Damage Jokes

Following is our collection of extensive puns and discomfort one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Damage jokes for adults, dirty severe jokes and clean destruction dad gags for kids.

The Best Damage Puns

Someone keyed the music teacher's car

Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor

You know what hurts my feelings?

Nerve damage

A teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Little Johnny raised his hand. The
teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Johnny before. She
finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word 'fascinate', so
she called on him. Johnny said, "My
Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten
buttons, but her boobs are so big she
can only fasten eight."

Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.

"My mate came off his motorbike today," he said.

"Oh really?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied. "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."

"Blimey," I said. "No wonder he came off it then."

A Paladin goes into a mechanic's shop...

A paladin goes in to a mechanic's shop, and says "Hey, you've got to help me. Normally, I'm a perfect, upstanding paladin. I help old ladies cross the street, I tithe, I slay evil demons. But when I get in my car, I only have the urge to cause property damage and run people over. What's going on?"

The mechanic responds almost immediately. "Oh, yeah. What you've got there is a problem with your alignment."

Thankfully, someone created an online resource for everyone who suffered retinal damage watching the solar eclipse.

It truly is a site for sore eyes.

I crashed into the back of a dwarf's car...

He got out, looked at the damage and said "I'm not happy". So I replied " Which one are you then?"

LPT: If your phone gets water damage, leave it in a bowl of rice overnight.

When you're sleeping, Asians will come to eat the rice and will fix your phone for fun

If Croatia loses tomorrow, all of England will hope to beat their biggest rival on Sunday:

Liver damage

Your momma's so fat

she gave her memory foam mattress brain damage....

There was a fire at my local dollar store

Damage is estimated to be in the tens of dollars

No harm done.

I got bit on the leg by a sheep today, didn't do too much damage though.

Just grazed the knee.

The little boy was in a bus eating a chocolate

The little boy was in a bus eating a chocolate, then he took another one and then another ...

A man next to him said, "Do you know that too much of it will damage your teeth??"

The boy replied, "My grandfather lived for 132 years"

The man asked , "Was it because of eating chocolate?"

The boy replied, "No, he was always minding his own business!".

I crashed into the back of someones car on the way home from work...

I got out to check the damage and a midget jumped out of the drivers seat shouting,

"I'm not happy!"

I took one look and replied,

"well which one are you then?"

Winds of 108mph, structural damage, flying debris, massive depression, icy blasts, communication difficulties, untold misery and suffering...

Yes, I forgot our anniversary again.

Cigarette packets says smoking kills so I stopped smoking them

I just smoke the ones that seriously damage health instead

The pope blessed the people of Ireland today.

So don't pick a fight with an Irishman. For a short time, all their attacks do maximum damage.

A guy isn't paying attention and rear ends someone at the traffic lights...

...He gets out of his car to inspect the damage and a dwarf gets out of the other car. He says "I'm not happy, you know"!

The guy says "No? Well which one are you then"?

Little boy on bus sitting next to an old man.

A little boy on bus was eating a chocolate. Then he took another one out from his bag and ate it, and then another one.
An old man sitting next to him said: "Do you know too much of it will damage your teeth."

The boy replied: "You know, my grandfather lived for 122 years."
Old Man said: "Was it because of eating chocolate?"

The boy replied:"No, He was always minding his own business."

A lady was driving along the highway...

...when suddenly she is distracted and crashes into the car in front of her, causing a bit of damage. She immediately jumps out of her car to give her details to the person she's crashed into. She walks to the driver's door and out hops a dwarfed man. 'I'm very sorry for the accident I've caused,' the lady says, 'I'll pay for any damage.' To which the dwarf replies, 'I'm not happy...' The lady says, 'If you're not happy, then which one are you?'

I was reading the other day about the damage that cigarettes can do to children.

The first thought that hit me was "What ever happened to using ashtrays?".

What did the German general say to the fuhrer when ice chunks started to damage the planes?

Hail, Hitler!

A blonde teen goes to the doctor complaining of chest pain

Doctor : I guess I need see an x Ray to determine any damage to ribs

Blonde : Promise to delete after seeing

Job Security

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Joe was hired by a warehouse.

One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.

Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Joe's wages to pay for the repairs.

"How much will it cost?" asked Joe.

"About $5,500," said the owner.

"What a relief!" exclaimed Joe. "I've finally got job security!"

I got hit in the head when someone threw a can of cod liver oil at me yesterday...

Luckily the damage was just super fish oil

I fell over a toilet roll display at my local supermarket

I cut my leg badly and was rushed to hospital. I said to the doctor, "what's the damage" He replied, "just some torn tissue".

A blond walks into the hospital with a shattered right hand...

The doctor asks "what happened?"

So she says, "I was feeling really depressed so I took a gun, held it to my left ear and fired."

The doctor says "how did that damage your hand?"

"Well, before I fired I thought that it might be loud so I plugged the other ear."

COVID-19 can damage the heart, lung, and brain.

Luckily for Trump, he just needs to worry about lung damage.

What is Two Face's favorite type of vehicular damage?

An R.V. dent.

Two med students are walking down the street...

When they see an older gentleman limping in front of them. Every time he took a step his right foot would shake.
"I bet it is a degenerative nerve damage issue" says the first one.
"It looks more like a hip joint issue" says the second.
They argue for a while and then decide to ask the man what his problem is.
The gentleman listens to them and then he says:
"I thought it was only a fart"

My brother threw a can of Pepsi at me from the roof...

I'm just glad it was a soft drink otherwise that may have caused some serious damage.

My doctor said I should stop thinking so much, it's bad for my health and could damage my liver

He also say's I'm half deaf

I am not turning my clocks back in November.

I am not giving 2020 an extra hour's worth of damage.

If someone gets burn damage and needs a skin graft, can I donate buttock tissue to help them?

Ass skin for a friend.

What do you call it when two ladders fall down?

Co-ladder-al damage.

I was walking through a supermarket when a tower of toilet paper fell on me

I'm worried I have soft tissue damage.

An ISIS attack wouldn't do any damage to Chicago

What's one more pot hole?

What does 1 HP of damage in real life?

This trend, every time I see it.

What does an angry narcissist and a rooster have in common?

When a rooster crows, their hearing closes off so they don't damage their hearing. The narcissist does the same when yelling.

What's the difference between a republican and a democrat?

How much damage can their Weiner make...

What are you watching tonight?

The game where players make enough money to risk getting brain damage, or the debate where the players already have brain damage?

Q tips can cause brain damage.

Be careful not to put disinformation too far into your ear canal.

If I had a nickel

If I had a nickel for every time I hit my head, I'd have brain damage.

Given how much damage Trump is doing to the environment...

his secret service code name is officially "Agent Orange".

I met a girl at a bar...

Things were getting hot and heavy and she said lets get out of here. I said where do you want to go back to? She said in a seductive voice, "wherever we can cause the most damage".
So I took her to my therapist.

I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.

I call it "Book Club"

My ex called me today, begging me to look at an MRI she had recently

She said it would prove she had been acting crazy due to brain damage. Having been lied to so many times before I scoffed. Told her I wasn't having any of her psycho schematic bullshit

A tree fell on our car during the recent Hurricane, and my dad won't get it repaired. He even named the damage.

Harvey Dent

Why is it illegal to commit suicide?

You aren't allowed to damage the government's property.

I was driving my moms car.

I was driving my moms car and she was yelling at me. Then i crashed her car into the garage she told me "You have to pay for the damage you've done." So now when i get the bill from the therapist i send it to her.

What is it called when starvation causes brain damage?

A hungry hungry hippocampus!

Kids are a great gift...

if only the unwrapping process didn't damage the box so much.

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

By giving it severe permanent brain damage.

I hate working with my hands.

One is always asleep, the other one can't feel a thing.

I hate nerve damage.

What happens if you step on a d4?

You take 1d4 damage.

A part of a tree fell on my car!

Luckily, that leaf didn't do much damage.

A local Game Stop burnt to the ground. An insurance adjuster came out to inspect the damage

After looking at the rubble, he asked the manager if the building was a new structure. The manager said, "I don't think so, it was built in the 1970s."

The adjuster said, "I that case, the best payout I can give you is $50,000. If it was a new building I could have given you 95,000.

A worker at the Taxidermy Department Store notices some damage to a couple of grizzly exhibits

The front right leg on each of the works has been removed.

The worker sprints to the front of the store to alert his manager of the vandalism. On his way, he spies a redneck carrying the missing appendages.

"SIR!" the worker shouts. "You have damaged valuable pieces of merchandise. Exit the store. IMMEDIATELY!"

"Why?" drawls the redneck innocently. "I have the right two bear arms!"

I was painting a ladies deck and noticed she had some carpenter bee damage.

She nearly slapped me when I offered to make the necessary repairs. I suppose I shouldn't have asked her if she wanted me to shove some caulk in her bee holes

There was a situation where malware was shown as a kitten meme

The damage it caused was catastrophic

I was in a horrible accident a few years ago, and I suffered some brain damage and lost feeling to my whole left side.

I'm feeling all right now

I was asked to come to a party by my friend when it is still banned because of the Coronavirus.

Me: Sorry can't come

Friend: Why not

Me: Might get arrested

Friend: So what it'll be such a great party you won't care about a petty fine

Me: But I'll be on the police database which could damage my future career

Friend: What do you want to be?

Me: A criminal

There was a frozen ball of ice hurdling towards the earth.

Scientists had first guessed it was too small to do much damage.

Later, they reassessed and realized this collision would be on par with the impact that wiped out the dinosaurs.

It was an underrated comet.

Pain is temporary...

Brain damage is forever.

What is the lesson of Aesop's "The Fox and The Grapes"?

Grow green grapes to avoid damage and loss.

A large battleship has taken damage and is sinking...

The captain gathers everyone on deck and explains the situation, and solemnly asks if anyone knows any good prayers. The yeoman steps up and says that years of seminary have made him and the Lord really close and he has just a prayer for this situation.

The captain says "Good, you get to stay behind we only have enough life jackets for everyone else."

In the wake of Hurricane Florence, residents of North Carolina are returning home to deal with flood damage, mold, and apparently with the arrival of the President...

Tiny mushrooms.

My friends said they couldn't reach me after I went blind and suffered brain damage

I told them I was out of sight, out of mind

What's a similarity between a bullet and a employee

For starters, they both do damage to the surrounding area when fired

God knows how many souls could have been saved ..

If the demonic possession hasn't been so often misdiagnosed for brain damage ...

What do you call a hail damage repair expert?

A dentist.

Bill Gates had vandals throwing rocks at his house.

Not much damage but he's had to reinstall his Windows.

Bad weather?

FEMA representative: During the last storm did you receive any damage to your property?

Homeowner: Hail, yes.

A man walks into a bar

Looking at a mirror to survey the damage he sees a marking stamped into his forehead. REPOST it said.

Picking people up

Strong people don't put others down. They pick them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.

I ran in to my ex today...

Totally worth the damage to my truck!

Jesus saves...

...everyone else takes full damage.

My friend told me that storm Diana was on its way from the east, bringing high winds and rain and it could cause a lot of damage.

I told him not to worry as it would probably crash out in France

There is an abundance of havoc jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 78 funniest jokes and damage puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any devastate witze you can hear about damage.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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