Daddy Long Jokes
28 daddy long jokes and hilarious daddy long puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about daddy long that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Daddy Long Short Jokes
Short daddy long jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The daddy long humour may include short daddy jokes also.
- Yo mama so fat, when she stands next to yo daddy they still in a long-distance relationship.
- I hate tattoos For instance, if you get a tattoo of a Tarantula, 60 years later it'll look like Daddy Long Legs.
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Daddy Long One Liners
Which daddy long one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with daddy long? I can suggest the ones about daddy big boy and fat daddy.
- "Daddy, why is that book so big?" "It's a long story..." :D
- What do you call a spider with 9 legs? Hung daddy long legs.
- I could have been your daddy... I could have been your daddy, but the line was too long.
- Why are daddy long legs so skinny? Because mummy long legs ran away.
- I always get offended by daddy long legs. My dad is only four foot 2...
Laughter Daddy Long Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about daddy long you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean yo daddy jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make daddy long pranks.
One, day little Johnny asks his father,
"Daddy where do i come from?"
The mother and father, had been preparing for this, for a very long time.
"Well son, when a Man and a Woman love each-other very much..."
After explaining the details and science to his Son, who had a puzzled look on his face the Father turned to his child,
"Well son, does that answer your question?"
"Not really Susan from school told me she came from Italy."
Why Floyd Mayweather can't get his daughter to go to bed
Floyd's daughter: Hey Daddy, can i stay up and watch TV?
floyd mayweather: No it's past your bedtime and you're suppose to go to sleep
Floyd's daughter: Well can you at least read me a bedtime story until i fall asleep?
Floyd Mayweather: Fine you can watch TV as long as you want
Little Johnny and two p**....
Little Johnny went to school and the teacher was teaching human anatomy. She pointed to the private part of a male and asked her class if anyone knew what it was.
Little Johnny raised his hand: "I do, I do! and my daddy has two of them!" Teacher was puzzled.
"My daddy has a small one to pee with and a long one to brush my mom's teeth with!"
A boy went to his father:
Daddy, why don't I have any brothers or sisters?
Well, son, when I was a little boy, just like you, my mom used to tell me that it is alright to make mistakes, as long as you don't make them again.
Jail Time
My daughter hates school.
One weekend she cried and fretted and tried every excuse not to go back on Monday.
Sunday morning on the way home from brunch, the crying, and whining built to a crescendo.
At the end of my rope, I finally stopped the car and explained, Honey, it's a law. If you don't go to school, they'll put Daddy in jail.
She looked at me, thought a moment, then asked, How long would you have to stay?
The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time.
The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.
Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"
My daughter was diagnosed with a pneumonia
I'm not sure where else to post this. This sub feels most fitting, but it's been a long night. Please advise where it may be better suited if you'd like.
So our night s**... but had a silver lining in my two year old daughter's comedic timing. We had to rush her to the ER at 3:00am (vomiting and a 104.3 F temp). Turns out she has a pneumonia but we caught it early so we can treat it at home. So we are driving home and she's talking a little and she said temperature hurt because they had to do it rectally. I say yeah mommy doesn't like it when things go up there unexpectedly either. My daughter says Daddy likes. We pulled the car over and had a real good laugh.
Wife's having a heart attack
A man comes home after a long hard day at work, and hears some sounds coming from his bedroom.
He hurried up the stairs and sees his wife in her bed, "I think I'm having a heart attack" she says in a panicked voice. The man rushes downstairs and dials 911 and goes to tell the operator what the problem is.
His 4 year old son comes down the stairs and says "daddy, uncle joe is n**... in your closet". Angrily, the man slams the phone down and hurried up the stairs, swings open the closet door and sees his brother sitting there n**.... "My wife is having a heart attack, and all you do is run around my house n**... scaring the kids!?"
Modern Wedding Arrangements!
Daughter:
" Daddy, I am coming home to get married. Take out your cheque book.
Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia and he lives in the UK .
We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber.
Dad, I need your blessings good wishes and a big wedding."
Father: "Wow! Really!! Then get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and pay through Paypal. And if you are fed up with your husband....sell him on Ebay.
s**........
Daddy is digging in the flower bed when little seven-yr-old Alice comes running out of the house, shouting, "Daddy, what's s**...?"
He slowly drops his s**..., straightens up and draws a deep breath. "Well, darling, it's like this... " he says, and starts rather reluctantly, giving a long and careful explanation of the ins and outs of the whole thing.
After about ten minutes he asks if she has understood. She nods silently. He then asks her why she so suddenly asked this question. "Oh, Mummy said to tell you that lunch will be ready in two secs", she replies.
A teacher asks her class to come up with a sentence...
...that contains the word "contagious."
Amy stands up and says "Last week my mummy had the flu. It was contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Then Becky stands up and says "a long time ago the Bubonic Plague affected a lot of Europe and because it was very contagious a lot of people died." "Very good," says the teacher. "One more?"
Little Johnny then stands up and says "my next door neighbour recently started painting his house with a two-inch brush. My Daddy says it'll take the contagious."
It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf...
It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."
After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"
"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"
Anything you want, baby.
There once was a man who had done everything his wife told him to since the day they were married. Whether it was taking out the trash, doing the dishes, or pulling weeds, he did it the second she asked.
Then one day, his son decided that he had been befuddled as to why he did this for to long. So he confronted his father while he was cleaning the bathroom.
"Daddy," the young boy said, "Why do you do everything Mommy says?"
"Well son, before you were born, even before your mom and I were married, I made a promise that if I did anything she asked, I could decide your name." The father explained.
The boy walked away with it, relieved he finally had an answer.
However, the boy later reminded his father of the question and asked:
"Was it worth it, Daddy?'
The father, without hesitating said, "Yes, Goku, yes it was."
Taking his son golfing
Mr. Smith was a bad golfer, but God help him, he still loved to play the game. One weekend morning, his wife couldn't look after their son, so he agreed to bring him along, and have him act as his caddy.
When they got to the course, he pulled his son aside and handed him a scorecard.
"Here's the scorecard Timmy. I need to you write down the number I tell you for each hole, OK?"
"OK Daddy!" His son replied.
So they went out and boy, oh boy was it a bad day for Mr. Smith. Every other shot, it seemed, went into the rough, a sand trap or somewhere other than where he wanted. After a long, hot arduous round, he was ready to hit the 19th hole...but first he had to get the score.
"Ok Timmy, what do you have my score at for today?"
His son pulled out the scorecard and counted up the total and said "I have you with a 72 dad."
"72? That's amazing! That's like 50 strokes lower than my average. Are you sure you wrote down the number I said for every hole?"
"Yeah, you yelled Fore! on every hole."
(For those who don't know about golf, "Fore" is a yell you give when your ball is going in the direction of other golfers)
A priest, a thief, and a soldier.
(Long)
A thief, a priest, and a soldier were all in a plane that's about to c**.... They each decide to drop something so they can look for it just in case they survive. The priest drops a bible, the thief drops a knife, and the soldier drops a grenade.
The plane crashes, and, miraculously, they survive. They go their separate ways and begin to search for their items.
The priest is walking around and see's a little girl crying. He says "Little lady, why are you crying?" and she looks at him and says "The holy book came down and killed my Doggy!" and then she ran away.
The thief is trudging about and also see's a little girl crying. He looks at her and says "Little girl, why are you crying?"
And the little girl screams, "A knife came from the sky and killed my mommy!" and then she ran away.
Now the soldier is looking for his grenade and sees a little boy laughing. The soldier says, "Little boy, why are you laughing?" and the boy says "My daddy f**... and the building blew up!"
A Blond Joke from Minnesota.....
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero
when a blonde named Sherry got off work.She made her way to her car and
wondered how she was going to make it home.
She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She
finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she
should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get
stuck in a snow drift.
This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow
went by and she started to follow it.
As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and
she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.
The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been
following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her
daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted,
but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.