Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we fucked without a condom.
He asks mommy! whats that?"
Mom quickly replies "oh that's nothing" and walks on.
Later while passing the elephant the kid sees the weiner again and says to his dad "what's that daddy?"
Dad replies "oh thats the elephants penis"
kid says "oh, mommy says that's nothing"
The dad replies "Yeah, i spoil that woman"
Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"
Because "daddy" would be too suspicious
I said, "Judging by the size of that horse's cock, yes."
A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin. Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.
Later, when his buddies at the bar ask what went wrong, he explains...
"If she ain't good enough for her daddy, her uncle, her brother, and her cousin, she ain't good enough for me!!"
He asks him: "What's wrong son, what happened?"
"The teacher asked the class what the tallest building in New York is, and I got the answer wrong."
"Why, what did you answer?"
"The Empire State Building."
"Don't worry son, daddy will take care of it."
Daddy: "That's where mummy was hit by an axe, that's her axe wound."
Son: "Wow, bloody good shot, got her right in the cunt."
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"
He asks him, "Daddy what are you doing?"
His dad responds, "Don't worry son, you'll be doing it soon."
The boy then asks, "Why's that daddy?"
His dad answers, "Because my arms getting tired.."
A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black? The dad replies, Why do you want to know, son? Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!
...and asks, "Is that a mummy-longlegs underneath that daddy-longlegs?" Dad says, "No, sweetie. There are no mummy-longlegs, only daddy longlegs." Dad felt very proud of her inquisitive mind until she stomps them both saying, "We'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden!"
"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"
"No" she sobbed
I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage
5 year old son after reading a story of a king
Son : mom, I also want 3 wives, one will bathe , one will cook and one will sing
Mom : which one will put you to sleep?
Son: no mom, I will still sleep with you. Mom's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son
Mom : who will the 3 wives sleep with?
Son : let them sleep with daddy
Daddy's eyes filled with tears... God bless you son
Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
No, they're bison.
As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong
As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"
Linux servers, mostly.
He said, "What are you doing daddy?"
"It's called wanking," I replied. "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why, daddy?" he asked.
"Because my arm is fucking killing me."
"Drugs, normally."
A 7 year old girl was looking at her mother's driving license card. It was written " SEX: F", she then started laughing until the mother asked why she was laughing. The girl said " I can't believe you are so bad at sex that you got an F. Now i understand why daddy is always with the maid.
"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.
"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.
"Does it hurt?" she asked.
"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."
"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.
"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.
"But don't they just fall off?"
"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."
Son: Mom I also want 5 wives. One will cook, one will sing, one will dance and one will bath me.
Mom: And one will put you to sleep
Son: No mom, I will still sleep with you.
Mom's eyes filled up with tears and said "God bless you son, but who will sleep with your 5 wives?
Son: Let them sleep with Daddy.
Daddy's eyes filled up with tears and said "God bless you my son"
"Who's a Trump fan?"
Not wanting to look stupid for not knowing what that meant, they all raised their hands except for Johnny.
"And why aren't you a Trump fan?" she asked, used to Johnny always trying to be different.
"Because I'm a Sanders fan" he replied.
"And why are you a Sanders fan?"
"Because mommy and daddy are"
"And if mommy and daddy were idiots, what would that make you?" she asked
"A Trump fan"
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: F*ck you, say daddy!
Baby: F*ck you, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I'm home!
Baby: F*ck you!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Baby: Daddy!
Dad: Son of a b*tch.
You should've seen the smile on her face when she turned to look at me and say:
"Daddy, what's an 'Amber Alert'?"
Son:Mom, I also want 5 wives.one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me
Mom:And one will put you to sleep
Son:No mom, i will still sleep with you
Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son
Mom:but who will sleep with your 5 wives?
Son:Let them sleep with daddy
Daddy's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son!
Dad: Say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: Fuck , just say daddy!
Baby: Fuck, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I'm home!
Baby: Fuck!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Baby: Daddy!
Dad: Son of a bitch.
A little girl goes up to her dad and asks "Daddy, what does it feel like being drunk?" "Well," the father replies "You see those 2 telephone poles over there in the distance?" he says, pointing in the direction of the poles. "A drunk person would see 4 telephone poles there." The little girl, confused, replies "But daddy, there is only one telephone pole over there"
His dad asks: "Do you mean before or after sex?"
Kid: "What's the difference?"
Dad: "Okay think of the most beautiful flower you've ever seen, with pink, symetrical petals, a thing of pure
beauty... do you have that image in your head?" - "yes, daddy" - "Well son, that's what a vagina looks like before sex!"
Kid: "And what does it look like after?"
Dad: "Well... ever seen a bulldog who ate a jar of majonaise?"
Because "daddy" would make it too obvious...
A child asks, "Mommy, does God use our bathroom?"
The mother replies, "No darling. Why do you ask?"
The child says, "Because every morning daddy bangs on the door and shouts, 'Oh God, are you still in there?'"
5 year old son after reading story of a king says to his mom:
Son: Mom, I also want 3 wives... one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me
Mom: And which one will put you to sleep
Son: No mom, i will still sleep with you
Mom's eyes filled up with tears.
Mom: God bless you son. But who will sleep with your 3 wives?
Son: Let them sleep with daddy.
Daddy's eyes filled up with tears. God bless you son !
Happy Father's day!
5 year old son after reading story of a king.
Son:Mom, I also want 5 wives..one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.......
Mom:....And one will put you to sleep
Son:..No mom, i will still sleep with you
Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son
Mom: but who will sleep with your 5 wives
Son: Let them sleep with daddy
Daddy's eyes filled up with tears...
God bless you son !
Because "Daddy" would be a bit too suspicous.
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Daddy? Well, here are the best Daddy dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Daddy pick up lines to share with friends.