Dave Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Dave puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Dave

A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."

"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.

Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

My friend Dave drowned.

At his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebuoy. It's what he would've wanted.

Genie: Whats your first wish?

Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.

Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes

Genie: what will be your first wish?

Dave: I want to be rich

Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?

Rich: I want a lot of money

Premarital sex

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Dave said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Frank replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

Librarian: Can I help you?

Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Dave: No...

Librarian: One day that will work.

10 years ago today, I married my best friend

My wife's still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea

Today, when my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" I burst into tears...

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Dave...

A man walks into the bar...

The bartender: "Hi Dave!"

The boss faints.

BOSS: What's going on here?

BOSS: What's going on here?

JAMES: Dave's mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-

DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!

JAMES: ugh ok FINE. And I, "on purpose", slept with his wife

Interviewer: "How do you explain the three year gap on your resume?"

Dave : "Oh! That was when I went to Yale!"

Interviewer: "Amazing! You're hired!"

Dave: "Hurray! I got a yob!"

They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group.

I suspected it was Dave, so i killed him before he could cause any harm.

They say one friend out of every group has the potential to be a serial killer....

So I threw Dave off a cliff just in case it was him.

Sex education

Dave's wife said to him, "If our kids are old enough to ask a question about sex, then they are old enough to be told a truthful answer."
Just then his son came home from school and asked him what a blow job was.
"Son," said Dave, "I can't remember."

My friend Dave drowned yesterday

his funeral is on Wednesday. I've made him a wreath in the shape of a buoyancy aid. It's what he would have wanted.

I was hungover this morning so I phoned work and said to the boss...

.. "I'm afraid I won't be in today, my father had a massive heart attack and died last night."

"That was your last chance Dave," he said, "I'm taking the 'and son' off the shop sign."

Dave drowned

So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. It's what he would have wanted.

(Gary Delaney)

Dirty Dave

Dirty Dave the flasher was thinking about retiring. But he decided to stick it out for another year.

Two atheists were lost in a desert.

Two atheists were lost in a desert. They had run out of supplies and were wandering aimlessly.

One morning, they encountered a Muslim. The Muslim asked, "What are your names?"

The first, figuring the Muslim would be more likely to help a fellow Muslim, lied and said, "My name is Mohammed."

The second stayed honest and said, "My name is Dave."

The Muslim gave Dave a hearty breakfast. He turned to "Mohammed" and said, "Fasting is so hard, isn't it?"

I'm always frank with my girlfriend

But Dave to the wife and kids

Dave's wife tied him to the bed posts last night.

Dave's wife tied him to the bed posts last night. Unable to move, he could do nothing to stop her slowly stripping down to her bra and pants in front of him.

She knelt on the bed, between his thighs and said

"Ok big boy, what would you like me to take off next?"

Dave gulped: "My glasses, please."

Dave took his wife Sheila and her sister Mandy away for a weekend in the caravan.

"Any chance of a blow job?" Dave whispered to his wife when they were in bed.

"For fuck's sake, Dave!" she hissed, "Mandy's in the bed over there!"

"Good point," he said, "Mandy? Any chance of a blow job?"

Why did Dave Grohl buy such a tall house?

He wanted to make sure he was getting the best, the best, the best, the best-a view.

Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation...

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "Well, you'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

After my friend passed away I got his sibling a parrot to soften the blow.

I also taught it to say, "Dave, it's your brother. Reincarnation is real!"

2 hearses.

One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Dave then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." "Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line." replied the man.

Knock knock

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
It's Dave!
Dave who?

Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

Doctor Dave has sex with one of his patients...

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while, he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, Dave, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go.

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering Dave, you're a vet…

Dave: Excuse me, sir, is this carrot genetically modified?

Clerk: No, why do you ask?

Carrot: No, really, why do you ask?

How does Davey Crockett take his pie?


Teacher ask her pupils what they want to be when they grow up

Children give usual answers: Bill wants to be a pilot, Sue wants to be an actress. But when it comes to little Dave, his answer is a shock to everyone. Dave wants to be a homeless alcoholic with no penny in his pocket.

20 years go by and Dave is now rich, Really Rich.

He stands in his appartament on the top floor of the highest building on the continent, looking at the town of which he owns 3/4, with a glass of most exensive single malt in his hand, and he asks himself a question...

When did this all go wrong?

There is a bar on the 8th floor of a building...

A man sitting at the bar says, 'The gin sold here gives you thirty seconds of flight'
Dave, who was listening - didn't believe him, said, 'I bet $100 it doesn't'
The man accepts the bet and orders a gin. He drinks it and flys out of the window, around the building and then back inside.

Dave was impressed, he handed over the $100 and ordered a gin.
He then jumped out of the window and fell to his death.

The barman then said, 'You've gotta stop doing that, Superman'

I think my gran has Alzheimer's.

She called me Dave earlier when my name is Carson. Either that or she's thinking of someone else while we're having sex.

My friend Dave told me this joke about Hillary Clinton yesterday...

I was just wondering if anyone here has heard from him?

Whenever my mate Dave starts stuttering, I always try and lighten the mood.

By pretending to scratch invisible turntables.

Whom to fire?

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.

Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire.

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive.

Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?

Barbara replied, You'd better jack off. I've got a headache.

Dave got his wife a French maids costume to get her in the mood but it was a complete waste.

The house is still messed up as usual.

"Hello, is this the anonymous FBI tip line?"

"Yes, Dave."

Wanna dance?

Two Girls were sitting at a club. One was ugly and the another one was beautiful.

Dave walked straight to the ugly girl.

Dave: Hello!

Ugly girl: Hi!!

Dave: Wanna dance?

Ugly Girl: Yes (excited)

Dave: OK, Go and dance. I wanna talk to your friend.

Little Johnny: Mommy, what's a transsexual?

Mom: I think you should ask Aunt Dave that question.

I was just boasting at work about how I'm currently sleeping with a set of twins...

All the lads were very impressed but one asked;
"How do you tell them apart?"
"Easy", I said, "Michelle has long blonde hair and Dave has a moustache."

Marital Problems (possible oc?)

Dave got in a fight with his wife and took off for the night. He calls up his friend Steve who offers Dave his couch. While they're watching the gave and having a beer Steve asks Dave what happened.

Dave: I've got no idea. One minute we're talking about the dishwasher, the next she's calling me an arrogant, inconsiderate, chauvinistic pig!

Steve: Well what exactly happened?

Dave: Well, she handed me $1200 to go get a new dishwasher, so I gave it back and told her she was hired.

'Of course I won't laugh,' said the nurse.

'I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Dave, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. 'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'
'It's swollen',he said.....

A pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Dave: (reading) a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the kids room] why is half my soda gone?

Dave: because you're a pessimist.

Till death do us part...

... After a car accident involving a couple they both loose their lives. As the wife is waiting in line to get into heaven she sees her now decease hunsand making out with a younger better looking woman. In a fit if rage she turns to him "how can you do this to me Dave we have been married for almost 50 years, I gave you my best years. I should've listen to my mother she was right about you. You are a dog, nothing more than a failure... " he stops her broughtly "listen the deal was till death do us part."

Edit : words are hard.

Dave was trying to figure out what he would get his wife for her birthday...

Tired of racking his brain, he flat out asked her what she wanted. She replied "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds." So he bought her a bathroom scale.

Dave hasn't been heard from or seen since Thursday.

Expecting Wife

Just as Dave was about to fall asleep, his wife shook him and said, "I hear someone breaking in."

At least two nights a week for twenty years Dave had gone through this. He knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out. So, he went out for a routine check.

When Dave entered the living room he was suprised to see a thief. The man held a gun on him and continued to rob the house.

As the theif was about to leave Dave said, "You have to go and meet my wife."

The thief said, "Why would you want me to meet your wife?"

Dave replied, "Well, she's been expecting you since 20 years."

I'm worried my grandma has Alzheimer's

She keeps calling me Dave when my name is Bill
It's either that or she's thinking about someone else when we are having sex.

Baby Skunk.

Dave and his wife, Anne, were driving home one very cold night in Wisconsin, when Anne yells at him to stop the car. Anne jumps out and picks up a little bundle that was laying in the road. She brings it back to the car and it turns out it was a baby skunk. It was barely alive, but very cold.

Anne says, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

Dave says, "Okay, get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to keep it warm?

"Put it between your legs. It ought to be nice and warm there."

Anne says, "But what about the smell?"

"Just hold his little nose."

Bill and Ted were at a bar...

Bill asked, "Hey where's Dave? Why isn't he here tonight?"
"Dave is dead," said Ted.
Ted said, "Well, he was supposed to pick me up, but when he got to my house, he hit my Ferrari in the driveway, flew through his own windshield, and crashed through my kitchen window."
"What a terrible way to die!"
"Well, no, that didn't kill him. He tried to get up off of my kitchen floor, and he grabbed the handle of my refrigerator door for balance, but the fridge tipped over. It knocked down my china cabinet as well, and everything fell on him."
"Flattened by a refrigerator? That's horrible!"
"That didn't kill him either. He managed to stand up but he fell again, this time into my fireplace. He caught on fire, and started running frantically about. Everything he touched caught on fire, and he looked like he was in a lot of pain."
"That's the worst thing yet! Oh man, poor Dave!"
"No, he was still alive after that."
"Wait, he survived all that? How exactly did he die?"
"Well, I shot him. He was destroying my house."

Dave and John are playing a round of golf...

Dave is lining up his put on the 8th green when they hear a car coming along the road that runs parallel to the course. Upon seeing a hearse, Dave stands away from his ball, takes his cap off and bows his head until it passes.
"That was very decent of you Dave."
"Yea, she was a good wife."

Dave : How's the diet going?

Dave : How's the diet going?

Karen : Well, today's my cheat day

Dave : What does that mean?

Guy in bed : Don't worry about it

Dave came home later than usual from his Sunday golf outing...

He looked thoroughly worn out.

"Tough day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Oh, you have no idea," he said. "The first nine holes were great. But then Steve had a heart attack and died. For the whole back nine, it was 'hit the ball, drag Steve, hit the ball, drag Steve."

Yikes, I guess no one is safe.

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

Dave, don't worry bout it. You aren't the first doctor to have sex with his patient, and you wont be the last…and your single to…let it go!

but invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality.

Dave, Dave, Dave…

…You're a veterinarian…

A teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids come in and share their stories. "My daddy told me about my uncle Dave," says one boy. "He was a pilot in Vietnam and had to bail out over enemy territory with nothing but a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a knife. He drank the whiskey during the drop, then landed in the middle of 20 Charlies. He shot 15, stabbed three, and killed the last two with his bare hands."
"What is the moral of this horrible story?" yelps the mortified teacher.
"Stay away from Uncle Dave when he's drinking."

My girlfriend turned to me and said Dave, I think we've come to the end of the road.

Why? I said, shocked.

We're in a river.

Dave and John have a conversation

Dave: Are you a virgin

John: I was, until yesterday

Dave: I don't believe you

John: No, seriously, ask your sister

Dave: I don't have a sister

John: You will in 9 months.
*flies away snickering on his magic unicorn*

Y'all hear that Reese whatever her name is stabbed herself?

Dave: Witherspoon?

Mike: Nah, with a knife.

"I've been in 3 emotionally abusive relationships"

Said Dave to his new friend.

"I'm so sorry!"

"Huh. I had them thinking it was their fault as well"

Dave stumbles upon an oil lamp

Dave then picks up the lamp and begins to rub some of the dust off of it. Then out of nowhere a genie comes flying out of it. Dave is ecstatic and cannot believe his luck. The genie then begins to talk to him:
Genie: Dave, you have released me from my lamp, I shall now grant you three wishes.
Dave: I wish to find the woman of my dreams.
Genie: You wish has been granted.
A woman then appeared next to Dave.
Genie: You have two more wishes.
Dave: I want to be rich.
Genie: Your wish has been granted.
Rich: Actually, I would like to have a lot of money.

Dave and Steve are out back at a party, smoking and talking

Dave turns to Steve and starts telling what he thought was a hilarious joke. After he's finished, Dave is confused, as Steve isn't laughing at all. Then he remembers it's an inside joke.

What did Dave Grohl, lead singer of the Foo Fighters, say after his sandwich was stolen?

There goes my hero!

Some recent grads having a beer..

Three guys, Mike, Dave, and Doug were at a table in a bar enjoying some beers and conversation. A stranger came by and asked if he could join them and was immediately welcomed. After about an hour of lively conversation the stranger said, I can tell you are all recent college grads. I bet I can guess where each of you went to school.

That would be interesting, said Doug, I'd like to see how you could do that.

Well, Mike here, he's Harvard. That's easy. He's got the Haavard accent. He also made reference to some obscure points of business law and his stylish business suit seals the deal.

And Dave has got to be MIT. The smudged glasses and black t-shirt are a clue. He also made some references that show he has a good grasp of quantum theory and computer science.

That's amazing, said Doug. What about me?

Oh. You went to West Virginia University.

How do you know? asked Doug.

I saw your class ring while you were picking your nose.

They fired my friend, doctor, for sleeping with his patient

After 7 years of studying, they fired my friend, doctor. He slept with his patient and can no longer carry out his profession for this. So much effort, time, money, and hop, it's just a one little mistake that makes you lose everything. Dave, I stand by you, you are still a wonderful person and an excellent veterinarian for me!

My mate Dave has changed a lot since his time in prison

For a start he's not half as tight as he used to be.

So, there's this man named Dave and he's been a really successful doctor

However, lately he's been facing a little dilemma of wanting to have sex with his patients.

One voice in his head says, "Oh come on Dave, there's probably been plenty of doctors who have done this before, it won't be any different if you do it too".

The other voice in his head says "But Dave, you're a veterinarian".

There was once a poem contest...

Contestants were supposed to use the word **Timbuktu** in their poem. All contestants gave their best poems but then came along the priest and his poem was

*All along through my life*

*i had no children and had no wife*

*I read the Bible through and through*

*All the way to Timbuktu*

The judges and audience were taken aback by his poem and decided that he won. That was until the shepherd Dave came with his award winning poem

*When I and Tim to Brisbane went*

*We found three woman cheap to rent*

*They were three and we were two*

*So I book one and Tim book two*

Linkin Park fought among themselves in choosing which ocean to take a cruise on.

The Pacific ocean was favored by Chester. The Atlantic was desired by Mike. The Arctic was appealing to Rob and Brad because it is an ocean they've never been to before. The Antarctic was chosen by Dave and Joe because they've heard tales of great sea creatures to see in that area. With great argument, they decided against them all.
Indian, it didn't even matter.

They say that one in every seven friends has a gambling addiction.

My money's on Dave.

I didn't have sex with my wife before we got married...

...what about you Dave, did you have to wait for a long time ?

\-" Not really, I didn't know your wife before the wedding anyway. "

[Titanic, 1912]

**Captain:** what kind of lettuce do you want on your sandwich?

**First mate:** ICEBERG!

**Captain:** lol... no need to shout, Dave.

I was working in a library and this guy comes up to me and asks, Do you have a bookmark?

I said, Yes, we have hundreds, but my name's Dave.

Dad walks into his daughter's room...

And catches her having sex.

Daughter: Oh my God! Dad I'm sorry!

Dad: Hi Sorry, I'm Dad.

Daughter: Dad, this isn't funny!

Dad: Of course honey, everyone knows this is Dave.

Too many Daves

a mother went into the Centrelink (welfare) office to discuss receiving benefits. during the interview she was asked about her children.
interviewer: how many children do you have?
mother: 7, all boys
interviewer: wow, thats alot. what are their names?
mother: well they are all named Dave
interviewer: all of them? what do you do to call them for dinner? or to get them to school?
mother: well I just call out "Dave, it's time for dinner" and they all come running, same for school, "Dave! time for school" and they all get ready and go.
interviewer: well that does make it easier. what do you do if you just want a certain one of them?
mother: easy, I just use their last name.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes