Following is our collection of matthew puns and elijah one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including David jokes for adults, dirty daniel jokes and clean davey dad gags for kids.
and ordered a drink.
Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff, said the bartender.
Just call me Hoff, the actor replied.
Sure, the bartender said, no hassle.
And never visited Bangkok again.
His Agent says, "Sure. No hassle."
"Yes, David, how can we help you?"
Now we just call him Dav
Well obviously. How many women do you know named David?
Now they just call me Dav.
Agent: Sure David. No hassle.
Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.
Now we just call him dav
Now he's just Dav.
it was really quite awkward for his coworkers.
You'll never lose your pounds quicker.
It's a pleasure to serve you, Mr. Hasselhoff , said the bartender.
Just call me Hoff, if it's not too much trouble , he replied.
Sure , said the bartender, no hassle .
David Cameron has said Scotland could become a third world country if they become independent.
I'm not sure if things will improve to that degree, but you never know
Three men - Bob, Joe, and David - are bragging about their families. Bob and Joe are Catholic, and David is Mormon.
Joe says "I've got four athletic daughters. One more and I'll have a championship basketball team."
Bob responds "I've got eight athletic sons. One more and I'll have an all-Anerican baseball team."
David answers "I've got five beautiful wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."
Now he's just Dav.
Teacher: David, give me a sentence starting with "I."
David: I is...
Teacher: No, David. You must always say "I am."
David: Oh right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Because everyone is dying to get in.
In memory of my Uncle David RIP. He would always tell this joke
We've started calling him Dav
He's now known as Dav.
It's a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff, says the bartender.
Just call me Hoff, he replied.
Sure, said the bartender, No hassle.
Gsus
Now we just call him Dav
Now he's just Dav
Went to his local butcher. He asked the butcher for a steak. The butcher asked "what is your favourite cut?", David replied, "the public sector".
He couldn't be bothered with the hassle
Now we just call him Dav
Doctor: Relax David, it's just a small surgery. Don't panic.
Patient: But Doctor, my name is not David.
Doctor: I know... that's my name.
So we call him Dav now.
Two Jews are taking an afternoon stroll. As they pass St. Joseph's Cathedral they notice a sign posted on the front door.
**CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM
GET $50!**
"$50!!," exclaims David. "What a great deal, we can just convert back after!"
"Hold your horses," says Aaron. "It could be a scam, tell you what, I will go and do it, we'll see if this deal is real."
Aaron goes into the cathedral and David waits outside.
Finally, after an hour passes, Aaron comes out of the cathedral.
"So? Was it a scam? Did you get the $50??," asks David.
Aaron replies, "Is it always about the money with you people?"
This is ground ctrl.
TO: Major Tom
(Merry Christmas David Bowie!)
The teacher addressed his class,"I'll give five dollars to anybody who can name the most famous person in the history of the world."
An Irish boy raised his hand and said,"St. Patrick."
"Sorry Seamus, that's not correct."
Then a French boy raised his hand and said,"Napoleon."
The teacher replied,"I'm sorry, Jean, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and answered,"Jesus Christ."
"That's right, David! You win the five dollars. Congratulations!" As the teacher was handing over the cash he said,"You know David, I'm surprised you said Jesus Christ."
"Yeah, in my heart I knew it was Moses. But business is business."
A man flicked a quarter at him, and hit him. When the man asked for his $2 for hitting him the homeless guy replied, "you didn't hit john. This here is David".
He tells him they're leaving Saturday to go to Detroit. Mike asks, "wait a minute, why Detroit?"
David answers, "Well, you know that thing old ladies do, where they set up a map on a dart board, and wherever it lands is where they go?"
Mike couldn't resist a chuckle, and says back to him "Yeah, i know that one."
"Well, I missed and hit the trash can."
Goliath Lanndlord.
There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, "**David, be careful!** I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!"
David says, "I know, but there isn't just one, **there are hundreds!**"
"You were so drunk yesterday!", said Callum.
"Why, What did I do?", said David.
"You took a taxi home!"
"So what, it means i don't wan't to get caught for drunk drivin'!"
"The party was at your OWN HOUSE!"
...now we just have to call him Dav.
David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'.
We're leaving that country in a state of poverty and despair, where half the population can't read and daily life is blighted by the ever-present threat of needless violence.
Yes, we've brought the British way of life to them all right.
A woman goes to the fortune teller, who tells her, "Two men want to marry me. Who will be the lucky one?" The fortune teller answers, "You will marry Robert, David will be the lucky one."
"Do you, Linda, take David the optometrist for better or worse. Better.... Or worse? Better.... Or worse?"
He was Walden.
David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation.
Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow.
David: Oh? What are they going to do?
Ali: Circumcise me!
David: I had that done when I was just a few days old.
Ali: Did it hurt?
David: I couldn't walk for a year!
St. Peter: It is probably a bit disorienting, but there are a lot of people here you will want to meet.
Chris: Like who?
St. Peter: Well, right over there are Janis, Jimi, Kurt, Prince, and David Bowie for starters.
Chris: Oh no, is that Bono over there with them? I didn't know that Bono was dead.
St. Peter: No, no, that's not Bono, that's god, he just thinks he's Bono.
Yea, he was doing Magic.
Thank you Joel and so nice to see Caroline Flack back on TV as well.
and each student had to write about their dad's profession. Ruby wrote about her dad being a doctor and David wrote about his dad being a construction work.
When the teacher asked Johnny he said, "My dad is a pimp and a drug fiend."
"What?!?! Johnny, be honest. I know that's not what your dad does!"
"You're really gonna make me to tell the entire class that my dad is a banker?!"
Michelangelo's David
It only chills on Sundays!
So, a doctor is just about to perform surgery.
Doctor: Relax, David. It's just a small surgery. Don't panic.
Patient: My name is not David.
Doctor: I know. I am David.
Cancer.
Ch ch ch ch changes
that way I can introduce him as Harley, David's son.
Do you mind if I Slytherin?
They both come in a posh box
From doing Magic.
There is an abundance of joshua jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 57 funniest jokes and david puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any david beckham witze you can hear about david.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.