Dammit Jokes

Following is our collection of duh puns and livid one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Dammit jokes for adults, dirty jeez jokes and clean goddammit dad gags for kids.

The Best Dammit Puns

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe dammit, BREATHE!

*In the ER* "We're losing him, anyone have any ideas?"

"How about 50 cc's of a cool refreshing beverage?"

"Dammit Dr. Pepper not now!"

*Using Ouija board* Hello is anyone there?








Dammit this is a Soulja board

A man calls up his hotel's reception

He says, "Please send someone over, I'm having an argument with my wife and she's threatening to jump out the window."

The manager replies, "I'm sorry sir, but we cannot intervene, this seems to be a personal issue."

"Dammit man, this is a maintenance issue; I can't get the window open!"

A couple of Irishmen are walking down a country road . . .

They see a sign that says "Tree Fellers wanted".

One of them turns to the other and says, "Dammit. Too bad there's only two of us."

A nurse pulls a rectal thermometer out of her shirt pocket and says ...

"Dammit, some asshole's got my pen."

I saw my sister masturbating with a carrot......

I said, Come on, dammit, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like carrots!"

Look Ma! No hands!

Dammit Jimmy those prosthetics were expensive!

Splitting the Red Sea

Moses was leading the Jews while being chased by the Pharaoh and his men. In a moment of foolishness, he walked right up to the Red Sea. They were trapped.
"God dammit," said Moses.

So God did.

Guy walks into a bar and says I need 6 shots of Jack quick!...quicker... Hurry dammit!!!

Come on man, you'd be drinking quick too, if you had what I have!!!

So the bartender offers up the shots 'If you don't mind me asking... What is that you have?'

Man looks him in the eye, whiskey dripping off his chin and says... 40 cents.

What did one beaver say to the other beaver when he fell in the river?


An e-girl hit my dms and asked if I wanted to buy nudes.

I said nah I'm broke I don't have any money. She said cmon they're really cheap. And I said no Im still broke and she said pleeeeeeeaaaase it's only 3.50 and then I realized that this e-girl was about 8 stories tall and was a crustacean from the protozoic era. I said dammit Loch Ness monster I ain't giving you no tree fiddy.

Preacher gets pulled over.

The officer asks for ID, when he says

"what have you had to drink tonight?"

The preacher replies

"Only water, sir."

The officer insists "I distinctly smell wine on your breath!"

The preacher, with a confident retort, says

"Dammit, he's done it again."

Knock knock!

Who's there?


Ach who?

Get away from me, dammit!

A daughter walks up to her dad and confesses that she's lesbian.

"Ok," the dad says. The second daughter also confesses that she is lesbian.

"God dammit, is there anyone in this house who loves men?"

"I do," the son says.

A cop pulls over Heisenburg, and says...

Do you know you were going 100 miles per hour?

Heisenburg then replied, exasperatedly, "Dammit, now I'm lost!"

A doctor rushes out of the hospital to sign a contract at his lawyer's office. Reaching into his jacket pocket he pulls out a rectal thermometer...

"Dammit, some asshole's got my pen again!"

A fire breaks out in the kitchen.

The man rushes over to the emergency station and comes back with a large red tube. He points it at the fire and squeezes the lever. The tube says, that's a grease fire! The man looks closer at what he's carrying. Dammit, he says, I accidentally bought a fire distinguisher!

So a man walks into a bar

And the warden said "dammit jim, i told you not to put the blind person in the standard jail cell"

Today I broke a G string while fingering A minor

Dammit, playing guitar is hard!

My doctor was having trouble writing my prescription

I said: "Doctor, you've got a rectal thermometer in your hand!"

He replied: "Dammit! Some asshole's got my pen!"

Deleted and reposting myself due to a typo in the title

A man wakes up in the hospital after electrocuting himself...

Doctor: What is your name?

Man: Steven

Doctor: Good. Who is the current US President?

Man: Obama

Doctor: Oh no that is incorrect it is President Trump

Man: Dammit it didn't work

At The Nikon Headquarters

We need random people in a room to test and sample our new lenses

"A focus group?"


A proctologist ate at a fine restaurant.

When the check came, he pulled out a rectal thermometer and, annoyed, said "Dammit, some dirty bum's got my pen!"

I'm saving up my money for a sex change operation...

...and I don't care how much my wife protests it.

I wanted a boy, dammit.

A fish runs in to a wall and says...

"Dammit Donald!"

What is a profane chef's least favorite fish to work with?

Cod, dammit.

I found the perfect addition to any kitchen. Blend, mix, chop...even bake!

It's called a wife.

Ow! Dammit, that hurt! Apparently can throw really well too.

I like to start my mornings with a nice warm cup of Joe...

...But dammit, his fingers keep clogging up my blender!

What did the doctor say to the midget in a turban?

You're a little Sikh

edit - dammit just realised this is way better if the title reads 'What did the Italian doctor say to the midget in a turban?'

The fish said to the... no the fish over heard... dammit that's not it...

Okay I had a really good fish joke but forgot it, be patient walleye think it over.

Asurgeon had been a long time hunting

"Dammit I didn't kill anything" he exclaimen when he got back to the hospital. "I should've just stayed here" he muttered.

My dad told me I was no son of his.

Then my mom said "Dammit how did he know?"

Autocorrect can be a real birch.


Alcoholism is the only disease you get yelled at for having

Dammit Otto, you're an alcoholic

Dammit Otto, you have lupus

One of those doesn't sound right

RIP Mitch Hedberg

[NSFW] My doctor was having trouble writing my prescriptio,

I said: "Doctor, you've got a rectal thermometer in your hand!"

He replied: "Dammit! Some asshole's got my pen!"

Roses are white...

Roses are white...
Violets are white...
Everything is white,
Dammit it's snowing.

All around me are familiar faces...

God dammit. One day in going to find my way out of this hall of mirrors.

I have a problem where I talk about myself alot...

like this one time, I was in the middle of a funeral and... oh god dammit.

What did the ancient Egyptians say when they didn't get into the afterlife?


Never Forget

Girl: Can you finger me?

Boy: Sure.

Girl: Oh yeah that feels good.

--------- 1 Day Later -----------

Girl: I'm pregnant.

Boy: Dammit I forgot to wash my hands.

Blind man and cabbage

A blind man walks into a bar with a cabbage on a lead.

The bartender asks him why he has a cabbage on the lead, Cabbage? he replies... "oh god dammit... i got ripped off ... i was told it a collie!"

I still remember my fathers last words...

Stop shaking the ladder, dammit!

He was a wonderful man.

Do you know what's the God's last name?


I relish the opportunity to mix up the names of condiments


2 chemists walk into a bar

Chemist 1: I'll have some H2O
Chemist 2: I'll have some H2O also
Bartender, who is secretly chemist 2's archenemy: *under breath* dammit. So close.

Dammit, I just burned my Hawaiian pizza

Maybe I should have cooked it on aloha temperature

My doctor said my heart's not healthy enough for sex so dammit, I'm gonna die doing what I love:

Traumatizing my wife!

2 friends were talking...

Girl: God dammit, I've lost my keys again!

Boy:Next time, why don't you try putting them near something you can't lose.

Girl: So should I put them next to your virginity?

"Mom, I don't want to go to school. Everyone bullies me and laughs at me, even the teachers"

"God dammit, Seymour. You have to go. You're the principal!

"Mom, I don't want to go to school..."

"God dammit Frank. You have to go, you're the principal"


I missed the Blink 182 show.

My bird puns are so EGG-cellent

- Do you wanna hear a bird pun?
- No
- Well... this is HAWK-ward
- dammit

Dad is at it again...

Dad: "Hey son, do you know why there is no gambling in Africa?"

Son: "No, why is there no gambling?"

Dad: "It's because there's too many cheetahs."

Son: "God dammit, dad."

Bad News & Good News.

"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client.

"What's the bad news?"
The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."

"Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"
"Well," the lawyer says, **"Your cholesterol is down to 140."**

Doctor: Come on, lots of medical professionals sleep with their patients

Wife: Dammit, John, you're a veterinarian!

So Moses and Jesus is walking along the beach

Moses asks Jesus, hey man can you still walk on water?

Jesus is like ya sure? I am the son of God and whatever.

So Jesus walks out onto the water a bit and sinks about 2 inches.

What the heck man? Says Moses.

Ahh dammit! It's these holes in my feet!

There is an abundance of ahh jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 57 funniest jokes and dammit puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any argh witze you can hear about dammit.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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