The Best 45 Damn Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Damn jokes. There are some damn dayum jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these damn geez puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Damn Jokes and Puns

"Well I'll be damned."

said atheist when rapture happened.

Damnit, just cut my thumb off with the tablesaw after I bent over to pick up what I thought was a thumb (ironically enough) off the ground

You win thumb, you lose thumb.

Damned if you do

Grandad: My sister drowned in a pond. Dreadfully sad...

Me: Oh my God, that's terrible!

Grandad: Not really. If she'd floated, we would have had to burn her!

Damned TSA

If airport security asks you if you have any weapons don't say, "No, I prefer to kill with my bare hands." They don't think it's funny, apparently.

Damnnn girl, are you a sandwich?

Cause you lookin in-bread


Me: Damnit! The forecast shows up to 5 inches of snow!!

Wife: If I don't complain about a few inches, neither should you.

If that fly laid eggs in Pence's hair

...He damn well better carry them to full term!

Parents in 2020 B.C. vs Parents in 2020 A.D.

"These kids and their damn tablets"

Besides humans dolphins are one of very few species that have sex for fun..

But damn, I still don't like that weird silence in the car every morning I take them back to the zoo.

Do you ever looked at someone and think, "DAMN this guy is UGLY as F**K"?

Anyway, I'm getting rid of all the mirrors in my house.

An African man visits his friend in the US

I just flew in yesterday the African man says And boy are my arms tired!

You know, that's kind of an old joke here in America replied his friend.

Joke? The African man said. I've been holding my hands in the air yelling 'don't shoot' ever since I got to this damn country .

You can explore damn jeez reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean damn presumptuous dad jokes. There are also damn puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


My wife didn't like the wooden shoes I made for her, tried to flush them down the toilet.

Now the damn thing's clogged.

A friend was complaining about Italians. Damn those Italians and their slanted eyes! , he said.

I replied, I think you mean *italics*.

I took my Sister-in-Law out yesterday evening.

Damn I love being a sniper.

Damn. My wife just found out that after I got my Bachelor degree at the University of Barad-dรปr, I went back and got my Masters there...

I've been found guilty of second-degree Mordor.

Blood Doner

I tried donating Blood today. NEVER AGAIN! Too many stupid questions....
"Where did you get it?", "Who's blood is it?", "Why is it in a Bucket?".... Damn.

Two tapeworms are chilling wherever it is tapeworms chill at.

One of them says, "So I found this host the other day. Man, you should have seen him! Fat as a blimp, ate more food in one day than most people eat in a week. He was roomy and comfy and spent most of his time sitting or laying down, so I didn't even NOTICE the outside world!"

The other says, "Hot damn! Sounds like a paradise! Then why did you leave? Did he die or something?"

"Nope," answers the first. "But he reaaaaaaally loved Mexican food."

Damn girl you must be a bank account

Because I have zero interest

Talking clock

A man is showing his apartment to his friend.

The friend sees a large copper pan on the wall.

\- And what is this?

\- Its a talking clock!

\- Really how does it work?

The man hits the pan with all his might.

A voice is heard from behind the wall:





\- IT'S TWO O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING GOD DAMN IT!


Police stops a man and says, "You're supposed to be wearing glasses"

Man: I have contacts.

Policeman: I don't give a damn who you know.

What did god say when Eve went skinny dipping for the first time?

Damn, i will never get that scent out of my fish.

A guard abandoned his post due to overwhelming fear

He was called by his supervisor.

"Stand your ground, guard damn it!"

A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I was interested in taking part in a marathon.

I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties. I thought "damn, I might actually win this".

If your man says he will do the job, he will damn do it

There is no point in reminding him every 6 months

Two Muffins are sitting in an oven...

... one muffin says to the other "Damn its starting to get really hot in here." The other one says, "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

Interviewer: what is your biggest weakness?

me: my weakness is honesty

Interviewer: I don't think honesty is a weakness

me: honestly, I don't give a damn about what you think.

A man, frantic rushes up to the bar

Gimme twelve shots quick!! He says. The bartender starts pouring them out as the man starts slamming them. After the last shot the bartender says "damn! You sure drank those fast!! The man says "buddy, you'd drink fast too, if you had what I got!" "Jeeze, what do you have bud?" The bartender says. The man says "about 75 cents".

My therapist asked me to write hate-letters to all my enemies and burn them

He didn't tell me what to do with those damn letters though.

My sister and her husband are throwing a gender reveal party for their soon to be born child.

I'm damn excited to know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt!

me: will this car fit 5 people?

**salesman:** yeah, without any problems.

**me:** damn! my homies have lots of those

Damn baby, are you GameStop?

Because I wanna blow everything I've got on you

Fiction Logic: How many anime dudes does it take to change a lightbulb

One...

But it takes them 10 god damn episodes.

An astronaut is making coffee onboard the ISS...

He turns to his crewmate and says:
"Damn, I can't find any milk for my coffee."

The crewmate replies:
"In space no one can, here use cream."

Damn girl, do you have Covid?

Because if you're talking to me, then you have no taste.

A bunch of hooligans are smashing up my shop and stealing musical instruments

Damn luters!

What has 2 butts and kill people?

An ass-ass-in

Laugh, damn it

I hate spring cleaning.

Damn things bounce all over the place.

I have one bad and one good news, which one you wanna first? Says the doctor

Patient: Ugh... the bad first.. go.

Doctor: OK you have terminal cancer and you'll probably die in a week

Patient: Oh damn wtf, what's the GOOD NEWS??

Doctor: Ohh you see that nurse over there? I think she's interested on me

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, " I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "your eyesight's damn near perfect."

He never even heard the shot

Why are pigs the worst drivers ever?

Because they hog the damn road.

To make it stand, you wet it.

To make it wet, you suck it.

To make it stiff, you lick it.

To get it in, you push it!

Damn! Threading a needle at any age is no joke.

Burying my wife made me feel like an iPhone

Was so damn hard throwing away the box I came in

A turtle walks into a bar.

A turtle walks into a bar and orders some water. The bartender gives that turtle a glass of water and the turtle slowly walks away with it. On the next day the turtle comes again with the same order. This repeats for four days, but on day 5 the bartender decides to ask the turtle:
- Man, why do you just order water. Wouldn't you like to try some vodka or something?
The turtle replies:
- Not now, man, my house is on fire, damn it!

Doctor: Your dad's not with us anymore

Me: Damn, what happened?

Doctor: He's at a different hospital

Me: Oh, whew

Doctor: Dead tho

Freudian slips

A woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says "Hey Doc, you know how we have been talking about Freudian slips? " "Well, I had the most amazing one last night". I was eating dinner with my wife, and I meant to say "would you please pass the salt dear?". But instead, I said "You God damn bitch, you're ruining my life".

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the damn goddamned jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working damn damn good sermon piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes