer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It was career day in Elm Park Elementary School...
and each student had to write about their dad's profession. Ruby wrote about her dad being a doctor and David wrote about his dad being a construction work.
When the teacher asked Johnny he said, "My dad is a p**... and a drug fiend."
"What?!?! Johnny, be honest. I know that's not what your dad does!"
"You're really gonna make me to tell the entire class that my dad is a banker?!"
Golfing on the sabbath
One day, a man named David decides to skip church to play golf. Up in heaven, Saint Peter sees this and reports David's sin to God. God says, "I will punish him accordingly." David plays a perfect game and goes home really pleased. Saint Peter sees this and goes to God and says, "What gives? You said you would punish him, yet he gets a perfect score." God smiles and says, "Who can he tell?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three guys are talking about their families (likely a re-post)
Three men - Bob, Joe, and David - are bragging about their families. Bob and Joe are Catholic, and David is m**....
Joe says "I've got four athletic daughters. One more and I'll have a championship basketball team."
Bob responds "I've got eight athletic sons. One more and I'll have an all-Anerican baseball team."
David answers "I've got five beautiful wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."
David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'...
David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'.
We're leaving that country in a state of poverty and despair, where half the population can't read and daily life is blighted by the ever-present threat of needless violence.
Yes, we've brought the British way of life to them all right.
Bit of a different post here - an author introduces a joke but never reveals the punchline...anyone heard this joke? Or make up your own punchline?
In *Infinite Jest* by David Foster Wallace, at one point there's a line -
"...asking Mario if he knows what you call three Canadians copulating on a snowmobile."
But he doesn't say the punchline. I'm assuming maybe this is a commonish kinda joke? I've tried to think of what the punchline is but can't.
Shrove Tuesday
"Dad why is my brother called George?"
"Cos he was born on St George's day"
"Dad why is my brother called David?"
"Cos he was born on St David's day"
"Dad.."
"Oh for crying out loud, enough with the questions, Pancake."
Is it too soon for a Robin Williams Joke?
It's been a few weeks, so I think the waters are safe for this joke I told my cousin:
David Carradine and Robin Williams are in heaven, Carradine looks at Williams and says, "what do you mean you weren't jerking off?"
A woman I met had 13 children all named David.
When I asked her how she calls just one of them, she said, "Oh that's easy; I just call them by their last names."
the most famous person in the history of the world
The teacher addressed his class,"I'll give five dollars to anybody who can name the most famous person in the history of the world."
An Irish boy raised his hand and said,"St. Patrick."
"Sorry Seamus, that's not correct."
Then a French boy raised his hand and said,"Napoleon."
The teacher replied,"I'm sorry, Jean, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and answered,"Jesus Christ."
"That's right, David! You win the five dollars. Congratulations!" As the teacher was handing over the cash he said,"You know David, I'm surprised you said Jesus Christ."
"Yeah, in my heart I knew it was Moses. But business is business."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"David, why don't you go and play with...
...with Jimmy?" asks the mother.
"Oh mum, you wouldn't want to play with a filthy, obscene, thieving, lying boy, would you?"
"Of course not." says the mother, as she hugs her son.
"Well, Jimmy wouldn't either..."
My coworker complained about our David Bowie tribute music recently...
...he complained that after Lemmy's death we didn't have any tribute music. I pointed out that would be slightly inappropriate, as Lemmy wrote about taking drugs and blacking out, whilst David Bowie wrote whilst taking drugs and blacking out.
I bought an official Craig David fridge recently, and it's useless!
It only chills on Sundays!
Late Night Political Jokes
"Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 68 today. When asked what her favorite gift was, she said, 'Donald Trump.'" Jimmy Fallon
"They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'" David Letterman
"Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a daughter named Charlotte this weekend. Hillary Clinton was really excited until she remembered that you have to be 18 to vote." Seth Meyers
What do david beckham and Ferrero Rocher chocolates have in common?
They both come in a posh box
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Jews walking down the street
Two Jews are taking an afternoon stroll. As they pass St. Joseph's Cathedral they notice a sign posted on the front door.
**CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM
GET $50!**
"$50!!," exclaims David. "What a great deal, we can just convert back after!"
"Hold your horses," says Aaron. "It could be a scam, tell you what, I will go and do it, we'll see if this deal is real."
Aaron goes into the cathedral and David waits outside.
Finally, after an hour passes, Aaron comes out of the cathedral.
"So? Was it a scam? Did you get the $50??," asks David.
Aaron replies, "Is it always about the money with you people?"
Two Irish men were talking one morning..
"You were so drunk yesterday!", said Callum.
"Why, What did I do?", said David.
"You took a taxi home!"
"So what, it means i don't wan't to get caught for drunk drivin'!"
"The party was at your OWN HOUSE!"
Teacher: I wish you'd pay a little attention, David.
David: I'm paying as little as I can, teacher.
David calls up his brother Mike to schedule their annual family trip.
He tells him they're leaving Saturday to go to Detroit. Mike asks, "wait a minute, why Detroit?"
David answers, "Well, you know that thing old ladies do, where they set up a map on a dart board, and wherever it lands is where they go?"
Mike couldn't resist a chuckle, and says back to him "Yeah, i know that one."
"Well, I missed and hit the trash can."
So we all know the story in the Bible of David and Goliath.
Its a good thing Goliath didn't have paper.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In the 90's Arsenal Soccer Club
Had a player called David d**.... When he was injured,the Newspaper wrote"arsenal to play without d**...". The coach was upset so the Newspaper changed the headline to read"Arsenal to play with d**... out"... A record number of women attended the match
Chris Cornell dies and goes to heaven…
St. Peter: It is probably a bit disorienting, but there are a lot of people here you will want to meet.
Chris: Like who?
St. Peter: Well, right over there are Janis, Jimi, Kurt, Prince, and David Bowie for starters.
Chris: Oh no, is that Bono over there with them? I didn't know that Bono was dead.
St. Peter: No, no, that's not Bono, that's god, he just thinks he's Bono.
The Jewish Boy and the Muslim Boy
David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation.
Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow.
David: Oh? What are they going to do?
Ali: Circumcise me!
David: I had that done when I was just a few days old.
Ali: Did it hurt?
David: I couldn't walk for a year!
"Why do you keep calling David, Dave?"
"Well, it all started when he had his id stolen..."
So I have this mate David, and David gets a bit rowdy sometimes. Anyway, this one time David and I were out and having a good time and David had a few too many beers and got his ID taken
Now we just call him Dav
A woman goes to the fortune teller.
A woman goes to the fortune teller, who tells her, "Two men want to marry me. Who will be the lucky one?" The fortune teller answers, "You will marry Robert, David will be the lucky one."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is both flaccid and rock hard at the same time?
Michelangelo's David
Queen Elizabeth and Sir David Attenborough...
Queen Elizabeth and Sir David Attenborough are walking through the gardens at Buckingham Palace, when they come across a sundial in the shade of a tree.
The Queen: Maybe we could move it...
Attenborough: Depends whether you want to know the time or not.
The Queen: Best leave it be then, as a joke. The best jokes are timeless, after all.
In the 2001 film "The Planet of the Apes" David Warner plays a primate named Senator Sandar
which means the whole planet is probably a Banana Republic
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mummy can I wear a bra now that I'm sixteen?
No, David.
Rat Dreams
David goes to a doctor.
David : Doctor, I see weird dreams.... Rats play soccer in my dreams.
Doctor : I see... I'll write you some tablets. Start taking them from tonight.
David : Can I please start taking them from tomorrow?
Doctor : Why from tomorrow? Why not before going to bed tonight?
David : Because it's the finals tonight
David takes his son to a doctor
David : Doctor, my son has swallowed a pair of keys.
Doctor : When did this happen!?
David : Three months ago.
Doctor : What!? What were you doing till now!?
David : We were using the spare keys.
David Walliams joke
Thank you Joel, and so nice to see Caroline Flack back on TV as well.
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar
and ordered a drink.
Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff, said the bartender.
Just call me Hoff, the actor replied.
Sure, the bartender said, no hassle.
What do David Duke and Johnny Sins have in common?
They are both wizards under the sheets.
There was a doctor and a patient in a hospital.
Doctor: Relax David, it's just a small surgery. Don't panic.
Patient: But Doctor, my name is not David.
Doctor: I know... that's my name.
Two homeless guys were sitting with a sign pointing to one of the guys that reads, "I bet you $2 you can't hit John with a quarter".
A man flicked a quarter at him, and hit him. When the man asked for his $2 for hitting him the homeless guy replied, "you didn't hit john. This here is David".
A couple getting married are standing at the altar saying their vows...
"Do you, Linda, take David the optometrist for better or worse. Better.... Or worse? Better.... Or worse?"
David killed a man by accident...
Yet, they still sentenced him to death. when asked what was his last wish was, he asked for a banana. the jail man said sorry, its not banana season yet . I'll wait said David.
Went into the barbers, I said I want you to cut my hair like David Beckhams .
He cut my hair and I looked in the mirror!
David Beckham doesn't have his hair cut like that!!??
Barber says; He does if he comes in here!!!
What does a dog and a whale have in common?
They both start with the letter d if the whales name is david
Knock knock
Who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor who?
(In david tennents accent) Actually just "the doctor" is fine.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I had s**... with Michelangelo's David
and now they're trying to charge me with with statutory r**...
My girlfriend said she is leaving me because of my constant name dropping
David Beckham warned me this might happen...
David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin Airport and notices the driver keep looking in his rear view mirror at him.
After about 5 minutes the driver says "Go on then give me a clue!?"
Beckham replies, "I had a glittering career with Man Utd, played over 100 times for England and married a spice girl, is that enough?".
Driver says "No mate, I meant where are you going?"
If my name was David and I had a boy, I would have to name him Harley.
That way he could introduce himself, I'm Harley, David's son.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A competition is held to determine who is the world's best magician
David Blaine performs first with his famous trick. He waves his hand, and, *p**...*, the card disappears.
David Copperfield performs next. He waves his hand, and, *p**...*, the Statue of Liberty disappears.
Finally, a guy with a beard dressed in rags and sandals comes on stage. Nobody expects him to best the world's most famous magicians. But he waves his hand, and, *p**...*...
...the 300,000-man strong Afghan National Army disappears.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The new priest
A new priest was nervous before his first sermon, so the monseigneur told him to have a bit of a drink before mass to take off the edge.
The new priest took the advice. After the sermon he returned to the rectory to find a note. It read:
Good sermon today, but a few small points:
- There are 10 commandments, not 12
- There are 12 apostles, not 10
- David was struck with a rock and knocked off his donkey, he was not "s**... off his a**..."
- Next weekend there's a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's
Young David asked his wealthy grandfather, Sol, how he had made his money.
Sol said, "Well, David, it was 1955, and I was down to my last five cents. I went to the local market and invested that five cents in a large apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested the ten cents in two large apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and I sold them at the end of the day for twenty cents. I continued this system for a month. Then Bubbie died and left us five million dollars."
