The Best 63 Damn Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Damn jokes. There are some damn dayum jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these damn geez puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Damn Jokes and Puns

Me: Damnit! The forecast shows up to 5 inches of snow!!

Wife: If I don't complain about a few inches, neither should you.

If that fly laid eggs in Pence's hair

...He damn well better carry them to full term!

Parents in 2020 B.C. vs Parents in 2020 A.D.

"These kids and their damn tablets"

Besides humans dolphins are one of very few species that have sex for fun..

But damn, I still don't like that weird silence in the car every morning I take them back to the zoo.

Do you ever looked at someone and think, "DAMN this guy is UGLY as F**K"?

Anyway, I'm getting rid of all the mirrors in my house.


An African man visits his friend in the US

I just flew in yesterday the African man says And boy are my arms tired!

You know, that's kind of an old joke here in America replied his friend.

Joke? The African man said. I've been holding my hands in the air yelling 'don't shoot' ever since I got to this damn country .

My wife didn't like the wooden shoes I made for her, tried to flush them down the toilet.

Now the damn thing's clogged.

A friend was complaining about Italians. Damn those Italians and their slanted eyes! , he said.

I replied, I think you mean *italics*.

I took my Sister-in-Law out yesterday evening.

Damn I love being a sniper.

Damn. My wife just found out that after I got my Bachelor degree at the University of Barad-dΓ»r, I went back and got my Masters there...

I've been found guilty of second-degree Mordor.

Blood Doner

I tried donating Blood today. NEVER AGAIN! Too many stupid questions....
"Where did you get it?", "Who's blood is it?", "Why is it in a Bucket?".... Damn.

You can explore damn jeez reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean damn presumptuous dad jokes. There are also damn puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Two tapeworms are chilling wherever it is tapeworms chill at.

One of them says, "So I found this host the other day. Man, you should have seen him! Fat as a blimp, ate more food in one day than most people eat in a week. He was roomy and comfy and spent most of his time sitting or laying down, so I didn't even NOTICE the outside world!"

The other says, "Hot damn! Sounds like a paradise! Then why did you leave? Did he die or something?"

"Nope," answers the first. "But he reaaaaaaally loved Mexican food."

Damn girl you must be a bank account

Because I have zero interest

Talking clock

A man is showing his apartment to his friend.

The friend sees a large copper pan on the wall.

\- And what is this?

\- Its a talking clock!

\- Really how does it work?

The man hits the pan with all his might.

A voice is heard from behind the wall:





\- IT'S TWO O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING GOD DAMN IT!

Police stops a man and says, "You're supposed to be wearing glasses"

Man: I have contacts.

Policeman: I don't give a damn who you know.

What did god say when Eve went skinny dipping for the first time?

Damn, i will never get that scent out of my fish.

A guard abandoned his post due to overwhelming fear

He was called by his supervisor.

"Stand your ground, guard damn it!"

A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I was interested in taking part in a marathon.

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties. I thought "damn, I might actually win this".

If your man says he will do the job, he will damn do it

There is no point in reminding him every 6 months


Two Muffins are sitting in an oven...

... one muffin says to the other "Damn its starting to get really hot in here." The other one says, "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

Interviewer: what is your biggest weakness?

me: my weakness is honesty

Interviewer: I don't think honesty is a weakness

me: honestly, I don't give a damn about what you think.

My therapist asked me to write hate-letters to all my enemies and burn them

He didn't tell me what to do with those damn letters though.

My sister and her husband are throwing a gender reveal party for their soon to be born child.

I'm damn excited to know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt!

me: will this car fit 5 people?

**salesman:** yeah, without any problems.

**me:** damn! my homies have lots of those

Damn baby, are you GameStop?

Because I wanna blow everything I've got on you

Fiction Logic: How many anime dudes does it take to change a lightbulb

One...

But it takes them 10 god damn episodes.

An astronaut is making coffee onboard the ISS...

He turns to his crewmate and says:
"Damn, I can't find any milk for my coffee."

The crewmate replies:
"In space no one can, here use cream."

Damn girl, do you have Covid?

Because if you're talking to me, then you have no taste.

A bunch of hooligans are smashing up my shop and stealing musical instruments

Damn luters!

What has 2 butts and kill people?

An ass-ass-in

Laugh, damn it

I hate spring cleaning.

Damn things bounce all over the place.

I have one bad and one good news, which one you wanna first? Says the doctor

Patient: Ugh... the bad first.. go.

Doctor: OK you have terminal cancer and you'll probably die in a week

Patient: Oh damn wtf, what's the GOOD NEWS??

Doctor: Ohh you see that nurse over there? I think she's interested on me

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, " I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "your eyesight's damn near perfect."

He never even heard the shot

Why are pigs the worst drivers ever?

Because they hog the damn road.

To make it stand, you wet it.

To make it wet, you suck it.

To make it stiff, you lick it.

To get it in, you push it!

Damn! Threading a needle at any age is no joke.

Burying my wife made me feel like an iPhone

Was so damn hard throwing away the box I came in

A turtle walks into a bar.

A turtle walks into a bar and orders some water. The bartender gives that turtle a glass of water and the turtle slowly walks away with it. On the next day the turtle comes again with the same order. This repeats for four days, but on day 5 the bartender decides to ask the turtle:
- Man, why do you just order water. Wouldn't you like to try some vodka or something?
The turtle replies:
- Not now, man, my house is on fire, damn it!

Doctor: Your dad's not with us anymore

Me: Damn, what happened?

Doctor: He's at a different hospital

Me: Oh, whew

Doctor: Dead tho

Freudian slips

A woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says "Hey Doc, you know how we have been talking about Freudian slips? " "Well, I had the most amazing one last night". I was eating dinner with my wife, and I meant to say "would you please pass the salt dear?". But instead, I said "You God damn bitch, you're ruining my life".

The newly appointed army captain, while inspecting the soldiers' barracks, saw a female horse.

**Captain**: What's that horse for?
**Soldier**: Our men use her if they can no longer control the urge, sir.
**Captain**: Ah, that's fine then.
One lonely night, the captain felt the urge, so he asked the soldier to bring the horse to his tent. When the captain was done with the horse, he said to the soldier waiting outside his tent.
**Captain**: It's so damn hard! How the hell do you guys do it?
**Soldier**: We ride on the horse to the next town where the girls are, sir.

Mother in law and stairs

Two old friends meet each other after a long time:

A: Oh hey, what's new?

B: Nothing much, my mother in law died.

A: Oh really, damn, how?

B: She went downstairs to the basement to get some potatoes for lunch, fell and broke her neck.

A: That's tragic, what did you do then?

B: We ordered pizza.

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: Oh, that's when I went to Yale. Bit embarrassed about that.

Interviewer: Damn, embarassed about Yale? You're definitely hired!

Me: Thanks! I REALLY needed this yob.

A little girl goes to the pet store

She ask the owner of the store if he has any bunnies.

Well sure sweetie! He says and takes her to where the bunnies are, I have a few different bunnies I have this white one with floppy ears, or this fluffy little brown one, or I even have this cute one with black spots! What kind of bunny did you have in mind?

So the little girl looks over the bunnies and then back to the pet store owner and replies, quite frankly mister I don't think my snake gives a damn.

A woman purchased a new incense burner. However, she got very confused since it wasn't working.

It made no damn scents.

Last week I was invited to play in a golf tournament

At first I said, 'Naaahhh....' Then they said to me, 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.' Then I thought......... Damn -- I could win this thing!!!

Why are Male Prostitutes' more expensive than Female Prostitutes'?

The Price of wood is so damn high.....

Beavers are great dam builders and Canada's national animal.

That's why Canada is the best damn country in the world!

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

Say the same damn "HDMI" joke again, please don't.

Those damned Flat Earthers…

When will they finally realize that FLATTERY will get them nowhere?

A man is out buying bread in Soviet Russia

When he sees that the bakery is out of flour, he shouts:

"Damn this country, we are so poor, I haven't been able to get a loaf of bread in days"

A policeman hears that and approaches the man.

"Stop saying things like that or..." the policeman says as he uses his fingers to form a gun, points it toward the man and says "Bang!"

The man is stunned and walks home.

The wife sees that the man is shocked and asks:

"What happened? Did we run out of flour again?"

The man weakly replies:

"Not only that, it appears that we also ran out of bullets!"

And God said let there be light

Then on the 30th day, he received his bill and yelled…

Turn the damn thing off when you leave the room .

Telephone at the hotel reception:

\- Hello, I'm calling from room 303. Could you please send someone from the service? I'm arguing with my wife and she threatened to jump out the window.

\- Sorry, this is your private problem.

\- Yeah, right, but the damn window doesn't open, and that's your problem.

A doctor reaches into her pocket looking for a pen and instead pulls out a rectal thermometer. She says to herself ...

Damn some asshole took my pen

A Mexican man was found dead at the bottom of a lake.

He was tied up, had chains wrapped around him, and had seven bullet wounds.

When the local sheriff was asked what had happened, the sheriff replied, It is truly the worst damn case of suicide I've ever seen.

Pavlov was sitting in a bar and enjoying his beer during his spare time.

At that moment, bar phone rang loudly and Pavlov started worrying. Barman got curious and asked: "Sir, what's the problem?"
Pavlov stood up and shouted:"God damn it. I forgot to feed the dogs."

Hot Dog

A foreign tourist was taking a walk around New York, but was getting very hungry and had only 2 dollars on him . Then, he saw a hot dog stand with a sign "Hot Dog - 2$". Unable to understand what's the meaning of "hot dog", he took out the dictionary. After a brief moment, he looked up in confusion and thought: "If there is nothing to eat, I will eat the damn dog."

He ordered and got a long piece of bread with sausage in between it. He looked straight at the salesman eyes in frustration and asked: "From a whole dog, all I get is the dog's d\*ck?"

I'd been out drinking, and knew I'd had way too much to drive my car safely.

I knew there was a breath testing checkpoint between the bar and my place, so I decided to take a bus. Sure enough, when the bus reached the checkpoint we were waved through. This morning though when I woke up, hungover as balls, there was a damn bus on my lawn and I don't know what the hell is going on

John is playing golf with the vicar

He misses a three foot putt, and says "damn, missed the buggar."

The vicar warns him "keep talking like that and God will open up the heavens and strike you dead with lightning."

John then misses a two foot putt, and repeats "damn, missed the buggar."

Sure enough, God opens the heavens and sends down a lightning bolt, but it strikes the vicar and he falls over dead.

"Damn, missed the buggar." God says.

A guy wanks into a bra

..damn, autocorrect knows me too well.

Apparently it took Thomas Edison 1000 attempts to make the lightbulb.

Damn, he would have gone through some dark times.

A guy walks into a bar

Because he didn't look up from his damn phone

When I get home

Two guys were out walking home from work one afternoon. "Man," the first guy said, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip my wife's panties off!" "What's the rush?" his buddy asked. "The damn elastic in the legs is killing me!"

The Clock

A wife complains, "Our wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch." The husband mumbles, "Damn clock always was slow."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the damn goddamned jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working damn damn good sermon piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes