Danger Jokes

What are some Danger jokes?

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

What's more dangerous than running with the scissors?

Scissoring with the runs

I was booed off stage and locked out of a karaoke bar for singing Danger Zone too many times very poorly

They told me I had too many unsuccessful Loggins attempts

The secret service used to yell "Get Down" whenever the president was in immediate danger

Now they yell "Donald Duck!"

I'll tell you what's a dangerous insect...

....That Hepatitis Bee

My friend got fired from his cow milking job because of his erratic behavior.

He was considered to be a danger to himself and udders.

Why is it dangerous to have more than one violin in your house?

Because it leads to domestic violins.

(From my 9 year old...)

The Secret Service just had to change protocol for when the president is in danger

Instead of yelling "Get down!" they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

A wife is at home watching the news.

On the TV she sees footage of a crazy man driving the wrong way on the freeway. She realizes her husband takes the same path home from work. She immediately calls him and warns him of the danger. She says, "Be careful! There's a crazy man driving on the wrong side of the freeway!"

The husband replies, "One!? There's hundreds of them!"

Worst thing to read in Braille


Would it be dangerous for a human to live 65 million years ago?

You bet jurassic would.

Waiting For Buffalo

Two early British explorers are navigating their way through the harsh Canadian wilderness with their trusty sidekick Two Bears. To scout for danger, Two Bears would occasionally stop and put his ear to the ground to check if Buffalo were nearby.

It had been weeks, and there were no buffalo to be found. They were surviving on meager rations. They really needed to find a buffalo to restock and feed their troupe. Two Bears would put his ear to the ground regularly, but still nothing.

One day, Two Bears put his ear to the ground. When he stood up, he had a smile on his face, and when he approached one of the head explorers, he excitedly said,

"Buffalo come!" The head explorer was ecstatic. He grabbed his gun and prepared for the hunt.

"How can you tell?"

"Ear sticky!"

What's the most dangerous, predominantly black area known to man?


Policeman stops priest on the bike...

Policeman: Hello father. Your light isn't working. That will be 20$.
Priest: Don't worry mister, i'm not in danger. Jesus is always with me.
Policeman: Sorry father. Then the fine is 40$ because two persons are not allowed to ride a bike.

Why is it dangerous to do math in the jungle?

Because if you add 4 plus 4, you get ate

God's assistant: why did you give man two eyes?

God: So he can know how far or close danger is

God's assistant: why two ears?

God: So he can know if danger is on the left or right

God's assistant: then why only one nose? Surely it won't help identify location of danger.

God: Yes but wouldn't it be funny when he won't know who farted in the room.

I'm about to have a dangerous cup of coffee...

...safe tea first, though.

A Story of Two Bees

So once upon a time, there were two bees, and they were out collecting pollen for their hive. It was going well at first, but soon the clouds started to gather together. One bee said to Two bee, "We better hurry up and meet our quota, it looks like it's going to rain." Two bee said to One bee, "Yes, I agree. Our colony is in grave danger of starvation, and we need to bring them this pollen."

But soon, the rain began. The bees headed for shelter, but before long, One Bee was hit by a drop of water. Two Bee rushed to his side, and dragged him under a leaf, but it was too late. As One Bee lay dying, he said "Two Bee, you must live. Take the pollen I have gathered, the hive needs it. And when you return, tell my wife and children, I love them. Go on without me," then died.

As the rain cleared up, Two Bee knew he still had a long journey ahead of him, so he set his emotions aside.

What happened next?

Two Bee Continued.

A gorilla walks into a bar...

And several people get up to leave seeing the possible danger of the situation.

A dangerous parasite walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here."

The parasite replies, "Well, you're not a very good **host**."

What's the most dangerous thing in your freezer?

Ice is.

What's the most dangerous part about Scrabble

It's all fun and games until someone loses an I

Some steaks walk into a bar...

The bartender tells them

We don't serve meat here

They reply

Good, we're vegetarians

Beef is not allowed in this bar

Good, we got not beef with anyone here

I don't see too many steaks like you guys

Good, we're pretty rare

The bartender now trying to warn them of the shady dudes in the corner of the bar tells them

The longer you guys stay in here, the more danger you're in

The steaks ignored him and continued to stay and drink to their heart's content, risking their lives. They couldn't understand, the steaks were too high.

What is the biggest danger to an ear f*cker?

Hearing AIDS.

What's more dangerous than a serial killer?

A parallel killer.

A serial killer who was known for taking body parts as trophies

A serial killer who was known for taking body parts as trophies was captured after attacking a uniformed police officer and severing her arm. When asked why he went after the officer despite knowing the danger, he simply replied, "It was a wrist I was willing to take."

A drunk is leaving a bar and heads to his car...

A police officer notices the drunk fumbling with the keys and knowing the iminent danger, says to the man, "where do you think you're going like this? You can barely walk!" The man then replies, "I know, that's why I'm driving!"

On a river rafting trip in Egypt, a couple began to sink. The husband urged his wife to swim to safety before the water got too deep, but she refused to believe she was in any danger.

She was too deep in de Nile.

It's actually really dangerous to steal kitchen utensils from bakeries.

But you just have to be willing to take the whisk

Have you heard the undead are attacking people?

Yeah we're in grave danger

Where is the most dangerous place to swim?

Hepatitis C.

Did you hear that the guy that wrote Danger Zone had his identity stolen online?

They got all his Kenny logins

Beware Dangerous Dog!

On the door of the general store, a customer noticed the sign DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! He carefully entered the store, but once inside all he saw was a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. He asked the store manager, Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?

Yep, that's him, he replied.

The stranger could not help but be amused. That certainly does not look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?

Because, the owner replied, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.

What is the most dangerous state of water?

Ice is.

I'll show myself out now.

Which is the most dangerous page of the newspaper?


A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar. The other customers promptly get up and leave, seeing the potential danger in the situation

Boston's dead crows

On interstate I-95 running from Boston to New Hampshire they had a problem with crows being hit by vehicles. They were being killed by the hundreds. They hired a professor from MIT to figure out why so many crows were being hit. He discovered that when crows land to feed, they leave one crow in the tree to watch for danger. They found out that the Boston crows could say caw caw but they couldn't say truck truck .

There are three friends in a boat...

There are three friends in a boat and their names are Nobody, Nothing and Crazy. While the three friends were sailing on their boat, a huge wave strikes the boat and Nobody was taken by the wave and thrown into the ocean. After seeing his good friend in danger of losing his life, Nothing quickly turns to Crazy and says "Hurry up and call the police!". Crazy then proceeds to dial 911 and the dispatcher answers and asks him what the problem is. Crazy yells, "Help, I am calling for Nothing because Nobody fell into the ocean!". Dumbfounded, the dispatcher asks, "Excuse me sir, but are you crazy?". To this Crazy responds, "Yes, how did you know?".

The secret service doesnt yell "get down!" When the president is in danger.

Now they yell "Donald, duck!"

A lion walks into a bar...

Several people get up and leave predicting the impending danger.

The most dangerous thing about the World Cup being held in Russia

is ensuring the Kremlin doesn't eat after midnight

An US tourist visiting the USSR fell down the open manhole...

After he was helped out, he started complaining: why on earth such as danger was not marked properly? In the USA there would be red lanterns or at least some red flags. "How did you arrive in Moscow?" asked one of the Russians who helped him out. "Well, via Sheremetyevo airport". "Haven't you noticed the huge red flag on its main building?"

What's the most dangerous thing about Steven Seagal?

his Cholesterol level

It was really dangerous driving home from the pub yesterday...

Especially since I walked there.

So a rhino walks into a bar...

and several patrons pay their tabs and leave because they see the danger in this situation.

The Philandering Duck

This swinging philandering duck suddenly became conscious of the danger of acquiring AIDS through sexual promiscuity.

To put himself at ease he went to his local druggist and asked for a condom. "How much will that be?" asked the duck. "1 dollar and 19 cents" replied the druggist. "Would you like me to put this on your bill"? "What kind of a duck to you think I am"? replied the duck.

What's the most dangerous place in Washington D.C.?

Between a politician and a news camera.

A horse walks into a bar...

People begin to quickly, but calmly leave the bar as they realize the potential danger of the situation.

Old but gold, Captain Jack Arrow.

Jack Arrow was a captain of a pirate ship. He was always chased by danger. As one day, a crew member came up to captain jack and said " We got an enemy ship approaching us from behind, sir!!!" Captain Jack, with all confidence, replied "Bring me my red shirt!". As the enemy ship boarded Captain Jack's ship, a battle initiated, and it went successfully for Captain Jack's side as not a single crew member of his lost their live. After the battle, the crew member approached Captain Jack, "Sir, why did you ask me to bring your shirt? and why specifically 'red'?" the crew member asked. Captain Jack, with a smile on his face, replied "So that in case I get wounded in battle, my crew would continue to fight!". The very next morning, the same crew member came up to Captain Jack with terror on his face "Sir! we have TEN enemy ships approaching us from behind, sir!!!". Captain Jack, stared dead serious at his face, then screamed "BRING ME MY BROWN PANTS!"

Why is it dangerous to drive near churches?

Because there is so much cross traffic.

Did you know that tornadoes can displace shellfish?

Apparently the locals in danger areas are able to identify oncoming bad weather due to the shellfish preceding it.

They call it the clam before the storm.

Jesus had a twin that was abducted shortly after birth

In other words, there was doppelganger stranger danger in the manger.

Have you heard the one about the suicidal farmer that liked to mutilate cows?

He was a danger to himself and udders.

What's the most dangerous Caribbean food?

Ricin peas.


Around 0AD childbirth was fraught with danger, but luckily for Jesus he was born in a stable condition

Women can be likened to roads

The more curves, the bigger the danger

Literary alcohol puns

I saw someone post some the other day. Has anyone thought of any new ones?

Here are a couple my friends and I thought of...

50 Shades of Grey Goose,
Into the Wild Turkey,
Beer and Present Danger,
Patriot Drinking Games,
The Sum of All Beers (I like Tom Clancy),
The Red Badge of Liquid Courage.

What is more dangerous than a polar bear?

A bi-polar bear.

Why is dangerous to have sex in canada

eh'ds everywhere

What's the world's most dangerous city?


What is more dangerous than a pitbull with AIDS ?

The guy who transmitted it to him.

How to make Danger jokes?

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