Dave Jokes
112 dave jokes and hilarious dave puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about dave that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh out loud with the outrageous jokes from comedian Sairam Dave! In this collection of short jokes, Dave takes on everything from his wife, Super Dave and Alan and Darren to the struggles of everyday life. Read on for the best (and funniest) Dave Jokes around.
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Funniest Dave Short Jokes
Short dave jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dave humour may include short bob jokes also.
- Genie: Whats your first wish? Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money. - Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes Genie: what will be your first wish?
Dave: I want to be rich
Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?
Rich: I want a lot of money - Librarian: Can I help you? Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Dave: No...
Librarian: One day that will work. - 10 years ago today, I married my best friend My wife's still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea
- Today, when my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" I burst into tears... 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Dave...
- Interviewer: "How do you explain the three year gap on your resume?" Dave : "Oh! That was when I went to Yale!"
Interviewer: "Amazing! You're hired!"
Dave: "Hurray! I got a yob!" - They say one friend out of every group has the potential to be a serial killer.... So I threw Dave off a cliff just in case it was him.
- Apparently people are getting paid now to mention products in their social media posts That's as crazy as the discounts at Dave's furniture Emporium.
- Dave Grohl's kid: Dad, these cakes you made for the school fundraiser are great, but we're one short. Dave Grohl: I'VE GOT ANOTHER CONFECTION TO MAKE!
- Why did Dave Grohl buy such a tall house? He wanted to make sure he was getting the best, the best, the best, the best-a view.
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Dave One Liners
Which dave one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dave? I can suggest the ones about mike and confides.
- A man walks into the bar... The bartender: "Hi Dave!"
The boss faints. - I'm always frank with my girlfriend But Dave to the wife and kids
- I'm willing to defend Dave Chappelle. If you ask me, I think he's a real stand up guy.
- "Hello, is this the anonymous FBI tip line?" "Yes, Dave."
- Dave lost his wife's audiobook... And now he'll never hear the end of it.
- They say that one in every seven friends has a gambling addiction. My money's on Dave.
- What did Dave Grohl say when he dropped his hoagie off a bridge? There goes my Hero.
- "Come forth and gain eternal life" said God Dave came fifth and won a toaster
- Mom: Gary, am I a bad parent? Son: My name is Dave...
- What did Dave Mustaine say to the grocery store cashier? "Can you put a price on peas?"
- What did Dave Grohl say when someone stole his Greek food? There goes my gyroooo
- "Dave, have you ever seen a lie detector?" "Seen it? I'm married to one!"
- Why did the Pope cross the road? He wanted to go see Dave!
- What's Dave's favorite music genre? Meta.
- What did Dave Grohl say when he accidentally dropped his sandwich? "There goes my hero"
Dave Grohl Jokes
Here is a list of funny dave grohl jokes and even better dave grohl puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did Dave Grohl, lead singer of the Foo Fighters, say after his sandwich was stolen? There goes my hero!
- I heard Dave Grohl is making a new misogynistic otaku themed band They're called the Wai-Foo Fighters
- What's Dave Grohl's favorite cut of chicken? The breast, the breast, the breast, the breast...
- What did Dave Grohl start singing whilst working Saturday morning in a pastry shop? "I've got another confection to bake..."
- Dave Grohl started welding and making jello recently. He's officially a part of the Foo Flux Flan.
- What kind of condoms does Dave Grohl wear? w**... Beenie
- I was just about to e**... submarine sandwich when Dave Grohl came out of nowhere and took it [There goes my hero](/spoiler)
Dad And Dave Jokes
Here is a list of funny dad and dave jokes and even better dad and dave puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Little Johnny Johnny : "My dad is bigger than your dad."
Dave : "Yeah? Who's told you that?"
Johnny : "Your mum." - I introduced my new girlfriend to my family last night... "This is my dad Roger," I said, "And this is my twin brother Dave."
"Nice to meet you," she smiled. "Who's the oldest?"
I said, "My dad." - "Hey dad, what's a t**...? I don't really know, but go ask your Aunt Dave.
Dave Mustaine Jokes
Here is a list of funny dave mustaine jokes and even better dave mustaine puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's Dave Mustaine's favorite science? Quantum Mechanix.
- Why is Dave Mustaine described as "heavy metal"? Because he sings lead.
(Better read than said.)
Howlingly Hilarious Dave Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about dave you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make dave pranks.
A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover
The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."
A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."
"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.
Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Dave and John are playing a round of golf...
Dave is lining up his put on the 8th green when they hear a car coming along the road that runs parallel to the course. Upon seeing a hearse, Dave stands away from his ball, takes his cap off and bows his head until it passes.
"That was very decent of you Dave."
"Yea, she was a good wife."
Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation...
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or j**... and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "Well, you'd better j**.... I've got a headache."
2 hearses.
One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Dave then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." "Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line." replied the man.
I was hungover this morning so I phoned work and said to the boss...
.. "I'm afraid I won't be in today, my father had a massive heart attack and died last night."
"That was your last chance Dave," he said, "I'm taking the 'and son' off the shop sign."
Whenever my mate Dave starts stuttering, I always try and lighten the mood.
By pretending to scratch invisible turntables.
After my friend passed away I got his sibling a parrot to soften the blow.
I also taught it to say, "Dave, it's your brother. Reincarnation is real!"
My friend Dave drowned yesterday
his f**... is on Wednesday. I've made him a wreath in the shape of a buoyancy aid. It's what he would have wanted.
They say there's a person capable of m**... in every friendship group.
I suspected it was Dave, so i killed him before he could cause any harm.
So, there's this man named Dave and he's been a really successful doctor
However, lately he's been facing a little dilemma of wanting to have s**... with his patients.
One voice in his head says, "Oh come on Dave, there's probably been plenty of doctors who have done this before, it won't be any different if you do it too".
The other voice in his head says "But Dave, you're a veterinarian".
"I've been in 3 emotionally abusive relationships"
Said Dave to his new friend.
"I'm so sorry!"
"Huh. I had them thinking it was their fault as well"
Dave drowned
So at the f**... we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. It's what he would have wanted.
(Gary Delaney)
My girlfriend turned to me and said Dave, I think we've come to the end of the road.
Why? I said, shocked.
We're in a river.
My friend Dave told me this joke about Hillary Clinton yesterday...
I was just wondering if anyone here has heard from him?
I think my gran has Alzheimer's.
She called me Dave earlier when my name is Carson. Either that or she's thinking of someone else while we're having s**....
Wanna dance?
Two Girls were sitting at a club. One was ugly and the another one was beautiful.
Dave walked straight to the ugly girl.
Dave: Hello!
Ugly girl: Hi!!
Dave: Wanna dance?
Ugly Girl: Yes (excited)
Dave: OK, Go and dance. I wanna talk to your friend.
My mate Dave has changed a lot since his time in prison
For a start he's not half as tight as he used to be.
Dave came home later than usual from his Sunday golf outing...
He looked thoroughly worn out.
"Tough day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Oh, you have no idea," he said. "The first nine holes were great. But then Steve had a heart attack and died. For the whole back nine, it was 'hit the ball, drag Steve, hit the ball, drag Steve."
Dave was trying to figure out what he would get his wife for her birthday...
Tired of racking his brain, he flat out asked her what she wanted. She replied "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds." So he bought her a bathroom scale.
Dave hasn't been heard from or seen since Thursday.
Little Johnny: Mommy, what's a t**...?
Mom: I think you should ask Aunt Dave that question.
Dave and John have a conversation
Dave: Are you a v**...
John: I was, until yesterday
Dave: I don't believe you
John: No, seriously, ask your sister
Dave: I don't have a sister
John: You will in 9 months.
*flies away snickering on his magic unicorn*
Premarital s**...
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on s**..., marriage, and values.
Dave said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Frank replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?
Linkin Park fought among themselves in choosing which ocean to take a cruise on.
The Pacific ocean was favored by Chester. The Atlantic was desired by Mike. The Arctic was appealing to Rob and Brad because it is an ocean they've never been to before. The Antarctic was chosen by Dave and Joe because they've heard tales of great sea creatures to see in that area. With great argument, they decided against them all.
Indian, it didn't even matter.
How does Davey Crockett take his pie?
Alamo'ed
I was just boasting at work about how I'm currently sleeping with a set of twins...
All the lads were very impressed but one asked;
"How do you tell them apart?"
"Easy", I said, "Michelle has long blonde hair and Dave has a moustache."
Two atheists were lost in a desert.
Two atheists were lost in a desert. They had run out of supplies and were wandering aimlessly.
One morning, they encountered a Muslim. The Muslim asked, "What are your names?"
The first, figuring the Muslim would be more likely to help a fellow Muslim, lied and said, "My name is Mohammed."
The second stayed honest and said, "My name is Dave."
The Muslim gave Dave a hearty breakfast. He turned to "Mohammed" and said, "Fasting is so hard, isn't it?"
s**... education
Dave's wife said to him, "If our kids are old enough to ask a question about s**..., then they are old enough to be told a truthful answer."
Just then his son came home from school and asked him what a b**... was.
"Son," said Dave, "I can't remember."
Dave took his wife Sheila and her sister Mandy away for a weekend in the caravan.
"Any chance of a b**...?" Dave whispered to his wife when they were in bed.
"For f**...'s sake, Dave!" she hissed, "Mandy's in the bed over there!"
"Good point," he said, "Mandy? Any chance of a b**...?"
Y'all hear that Reese whatever her name is stabbed herself?
Dave: Witherspoon?
Mike: Nah, with a knife.
Dave and Steve are out back at a party, smoking and talking
Dave turns to Steve and starts telling what he thought was a hilarious joke. After he's finished, Dave is confused, as Steve isn't laughing at all. Then he remembers it's an inside joke.
BOSS: What's going on here?
BOSS: What's going on here?
JAMES: Dave's mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
JAMES: ugh ok FINE. And I, "on purpose", slept with his wife
They fired my friend, doctor, for sleeping with his patient
After 7 years of studying, they fired my friend, doctor. He slept with his patient and can no longer carry out his profession for this. So much effort, time, money, and hop, it's just a one little mistake that makes you lose everything. Dave, I stand by you, you are still a wonderful person and an excellent veterinarian for me!
Jim and Dave are walking down the street when they see a dog l**... his private parts....
"I wish i could do that" says Jim
"Give him a biscuit and he will probably let you"
I'm worried my grandma has Alzheimer's
She keeps calling me Dave when my name is Bill
It's either that or she's thinking about someone else when we are having s**....
Dave : How's the diet going?
Dave : How's the diet going?
Karen : Well, today's my cheat day
Dave : What does that mean?
Guy in bed : Don't worry about it
Dave's wife tied him to the bed posts last night.
Dave's wife tied him to the bed posts last night. Unable to move, he could do nothing to stop her slowly stripping down to her bra and pants in front of him.
She knelt on the bed, between his thighs and said
"Ok big boy, what would you like me to take off next?"
Dave gulped: "My glasses, please."
My friend Dave drowned.
At his f**... we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebuoy. It's what he would've wanted.
Dave: Excuse me, sir, is this carrot genetically modified?
Clerk: No, why do you ask?
Carrot: No, really, why do you ask?
A pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Dave: (reading) a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the kids room] why is half my soda gone?
Dave: because you're a pessimist.
Dave got his wife a French maids costume to get her in the mood but it was a complete waste.
The house is still messed up as usual.
Knock knock
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
It's Dave!
Dave who?
Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.
I ran into the pub and shouted to my mate. Dave! I've just saw your car being stolen."
He said Didn't you try to stop them?
I said, No, but don't worry. I got the registration.
Dave: I'm making a documentary about my life.
Dave: And, I think you should play the role of my father.
Friend: I don't want to be your father.
Dave: Perfect, you already know your lines.
They say that there is a potential m**... in every friend group
I suspected it was Dave so I killed him before he could harm anyone.
Two whales are sitting and drinking together at a bar. The first whale says "Eeeeoooooaaaaaaaeeeeeeuuuuuooooooaaaaaauuuuueeeeee"
The second whale says
"Dave, go home. You're drunk."
My next door neighbour knocked my door last night, wearing l**... and stockings. Asked to borrow a cup of sugar and if I wanted to come over for a night cap
I said, 'Fuck off Dave, I've got work in the b**... morning' .
Dave was getting robbed in the desert
he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.
he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"
after the robber shot the coat, he said, "shoot a few holes-"
"please, no more holes, I'm out of bullets"
"that's what I wanted to hear. now give me back the wallet and some more money for the hat and coat you destroyed before I beat you black and blue"
Dave knows everyone joke
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”
“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
“Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”
Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.
“President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington,” and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a beer first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“Pope Francis,” his boss replies.
“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who the f**... is that on the balcony with Dave?’
Dave and his two friends are talking at a bar.
Dave and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Dave says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
Two scientists, Jim and Dave, walk into a bar...
... Jim asks for a H20.
Dave asks why he ordered it like that, and Jim says that they're scientists and so should present themselves as such.
Dave replies "whatever, I'll have a water too".
Jim watches the bartender get Dave's drink, angry that his assassination attempt failed.
"The doctor said that I should touch myself whenever I feel like it."
"No, Dave. He said you could have a s**... at any time."
I was woken late last night about 3am
By my next door neighbor in a very revealing negligee, bra, thongs and high heel boots, and asking to borrow a cup of sugar.
I said, f**... off dave, I've got work in the morning'.
A man dies and goes to h**....
Satan greets him and says, "Welcome to h**..., Dave. First, the Wi-fi password is..."
Dave says, "Wait, you guys have wi-fi?"
Satan replies, "Of course we do."
"That's certainly not bad at all" says Dave.
Satan continues, "So, as I was saying, the wi-fi password is the number pi"
I have a list of friends who love palindromes!
Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel, and Ellen
A man is at a doctor's office about to have his prostate checked.
The doctor says "Okay, Steve, let's not get an e**... again during the procedure." The man looks at the doctor confused, and says "My name isn't Steve, it's Dave." The doctor says "I know. I'm Steve."
A guy named Dave is hanging out with his friend Steve at a bar
Dave is really down in the dumps so Steve asks him what's up.
Dave: My wife has been making me pay for s**...!
Steve: Really? How much does she charge you?
Dave: $50 every time!
Steve: Wow, you're lucky!
Dave: Lucky!? How could you say that!?
Steve: That's cheap!! She charges me $300!!!!!!!
Ten years ago today, I married my best friend
My wife was pretty upset about it, but Dave and I were drunk and thought it was funny
Prostate exam
Patient bent over n**... about to get his prostate checked.
Dr says "ok Dave don't get a hard on "
Patient says " my name is Kenneth"
Dr says " my name is DAVE"
My car broke down this morning, so I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine. Amazingly, he said, Hello Dave! You're a handsome fellow and very nicely dressed, too!" I realised the problem straight away.
Bat flattery
Dave, a man committed to an insane asylum, was writing a letter.
The doctor asks "Hi there Dave, whatcha' doing there?"
Dave answers, "I'm writing a letter to myself."
"Really? What does it say?" The doctor asks.
And Dave answers, "I don't know, I haven't received it yet."
Dave is watching TV
Dave is watching TV, on the news there's a man about to jump off a building, he does, and dies.
Later, Dave's friend Bob comes over, the news is one and it is playing the same video of the man going to jump off the building, Dave being the tactical person he is says bet you £5 he'll jump off . Bob agrees. Obviously the man jumps off, Dave says you know what, you can keep the fiver, I watched it earlier
to which Bob says so did I, I didn't think he'd do it again.
Sam: Hey Dave, I saw something really weird last night in the woods.
Dave: Oh yeah? What'd you see?
Sam: We'll it's kinda hard to explain, except it looked like a group of older women gathered around a fire, doing these weird chants and they started to get n**..... I mean that could only mean one thing..
Dave: Which is?
Sam: Exactly
There was once a bloke named Dave
On the way to work, Dave saw a homeless man. He felt bad and gave the homeless man $10. A friend he was walking with told him it was a bad idea because he would spend the $10 on drugs. Dave thought about this an went back to the homeless man and asked
How can I get drugs for $10 too?
Hey guys, just wanted to wish you all happy holidays.
Reddit is filled with ready-made messages that you don't even read, you just copy and paste to every subreddit, I don't like that, I like writing from my heart. Our friendship, from the deepest to virtual, is very important to me and couldn't ever be represented by a cookie-cutter message from anywhere. So, I'd like to thank you all, you're the best Dave & Buster's subreddit I've ever interacted with.
Yeah I carry a gun on me at all times
You have to these days ... because you never know when some psychopath is gonna come up to you and say ...
..."you're fired."
\-Dave Attel
Auto
John: "My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."
Dave: "Really? What did he get?"
John: "Fifteen years."
A retired man named Dave took a part-time job at a small woodshop, but every morning, he was late.
Five minutes, ten minutes, fifteen minutes. The owner wasn't too upset because Dave was great with customers, but one day he got curious.
"Hey Dave," the owner asked. "What did they say at your last job when you came in late all the time?"
"They said the same thing no matter what time I came in," Dave grinned. "Good morning, Colonel."
