David Jokes
150 david jokes and hilarious david puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about david that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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- Short David Jokes
- David One Liners
- David Bowie Jokes
- David Cameron Jokes
- David Hasselhoff Jokes
- David Blaine Jokes
- More David Jokes
Funniest David Short Jokes
Short david jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The david humour may include short david cameron jokes also.
- "It's a boy", David shouted, "It's a BOY!" With tears rolling down his eyes, David came running out of the room. And never visited Bangkok again.
- David Hasselhoff calls his Agent and demands, "I want everyone to call me The Hoff from now on." His Agent says, "Sure. No hassle."
- I heard a statistic that there are more men named David in charge of companies than there are women. Well obviously. How many women do you know named David?
- David Hasselhoff told his agent that he wants to be known as Hoff from now on. Agent: Sure David. No hassle.
- I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year... Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.
- Scotland's Independence David Cameron has said Scotland could become a third world country if they become independent.
I'm not sure if things will improve to that degree, but you never know - Why do they have fences around cemeteries? Because everyone is dying to get in.
In memory of my Uncle David RIP. He would always tell this joke - And so John said to David come forth and you shall win eternal life... But David came fifth and won a toaster
- David Hasselhoff walks into a bar and orders a drink. It's a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff, says the bartender.
Just call me Hoff, he replied.
Sure, said the bartender, No hassle. - Did you hear David Copperfield has stopped doing the old trapdoor disappearing trick? It was just a stage he was going through.
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David One Liners
Which david one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with david? I can suggest the ones about david hasselhoff and david bowie.
- "Hello, is this anonymous NSA hotline?" "Yes, David, how can we help you?"
- My mate David was a victim of ID theft Now we just call him Dav
- My name is David and I had my ID stolen the other day. Now they just call me Dav.
- My friend David lost his ID the other day Now we just call him dav
- My friend David had his ID stolen. Now he's just Dav.
- David was hard at work... it was really quite awkward for his coworkers.
- The David Cameron diet: You'll never lose your pounds quicker.
- My friend David lost his ID. Now he's just Dav.
- Our mate David had his ID stolen We've started calling him Dav
- David was a victim of ID theft He's now known as Dav.
- Well I've heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord. Gsus
- My buddy David lost his ID Now we just call him Dav
- My brother David had his ID stolen Now he's just Dav
- My friend David had his ID stolen the other day Now we just call him Dav
- David had his ID stolen yesterday... So we call him Dav now.
David Bowie Jokes
Here is a list of funny david bowie jokes and even better david bowie puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I ground up my ctrl key and gift wrapped it. The card reads: This is ground ctrl.
TO: Major Tom
(Merry Christmas David Bowie!) - What does David Bowie do after the gym? Ch ch ch ch changes
- What did Alan Rickman say when he stood over David Bowie's grave? Do you mind if I Slytherin?
- Why was David Bowie good at test taking? Because he could write Under Pressure!
- What does David Bowie do after he gets out of the swimming pool? He ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes. (Sorry if repost)
- What does David Bowie call his OpenDocument files? space.odt
- Do you think David Bowie just had one set of clothes when he performed? Or do you think he had several different ch-ch-ch-changes?
- What is the difference between David Bowie and feminists? David Bowie has made Ch-Ch-Changes
- What did David Bowie want for Christmas? Carrie Fisher.
- What is David Bowie's favourite energy drink? Redbull Redbull
David Cameron Jokes
Here is a list of funny david cameron jokes and even better david cameron puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- David Cameron Went to his local butcher. He asked the butcher for a steak. The butcher asked "what is your favourite cut?", David replied, "the public sector".
- David Cameron sends Alex Salmond a text following the Scottish vote... David: "Hi mate just checking in, u k?"
- What about the rumours David Cameron smoked drugs as a schoolboy? What worries me most is that he dressed up as a schoolboy to do it, the pervert.
- David Cameron didn't do much as the Prime Minister of the UK But Theresa May.
- Where does David Cameron keep his hidden money? In the Piggy bank
- David Cameron: Tax evasion is morally wrong, I leaned that from my father. The tax evasion bit, not the morally wrong bit.
- What's David Cameron's favourite Shakespeare play? Hamlet.
- David Cameron: I can't live... without EU
- Where do David Cameron and his party meet? In the Conservatory!
- I feel sorry for the two policemen outside number 10 Seeming David Cameron has a thing for pigs now.
David Hasselhoff Jokes
Here is a list of funny david hasselhoff jokes and even better david hasselhoff puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did david hasselhoff change his name to 'The Hoff'? He couldn't be bothered with the hassle
- I just heard that David Hasselhoff sold part of his name for $10 million. I just hope it was worth the Hassel
- David Hasselhoff just changed his name to "David Hoff" If anything, it's less of a hassel.
- So a few years ago David Hasselhoff said to his agent "I just want to be known as The Hoff" His agent replied "no Hassel"
- David Hasselhoff walks into a bar. Bartender: What can I get you Mr Hasselhoff?
David: I want you to call me David Hoff.
Bartender: Okay David Hoff, no hassle. - David Hasselhoff changed his name to "The Hoff". He couldn't deal with all the *Hassel*
- David Hasselhoff walks into a bar and says to the barman... ..."I want you to call me David Hoff".
The barman replies:
"Sure thing Dave... no hassle." - Did you hear why David Hasselhoff shortened his name to just Hoff? Because he couldn't handle the hassle...
- "Mister Gorbatschow, tear down this wall!" -David Hasselhoff
- Why did David Hasselhoff change his name? It was just too much of a Hassel.
Cringes all around!
David Blaine Jokes
Here is a list of funny david blaine jokes and even better david blaine puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I walked up to a group of girls. I said, "Would you like to see a magic trick?"
"Yes," they smiled eagerly.
Then I handed them a david blaine DVD and walked off. - David Blaine announced he is not interested in being a magician anymore. He said that it has lost its magic.
- What's David Blaine's favorite accessory? His watch.... watch.... watch....
('lil magish humor) - David Blaine might like to think he's the world's greatest illusionist... But I can walk into any bar in the world and I become instantly invisible to all women.
Your move David. - David Blaine's voice puts his face to sleep.
- Why does David Blaine have AIDS? Because he did Magic.
- What's the difference between David Blaine and the NRA? The former has a cunning array of stunts
- What's the difference between a review of David Blaine's act and Bill Cosby on rollerblades? One is rating an escapist, the other is a skating r**....
- David Blaine has reportedly been accused of two s**... assaults. Apparently he touched two women and they disappeared.
Gather Around for Heartwarming David Jokes and Uplifting Humor
What funny jokes about david you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lynch jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make david pranks.
Did you hear that David Copperfield has aids now?
Yea, he was doing Magic.
David Cameron.
What do you call David Cameron when he enters the houses of parliament? An inside joke.
What do you call David Cameron when he's late for the bus? A running joke.
What do you call David Cameron's leadership skills? A bad joke.
Why couldn't Henry David Thoreau leave his house?
He was Walden.
In an English class...
Teacher: David, give me a sentence starting with "I."
David: I is...
Teacher: No, David. You must always say "I am."
David: Oh right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
How did David Copperfield get h**...?
From doing Magic.
It was career day in Elm Park Elementary School...
and each student had to write about their dad's profession. Ruby wrote about her dad being a doctor and David wrote about his dad being a construction work.
When the teacher asked Johnny he said, "My dad is a p**... and a drug fiend."
"What?!?! Johnny, be honest. I know that's not what your dad does!"
"You're really gonna make me to tell the entire class that my dad is a banker?!"
Golfing on the sabbath
One day, a man named David decides to skip church to play golf. Up in heaven, Saint Peter sees this and reports David's sin to God. God says, "I will punish him accordingly." David plays a perfect game and goes home really pleased. Saint Peter sees this and goes to God and says, "What gives? You said you would punish him, yet he gets a perfect score." God smiles and says, "Who can he tell?"
Three guys are talking about their families (likely a re-post)
Three men - Bob, Joe, and David - are bragging about their families. Bob and Joe are Catholic, and David is m**....
Joe says "I've got four athletic daughters. One more and I'll have a championship basketball team."
Bob responds "I've got eight athletic sons. One more and I'll have an all-Anerican baseball team."
David answers "I've got five beautiful wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."
David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'...
David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'.
We're leaving that country in a state of poverty and despair, where half the population can't read and daily life is blighted by the ever-present threat of needless violence.
Yes, we've brought the British way of life to them all right.
Shrove Tuesday
"Dad why is my brother called George?"
"Cos he was born on St George's day"
"Dad why is my brother called David?"
"Cos he was born on St David's day"
"Dad.."
"Oh for crying out loud, enough with the questions, Pancake."
!!BAD DRIVERS!!
There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, "**David, be careful!** I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!"
David says, "I know, but there isn't just one, **there are hundreds!**"
the most famous person in the history of the world
The teacher addressed his class,"I'll give five dollars to anybody who can name the most famous person in the history of the world."
An Irish boy raised his hand and said,"St. Patrick."
"Sorry Seamus, that's not correct."
Then a French boy raised his hand and said,"Napoleon."
The teacher replied,"I'm sorry, Jean, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and answered,"Jesus Christ."
"That's right, David! You win the five dollars. Congratulations!" As the teacher was handing over the cash he said,"You know David, I'm surprised you said Jesus Christ."
"Yeah, in my heart I knew it was Moses. But business is business."
"David, why don't you go and play with...
...with Jimmy?" asks the mother.
"Oh mum, you wouldn't want to play with a filthy, obscene, thieving, lying boy, would you?"
"Of course not." says the mother, as she hugs her son.
"Well, Jimmy wouldn't either..."
My coworker complained about our David Bowie tribute music recently...
...he complained that after Lemmy's death we didn't have any tribute music. I pointed out that would be slightly inappropriate, as Lemmy wrote about taking drugs and blacking out, whilst David Bowie wrote whilst taking drugs and blacking out.
I bought an official Craig David fridge recently, and it's useless!
It only chills on Sundays!
Late Night Political Jokes
"Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 68 today. When asked what her favorite gift was, she said, 'Donald Trump.'" Jimmy Fallon
"They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'" David Letterman
"Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a daughter named Charlotte this weekend. Hillary Clinton was really excited until she remembered that you have to be 18 to vote." Seth Meyers
What do david beckham and Ferrero Rocher chocolates have in common?
They both come in a posh box
Two Jews walking down the street
Two Jews are taking an afternoon stroll. As they pass St. Joseph's Cathedral they notice a sign posted on the front door.
**CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM
GET $50!**
"$50!!," exclaims David. "What a great deal, we can just convert back after!"
"Hold your horses," says Aaron. "It could be a scam, tell you what, I will go and do it, we'll see if this deal is real."
Aaron goes into the cathedral and David waits outside.
Finally, after an hour passes, Aaron comes out of the cathedral.
"So? Was it a scam? Did you get the $50??," asks David.
Aaron replies, "Is it always about the money with you people?"
Two Irish men were talking one morning..
"You were so drunk yesterday!", said Callum.
"Why, What did I do?", said David.
"You took a taxi home!"
"So what, it means i don't wan't to get caught for drunk drivin'!"
"The party was at your OWN HOUSE!"
Teacher: I wish you'd pay a little attention, David.
David: I'm paying as little as I can, teacher.
My buddy, David, had his ID stolen while on a business trip in Prague...
...now we just have to call him Dav.
David calls up his brother Mike to schedule their annual family trip.
He tells him they're leaving Saturday to go to Detroit. Mike asks, "wait a minute, why Detroit?"
David answers, "Well, you know that thing old ladies do, where they set up a map on a dart board, and wherever it lands is where they go?"
Mike couldn't resist a chuckle, and says back to him "Yeah, i know that one."
"Well, I missed and hit the trash can."
In the 90's Arsenal Soccer Club
Had a player called David d**.... When he was injured,the Newspaper wrote"arsenal to play without d**...". The coach was upset so the Newspaper changed the headline to read"Arsenal to play with d**... out"... A record number of women attended the match
I told my brother in law, David, to name his son Harley
that way I can introduce him as Harley, David's son.
Chris Cornell dies and goes to heaven…
St. Peter: It is probably a bit disorienting, but there are a lot of people here you will want to meet.
Chris: Like who?
St. Peter: Well, right over there are Janis, Jimi, Kurt, Prince, and David Bowie for starters.
Chris: Oh no, is that Bono over there with them? I didn't know that Bono was dead.
St. Peter: No, no, that's not Bono, that's god, he just thinks he's Bono.
The Jewish Boy and the Muslim Boy
David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation.
Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow.
David: Oh? What are they going to do?
Ali: Circumcise me!
David: I had that done when I was just a few days old.
Ali: Did it hurt?
David: I couldn't walk for a year!
A woman goes to the fortune teller.
A woman goes to the fortune teller, who tells her, "Two men want to marry me. Who will be the lucky one?" The fortune teller answers, "You will marry Robert, David will be the lucky one."
What is both flaccid and rock hard at the same time?
Michelangelo's David
In the 2001 film "The Planet of the Apes" David Warner plays a primate named Senator Sandar
which means the whole planet is probably a Banana Republic
Rat Dreams
David goes to a doctor.
David : Doctor, I see weird dreams.... Rats play soccer in my dreams.
Doctor : I see... I'll write you some tablets. Start taking them from tonight.
David : Can I please start taking them from tomorrow?
Doctor : Why from tomorrow? Why not before going to bed tonight?
David : Because it's the finals tonight
David takes his son to a doctor
David : Doctor, my son has swallowed a pair of keys.
Doctor : When did this happen!?
David : Three months ago.
Doctor : What!? What were you doing till now!?
David : We were using the spare keys.
My mate David lost his ID
We call him dav now.
David Walliams joke
Thank you Joel, and so nice to see Caroline Flack back on TV as well.
David Walliams NTA joke with Caroline Flack
Thank you Joel and so nice to see Caroline Flack back on TV as well.
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar
and ordered a drink.
Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff, said the bartender.
Just call me Hoff, the actor replied.
Sure, the bartender said, no hassle.
There was a doctor and a patient in a hospital.
Doctor: Relax David, it's just a small surgery. Don't panic.
Patient: But Doctor, my name is not David.
Doctor: I know... that's my name.
My friend David had his Id stolen yesterday..
Know we call him dav!
Two homeless guys were sitting with a sign pointing to one of the guys that reads, "I bet you $2 you can't hit John with a quarter".
A man flicked a quarter at him, and hit him. When the man asked for his $2 for hitting him the homeless guy replied, "you didn't hit john. This here is David".
A doctor is just about to perform surgery
So, a doctor is just about to perform surgery.
Doctor: Relax, David. It's just a small surgery. Don't panic.
Patient: My name is not David.
Doctor: I know. I am David.
In his AMA, David Tennant of Dr. Who revealed who his nemesis was.
Goliath Lanndlord.
David Hasselhoff walks into a bar..
It's a pleasure to serve you, Mr. Hasselhoff , said the bartender.
Just call me Hoff, if it's not too much trouble , he replied.
Sure , said the bartender, no hassle .
A couple getting married are standing at the altar saying their vows...
"Do you, Linda, take David the optometrist for better or worse. Better.... Or worse? Better.... Or worse?"
Went into the barbers, I said I want you to cut my hair like David Beckhams .
He cut my hair and I looked in the mirror!
David Beckham doesn't have his hair cut like that!!??
Barber says; He does if he comes in here!!!
Who was the greatest babysitter in the bible?
David. He rocked Goliath to sleep!
What was the secret chord that David played to please the Lord?
G sus.
My friend David lost his ID
Now we just call him Dav
I had s**... with Michelangelo's David
and now they're trying to charge me with with statutory r**...
My friend David got his id stolen
Now we just call him Dav.
My girlfriend said she is leaving me because of my constant name dropping
David Beckham warned me this might happen...
David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin Airport and notices the driver keep looking in his rear view mirror at him.
After about 5 minutes the driver says "Go on then give me a clue!?"
Beckham replies, "I had a glittering career with Man Utd, played over 100 times for England and married a spice girl, is that enough?".
Driver says "No mate, I meant where are you going?"
If my name was David and I had a boy, I would have to name him Harley.
That way he could introduce himself, I'm Harley, David's son.
My friend David lost his ID last night while we were out drinking at the local pub
Now he's jus Dav
