The Best 57 Dammit Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Dammit jokes. There are some dammit livid jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these dammit goddammit puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Dammit Jokes and Puns

A cop pulls over Heisenburg, and says...

Do you know you were going 100 miles per hour?

Heisenburg then replied, exasperatedly, "Dammit, now I'm lost!"

I'm saving up my money for a sex change operation...

...and I don't care how much my wife protests it.

I wanted a boy, dammit.

So Moses and Jesus is walking along the beach

Moses asks Jesus, hey man can you still walk on water?

Jesus is like ya sure? I am the son of God and whatever.

So Jesus walks out onto the water a bit and sinks about 2 inches.

What the heck man? Says Moses.

Ahh dammit! It's these holes in my feet!

Dammit joke, So Moses and Jesus is walking along the beach

Doctor: Come on, lots of medical professionals sleep with their patients

Wife: Dammit, John, you're a veterinarian!

Preacher gets pulled over.

The officer asks for ID, when he says

"what have you had to drink tonight?"

The preacher replies

"Only water, sir."

The officer insists "I distinctly smell wine on your breath!"

The preacher, with a confident retort, says

"Dammit, he's done it again."

Blind man and cabbage

A blind man walks into a bar with a cabbage on a lead.

The bartender asks him why he has a cabbage on the lead, Cabbage? he replies... "oh god dammit... i got ripped off ... i was told it a collie!"

At The Nikon Headquarters

We need random people in a room to test and sample our new lenses

"A focus group?"


Dammit joke, At The Nikon Headquarters

The fish said to the... no the fish over heard... dammit that's not it...

Okay I had a really good fish joke but forgot it, be patient walleye think it over.

Dad is at it again...

Dad: "Hey son, do you know why there is no gambling in Africa?"

Son: "No, why is there no gambling?"

Dad: "It's because there's too many cheetahs."

Son: "God dammit, dad."

Splitting the Red Sea

Moses was leading the Jews while being chased by the Pharaoh and his men. In a moment of foolishness, he walked right up to the Red Sea. They were trapped.
"God dammit," said Moses.

So God did.

Never Forget

Girl: Can you finger me?

Boy: Sure.

Girl: Oh yeah that feels good.

--------- 1 Day Later -----------

Girl: I'm pregnant.

Boy: Dammit I forgot to wash my hands.

You can explore dammit duh reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean dammit jeez dad jokes. There are also dammit puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

I may not show up to work on time, but dammit I leave early.

What did the doctor say to the midget in a turban?

You're a little Sikh

edit - dammit just realised this is way better if the title reads 'What did the Italian doctor say to the midget in a turban?'

Autocorrect can be a real birch.


My dad told me I was no son of his.

Then my mom said "Dammit how did he know?"

A man calls up his hotel's reception

He says, "Please send someone over, I'm having an argument with my wife and she's threatening to jump out the window."

The manager replies, "I'm sorry sir, but we cannot intervene, this seems to be a personal issue."

"Dammit man, this is a maintenance issue; I can't get the window open!"

Dammit joke, A man calls up his hotel's reception

Today I broke a G string while fingering A minor

Dammit, playing guitar is hard!

A couple of Irishmen are walking down a country road . . .

They see a sign that says "Tree Fellers wanted".

One of them turns to the other and says, "Dammit. Too bad there's only two of us."

A fish runs in to a wall and says...

"Dammit Donald!"

My bird puns are so EGG-cellent

- Do you wanna hear a bird pun?
- No
- Well... this is HAWK-ward
- dammit

*In the ER* "We're losing him, anyone have any ideas?"

"How about 50 cc's of a cool refreshing beverage?"

"Dammit Dr. Pepper not now!"

What did the ancient Egyptians say when they didn't get into the afterlife?


What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe dammit, BREATHE!

Alcoholism is the only disease you get yelled at for having

Dammit Otto, you're an alcoholic

Dammit Otto, you have lupus

One of those doesn't sound right

RIP Mitch Hedberg

I like to start my mornings with a nice warm cup of Joe...

...But dammit, his fingers keep clogging up my blender!

A doctor rushes out of the hospital to sign a contract at his lawyer's office. Reaching into his jacket pocket he pulls out a rectal thermometer...

"Dammit, some asshole's got my pen again!"

I have a problem where I talk about myself alot...

like this one time, I was in the middle of a funeral and... oh god dammit.

All around me are familiar faces...

God dammit. One day in going to find my way out of this hall of mirrors.

So a man walks into a bar

And the warden said "dammit jim, i told you not to put the blind person in the standard jail cell"

A man wakes up in the hospital after electrocuting himself...

Doctor: What is your name?

Man: Steven

Doctor: Good. Who is the current US President?

Man: Obama

Doctor: Oh no that is incorrect it is President Trump

Man: Dammit it didn't work

A daughter walks up to her dad and confesses that she's lesbian.

"Ok," the dad says. The second daughter also confesses that she is lesbian.

"God dammit, is there anyone in this house who loves men?"

"I do," the son says.

Roses are white...

Roses are white...
Violets are white...
Everything is white,
Dammit it's snowing.

"Mom, I don't want to go to school..."

"God dammit Frank. You have to go, you're the principal"

Asurgeon had been a long time hunting

"Dammit I didn't kill anything" he exclaimen when he got back to the hospital. "I should've just stayed here" he muttered.

2 friends were talking...

Girl: God dammit, I've lost my keys again!

Boy:Next time, why don't you try putting them near something you can't lose.

Girl: So should I put them next to your virginity?

I saw my sister masturbating with a carrot......

I said, Come on, dammit, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like carrots!"

[NSFW] My doctor was having trouble writing my prescriptio,

I said: "Doctor, you've got a rectal thermometer in your hand!"

He replied: "Dammit! Some asshole's got my pen!"

My doctor was having trouble writing my prescription

I said: "Doctor, you've got a rectal thermometer in your hand!"

He replied: "Dammit! Some asshole's got my pen!"

Deleted and reposting myself due to a typo in the title

*Using Ouija board* Hello is anyone there?








Dammit this is a Soulja board

I found the perfect addition to any kitchen. Blend, mix, chop...even bake!

It's called a wife.

Ow! Dammit, that hurt! Apparently can throw really well too.

A proctologist ate at a fine restaurant.

When the check came, he pulled out a rectal thermometer and, annoyed, said "Dammit, some dirty bum's got my pen!"

A nurse pulls a rectal thermometer out of her shirt pocket and says ...

"Dammit, some asshole's got my pen."

My doctor said my heart's not healthy enough for sex so dammit, I'm gonna die doing what I love:

Traumatizing my wife!

Dammit, I just burned my Hawaiian pizza

Maybe I should have cooked it on aloha temperature

2 chemists walk into a bar

Chemist 1: I'll have some H2O
Chemist 2: I'll have some H2O also
Bartender, who is secretly chemist 2's archenemy: *under breath* dammit. So close.

I relish the opportunity to mix up the names of condiments


What did one beaver say to the other beaver when he fell in the river?


What is a profane chef's least favorite fish to work with?

Cod, dammit.

Knock knock!

Who's there?


Ach who?

Get away from me, dammit!

Guy walks into a bar and says I need 6 shots of Jack quick!...quicker... Hurry dammit!!!

Come on man, you'd be drinking quick too, if you had what I have!!!

So the bartender offers up the shots 'If you don't mind me asking... What is that you have?'

Man looks him in the eye, whiskey dripping off his chin and says... 40 cents.

An e-girl hit my dms and asked if I wanted to buy nudes.

I said nah I'm broke I don't have any money. She said cmon they're really cheap. And I said no Im still broke and she said pleeeeeeeaaaase it's only 3.50 and then I realized that this e-girl was about 8 stories tall and was a crustacean from the protozoic era. I said dammit Loch Ness monster I ain't giving you no tree fiddy.

A fire breaks out in the kitchen.

The man rushes over to the emergency station and comes back with a large red tube. He points it at the fire and squeezes the lever. The tube says, that's a grease fire! The man looks closer at what he's carrying. Dammit, he says, I accidentally bought a fire distinguisher!

Look Ma! No hands!

Dammit Jimmy those prosthetics were expensive!

We all know the story about Eve eating the apple in the Garden of Eden...

But God also forbade Eve from bathing in the nearby river. One day God came down from heaven to find Eve disregarding his command, washing herself in the river.

God put his hands on his hips and shook his head. "Dammit! I'm never going to get that smell out of the fish."

A nurse goes to make a note on a chart, but when she reaches into her pocket, she pulls out a rectal thermometer.

Annoyed, she mutters to herself, "dammit, some asshole has got my pen."

Woman is standing on the balcony rails

She is ready to jump as her husband is standing next to her. She says
-Im a sick of this world and you
The kids are horrible and do not let me sleep
I live in a horrible flat and everything is broken
I don't have any money for myself
And God dammit stop pushing me Carl!

(I again believe this might have been already seen by more people than*(edit thanks to @apocalypse) I would like to)

Two women go to a hospital for tests.

One of them is worried she might be pregnant, and the other one has the sniffles. They get tested, but their results get switched. The woman with the sniffles receives the result saying that she's pregnant.

"Dammit!!" she exclaims, "You can't even trust vegetables anymore!"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the dammit ahh jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working dammit argh piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes