The Best 66 Daily Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Daily jokes. There are some daily growth jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these daily newspaper puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Daily Jokes and Puns

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.

My girlfriend insists that it says dyslexia but what does she know

I have sex daily.

Sorry, I meant dyslexia.

I have sex daily.

I mean, dyslexia.

Daily joke, I have sex daily.

Nescafe and the Pope

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers,
"Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to
donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from
'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily
coffee."

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the
Lord. It must not be changed."

"Well," said the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For
this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."

"My son, it is impossible, for the prayer is the word of the Lord and
it must not be changed."

The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your
adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer.... We will
donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great
Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give
us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'
Please consider it."

And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.The good
news is that the Church will come into $500 million.'"

"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're losing the Wonder-Bread account."

A Kentucky Fried Chicken lobbyist meets with the Pope.

He offers a donation of ten million dollars to the church if the Pope agrees to change the words in the Lord's Prayer from give us this day our daily bread to give us this day our daily chicken

The Pope apologizes and says he is not interested.

100 million dollars , says the KFC rep.

Again the Pope shakes his head and explains that these words are sacred.

One billion dollars. This is our final offer.

After some consideration of the sum of the donation that the church is about to receive, the Pope reluctantly agrees to the deal. He then returned to the Vatican and called a meeting of all the Cardinals.

I have good news and bad news, the Pontiff said. The good news is, I have managed to secure a donation of one billion dollars to our church. The bad news is, we've lost the Wonder Bread account.


someone tried to tell stan lee this joke during his panel at comic con this week end

what do you call spiderman when he quits the daily bugal and starts working as a valet?

peter PARKER.

The Polite Way to Pee 

a friend sent this to me on whatsapp today.

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" 

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' 

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 😶

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. 

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners? 

Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.' 

The teacher fainted...

Daily joke, The Polite Way to Pee 

How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader?

Tell him that asylum seekers kill pedophiles.

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then...

... you dilly dally in the Dalai's deli daily.

David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'...

David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'.

We're leaving that country in a state of poverty and despair, where half the population can't read and daily life is blighted by the ever-present threat of needless violence.

Yes, we've brought the British way of life to them all right.

George Bush was receiving his daily report from his Defense Secretary.

During the report, the secretary said; And yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. George suddenly went pale, put his head in his hands and began to sweat profusely.

His staff was astounded. They had never seen the president react like this to such a small loss. Then, after he had recovered slightly, the president brought his head up and quietly asked the aide next to him, "Just how many in a brazilian?"

You can explore daily everyday reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean daily weekly dad jokes. There are also daily puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A team of scientists have invented a pill for sufferers of Alzheimer's to take daily.

They didn't think that through did they?

Yo momma's so fat

...that the city of Dublin was named after her daily weight gain.

vintage Bush joke

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

I don't know who this Rorschach guy is, but he is really good at drawing pictures of my disappointed father.

Credit to one of the writers of the Daily Show when I saw him do stand up, but I don't remember the name.

George bush was attending a morning press conference...

Donald rumsfeld read the daily briefings aloud
"This morning, 3 Brazilian soilders were killed"

"OH MY GOD THATS TERRIBLE" Screamed the president
The room went silent, everyone was stunned by the presidents emotional outburst.

A moment passed when George asked in a quiet Texas tone "how many is three brazillion?"

Daily joke, George bush was attending a morning press conference...

A Doctor and engineer

A doctor and an engineer loved the same girl.
Doctor used to give her a rose daily
and engineer used to give the girl an apple.
Girl got confused and asked engineer : There is a meaning of giving rose in Love,
Why are you giving apple ?
Engineer answered : Because
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away".

"Hello, Police? I'd like to report an anonymous tip."

Me: Hello, Police? I'd like to report an anonymous tip.

Dispatcher: Go ahead.

Me: Flossing daily reduces your risk of tooth decay.

How did Eddard Stark get his daily recommended amount of fiber?

Raisin' Bran.


Some ladies were sitting in a park..

Some ladies were sitting in a park every day. One man was observing them daily as they were talking and laughing loudly.
One day he observed everybody was silent. There must be some serious issue or incident that happened.So he went to a Lady and asked, "Why everybody is silent today?"
The lady replied, "All Are Present Today."

Nuns

The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session.
The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious
frown on her face. She began to speak...
Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no!

1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear.

99 nuns: Oh, no!

1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.

99 nuns: Oh, no!

1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And it has been used!

99 nuns: Oh, no!

1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!

1 nun: Oh, No!

99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!.....

Doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex

But the wife insists it says its for Dyslexia

I quit my job as a coffee shop manager

The daily grind was just too much

A doctor and an engineer both want to date the same girl.

The doctor decides to make a move, so gives her a rose. Meanwhile the engineer chooses to give her an apple daily.

Doctor: "Why you give her an apple everyday?"
Engineer: "Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away!"

I'll see myself out

You know what the best part of having dyslexia is?

I have sex daily

Asked a hen how many eggs it lays daily?

It said: two eggs

I said: Oh strange!

It said: what's strange? the fact that I lay two eggs?

I said: no, the fact that you talk

Donald Trump has his daily intelligence briefing.

"We're almost done, Mr. President-Elect," says the man conducting the briefing, "just one more small piece of information."

"Bring it on."

"5 Brazilian soldiers were killed last night"

"That certainly isn't a good thing," replies Trump, "but if you don't mind, could you refresh my memory on one thing?"

"Of course, Mr. Trump, what do you need?"

"How many is a Brazilian?"

There are two types of people. Those who have sex daily

And those who don't have dyslexia

I stretch daily to squeeze the demons out of my blood.

It's the only way I know how to exorcise.

If Christians have the Daily Bread, what do Buddhists have?

The Daily Lama

I have sex daily.

Wait, I meant dyslexia.

Daily Mail online: "Masturbation may help prevent the common cold."

Hope so, I've got no tissues left

Retraction

The following headline appeared in the daily newspaper and threw the city hall into an uproar: "Half the city council are crooks."

A retraction in full was demanded of the editor under the threat of a libel suit. Next afternoon, the headline read, "Half the city council aren't crooks."

If you want a job in the moisturiser industry

The best advice I can give you is to apply daily.

My granddad was a wise man...

...he told me that you can't find happiness all by yourself. To live a truly happy life you need to be in a fulfilling relationship. You need to find a wife that loves you unconditionally, a wife that challenges you on a daily basis, a wife that you always want to make love to and most importantly you must make sure that they'll never meet.

I have dailysex.

No, not dyslexia.

I was really excited when I first read that could have daily sex.

But it turns out I just have "dsylexia."

A daily exercise routine..

..is like a drug. I avoid drugs.

A man writing in his diary:

I am an ideal man. I don't smoke, drink, or go to night clubs. I have always been loyal to my wife and don't flirt with strange women. I sleep at eight o'clock and wake up early. I exercise daily and work regular hours. But all this will change as soon as I get out of prison.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd..

I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

My doctor gave me a prescription for daily sex

And my wife is trying to convince me it says dyslexia.

One for $1, three for $4

A man is walking up to a coffee stand to get his daily cup of coffee for $1, when he notices their new special where you can buy three cups for $4.

I'd like a cup of coffee, said the man, handing in a dollar bill.

He realizes he can cheat the system by buying two more cups of coffee, and saving a dollar. I'd like two more cups, please, he said, handing in another $2.

Afterward, he asks the guy in the stand, Why are you selling three cups of coffee for $4 when you could buy three separate cups for $3?

To which the stand dude replied, you could've just bought one cup like you do every day.

I don't need sex because....

My auto correct ducks me daily.

I have sex daily.

*dyslexia

The head of KFC called the Pope

He said, "I'll give you a million dollars to change the Lord's prayer to give us our daily chicken."

The Pope said no and hung up.

KFC called back and offered 10 million.

The Pope said no and hung up.

KFC called back and offered 100 million.

The Pope said, "You have a deal!"

The Pope got all the churches big wigs together and said, "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, we are 100 million richer. Bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account.

A scientist runs into an AA meeting...

...and exclaims "we did it! We found a medical cure for alcoholism! All you have to do is take this one pill daily and you are cured."

Slowly a hand raises in the back and a man says "what happens if you take two?"

Girl, you must be a savings account...

Because my interest is to compound you daily.

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.

My girlfriend says I'm wrong and it's a prescription for some made up disease: dyslexia

Anthony Fauci is giving the President his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: ''Yesterday, 300 Brazilians died of COVID.'' ''Oh no!'' President Trump exclaims. ''That's terrible!'' His staff are stunned at this uncharacteristic display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, Trump looks up and asks: ''How many is a brazillion?''

If you do these things every day for 30 days straight you will be unrecognizable

1. Sleep 8+ hours everyday.

2. Drink four 8oz glasses of water minimum daily.

3. Get outside in the sun everyday.

4. No sugar.

5. Read for 30 mins each day.

6. Workout for 1hr 3 times a week

7. Capture someone, cut their face off then sew it onto your face.

8. Meditate for 10 mins everyday.

If you do these things for 30 days you will be unrecognisable.



1. Sleep 8+ hours everyday.



2. Drink 3L of water minimum daily.



3. Get outside in the sun everyday.



4. No sugar.



5. Read for 30 mins each day.



6. Workout for 1hr 3 times a week



7. Capture someone and cut their face off then sew it onto your face.



8. Meditate for 10 mins everyday.

Daily Covid-19 check

At 7 p.m. open the whiskey bottle and smell it.

If you can smell, you are not infected.

Then pour it in in a glass tumbler.

Taste it. if you can feel the taste, you are not infected.

\~ Dr Johnny Walker

A man named Arnold offers his newly married son advice on long lasting marriage

"The key, my boy, is to have daily sex"

"But dad, you and mom don't even sleep on the same bed anymore," replies his son

"I was getting to that," continues Arnold, "tip numba two, get a hot housekeeper."

Husband comes home from his doctor's appointment telling his wife that he has a prescription for daily sex.

She grabs the script and says 'Nice try, this for dyslexia' !!!

Daily puns until I get a relationship #1

My dog recently gave birth to a litter of puppies, and one of them is always fighting his siblings. He's such a son of a bitch

My Canadian friend eats a bowl of fries, cheese curds and brown gravy every single morning.

It's just his daily poutine.

One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain, Skis in France, fancies Swedish birds and has a Romanian au-pair.
 
And the most British thing of all?
"Suspicious of anything Foreign "

They say those who talk about sex the most are those who have it least.

I will explain more in my daily 3 hour podcast, Sex and everything about it .

At a conference a sex therapist was discussing his book Sex in a Marriage

The therapist asked the audience how many couples have sex daily about 20% of the audience raised their hands

then he asked how many couples have sex weekly about 30% raised their hands

then he asked how many couples have sex monthly the remaining audience raised their hands

Finally he asked how many have sex yearly one guy in the back stood up smiling his hand stood
the therapist asked why are you so happy if you only have sex one time a year ?
the guy answered because today's the day

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.

My girlfriend insists it says Dyslexia.

What do you call a stable female?

A mare.

(This was a clue on the Daily Crossword app today which I couldn't figure out. I thought it was cute.)

I don't like teachers who make me calculate with humans.

They commit math genocide on a daily basis.

A Bar opened opposite a Mosque!

The angry congregants of the Mosque prayed daily against the business....

Days later the Bar was struck by lightning and caught fire .
The Bar owner sued the Mosque authorities for the cause , as an action by their prayer...

The Mosque denied all responsibility!

So, the judge commented:
It's difficult to decide the case because we have a Bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire group of Mosque congregants that does not believe in it !!!

The case is hereby dismissed!

I'm 3'6 , which makes certain daily tasks extremely difficult. Recently, I spent a good 10 minutes in my local supermarket wondering how to get the pasta down from the top shelf.

Then suddenly the penne dropped.

Our town's oldest paperboy died today, at 84.

86 are wondering where their Daily Mirror's got to.

In India, they shit on the streets

In UK, they shit in the Daily Mail and Sun

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the daily routines jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working daily dailysex piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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