The Best 78 Date Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Date jokes. There are some date january jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these date you cant date me if puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Date Jokes and Puns

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...



Well the jokes on them – they're imaginary too...

Man, on a first date: How do you feel about sex? Woman: I like it infrequently.

Man: I see. Is that one word or two?

I dated a dentist a while back,

She had the whitest teeth I ever came across.

Date joke, I dated a dentist a while back,

I went on a blind date and the girl gave me a honeycomb.

Knew right away she was a keeper.

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.


What does Mr. Miyagi do when he gets home from a date?

He wax off

Are you a VIRGIN?

Joe had a blind date with Maria for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her.

After some really passionate embracing, he said: "Tell me, do you object to making love?"

"That is something I have never done before," Maria replied.

"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Joe was amazed!

"No, silly," she giggled, "I've never objected!"

Date joke, Are you a VIRGIN?

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye...

but I dumped her because she kept seeing people on the side.

I dated an English teacher for a few months, but it didn't work out.

She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

A farmer had three daughters...

and each was going on a date one Friday night.

The first daughters date showed up "Hi I'm Freddy here to pick up Betty to eat spaghetti, is she ready?"

Betty left with Freddy.

The second daughters date showed up "Hey I'm Joe here to pick up Flo to go to the show, is she ready to go?"

Flo left with Joe.

The third daughters date showed up "Hello I'm Chuck-"

The farmer shot chuck.

5 Years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that same girl to marry me.

Both times she said no

You can explore date tinder reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean date date with blonde dad jokes. There are also date puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Four years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

What's the difference between you and a calendar?

A calendar has a date for Valentine's Day.

I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl...

they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too.

I told my friends that I'm going for a date with a gorgeous girl, and they teased me that she's imaginary.

Joke's on them, they are too.

I told my friends I'm going on a date with a cute girl.

They told me she's imaginary, but joke's on them, so are they.

Date joke, I told my friends I'm going on a date with a cute girl.

I had my first date last night!

Such an underrated fruit.

My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper

looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again

On the perfect date, what question do you ask a girl twice?

So... Can I come inside?


What's a pirate's greatest fear on the first date?

A sunken chest with no booty.

The reason why I only date black girls

is because I don't like meeting dads.

A guy takes his date to the carnival...

....and asks his date what she wants to do. She replies "I want to get weighed." So he takes her to the Guess Your Weight booth and continue their date.

They go on a few more rides and again he asks her what she wants to do. "I wanna get weighed" she says once again. So they get her weighed again and go one a few more rides and then he takes her home.

When she gets home, her mother asks her how her date went.

She replied, "Wousy"

On a first date:

Her - So what do you do?

Me - I am currently working on eliminating all cancers.

Her - Wow, that's impressive!

Me - Then I'll move onto Capricons.

I don't see why people are outraged when Donald Trump says if Ivanka wasn't his daughter, he'd be dating her.

After all, if Ivanka wasn't Trump's daughter, I'd date her too.

I once dated a girl with a lazy eye,

It was going well for a few months until I realized she was seeing someone else.

I wish I could date Pokemon GO's servers

Because then she'd go down on me 5 times a day.

The only thing that Trump and I can agree on...

...is that I would also date Ivanka if she wasn't his daughter.

A German man goes on holiday

to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions

"Name?"

"Hans Schmidt"

"Age?"

"32"

"Place of birth?"

"Dusseldorf"

"Occupation?"

"No, just visiting"

I once dated a Welsh girl with 36 DDs.

Longest surname I've ever seen.

At a First Date Conversation

At a first date:

He: I work with animals every day!

She: Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?

He: I'm a butcher.

When I see lover's names carved in a tree...

I don't think it's sweet. I'm just surprised of how many people bring knives on a date.

I asked my date if she'd ever done drugs.

"No," she said, taking a sip of her water.

I said, "Well, you have now."

Fifteen years ago I asked my high school crush out on a date, yesterday I asked her to marry me...

... She said no both times.

Chinese kid was born before the due date

Parents named him Sudden Lee.

A boy asks a girl to prom..,

..and she says yes. Overexcited, he is told he must show up with a limo and a tuxedo. So he goes to the limo rental and waits in the limo line, and he gets the limo. Then, he goes to the tuxedo rental and waits in the tuxedo line. Finally, the big day comes, and he brings his date to prom. She asks him to get some punch. He goes over to get some punch, and realizes there is no punch line.

I dated a girl in a wheelchair

She broke up with me because I kept pushing her around.

I said, "why don't you stand up for yourself?"

Oxygen and potassium went on a date...

...it went ok.

Oxygen and magnesium went on a date.

The other chemicals were like 'omg'!

Two noble gases went on a date.

There was no reaction.

Two protons went on a date.

There was no attraction.

Hydrogen and chlorine went on a date.

They felt a little sour after it.

Hydrogen and nitrogen went on a date.

They had a basic night out.

Sodium and chlorine went on a date.

There was assault.

Potassium and water went on a date.

It was lit.

I once dated a dental hygienist

She had the whitest teeth I ever came across.

A woman goes on a date with an NSA employee,

And says, "So, tell me about myself."

I was on a blind date with this girl...

And I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed. She asked "what's the best way?"
I said "a big knife."
She laughed and said "you're funny."
I said "wise choice."

A while ago I had a blind date with a Jewish girl

She asked me for my number.

I told her that we usually use names.

The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiry date is June 2018.

I'm so glad they dug it up just in time

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film. Our dates can be summarized as followed:

Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN

A man goes on a date

Friend: 'How did your date go?'

Man: 'I talked too much about my obsession with simplifying fractions'

Friend: 'That wasn't a very good idea'

Man: 'Yeah, well hindsight is 1'

My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

My doctor told me to stay away from trans fats...

But it's 2017 and I'll date who I want

I met someone online who shares my fetish for urinating on dried fruit...

Next week we're going to go on a date

Whenever I see two lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I think it's shocking how many people bring a knife on a date.

My Chinese son was born before his due date

We called him Sudden Lee

What's a pirates worst fear on a blind date?

A sunken chest and no booty.

On a first date last night my date asked, 'So, what do you do?'

Frowning, I held up the menu and said 'you just choose something from this book of food'

How does a girl greet Bill Cosby on their 2nd date?

"Nice to meet you"

I had a date tonight. It was pretty sweet.

Next, I'm going to try a fig.

I used to date my english teacher

but she broke up with me due to incorrect use of the colon

An American man meets a woman while on a business trip to Paris. She barely speaks any English, but their date goes well...

During sex, she is moaning and basically screaming C'est le mauvais trou . He is emboldened and confident, seeing how much he's pleasing her. Over and over again, C'est le mauvais trou!

The next day, he's playing golf with a client who hits an amazing hole in one. Eager to use his new compliment, the man says C'est le mauvais trou!

The client replies What the hell do you mean that's the wrong hole?!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

I used to date a cross-eyed girl.

I stopped when I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

6 years ago i DMed my facebook crush telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times and blocked me

I had a date last night and I really enjoyed it.

Tonight I'm going to have a fig!

Why did Princess Leia date so many guys before she found Han?

She was looking for love in Alderaan places.

I will never date a girl who doesn't understand algebra jokes

That's why my x is no longer in the equation

A girl tells her mom she's dating the guy next door

The mom's like you can't date him he could be your dad

And the daughter is like so there's an age difference who cares

I think you misunderstood me

I read that I should treat my wife like I did on our first date...

...so tonight I'm dropping her off at her parents.

In 1999, in the midst of the Y2K panic, the KY Jelly company announced it was now Y2K compliant:

Known as 'Y2KY Jelly, it now allowed you to put all four digits in your date

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

[Blind Date] Guy: Hi, my name is Heath.

Girl: Hello, nice to meet you. I'm Heather.

Guy: This isn't a competition.

I asked a girl whether she would date a blue-collar man like me

She said blue or white don't matter, she's collar blind.

Dated a gold digger once.

I date this girl once, she was a solid 10. She was smoking hot, and crazy in bed. Things went south though, she claimed I lied about how much money I had.

And I was like my exact words where, that I has worth between 40 and 75 million dollars .

So what if it was only $2,165. It is still between $40- $75,000,000.

I asked my Granddaughter to give me the newspaper. She said that newspapers are so out of date, and that people now use tablets, so she handed me her iPad.

That Fly didn't stand a chance.

What do Incel and Excel have in common?

Misinterpreting something as a date.

Why didn't the guy date the model with no legs?

He was lack toes intolerant

I used to date a girl who had one leg and worked at a brewery...

She was in charge of the hops...

So a guy and a girl are on a blind date.

The girl says to the guy, So, Gerry, what do you do for a living?

Gerry immediately bends down to pick something up from under the table. He pulls out a stuffed gopher, and shows it to the girl. Oh, yeah, he says, I'm a taxidermist.

The girl replies with Oh, that's cool.

Then the gopher says, And a ventriloquist.

"I have slept with 3 men before meeting you " said my blind date

"Man,I was just late by 20 minutes" ..

What do Excel, incels and some people who casually eat figs have in common?

They get confused and incorrectly assume it's a date.


(Edit)
Thank you for the awards.



As people have pointed out, this joke seems to have originated from a venn diagram, but seeing as I heard it a different way and we can't post venn diagrams on this sub, I don't see what's wrong with sharing a good joke for others to enjoy. :/

Pharmacist: May I help you, sir?

Customer: Yes... I, uh... well, this is sort of embarrassing, but I'm going out on a date tonight and, you know, I need some...

Pharmacist: Protection?

Customer: Right.

Pharmacist: Small, medium or large?

Customer: Uhhhh... Medium, I guess.

Pharmacist: Okay, that'll be $2.35 including tax.

Customer: Tacks?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!

Why did nobody go on a date with Avogadro?

Because his number was too long

James takes his date to the prom

They get to the building, and there's a long line to get in


They go to take pictures, and there a long line for pictures


They go to get flowers, and there's another long line for flowers.


James is fed up with all the lines, so he goes for some punch, and finds that there is no punchline

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the date prune jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working date deadline piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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