Dates Jokes
151 dates jokes and hilarious dates puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about dates that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh out loud with the best jokes about dates. From the humor of 50 First Dates to the deadline of due dates, learn how to make light of those nerve-wracking occasions. Use venues like Freddy’s to your advantage, and never be afraid to crack a few laughs.
Quick Jump To
- Short Dates Jokes
- Dates One Liners
- Due Dates Jokes
- 50 First Dates Jokes
- First Dates Jokes
- More Dates Jokes
Funniest Dates Short Jokes
Short dates jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dates humour may include short dated jokes also.
- My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel. My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.
- My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...
Well the jokes on them – they're imaginary too... - My Tinder bio says I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I'm paid to travel My dates are always upset when I tell them I'm a bus driver
- What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman? Getting her husband's voice just right
- I dated a girl in a wheelchair She broke up with me because I kept pushing her around.
I said, "why don't you stand up for yourself?" - I've been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it's starting to get serious. She asked me to move out with her.
- A man goes on a date Friend: 'How did your date go?'
Man: 'I talked too much about my obsession with simplifying fractions'
Friend: 'That wasn't a very good idea'
Man: 'Yeah, well hindsight is 1' - LPT: If you are planning to settle down, don't date a soccer player. There's only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.
- My son started dating a goalie for a women's soccer team and asked me what I thought of her. I said "Son, she's a keeper."
- My wife asked me, Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating? So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents' house.
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Dates One Liners
Which dates one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dates? I can suggest the ones about times and calendar.
- I dated a dentist a while back, She had the whitest teeth I ever came across.
- I'm starting a new dating service in Prague. It's called Czech-Mate.
- What is a a bisexual person doing when they're not dating anybody? They're on standbi
- What do Incel and excel have in common? Misinterpreting something as a date.
- I tried dating a cougar once. Turned out she was a cheetah.
- Tomorrow's date will be 11/11 Unless you're from the UK, in which case it'll be 11/11
- I once went on a blind date with a vegan I never met herbivore
- What's the oldest you can be to get a circumcision? I need to know the cutoff date.
- The reason why I only date black girls is because I don't like meeting dads.
- I had a date last night. It was perfect.
Tomorrow I'll try a grape. - On the perfect date, what question do you ask a girl twice? So... Can I come inside?
- What do you call a vampire out on a date? A neck romancer
- Baby Shark Today's date.
- I had a date tonight. It was pretty sweet. Next, I'm going to try a fig.
- My Chinese son was born before his due date We called him Sudden Lee
Due Dates Jokes
Here is a list of funny due dates jokes and even better due dates puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Chinese kid was born before the due date Parents named him Sudden Lee.
- Due to the current economic situation in the world, I've started a dating site for chickens. It's not my full-time job, I'm just doing it...
...to make hens meet. - I used to date my english teacher but she broke up with me due to incorrect use of the colon
- A chinese baby was born before due date His parents named him Earl Lee
- If tomorrow is not the due date Today is not the do date
- Professor: What inspired you to write this essay? .... the due date
- I heard there is a new dating app for paedophiles Kinder is due to be released shortly!
- A Japanese child was born before the due date. So they named him Sudden Lee.
- A Chinese couple had a baby boy before the due date They called him 'Sudden Lee'.
- They planned the date when the Burj Khalifa would be finished in advance... They wanted to know when it'd be due by
50 First Dates Jokes
Here is a list of funny 50 first dates jokes and even better 50 first dates puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Tonight I'm gonna watch some movies... I'll start with Big Daddy,
Then watch 50 First Dates,
And end the night with Billy Madison.
I call it - the Adam Sampler.
First Dates Jokes
Here is a list of funny first dates jokes and even better first dates puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My biggest fear, when I first started dating, was meeting the girl's father. But I mainly dated black girls, so it was never really an issue.
- On a first date last night my date asked, 'So, what do you do?' Frowning, I held up the menu and said 'you just choose something from this book of food'
- At a First Date Conversation At a first date:
He: I work with animals every day!
She: Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?
He: I'm a butcher. - I read that I should treat my wife like I did on our first date... ...so tonight I'm dropping her off at her parents.
- What My Girlfriend Thought on the First Four Dates 1) Good shirt.
2) Nice. A second good shirt.
3) OK, the first shirt again.
4) He has two shirts. - [First Date] Her: I'm usually attracted to men with power. Me: That's great, I always pay my electric bill on time.
- On a first date: Her - So what do you do?
Me - I am currently working on eliminating all cancers.
Her - Wow, that's impressive!
Me - Then I'll move onto Capricons. - I had my first date last night! Such an underrated fruit.
- I was out on a first date and the lady asked me if I was more of a cat person or a dog person. I said "I'm a vegetarian."
- Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparently she stood him up.
Cheerful Dates Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!
What funny jokes about dates you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean daytime jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make dates pranks.
A Milestone To Strive For In EVER Relationship.
My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman movie. Our dates thus far can now be summarized as followed.
Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN!
Three Guys Are Getting Ready For Their Dates
The first guy pops a breath mint for his date so his breath smells good. Then the second guy starts chewing some gum so his breath smells good. Then the last guy starts eating onions and garlic. The others say "Don't you want to have nice smelling breath for your date?"
"Nah" he says, "The lips I'm kissing tonight already stink."
Just checked the expiration dates on my TESCO burgers...
Aaaaaannnndddd They're OFF!
Why can't Indiana Jones find a long lasting relationship?
Bad dates.
Blind dates are the best
They don't even see me coming
I had a couple dates and one of them s**....
So I stopped seeing the other one.
I hate it when my dates try to start conversations
How on earth do you reply to "mppphhhhh mmmmmhhhh phhhhhmmmm"
My friend that only dates Asian girls just started dating his ex-girlfriend again
And I don't know if I should tell him.
To the guy with the friend who dates Asians....
Maybe he just needs some time to re-orient himself?
I cannot wait for my date tonight.
Dates really are the best part of ramadan
After four years I finally had to buy condoms again.
s**... expiration dates.
I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour...
On my last two dates the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had s**.... I can't quite place the brand but it had a distinct sharp peppery smell.
How to stop being intimidated by dates
Just think of them as big raisins.
You know what the number one leading cause of p**... is, right?
s**... kids.
(Pro Tip: I tell this to every single one of my First Dates. It's my Late 20s testing threshold for whether or not they'll tolerate me for very long.)
Culturally no one in alaska dates in the winter.
When asked why, one alaskan replied, "We try, but its hard to break the ice."
I decided to show off my six pack on Tinder.
Budweiser is not getting me any dates.
Man goes to a restaurant
Sits down at a table by himself and places a calender in front of him. The waiter ask why the calendar? Man replies "I didn't want to be alone so I brought some dates"
What never comes but always leaves?
My dates.
A box from IKEA came to my door, sent from this tourist girl I've been on two dates with.
I don't think she understood when I said I wanted a one-night stand
Dates are like golf strokes
The fewer it takes for you to score, the better your game.
A woman's three daughters are going out on dates...
"What are your date plans?", the mother asks the daughters.
"I'm going out with Pete; we are going to eat" says the first daughter.
"Great! have fun" says the mom
"I'm going with Lance. We are going to dance" says the second daughter.
"Have a ball!" says the mother
"I'm going out with Chuck" says the third daughter
"NO YOU'RE NOT" yells the mother
When a women dates a younger man she's called a cougar, when a man dates a younger woman he is called
Defendant.
Recently I'm having a lot of bad dates!
I've to try grapes now!
My X-ray technician told me she usually doesn't go on dates with her patients...
...but she saw something in me.
Not to brag, but I've already had two pretty sweet dates this weekend
I'm surprised how much they added to my smoothie.
I like my dates like I love Africa
Underdeveloped
Where does Hannibal Lecter take women on dates?
Chick Filet
What kind of dates do scientists like to be set up on?
Double blind
Some h**... get paid to go out on dates before s**..., and call it the "girlfriend experience."
Others t**... and humiliate you, then steal your wallet and car while you're t**....
That's called the "wife experience."
Since they don't get their hair cut, guys with dreads must save a lot of money
on dates.
When you see lovers names carved into a tree,
Do you think that's sweet, or do you worry that people bring knives on dates
I enjoy going on dates with different women. It's a lot of fun
If only my wife was that interesting.
I tried buying some frozen dates,
but the morgue was closed.
I always get my dates at midget s**... clubs
Those girls are the easiest to pick up
Why 6 was really afraid of 7
6 was just a normal girl, she met 7 on a dating app. They went out several times after that and a few dates later 7 proposed. 6 was ecstatic, they got married within the month and when they moved into a new house they quickly made friends with their neighbors, 9 and 10. 6 soon noticed strange behavior in 7, he was going out late at night to other people's houses. One night 6 saw 7 leave into the neighbors house. She decided to follow him in and was horrified. Blood stains led up to the darkened kitchen where she discovered some thing she could never unsee. 7 had done it. 7 8 9.
My friend told he was always chasing girls in the 90's...
Nowadays he dates women that are closer to his own age.
My dad had a strict rule where I couldn't go on dates if my age was on the clock...
I can't wait to be 61.
My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film. Our dates can be summarized as followed:
Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN
What is Jeffrey d**...'s favorite fruit?
Chopped Dates
Why are assassins so good at dates?
Because they know how to take someone out.
Why was the prune depressed?
He couldn't get dates.
The oldest British joke dates back to the 10th Century and reveals the b**... face of the Anglo-Saxons
What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?
Answer: A key.
Why does someone who weighs 143 lb get more dates than someone who weighs 144 lb?
Because they're not g**....
Why do crane operators seem to always get dates?
They have the strongest pick up lines.
When I see lover's names on trees, I don't think it is sweet.
I think why on earth do people bring knives on dates?
Where do West Virginians go for Blind Dates?
Olive Garden..when you're here you're family.
What is a serial killer's favourite muesli topping?
Chopped dates!!
(first joke I've ever come up with)
Programmers are so sexist...
They treat their dates as objects.
Why do programmers make terrible dates?
They take you out for Java and try to get you to bed.
To make matters worse, their skills in the bedroom is pretty BASIC so they only ever get a C++ rating.
it's the month of Ramadan right now ...
and I'm having at least two dates every night
I know a guy who has dates almost every day
He says they are part of his fruity diet.
Why do Cripples dates always go well?
They can't get stood up.
Reminiscing on our anniversary
My wife and I just had our 10th anniversary. We had some friends over to celebrate with and they asked us to talk about how we met. On our first 8 dates we just went out to different restaurants, but the next time we got tickets to see the premiere of The Dark Knight.
So I guess we could summarize our dating history as dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN!
Yes...First Computer was from Apple
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
The clairvoyant and her boyfriend got engaged after only two dates.
It was love at second sight, they said.
So my friend told me that any girl he dates has to know how to tightrope on heels, I thought he was joking but guess who he's dating now
No one
What do you call a girl that exclusively dates niceguys?
A beta tester.
Why is Stevie wonders calendar like meeting people on tinder?
It's all blind dates...
What's the difference between me and a calendar?
The calendar has dates.
c**... expiration dates are a little misleading
because I get sick no matter when I eat them.
Some of my friends go on Tinder dates just for free food
I guess you could call it food for thot.
I dates a jewish girl once
When she asked for my number, I said "We have names".
Why does the Grim Reaper go on so many dates?
He's deathperate
The first computer dates back to Adam & Eve
It was an apple with limited memory, just one byte, and everything crashed
I tell my dates I have a PhD in s**... talk.
They are not as impressed when learning my dissertation was on the "effects of female ultrasonic vocalization on male impotence in rats"
After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well...
During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the s**... play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.
An electrician installed two aeriels on the same roof . . .
The aeirels quickly fell in love, went on many dates and were soon married. The wedding went off without a hitch . . .
But there was no reception.
As a non-American, I love seeing Americans saying Happy 4th of July.
It's the only time Americans pronounce dates correctly.
A good project manager makes updates.
A bad project manager makes up dates.
Why are Pokemon considered manly in Peru?
It all dates back to the time of Macho-Pikachu
Dating these days as a Karen is hard, all of my dates act like teenagers.
What I is need is a MANager!
What's a calendar's favorite treat?
Dates!
(My first time posting here, but I was snacking on dates and this came to my mind)
Girl says she only dates 6 foot guys
I only have two feet :(
My tinder profile says
that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel.
My dates are always seem disappointed when they find out I'm a bus driver.
I was once in a pretty serious relationship with a cake
We went on several dates over the course of a few weeks. The chemistry was great and I thought we really had a connection. One special night I leaned in close to my cake and whispered, I love you."
The cake burst into tiers.
I always ask a funny question on first dates.
"Are you a serial killer? "
Its healthy to avoid competition in a relationship.
I went on a few dates with this girl with one wooden leg....
But it wasn't going well. So I broke it off.
There once was a pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
A farmer has 3 daughters, each has a date lined up for the night.
The farmer waits on the front porch for the dates to arrive, shotgun on hand.
The first date shows up and says "Hello sir, I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna go get some spaghetti, is she ready?". The farmer nods, and Eddy and Betty go on their way.
The next date shows up and says "Hi there, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're gonna see the show, is she good to go?". Again the farmer nods and Joe and Flo go on their way.
A while later the last date shows up and says "Sup man, I'm Chuck"
And the farmer shoots him.
