Date Jokes

Following is our collection of tinder puns and january one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Date jokes for adults, dirty date with blonde jokes and clean you cant date me if dad gags for kids.

The Best Date Puns

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...



Well the jokes on them – they're imaginary too...

Man, on a first date: How do you feel about sex? Woman: I like it infrequently.

Man: I see. Is that one word or two?

I dated a dentist a while back,

She had the whitest teeth I ever came across.

I dated a girl in a wheelchair

She broke up with me because I kept pushing her around.

I said, "why don't you stand up for yourself?"

A man goes on a date

Friend: 'How did your date go?'

Man: 'I talked too much about my obsession with simplifying fractions'

Friend: 'That wasn't a very good idea'

Man: 'Yeah, well hindsight is 1'


I was on a blind date with this girl...

And I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed. She asked "what's the best way?"
I said "a big knife."
She laughed and said "you're funny."
I said "wise choice."

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film. Our dates can be summarized as followed:

Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN

I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl...

they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too.

Whenever I see two lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I think it's shocking how many people bring a knife on a date.

A while ago I had a blind date with a Jewish girl

She asked me for my number.

I told her that we usually use names.

The reason why I only date black girls

is because I don't like meeting dads.


Four years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

On the perfect date, what question do you ask a girl twice?

So... Can I come inside?

My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

Why did Princess Leia date so many guys before she found Han?

She was looking for love in Alderaan places.

A farmer had three daughters...

and each was going on a date one Friday night.

The first daughters date showed up "Hi I'm Freddy here to pick up Betty to eat spaghetti, is she ready?"

Betty left with Freddy.

The second daughters date showed up "Hey I'm Joe here to pick up Flo to go to the show, is she ready to go?"

Flo left with Joe.

The third daughters date showed up "Hello I'm Chuck-"

The farmer shot chuck.

I had a date tonight. It was pretty sweet.

Next, I'm going to try a fig.

My Chinese son was born before his due date

We called him Sudden Lee

The only thing that Trump and I can agree on...

...is that I would also date Ivanka if she wasn't his daughter.


Never date a tennis player.

To them love means nothing.

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper

looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again

The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiry date is June 2018.

I'm so glad they dug it up just in time

A woman goes on a date with an NSA employee,

And says, "So, tell me about myself."

I don't see why people are outraged when Donald Trump says if Ivanka wasn't his daughter, he'd be dating her.

After all, if Ivanka wasn't Trump's daughter, I'd date her too.

What does Mr. Miyagi do when he gets home from a date?

He wax off

Chinese kid was born before the due date

Parents named him Sudden Lee.

On a first date last night my date asked, 'So, what do you do?'

Frowning, I held up the menu and said 'you just choose something from this book of food'

5 Years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that same girl to marry me.

Both times she said no

A guy takes his date to the carnival...

....and asks his date what she wants to do. She replies "I want to get weighed." So he takes her to the Guess Your Weight booth and continue their date.

They go on a few more rides and again he asks her what she wants to do. "I wanna get weighed" she says once again. So they get her weighed again and go one a few more rides and then he takes her home.

When she gets home, her mother asks her how her date went.

She replied, "Wousy"

Oxygen and potassium went on a date...

...it went ok.

Oxygen and magnesium went on a date.

The other chemicals were like 'omg'!

Two noble gases went on a date.

There was no reaction.

Two protons went on a date.

There was no attraction.

Hydrogen and chlorine went on a date.

They felt a little sour after it.

Hydrogen and nitrogen went on a date.

They had a basic night out.

Sodium and chlorine went on a date.

There was assault.

Potassium and water went on a date.

It was lit.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

What's a pirates worst fear on a blind date?

A sunken chest and no booty.

Are you a VIRGIN?

Joe had a blind date with Maria for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her.

After some really passionate embracing, he said: "Tell me, do you object to making love?"

"That is something I have never done before," Maria replied.

"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Joe was amazed!

"No, silly," she giggled, "I've never objected!"

I asked my date if she'd ever done drugs.

"No," she said, taking a sip of her water.

I said, "Well, you have now."

At a First Date Conversation

At a first date:

He: I work with animals every day!

She: Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?

He: I'm a butcher.

Why shouldn't you date a tennis player?

Because love means nothing to them!

I dated an English teacher for a few months, but it didn't work out.

She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

My doctor told me to stay away from trans fats...

But it's 2017 and I'll date who I want

How does a girl greet Bill Cosby on their 2nd date?

"Nice to meet you"

What's a pirate's greatest fear on the first date?

A sunken chest with no booty.

I told my friends I'm going on a date with a cute girl.

They told me she's imaginary, but joke's on them, so are they.

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye...

but I dumped her because she kept seeing people on the side.

An American man meets a woman while on a business trip to Paris. She barely speaks any English, but their date goes well...

During sex, she is moaning and basically screaming C'est le mauvais trou . He is emboldened and confident, seeing how much he's pleasing her. Over and over again, C'est le mauvais trou!

The next day, he's playing golf with a client who hits an amazing hole in one. Eager to use his new compliment, the man says C'est le mauvais trou!

The client replies What the hell do you mean that's the wrong hole?!

On a first date:

Her - So what do you do?

Me - I am currently working on eliminating all cancers.

Her - Wow, that's impressive!

Me - Then I'll move onto Capricons.

I had my first date last night!

Such an underrated fruit.

I told my friends that I'm going for a date with a gorgeous girl, and they teased me that she's imaginary.

Joke's on them, they are too.

When I see lover's names carved in a tree...

I don't think it's sweet. I'm just surprised of how many people bring knives on a date.

I once dated a Welsh girl with 36 DDs.

Longest surname I've ever seen.

A boy asks a girl to prom..,

..and she says yes. Overexcited, he is told he must show up with a limo and a tuxedo. So he goes to the limo rental and waits in the limo line, and he gets the limo. Then, he goes to the tuxedo rental and waits in the tuxedo line. Finally, the big day comes, and he brings his date to prom. She asks him to get some punch. He goes over to get some punch, and realizes there is no punch line.

I had a date last night and I really enjoyed it.

Tonight I'm going to have a fig!

I met someone online who shares my fetish for urinating on dried fruit...

Next week we're going to go on a date

6 years ago i DMed my facebook crush telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times and blocked me

I used to date my english teacher

but she broke up with me due to incorrect use of the colon

Fifteen years ago I asked my high school crush out on a date, yesterday I asked her to marry me...

... She said no both times.

I once dated a dental hygienist

She had the whitest teeth I ever came across.

I went on a blind date and the girl gave me a honeycomb.

Knew right away she was a keeper.

I wish I could date Pokemon GO's servers

Because then she'd go down on me 5 times a day.

I used to date a cross-eyed girl.

I stopped when I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

I once dated a girl with a lazy eye,

It was going well for a few months until I realized she was seeing someone else.

A German man goes on holiday

to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions

"Name?"

"Hans Schmidt"

"Age?"

"32"

"Place of birth?"

"Dusseldorf"

"Occupation?"

"No, just visiting"

What's the difference between you and a calendar?

A calendar has a date for Valentine's Day.

My friend set me up on a date. He told me she constantly make Shrek references. I was pretty sceptical

but then I saw her face

To impress his date, Ron took her to a very chic Italian restaurant.

After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered for the both of them. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.



"That's the manager." said the waiter.

I dated a couple of anorexic girls once.

Two birds, one stone.

Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she stood him up.

I dated a one legged girl who worked at a brewery

She was in charge of the hops

After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well...

During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.

If you date twin girls, and one of them smokes weed..

Is that like getting two birds with one stoned?

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. I had to break up with her.

She was seeing somebody on the side.

I once dated a twin

Years ago I dated a twin.


My friend asked me 'how do you tell them apart?'


I explained 'Well, Rebecca has agreed to wear green nail polish every 2nd day...and Stephen has a dick'

There is an abundance of prune jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 71 funniest jokes and date puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any deadline witze you can hear about date.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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