Dad Jokes
161 dad jokes and hilarious dad puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about dad that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
My Affection For Dad Jokes
As someone with an affinity towards humor, I find dad jokes to be an art form of their own. They might not be the most sophisticated or complex forms of humor, but their simplicity, fabulous puns, and the groans they elicit make them timeless.
Best Dad Jokes Ever
The best dad jokes ever, in my opinion, are the ones that catch you completely off guard. In their simplicity and predictability lies the appeal. You know where the punchline is headed, but you land at laughter town anyway. They are the jokes that make me shake my head while grinning from ear to ear.
Fresh Dad Jokes
The charm of a fresh dad joke is irresistible. New twists on old puns or an unusual word play offers a welcome surprise amidst the known banter. The freshness breathes life into social gatherings and creates a hilarious environment.
Dad Jokes for Kids
Dad jokes for kids are perhaps the purest form of this joke genre. The innocence, simplicity, and light-hearted nature of these jokes make them a perfect addition to a child’s humor palette. They often end in giggles, and seeing a child's face light up with laughter warms my heart.
Dad Jokes for Adults
Just because they're dad jokes, doesn't mean they're solely for children. Some dad jokes for adults have a slightly more nuanced humor, often offering a commentary on life, but in a light-hearted, fun way. I've often shared these with my friends to lighten the mood at gatherings.
Dad Jokes You've Never Heard
There are always those dad jokes that you've never heard of but wish you had. The unique, unexpected punchline, and surprising verve are so amusing that they instantly make it into my personal collection. Discovering such a gem is like finding humorous treasure.
In conclusion, dad jokes, in their different forms, have been a constant source of amusement for me. They add a layer of cheerfulness to our lives, reminding us to appreciate the simple, fun, and lighter side of life.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Dad Short Jokes
Short dad jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The dad humour may include short pop jokes also.
- A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad... ...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.
Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for? - What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!
- As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.
- Son In iraq I killed 15 people. Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic
Dad:Never said I was a good one - My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing. So I took down his confederate flag.
- The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two." - Where do little jokes come from? Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
- A child asks his father what "gay" means The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".
- When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution
- Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
Share These Dad Jokes With Friends
Dad One Liners
Which dad one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with dad? I can suggest the ones about papa and dude.
- Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? No son, have you seen my dad glasses?
- Dads are like boomerangs. I hope.
- What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
- Wife: I'm pregnant. Me: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad.
Wife: No you're not. - As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero The Invisible Man
- How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
- Dad can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is No sun
- What happens when you go to the bathroom in France? European.
- Son: "Dad, Am I adopted"? Dad: "Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you."
- "Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?" "Yes, we arson."
- I tell dad jokes all the time even though I'm not actually a dad I'm a faux pa.
- What rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore.
- My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice Must be why I'm an only child
- How much does Santa's sleigh cost? $0, it's on the house.
- Dad: What's a lion and a witch doing in your wardrobe Me: it's Narnia Business....
My Dad Jokes
Here is a list of funny my dad jokes and even better my dad puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
- Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?" Father: "Ask your sister.
Daughter: "I don't have a si-" - My son came home as I was taking his door off it's hinges and asked Dad what are you doing?
We've updated our privacy policy - Gay parents are awesome! * "Hey dad, why is my sister named rose?"
* "Because your other dad loves roses"
* "Thanks dad"
* "No problem, Richard" - I always wanted to be a multimillionaire, just like my dad. He always wanted to be a multimillionaire too.
- I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.
- A guy goes to his doctor because he can see into the future. The doctor asks him - How long have you suffered from that condition?
The guy tells him - Since next Monday. - I love dad jokes WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.
HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
WIFE: Second: No you're not - My dad says we shouldn't reward people with trophies for participation, because it's like a reward for losing. So I took his Vietnam Veteran hat
- Son, I killed 12 people in Afghanistan Son: Dad you were a cook.
Dad:Never said I was a good one
Dad And Son Jokes
Here is a list of funny dad and son jokes and even better dad and son puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My son asked me, Dad, can we watch Spider Man—Far from Home tonight? I said, Why? It is the same movie if you watch it nearby.
- A man is washing his car with his son... ...after a while the boy says to his Father Dad, why can't we just use a sponge?
- "Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me. "Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour." - "Remember, son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100% sure about everything." "Dad, are you sure?"
"Absolutely." - Son: why is my sister called Teresa? Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram
Son: Thanks dad
Dad: No problem Alan - Dad joke..... Dad: what are you drinking, son?
Son: Soy Milk
Dad: Hola Milk, soy padre - Son: Dad, how do stars die? Dad: Drugs, usually.
- Son asks dad how much does marriage cost? Dad: i don't know son I'm still paying for it
- My son asked me, Dad, can I eat the last piece of cake in the fridge? I smiled and said, Sure..." "But the dining room would probably be more comfortable.
- "Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe?" "Haha you can't fool me again, dad. A chair!"
"Not this time. Our dog died."
Mom Dad Jokes
Here is a list of funny mom dad jokes and even better mom dad puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My dad was always drunk when I was a kid The punchline?
It was my mom, then my sister, then me - This Mother's Day, my dad got a new car for my mom. He said it was the best trade he's ever made
- I said to my parents, "Mom, dad... I've decided to live on my own from now on." "Okay, that's fine." they replied.
I added, "Your luggage is outside." - What do Bernie Sanders supporters call their roommates? Mom & Dad
- TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday... and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.
- My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.
- Today I asked my mom what she did for a living, she replied "I'm a headmaster". To which my dad replied "yeah she is"
- Moms have Mother's Day and dads have Father's Day. What do single guys have? Palm Sunday.
- I came home to an intervention put on by my ex-lovers, my mom and my dad. And this is why we need the oxford comma.
- A little boy went up to his father and asked, Dad, where did my intelligence come from? His father replied, well, son, you probably got it from your mom, because I still have mine.
Old Dad Jokes
Here is a list of funny old dad jokes and even better old dad puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I am 51 and my girlfriend is 8 Months pregnant and I'm starting to panic a little. Do you think I am too old to be a dad?
- My dad is never proud of anything I do. Dad: Son, how old are you?
Son: 19.
Dad: When I was your age, I was 20. - Courtesy of my 11-year-old: Dad, what's the difference between a humorous reference and an imaginary bread? One is a wry allusion and the other is a rye illusion.
- Having dinner last night, my six-year-old turned to me and said, 'Dad, when I grow up, I'm gonna marry you.' We laughed about it. Then my wife said, 'Don't make the same mistake I did.'
- While bathing my 6 year old son, he stuck a wet foam letter to my back. I pulled the letter "P" away from my skin and my son said "Dad, I peed on your back!"
-true story, just happened. - My 8-Year old patient was so pround, mom was not. Q: What type of bees make milk?
A: BOO-Bees!
And then he just couldn't stop laughing. Mom turned 50 shades of red and blamed dad. Good times. - How many moths does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just two, but how they get in there.. I don't know.
(Stolen from an old Maxim in my dad's storage) - My 10-year old daughter just Dad joked me. She said she was leaving to get cigarettes and never came home.
- I'm 37 years old, a husband, and a father of two pre-teens AND I don't tell Dad jokes... because he left when I was 2.
- What is a better name for cows? Lawn mooers!
My 12 year old sister made this up... She out dad joked me..and I'm a dad!
Hilarious Dad Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about dad you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean granddad jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make dad pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."
Mom: *Stares at Dad*
Dad: *Clenches fist*
Mom: "Don't!"
Dad: *Sweats Profusely*
Mom: "..."
Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*
Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?
Me: Two. You have two, son.
Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!
The student has become the teacher.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a c**... during s**....
All the slides were just pictures of me.
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,
"No, just leave it in the carton! "
P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?
Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son"
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."
He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?
Anyway, my dad just caught me m**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My dad first talked to me about s**... when I was going to college.
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist."
"Dad," I said, "I have condoms."
And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
A boy and his dad are talking.
"Hey Dad."
"Yes son?"
"Did you ever get shot in the army?"
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;
"No, but I was shot in the leggy."
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Do you know any jokes?
**Her:** "Do you know any jokes?"
**Me:** "No."
**Her:** "I'll teach you one."
"Knock! Knock!"
**Me:** "Who's there?"
**Her:** "Ash."
"Now ask, Ash: who?"
**Me:** "Ash: who?"
**Her:** "Please cover your mouth when you sneeze."
**Me: rekt**
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me:
"Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?"
"Erm, I don't know" I replied
"Mickey Mouse" he replied laughing
"Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs"
"Donald Duck" I replied
"No, all ducks you idiot"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My dad just died. This isn't a joke, I'm lost. I remember at his dads f**... he told me:
Why do they put fences around cemetery's? Because people are dying to get in.
I told my daughters this joke years ago and told them it was from my dad. I want a joke that I can make at his f**... to my children in his honor. Can you help me out?
Dropped my best ever dad joke & no one was around to hear it
I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!
A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. Dad, what music did you like growing up?
I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin, the father replies.
Who? the son asks.
Yeah, the dad responds, I liked them too.
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don't. And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can't be buried here. I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they're still alive!"
Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.
When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.
A girl tells her mom she's dating the guy next door
The mom's like you can't date him he could be your dad
And the daughter is like so there's an age difference who cares
I think you misunderstood me
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My teenage daughter came home in a rage.
"I've just had s**... education in school today, Dad!
You lied to me!
You told me if I have s**... before my sixteenth birthday my boyfriend will die!"
I put down my paper: "Oh, he will sweetheart, he will.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I feel sad for people with gay parents
They either get twice the number of dad jokes or are stuck in the infinite loop of 'ask mom'
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn't see himself doing it.
Then Ok!
Dad: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."
Son: "No."
Dad: "The girl is Bill Gate's daughter."
Son: "Then Ok!" \*\*
\*\* Dad goes to Bill Gates. \*\*
Dad: "I want your daughter to marry my son."
Bill Gates: "No."
Dad: "My son is the CEO of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Then ok!"
\*\*Dad goes to the President of the World Bank. \*\*
Dad: "Appoint my son as the CEO of your bank."
President: "No!"
Dad: "He is the son-in-law of Bill Gates."
President: "Then OK."
Whoever coined the phrase dad bod missed a golden opportunity...
Should've called it "the Father-figure"
R.I.P. dad
My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:
"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."
___________________
A kid came out as bisexual to his dad and the dad said they have to move
"This apartment has a strict no-animal policy.", he says. "Wait until they find out I have a bison."
After my dad died, I went to his favorite park to scatter his remains
A park employee came running, yelling "STOP! You cant do that here!"
I said "Why not?"
He said "You have to cremate him first!"
Just a Dad Joke
Wife:Hey Honey, I'm Pregnant
Husband:Hey Pregnant, I'm Dad
Wife:No you're not
Lots of guys aren't too happy with getting a "dad bod" eventually in life. But I'd say im pretty excited for it
Because it's the closest thing I'm gonna get to having a father figure in my life
Tried to explain my sexuality to my dad..
Me: Okay, so I would identify as bisexual.
Dad: And that means you would have a male partner.
Me: Yep
Dad: or a female partner.
Me: Yep
Dad: And that means you're bi.
Me: Yep
Dad: So that means if you don't find a partner you're on standbi?
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: Did you just...
My daughter just asked me to call her iPad….
My 7 year old daughter was getting ready for bed and was looking for her iPad. Dad, can you call my iPad? She asked me. I was ready for this moment. Without hesitation I replied what do you want me to call it? She looked at me blankly. No…call my iPad she protested. I cupped my hand to my mouth and bellowed Emily's iPad over and over. She finally caught on and we shared a laugh. I called her iPad on my phone, it rang in the other room.
All dad jokes are bad and here's why
Why
I'm a 21-year-old multimillionaire. Here's how I did it.
1. I get up at 5:00 AM every day
2. I run for an hour before breakfast
3. Afterward, I take a cold shower to wake me up.
4. Journaling is key. You never know when you might need to remember something.
5. Always write down an appointment as soon as you get it.
6. My dad owns a Fortune 500 company.
7. I meditate every day
"Dad I want to be a feminist when I grow up"
"Well, pick one honey, you can't do both"
A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better."
"Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."
A baby roach asks his dad what happens if they get sprayed with Raid.
Papa Roach said, Suffocation, no breathing.
Actually, the past tense is "hanged", as in "he hanged himself"
Sorry about your Dad, though
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."
Mom: *Stares at Dad*
Dad: *Clenches fist*
Mom: "Don't!"
Dad: *Sweats Profusely*
Mom: "..."
Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
Son: "No dad, I'm serious!"
Dad: "You're serious? I thought you were Gay!"
They said that my dad was gay.
Now I am trying to figure out which one.
Cargo Owl Joke
Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.
My Daughter asked me "dad, why don't you treat me like a princess."
So I married her off to the King of Spain in exchange for 5000 acres on the Costa del Sol.
Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why did you do that dad?
Dad: So you won't get bored there.
My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.
I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"
Dear Dad, $chool i$ great. I'm making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on
Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad
The new father
A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you dont mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."
Kid going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him "What's wrong?"
Nervous, the kid asks, "How long do I have to go to school for?"
"Until you're 18" says the father.
The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly.
=== =====
When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says "Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I'm 18, won't you?"
