dave Jokes

funny dave pick up lines and hilarious dave puns

A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."

"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.

Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

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My friend Dave drowned.

At his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebuoy. It's what he would've wanted.

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I was having sex with my wife last night

when she suddenly yelled, Dave! Get your cock out of my arse!


Just relax. I said, You might like it.


Relax? she screamed, What the fuck is Dave doing here?

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Genie: Whats your first wish?

Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.

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Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes

Genie: what will be your first wish?

Dave: I want to be rich

Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?

Rich: I want a lot of money

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Premarital sex

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Dave said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Frank replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

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I once dated a girl with a twin.

People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was pretty simple, Rachel always painted her nails purple and Dave had a cock.

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Librarian: Can I help you?

Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Dave: No...

Librarian: One day that will work.

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Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.

Well, it's what he would have wanted.

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10 years ago today, I married my best friend

My wife's still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea

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I once dated a girl who had a twin.

I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People always asked me how I could tell them apart.

It was pretty simple, Rachel always painted her nails purple and Dave had a cock.

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Today, when my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" I burst into tears...

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Dave...

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A man walks into the bar...

The bartender: "Hi Dave!"

The boss faints.

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Her Him

Her: I'm Susan, but you can call me Sue. 

Him: I'm Dave, but everyone calls me Dick


Her: Really? How do you get Dick from Dave?

Him: You ask nicely.


I heard this today!

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BOSS: What's going on here?

BOSS: What's going on here?

JAMES: Dave's mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-

DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!

JAMES: ugh ok FINE. And I, "on purpose", slept with his wife

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They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group.

I suspected it was Dave, so i killed him before he could cause any harm.

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10 years ago I married my best friend.

My wife is still really angry about it. But me and Dave were drunk and thought it was funny

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They say one friend out of every group has the potential to be a serial killer....

So I threw Dave off a cliff just in case it was him.

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My mate Dave drowned...

For his funeral, we got a wreath in the shape of a life saver.

It's what he would've wanted.

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My friend David lost his ID...

Now we just call him Dave.

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I'm 100% straight

So straight I don't even like touching my own dick to masturbate.

My friend Dave does it for me.

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this guy from over the road......

This guy from over the road was talking to me earlier.

"My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the milkman," he confided.

"What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"

"Yes," he laughed, cheering up.

"Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?"

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Sex education

Dave's wife said to him, "If our kids are old enough to ask a question about sex, then they are old enough to be told a truthful answer."
Just then his son came home from school and asked him what a blow job was.
"Son," said Dave, "I can't remember."

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"My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the milkman," the bloke from over the road confided with me earlier

"What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"
"Yes," he laughed, cheering up.
"Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?"

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A recent article in the Daily Post reported that a man, Dave Harper, sued St Pauls Hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.

A Hospital spokesman replied:
Mrs Harper was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct her eyesight.

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My friend Dave drowned yesterday

his funeral is on Wednesday. I've made him a wreath in the shape of a buoyancy aid. It's what he would have wanted.

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I was hungover this morning so I phoned work and said to the boss...

.. "I'm afraid I won't be in today, my father had a massive heart attack and died last night."

"That was your last chance Dave," he said, "I'm taking the 'and son' off the shop sign."

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Role play

John and Dave have been on a deserted island for over 2 years. Missing sex John proposes an idea.
"Look Dave, I know we're not gay but if you pretend to be a woman for me and let me sex you up I will do the same for you."
Dave agreed and John began to ram Dave's asshole. Dave was being a good sport and did his best to moan like a woman. After John finished Dave said "Ok your turn"
"Fuck off, I have a headache Dave."

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Dave drowned

So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. It's what he would have wanted.

(Gary Delaney)

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Dirty Dave

Dirty Dave the flasher was thinking about retiring. But he decided to stick it out for another year.

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Two atheists were lost in a desert.

Two atheists were lost in a desert. They had run out of supplies and were wandering aimlessly.

One morning, they encountered a Muslim. The Muslim asked, "What are your names?"

The first, figuring the Muslim would be more likely to help a fellow Muslim, lied and said, "My name is Mohammed."

The second stayed honest and said, "My name is Dave."

The Muslim gave Dave a hearty breakfast. He turned to "Mohammed" and said, "Fasting is so hard, isn't it?"

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I'm always frank with my girlfriend

But Dave to the wife and kids

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Dave's wife tied him to the bed posts last night.

Dave's wife tied him to the bed posts last night. Unable to move, he could do nothing to stop her slowly stripping down to her bra and pants in front of him.

She knelt on the bed, between his thighs and said

"Ok big boy, what would you like me to take off next?"

Dave gulped: "My glasses, please."

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My mate Dave...

My mate Dave was in a bad mood the other day, i asked him why he was so pissed off? "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back" to which i replied "but Dave, you're in a wheelchair..."

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Dave took his wife Sheila and her sister Mandy away for a weekend in the caravan.

"Any chance of a blow job?" Dave whispered to his wife when they were in bed.

"For fuck's sake, Dave!" she hissed, "Mandy's in the bed over there!"

"Good point," he said, "Mandy? Any chance of a blow job?"

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What are the best Dave puns ?

Did you ever wanted to be joking with someone about Dave? Well, here are the best Dave dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny pranks and Dave pick up lines to share with friends.

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