Dad Jokes

Following is our collection of granddad puns and grandma one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Dad jokes for adults, dirty stepmother jokes and clean brother dad gags for kids.

The Best Dad Puns

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?

I heard he made a mint.

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...

...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?

What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face?

Too close for comfort food!

How does Moses make his coffee?

Hebrews it.

Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?

No son, have you seen my dad glasses?


Did you hear the rumor about butter?

Well, I'm not going to spread it!

Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

Mom: *Stares at Dad*

Dad: *Clenches fist*

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: *Sweats Profusely*

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Turns out, identity theft is a crime.

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.

Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic

Dad:Never said I was a good one

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What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast.

My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

Wife: I'm pregnant.

Me: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad.

Wife: No you're not.

When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.

All the slides were just pictures of me.

Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like, 0mg

As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero

The Invisible Man

"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"

"Thanks dad !"

"No problem Alan"


How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.

Why did the old man fall in the well?

Because he couldn't see that well!

What concert costs just 45 cents?

50 Cent featuring Nickelback.

Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "


P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

A child asks his father what "gay" means

The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".

Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?

Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan

But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?"

Father: "Ask your sister.

Daughter: "I don't have a si-"

My son came home as I was taking his door off it's hinges and asked Dad what are you doing?




We've updated our privacy policy

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere

A cheese factory exploded in France.

Da brie is everywhere!

I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son"

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

Dad can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is

No sun

Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

My dad first talked to me about sex when I was going to college.


He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist."

"Dad," I said, "I have condoms."

And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."

A boy and his dad are talking.

"Hey Dad."



"Yes son?"



"Did you ever get shot in the army?"



He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;



"No, but I was shot in the leggy."

What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?

European.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired!

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they'll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

Do you know any jokes?

**Her:** "Do you know any jokes?"

**Me:** "No."

**Her:** "I'll teach you one."


"Knock! Knock!"

**Me:** "Who's there?"

**Her:** "Ash."


"Now ask, Ash: who?"

**Me:** "Ash: who?"

**Her:** "Please cover your mouth when you sneeze."

**Me: rekt**

I'm starting a new dating service in Prague.

It's called Czech-Mate.

What do you call a factory that sells passable products?

A satisfactory!

I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary.

I told him, - Mark, my words!

A boy asks his father Dad, what does 'gay' mean?

Father: It means 'to be happy'.

Son: Are you gay?

Father: No, son. I have a wife.

Gay parents are awesome!

* "Hey dad, why is my sister named rose?"
* "Because your other dad loves roses"
* "Thanks dad"
* "No problem, Richard"

Son: "Dad, Am I adopted"?

Dad: "Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you."

"Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?"

"Yes, we arson."

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire!

I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!!

Wow, your dad's a millionaire?
No, but he always wanted to be.

I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up.

Good thymes.

A guy goes to his doctor because he can see into the future.

The doctor asks him - How long have you suffered from that condition?
The guy tells him - Since next Monday.

What rock group has four men that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore.

I love dad jokes

WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.

HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad

WIFE: Second: No you're not

My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice

Must be why I'm an only child

How much does Santa's sleigh cost?

$0, it's on the house.

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don't. And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can't be buried here. I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they're still alive!"

Dad: What's a lion and a witch doing in your wardrobe

Me: it's Narnia Business....

There is an abundance of son jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 59 funniest jokes and dad puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any father witze you can hear about dad.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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