Date Jokes

170 date jokes and hilarious date puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about date that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Need a laugh? Check out this collection of funny jokes about first dates and blind dates. From Tinder to expirations, you'll find a joke about everyone's dating experiences. Whether you're a girl or a guy, these jokes are sure to get you laughing!

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Funniest Date Short Jokes

Short date jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The date humour may include short daytime jokes also.

  1. My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel. My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.
  2. My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...
    Well the jokes on them – they're imaginary too...
  3. My Tinder bio says I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I'm paid to travel My dates are always upset when I tell them I'm a bus driver
  4. What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman? Getting her husband's voice just right
  5. I dated a girl in a wheelchair She broke up with me because I kept pushing her around.
    I said, "why don't you stand up for yourself?"
  6. I've been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it's starting to get serious. She asked me to move out with her.
  7. A man goes on a date Friend: 'How did your date go?'
    Man: 'I talked too much about my obsession with simplifying fractions'
    Friend: 'That wasn't a very good idea'
    Man: 'Yeah, well hindsight is 1'
  8. LPT: If you are planning to settle down, don't date a soccer player. There's only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.
  9. My son started dating a goalie for a women's soccer team and asked me what I thought of her. I said "Son, she's a keeper."
  10. My wife asked me, Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating? So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents' house.

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Date One Liners

Which date one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with date? I can suggest the ones about calendar and aged.

  1. I dated a dentist a while back, She had the whitest teeth I ever came across.
  2. I'm starting a new dating service in Prague. It's called Czech-Mate.
  3. What is a a bisexual person doing when they're not dating anybody? They're on standbi
  4. What do Incel and excel have in common? Misinterpreting something as a date.
  5. I tried dating a cougar once. Turned out she was a cheetah.
  6. Tomorrow's date will be 11/11 Unless you're from the UK, in which case it'll be 11/11
  7. I once went on a blind date with a vegan I never met herbivore
  8. What's the oldest you can be to get a circumcision? I need to know the cutoff date.
  9. The reason why I only date black girls is because I don't like meeting dads.
  10. I had a date last night. It was perfect.
    Tomorrow I'll try a grape.
  11. On the perfect date, what question do you ask a girl twice? So... Can I come inside?
  12. What do you call a vampire out on a date? A neck romancer
  13. Baby Shark Today's date.
  14. I had a date tonight. It was pretty sweet. Next, I'm going to try a fig.
  15. My Chinese son was born before his due date We called him Sudden Lee

Up To Date Jokes

Here is a list of funny up to date jokes and even better up to date puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Dating a stripper is like eating a bag of chips in class. Everyone looks at you in disgust. But deep down they want some too
  • My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film. Our dates can be summarized as followed: Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN
  • Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot... The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.
  • Women say their number one fear of online dating is the guy will be a serial killer. Men say their number one fear is the woman will be fat.
  • I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl... they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too.
  • I planned a date with this girl at the gym today, but she didn't show up that's when I knew we weren't gonna work out
  • Whenever I see two lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I think it's shocking how many people bring a knife on a date.
  • As a non-American, I love seeing Americans saying Happy 4th of July. It's the only time Americans pronounce dates correctly.
  • A while ago I had a blind date with a Jewish girl She asked me for my number.
    I told her that we usually use names.
  • I will never date a girl who doesn't understand algebra jokes That's why my x is no longer in the equation

First Date Jokes

Here is a list of funny first date jokes and even better first date puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My biggest fear, when I first started dating, was meeting the girl's father. But I mainly dated black girls, so it was never really an issue.
  • On a first date last night my date asked, 'So, what do you do?' Frowning, I held up the menu and said 'you just choose something from this book of food'
  • At a First Date Conversation At a first date:
    He: I work with animals every day!
    She: Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?
    He: I'm a butcher.
  • I read that I should treat my wife like I did on our first date... tonight I'm dropping her off at her parents.
  • What My Girlfriend Thought on the First Four Dates 1) Good shirt.
    2) Nice. A second good shirt.
    3) OK, the first shirt again.
    4) He has two shirts.
  • [First Date] Her: I'm usually attracted to men with power. Me: That's great, I always pay my electric bill on time.
  • On a first date: Her - So what do you do?
    Me - I am currently working on eliminating all cancers.
    Her - Wow, that's impressive!
    Me - Then I'll move onto Capricons.
  • I had my first date last night! Such an underrated fruit.
  • I was out on a first date and the lady asked me if I was more of a cat person or a dog person. I said "I'm a vegetarian."
  • Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparently she stood him up.
Date joke, Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken

Blind Date Jokes

Here is a list of funny blind date jokes and even better blind date puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby." I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...
  • I dated a blind girl and she broke up with me. Guess who's back with a different voice
  • [Blind Date] Guy: Hi, my name is Heath. Girl: Hello, nice to meet you. I'm Heather.
    Guy: This isn't a competition.
  • I asked a girl whether she would date a blue-collar man like me She said blue or white don't matter, she's collar blind.
  • I started dating a blind girl. The hardest part was imitating her husband's voice.
  • I went on a blind date and the girl gave me a honeycomb. Knew right away she was a keeper.
  • Last night I dated a blind woman At one point she ran her hands over my cheeks and mistook my acne for braille. Boy, was my face read.
  • I love dating blind girls You don't have to worry about them seeing other people.
  • Had a blind date last night. Her name was ..:::.::…..:::.::
  • "I have slept with 3 men before meeting you " said my blind date "Man,I was just late by 20 minutes" ..

Today Date Jokes

Here is a list of funny today date jokes and even better today date puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Four years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
  • 5 Years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that same girl to marry me. Both times she said no
  • 6 years ago i DMed my facebook crush telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times and blocked me
  • A time traveler has traveled back in time to the year 1963. However, he does not know the exact date.
    He sees a CIA agent nearby and asks him:
    "Is today before or after the JF-"
  • Today's date is 7/11 which is convenient.
  • Today, I went out on my first date. I had to cut it short after my mom forced me to get off roblox.
  • I was having trouble dating but a girl finally asked me if I wanted to get coffee today. Sure she was wearing an apron and standing behind a register but still, my pick up game is getting better.
  • What's today's date? 10-4 Good Buddy!
  • Are you today's date? Because you're 1/10, bye.
  • Hey Mitch Hedberg, what's the date today? Just press 2 for a while!
Date joke, Hey Mitch Hedberg, what's the date today?

Cheerful Fun Date Jokes for Lovely Laughter

What funny jokes about date you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean deadline jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make date pranks.

Man, on a first date: How do you feel about s**...? Woman: I like it infrequently.

Man: I see. Is that one word or two?

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

What does Mr. Miyagi do when he gets home from a date?

He wax off

Are you a v**...?

Joe had a blind date with Maria for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her.
After some really passionate embracing, he said: "Tell me, do you object to making love?"
"That is something I have never done before," Maria replied.
"Never made love? You mean you are a v**...?" Joe was amazed!
"No, silly," she giggled, "I've never objected!"

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye...

but I dumped her because she kept seeing people on the side.

I dated an English teacher for a few months, but it didn't work out.

She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

A farmer had three daughters...

and each was going on a date one Friday night.
The first daughters date showed up "Hi I'm Freddy here to pick up Betty to eat spaghetti, is she ready?"
Betty left with Freddy.
The second daughters date showed up "Hey I'm Joe here to pick up Flo to go to the show, is she ready to go?"
Flo left with Joe.
The third daughters date showed up "Hello I'm Chuck-"
The farmer shot chuck.

Went on a date with a single mom...

It was going well until I told her I didn't care about her kid; I just wanted to play with the box it came in.

What's the difference between you and a calendar?

A calendar has a date for Valentine's Day.

I told my friends that I'm going for a date with a gorgeous girl, and they teased me that she's imaginary.

Joke's on them, they are too.

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. I had to break up with her.

She was seeing somebody on the side.

A good way to get to know your date

is to ask about their first pet, favorite movie, and mom's maiden name.
Then login and read all their emails.

I told my friends I'm going on a date with a cute girl.

They told me she's imaginary, but joke's on them, so are they.

My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper

looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again

What's a pirate's greatest fear on the first date?

A sunken chest with no b**....

A guy takes his date to the carnival...

....and asks his date what she wants to do. She replies "I want to get weighed." So he takes her to the Guess Your Weight booth and continue their date.
They go on a few more rides and again he asks her what she wants to do. "I wanna get weighed" she says once again. So they get her weighed again and go one a few more rides and then he takes her home.
When she gets home, her mother asks her how her date went.
She replied, "Wousy"

I don't see why people are outraged when Donald Trump says if Ivanka wasn't his daughter, he'd be dating her.

After all, if Ivanka wasn't Trump's daughter, I'd date her too.

I once dated a girl with a lazy eye,

It was going well for a few months until I realized she was seeing someone else.

I wish I could date Pokemon GO's servers

Because then she'd go down on me 5 times a day.

The only thing that Trump and I can agree on... that I would also date Ivanka if she wasn't his daughter.

A German man goes on holiday

to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions
"Hans Schmidt"
"Place of birth?"
"No, just visiting"

I once dated a Welsh girl with 36 DDs.

Longest surname I've ever seen.

When I see lover's names carved in a tree...

I don't think it's sweet. I'm just surprised of how many people bring knives on a date.

I asked my date if she'd ever done drugs.

"No," she said, taking a sip of her water.
I said, "Well, you have now."

Fifteen years ago I asked my high school crush out on a date, yesterday I asked her to marry me...

... She said no both times.

Chinese kid was born before the due date

Parents named him Sudden Lee.

A boy asks a girl to prom..,

..and she says yes. Overexcited, he is told he must show up with a limo and a tuxedo. So he goes to the limo rental and waits in the limo line, and he gets the limo. Then, he goes to the tuxedo rental and waits in the tuxedo line. Finally, the big day comes, and he brings his date to prom. She asks him to get some punch. He goes over to get some punch, and realizes there is no punch line.

Oxygen and potassium went on a date... went ok.
Oxygen and magnesium went on a date.
The other chemicals were like 'omg'!
Two noble gases went on a date.
There was no reaction.
Two protons went on a date.
There was no attraction.
Hydrogen and chlorine went on a date.
They felt a little sour after it.
Hydrogen and nitrogen went on a date.
They had a basic night out.
Sodium and chlorine went on a date.
There was assault.
Potassium and water went on a date.
It was lit.

I once dated a dental hygienist

She had the whitest teeth I ever came across.

A woman goes on a date with an NSA employee,

And says, "So, tell me about myself."

I was on a blind date with this girl...

And I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed. She asked "what's the best way?"
I said "a big knife."
She laughed and said "you're funny."
I said "wise choice."

The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiry date is June 2018.
I'm so glad they dug it up just in time

I dated a one legged girl who worked at a brewery

She was in charge of the hops

I dated a couple of anorexic girls once.

Two birds, one stone.

"You should date black guys"...

...How girls tell each other they're fat.

My doctor told me to stay away from trans fats...

But it's 2017 and I'll date who I want

I met someone online who shares my f**... for urinating on dried fruit...

Next week we're going to go on a date

What's a pirates worst fear on a blind date?

A sunken chest and no b**....

My friend set me up on a date. He told me she constantly make Shrek references. I was pretty sceptical

but then I saw her face

How does a girl greet Bill Cosby on their 2nd date?

"Nice to meet you"

I once dated a twin

Years ago I dated a twin.
My friend asked me 'how do you tell them apart?'
I explained 'Well, Rebecca has agreed to wear green nail polish every 2nd day...and Stephen has a d**...'

I used to date my english teacher

but she broke up with me due to incorrect use of the colon

After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well...

During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the s**... play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.

An American man meets a woman while on a business trip to Paris. She barely speaks any English, but their date goes well...

During s**..., she is moaning and basically screaming C'est le mauvais trou . He is emboldened and confident, seeing how much he's pleasing her. Over and over again, C'est le mauvais trou!
The next day, he's playing golf with a client who hits an amazing hole in one. Eager to use his new compliment, the man says C'est le mauvais trou!
The client replies What the h**... do you mean that's the wrong hole?!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

To impress his date, Ron took her to a very chic Italian restaurant.

After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered for the both of them. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.

"That's the manager." said the waiter.

I used to date a cross-eyed girl.

I stopped when I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

If you date twin girls, and one of them smokes w**.....

Is that like getting two birds with one s**...?

I had a date last night and I really enjoyed it.

Tonight I'm going to have a fig!

Why did Princess Leia date so many guys before she found Han?

She was looking for love in Alderaan places.

A girl tells her mom she's dating the guy next door

The mom's like you can't date him he could be your dad
And the daughter is like so there's an age difference who cares
I think you misunderstood me

In 1999, in the midst of the Y2K panic, the k**... Jelly company announced it was now Y2K compliant:

Known as 'Y2KY Jelly, it now allowed you to put all four digits in your date

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

Dated a gold digger once.

I date this girl once, she was a solid 10. She was smoking hot, and crazy in bed. Things went south though, she claimed I lied about how much money I had.
And I was like my exact words where, that I has worth between 40 and 75 million dollars .
So what if it was only $2,165. It is still between $40- $75,000,000.

I asked my Granddaughter to give me the newspaper. She said that newspapers are so out of date, and that people now use tablets, so she handed me her iPad.

That Fly didn't stand a chance.

What do Excel, incels and some people who casually eat figs have in common?

They get confused and incorrectly assume it's a date.

Thank you for the awards.

As people have pointed out, this joke seems to have originated from a venn diagram, but seeing as I heard it a different way and we can't post venn diagrams on this sub, I don't see what's wrong with sharing a good joke for others to enjoy. :/

Date joke, What do Excel, incels and some people who casually eat figs have in common?

jokes about date