"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
How are you mate?
Yeah I'm okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.
I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed.
I said Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you.
They respond Get away with ya... Prove it.
I shouted downstairs Hey, mate! Both of them?
He shouted back Of course both of them! What's the point in fucking one?
Anna 1
Anna 2
Anna 3
Anna 4
The friend goes upstairs and sees the paralyzed man's two sexy 17 year old daughters.
He says, Your father sent me up here to have sex with you.
One of the girls replies, That couldn't possibly be true!
The man says I'll prove it and then yells towards the stairs, Both of them?
The paralyzed man yells back Of course both of them!
Carl has a broken leg and his buddy Nick comes over to see him.
Nick says, "How you doin'?"
Carl says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Nick goes upstairs and sees Carl's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya... Prove it."
Nick shouts downstairs, "Carl, both of 'em?"
Carl shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"
Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.
A farmer is concerned that all 3 of his daughters are going on a date tonight. He decided he'll greet each man who shows up tonight with his shotgun in hand.
The first man to ring the doorbell greets the farmer with, "Hi, my names Joe.
I'm here for Flo.
We're going to see the show.
Is she ready to go?"
The farmer likes this fellow and sends Joe and Flo off.
The second man to show up says,
"Hello, I'm Eddy.
I'm looking for Betty.
We're gonna go eat some spaghetti.
Is she ready?"
The farmer decides this guys okay too so off they go.
The third man rings the doorbell says,
"Hey, my name's Chuck."
And the farmer shot him.
I think I have telekinieces.
Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.
The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter''s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"
"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"
"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and you''ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn't even know that she had a penis!"
and each was going on a date one Friday night.
The first daughters date showed up "Hi I'm Freddy here to pick up Betty to eat spaghetti, is she ready?"
Betty left with Freddy.
The second daughters date showed up "Hey I'm Joe here to pick up Flo to go to the show, is she ready to go?"
Flo left with Joe.
The third daughters date showed up "Hello I'm Chuck-"
The farmer shot chuck.
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires tweetment, and the other requires oinkment.
Bill had a broken leg. His friend Nick visits him.
Bill asks Nick, "Can you go get my slippers upstairs?"
Nick goes upstairs to see Bills beautiful daughters on their beds.
Nick says, "Your dad wants me to have sex with you."
They say, "No way! Prove it!"
Nick shouts at Bill, "Both of them?"
Bill shouts, "Yes, both! What's the use of fucking one!?"
They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what they did in their free time.
The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!
The brunette mom opens her daughter's purse second, holding up a half-smoked joint. Lindsay smokes pot?! How could she?!
The blonde non rifles through her daughter's purse next and pulls out an empty condom wrapper. The other moms stare at her for a few moments before she puts her hand over her mouth. Holy shit... Cindy has a dick.
Paddy has a broken leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How you doin'?"
Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya... Prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of 'em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"
She must have misunderstood because now we have twin daughters from the mailman
Mick says, "How you doin'?"
Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya... Prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of 'em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"
A Delhi mother was lucky enough to see her 3 daughters get married the same year, so she called them after the wedding and told them
Dont forget to text me your first night experience and text it in code
So……. after a week, the 1st daughter texted
NESCAFE
and the next week the 2nd daughter text
WILLS
the mother being an intelligent woman went to get a Nescafe tin and read the label
fantastic till the last drop
went to her husband's pack of WILLS cigarette and read
Extra long, king size
she smiled and said not bad for their ages .
After the next week, the 3rd daughter texted
Indigo Delhi Hyderabad ,
the mother then called Indigo airways helpdesk to enquire about their Delhi Hyderabad flight and they replied
it's 5times daily, 7days a week, both ways and the flight duration is 75mins .
Mother fainted
A Blonde,Brunette,and a Redhead decide to check their daughters bags,
All 3 of them found condoms in their respective daughters bags.
The Brunette was stunned and said :" We're a catholic family, It is a sin to have premarital sex "
The Redhead said "Its Good to see my girl is using protection, Because prevention is better than cure !".
The Blonde said: " OH MY GOD, MY DAUGHTER HAS A PENIS "
Daughter 1: Dad, why did you name me Rose?
Dad: Because sweetie, a Rose petal fell on your head when you were born.
Daughter 2: Dad, why did you name me Lily?
Dad: Because sweetie, a Lily petal fell on your head when you were born.
Daughter 3: hghghdnbgh!!? dnbgh!??! nfhriirb!!? Jfjebdjhcb!!??!
Dad: SHUT THE FUCK UP CINDERBLOCK!
Joe has a broken leg. Mike comes over and asks, "How you doing', Joe?"
Joe says, "Do me a favor: Run upstairs and get my slippers."
Mike goes upstairs and sees Joe's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters. He says, "your dad sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
One girl replies, "Get out of here. Prove it?"
Mike shouts down stairs -, "Hey, Joe, both of 'em?"
Joe shouts back, "of course, both of 'em!" What's the point of fuckin' one?"
There was a farmer who had three daughters and all of his daughters were going on their first dates at the same time. The farmer, being protective of his daughters, decided to meet their suitors at the front door with his shot gun.
Some time went by, the first suitor arrived and the farmer answered the door: "Hi I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The farmer thought this on was ok, so he let them go.
The second suitor arrived and the farmer answered the door: "Hi my name's Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer thought this one was ok too, so off the two kids went.
The third suitor arrived and the farmer answered the door: "Hi my name's Chuck" and the farmer shot him.
She asks, "Why is this parrot so cheap?"
The petstore clerk explains, "This parrot lived in a whorehouse until three months ago. He has a filthy mouth."
The lady takes pity on the parrot and buys him. She takes him home and the parrot exclaims, "Holy fuck, a new whorehouse!"
Her two daughters walk in and the parrot exclaims, "Holy fuck, two new whores!"
Her husband walks in and the parrot exclaims, "Holy fuck, Bob, I haven't seen you in three months!"
Wife: Could you go and grab the baby hangers?
Me: They prefer to be called executioners.
A farmer has three daughters who are all going on dates tonight. The doorbell rings and the farmer answers it. The boy says 'Hello I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo. We are going to see a show. Is she ready to go?' so Flo leaves with Joe. The doorbell rings again and the boy says 'Hello I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty. We are going to eat spaghetti. Is she ready?' so Betty leaves with Eddy. The doorbell rings a third time and the boy says 'Hello I'm Chuck....'. The farmer promptly shot him.
...one day the first daughter walks up and asks,
"Mommy, why am I named Rose?"
"Well, when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your head."
She walks away. Then the second walks up and says,
"Mommy, why am I named Daisy?"
"Well, when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your head."
She walks away. Then third walks up and says,
"DURRUGFLARGLERDAAARGGGH!!!"
"It's ok Cinderblock. I still love you."
A man had 3 daughters.
The first daughter walks up to her dad and says "Daddy, why is my name Rose?"
"Because a rose petal fell on you when you were a baby." Replied the father. The first daughter smiles and skips off to play with her dolls.
The second daughter walks up to her dad and says "Daddy, why is my name Tulip?"
"Because a Tulip petal fell on you when you were a baby." Replied the father. The second daughter smiles and skips off to play with her dolls.
The third daughter walks up to her dad and says "Hhhhhnnngngngnggggddddddrrrrruhuuhuhhuhhuhdadgh!"
"...Go to your room cinderblock." Replied the father.
A mother has two daughters and a son. One day her first daughter comes up to her and says: "Mother, why am I named Rose?", to which she replies: "That's because when you were a baby a rose landed on your head".
Her second daughter later comes up to her and says: "Mother, why am I called Petal?", to which she answers: "That's because when you were a baby a petal landed on your head".
Finally, her son approaches her and says: "BLUH NAH BUH BUH BLUH", and the mother says: "Shut up, Fridge".
Anna 1, Anna 2
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs an get me slippers?
No bother, he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.
Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both.
Fook off you liar! .
I'll prove it, Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, Both of them, Paddy?
Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?
Petal and Fridge.
Petal said, "Dad, why is my name Petal?"
Her dad answered, "Because a flower petal was the first thing to fall on you when you were born."
Then Fridge said, "HUURRGRRUWAHGUWAAAAAH!"
Three very conservative men were sitting in a bar discussing their daughters.
The first man said: "I am so disappointed in my little girl. I was going through her room the other day, and found a bottle of Vodka. I did not know she drank"
The second man continued: "I know how you feel. I was going through my princess' room and found a pack of cigarettes. I had no idea that she smoked."
The third man looked at his friends longingly: "you two are very lucky. I found a condom in my daughter's room. I had no idea that she had a penis."
Farmer Brown had 3 lovely daughters. The daughters announce to their father they are going out on dates that night. Farmer Brown agrees under the condition that he gets to talk to each of the young men first.
The first young man knocks on the door and Farmer Brown answers the door with his shotgun and says, "What is your business young man?" to which the young man replies, "My name is Eddie, I'm her for Betty, we're going to have spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer decides Eddie is OK, gives his consent, and Betty and Eddie take off.
The next young man knocks on the door. Farmer Brown answers the door with his shotgun and says "What do you want?" and the young man says, "My name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she set to go?" The farmer looks him over carefully, decides he's OK and off run Joe and Flo.
Finally the last young suitor knocks on the door. Farmer Brown growls, "What do you want?" to which he replies, "My name is Chuck..." and Farmer Brown shoots him
The doorbell rings and the farmer, armed with a shotgun answers the door to find a boy. The boy says, "Hello I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The farmer thinks that the boy is very clever so he calls to Flo and sends her off with Joe
The doorbell rings again a little later and it's another boy. He says, "Hello I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're going to eat spaghetti, do you know if she's ready?" The farmer thinks that Eddy is just as clever as the first boy so he calls for Betty and sends the couple on their way.
The doorbell rings a third time and at the door is another boy. The boy says, "Hello I'm Chuck..." So the farmer shoots him in the face.
Now I have $50k in medical bills and she thinks she has Lupus.
Three men - Bob, Joe, and David - are bragging about their families. Bob and Joe are Catholic, and David is Mormon.
Joe says "I've got four athletic daughters. One more and I'll have a championship basketball team."
Bob responds "I've got eight athletic sons. One more and I'll have an all-Anerican baseball team."
David answers "I've got five beautiful wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."
Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How you doin?"
Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19 year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, "Your dad sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya... prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?" Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?"
Paddy has a broken leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How ya doin?"
Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favor mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, my feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, "Your dad sent me up here to have sex with you both."
They say, "Get away with ya... prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of them?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of them, whats the point of fuckin one?"
She asked the salss girl the price of some Barbie dolls. "This Barbie is $16.99," the girl said. "If you want something a little nicer, Malibu Barbie is $24.99. Or you can get Divorce Barbie for $169.99." "Why is Divorce Barbie so expensive" the mother asked. "Well," the sales girl said "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house and car."
They rush her to the hospital and everything turns out ok. The babies are all fine.
12 years later one of her daughters comes to her worried "mom mom mom i was peeing and a bullet came out!"
"Thats strange." Says the mom.
A few days after that her other daughter rushes up "MOM MOM MOM i was peeing and a bullet came out!"
"Thats really strange" says the mom.
A few more weeks pass without issue, then her son comes up to her "MOM MOM MOM" she cuts him off "let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out."
"NO! I WAS JACKING OFF AND I SHOT THE DOG!"
A mom buys an old parrot in a whorehouse and proceeds to bring it home for the family to enjoy their new pet.
As she brings the parrot inside the house the parrot says "ah, new house!" and she bursts in laughter.
Later that day, the daughters arrive from school and promptly the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes!" and they all burst in laughter.
Some time goes by, and after a long day of work the dad finally arrives home, and without wasting time, the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes, same old customers. Good night Mr. Williams"
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would not compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. I was hoping that they would show up again."
Anna One, Anna Two
Anna one, Anna two!
Murphy calls in to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!"
"Hold on - I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily, the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened....you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog..."
with three bullets to her womb. Miraculously she and all her children survived. However, a bullet had embedded in each of the three children. The doctor decided it would be best to leave the bullets. A few months later she gives birth to two beautiful daughters and a son, with no health complication.
~~~13 years later ~~~
The mother had decided that it would be best for the children if she never told them about the shooting. One day when one of her daughters was using the washroom she peed out the bullet. She freaked out and ran to her mother, "Mom, mom I was just using the washroom and I peed out a bullet, what is going on?!" And the mom decided it was time to come clean. "I was shot 13 years ago, and a bullet has embedded in you and your brother and sister..." A few days later her other daughter comes running "Mom, mom I was just using the washroom and I peed out a bullet, what is going on?!" and the mother responded "I was shot 13 years ago, and a bullet has embedded in you and your brother and sister..." A few days, not to the mothers surprise her son came running "Mom, mom..." "Wait, let me guess , interrupted the mother, you were using the washroom and you peed out a bullet?" "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"
The first night, he ate dinner over the McNally's house. The table was set and before everyone ate, they all said a prayer.
On the second night, he ate dinner at the Goldman's house. The table was set and before anyone ate, they all said a prayer.
On the third night, little Little Jimmy went over the Vitali's house. Mamma Vitali and her daughters set the table and immediately everyone started to eat.
Shocked, Jimmy asks his friend Anthony,
"Hey Anthony, how come you guys don't pray before you eat?
Anthony replies with a mouth full of pasta,
"We're Italian, my mom knows how to cook!"
One of them goes up to him one day and says, "Daddy, why was I named Rose?" The dad replies, "Because when you were born, a rose petal fell onto your head.
A second daughter asks him, "Daddy, why was I named Daisy?" And the dad replies, "Because when you were born, a daisy petal fell onto your head."
His last daughter says, "Guuuuaaaahuuugghhhhhppoakkk!" And the dad says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"
This was one of my favorites from middle school:
So a man has 3 daughters and he is sitting alone in his room one night.
His oldest daughter comes in and asks, "Dad, why did you name me Rose?" He responds, "Well when you were born a rose petal fell on your forehead."
She leaves and the second daughter walks in and asks "Dad, why did you name me Lily?" The Dad replies, "Well when you were born a lily petal fell on your forehead."
Finally, his youngest daughter enters. She is deformed and goes "AAARGGGHLLAHAH" to which the Dad says "Shut up Cinderblock."
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughters innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her daughter replies, " I am surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would not compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. I was hoping that they would show up again."
A father has decided that his three daughters were now old enough to understand the more serious things in life, so he called them one by one to his room.
When the first one came in, he took down his pants and asked if his daughter knew what it was. His daughter replied, "Yes daddy, that's a penis." Shocked that his daughter already knows so much, he grounded his daughter for a week.
He called his second daughter in and also took down his pants. When he asked if she knew what it was, she also replied, "Yes daddy, that's a penis." Needless to say, he also grounded her for one week.
He called his last daughter into the room, took down his pants, and asked if she knew what it was. She replied "No, daddy, what is it?" The father was happy, knowing that his daughter is pure.
"My good daughter, this is a penis." He says, starting his talk, but is is interrupted by his daughter saying,
"You call that a penis?"
who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello there girls, your dad sent me up here to fuck ya both."
"Fuck off you liar!"
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fucking one?"
Mick says, "how you doin?"
Paddy says, "Okay, do me a favour mate. Run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's 19 years old twin daughters lying on the bed. He says, " your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, " get away with ya....prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fucking one?"
They were all going on their first date at the same time. The farmer, being protective of his daughters, grabbed a shotgun and stood by the door. The first guy came to the door and said
"Hi, my names Joe, I'm here for Flo, we are going to the show, is she ready too go?"
The farmer thought he was ok, so they went out.
The next boy came and said
"Hi, my names Kenny, I'm here for Benny, we are going to Denny's, is she ready?
The farmer thought he was ok too, so they went off. The last boy came and said
"Hi, my names Chuck-"
The farmer shot him in the chest.
A trucker's wife sees 3 parrots for sale at $160, $150, and $10.
She asks, "Why is the last parrot so cheap?!" and the store owner replied
"It used to live in a whore house."
So the woman laughs and buys the parrot and gets home. When she enters, the parrot says
"WOW, a new whore house!"
Later, the woman's two daughters arrive and the parrot says
"Damn! Two new gals just got hired!"
They all laugh and go to have dinner, which is when the father comes home. The parrot says
"Hey Dave! I see you found the new spot!"
As he was laying on his deathbed he told his caretaker, Steve, to bring him his socks from downstairs since his feet were cold and he wanted to be as comfortable as possible. Steve went downstairs and saw John's two daughters on the couch. He went up to them and said:
''Your father wont't make it, and his last dying wish is for me to have sex with you.''
Not believing him, the two girls asked for proof.
''John, both of them?''
''Of course both of them you fucking moron!''
The farmer, being protective over his daughters, decided to meet their dates at the door with his shotgun. The doorbell rang, and the farmer answered the door.
He was met with a boy, who said: "Hi! My name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show. Is she ready to go?"
The farmer looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next boy arrived: "My name's Eddy, I'm here for Betty. We're gonna get some spaghetti. Is she ready?"
The farmer felt that this one was okay too, so he sent them on their way.
The final date arrived, the farmer opened the door: "Hi, my name is Chuck".
And the farmer shot him.
A red-head walks into her daughter's room and finds a bottle of beer under her daughter's bed and says "I didnt know my daughter drank." a brunet walks into her daughters room and finds a pack of cigarettes under her daughter's bed and says "I didn't know my daughter smoked." A blonde walks into her daughter's room and finds a box of condoms under her daughter's bed and says "I didn't know my daughter had a dick."
The Chief says:"alright, but first I want to test if you are serious." He points to the three tents in front of them and says:"I want you to complete three tasks.
(1)In the first tent there are 10 bottles of whiskey, I want you to drink them all. (2)Then go into the second tent where you can find a bear. I want you to give me his ear.
(3)Then go into the last tent, where you will find one of my daughters. I want you to turn her into a woman by having sex with her."
The cowboy agrees to the terms and goes into the first tent. He manages to drink the bottles and stumbles to the second tent..A lot of noise, growling of the bear and screams of the cowboy can be heard... The chief surely thinks he is now rid of the cowboy.. however, he manages to walk out of the second tent. On his way to the third one he can be heard saying:"alright, let's cut off this woman's ear."
When asked why the president said, "Because I just made Mitt Romney my bitch"
- from Conan last night
Approaching him, one Cowboy says Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?
The Indian says Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around two miles per hour .
Wow! Exclaimed the cowboys in unison. You can tell all that by listening to the ground?
Nuh-uh. Ran over me half an hour ago .
They all live in a pretty casual house.
One day, one of his daughters came into his room and said: "Um, hey Dad, I'm lesbian."
Fuming, he sends her to her room angrily.
Then comes his 2nd daughter: "Um, hey Dad, I'm lesbian too"
The father is now angrier than humanly possible, right then, the 3rd daughter came in: "Um, hey Dad, I'm also lesbian..."
With all the might he can, he shouts: "DOES NOBODY IN THIS DAMNED HOUSE LIKE BOYS?!"
In comes his son: "Um, hey Dad..."
Anna 1 Anna 2 Anna 3 Anna 4
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper.Then she pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When her husband gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
A farmer has three daughters who all have a date on the same night.
The first guy comes to pick up his date and says "Hi, I'm Joe. I came to get Flo. We're gonna go to the show, can she go?" The farmer calls Flo down and they leave.
The second guy shows up: "Hi, I'm Eddie. I came to get Betty. We're gonna go get spaghetti, is she ready?" the farmer calls Betty down and they go.
The third guy shows up: "I'm Chuck. I came in my truck..."
The farmer shoots him.
"What are your date plans?", the mother asks the daughters.
"I'm going out with Pete; we are going to eat" says the first daughter.
"Great! have fun" says the mom
"I'm going with Lance. We are going to dance" says the second daughter.
"Have a ball!" says the mother
"I'm going out with Chuck" says the third daughter
"NO YOU'RE NOT" yells the mother
So he could yell "Anna 1, Anna 2!"
One day a father and his two daughters, Petal and Fridge, were having a picnic. Petal curiously asks her father; "Daddy, why is my name Petal?" to which he replies; "Well honey on the day you were born a petal from a beautiful flower slowly fell through the air and landed right on your forehead. Your mother and I thought the name fit you perfectly." Then Fridge asks; "BRAW WAW AAWWW OOWWW AHH AAWA?"
A man and woman live in a two story house and sleep on the second floor. At 3 a.m. they're awakened by a knock at the front door. The man goes to the window, opens it and looks down but can't see anyone.
"Who's out there?" he asks.
A voice says, "Please help me. I need a push."
"I'm sorry," the man says. "I'm not leaving my house at this hour."
He gets back into bed. His wife says, "Honey, don't you remember when our daughters were stuck in that bad part of Oakland at 3 in the morning, and if that stranger didn't give them a jumpstart, they would been there for hours?"
"Yeah, you're right," the man says. He gets out of bed and returns to the window. "Are you still down there?" he asks.
"Yes."
"Do you still need that push?"
"Yes."
"Where are you?" the man asks.
"I'm over here on your swings."
Anna 1
Anna 2
Anna 3
Anna 4
Anna 1, Anna 2
There was once a farmer who had three teenage daughters. On prom night, a young boy rang his doorbell.
**Reggie:** My name's Reggie, I'm here to pick up Betty, we're going to go eat some spaghetti, is she ready?
He told his Betty that someone was there to pick her up and they left.
A while later, there someone else rang the doorbell.
**Joe:** My name's Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo, we're going to watch a show, is she ready to go?
So he told Flo and they left.
A bit later, there was yet another boy at his door. He said:
**Chuck:** My name's Chuck...
And the farmer shot him.
is sitting down for dinner when the first of his daughters asks, "dad why is my name Daisy?". The father replies, "because when you were born a daisy petal from the sky and landed on your head."
The second daughter asks, "dad why is my name Rose?" The father replies, "Well Rose, when you were a baby a rose petal fell from on high and landed on your head."
The third daughter asks, "bllaaarrarararraraaarg" and the father replies, "shut up, cinder-block"
When one of his daughters walks in and asks "Daddy.. why is my name Rose?" The father replys "Because when you were born, we dropped a rose petal on your face." The second daughter barges in and asks "Daddy why Is my name Daisy?" The father replys "Because when you were born, we dropped a daisy petal on your face." The third daughter stumbles through the door and exclaims "DUR HERM DER BAHRRRR!?!?!" The father jumps out of his chair and yells "SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK!!!"
The brunette says, " I was going through my daughter's room the other day and I found cigarettes! I can't believe she's smoking." To which the red head replies, "Well I was going through my daughter's room and found a bottle of rum! I can't believe she's drinking." The blonde chimes in, "That's nothing. I was going through my daughter's room and found condoms. I can't believe she has a penis!"
"Oh, new brothel, new dames...cooool ".After a while the daughters come home. The parrot:" Oh, new brothel, new hookers...cooool. "After a while husband comes home. The parrot: "oh, new brothel, new hookers, old friends...hello Bob."
An old had three pretty teenage daughters of whom he was very protective. He used to sit on the front porch, shotgun in hand, and run his eye over any potential suitors. If he didn't like the look of them, he'd send them on their way.
One night, all three girls were due to go out on dates. The first's boyfriend drove up and announced: "Hi, my name is Joe, I'm here to get Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The old man decided that the boy sounded OK and he gave his blessing for the date.
Ten minutes later, amother car pulled up. The driver called out: "Hi, my name is Freddy, I'm here to get Betty, we're going for spaghetti, is she ready?" The old man thought the boy was decent enough, so he gave him permission for the date.
Ten minutes later, a third car arrived. The driver called out: "Hi, my name is Chuck..." And the old man shot him.
They decide they want one more child. Sure enough, nine months later they have a fifth. Overjoyed when he can finally see it, the man looks at it in the nursery of the hospital, and it is the ugliest child he has ever seen in his life. He talks to his wife and says, "There is no way that child is mine! We have four beautiful daughters! Have you been cheating on me?"
She says "Not this time, honey."
A blond, brunette, and a red head decide to see what their daughters carry in their purses.
The brunette opens up her daughter's purse and finds a pack of cigarettes and says OMG my daughter smokes I'm so ashamed.
The red head opens her daughter's purse and finds a crushed beer can and says I'm so ashamed my daughter drinks.
The blond opens her daughter's purse and finds a used condom and she replies omg I'm so ashamed my daughter has a penis!
The brunette mom says, "I was going through my daughters room the other day and found a bottle of vodka, I can't believe my daughter drinks!"
The red head mom says, " that's nothing, I was going through my daughters room the other day and found a bag of Marijuana, I can't believe my daughter does drugs!"
The blonde mom says, "I got that beat. I was going through my daughters room the other day and found a box of condoms, I can't believe my daughter has a penis!"
A man has three daughters and they all have dates on the same night. Now he's a protective father so he sets his shotgun by the door in case he thinks they're too shifty.
The first guy walks in and says, "Hey, I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo, is she ready to go?"
The dad thinks, all right, this guy seems okay and lets Flo go out.
Second guy comes and says, "Hey, I'm Freddy, here to pick up Betty, is she ready?"
Dad thinks, okay, this guy seems okay; so he lets Betty go.
Third guy comes in and says, "Hey, my name's Chuck-" BOOM goes the shotgun.
"I don't know, can you?"
I'm so proud.
Anna one, Anna two
A farmer, Bill, finds out that his three daughters all have dates on the same night. Being protective, as a father is of his girls, he does the respectable thing, and walks to the door each time with his shotgun. At 7pm, the doorbell rings. Bill answers the door and asks the boy there what he wants. The boy nervously says "Hello sir, I'm Eddie. I've come to get Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?" Bill decides this boy has good intentions and lets Betty go out. At 8pm, the doorbell rings again. Again, Bill walks to the door with his shotgun and questions the boy. He answers "Hello sir, my name is Lance, and I've come to take Nance to the dance. The theme is Paris, France". Bill decides that Lance is also a nice boy and lets them go on their way. Finally, at 9pm, the doorbell rings as his last daughter's date arrives. Bill opens the door and sees a delinquent-looking kid. He asks him what he plans to do with his daughter. The boy replies "Hey Pops, the name's Chuck, and I like to-"
And Bill shot Chuck.
Suddenly, the bank gets robbed. She gets shot 3 times. Quickly she's being rushed to the hospital. There she learns her unborn babies survived. A few months later she bears 3 children, 2 daughters and a son. Each one has a bullet in them. The doctor tells her they'll pee it out eventually.
13 years later one of her daughters runs over screaming to her. "Mommy mommy I went to pee and a bullet came out of me". She then proceeds to explain the whole ordeal. The same happens with her second daughter.
Then her son comes running over with a startled look on his face. "I see what happened, you pee'd and a bullet came out of you.", said the mother. "No, I was masturbating and I accidentally shot the dog."
...one day, Petal skips over to her Dad and asks,"Daddy, why am I called Petal?" He lifts her onto his lap, and explains, "Well darling, when you were born, and as I held you in my arms, a petal floated down gently onto your forehead, so we decided to name you Petal."
Butterfly overhears this and asks, "The why am I called Butterfly?" He lifts her onto his lap and explains, "Well darling, when you were born, as I held you in my arms, a butterfly flew down, and landed on your head, so we decided to name you Butterfly".
Breezeblock overhears this and asks, "ERRRGGGHJAAARRGGVYYYBBLLUURRRRRRRR"
One day, three daughters were spending time with their father when a question arised from the first daughter.
"Father, Why is my name, Rose?", she asked.
"When you were born, a Rose dropped on your head, and so we decided to name you Rose", explained the father.
The second daughter then approached her father:
"Father, Why is my name Daisy?" - she asked.
"When you were born, a Daisy fell on your head, and therefore we decided to name you Daisy."
Lastly, the third daughter then approached her father:
"duuuuh, uh, duh, bur bur, mur duh ah"
The father then replied: "Shut up Cinderblock."
A man goes to visit an old friend, who has moved to another country and started a family. They haven't seen each other since school.
His old friend picks him up at the airport, and they go back to the house. When they get inside, the friend introduces the man to his three daughters.
This is Joy says his friend. We called her that because she was such a happy baby, always giggling and smiling.
This is Morose he continues. She was very quiet as a child, always observing the world around her
Before he can introduce his third daughter, the phone rings. The friend apologizes, and tells his friend,
Listen, I have to go into work quickly. Please, make yourself at home. I will be back in an hour
So the man sits down, and the third daughter comes over and starts laughing maniacally. Without warning, she starts stripping off. She starts rubbing herself all over him, and before they know it, she's reaching for his zipper. Things escalate very quickly, and it's not long before they are having sex on the sofa.
Suddenly, the friend comes back into the house and sees the man and his daughter hard at it, and screams,
I know I told you to make yourself at home, but you're fucking Ridiculous!
3 mothers are sitting around the coffee table after their daughters have gone to school.
The first mother who is brunette says, "This morning I was looking in my daughters room and guess what I found? A bottle of alcohol, I cant believe my daughter is drinking!".
The next mother who is a redhead says, "Well guess what, I was looking through my daughters room and guess what I found? Cigarettes! I didnt know my daughter was smoking".
The third mother, who was a blonde says, "Well get this! I was looking through my daughters room and I found a condom! I had no idea my daughter had a penis."
There once was a farmer who was very overprotective of his three daughters.
Turned out that all of his daughters had dates that same night. So he went on to the porch with his shotgun and waited for the dates to come.
The first boy came and said, "*Hi, I'm Freddy. I'm here for Betty to go out for spaghetti. Is she ready?*"
The farmer thought he was decent and let him go with his daughter.
The second boy came and said, "*Hello, I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo to go see a show. Is she ready to go?*"
The farmer thought he was decent as well and let them go on their date.
The last boy came and said, "*Hi, I'm Chuck-*"
*BANG!*
First daughter..... Guy knocks on the door and says "Hi I'm Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo and take her to a show is she ready to go?" Second daughter.... Guy knocks on the door and says, "hi I'm Eddie I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going to eat spaghetti. Is she ready?" Third daughter.... Guy knocks on the door and says "hi my name is CHUCK!" Dad promptly slams the door!!!!
There was once a farmer who had three daughters who all decided to go on their first date at the same time.
The farmer being protective of his daughters, decided to meet all their suitors at the front door with a shotgun.
The doorbell rang and the father answered the door. The lad said "Hi my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show. Is she ready to go?"
The father looked him over, decided he seemed like a nice guy, and sent the kids on their way.
The second guy comes and rings the doorbell. The father answers the door and the guy says "Hi My name is Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're going to get some spaghetti. Is she ready?"
The father looks him over and decides this one's ok too. So he sends them on their way.
The third guy comes and he rings the doorbell. The father answers the door again. The young man starts. "Hi! My name is Chuck!" and the farmer shot him.
1. What their sons download
2. What their daughters upload
Paddy had broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "how you doin?"
Paddy says, "Okay, do me a favour mate. Run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's 19 years old twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, " your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, " get away with ya....prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fucking one?"
Three moms were talking about their daughters over coffee one afternoon. Mom 1 says, "I was putting laundry in my daughters dresser and found a bottle of vodka! And I didn't even know she drinks!"
Mom 2 says, "Well I was cleaning out my daughters closet and found a pack of cigarettes! And I didn't even know she smokes!"
Mom 3 says, "I was cleaning under my daughters bed and found a box of condoms! And I didn't even know she had a dick!"
The first daughter came up to him and said, "Dad, why is my name daisy?"
He replies, "because when you were born a daisy fell on your head."
The second daughter comes up to him and asks the same, "Dad, why is my name lily?"
"When you were born, a lily pad fell on your head."
The third daughter walks up to him and says, "MAUUUNGUNNFFFAUUUUUUU!"
"Shut up Brick!"
A woman is pregnant with triplets and is walking into a bank.
On her way in a burglar is leaving the bank and shoots her 3 times in the stomach.
Luckily 3 healthy children were born: 2 girls and a boy.
Over 13 years later one of her daughters runs into the room screaming and crying. "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy! I was peeing and I pissed out a bullet!"
The mother calmed her down. She told her the amazing story of her survival and the daughter walked away happy.
It wasn't long before her second daughter came into the room screaming all the same. "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy! I was peeing and I pissed out a bullet!"
The mother calmed her down all the same and off the 2nd daughter went.
Finally her son came running into the room. He was screaming his head off and tears running down his face. "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!"
The mother quickly replied "Were you peeing and pissed out a bullet?"
The son says:
"No. I was jacking off and I shot the dog!!"
who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure enough, nine months later, delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child: "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
The man asks his friend to bring his slippers from his room. On his way, the friend see's the man's two daughters. With a quick wit, he says: "Your father has sent me here to fuck you to.". The two girls, of course, protest. They ask, "How so, that's impossible. He'd never say such a thing!".
Thus, the friend yells out the window to his friend. "Both of them?"
"Yes, both of them. Both of them!"
And one day his oldest daughter came up to him and asked, "Daddy, why is my name Lily?"
The man replied, "Because that's the first thing that fell on your head when you were born, sweetheart." The daughter thanked him and ran off.
Later, the middle daughter came up to him and said, "Daddy, why is my name Rose?"
The man replied, "Because that's the first thing that fell on your head when you were born, sweetheart." Again, his daughter thanked him and ran off.
Later, the last daughter came up to him, and said, "Uhhhouahhhaauma."
The man said, "Shut up, Cinder Block."
The woman starts crying.
"How can this happen? I've given her everything. Why did she do this to me? She can't be serious about this. She's in 9th grade for gods sake. How does she not know how to spell virginity?"
One day a girl comes up to her mom and asks her, "Mother, why did you name me Rose?"
"Because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head."
Her second daughter comes up to her and asks, "Mother, why did you name me Daisy?"
"Because when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head."
The third daughter comes up to her and asks, "GHLSARGHLARGHLARG."
"What did you say Brick?"
The first daughter comes up to him and asks "daddy, why is my name rose?" To which the dad replies "Because, sweetie, when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head!". Later the second daughter comes and says, "Father, why is my name violet?" And the dad replies
"Because, cutie, when you were born, a violet petal fell onto your head!" Then the third daughter goes up to the dad and yells "aghurGETRWRKshhhlishhmuh!" And the dad snaps back "SHUT UP, CINDERBLOCK!"
3 Parrots for sale, £100, £200 and £15 a women asks ''why is one parrot so cheap? The shopkeeper replys ''cos it used to live in a brothel'' the women thinks its funny , so buys the parrot. When she gets home the parrot says ' flipin heck a new brothel'' the women laughs. Her two daughters come home the parrot says 'flipin heck new prozzies'' the girls laugh. The husband comes home and the parrot says bloody hell OP, I ain't seen you for weeks!!
They both lick their paw.
....And she's at the mall one day. A man comes out of no where and shoots her three times in the stomach. The woman is rushed to the hospital, and miraculously, all three babies survive. She gives birth to two daughters and a son, all without any problems for the first 16 years.
After these 16 years go by, the mother is downstairs one day doing dishes and one of the daughters comes running downstairs, screaming and crying bloody murder. "MOM, MOM!!! I was peeing and something hard and metal came out, it looked like a bullet or something..."
The mother calms her down and says, "Don't worry sweetie, I can explain why..." And proceeds to tell her the story of what happened all those years ago.
Shortly after, the second daughter comes running down the stairs screaming and crying, "MOM, I was peeing, and something solid came out of me..." The mom then explains the same thing to her and peace is restored once again.
Soon after, the son comes running down the stairs panicking. The mother asks "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"
The son shouts "Hell no, I was playing with myself and I shot the dog!"
A boy knocks on the door and says "I'm Eddie and I'm here to take Betty for spaghetti."
The farmer calls Betty and she goes on her date with the young man.
Another boy knocks on the door and says to the farmer "I'm Joe and I'm here to take Flo to the show".
The farmer calls Flo downstairs and the two go to the show.
A third boy then knocks on the front door and says "I'm Chuck..." and the farmer shoots him.
So a widowed man had a triplet. He had three daughters, two of them extremely beautiful and the third, an ugly, daughter that was retarded.
One day the first daughter asks, "Daddy why is my name Rose?" to which the father responds, "Because when you were a little baby a rose petal fell on your head."
A couple days later, the second daughter asks, "Daddy, why is my name Lily?" The father tells her "Because when you were a little baby a lily petal fell on your head."
Then the third daughter goes to her father and says "Durr DUURR DURR?" and the father responds by saying "SHUT THE FUCK UP CINDERBLOCK!!!"
A lady pregnant with triplets, went to the bank to deposit a check, while depositing the check a man came into the bank and robbed it. During the robbery he shot the pregnant lady three times in the stomach. After consulting with the doctors they told her that the kids were alright and in 15 years they will piss out the bullet. The lady has two daughters and a son, 15 years pass by. The first daughter comes up to the mom and says "Mom I pissed out a bullet." So the mom explains the story, the second daughter comes up and the same thing happens again. Finally the son comes up and the mom asks "What did you piss out a bullet?" To which the son replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog".
They each had a date, so on the porch he would wait to ask the men some questions.
With his shotgun nearby up came the first guy and introduced himself to the farmer.
"Hello, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo to see a show, is she ready to go?"
The farmer gave a sigh and waved goodbye as the second date had arrived.
"My name is Eddie, I'm here for Betty to go eat spaghetti, is she ready?"
With another sigh he waved goodbye as the third date had arrived.
"Hi, My name is Chuck-"
And the farmer shot him.
The daughters won 27-3.
Priced at £170, £150 and £10.
A woman asks the shopkeeper "Why is that parrot so cheap?"
The shopkeeper replies "Because it used to live in a brothel."
The woman finds this amusing so she buys the parrot. On returning home the parrot takes in its new surroundings and says "Fuck me, a new brothel!". The woman laughs.
A few hours later, her two daughters come home and the parrot pipes up once more "Fuck me, new girls!". The woman and her daughters both laugh.
Later that evening, the woman's husband comes in from work and once more the parrot ejaculates, this time saying "Fuck me Keith, long time no see!"
Three brothers are traveling along a road, and their car dies. They all get out of the car, and start walking to a barn that's a little ways away. When they get their, the farmer comes out of the barn, and offers them a room for one night. He says to the first one, "You can sleep with the pigs," the second guy," you can sleep with the cows", and the third guy, "I like the cut of your jib. You can sleep with my 18 daughters." The next morning, he asks everyone how they slept. The first man said, "I slept like a pig." The second man said ,"I slept like a cow." The third guy said, "I slept like a rabbit. I jumped from hole, to hole, to hole."
The brunette says I was cleaning my daughters room the other day, and I found a bottle of alcohol under her bed. I didn't even know she drank!
The redhead says, well when I was cleaning my daughters room the other day, I found a pack of cigarettes under her bed. I didn't even know she smoked!
The blonde says you guys won't believe this. when I cleaned my daughters room the other day, I found a used condom under her bed. I didn't even know she had a dick!
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
I think she misunderstood because now we have twin daughters from the mailman.
A fellow stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my shoes please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me up here to make love to you!"
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"
He replies, "OK, let's check!"
He shouts down the stairs to his friend, "Both of them?"
The reply comes back, "Yes, both of them!"
...It's quite practical, she said, if I need to wake them up I just shout "wake up Jamie!". If I need them to eat I just say "Jamie! Dear, dinner is ready!". They all obey simultaneously.
The interviewer asks "So how do you refer to them when you need to speak to one of them specifically?"
Easy - she replied - I call them by their lastname!
One day, a little girl ran up to her Father.
"Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!! Why did you call me Rose?"
The father smiled and picked her up on his knee.
"You see, when you were born, and we brought you home, the first thing that touched your head was a rose petal. So we decided to call you rose." The little girl smiled sweetly and giggled.
"That's sweet daddy! Thank you!" She rushes off as her sister runs up to her Father.
"Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!! Why did you call me Sunflower?"
The father smiled and picked her up on his knee.
"You see, when you were born, and we brought you home, the first thing that touched your head was a sunflower seed. So we decided to call you Sunflower." The little girl smiled sweetly and giggled.
"That's sweet daddy!! Thank you!" As the little girl toddled off, her sister ran up.
"gyshYgsgdhhfocksnIAJDKF!!" The dad looked at her and said:
"Shut up, Cinder Block, and go back to your room!!"
are sitting at home on a Saturday evening.
There is a knock at the door. The father answers to a young man.
Hi, my name is Lance, I'm here for Nance. We're going to the dance.
Nance left with Lance.
15 minutes later, another young man knocks at the door.
Hi, my name Joe and I'm here for Flo. We're going to watch the show.
Flo left with Joe
A third young man arrives.
Hi, my name is Chuck- the father shot Chuck
Anna One, Anna Two, Anna Three, Anna Four
Guess you could say that makes him a stable Genius.
Obviously he is a little worried, so he asks for the three guys to come to his house so that he can see that his daughters are in good hands.
The first guy comes along. He says, Hey I'm Jake and I want to take your daughter out for steak.
The father thinks that this guy has good intentions and lets the two date.
The second guy comes along. He says, Hi I'm Will and I want your daughter to see a fine film.
The father thinks that this guy has good intentions and lets the two date.
The third guy comes along. Hey I'm Chuck...
Father: Get out!
There's a man with three daughters.
The first daughter comes up and says "Daddy why'd you name me Daisy" the dad says" 'cause when you were born a daisy fell on your head."
The second daughter comes up and says "Daddy why'd you name me Rose" the dad says "'cause when you were born a rose fell on your head."
The third daughter comes up and says "kjaglifvgjlfj" the dad says "SHUTUP CINDERBLOCK"
*Edit 1: removed hair color
A blonde, brunette & redhead are sitting around a table.
The brunette says, I was cleaning out my daughters room and found a pack of cigarettes. I was shocked I didn't know she smoked.
The redhead said, I was doing the same thing in my daughters room and I found a bottle of gin. I was shocked I didn't know my daughter drank.
The blonde said wow that is amazing I was cleaning my daughters room too, and I found a condom. I was shocked, I didn't know my daughter has a penis.
Mick says, "How you doin'?"
"Okay," Paddy says, "but do me a favour will ya, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed.
Paddy says to them, "Your da's sent me up here to have sex with the both of ye."
They say, "Get away with ya... ya dirty bastard, prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of 'em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"
He spends all day from dawn till dusk working his little farm to provide for his sick wife and 12 daughters.
Every night he kneels by the side of his bed and prays. 'Dear Lord, I'm a good catholic just trying to do right, please oh Lord could I win the lottery?'
For years and years Paddy struggles on, ekeing a meagre existence from his tiny farm, attending church every sunday, nursing his sick wife and teaching his 12 daughters how to live moral lives.
And every night still, he kneels by the side of his bed and begs the lord to please let him win the lottery.
One night, he is kneeling and praying like usual, when suddenly the sky bursts into golden light, a glorious chorus of angels sing and winged cherubs strum harps as the lord himself appears to Paddy.
'PADDY,' Gods deep voice booms.
With tears streaming down his face and his arms stretched towards the sky, Paddy shouts 'YES MY LORD!'
'BUY A TICKET.'
Was sitting on his couch one day when his oldest daughter comes up to him and asks, dad why did you rose? He replies, well when you were born me and your mother took you to the park and a rose petal fell on you forehead, so we decided to name you rose. She accepts this and goes on her way. A little while latter another daughter comes to him and asks " dad why did you name me daisy"? The man replies " well when you were born we took you to the park and a daisy petal fell on your forehead so we named you daisy" she accepts his answer and leaves. Time goes by and his last daughter come to him and asks " Daud wha oo mam meeee cebernok"? Confused the man asked "what did you say cinder block"
A father and his three daughters are sitting in the living room, when one of the daughters walks up to her father and says, "Daddy, why did you name me Rose?" he replies "Because when u were born a rose petal fell on your forehead". The second daughter walks up to her father and says, "Daddy, why did you name me Violet?" he replies "Because when you were born a violet petal fell on your forehead". The third daughter says "AAAAUUURRRGGHHH!!" and the father says "SHUT UP, CINDERBLOCK!!"
A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.
He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
His wife confessed, "Not this time."
There was a cow that had three calfs. One day one of her daughters approaches her with a question, "Mother why did you name me Rose?" "Well when you were born a rose flew down upon your head." So Rose leaves her mother. Then her other daughter approached her with a question, "Mother why is my name Daffodil?" "Well when you were born a daffodil flew down upon your head." So Daffodil left her mother. Then her only son approached his mother. "Darrefnginclea!" "Oh shut up brick!"
Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 1234...
Two women ran into the court of King Solomon, fighting. "My daughter was to marry this man, but this woman claims that the man was to marry HER daughter!" one of them yelled.
"There is a simple solution," said the King. "I shall cut the man in two and each of your daughters can have a piece."
"Fine by me!" said the first woman. "No, don't, I would rather let the other girl marry him than that!" cried the second.
The King didn't hesitate for a minute. "Fine." he said. "The first woman my have him."
"What?" protested the other? "She wanted him cut in two!" "Indeed." said the king. "She shows the true spirit of a mother-in-law!"
-You know - says the Englishman - I have 10 sons. That is almost a soccer team.
-That's nothing. - says the Irishman - I have 14 sons. That is almost a rugby team.
-Well - says the Scotsman - I have 17 daughters. That is almost a golf course.
And so he invites their dates to his home, where he waited at the door with a shotgun.
When the first guy knocked on the door, the farmer opens it and the guy says, "Hi, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to a show. Is she ready to go?"
The farmer thinks for a bit, then he lets them go.
When the second guy knocked on the door, the farmer opens it and the guy says, "Hi, my name is Eddie, I'm here for Betty. We're going to get some spaghetti. Is she ready?"
The farmer thinks for a bit, then he lets them go.
When the third guy knocked on the door, the farmer opens it and the guys says, "Hi, my name is Chuck."
So the farmer shot him.
:(
The pig has an artificial leg.
The guy walks up to the farmer and says "Wow, I've never seen a pig with an artificial leg before."
The farmer points to a house across the road and says "See that house? That's my house. We had a fire about a month ago. That pig came in and rescued me, went back in and rescued my wife, and then went back in and rescued my two daughters."
The guy says, "Wow, that's amazing. So he burned his leg and had to get a fake one?"
The farmer said, "No. But you don't eat a pig like that all at one time."
A tribe of cannibals captures them. The chief says he will grant them one last thing before they are eaten. The first man asks for a woman to pleasure him. So the chief brings one of his daughters to pleasure the man. Then the tribe skins him, eats him, and uses his skin for a canoe. The second man asks for a drink to numb his mind before they eat him. So the chief brings him their strongest drink and he passes out drunk. Then the tribe skins him, eats him, and uses his skin to make a canoe. The third man asks for a fork before they eat him. The chief is confused but brings him a fork. The man starts stabbing himself all over and yells "YOURE NOT MAKING A CANOE OUT OF ME!"
The brunette says, "I found a pack of cigarettes in my daughter's nightstand. I didn't know she smoked."
The redhead says, "I found a fifth of vodka in my daughter's nightstand. I didn't know she drank."
The blonde says, "I found a pack of condoms in my daughter's nightstand. I didn't know she had a penis."
The first daughter asks her dad, "Dad, why is my name Daisy?"
He smiles and replies, "Because when you were born, a Daisy fell on your head, and we thought that name fit you best."
His second daughter asks, "Dad, why is my name Rose?"
He smiles again and tells her, "Well, when you were born, a Rose petal fell on your head, and it seemed like Rose was a great name for you."
His third daughter says, "Dad nughahguduhfugh ah guh."
"Shut up, Cinderblock"
A daughter asks her mom, "Why is my name Rose?"
The Mom replies "because when you were born the wind blew a rose onto your head
The second daughter asks her mom, "Why is my name Lilly?"
The mom replies, "Because when you were born a Lilly fell on your head"
The Last daughter goes up to her mom and goes "Blaoddttuaiweeeioosnsns"
And her mom goes "Shut up Cinderblock"
His friend asks him to go upstairs and get his slippers.
Paddy goes upstairs and finds Riely's 19 year old daughters lying naked on their bed.
He says "your Dad sent me up here too have sex with both of you"
"Oh yeah? Prove it" they reply.
So Paddy yells down stairs "both of them"
Riely yells back "of course both of them, what's the point of fucking one!"
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $5.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
She asks "How come one is only $15?"
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
Anna one... Anna two
Because he used to live in a brothel says the shopkeeper. She pays $15
When she gets home the parrot says Fuck me, a new brothel! The women laughs.
When her daughters gets home from school the parrot says Fuck me, two new prozzies! The girls laugh as well.
When the dad gets home the parrot says Fuck me Ken, I haven't seen you in weeks!
He realizes that it's her birthday while driving home from work. Frantically he pulls over at the first toy store he sees and runs inside. He runs up to the clerk and says
"I need a present for my daughter, she likes dolls, do you have any?"
"Sure," the clerk says "we have plenty of barbies. We have Ballet Barbie for 19.95, Veteranarian Barbie for 19.95, Lawyer Barbie for 19.95, and Divorced Barbie for 195.95." The man screams,
"WHAT! Why is divorced Barbie so much more expensive?"
"Well, divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, house, and half of his money."
I have 5 sons. If I wanted to I could form my own basketball team.
Oh yeah? Well I have 11 sons. If I wanted to I could form my own football team.
The third one is in a pinch, since he was blessed only with daughters. But then he thinks of something to brag about.
Oh yeah? Well I have 18 wives.
The other two look at him wondering what sport needs 18 members in its team or how women can be involved. Then the answer comes.
If I wanted to I could form my own golf course.
One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses.
So, the brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes."
So, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."
So, finally, it's the blondes turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a penis."
Their son's dick starts tasting like blood
Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Daughters? Well, here are the best jokes about Daughters to have fun with.