A Flossiraptor
Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
A Sandy Eggo.
- Compliments of my cousin's 6 year old daughter (She says "Hi" by the way).
-
"Thanks for the Baghdad"
Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants."
"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?"
"When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"
Father: "Ask your sister.
Daughter: "I don't have a si-"
He said, NO!
I told him, She is Bill Gates' daughter.
He said, OK.
I called Bill Gates and said, I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates said, NO.
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.
Bill Gates said, OK.
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, NO.
I told him, My son is Bill Gates' son-in-law.
He said, OK.
This is how politics works.
The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"
Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.
Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".
The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."
Father: What the hell is going on in here?!
Daughter: Dad! Oh my god, I'm sorry!
Father: Hi Sorry, I'm Dad!
*the father turns to her boyfriend*
Father: Are you fucking sorry?
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...
I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly didn't stand a chance.
A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"
A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"
She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"
Daughter - Mommy, what was that?
Mom - (obviously didn't want her daughter to know what it was) It was just a bug honey. Don't worry about it.
*a few seconds of silence*
Daughter - Well that bug had a big dick.
A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.
when I brought my black girlfriend home to meet them, my wife and daughter wouldn't even talk to her!
"I've just had sex education in school today, Dad!
You lied to me!
You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday my boyfriend will die!"
I put down my paper: "Oh, he will sweetheart, he will.
Little girl: "Mommy, what's a Penis?
Mom: "Be a good girl and you'll get one when you grow up."
Little girl: But what if I'm a bad girl?"
Mom: "Then you'll get more."
I'll leave now.
Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.
her mom says "A WHAT"?!! The daughter says "a prostitute" then the mom says "thank god... I thought you said a Protestant"
Employee : Sir, you called me?
Boss : Yeah, I need you to go to the rest room and masturbate.
Employee : (After a few minutes) Done, sir. Anything else that you'd like me to do?
Boss : Do it again.
Employee : (after a few minutes) Done again, sir. Anything else?
Boss : Do it once more.
Employee : I'm really sorry sir, but I don't have any stamina left now. I can't do it anymore.
Boss : Very good, here are my car
keys, drop my daughter home.
I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.
I told her to sleep on it.
So I married her off to a stranger in order to secure an alliance with the French.
I shout, "Fuck! Seriously? I was going to eat that later, and now it's just going to taste like carrots!"
Daughter: Age is not that important to me.
Mom: That's not what I was talking about.
A retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken.
I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.
I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?"
"Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabbergasted.
"Well, neither would Pete,"
"where have you been in the last 20 years?"
Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.
My mom answered "Who?"
"Your daughter"
courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago
My teenage daughter came home in a rage.
'I've just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!'
I put down my paper: 'Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.'
That'll teach her to talk back.
A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"
A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"
She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"
I had feared this moment would come and didn't think it would come this soon but nevertheless I was prepared.
So I sat her down and explained it all. The birds and the bees, the different sexual orientations, all the positions and of course I had to mention all the STD's and the rules of safe sex.
When I finished she looked at me shocked and confused:
"So... which box should I check on this form? Male or Female?"
Daughter: Mom I got a new boyfriend, our neighbour Joe.
Mom: But he could be your father!
Daughter: Age is not that important to me.
Mom: That's not what I was talking about...
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