The Best 78 Damage Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Damage jokes. There are some damage discomfort jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these damage destruction puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Damage Jokes and Puns
A blond walks into the hospital with a shattered right hand...
The doctor asks "what happened?"
So she says, "I was feeling really depressed so I took a gun, held it to my left ear and fired."
The doctor says "how did that damage your hand?"
"Well, before I fired I thought that it might be loud so I plugged the other ear."
No harm done.
I got bit on the leg by a sheep today, didn't do too much damage though.
Just grazed the knee.
A lady was driving along the highway...
...when suddenly she is distracted and crashes into the car in front of her, causing a bit of damage. She immediately jumps out of her car to give her details to the person she's crashed into. She walks to the driver's door and out hops a dwarfed man. 'I'm very sorry for the accident I've caused,' the lady says, 'I'll pay for any damage.' To which the dwarf replies, 'I'm not happy...' The lady says, 'If you're not happy, then which one are you?'
Winds of 108mph, structural damage, flying debris, massive depression, icy blasts, communication difficulties, untold misery and suffering...
Yes, I forgot our anniversary again.
I crashed into the back of someones car on the way home from work...
I got out to check the damage and a midget jumped out of the drivers seat shouting,
"I'm not happy!"
I took one look and replied,
"well which one are you then?"
I crashed into the back of a dwarf's car...
He got out, looked at the damage and said "I'm not happy". So I replied " Which one are you then?"
I was in a horrible accident a few years ago, and I suffered some brain damage and lost feeling to my whole left side.
I'm feeling all right now
My doctor said I should stop thinking so much, it's bad for my health and could damage my liver
He also say's I'm half deaf
I fell over a toilet roll display at my local supermarket
I cut my leg badly and was rushed to hospital. I said to the doctor, "what's the damage" He replied, "just some torn tissue".
Little boy on bus sitting next to an old man.
A little boy on bus was eating a chocolate. Then he took another one out from his bag and ate it, and then another one.
An old man sitting next to him said: "Do you know too much of it will damage your teeth."
The boy replied: "You know, my grandfather lived for 122 years."
Old Man said: "Was it because of eating chocolate?"
The boy replied:"No, He was always minding his own business."
I was driving my moms car.
I was driving my moms car and she was yelling at me. Then i crashed her car into the garage she told me "You have to pay for the damage you've done." So now when i get the bill from the therapist i send it to her.
You can explore damage extensive reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean damage severe dad jokes. There are also damage puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
The little boy was in a bus eating a chocolate
The little boy was in a bus eating a chocolate, then he took another one and then another ...
A man next to him said, "Do you know that too much of it will damage your teeth??"
The boy replied, "My grandfather lived for 132 years"
The man asked , "Was it because of eating chocolate?"
The boy replied, "No, he was always minding his own business!".
An ISIS attack wouldn't do any damage to Chicago
What's one more pot hole?
I ran in to my ex today...
Totally worth the damage to my truck!
A Paladin goes into a mechanic's shop...
A paladin goes in to a mechanic's shop, and says "Hey, you've got to help me. Normally, I'm a perfect, upstanding paladin. I help old ladies cross the street, I tithe, I slay evil demons. But when I get in my car, I only have the urge to cause property damage and run people over. What's going on?"
The mechanic responds almost immediately. "Oh, yeah. What you've got there is a problem with your alignment."
My brother threw a can of Pepsi at me from the roof...
I'm just glad it was a soft drink otherwise that may have caused some serious damage.
Picking people up
Strong people don't put others down. They pick them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
LPT: If your phone gets water damage, leave it in a bowl of rice overnight.
When you're sleeping, Asians will come to eat the rice and will fix your phone for fun
Why is it illegal to commit suicide?
You aren't allowed to damage the government's property.
What are you watching tonight?
The game where players make enough money to risk getting brain damage, or the debate where the players already have brain damage?
What's the difference between a republican and a democrat?
How much damage can their Weiner make...
I met a girl at a bar...
Things were getting hot and heavy and she said lets get out of here. I said where do you want to go back to? She said in a seductive voice, "wherever we can cause the most damage".
So I took her to my therapist.
A part of a tree fell on my car!
Luckily, that leaf didn't do much damage.
You know what hurts my feelings?
Nerve damage
A guy isn't paying attention and rear ends someone at the traffic lights...
...He gets out of his car to inspect the damage and a dwarf gets out of the other car. He says "I'm not happy, you know"!
The guy says "No? Well which one are you then"?
What happens if you step on a d4?
You take 1d4 damage.
Given how much damage Trump is doing to the environment...
his secret service code name is officially "Agent Orange".
I hate working with my hands.
One is always asleep, the other one can't feel a thing.
I hate nerve damage.
Job Security
After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Joe was hired by a warehouse.
One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.
Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Joe's wages to pay for the repairs.
"How much will it cost?" asked Joe.
"About $5,500," said the owner.
"What a relief!" exclaimed Joe. "I've finally got job security!"
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
By giving it severe permanent brain damage.
I was reading the other day about the damage that cigarettes can do to children.
The first thought that hit me was "What ever happened to using ashtrays?".
What do you call a hail damage repair expert?
A dentist.
Two med students are walking down the street...
When they see an older gentleman limping in front of them. Every time he took a step his right foot would shake.
"I bet it is a degenerative nerve damage issue" says the first one.
"It looks more like a hip joint issue" says the second.
They argue for a while and then decide to ask the man what his problem is.
The gentleman listens to them and then he says:
"I thought it was only a fart"
A tree fell on our car during the recent Hurricane, and my dad won't get it repaired. He even named the damage.
Harvey Dent
Thankfully, someone created an online resource for everyone who suffered retinal damage watching the solar eclipse.
It truly is a site for sore eyes.
What is Two Face's favorite type of vehicular damage?
An R.V. dent.
Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.
"My mate came off his motorbike today," he said.
"Oh really?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied. "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."
"Blimey," I said. "No wonder he came off it then."
God knows how many souls could have been saved ..
If the demonic possession hasn't been so often misdiagnosed for brain damage ...
A blonde teen goes to the doctor complaining of chest pain
Doctor : I guess I need see an x Ray to determine any damage to ribs
Blonde : Promise to delete after seeing
What does 1 HP of damage in real life?
This trend, every time I see it.
If I had a nickel
If I had a nickel for every time I hit my head, I'd have brain damage.
What's a similarity between a bullet and a employee
For starters, they both do damage to the surrounding area when fired
Cigarette packets says smoking kills so I stopped smoking them
I just smoke the ones that seriously damage health instead
What did the German general say to the fuhrer when ice chunks started to damage the planes?
Hail, Hitler!
Kids are a great gift...
if only the unwrapping process didn't damage the box so much.
I was walking through a supermarket when a tower of toilet paper fell on me
I'm worried I have soft tissue damage.
There was a fire at my local dollar store
Damage is estimated to be in the tens of dollars
My ex called me today, begging me to look at an MRI she had recently
She said it would prove she had been acting crazy due to brain damage. Having been lied to so many times before I scoffed. Told her I wasn't having any of her psycho schematic bullshit
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
There was a situation where malware was shown as a kitten meme
The damage it caused was catastrophic
If Croatia loses tomorrow, all of England will hope to beat their biggest rival on Sunday:
Liver damage
What does an angry narcissist and a rooster have in common?
When a rooster crows, their hearing closes off so they don't damage their hearing. The narcissist does the same when yelling.
Your momma's so fat
she gave her memory foam mattress brain damage....
The pope blessed the people of Ireland today.
So don't pick a fight with an Irishman. For a short time, all their attacks do maximum damage.
My friends said they couldn't reach me after I went blind and suffered brain damage
I told them I was out of sight, out of mind
What is it called when starvation causes brain damage?
A hungry hungry hippocampus!
A large battleship has taken damage and is sinking...
The captain gathers everyone on deck and explains the situation, and solemnly asks if anyone knows any good prayers. The yeoman steps up and says that years of seminary have made him and the Lord really close and he has just a prayer for this situation.
The captain says "Good, you get to stay behind we only have enough life jackets for everyone else."
What is the lesson of Aesop's "The Fox and The Grapes"?
Grow green grapes to avoid damage and loss.
What do you call it when two ladders fall down?
Co-ladder-al damage.
Pain is temporary...
Brain damage is forever.
There was a frozen ball of ice hurdling towards the earth.
Scientists had first guessed it was too small to do much damage.
Later, they reassessed and realized this collision would be on par with the impact that wiped out the dinosaurs.
It was an underrated comet.
I was painting a ladies deck and noticed she had some carpenter bee damage.
She nearly slapped me when I offered to make the necessary repairs. I suppose I shouldn't have asked her if she wanted me to shove some caulk in her bee holes
A teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Little Johnny raised his hand. The
teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Johnny before. She
finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word 'fascinate', so
she called on him. Johnny said, "My
Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten
buttons, but her boobs are so big she
can only fasten eight."
Q tips can cause brain damage.
Be careful not to put disinformation too far into your ear canal.
A worker at the Taxidermy Department Store notices some damage to a couple of grizzly exhibits
The front right leg on each of the works has been removed.
The worker sprints to the front of the store to alert his manager of the vandalism. On his way, he spies a redneck carrying the missing appendages.
"SIR!" the worker shouts. "You have damaged valuable pieces of merchandise. Exit the store. IMMEDIATELY!"
"Why?" drawls the redneck innocently. "I have the right two bear arms!"
I was asked to come to a party by my friend when it is still banned because of the Coronavirus.
Me: Sorry can't come
Friend: Why not
Me: Might get arrested
Friend: So what it'll be such a great party you won't care about a petty fine
Me: But I'll be on the police database which could damage my future career
Friend: What do you want to be?
Me: A criminal
A local Game Stop burnt to the ground. An insurance adjuster came out to inspect the damage
After looking at the rubble, he asked the manager if the building was a new structure. The manager said, "I don't think so, it was built in the 1970s."
The adjuster said, "I that case, the best payout I can give you is $50,000. If it was a new building I could have given you 95,000.
I got hit in the head when someone threw a can of cod liver oil at me yesterday...
Luckily the damage was just super fish oil
If someone gets burn damage and needs a skin graft, can I donate buttock tissue to help them?
Ass skin for a friend.
Someone keyed the music teacher's car
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor
COVID-19 can damage the heart, lung, and brain.
Luckily for Trump, he just needs to worry about lung damage.
I am not turning my clocks back in November.
I am not giving 2020 an extra hour's worth of damage.
Seasonal Affective Disorder
More like Fall Damage, mirite?
If you carve a swear word into a weapon
Does that make it do curse damage?
A music teacher walks into a bar
As he is very upset he sees only one person sitting at the bar, who is actually a student of his.
He asks angry: "Are you the little shit who keyed music notes on my car?!"
The student says: "Yes, but why are you so mad? The damage appears to B minor."
Two men walk into a bar
They walk away with a concussion and brain damage
It's going to be ok...
Yesterday I ended up in the hospital. Tripped over a box of Kleenex. Thankfully it was only tissue damage.
Two friends are driving through a town...
They see a billboard saying:
Vodka + water = kidney problems;
Rum + water = liver problems;
Whiskey + water = heart issues;
Gin + water = brain damage;
Says one to the other dude, looks like there are some serious issues with water supply in this town
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the damage havoc jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working damage devastate piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.