Darling Jokes

Following is our collection of home puns and bedroom one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Darling jokes for adults, dirty hunny jokes and clean loved dad gags for kids.

The Best Darling Puns

A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

Burglars are getting very clever these days..

Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.

Then I realised I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

My darling asked me what I wanted for Xmas, and I said, "Nothing would make me happier than oral Sex."

So that's what she gave me.

Nothing.

I asked my grandpa..

I asked my grandpa: After 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What's the secret?

Grandpa: I forgot her name 5 years ago and I'm scared to ask her.

Mr. and Mrs. Keaton notice the young man staying next door always kisses his girlfriend every morning before heading to work.

"Why don't you do that?" Mrs.Keaton asks her husband.

"Darling, I don't even know the woman."


A husband died

A husband died.

A few years later, his wife died.

As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes.

"Darling, oh how I've missed you!"

The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says,

"Woah there woman. The contract was until death."

A woman threatens her boyfriend

A woman threatens her boyfriend :

"If you won't stop telling me that I'm fat, I'm going to leave you !"

- "Don't do this darling ! Think about our child !" says the boyfriend, trying to convince her to stay.

- "But we **don't** have any child !" eructs the woman.

- "Wait, what ? You're not 8 months pregnant ?"

A husband asks his wife...

Husband: Darling, if I lost my vision would you be my eyes?

Wife: Honey, of course I would.

Husband: If I lost my hearing would you be my ears?

Wife: Absolutely sweetheart.

Husband: If I lost my legs would you push me around in a wheelchair?

Wife: You don't need to ask. Why all the questions?

Husband: I just sprained my wrist...

A wife sits with her husband, who is on his deathbed...

The husband says, "Darling, I think it's time... I have one last wish before I pass."

"What is it, dear?"

"About six months after I'm gone, I want you to marry Joey, ok?"

She sat dumbfounded for a second. "But, I thought you *hated* that man?"

The husband grabbed her hand and with his last breath whispered "I do."

A woman giddily asks her husband...

"Honey, if you could pick any number to represent me, what would it be?"

"Pi," said the husband.

"Oh!" she replied "That's interesting. Does it have something to do with circles?"

"No," he said. "But Pi is irrational, darling."

Does God use our bathroom

A child asks, "Mommy, does God use our bathroom?"


The mother replies, "No darling. Why do you ask?"


The child says, "Because every morning daddy bangs on the door and shouts, 'Oh God, are you still in there?'"


A woman is walking home with her three daughters.

The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?"

"Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose".

The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.

"Well darling, when we were bringing *you* home from the hospital, a *lily* petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily."

The third girl asks "AAArrgghhrasfdg".

"Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock".

Man "I hate the world and everyone in it. I have no patience for it. It's starting to make me sick". Wife: "what do you think about me?"

Man: "oh you mean the world to me, darling".

A husband died

A few years later the wife died.

As she got to heaven, she sees her husband and runs up to him with tears in her eyes "Oh darling, how I've missed you."

The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."

How many women have you slept with

wife asked husband, "How many women have you slept with?"
he proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

A guys asks his grandpa how come he still calls his wife "darling" after being married for over 60 years.

the grandpa says : shush it, I forgot her name 30 years ago.

My flight instructor told me this one. Nothing to do with flying.

A man's wife is staring at herself in the mirror and frowning. She turns to her husband and says "Honey, I feel fat, old, and ugly. I could really use a compliment right now." To which the husband replies "Darling, your eyesight is impeccable."

How many women have you slept with?

An old couple were talking. The wife asked her husband, "How many women have you slept with?"
"Only you, Darling, the man replied proudly. With all the others I was awake."

Husband and wife decide to make a password...

...for sex,
they decide on 'washing machine'.
Later in bed that night husband says,
Washing machine.
Wife replies, Not tonight darling I have a sore head.
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says,
Washing machine.
Husband replies,
Too late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.


Marriage

Husband asking the wife:
-Darling, do you want to come with me to the gym?
*-Are you saying I'm fat??*
-No, I was just thinking that we should maybe...
*-Are you saying I'm lazy??*
-No, no! Calm down, I didn't say that..
*-Why, you think I'm hysterical??*
-No, I wasn't saying that..
*-So you are calling me a liar now??*
-God no! You know what, I go alone then.
*-Wait a minute! Why do you want to go alone!?*

What 3 words does a woman not want to hear when having sex?

Darling I'm home!

"Honey, I think I'm ugly...."

So I pulled her infront of a mirror, stood right next to her and said:

"Darling, I mean look a that sexy smile, that beautiful hair and those eyes....Just wow. No wonder you feel ugly next to me!"

My daughter came sprinting in to the house yesterday shouting 'daddy, daddy, I just saw two fairies at the bottom of the garden!'

Humouring her I asked 'That's amazing darling, what were they doing?'

She replied 'Sucking each other's cocks'

After 10 years of marriage, wife manage to discover 5 eggs and 5.000 euros on the cabinet.

\-Darling, I'm sorry, but I went to your office and found 5 eggs and 5.000 euros , what's the deal with it?

\-Well, how can I explain it... Since the beginning of our marriage, I would store one egg for each time you annoyed me.
\-Oh, that's so sweet! And what the 5.000 euros are for?

\-I usually wait when I have a dozen of eggs before selling then.

A Man asks his lover in a restaurant

Man : Honey, what do you love most about me?

Woman : I love your company the most darling!

Man : Wow really? that is so sweet of you my love

Woman : Um, it's still making money right?
*edit :forgot to mention that I remember this joke from Benny Hills show, not my own joke


*edit 2 : Benny Hills not Benn, autocorrect strikes again!

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!"

The wife looks at herself in the mirror and complain to her husband: I am so ugly and wrinkle and fat. Do I even have any good traits?

The husband put down his newspaper and slowly answer: Your eyesight is excellent darling

"Darling, your teeth are like stars."

"So yellow and so far apart..."

Grandmas don't know everything.........

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse , darling.

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse . It's called Bunk Beds.

And Jimmy 's mum wants to talk to you.'

Table manners

Teacher:"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"


Michael: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'


Teacher: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'


Sherman: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'


Teacher:'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'


Johnny: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'

The Way Women Think

Husband's Message (by text):

"Darling, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been doing tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head though very strong, should not have any serious or lasting effect but, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture of the left leg and they may have to amputate my right foot. Fingers crossed!"

Wife's Response:
"Who's Paula?"

She: "Wait for me darling, I just do my makeup...."

He: "Oh, you don't need makeup."

She: "How nice, you are so sweet."

He: "You need plastic surgery."

A soon-to-be-wed couple are snuggling in bed after sex one night...

...The man suggests that they come clean about any straying that they may have done since they got together.

"It`s best to get this stuff out in the open before the wedding," he explains.

The woman replies, "Oh darling. Don`t you remember? We went through all this a month ago."

The man takes a deep breath and says, "Aah...yes...But that was a month ago..."

An elderly man is with his wife who is on her deathbed

As she lay there, she says to her husband, "Honey, I must tell you a secret before I die"

"Shh, there is nothing you need to tell me." the husband replies.

"No, I must tell you that I slept with your brother, best friend and the neighbor." the wife responds.

The husband says, "I know this. That is why I poisoned you. Now go to sleep, darling."

The eldest of three siblings comes up to his mother and asks: "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Leaf?"

"Well, honey," the mother says, "it's because when you were a little baby, a leaf landed on your head."

Satisfied, the child goes away.

Later, the middle child tugs at her mother's hand. "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Feather?"

"Well, darling," the mother says, "it's because when you were a little baby, a feather floated down and landed on your head."

The little girl smiles and goes on her way.

A few moments later the youngest child runs into the room and says: "WARGLBARGLAAHRGLB?"

The mother says: "Shut up, Refrigerator."

A guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm

He says, "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife, lying in bed replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

A guy walks in a library:

- Do you have motivational books here?
- Yes darling, right there, 3rd row, the second shelf.
- Do you have any books closer?"

An elderly woman rang her husband while he was driving...

He heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Darling, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way down the freeway, please be careful!"
He replied, "There's not just one car, there's hundreds of them!"

What is the difference between a wife and a mistress?

The mistress says "Oh darling! That was *wonderful*!"

The wife says "Beige. I think we'll paint the ceiling beige."

Remarriage

Laying in bed, a husband asks his wife, "If I die, will you remarry?"

"Of course not darling" she replies, "I'll live with my sister. And if I die, will you remarry?"

And the husband replies "Of course not honey, I will also stay with your sister."

Marriage

**Before Marriage**

Boy: Ah, finally, I've waited so long.

Girl: You want me to leave?

Boy: No. I dare to not even think about it.

Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Of course. Lots!

Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?

Boy: No! Why are you asking me?

Girl: Will you kiss me?

Boy: Every time I get the chance!

Girl: Will you ever hit me?

Boy: Are you crazy? Of course not!

Girl: Can I trust you?

Boy: Yes.

Girl: Darling?

**After Marriage**

Read it Backwards.

Someone asked an old man "Even after 70 years you still call your wife darling, honey luv. What's the secret?"

The old man replied " I forgot her name and i was too scared to ask her"

A husband asks his wife: If I died, would you marry again?

A husband asks his wife:
-
If I died, would you marry again?
-
Oh darling, of course I wouldn't. I'd go and live with my sister. And if I died, would you remarry?
-
No, I think I'd go and live with your sister too.

Will you get married?

Before Marriage:

Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.

Girl: Do you want me to leave?

Boy: No don't even think about it.

Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.

Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?

Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?

Girl: Will you kiss me?

Boy: Every chance I get.

Girl: Will you hit me?

Boy: Hell no. Are you crazy?

Girl: Can I trust you?

Boy: Yes.

Girl: Darling!

After Marriage: (Read from bottom to top)

My young daughter asked me this morning....

My young daughter asked me this morning, "Daddy, what were you and Mummy doing in the bedroom last night? I could hear a buzzing noise, then Mummy started to scream."

"Nothing, darling," I replied.

It was then I burst out laughing as my wife walked down the stairs with her half-shaved head.

A Christian couple

Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests: "Darling, why don't you brew us some coffee?"

Wife looks confused: "But that's your task, honey."

What? Why?

"It's all over the Bible, dearest."

"The Bible says nothing about who's supposed to be brewing coffee!"

The wife grabs hold of a copy and starts flipping pages at random: "See? Everywhere: Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews."

Burglars are getting smarter and smarter ...

My wife woke me up the other day and said "darling, I think there's a burglar downstairs, can you go and check?" So I go downstairs and look in every room, and there was no burglar to be seen. Then I realised,..

I don't have a wife.

A Chinese couple get married

The young bride is a virgin and on the wedding night cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring. " My darling, I know this is your first time and you are frightened ... I promise you, I will do anything you want. What do you want?"

She smiles coyly and says, " I want number 69."

"Now?? You want beef and broccoli now?"

Men are greedy bastards.

A married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.

"I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." says the wife. 2 tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand.

The husband says, "Sorry love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92.

Moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember - fairies are female.

Old Lady: "Harold? What are you doing with my birth certificate at 3 in the morning?"

Old Man: "Oh, I'm just fawning over how beautiful your name is, darling."

Old Lady: "Harold! That is incredibly sweet of you!"

Old Man: "Well, what can I say? I'm incredibly lucky to have married the woman I love, and that she could have such a beautiful name as... uh..."

*squints and looks at paper*

"...Margret."

A woman hits the jackpot...

A guys wife comes home and says, "Pack your bags, honey, I just won the lottery!"

The guy says, "Great darling. Should I pack for the ocean or the mountains?"

She says, "I don't care, just get out!"

When you're on a date, how do you politely tell a lady that you need to go to the bathroom?

"Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

A woman asks her husband...

about the electromagnetic spectrum so that she may help her son with his homework. She asks, "sweetheart, what comes after visible light again?" The father answers, "Ultraviolet, darling."

A newly wed couple on their honeymoon night are in the bedroom getting undressed

A newly wed couple on their honeymoon night are in the bedroom getting undressed when she says.
"Darling, now that we are married, I have a little confession to make, I was a hooker before we met, are you OK with that"
He replies "Of course I am darling, we hadn't met then and to be honest it turns me on,so tell me more
She says "Well, my name used to be Brian and I played for St. Helens"

Teacher to a 4 Year old kid: What's your Mom's name?

Kid: Mom's last name must be "Darling" because that's what Daddy calls her every time....

Teacher: That's so sweet. What's her first name then?

Kid: I think it's "Sorry"....

car trouble

Wife: There's trouble with the car. I think it has water in the carburettor.

Husband: Water in the carburettor? That's plain daft.

Wife: I'm telling you the car has water in the carburettor.

Husband: Don't be silly, You don't even know what a carburettor is. how would you know there is water in the carburettor? "

Wife: darling, I figured there would be some water in the carburetor if the car is in the swimming pool."

murder-in-law

A husband and wife are shopping when the

wife says, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her?

Do you think she would like something electric?"

"Sure," the husband says, "how about a chair?"

Two gold diggers are sitting in a bar...

The women are scoping out the men looking for their next find when a man walks up to the bar next to then and takes out a diamond-covered wallet.

"Hello there, you seem like a kind and interesting person! I'm Jennifer", she says as she goes in for a handshake.

The man replies "Listen, I know how you women are and you just like me because of my diamond wallet!"

She leans over to him, "No darling! It's what's on the inside that counts!"

A woman asked her husband whether she was pretty or ugly

Woman: Darling, am I pretty or ugly?
Husband: Both
Woman: What?? What do you mean both??
Husband: I meant, you're PRETTY UGLY

A husband and wife are sitting alone on a hill...

...and the woman says "Darling, do you love me?"
The man says "Do you see all the stars in the sky?"
"Yes?"
"That's how many women I've slept with since I married you."

"But it's daytime. Only the sun is out."
"Yes. Only one: your sister."

Girl wants a barbie.

One afternoon, a woman and her little daughter went into a large toy store. The mother asked her daughter what toys she wanted.
The little girl said, "I want GI Joe and Barbie."

The mother smiled and said, "Darling, you know Barbie doesn't come with GI Joe."

The little girl looked up at her mom and replied, "Mom, Barbie ALWAYS comes with GI Joe. She just FAKES it with Ken."

There is an abundance of harriet jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 61 funniest jokes and darling puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any sweety witze you can hear about darling.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes