Dad Jokes

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...
...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?

Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?
No son, have you seen my dad glasses?

Dads are like boomerangs.
I hope.

Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."
Mom: *Stares at Dad*

Dad: *Clenches fist*

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: *Sweats Profusely*

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!
A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of
3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one
For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two
For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.

"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*
Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
Y'know, one would have been enough.

Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.
Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic

Dad:Never said I was a good one

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."
"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?"

"Not yet."


"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."

"Why?" asks the father.

"Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my cock??'"

"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."

The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet."

"Don't bother, I got expelled."

Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"

"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."

"The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

My dad beats me
This isn't a joke sent help please oh fuck he's here gotta blast fellas

Dad and son had a conversation.
Dad: Son, it's time to talk about the uhh female and male stuff.

Son: I'm sorry what?

Dad: You know.. the ding into hole in one stuff....

Son: I really don't know what you are talking about dad.

Dad: Son, I'm talking about sex.

Son: Oooh the sex stuff, I've already educated myself dad.

Dad: From where???

Son: From your Brazzers premium subscription account on your PC....

My dad always told me that before I criticise someone, I should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way when I criticise them, I'm a mile away, and I have their shoes!

6ix9ine Going to Jail
This is very cool, it means that he will do a collab with my dad!

A boy walks up to his father and says, dad why is my brother named Carson?
The father replies, it's because he was born in a car.

Thanks dad.

No problem Dickinson.

One of my best friends gave birth in a car, on the way to the hospital
His dad named him Carson.

The average man walks 5 miles an hour. The corner store is 1 mile away.
Explain why it took my dad 15 years to come back.

When I was a kid and got into trouble, my dad would bring me to the garage and whip me with a belt.
Along with the alternator, and water pump too.

The average man walked 5 miles in a hour, the corner store is one hour away.
Explain why it took my dad 15 years to come back

My dad told me he loved me so much, he would adopt me a second time.
1.5 rounds to 2, right?

Dad I'm hungry
Hi hungry I'm Dad

Why did the dad cross the road?
I don't know, he went for milk and never came back.

Baby whale asks dad where does he come from...
Dad replies, from my penis, son

Baby whale: thanks dad

Dad: you're whalecum

Wife: I have to tell you something. I'm pregnant.
Husband: Hey pregnant, I'm dad.

Wife: No, you're not.

My favourite sex position is the "Dad"
Because he doesn't stop

My dad grew up very poor. He swore to me and my two younger brothers that we would never go hungry.
So he fed us our sisters.

Losing my virginity was alot like how i learned to ride my bike
My Dad having a firm grip on my shoulders.

So my dad has a Mexican midget friend nicknamed paragraph
When I asked why he told me it's because he's too short to be an Essay.

Dad Joke
A father was washing his car with his son. After they were done, the son asked Can we use a sponge next time?

My dad said he'll disown me if I don't eat his ammunition.
I think it's time to bite the bullet.

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...
...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?

Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?
No son, have you seen my dad glasses?

Dads are like boomerangs.
I hope.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
Y'know, one would have been enough.

Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.
Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic

Dad:Never said I was a good one

My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.
So I took down his confederate flag.

Wife: I'm pregnant.
Me: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad.

Wife: No you're not.

When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.

As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero
The Invisible Man

"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?"
"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"

"Thanks dad !"

"No problem Alan"

Dad, are bugs good to eat..?
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone."

I -a dad- just subjected my daughter, 21, to my clever wit
She wasn't sure whether or not to take a foam mattress with her to her summer camp job.

"Sleep on it," I said.

Update: It's the mattress -not the joke- that's dirty. We use it for camping a lot and it is actually quite disgusting. The joke? Clean as a whistle. Sorry for the confusion.

Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree...
The guy at the counter asked my dad "are you going to put it up yourself?" To which my dad responded "don't be disgusting... I'm going to put it in the living room."

But now it's gone!
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone."

How many appendages am I holding up?
This was an on-the-spot joke made by my dad at the dinner table:

>Dad: I can see everything

>Me: How many fingers am I holding up below the table?

>Dad: No more than five.

>Me (thinking to include toes): How many appendages am I holding up?

>Dad: That's disgusting.

LOVE LAUGH
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone."

Bugs & Father...!
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone."

I got home the other day and my dad was on the floor having a stroke.
I told him that's disgusting and to do that in private from now on.

How do you know when your sister is on her period?
Your dad's dick tastes like blood.

Once there was a little boy in church.

He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, "Mommy, I have to piss."
The mother said, "Son don't say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite."
The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.
He told his father, "Daddy I have to whisper."
The father said, "OK. Here, whisper in my ear."

My dad told me never to go to a cheap, sleazy, dirty, raunchy strip club, because you'll see something you really shouldn't.
So I went.

And I saw my dad.

The Barbershop
A little girl goes to the barbershop with her dad and stands next to the chair eating a muffin while her dad gets a haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says:
"You're gonna get hair on your muffin!"
"I know", she says... "I'm gonna get tits too, you dirty old bastard."

Since we're posting dirty limericks now.....
There once was a man from St. Lou

Who gave his dear sister a screw.

He said with aplomb:

"You're better than Mom."

Said she: "That's what Dad told me too."

A family is sitting around the dinner table (dirty joke)
The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"

The father, understandably surprised, answers, "Well son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a women's breasts are like melons: round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears: still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

The daughter glares at her father and then asks, "Mom how many kinds of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and replies, "Well dear, a man goes through 3 phases. In a man's 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s to 40s it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?" asks the daughter.

"Yes," said the mother. "Dead from root to tip and the balls are just for decoration."

I -a dad- just subjected my daughter, 21, to my clever wit
She wasn't sure whether or not to take a foam mattress with her to her summer camp job.

"Sleep on it," I said.

Update: It's the mattress -not the joke- that's dirty. We use it for camping a lot and it is actually quite disgusting. The joke? Clean as a whistle. Sorry for the confusion.

So there's this incest family...
and the daughter wants to take the car out for the evening. She asks her father for permission and he says "Sure honey, but you have to suck my dick before you can take it." This being a normal custom she says "Okay" and starts the process. As she's doing the dirty deed she complains to her dad that his dick tastes like shit, to which her dad replies, "That's right, I forgot your brother has the car tonight."

Doggy style
A young boy and his father are walking through a park when they see two dogs doing the dirty.
Boy: "Daddy, what are they doing?"
Dad: "Oh...uh...they're just making a puppy."
Later that night daddy and mommy put the boy to sleep and go off to their bedroom. After a couple glasses of wine they get at it. Suddenly the door opens and their son is standing at the foot of the bed.
Boy: "Daddy, what are you and mommy doing?"
Dad: "Oh...We're just making a baby."
Boy: "Well turn mommy over because I want a puppy."

Philosophy
Dad: Hey son! What did you learn at school today?

Son: Philosophy.

Dad: What's that?

Son: Well there's 2 men standing at the bath tub. They both have to take a bath. One of them is clean and the one is dirty. Bath tub is full of water and cannot be refilled. Who will take the bath first?

Dad: The dirty one!

Son: But if the dirty one takes the bath, how will the clean one take the bath after him? He will get dirty..

Dad: Okay . Well. Then the clean one... He goes first!

Son:. .. but why would a clean person get a bath?

Dad: ..... That's some kind of bullshit!

Son: That's philosophy.

First dirty joke my dad told me, it's about 30 years old and I still tell it.
What's the difference between a lady in church and a lady in a bathtub?

The lady in church has hope in her soul.

My dad dropped this joke on a dinner with my girlfriend and I couldn't help but to bust out laughing
Girls are like public bathrooms. All the clean ones are always taken and the only ones left are so messed up and dirty you don't want to go inside.

My previous girlfriend had this weird sleeping disorder - in the middle of every night she would wake up and suck my dick.
No wonder her dad did not want her to move out.

My dad was a complicated man.
He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know?
Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black — that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.

"Mommy, mommy, I found daddy!"
"How often do I have to tell you not to dig around in the garden!"

Mummy, mummy, why is daddy swaying in the backyard?
Shut up, and give me more bullets.

Two kids were talking together.
First: "My daddy is so tall that he can touch the clouds in the sky with his hands."
Second: "That is excellent. Does your daddy touch something soft and downy?"
First: "Yes, of course."
Second: "Those are my daddy's testicles."

"Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home."
"That's perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment."

The best thing after an intensive argument is the peace-sex.

But I hate when I argue with my father-in-law.

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.
Napalm

So a little kid is going through his mothers purse and takes out her drivers lincense...
his mother catches him reading it and mildly scolds him

the kid says "but i learned so much about you from it"

she says "well, ok, what did you learn about me"

"well, says the kid... "i know your age now"

"and what is that?" says his mother

"you're old" says the kid

"and i learned your height"

"which is?' says the mother

"your really tall" he says

"well, yes, i am tall for a woman"

"and, i learned your weight" he says

"and what is that?" asks the mother

"a lot for a woman your height" the kids says

the mother sighs and says "well, that's not nice, but i can't argue that"

"and" the kid says "i know why dad divorced you"

"Huh? what?" says the mother, "how on earth did you get that from a drivers license"

"because, you got an f in sex"

There is this African-American kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the kids of color.
So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad. "Hey dad look im white!"

His dad kicks his ass, and says "Alright go show your mother."

The kid goes "Hey mom look im white!"

His mom beats the shit out of him then tells him to go show his grandma.

The kid again goes "Hey grandma look im white", she beats his ass and sends him to his room.

About an hour later all the family comes to his room and says "Have you learned anything from this?"

The kid says "Yeah I've learned that I've only been white for an hour and I already hate 3 black people."

My favorite dad joke that I've only gotten to tell three times
You know how as kids get older, someone always says "It feels like just yesterday he/she was born"? Well...

I have three kids. The day after my first was born, I was holding him in the hospital rocking chair, and this joke just kind of popped into my head.

I looked up at my wife and said "Honey, he looks so big already." She smiled. I looked back down at my son with tears of love in my eyes and said, "It feels like just yesterday he was born."

She rolled her eyes at me and groaned.

I have a vasectomy now, so sadly I will no longer be able to tell this joke.

Peter is different
A couple have 13 children, 12 of them are blonde and have blue eyes, 1 has black hair and brown eyes, his name is Peter. One day the wife of the couple is dying of illness, her husband is sitting on her bed. The husband says "Our Peter is different from the other kids, does he have a different father?" His wife says yes. And, the man says, "Then, who is his dad?" Upon which his wife says, "You".

What do toys and boobs have in common?
They were both intended for kids, but dad ends up playing with them.

Three kids are discussing who has the taller dad...
Tim: My dad is so tall that he can reach the top of a tree!

Bob: Well, my dad is so tall that he can reach the clouds!

Little Johnny: When your father reaches the clouds, does it feel soft?

Bob: I think so...

Little Johnny: Yeah, that's my father's balls.

That's actually rude..
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said: "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother: "Don't eat it. It's an asshole!

The Biggest Coward
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest coward.

The first kid says," My dad is so scared that when a lightning strikes my dad slides underneath our bed."

The second kid goes," That's nothing, my dad is so scared, that when mummy works night shift, my dad sleeps with the woman next door."

President Trump: "I've raised THE BEST kids....."
".....They are the most polite people you have ever seen. Just today Don Jr. has already said "Pardon Me, Dad" at least 10 times. He has such great manners!"

Can anyone use the word "contagious" in a sentence?
Julia raises her hand. Yes, Julia? She answers, I was at the dentist's office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.

Very good, Julia! the teacher said, Anyone else want to try? Shazza raises her hand. Yes, Shazza? She answers, My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious.

Excellent work, Shazza! Very creative, the teacher praises. Okay, one more volunteer. Bruce raises his hand. Yes, Bruce?

Well, he says, I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, 'Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?' and he says, 'I don't know son, but it's gonna take that contagious.'

The worst part of gay couples adopting kids
The adopted kids will either get twice the amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of go ask your mother.

A bloke notices a gorgeous bird giving him the eye in the supermarket.
"Do I know you?" he asks.
She says, "Aren't you the dad of one of my kids?"
He thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says, "Were you the hooker I fucked over the pool table at my bucks night, while your mate spanked me with a piece of wet celery while shoving that massive cucumber up my ass?"
She stares at him and says, "No, I'm your daughters teacher!"

Dad cooks deer for dinner and doesn't tell the kids what it is...
He gives them a hint
"It's what your mom calls me"

The kids respond
"It's a fucking dick, don't eat it"

2 kids arguing.
2 little kids were arguing over who's dad has a better job. First kid says,"My dads a doctor." Second kis say,"Yeah well my dad's lawyer." Astonished the first kid says," Honest?" The second kid replied "No, the usual kind."

A boy is in a CVS with his dad...
A boy is in a CVS with his dad. While in line at the pharmacy, the boy notices something in a box that resembles balloons. Curious, the boy asks his dad about these balloons in the box. "Well, those are condoms, son," the boy's dad replies. "What are condoms used for, dad?" replied the little boy. "They are used so men can practice safe sex," said the father. The boy asks his dad who would use the box of three. The boy's dad replies, "Those are for high school kids. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." The boy then spots a box of six and asks his dad about those. "Those are for college kids son. They use two on Friday, two on Saturday and two on Sunday." The boy then asks, "Well what about the box of twelve?" To which the boy's dad replied, "Those are for married men like myself, son. One for January, one for February, one for March....."

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.
He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"

The five kids answered in union. "Okay, Dad. You get the toy."

I tell dad jokes, but I have no kids
I'm a faux pa.

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. Of course, the kids are eager to know what the meat is. They ask their dad for the clue. Well, he says, It's what mommy calls me sometimes. The little girl screams, Don't eat it! It's a fucking asshole.

Who's your daddy?
A father's daughter brought home her prospective fiancee

It was the first time he'd met him and he took the opportunity to quiz him a bit

"So, what do you do for a living?" he asked

"I have no job" he replied

"Really? Well how do you expect to provide for my daughter?"

"God will provide, I'm sure" was the answer from the intended

"And how exactly will he do that then?"

"God is merciful and will ensure we do not want" he said with all sincerity

"And how about if you have kids? Who looks after you then?"

"God will ensure he provides bounty for the whole family"

"OK, so you say, but exactly how will God provide this?"

"I don't know yet. God will move in his own mysterious ways"

At this point, the father gives up and leaves the house fuming, heading straight for the bar. there he meets his friend Dave who asks,

"What's up friend? You seem troubled"

"Well, I've just met my girl's new fiancé"

"Oh man, bad news?"

"Well, on the plus side, he does at least seem to think I'm God..."

A dad joke with which we can all sympathize
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should get the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in union, "Okay, dad. You get the toy."

A man kills a deer and brings it home for dinner,
He and his wife decide they won't tell the kids what they are eating.

But the dad gives them a clue 'It's what mummy calls me '

the little girl screams to her brother "DON'T EAT IT'S AN ASSHOLE!!"

Little Johnny
At school one day, Little Johnny's teacher asks the class to use the word contagious in a sentence…

Cindy raises her hand. Yes, Cindy? She answers, I was at the dentist's office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.

Very good, Cindy! the teacher said, Anyone else want to try? Samantha raises her hand. Yes, Samantha? She answers, My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious.

Excellent work, Samantha! Very creative, the teacher praises. Okay, one more volunteer. Little Johnny raises his hand. Yes, Johnny?

Well, he says, I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, 'Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?' and he says, 'I don't know son, but it's gonna take that contagious.'

Kids walks in on parents having sex
A kid walks by his parents room and sees his parents having sex. The dad notices his son standing there so he just winks and keeps on going. The next day the dad walks by his sons room and sees his son plowing into grandma. The kids turns to his dad and says " not so funny when it's your mom is it?"

Gay men shouldn't be allowed kids...
... no one could survive that many dad jokes!

I don't even have kids and I always tell dad jokes.
He loves them.

Dad joke heard at the beach
Recently, I was on vacation and at a beach and a father and his kids were playing catch in the water next to me.

This kid who had to be about six or seven yells out, "dad, I'm going to try some trash talk. Ready? Your skills are as rusty as a tin can! Get it dad? *trash* talk?"

I was dying. That kid is going to make a great dad.

Dad cooks deer for dinner and doesn't tell the kids
He gives them a clue: "Its what your mother calls me."

The son yells "Spit it out! It's a fucking dick!"

Dad cooks venison and doesn't tell the kids what it is
He gives them one hint:

"It's what your mother calls me"

The boy yells:

"It's a FUCKING DICK! Don't eat it!"

I tell dad jokes but I have no kids.
I'm a faux pa.

Legos Are Like Boobs
They're meant for the kids, but the dad ends up playing with them.

One I heard at the pub yesterday
One evening after dinner, a little kid walks up to his father and goes: "Dad! Dad! Some of the other kids were talking and they were saying how 'cunt' and 'vagina' mean the same thing! What is a cunt-vagina? Are they the same thing"

The dad raises a finger to his lips and says. "Go to your room. I'll show you later tonight."

At some point in the night, the dad wakes the son and they walk up to the room in which the mum is sleeping. After some clever tiptoeing, the dad points and says: "That, my son, is a vagina."

"Is that the same as a cunt?" the little boys asks, whispering.

"Oh no." the dad says. "That's the rest of her."

Dad cooks a deer for dinner...
And doesn't tell the kids what it is. He gives one clue "it's what your mother calls me". The little boy yells "it's a fucking dick, DONT EAT IT!!"

Family dinner
A man shoots a few bunnies and he decides to cook them for the family dinner that weekend. However, the kids really like cute little bunnies, so he can't say what they're eating.

During dinner, his son asks:

"Dad, what meat is this?"

The man smiles at his wife and answers:

"Take a guess! Your mum calls me that sometimes..."

At these words, his daughter spits out the food and screams at her brother:

"Don't eat it, it's a dick!"

In my birthday suit
A mum comes home to find her teenage daughter naked on the couch.
"Be decent dear; go put on something to cover your nakedness", says the mum.
"I'm not naked, I'm in my birthday suit", says the daughter.
A few days later, the dad comes home to find his middle-aged wife naked on the couch.
"Since when do you get naked around the house; the kids could be coming back at any time", the husband shouts, surprised.
"I'm not naked, I'm in my birthday suit", claims the wife.
"Next time, you should iron it before you put it on!"

When it comes to music.....
Nobody beats The Jackson 5. Except for their dad. That guy beat the shit out of those kids.

I think same gender couples should not be able to get kids.
No matter how good they are, having 2 dads forces the poor kids to deal with TWICE the dad jokes. Having 2 mom's isn't much better, they're all gonna end up in an "Ask your mom" loop

Dad cooks a deer,
But doesn't tell the kids what it is.

"I'll give you one hint," he says. "It's what your mother calls me."

suddenly the little boy jumps up and says to his sister, "Don't eat it! It's a Fucking Dick!!!"

It's contagious
A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling
them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can
use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands.

"Carl," she says.

Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause
they're contagious."

"Very good," says the teacher.

Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious."

The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!"

Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the
class. "Yes, Johnny?"

Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little
model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and
down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that
cunt ages to finish that fence.'"

Whats for Dinner
A man kills a Deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his Wife, decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the
meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

"Well," he said,
"It's what Mummy calls me, sometimes."

The little girl screams to her Brother,

"Don't eat it, it's an arsehole.."

Good night kids
Me : good night kids

Kids : good night dad

Me : good night monster under the bed who eats bad kids

Wife ( through radio under the bed) : good night

Son: "Dad, the kids at school keep telling me that I'm ugly. Is it true that I'm ugly?"
Father: (*grinding teeth*) "I fucking told you not to call me *dad* in public."

The teacher told the kids: name a few things that you can put in your mouth.
Kids: Apple, chocolate, cookie, lamp
Who said that last one?
Johhny stood up and said: it was me.
Why do you think you can put a lamp in your mouth? the teacher asked.
Because last night, after I went to sleep I heard my dad tell my mom to turn off the lamp so he can put it in her mouth.

I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids.
I'm a faux pa

A family of four check into a hotel
The dad asks the manager, "we have kids with us, is the porn disabled?"

The manager replied, "no you sick fuck we have regular porn"

Kids will be kids
So a kid is eating this bag of candy his dad gave him. Just going to town on it. This stranger walks up to him and says: hey kid - eating that much candy is bad for you...it can lead to obesity and tooth decay to name a few things.

The kid unimpressed looks at him and says: it's funny you say that because my grandfather lived until 107 years old

The stranger perplexed asks how did he manage that

To which the kid answers back: By minding his own fucking business

As a Dad, it breaks my heart to see how quick my kids are to blame others.
They get that from their mother.

When can "Dad" jokes be retired?
When the kids are fully groan.

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner...
...but he doesn't tell his kids what kind of meat it is. He decides to make them work for it and gives them the clue "Your mum sometimes calls me this instead of my name". The young girl pushes it away, "Ew! I'm not eating asshole, Dad!"

Obama Fans - Little Johnny
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny. The teacher asked little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again. Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan." The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Obama?" Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican." The teacher asked him why he was a Republican. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my mom is a Republican and my Dad is a Republican, so I am a Republican." Annoyed by the answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan."

A British girl meets a guy...
And they hit it off immediately. The girl goes to her dad the next day to tell him about it.

"Oh, dad, he's just the sweetest! He loves dancing and photography, he's great with kids, and he volunteers at an animal shelter. He's funny, handsome, a great listener, oh! and he's a goalie for a local football team. Oh dad, what do you think?"

Her dad looked at her with an odd expression and said "Oh honey...



... *he's a keeper*"

My dad had a vasectomy because he didn't want kids anymore
But when he got home from the hospital we were still there

Dad cooks a deer and doesn't tell the kids what it is
He gives them one clue. "It's what your mother calls me". His son yells "It's a fucking dick, dont eat it!"

Bus driver
A little kid gets on a city bus, sits right behind the driver, and starts talking loudly, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow, I'd be a little bull."

The driver gets annoyed as the kids continues to yammer on. "If my dad was an rooster and my mom a hen, I would be a little chick."

The kid goes on and on with all the animals he knows, when finally, the bus driver yells, "What if your dad was a bum and your mom was a drunk?"

The kid smiles and says, "I'd be a bus driver."

Man sits down for dinner with his kids...
he turns to his first born son and asks him to pass the salt. His first born says "Dad, I need to tell you something. I'm gay."

The Father's face turns red and his eye starts twitching. He takes a deep breath, exhales and says "Ok son, I respect your life choice."

He then turns to his second born son and asks him to pass the pepper. His second born says "Dad, I too need to tell you something. I am also gay."

The father loses his calm and slams both fists on the table and yells "GOD DAMN IT, ISN'T THERE ANYONE IN THIS HOUSE THAT LIKES PUSSY!!!???"

His daughter replies "Dad, I need to tell you something..."

Legos are a lot like boobs.
They're meant for kids, but Dad always ends up playing with them

When is the best time for a dad joke to retire?
When the kids are fully groan.

A father cooks his family venison for dinner, he doesn't tell the kids what the meat is and asks them to guess..
The dad says:
"I'll give you a clue, it's what your mother calls me."

His son yells:
"Don't eat it, it's a fucking dick!"

Walking the Dog... Who says dads can't think on their feet? And the innocence of little kids ...
A little girl asked her Mom,
"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies,
"No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says,
"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little
gasoline, and dabbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said,
"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go
one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no
dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down
the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

What do toy trains and boobs have in common?
They were both designed for the kids but it's the dad that ends up playing with them.

Three kids are in a park with their father
The first child approaches the father and asks,
"Dad, why am I named Dandy?"

Father responds,
"Because a dandelion fell on your head when you were born."

Second kid comes up and asks
"Dad, why am I named Rose?"

Dad responds,
"Because a rose fell on your head when you were born."

Third kid runs up screaming,
"HRJSOAOSBRBRJFIDISOSBBPPPBFFFSSSS"

Dad gets up and shouts at the third one, causing a scene,
"SHUT UP BRICK!"

2 kids hear their dad cussing
So the two decide that the nest day they will both cuss at breakfast the next morning, the young one decides to say ass, the oldest says he will say damn, so the next morning their mother asks them what they would like, the oldest says "give me some of them damn cheerios." And WHAM! the mother slaps him off his chair and turns to the youngest one and asks, well what would you like? And he replies "you can bet your sweet ass I don't want any of them damn cheerios!"

Little Johnny's Classic Summer Story
On the first day of school, the teacher goes around the class asking the kids what they did that summer.

Teacher: "Johnny, what did you do?"

Johnny: "Well my dad got in a car accident, and a piece of metal went right up his ass!"

Teacher: "Johnny! We don't use that word in here, we say 'rectum.'"

Johnny: "Wrecked 'im? Damn near killed 'im!"

Favorite Dad Joke
My 4 year old cousin needs help putting her shoes on.

Cousin to my dad: "Can you put my shoes on?"

Dad: "Well I'll try but I don't think they're going to fit."

(As he tries to stuff his foot into a size 3 kids shoe)

An old Jewish man is dying at home in bed.
His entire family is gathered around him.

Sarah, the man calls for his wife...

Im here dear.

And the kids?

We are all here too dad.

And the grandchildren?

We are all here.

Well, if you are all here then why is the light in the kitchen turned on?

What do kids in Arkansas call pedophiles?
Dad

Two scared dads
Two kids are arguing over whose father was the biggest scaredy cat. Tommy says, My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bead.

Peter replies, Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door.

A child is going through his mother's purse and takes out her driver's license...
his mother catches him reading it and mildly scolds him

the kid says "but i learned so much about you from it"

she says "well, ok, what did you learn about me"

"well, says the kid... "i know your age now"

"and what is that?" says his mother

"you're old" says the kid

"and i learned your height"

"which is?' says the mother

"you're really tall" he says

"well, yes, i am tall for a woman"

"and, i learned your weight" he says

"and what is that?" asks the mother

"a lot for a woman your height" the kids says

the mother sighs and says "well, that's not nice, but i can't argue that"

"and" the kid says "i know why dad divorced you"

"Huh? what?" says the mother, "how on earth did you get that from a drivers license"

"because, you got an F in sex"

A dad cooks deer meat for dinner but doesn't tell the kids what it is.
He offers one clue "it's what your mother calls me". One of the kids then screams "it's a fucking dick!!! Don't eat it!!!"

A hunter kills a deer 🦌
and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.

His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"

"You'll see", he replies.

They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.

"Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."

His daughter screams ... "Don't eat it, Jimmy! ... It's a fucking asshole ..."

more dad-jokes (the limb-less edition)
What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?

Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at your front door?

Matt.

The neighborhood kids came to Timmy's house and asked if he could come out to play. "Shame on you kids," says Timmy's mom. "Don't you know Timmy doesn't have any arms or legs? He can't play with you."

"But we're playing baseball and we need a home base."

What do you call a Ghost without any Boo's?
SOBER!

Note: (am Dad) I told this joke to my kids at Olive Garden last night, and an old lady made sure to let me know how corny it was

I'm always doing dad jokes with the kids.
My favourite is:
"Hi, going to call childline, I'm dad!"

A Mother is cleaning her kids room...
She finds a bunch of BDSM gear and fetish mags. She shows her husband

Mom: What do we do?

Dad: I'm not sure, but whatever you do you better not spank him!!

Two kids are sitting on a bench outside of a bar.
A drunk man comes out of the bar and goes to the kids, and he says "I fucked your mom last night!" Then he stumbles back to the bar.

10 minutes later, the man comes out even more drunk. He goes back to the kids yelling, "Your mom sucked my dick last night!" Then he returns to the bar again.

Another 10 minutes pass, the man again approaches the kids and screams, "I fucked your mom in the ass last night!"

One of the kids responds, "dad, can we go home ?"

When I was five years old...
When I was five years old, I asked my dad for a new bicycle for my birthday. He said to me, "Well is your dick long enough to touch your bumhole?"

I replied, "No,"

To which he countered, "Then you can't bloody get a new bicycle."

When I was ten I really wanted a puppy for my birthday, and we'd always have the same conversation.

"Can you dick touch your bumhole?"

And I nonchalantly I replied as always, "No, it can not."

"Well then you can't bloody get a puppy!" Was the reply.

This went on for years and years. I lived a tough life throughout my childhood watching other kids playing with cool toys. Fast forward to the present, where I've won the lottery and have all the money to buy whatever toys I want. Yes I have the Transformers, iPods, puppies and all that shit.

Just the other day, my Dad came by to my place, "Son, can I have a motorbike?"

Remembering our old joke I said, "Well can your dick touch your bumhole?"

He smiled and said, "Why yes son, it can."

I replied, "Well you can go fuck yourself."

Little Jimmy got called into the principal's office.
"Jimmy," the principal said, "you can't bring your cat to school." "I'm sorry, mister, I had to. I was afraid for his life." Confused, the principal asked him what he meant. Jimmy replied: "I heard my dad say 'when the kids go to school, I'm going to tear that pussy apart.'"

Three kids are talking at school...
The first one says: "my dad is a formula one driver; he is super fast!" The second one answers: "Really? My dad is a pilot, and with his jet he is even faster than your dad!" They both turn to the last kid. He puts down his cookie, and tells the others: "My dad is so fast, his timetable says he finishes work at 6, but he's always home by 5". The two other kids are amazed, and they ask where his dad works. "He's a state employee".

Little Johnny makes class awkward again
Teacher asks kids to come up and draw something that is important in their lives. First kids goes up to the board and draws a firetruck and explains his dad is a firefighter. Next kid goes up and draws a skateboard and explains he loves to skateboard and wants to be like Tony Hawk. Little Johnny goes up to the board and draws a little dot on the board. Teacher asks him what it is. "It's a period." Teacher asks why it's important. "Well, my sister missed one and my whole family is excited."

Lee, the man I grew up thinking was my father, recently told me he doesn't have any kids...
...I could've sworn he was my real dad, but a parent Lee not!

What's a cowlick?
Dad: Son, your hair dresser does such a good job even with your cowlick as crazy as it is

Son: What's a cowlick?

Dad: Whatever it wants.

Son: what?

Dad: ...



My dad made this joke when I was around 10 and I didn't understand it until I was around 16...and I asked him about it every once in a while and he pretended he had no idea what I was talking about...really played the long con there....I can't wait for my kids to ask me about a cowlick...

Two kids are bragging about how fast their dads are.
One kid says, My dad is so fast he can throw a football up and run underneath it and catch it!

The other kid, who's dad is a state worker says, My dad is so fast he gets off work at 5, and is home at 4:30!

A son asked his dad where kids were made.
The dad replied:
"Everything is made in China. Except kids. They are made from the VaChina."

What is the difference between Capitalism and Communism?
It's the order of events,

In Capitalism the dad goes missing and then kids report,
while in Communism kids report then dad goes missing.

Dad and Son
A kid goes up to his dad and says "Hey dad, can you buy me an Xbox". The dad replies "Can your dick touch your asshole?". "No" the kid responds. The dad says "Well then there's your answer". The kid finds someone to buy the Xbox for him. The Dad see's the kid playing on the Xbox and says "Hey, you got it. Can I try?" The kid replies "Can your dick touch your asshole?". "Actually yes it can" The dad responds". Then the kids says "Well then go fuck your self".

Out of the mouth of children
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is.

The kids ask what it is, and dad says we won't tell you, but we'll give you a clue, "It's something that Mommy calls daddy sometimes." The little girl screams to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!"

Little Johnny's dad
Little Johnny's teacher asks every kid in the class to share what their dads to for a living.

"My dad's a fireman."

"My dad's a policeman."

Soon, all the kids except little Johnny had shared. The teacher asks:

"Little Johnny, what does your father do?"

"Nothing, he's dead."

"Well, I'm sorry to hear that. What did he do before he died?"

"He shit his pants and turned blue."

"Daddy, the kids at school call me gay!"
"Well why don't you just beat them up?"

"But they're so cute though."

4 little kids were arguing which one had the tallest dad...
The first one says: "my dad is the tallest dad of em all! when he raises his arms, he can touch the roof in our house!"
"that's nothing!" yelled the second kid: "when my dad raises his arms, he can touch the rooftop of the building we are living in!"
"oh yeah?" yelled the third one; "well, when my dad raises his arms, he can touch the biggest clouds in the sky!" to wich the fourth replies "these big clouds your dad touches in the sky aren't clouds jimmy.. theyre my dad's balls"

Human thought
A teacher is teaching the kids that there is nothing quicker than a human thought. All of a sudden, one of the kids gets up and says that she is wrong, so the teacher asks, "What could be quicker, then?"

The kid then says, "Well, last night I overheard my parents having sex as I was passing by the bedroom. After a short while I heard my dad say, 'Shit, I came quicker than I thought.'"

Did you hear about the redneck couple with 9 kids?
The dad went to the doctor to get a vasectomy and the doctor asked him why. 'Well, we read that 1 out of 10 babies born in the US now are Mexican, and we don't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither the wife nor I speak Spanish'.

A man took his 3 kids to a maze
His kids' names are Flour, Sugar, and Butter. The four of them split up in the maze to try to solve it. Along the way, Dad bumps into Butter. They exchange surprised looks and laughs and continue on their way. After 10 more minutes, Dad bumps into Butter again. They repeat the previous exchange and go on their ways. A collision between Dad and Butter happens a third time. After dad leaves the corner where he saw Butter the third time he hears someone else approaching him.
"Oh, Butter! You got me again!" Dad says.
The person turns the corner and Dad sees that it's Flour and Sugar.
"Oh!" Dad exclaims.

"I can't believe it's not butter!"

A boy and his father are in the store
When they come across the section where the condoms are kept. The boy looks at them and asks his dad why they come in packs of 3, 6, and 12.

The father replies: "Well son the 3 pack is for the highschool kids, one for Friday, one for saturday, and one for Sunday. The 6 pack is for the college kids. Same principle, but 2 for friday, 2 for Saturday, and 2 for sunday."

"What about the 12 pack?" asked the son.

"Those are for the married men" said the dad proudly.

"Really?" asked the son.

"Yes indeed," said the father. "One for January, one for February, one for March........."

DAD JOKE!!
Oh look kids, a train just passed here.
Gee dad how can you tell that?
Well look, you can see it's tracks!!!

Dad joke while in labor and delivery
Wife is getting induced so we are currently at the hospital and while talking to the nurse she asked how many kids she had. To which she replied 3 as any seasoned Dad would do I decided to introduce a joke that had me cracking up in my head so I turn and look and say 3 kids with a frown that's an odd number. Made my day but was made to a tough crowd so came here for a better response.

Tommy's parents wanted to have sex....
So his dad asked him to stand in the balcony and tell What's happening outside. Tommy started
Tommy : Sam is having his breakfast
Lil is starting her car
Kids are playing in the park
Mark is opening his garage
Mike's parents are having sex
Dad : What! How do you know that!
Tommy : He is also standing in the balcony!

When I was a kid, I asked my dad what "gay" meant
He told me it meant "happy," but he could tell the answer didn't sit right with me.

I explained "the kids at school told me it's when a guy has sex with another guy."

He nodded and shrugged. "Yeah, it's the only thing that makes me happy."

What do you call an adult male that has no kids but still acts like a dad?
A faux pax

A dad and a son walk into the bar the kids 21st birthday.
The son is only a head however. The dad places him on the bar and asks the bartender for 2 drinks. After the son finishes the first his torso magically appears. Astonished the dad asks for another round. The sons arms appear. Again and his legs appear until the son has all his limbs. The son is so estactic that he runs around the bar for the first time in his life until he falls and hits his head and dies. The bartender turns to the father and says he should've stopped while he was a head.

The teacher asks his class which is larger an atom or a cell...
...None of the kids raise their hands finally Johnny raises his hand. The teacher calls on him and Johnny answers correctly saying that a cell is larger. When asked to explain he replys that his dad could only fit his penis into Adam but he now lives in a cell.

(Not very good, I just thought of it in science when asked the same question.)

Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!
A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of
3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one
For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two
For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.

"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.

A teenage girl was having sex with her boyfriend...
at her parent's house. Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"

The dad being, a dad, replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

A boy was watching TV with his father
When a sex scene came on.
"well son, time for bed" the father says.
"but dad, I'm 15 now!" the son complains.
The father replies "I don't care how old you are son, you're not watching me masturbate"

My dad first talked to me about sex when I was going to college.

He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist."

"Dad," I said, "I have condoms."

And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."

Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!
A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.

"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

A girl is having sex with her boyfriend [NSFW]
At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "... I'm sorry"

The dad being a dad replies "Hi Sorry! I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking Sorry?"

A boy is watching TV with his father when a sex scene comes on.
"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."

A father walks in on his daughter having sex
Father: What the hell is going on in here?!

Daughter: Dad! Oh my god, I'm sorry!

Father: Hi Sorry, I'm Dad!

*the father turns to her boyfriend*

Father: Are you fucking sorry?

My teenage daughter came home in a rage.
"I've just had sex education in school today, Dad!

You lied to me!

You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday my boyfriend will die!"

I put down my paper: "Oh, he will sweetheart, he will.

My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. We had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die! I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…
Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.

Dad with his son are watching a movie when a sex scene begins
\-Son, leave the room please.

\-Dad, but I'm 23...

\-I don't give a fuck how old you are, you're not going to watch me jack off.

A father and his son were watching TV together
When a sex scene came on. "well son, time for bed" the father says. "but dad, I'm 15 now!" the son complains. The father replies "I don't care how old you are son, you're not watching me masturbate"

I sexually identify as an invisible dad.
I'm trans-parent.

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks "What's are these, dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex". "Oh I see" replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school".

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday". "Cool!" says the boy.

He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men" The dad answers "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday". "WOW!" exclaimed the boy.

"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

Teenage sex
My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

'I've just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!'

I put down my paper: 'Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.'

Anal sex is just like your first car
You don't want it, but your dad gives it to you anyway

A dad walks in on his daughter having sex with her boyfriend...
...she looks at him "dad, I'm sorry" he says "Hi sorry, I'm dad" then he turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking Sorry!?"

A kid had sex with his teacher
So the kid just got of school and he got into the car with his mom. The mom asks, "What did you do at school today?"
The kid replies, "I had sex with the teacher."
The mom was furious so when they got home, she told him to go to his room and wait for his father to come home.
Well the father came home from work a couple hours later and the mother told him what their son said. The dad walks up to his sons room and says, "Son, I'm proud of you. I'm going to buy you a new bike."
Later that day they got the bike and the father asks, "Would you like to try it out?"
The son replies, "Not now. My butt still hurts."

A kid asks his dad "What's the difference between realistically and potentially?"
The father responds with "Go ask your siblings and your mother if they would have sex with a celebrity for a million dollars."


The boy asks his mom "Would you have sex with George Clooney for a million dollars?"


The mother responds " While I am a married woman, that is a lot of money. He is also a very attractive man."


The boy asks his sister "Would you have sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"


"Well of course! " she exclaims.


Finally he asks his brother "Would you have sex with Tom Cruise for a million dollars"


And he hums and haws about it "I dunno man, well... That is a lot of money. Yeah alright I'd do it."


When the boy sees his father again the father asks " Did you figure out the difference between potentially and realistically?"


"Yes father, Potentially were sitting on $3,000,000. Realistically were living with two whores and a fag."

Dad joke
A dad goes to see his daughter in her room but the door is shut. He opens it, and finds his daughter and some guy he's never met having sex.

The daughter looks up, distraught and embarrassed.
"I.. I can explain! I'm sorry!"

"Hi Sorry, I'm Dad."

He looks at the guy.

"Are you fucking Sorry?"

Little Johnny's parents decided to have sex.
So to get him out of the house they tell him to go to the balcony and count the number of red cars on the road, Johnny says sure and goes out. After they've finished having sex they call him inside and ask him " So how many red cars did you see?", Johnny says " I didn't see any red cars but i found out our neighbours Mr and Mrs Smith were fucking" his dad laughs and says " haha well did they leave the curtains open?", Johnny spits out, "No I saw their son on the balcony counting cars"

Johnny was in class one day...
and the teacher was asking everyone what their parents do. One said her dad was a firefighter, another said his mom was a nurse. When the teach asked Johnny what his dad does Johnny said "Well my dad is a stripper in a gay bar, and if the guy looks good and the money is right he'll have sex with him out back in the alley." The teacher asked everyone to take their seats and sit quietly, then asked Johnny to step into the hall. She asked Johnny if his dad was really a stripper in a gay bar and Johnny said "Absolutely not. He's the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, but I was too embarrassed to say that."

A father and son are having the talk about sex
After a few minutes, the son says, "Dad, I know all that stuff. We went over it in Health class."

Dad says, "Well, do you have any questions?"

"Yeah, I have one about condoms."

"What do you need to know?"

"When I was in the drugstore, I saw that they sell them by the dozen. Who needs that many at once?"

"That's an easy one, son. You saw that they sell packages of three. High schoolers buy those. One for Friday, one for Saturday, one for the rest of the week. They also sell packages of six. College students buy those. Two for Friday, two for Saturday, two for the rest of the week."

"OK dad, but what about the dozen?"

"Married people buy those. One for January, one for February..."

A son ask his dad to explain the difference between reality and fiction.
Dad: It's complicated but let me try to explain. Honey, would you sleep with the neighbor for 100,000$?

Mom: Yes of course because I know we need the money.

Dad: Very good. Alright now Tasha, would you have sex with the neighbor's son for 200,000$?

Daughter: Yeah sure!

Dad: Perfect. So you see son, right now we would have 300,000 fictional dollars but in reality we have two whores in this house.

Broken Leg
Bill had a broken leg. His friend Nick visits him.

Bill asks Nick, "Can you go get my slippers upstairs?"

Nick goes upstairs to see Bills beautiful daughters on their beds.

Nick says, "Your dad wants me to have sex with you."

They say, "No way! Prove it!"

Nick shouts at Bill, "Both of them?"

Bill shouts, "Yes, both! What's the use of fucking one!?"

My first school rugby game was a bit like the first time having sex..
I was sore and bloody at the end... But at least my dad came

My dad got fired for having sex with one of his patients the other day.
Which is a shame because he was a really good vet.

This woman is at her 95 year old fathers funeral
and she is sitting next to her 95 year old mother. While the eulogy is being read, the daughter leans over to her mother and says "Mom, you were there when dad died weren't you?" The mother said "Yes." The daughter asked, "Mom, how did he die?" The mother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were having sex." The daughter said "Mom! Don't you think that 95 years old is a little old to be having sex?! Don't you think that is a little irresponsible?!" The mother said "Well no, we found that the perfect time to do it was on Sunday because from our bedroom we could hear the church bells ringing. This was his perfect rhythm. He would go in on ding and out on dong, in on ding and out on dong. And he would still be alive today if that damn ice cream truck hadn't rolled by."

Slip of the Tongue
Joe has a broken leg. Mike comes over and asks, "How you doing', Joe?"

Joe says, "Do me a favor: Run upstairs and get my slippers."

Mike goes upstairs and sees Joe's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters. He says, "your dad sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

One girl replies, "Get out of here. Prove it?"

Mike shouts down stairs -, "Hey, Joe, both of 'em?"

Joe shouts back, "of course, both of 'em!" What's the point of fuckin' one?"

My first highschool football game was a lot like my first time having sex...
I was pretty roughed up, sore, and kinda bloody, but at least my dad came (:

My first time having sex was alot like my first football game
It was painful, it was tiring

But at least my dad came

My dad was showing me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex.
The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.

My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex..
I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.

My teenage daughter came home in a rage.
My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

'I've just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!'

I put down my paper: 'Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.'

How is anal sex like your first car?
It may not be exactly what you wanted but that doesn't stop your Dad from giving it to you anyway.

Dad says to son: "Okay, time to talk about sex"
Son: "Dad, I'm 27, what do you want to talk about?"

Dad: "Show me how to watch porn on a phone"

My first time having sex was a lot like my first high-school football game.
I was bruised and bloody in the end but at least my dad came.

My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex...
I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.

A kid walks up to his dad... "Daddy, what does a vagina look like?"
His dad asks: "Do you mean before or after sex?"

Kid: "What's the difference?"

Dad: "Okay think of the most beautiful flower you've ever seen, with pink, symetrical petals, a thing of pure
beauty... do you have that image in your head?" - "yes, daddy" - "Well son, that's what a vagina looks like before sex!"

Kid: "And what does it look like after?"

Dad: "Well... ever seen a bulldog who ate a jar of majonaise?"

When I was young my dad really emphasized how important it would be to use a condom if I ever had sex with a girl.
I asked him why.
"Because, son," he said, "any girl that would sleep with you would sleep with anyone."

I saw Santa Claus having sex with my mom. To get him back, I poisoned the cookies.
It turns out that Santa knew I would do this and killed my dad.

Daddy, what's sex?
A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

So, her father sits her down and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections and wet-dreams. Then he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the whole works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell the truth.

The girl is quite awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks, "So what made you wish to know about sex?"

"Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

My first time having sex was like watching a game of golf.
I hated it. It was really long and boring, and every time I complained my dad told me to shut the fuck up.

I had sex with a girl on her period once
Her dad walked in and caught me red-handed.

When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex.
The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.

A man walks into a drug store with his 10-year old son...
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men…
One for January, one for February, one For March......."

Redneck Sex....
A brother and sister are having sex

And randomly the sister just starts giggling

The brother asks "what's so damn funny?"

She responds: "you fuck just like dad"

The brother begins to laugh and says: "I know, mom told me"

I saw Santa Claus having sex with my mom. To get him back, I poisoned his cookies.
Some how the bastard found out and killed my dad.

My first time having sex was just like my first time riding a bike
My dad was holding me from behind.

Anal sex is like your first car..
You dont want it but your dad gives it to you anyway.

A boy is in a CVS with his dad...
A boy is in a CVS with his dad. While in line at the pharmacy, the boy notices something in a box that resembles balloons. Curious, the boy asks his dad about these balloons in the box. "Well, those are condoms, son," the boy's dad replies. "What are condoms used for, dad?" replied the little boy. "They are used so men can practice safe sex," said the father. The boy asks his dad who would use the box of three. The boy's dad replies, "Those are for high school kids. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." The boy then spots a box of six and asks his dad about those. "Those are for college kids son. They use two on Friday, two on Saturday and two on Sunday." The boy then asks, "Well what about the box of twelve?" To which the boy's dad replied, "Those are for married men like myself, son. One for January, one for February, one for March....."

A little boy is dragging a dead frog on a leash and goes to a whore house...
He walks in and asks the head mistress specifically for a whore with an std. The mistress confused asks the little boy why. The little boy says, "well when I go home my parents will go out and leave me with a babysitter and she will have sex with me and get it, then when my parents get home my dad will take the babysitter home, bang her on the way and get it, then he will get home and give it to my mom, then when my dad goes to work tomorrow she will have sex with the mailman and give it to him and that's the asshole that ran over my pet frog.

Paddy has a broken leg
Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How you doin?"

Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19 year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.

He says, "Your dad sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

They say, "Get away with ya... prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?" Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?"

Anal sex is like getting your first car
You dont really want it but your step dad gives it To you anyways

My Dad told me to find a woman that likes to cook, clean, and have sex.
The most important thing though was to make sure that these three women never meet.

Paddy has a broken leg
Paddy has a broken leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "How ya doin?"

Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favor mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, my feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous twin daughters lying on the bed.

He says, "Your dad sent me up here to have sex with you both."

They say, "Get away with ya... prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of them?"

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of them, whats the point of fuckin one?"

My 5 year-old son caught me having sex with my wife.
He asked, "Dad, what are you doing with Mom?"

"I was just pushing the air out of her tummy." I replied.

"It's no use, I saw our neighbor blowing air between Mom's legs every morning after you leave for work."

Wife tells her husband that their 13-year-old son had sex with his teacher...
The wife demands the husband go upstairs and discipline the boy. The husband goes up to the room, shuts the door and says "I heard you had sex with your teacher."
The boy sheepishly says, "yes, dad."
The dad whispers, "You're not in trouble. I'm actually proud of you! I didn't have sex with my teacher until I was a senior in high school! You know that new bike you wanted? Let's go get it."
So the dad takes the boy to the bike shop and buys him the new bike.
"How about you ride your new bike home, son," says the dad proudly.
"Naw, that's okay," the son replies. "My ass is still a little sore."

A little kid walks into his parents' bedroom while they're having sex
The little boy asked, "What are you doing?"

His mother explains, "Your dad was full of air, so I was jumping on him to get it out."

The boy says, "That's really funny. Whenever you go out for work, your sister comes and blows him right back up."

My first time having sex...
was like my first time riding a bike, with my dad holding me from behind

A little boy walks in on his parents........
A little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The dad, all flustered, tries to explain to him what was going on.
-Well, you know how you've always wanted a little brother?....that's what I was doing with mommy. I was putting your little brother inside mommy.
The little guy seems content with the explanation, and the dad is quite proud of himself for having thought of it.
A couple of weeks later, the dad comes home from work to find the little boy crying on the front steps.
-What's wrong buddy...why're you crying?
-My baby brother.
-What about him?
-The mailman came by today....AND ATE HIIIIMM!!

Kids walks in on parents having sex
A kid walks by his parents room and sees his parents having sex. The dad notices his son standing there so he just winks and keeps on going. The next day the dad walks by his sons room and sees his son plowing into grandma. The kids turns to his dad and says " not so funny when it's your mom is it?"

"I have married a ton of women but not once have I ever had sex. It's unfair!" a man complained in a bar.
"well," said the bartender, "what were you expecting, Father Peter?"


Sorry... dad joke.

A boy comes home after school one day
A boy comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.

She asks, Did anything special happen at school today?

Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!

The mother is stunned. You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home.

Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he
walks over to his son and says, Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher.

That's right, Dad.

Well, you became a man today—this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream,
and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for.

That sounds great, Dad, but can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me.

Boy Walks In On Parents
who are in the middle of having sex. The mom was on top of the dad when he enteres and immediately jumped off when she saw the son enter. The boy turns and runs from the room and goes back to his bedroom to think about what he just saw. The mom grabs her robe and come into his room to try and explain what he saw.

Mom: Son, I know you are confused about what you saw but its really simple. You know your dad has a big stomach so every night I sit on it to make it go down.

Son: well thats the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Mom: (shocked) Well what do you mean?

Son: Well thats stupid because every day you go to work the neighbor comes over and blows it right back up.

I took a girl back to my house for sex last night.
After going upstairs, I slowly removed my clothes and climbed under the quilt.

You'll have to be really quiet, I whispered, My mum & dad are asleep.

I can see that, she said, Have you not got your own bed?

Today i realised why my Dad divorced my mom
I saw her driving license. she has an F in sex

Duck a Fuck
A father gave his three sons a duck each and asked them to go and try to sell them for the best price.

The first son went out and sold his duck for $5, went home and told his dad what he had done. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer.

The second son also sold his duck for $5. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer.

The third son went out and saw a gorgeous blonde woman on the side of the road.

He went up to her and said I'll give you my duck if you have sex with me. She considered it and said Ok . They had sex and when they were done she said wow that was good, I'll give you your duck back if you'll do me again. The boy agreed. While they were having sex again, the duck got loose and ran out into the road.

They saw the duck escape and pulled their pants on but not quickly enough to prevent the duck from getting run over by a car. The driver jumped out of the car and said I'm so sorry i killed your duck. I'll give you $40 to make up for it.

When the third son finally returned home in the evening, his dad asked how much he had made.

He said I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and forty bucks for a fucked up duck.

The first time I've had sex was like the first time I rode my bike
My dad was holding me from behind

It's dark
Little Johnny likes playing hooky quite often and he hides in his mom's closet until she takes a nap. One day he plays hooky as usual but today a strange guy comes over and he and Johnny's mom have sex. Right as they're finishing up johnny's dad comes home early so the man hides in the closet. The following conversation occurs:
"It's dark in here, huh?"
Shut up kid, I'm hiding.
"Wanna buy my baseball?"
No, shut up!
"I'm gonna tell my daddy on you for what you were doing to my mom"
Fine! I'll buy the damn ball if you shut up. How much?
" 300 dollars"
No way I'm paying that much!
" I'm gonna tell"
Fine, ya rip off! Here.

They swap the money and the ball.

A few days later the strange guy is back at it and Johnny's dad comes home early again and the guy hides in the closet again. The following conversation occurs:
"It's dark in here huh?"
Yeah. Shut up.
" wanna buy a baseball glove?"
No. Not this time.
"I'll tell daddy"
Fine. How much?
" 700 dollars"
No way!
"Yes or I'm gonna scream"

Needless to say, they swap cash for glove.

The next day Johnny's dad asks him if he wants to play catch. Johnny says "that'll be hard to do without my ball and glove." And his dad asks what happened to it. Johnny explains he sold them for $1000.
Infuriated, his dad brings him to church to confess.
He puts Johnny in the booth and the following conversation occurs:
" it's dark in here huh?"
Don't start that shit again you little rip off!

A 15 year-old wants to go to a party.
"Will you drink any alcohol?" Asks his dad.

"No, dad."

"Will you use any drugs?"

"No, dad"

"Will you have sex?"

"No, dad"

"Then why would you even go?"

The cake is a lie.
A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex. After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?"

The mom quickly replied, "We were baking a cake."

A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake again?"

Surprised, she said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch."

Little Johnny
One day, Little Johnny came home from school early and walked in on his parents having sex.

Little Johnny: "What are you two doing?"

Father: "I am playing *Poker* son"

Little Johnny: "What about mom?"

Father: "Don't worry about her, she is my *Wildcard*"

Little Johnny shrugged, put down is backpack and went to the bathroom. An hour passed by and his dad became concerned.

Father: *Knocks on the door* "Little Johnny! Are you okay?" *No response* "LITTLE JOHNNY! ARE YOU OKAY?"

Still no response, his dad knocks down the door to catch Little Johnny playing with himself.

Father: "What were you doing in here, Little Johnny?"

Little Johnny: "I was playing *Poker*, Dad."

Father: "Oh really? If you're playing *Poker, then where is your Wildcard*?"

Little Johnny: "*Dad, when you have a hand this good, you don't need no Wildcard*"

My dad has 2 dicks
Little Johnny is sitting in Sex Ed class. The teacher draws a penis on the chalkboard. She turns around and asks the children what this is. Little Johnny stands right up and says "That's a dick! And I know cuz my dad has Two of them!"
"Two of them?!" The teacher exclaimed.
"Yeah, he uses the little one to pee and the big one to brush the babysitter's teeth."

A couple having sex asked their son to stand on the balcony....
A couple having sex in the bedroom asked their son to stand on the balcony to keep him occupied and keep telling them what's going on outside.

Son: John is buying fruits, Tina is playing and Michael is fucking his wife.

Dad: What? Is he doing it openly?

Son: No, I haven't seen him but his son is also standing in the balcony.

The "Talk"
The teenage son came home a saturday morning after begin at a party with some friends the night before.

His dad is in the kitchen, sees him and askes "How did it go son?"

"Good, good" the son replied "I had sex last night"

The father thought about the information for a couple of seconds, deciding it was now time to have the talk about the birds and the bees.

So they sat at the dinner table and had the talk.

When they were as good as done the father looked at his son "and remember, if you have any questions, never be afraid to ask"

"Well I have one" the son replied

"Yes?"

"For how long is my ass going to hurt this badly?"

My first football game was like the first time I had sex...
At the end I was bloody but at least my dad came.

Little Johnny's dad asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees...
Little Johnny claps his hands over his ears and says, "I don't wanna hear anymore! First you tell me there's no Santa Claus, and then there's no Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy either. If you're about to tell me grown ups don't have sex, I got nothin' to believe in anymore!"

Theory Vs. Reality
So a boy comes home from school and his dad asks him "Hey son, how was school?" the boy replies "Pretty good dad, but my last subject was about theory and reality... and to be honest, I didn't get it at all". The dad takes a seat and says "Son, let me teach you. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she would have sex with ANY man in the world, aside from me, for 1 million dollars." So the boy goes upstairs and asks his mother "Mom, would you have sex with any guy aside from dad for a million dollars?" to which the mother replies "Well, your sister is going off to college and we just took a second mortgage on the house... yeah, I'd do it." So the boy goes downstairs to his dad and says "dad, she said she would do it for a million dollars!" So the father goes "Alright son, now go upstairs and ask your sister if she would have sex with any guy but her boyfriend for a million dollars." the boy runs upstairs and asks his sister if she would have sex with any guy but her boyfriend for a million dollars... she instantly says yes. the boy runs downstairs again and says "dad dad, she didn't even hesitate, she would do it!"

So the dad says "You see son? In theory, we're sitting on two million dollars. but in reality, we're living with a couple of whores"

I sexually identify as an invisible dad.
I am trans-parent.

Daughter goes to sex ed...
My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

'I've just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!'

I put down my paper: "Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will."

The first time I had sex was alot like my first time riding a bike
My dad held me from behind

hillbilly sex
Cletus, a seven-year-old hillbilly, comes up to his dad one day and says, "Daddy, what's sex?'

The dad says, "Why Cletus! You're all of seven years old, and you don't know what sex is?"

Cletus drops his eyes and says, "No, I shorely don't."

The dad says, "C'mere, young'n." Takes him by the wrist and into their shack, where the mom is passed out on the couch from drinking corn liquor all morning.

The dad lifts up her threadbare calico dress, points, and says, "See that hole twixt yer mammy's legs?"

"Yes."

"Well, watch this." He drops his pants, gets on, and starts boning the mom.

Cletus is watching, wide-eyed, and his sister, five-year-old Lu Ella, comes in, gasps, and says, "Cletus! What're they doin'?"

"Having sex."

"What's sex?"

"Why Lu Ella! You're all of five years old, and you don't know what sex is?"

Lu Ella drops her eyes and says, "No, I shorely don't."

Cletus says, "See that hole twixt Daddy's legs? Watch this!"

My wife is an English teacher
She always corrects my grammar while having sex. I'll go "suck it good" and she'll reply "it's suck it well!". I'll say "Who's your daddy" and she'll correct "who's your dad".

She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of colon.

My first sexual experience was a lot like my first foot ball game.
There was a lot of sweat and blood but at least my dad came.

My First Time Having Sex Was Like My First High School Football Game...
I was bloody and sore by the end of it, but hey, at least my Dad came!

Son: Hey dad, want to hear a joke?
Dad: Sure son.
Son: Sex.
Dad: I don't get it.
Son: I know you don't.

Play wrestling that turns into sex,
is the reason i hate wrestling with my dad

Little Johnny catches his mom and dad...
Mom and dad are having sex when little Johnny walks in. Quickly, dad tells him to leave. When mom and dad come out of the room, they explain to Johnny that sometimes daddy's get a big tummy and mommy's have to jump on it so it will deflate. Then Johnny replies, "But why does mommy have to deflate it when Ms. Jane next door just comes over every day to blow it back up?"

A son goes to his father...
and asks:

"Dad, can I go to a party?"

"Are you going to drink alcohol?"

"No, sir."

"Are you going to do drugs?"

"No, sir."

"Are you going to have sex?"

"No, sir."

"Then why the fuck do you want to go to a party?"

Brush yo teeth...
A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class. She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"


And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"


And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"


And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."

So, I ordered a Home Rorschach Test.
... But all they sent me was a bunch of pictures of my dad having sex with my mom.

Bill's mom and dad want to have their own private time...
Bill's mom and dad want to have sex but their son is always around.They come up with an idea and ask Bill to go to balcony and report everything happening in the neighborhood.

They start to have sex while Bill reports.

"Miss Humphrey is going to office."

"Daniel is working at his garden."

"and umm..Mr.Bob is painting his window."

"Dave's mom and dad are having sex."

Bill's mom and dad stop right away and his dad asks from the bedroom,"How do you know that?"

Bill says,"Dave is on the balcony."

"Can we not have sex tonight? I'm tired"
"Hi Tired, I'm dad"

I can't see my Dad now he's had a sex change
He's trans-parent

Who likes little Johnny jokes?
One day little Johnny and his dad are sitting at the breakfast table. Johnny turns to his dad and says, "dad what does a vagina look like?"

His dad thinks about it for a second and then says, "well little Johnny, before sex a vagina looks like a beautiful flower in the middle of a large bushy forest. It's such a beautiful sight to see. It even smells like a flower, it's just so beautiful."

Little Johnny says, "well dad if that's what it looks before sex what does it look like after?"

His dad thinks about it for a second and then says, "well little Johnny... have you ever seen a pitbull eating a jar of mayonnaise?"

My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex....
I was sore and bloody at the end, but at least my Dad came.

My first football game was a lot like the first time I had sex...
It was rough and bloody but at least my dad came.

What do Coors Light and sex on the beach have in common?
They're both fucking close to water.


(credit goes to my dad for this one...)

Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asks what's wrong.
"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

Johnny comes back home from school and tells his father, "Dad, tomorrow you are invited to a special parent meetings at school."
"How much special?"
"Well, just me, you, the director and two investigators from the FBI."

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers.

Salesman: "Can I see your dad?"
Johnny: "No, he's in the shower."
Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?"
Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too."
Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?"
Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead."

Little Johnny comes home and tells his daddy, "

Dad, tomorrow there's a special 'Adults' evening' at school.
Daddy is surprised, "Really? Special?"
"Yes," nods Johnny, "it will be just you, the teacher, the headmaster and two police officers."

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.

Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, daddy really liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

Little Johnny comes downstairs crying.

His mother asked, "What’s the matter now?"
"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer," said little Johnny through his tears.
"That’s not so serious," soothed his mother.
"I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?"
"I did!" sobbed Johnny.

Little Johnny took sex ed and every day when little Johnny would come in from school he'll tell his dad for learning sex ed well one day we'll just come in and he said that I got thrown out sex ed Lil Johnny's daddy says how do you get thrown out sex ed Little Johnny said well Dad I got in trouble for eating during class.

Johny came crying.
Dad: "What happened?"
Johny: "Today at class when we got up from our seats for prayer, Rita, who sits in front of us, had her skirt stuck between her ass, seeing that my bench mate pulled it out."
Dad: "That's bad, but why you are crying?"
Johny: "I knew that's bad, so I pushed it back into her ass and she slapped me."

Little Johnny came home after school:
"Daddy, I have a bad grade in English language.

"
"Why?" asked his father.
"Well, the teacher asked us the following question: "Mary entered the forest with John and came out of the forest with Mike. What is Mary?"
"How come what Mary is? A whore, of course," said the father.
"That's what I said, but the teacher answered Mary was a subject."

Little Johnny's father farted.
The son asked his father: "What was that?"
His father said: "My sweet that is 'north wind'"
When he went to school the teacher asked the class: "Who knows the direction of the north wind?
Little Johnny shouted: "My daddy's ass!"

One day, Little Johnny was with his father at home.

He asked: "What does "evolution" mean?"
His father replied, "Figure it out."
Next day, at school, during a math test, a boy raised his hand: "What's 289+308?"
The teacher said: "Figure it out."
Ten minutes later, Little Johnny looked at the boy and said: "Why don't you write "evolution"? Your teacher already told you!"

On Sunday little Johnny with his dad went for bathing.

The ground was slippery.
So poor boy for avoiding of knocking down grabbed his father's penis.
His father smiled and told him: "Oh boy you are lucky. If you were with your mother you were concussion!"

Little Johnny: "Dad why your dick's hairs are black but the hairs of your head are are going to be white?"
Dad: "My dear the first one is thinking but the second is enjoying."

Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board.
On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "It was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."

Teacher: "Who can tell a story?"
Little Johnny: "Our maid's ass."
Teacher: "Why?"
Little Johnny: "Last night daddy touched her ass and was whispering: 'A wonderful story.'"

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future."
"I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny.
"Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said the dad.
"Okay then...good night" said Little Jonny went off to bed.
In the middleof the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying.
He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper.
So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help.
When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep.
Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, buthis dad wasn't there.
So he went to the maid's room.
When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid.
Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized somethingand thinks aloud,
"OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, andthe future is full of shit!"

Little Johnny is sitting in class, the teacher is going over vocabulary words.

She asks the class to use a word in a sentence.
The teacher says the word is "contagious".
Johnny is waving his arm up and down, no other students have their arm up.
The teacher figures there is no way Johnny can come up something rude for this word, and she calls his name to use the word in a sentence.
Johnny says the other day, my dad and I were driving down the freeway and woman was painting a billboard, she was using a very small brush.
The teacher says "what does this have to do the word contagious?"
Johnny says "my dad turned to me and said: 'Son it is going to take that "cunt-ages" to paint that billboard with that little brush!'"
The teacher says, "never again!"

A teacher asks the children to discuss what their fathers do for a living.

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer.
He puts the bad guys in jail."
Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor.
He makes all the sick people better."
All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.
Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"
Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?"
"He turned blue and shit on the carpet."

One day while Johnny's dad was just getting out of the shower Johnny looked down and said, "Dad what's that hanging between your legs?"
"Oh Johnny that's my nerve and your's will be this big one of these days", replies Johnny's dad.
Anyway the next day while in school Johnny really had to pee so he raised his hand and said, "Miss I really need to go to the bathroom."
"No, not yet there's someone gone", says his teacher.
Not able to hold it in Johnny walks to the garbage can and starts to pee.
Surprised to see her student peeing in a garbage can in front of the whole class the teacher says, "My Johnny you have some nerve!"
Johnny says,"That's nothing you should see my fathers."

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully, he said.
"Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."
Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."
"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher.
The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."

Little Johnny was going to his faters house one day and he was packing everthing in his room and putting it in his little red wagon.
He was walking to his fathers house with his wagon behind him, when he came to this hill.
He started up the hill but was constantly swearing "This damn thing is so heavy"
A priest heard him and came out.
"You shouldn't be swearing" said the priest.
"God hears you...He is everywhere...He's in the chruch...He's on the sidewalk...He's everywhere"
Then Little Johnny says "Oh is he in my Wagon"
The priest replies "Yes Johnny God is in your Wagon"
Little Johnny says "Well tell him to get the hell out and start pulling"

A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies I just did some homework. The robot slaps the son. The son then says Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.

Dad asks What movie were you watching? The son replies Finding Nemo . The robot slaps the son. He then says Okay, okay. We were watching porn.

Dad said What?! At your age I didn't know what porn was. The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says Wow. He certainly is your son.

The robot slaps the mother.



^

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

So a little kid is going through his mothers purse and takes out her drivers lincense...
his mother catches him reading it and mildly scolds him

the kid says "but i learned so much about you from it"

she says "well, ok, what did you learn about me"

"well, says the kid... "i know your age now"

"and what is that?" says his mother

"you're old" says the kid

"and i learned your height"

"which is?' says the mother

"your really tall" he says

"well, yes, i am tall for a woman"

"and, i learned your weight" he says

"and what is that?" asks the mother

"a lot for a woman your height" the kids says

the mother sighs and says "well, that's not nice, but i can't argue that"

"and" the kid says "i know why dad divorced you"

"Huh? what?" says the mother, "how on earth did you get that from a drivers license"

"because, you got an f in sex"

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie...
The man decided to try it out at dinner.

Dad: Son, where were you during school hours?

Son: At school.


The robot slaps the son.


Son: Ok! I was at my friend's house watching a DVD.

Dad: Which one?

Son: Kung Fu Panda


The robot slaps the son again.


Son: Ok! It was a porno.

Dad: What!? When I was your age I didnt even know what porno was.


The robot slaps the dad.




Mom: HAHAHAHAHA. He is your son after all!


The robot slaps the mom.

A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon.
Son: "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
Son: "Ok, ok. I was at a friend's house watching a movie."
Dad: "What movie did you watch?"
Son: "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son: "Ok, ok, we were watching porn."
Dad: "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom: "Well, at least this isn't a repost."
The robot slaps the mother.

Man gets a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
After dinner he asks his son what he did after school.
Son says he did his homework. Robot slaps son.
Son admits he was at a friend's house watching movies.
Father asks what movie did son watch.
Son says they watched Toy Story. Robot slaps son.
Son admits they were watching porn.
Father says at this age he did not even know what porn was. Robot slaps Dad.
Mother laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." Robot slaps woman.

Robot for sale.

A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age
and the reporter asks "do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"

The old man thinks for a second and says "you know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad". And the reporter, stunned, stammers "y-your dad? Where is he right now??" and the old man says "I think he's out fishing with my grandpa".

My dad is never proud of anything I do.
Dad: Son, how old are you?

Son: 19.

Dad: When I was your age, I was 20.

Son: "I don't want to walk to school tomorrow, dad!" Dad: "When Abraham Lincoln was your age son, he had to walk 12 miles each day to get to school!" Son: "Well dad..."
"...when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was president!"

Lie Detector Robot
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
"Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son!
"Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" the son says "What dvd?" asks the father "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again!
"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son. "What!? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad!
Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son." Robot slaps the mom!
Awkward Silence

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.
Dad: Son, where were you at school hours?

Son: At school.

The robot slaps the son

Son: Okay I was watching KungFu Panda!

The robot slaps his son again.

Son: Okay I was watching violent movies!

Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies!

The robot slaps the dad.

Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son.

The robot slaps the mom...

I asked my Dad, "Dad, what did you want to do when you were my age?"
"Your mom's sister."

One of my favorites, probably a repost...
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. So he decides to try it out at dinner.

DAD: Son, where were you today during school?

SON: At school *robot slaps son*

SON: Ok, I went to the movies.

DAD: Which one?

SON: Toy Story *robot slaps son again*

SON: Ok, it was A Day with a Porn Star.

DAD: WHAT?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was. *Robot slaps dad*

MOM: HAHA!! After all he is your son, *Robot slaps mom*





**

It's a fricken elephant!
A little boy, just about the age of 3, was playing with his toy elephant and his dad comes up to him and says "What do you have there son?"

The boy responds with, "It's a fricken elephant!"

The dad in shock asks him, "What was that?"

"Dad, it's a fricken elephant!!"

Then the mother comes over and asks the little boy what he said and he responds with the same answer, "It's a fricken elephant!!"

Then the grandfather comes over to the parents and says, "Well he sure does like that AFRICan Elephant I got him."

A father buys a lie detector...
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Little Johnny
Little Johnny's father asked him, (Little Johnny, now aged 10), "Do you
know about the birds and the bees?"

"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa'
speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then
at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're
going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing
left to live for!"

A dad buys a lie detector machine and waits for his son to come home
When the son comes home:

Dad - So you were at school right?

Son - yeah

Lie Detector - BEEP

Son - Okay, okay I was at the cinema with my friends

Lie Detector - BEEP

Son - ....I was having a few beers with my friends

Dad - What??? When I was your age I NEVER touched alcohol

Lie Detector - BEEP

Mom - Hahahaha! Well honey, he IS your son

Lie Detector - BEEP

A man buys a lie detector robot....
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people that lie
Dad: son, where were you today during school hours?
Son: at school.
The robot slaps the son.
Son: ok! I watched a DVD at my friends house.
Dad: which one?
Son: Kung fu panda
The robot slaps the son again
Son: Ok! It was a porno
Dad: WHAT?!? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!
The robot slaps the dad
Mom: hahahaha! After all he's your son
The robot slaps the mom....

Robot Slapper
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.



**DAD:** Son, where were you today during school hours?

**SON:** At school **Robot slaps son*

**SON:** OK, I went to the movies.

**DAD:** Which one?

**SON:** Toy Story **Robot slaps son again*

**SON:** OK, it was Day with a Porn Star

**DAD:** WHAT? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was! **Robot slaps dad*

**MOM:** HAHA! After all he's your son. **Robot slaps mom*

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.
Dad: Son, why were you up so late last night?

Son: I wasn't! The robot slaps the son.

Son: Okay I was watching a kung-fu movie! The robot slaps his son again.

Son: Okay, fine, I was watching a porno!

Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies! The robot slaps the dad.

Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son. The robot slaps the mom.

My dad told me... "When i was your age, i had to walk 13 miles to school"...
So i said... "Is that why you didn't graduate?"

Lie detector robot
So a Dad builds a lie detecting robot that slaps anyone when they lie. He's been suspicious of what his son has been up to lately.

So they are sitting at the dinner table, the mum, the dad, the son, and the robot.
The dad asks his son "So where were you last night?"
The son replies "I was at the library"
*the robot slaps the son*
Son: "Fine, I was at Geoff's house"
Dad: "And what were you two doing?"
Son: "studying of course"
*robot slaps the son*
Son: "ok we were watching movies"
*robot slaps the son again*
Son: "Fine! we were watching porn ok?"
Dad: "I'm disappointed in you, when I was your age we didn't even know what porn was."
*the robot slaps the dad*
Embarrassed the Dad says "Well I certainly wasn't watching it!"
*the robot slaps the dad again*
The Mum starts chuckling at the end of the table and says "He's definitely your son"
*And the robot slaps the Mum"

So a dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps someone when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says, "At school." The robot slaps the son! "OK, I watched a DVD at my friend's house!" "What DVD?" the dad asked. "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son again! "OK, it was a porno." cries the son. "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. The robot slaps the dad! Mom laughs "Hahaha! He's certainly your son." The robot slaps the mom.

a lie detecting robot....
A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "son, where were you today?" the son says "at school dad". Robot slaps the son. "Okay, i watched a dvd at my friends house". "what dvd"? "Toy story". Robot slaps the son again!. "Okay, it was a porno" cries the son. Dad yells "What! when i was your age, i didn't know what porn was". Robot then slaps the dad. Mom laughs "Hahaha, he's certainly your son". Robot then slaps the mom.

Son: For $20, I'll be good.
Dad: Oh, yeah? When I was your age, I was good for nothing.

Dad joke? Dad joke.
My father, who is still pretty spry at the age of 73, has been single for about 20 years.
On a recent trip to the doctors office he requested a half-dose prescription of Viagra.
The doctor asked him, "Why only a half-dose, Jack? I wasn't aware you were seeing anyone."
He replied, "Oh, it's nothing like that, Doc. I only need to get it up far enough to pee out of the boat when I'm fishing."

A lie-detector robot
A man buys a lie-detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner

DAD: Son, where were you today during school hours?

SON: At school *Robot slaps son*

SON: Ok, I went to the movies

DAD: Which one?

SON: Toy story *Robot slaps son again*

SON: Ok, ok...damn it! It was Day with a Porn Star!

DAD: What?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was! *Robot slaps Dad*

MOM: Haha...what a liar. Don't be upset anymore honey. After all, he's still your son. *Robot slaps Mom*

May I take your order
A divorced father takes his 2 boys, age 5 and 8 to a restaurant to get lunch one day. The waitress comes to take their order, and starts with the 5 year old. When she asks the 5 year old what he'll have, he says "I'll have a goddamn cheeseburger"
When the dad hears that, he reaches across the table and smacks the boy so hard he falls off his seat, onto the ground and starts crying. The waitress is shocked and doesn't know what to do, so she just turns her attention to the 8 year old, and asks what he'll be having. The 8 year old replies " you can bet your sweet fuckin ass I ain't gettin no goddamn cheeseburger!"

Little Johnny getting Married!
Little Johnny (age 9) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.

His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Little Johnny him, "How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?"

He replies, "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do ok."

His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?"

Little Johnny answers, "Well, so far, we've been lucky..."

So a kid heard his mom swear
So a kid heard his mom yell "FUCK" he asks "what does "fuck" mean?"
so his mom not wanting to teach her kid a bad word she says "it means cutting"
the kid goes upstairs and sees his dad in the bathroom, his dad yells "SHIT"
the kid asks "dad what does shit mean?"
his dad also not wanting him to learn a bad word at his young age replied "it means shaving" then the bell door rings, kid runs to the door and opens it to greet the people that were coming over "hello, mom's fucking the chicken and dad is shitting in the bathroom"

Boy should start having sex.
Son, a boy your age should start having sex. I want you to give it a try. Find someone at school and just go for it.

The next day:
Dad, dad, I fucked my teacher!
That's great son, but can you do it again?

Sure I can. And he does, again and again.
This goes on for the entire week.

On Friday Dad comes home with a gift. Son, I'm so proud of you that I bought you a new bike. Let's go for a ride.
I can't dad, my butt's too sore.

A Lie Detector Robot
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says , "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

Dad bought a lie-detector to test his son.
"Son sit down... we have to talk, i have a lie detector here"
"Did you go to school today, son?"

"uh, yes" the son replied...
-BEEP- -BEEP-
"uh, no i watched a movie" he said quickly.

"right, what movie?" Asked the Dad

"Just some comedy"
-Beep- -Beep-
"Okay, it was, you know, a different movie, you know what i am talking about"

"No, I don't know" Said the dad.
-Beep- -Beep-

"Like you never watched those things when you were my age dad"

"No, i never watched it" The dad said blushing.
-Beep- -Beep-

"Well well well, like father like son, isn't it" Said the mother laughing.
-Beep- -Beep-

An old arab in the USA want's to plant potatoes,...
... but being the old age that he is, he cannot. He is sad, so he writes an e-mail to his son, whose studying in London.
"Hello, Ahmad, I'm sad. I'd want to plant potatoes, but I'm old and weak"
The son replies soon:
"DAD, DO NOT DIG IN THE GARDEN!! YOU'LL FIND THE THING!!!"

A week passes, and FBI agents arrive at his house. They dig through every centimetre in the garden, but they found nothing. They leave. The old arab wants to write his son about what happened,when he finds an e-mail from him.

"Hello father, your garden is probably prepared for potatoes. That's all I can do from here. Bye, Ahmad."

E: sorry for spelling, english is my 2nd language

A child is going through his mother's purse and takes out her driver's license...
his mother catches him reading it and mildly scolds him

the kid says "but i learned so much about you from it"

she says "well, ok, what did you learn about me"

"well, says the kid... "i know your age now"

"and what is that?" says his mother

"you're old" says the kid

"and i learned your height"

"which is?' says the mother

"you're really tall" he says

"well, yes, i am tall for a woman"

"and, i learned your weight" he says

"and what is that?" asks the mother

"a lot for a woman your height" the kids says

the mother sighs and says "well, that's not nice, but i can't argue that"

"and" the kid says "i know why dad divorced you"

"Huh? what?" says the mother, "how on earth did you get that from a drivers license"

"because, you got an F in sex"

I know why dad left you!
Little Johnny goes to his mom and asks "how old are you mom?"

His mother says "a lady never reveals her age"

The next day at school, Little Johnny tells his friend Jimmy about this and he says "if you find your mom's drivers license, it will tell you everything about her." When he gets home, he sneaks into his mom's purse and finds her driver's license.

That evening, he goes to his mother and says "mom, I know that you're 33 years old, and that your height is 5'3""

"How do you know?" she replies

"Because I found your driver's license and it has all your information! It also know why dad left you. It's because you got an F in sex"

A man brought home a lie detector.
He told his family: "This robot will slap anyone that tells a lie."

 

During dinner,

Dad: "How was school, son?"

Son: "It was nice, we had to write an essay."

The robot slapped the son.

 

Son: "Ok, I skipped school to go to a friend's house."

The robot slapped the son again.

 

Son: "Fine! I went to a whorehouse!"

The robot did not do anything, but the dad was shocked.

Dad: "How could you? When I was your age I didn't even know what was a whorehouse!"

The robot slapped the dad.

 

The mum, who was angry at first, couldn't help but laugh and said, "Well, he is your son after all!"

Then the robot slapped the mum.

 

Got this one in a forward from my dad - I did not see that one coming.
 

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD..

WELL .. . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS MARY , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.


COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.


THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.


AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.


WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.


HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'


YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.


THEN, THAT UGLY,



OLD,



BALDING,



WRINKLED FACED,



FAT-ASSED,



GRAY-HAIRED,



DECREPIT



SON-OF-A-BITCH



ASKED

"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?

Lie Robot
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

My dad recently passed away and loved dirty jokes. I need some new ones to cheer me and my family up.
Last week, my dad unexpectedly passed away at the age of 56. One of the many things my family loved about him was his tendency to tell dirty jokes at the most inappropriate times. Does anybody have any good ones? Hearing some new dirty jokes would really help cheer me and my family up.

My dad had a strict rule where I couldn't go on dates if my age was on the clock...
I can't wait to be 61.

Lie Detector
A man bought a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decided to test it at dinner:

Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?

Son: At school

*(robot slaps the son and he immediately changes his mind)*

Okay, okay, I went to the movies!

Dad: Which one?

Son: Harry Potter

*(robot slaps the son again!)*

Okay! Alright, I was watching porno.

Dad: What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porno was!

*(robot slaps dad)*

Mom: Ha ha ha ha ha! This sure proves he's your Son!

*(robot reaches out and slaps Mom)*

Dad: When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked miles to school, uphill, in the snow, every day.
Son: Yeah?! Well when Abraham Lincoln was your age, Dad, he was president!

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

Jokes for six year old
Hey guys. Was hoping all you hilarious people at jokes could help a dad out.

I recently started working out of town for long stretches and I just want to be able to tell my six year old son some funny jokes for his age.

I've looked some up but after the 4th website I realized they are mostly unoriginal and not that funny. Anyways, you guys got anything to make the little man laugh when I call him?

Boy discovers where babies come from
Boy that lives in the country is coming of age and starting to discover himself. He goes out in the woods and is touching himself when suddenly something shoots out of his penis and lands on a rock.

Concerned that something is wrong with him he runs back home to tell his dad what happened. His dad chuckles a bit and explains to his son nothing is wrong that's just where babies come from.

Relieved the boy walks back to the woods and sees a toad perched on the rock. He kneels down close to the toad and says "You sure are an ugly son of a bitch, but daddy still loves you"

A man buys a lie detecting robot.
A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people that lie and decides to try it out at dinner

Man: son, where were you today?
Son: at school.
The robot slaps him.

Son: OKAY, I watched a dvd at my mates.
Man: which one?
Son: Kung fu panda 2.
The robot slaps him.

Son: OK! It was a porno.
Dad: What?! When I was your age I didnt even know what porn was.
The robot slaps him.

Mother: hahahaha, after all he is your son.
The robot slaps the mom.

A lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie...
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.


Dad: Son, where were you at school hours?
Son: At school. The robot slaps the son.
Son: Okay I was watching KungFu Panda! The robot slaps his son again.
Son: Okay I was watching violent movies!
Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies! The robot slaps the dad.
Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son. The robot slaps the mom...

After months of deliberation a Surgeon decides to put his elderly father into an old age home.
after a week he goes for a visit. He reviews his fathers chart at the end of his bed and sees that among the medications he is taking Viagra is one. The Surgeon approaches his fathers nurse and asks if his dad has met someone.
The nurse says no, we give him Viagra so he doesn't roll out of bed.

Mom's unintentional dirty joke
One night my brother and I were talking to my mom about how my brothers dog is always on the couch.

Mom: "You need to teach your dog to stay off the furniture when you're here with her, your dad will agree."

Brother: "Dad was the first one to let her get on the couch."

Me: "Wow dad is getting soft in his old age."

Mom: "Oh whatever your father is always soft when you boys aren't around."


Layers of unintentional dirtyness

A 5 year old black boy walks up to a 5 year old white boy and says, "My daddy's goy a car.

When he honks the horn it goes 'honkey honkey'".
Little white boy says, "shit, my daddys got a chain saw when he starts it up it goes 'run nigga nigga run'".

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.

We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

It sucks when your dad is also your boss.
I tried asking for a raise yesterday, but my dad responded,

"you're a little bit too heavy for me to carry now at this age don't you think?"

Man: "How old is your father?"
Boy: "As old as me.

"
Man: "How can that be?"
Boy: "He became a father only when I was born."

Mom, I'm sleeping wit the neighbour
-That's unacceptable young lady! He could be your Dad!

-But Mom, you don't understand. Age doesn't matter for true love!

-I didn't say anything about age ...

Son: "Daddy; why some of your hairs have turned white?"
Father: "Every lie told by you makes one of my hairs white."
Son: "Oh now I understood why all grandfathers' hairs are white."

My kid and I were in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinal to his right, my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims, "Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot bigger than yours!"
The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me.
So I put my hand around my kid and told him
"Well son, that's because daddy isn't aroused by men."

The flour's dad left at a young age
It had to raise itself.

"I just had sexed in school today, dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my 16th biurthday, my boyfriend will die."
"Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will."

Lie Detector Test
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.

Dad: Son, where were you at school hours?

Son: At school. The robot slaps the son.

Son: Okay I was watching Star Wars! The robot slaps his son again.

Son: Fine, I was watching violent movies!

Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies! The robot slaps the dad.

Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son. The robot slaps the mom.

While my six-year-old daughter of the space age and I were reviewing some old photographs, we came across a picture of me when I was a captain in the Army Reserves.
“Daddy, were you in a war?”
“Yes,” I fibbed, just to see what her reaction would be.
Wide-eyed, she gasped, “Against what planet?”

A son and the dad are walking around on the streets.

The dad stops the son and says, "Son, if you don't stop masturbating, you are going to go blind."
The son says, "Dad! I'm over here!"

One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.
"I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver.
"No way! Get lost!" replied the boy.
"How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked.
"I said no way," replied the boy.
"What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver.
"No, I’m not getting in the car," answered the boy.
"Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the driver offered.
"No!" replied the boy.
"What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver.
The boy replied: "Listen, Dad: You bought the Volvo-you live with it!"

4-year-old: Why are you my dad?
Me: Because I made you.

4: How?
Me: ...
4: O.o
Me: ...
4: O.O
Me: With Legos.

Dad was telling off his sons, Bronto and Tyranno..
"When I was your age I acted up and I got a sore ass."

Son: When I grow up I want to be big and strong. I wish I could be half of Arnold!
Dad: When you're my age, you will be half of Arnold: old

A Computer Engineer was asked by his five-year-old son:
"Dad, what is Windows 95?"
"Well, it’s 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition."

Daddy's be like
Dad: whats your blood group?


Son: B+


Dad: when i was at your age, my blood group was A+

A little kid asks his dad for a Bitcoin as a birthday present
The father says -
what?! $15457??!
$12154 is a lot of money for a kid your age!
why the hell do you need $14245?

Despite the massive age difference, my dad was surprisingly relieved to hear I was dating Dane Cook.
He said at least he won't try anything funny.

Me: Did you hear laurel or yanny?
Dad: When I was your age, I had two children.

This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes Dad, what is it?"
"Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…"

My dad texted me why i never listened to him...
Which is odd because I went deaf at age 12

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

A small boy asks his Dad, "Dad, what are politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."

A family is having dinner at the table one evening, when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering...
"Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions."

The son is confused and asks, "Onions?"

The father replies, "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

The wife and daughter are really annoyed by what their father has said, so the daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?"

The mother smiles and says, "Well honey, a man also goes through three phases in life too. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty, strong and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it becomes more like a birch, flexible but reliable. But after 50, it's like a Christmas tree."

The daughter laughs and asks, "A Christmas tree?"

The mother replies, "Yes, dear. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

A teacher asks her students to use the word fascinate in a sentence.
First she calls on Sussy. "My dad and I went to the movies and we were fascinated!" Sussy says.
"Well that's pretty good, but I wanted you to use fascinate not fascinated."

So she calls on Mary next. "My family went to the zoo, and it was fascinating!" Mary says.
"That's not bad either, but I'd really like someone to use fascinate."

Little Johnny had his hand waving the whole time, and the teacher knew he's usually naughty but how could he mess up the word fascinate, so she called on him.
"My Aunt Jenny always wears a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten 8!"

The phone bill was exceptionally high. The man of the house called a family meeting to discuss.
The phone bill was exceptionally high. The man of the house called a family meeting to discuss.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone. I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too, I hardly use the home phone. I use my company's phone.

Son: I use the cell phone given to me by my office. I never use the home phone.

All of them shocked and together look at the maid who is patiently listening to them.

Maid: What? so we all use our work phones. What's the big deal??

Mike Pence is at the dinner table with his family...
His son, who has been very quiet, tells him "Dad, this might come as a shock, but I think I'm gay."

Pence laughs and says "Son, you're getting it all mixed up! I'm not the one getting shocked!"

[NSFW] Dad, I am a lesbian
1st Daughter:"Dad, I am a lesbian"
Dad; "Oh okay!"
2nd Daughter: "I'm a lesbian too..."
Dad: "Jesus Christ, does any one in this family love dicks?"
Son: "I do."

A father tucks his son in
A father goes upstairs to tuck his son into bed. As he reaches his son's door, he hears his son praying "Dear God please look after mum, dad, grandma and byebye grandad. The father thought the prayer was a little strange but nothing more. The next morning the family gets a phonecall that grandad had dies of a heartattack. The father remember his sons pray and was a little worried but he shrugged it off. A couple of weeks and the father goes to tuck his son in, sure enough he hears his son praying " Please God look after mum, dad and byebye grandma. The next morning the family gets a phonecall that grandma had of a stroke. The father is worried about this but still shrugs it off. A couple more weeks pass and the father goes to tuck his son in. He hears his son praying "Dear God please look after mum, byebye daddy. Now the father freaks out about his, he doesnt sleep at all that night and when he goes to work he cant do anything becaise of his worrying. Whem he gets home he says to his wife "you wouldnt know how much of a i've had a terrible day i had today". Too which his wife replies "you think you had a bad day? I found the bloody postman dead on our doorstep!!"

The Three Types of Breasts as told from father to son
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" the son asks. "Yes. You see them and they make you cry." This infuriates his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?" The mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks. "Yes: Dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration.

Boobs vs willies
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions. Onions? the son asks. Yes. You see them and they make you cry. This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there? The mother smiles and says, Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree. A Christmas tree? the daughter asks. Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.

This one is best said out loud.
A young boy wakes up on his birthday and heads downstairs. His family is poor, so his dad can only give him a duck and send him to town to trade for a gift.

Along the way, he runs into a prostitute who is heading home after a quiet night. The prostitute says "Hey kid, how'd you like to have some fun?"

The kid only has the duck to trade, but the prostitute agrees. Afterward, the prostitute is so impressed by the kid that she wants to have sex again. He doesn't really want to, so she offers him the duck to do it again and he agrees.

As the kid is walking back home with his duck, a truck comes flying around the corner and just misses him, but completely squashes the duck.

The truck driver jumps out of the cab and says, "Oh no, kid, I'm so sorry! Let me pay for the duck. Here's $24. It's all I have."

The kid shrugs and takes the money and heads home where his Dad greets him at the door. "So, did you have a fun birthday?"

"Sure did, Dad. I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 24 bucks for a fucked-up duck."

Classic dad joke, but in bad taste
So we were having a family dinner for the first time in a while.
My mum was saying how terrible the situation in Nepal is, when my Dad says "it's nepalling isn't it?"
I had a good laugh, feeling guilty after :(

A family goes to a nude beach....
A family goes to a nude beach and their young son is curious about a few things. He come running back to his parents shouting, "Dad! Dad! There's all these women around with these things on their chest, some are big and some are small!" His dad replies, "Yes son. They're called breasts, the women with the small ones are smart and the women with the big ones are dumb!" So the kid goes off for a bit and then comes running back yelling out, "Mum! Mum! There's men all around with these things dangling between their legs, some are big and some are small!" His mum replies, "Yes son, the men with the small ones are smart and the men with the big ones are dumb!" Satisfied with the answer, he runs off to play again. He returns a few minutes later screaming out, "Mum! Muuuuuum! Dad's talking to a really dumb lady and he's getting dumber and dumber!"

My dad just won the nonexistent Grammy joke competition.
We're watching the Grammys as a family when the Sam Hunt and Carrie Underwood performance came up. We watched it in silence and then talked about the performance once it finished. My mother thought Sam Hunt looked similar to someone and thus the joke begins:

Mom: "Hmm. That guy looks like someone else. Does he have any family?"

Dad: (gives a thoughtful look before replying) "Yeah he looks really familiar... Oh! His brother is Mike!"

Mom: "Mike Hunt?..."

(My dad breaks out into the biggest grin on record and we both start laughing our asses off)

Mom: "Oh **dammit.**"

Onions and Christmas Trees
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s , they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

So my Dad walked in on me making out with my girlfriend
I was naturally very embarrased, as I didn't want my parents to know I had a girlfriend and make a big deal about it. But my Dad said to me, "Don't worry son, I won't tell your mother, this will be our little secret".

The next day I'm eating breakfast with my family. My Mom says to me, "Son, where did that hickey on your neck come from?". In response I say, "This is me and Dad's little secret".

Afterwards, everyone at the table got really quiet.

Family is driving... (don't know how old this but I laughed)
A family is driving along the highway when all of a sudden someone throws a dildo out of their window.

The dildo lands with a bang on the families windshield and everyone gets a big fright. With horror in their eyes the parents stare at each other and the father turns on the wipers, but it's too late and their son asks "Dad, what was that?".

He thinks on his feet and answer "It was just a big insect, son", thinking that they would avoid an awkward conversation.

The son, still puzzled answers "Damn... DID YOU SEE THE SIZE OF IT'S DICK!?"

2 original jokes
Here's 2 (bad) jokes I made up a few years ago. With all the reposts on here some new ones might be nice even if they are bad!

1. What do you call a long snake-like poo? A Poothon

2. A family of poothons were floating down a river.

The son poothon asks his mother "dad told me that we're just a by-product of the human digestive system, is that true?"

The mother replies "don't listen to him, he's just talking shit!"

A happy family.
Son: Dad, I like this awesome girl and want to date her.

Dad: Who is she?

Son: Our next door neighbor's daughter, Sandra.

Dad: Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that son. I have to tell you something but promise me that you will not tell your mom. Sandra is actually your sister.


The boy is obviously bummed out. He finds another girl, but dad tells him that is his sister too. This happens a few more time and he gets frustrated. So he decides to tell his mom.


Son: Mom, I am so mad at dad. I fell in love with 4 girls but can't date any of them because dad is their father.

His mom hugs him affectionately and says,

Mom: Son, you can date anybody you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father.

Dad and son at the Doctor
A man and his son are at a doctor appointment.

Their longtime family doctor enters and says "What seems to be the problem," and the dad answers "This is pretty embarrassing Doc but we hired a new Brazilian maid and turns out my son has been messing around with her... and I think he's got herpes."

The doctor says "Don't worry Sir I'll write your son a prescription and he'll be alright. Is there anything else you need?" The dad replies "Well there is something else... I've also been messing with the maid and I think I have it too"

"Don't worry I'll write you and your son a prescription and you can pick them both up today. Anything else?"

"Well Doc, last night I had sex with my wife and now I think she has it..."


"Damn it, now we've all got it!"

My dad just called a family meeting.
Me, mum, my two brothers, my sister and grandma hurried into the living room and gathered round an IKEA box laying on the floor.

"Dad, it's some flat pack furniture, what do you need the whole family for?" I asked.

"Well, it must be these strange Swedish customs", he replies, "It says assembly required".

- Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality?
One day during the family lunch the youngest son Paul asks his father:
- Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality?

Daddy turns to his wife and gives her a question:
- Would you sleep with George Clooney for 1 million $?
- Certainly, I would never waste such opportunity, - tells the wife

Daddy turns to his teenage daughter:
- Maria, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million $?
- Surely! He is my fantasy, his posters are all over the walls of my room.

Daddy turns to his eldest son Raul and asks:
- Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million $!
Eldest son thinks a little and replies:
- Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money. So yes, I would sleep.

Then daddy turns back to his youngest son Paul and explains him:
- You see, Paul, potentially we are sitting with multi millionaires but in reality we are sitting with two prostitutes and one gay…

When I was a kid, my family was very poor. My dad had to get a second job in the sandpaper factory.
Those were rough times.

^(Made that myself. I'm rather proud.)

Little Johnny....back for more.
Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said: "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, 'Why, Thank you Johnny." Johnny said: "He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?" "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision." "That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses!"

Son, marry a girl with the same belief as the family.
Dad, why should I marry a girl who thinks I'm a schmuck?

Family xmas problem solved
An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

My girlfriends family is quite religious.
I remember the first time i went to stay with her at parents house and her dad wouldn't let us sleep together, which is a shame really because he's very attractive.

Mom, dad, daughter and the dildo
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughters innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her daughter replies, " I am surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

When I was a kid...
... our family was very poor. I remember when my dad was cutting onion and our whole family was crying. Poor onion. He was such a good dog.

How's it hanging
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?


The father, surprised, answers, Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20's, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's and 40's, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions. Onions? the son asks. Yes. You see them and they make you cry.


This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?


The mother smiles and says, Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it's like a Christmas tree. A Christmas tree? the daughter asks. Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.

Theory and practice
A family is eating dinner: mom, dad, little Johnny, his sister and his grandpa are all sitting at the table. At some point little Johnny asks his father:
- Dad, what's the difference between theory and practice?
- I'll show you.
He turns to his wife and asks:
- Would you suck a stranger's dick for $10,000?
- Well, the bathroom needs a renovation and we're behind on our mortgage payments and even then there would still be enough left for a nice vacation... I mean it's just one blowjob, right?
Then he asks his daughter the same question
- That's a lot of cash, so yeah, I guess.
- How about you grandpa?
- When I was a lad, I worked 12 hours in a coal mine for a loaf of bread and a place to sleep, what's one blowjob for that kind of money...
The father turns to his son
-See, Johnny, in theory we have $30,000, but in practice, just two whores and a faggot under our roof.

When does a joke become a dad joke?
After the delivery


(Pls....just let me go and don't hurt my family)

A family is sitting around the dinner table (dirty joke)
The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"

The father, understandably surprised, answers, "Well son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a women's breasts are like melons: round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears: still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

The daughter glares at her father and then asks, "Mom how many kinds of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and replies, "Well dear, a man goes through 3 phases. In a man's 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s to 40s it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?" asks the daughter.

"Yes," said the mother. "Dead from root to tip and the balls are just for decoration."

A plane just landed...
Little Kid: "Were almost home now they just have to park the plane."

His Dad: "Better hope they dont forget to put the parking brake on so we dont go back up."

I heard this on my plane ride and the Dad's family looked like they wanted to spit on him for his magnificent Dad joke.

A man installs a lie detector app on his smartphone and shows it off to his family at the dinner table.
Then as they begin eating he asks his son, "So, what have you been doing this afternoon?"

"Just working on my research paper, Dad..."

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.*

"Okay, I was on the Internet, looking at pictures of kittens and stuff..."

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.*

"All right, I was looking at PORN, okay?"

The father shouts, "OKAY?!? Young man, when I was your age, I didn't know what 'porn' *was*!"

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.*

The mother laughs and shakes her head. "Well, he's certainly your son..."

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.*

My father suffers from short term memory loss
I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it.

So a Jewish family has a baby!
It's a beautiful baby boy, and they love him very much. The dad wants to know, however, what the little boy will grow up to be like. So he takes the baby to the Rabbi, who says that there's a simple test. On a long table, the Rabbi places a stack of money, a bottle of whiskey, and a Torah. "If your son crawls to the money, he'll have a good job as a banker, and take care of you and your wife until you're dead and gone. If he goes for the whiskey, he's no good, a drunk, might as well drop him at the orphanage on the way home for all the good he'll do you. Finally, if he picks up the Torah, he'll be a Rabbi like me. A good, honest, man of God."

So the father puts the baby on the table, and the baby picks up the money. "YAY!" they cheer, as the baby starts crawling again. Now, the Rabbi looks worried. The baby now picks up the bottle of whiskey with its other hand. "Oh no" says the Rabbi. They then watch as the baby crawls again, and also picks up the Torah. "NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!" the Rabbi cries. "WHAT IS IT??? What's wrong with my son?!?!" the father panicks.

"I'm so so sorry, but your son is going to be the worst thing of all!" says the Rabbi. "Your son is going to be a Catholic!"


[

An old man lays dying in his bed with all his close family gathered around him...
Dying man: My son... Are you here?

Son: Yes dad, I'm right here with you, our whole family is.

Dying man: Daughter, are you here too?

Daughter: Yes dad, I'm here with your grandchildren, we're all with you.

Dying man: What about my wife and brothers?

Wife and brothers: Us too, everyone is here with you.

Dying man: Then why is the fucking light still on in the living room?

Family dinner
A man shoots a few bunnies and he decides to cook them for the family dinner that weekend. However, the kids really like cute little bunnies, so he can't say what they're eating.

During dinner, his son asks:

"Dad, what meat is this?"

The man smiles at his wife and answers:

"Take a guess! Your mum calls me that sometimes..."

At these words, his daughter spits out the food and screams at her brother:

"Don't eat it, it's a dick!"

Little Johnny at the Farm
Little Johnny lives on a farm with his family. One evening the family notices that one of the donkeys had manage to get out of the stables.

Johnny's dad tries to lead the donkey back into the stables but the stubborn animal will not budge. Johnny's mom tries to coax the donkey with carrots and hay, but the donkey just ignores the food.

Seeing his parents becoming increasingly agitated at the stubborn animal, Johnny offers to try and get the donkey back into the stables. He quickly fetches a pail of water from the trough and proceeds to dump it over the donkey's head. Both of his parents stare in awe as the donkey calmly saunters back into the stables and gently closes the door behind itself.

Still in disbelief at what he just saw, Johnny's father asks Johnny, Son, how did you know to do that?

Johnny replies, I was walking past y'alls bedroom last night when I overheard ma telling you, 'If you wet the head first, it'll go right in.'

A Native American Boy Walks into His Family Tipi
The boy looks at his father as he has grown curious in life lately and asks him,

"Dad, why is your name rising sun?"

The boys father looks at him and says,

"Well son, when i was born your grandparents went outside with me and that's the first thing they saw, the rising sun."

The boy seemed satisfied with the response for a moment then again questioned the father.

"Dad, why is grandpa named waxing moon?"

The boy's father looks at him and says,

"Well son, when your grandfather was born his parents took him outside and that's the first thing they saw, a waxing moon. Now tell me, two-dogs-fucking, why have you become so curious?

Three Kinds
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" asks the boy. "Yes," said the father, "you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but still reliable. After his fifties, it is like an old Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.

3 Stages of boobs
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions. Onions? the son asks. Yes. You see them and they make you cry. This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there? The mother smiles and says, Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree. A Christmas tree? the daughter asks. Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.

My wife's 82 year old grandmother told this joke today at our family dinner
A grandfather and grandmother were visiting their son and family for a night. The father asked the son if he could have one if his viagra. The son said yes but that he needed to leave $10 in the cabinet.

The next morning the son found $110 cash next to the bottle. He went to his father and said "Dad it was only $10, you made a mistake."

The grandfather responded "The $10 is from me and the $100 is from your mother."

Jimmy's First Cow
One fine morning on the family farm, Jimmy excitedly ran into the house with a glass of milk. He can't wait to show his father so he runs into the living room.

He shouts "Hey dad! I just milked my first cow!" while proudly holding up the glass of milk and then chugging the entire thing.

His dad stares at him horrified and says "But son... we don't have a cow, we have a bull"

A nervous young man arrives for the first time at the house of his new girlfriend...
A nervous young man arrives for the first time at the house of his new girlfriend, and is greeted at the door by her father and Baron, the family dog. The young man is invited to sit in the living room to visit with the dad while his date is getting ready upstairs, and Baron wags his tail and sits companionably next to the young man.

The two men chat for a few minutes, and as time goes by, the young man begins to feel more and more uncomfortable- a huge fart is welling up in the recesses of his abdomen. He tries valiantly to suppress it, but finally decides that he can probably safely release it into the cushioned seat, and does.

"Baron!" the dad exclaims.

The relieved young man thinks to himself, "Oh, good. He thinks it's the dog."

They chat on for a minute or two longer, and the young man feels the urge to fart another time, and silently fills the room a second time with a noxious cloud.

The dad again speaks sharply to the dog, "Baron!"

The young man, emboldened by his prior successful gaseous emissions, does so yet again.

"Baron!' the dad shouts loudly this time, "Get away from that man before he shits all over you!"

Family conversation.
Dad: Say, daddy!

Baby: Mommy!

Dad: Come on, say, daddy!

Baby: Mommy!

Dad: Fuck you, say, daddy!

Baby: Fuck you, Mommy!

Mom: Honey, I'm home!

Baby: Fuck you!

Mom: Who taught you that?

Baby: Daddy!

Dad: Son of a bitch.

Long joke.
A son asks his dad "what is the difference between fantasy and reality?" His dad said,"go ask the family if they would fuck Leonardo DiCaprio for a million dollars." So he did. He asked his mom and she said "Yeah! It's a million dollars." He asked his sister and she said "Yeah, he's cute." He asked his brother and he said "Yeah, who wouldn't?" After telling his father this, the father said "well, in the fantasy world, we would have $3 million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer. "

How little stefan got a brand new watch..
Little Stefan comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch. His best friend, little Jenny, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tell his story," I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent's bedroom.

I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn't tell the family. I asked for a new watch and here it is."

Jenny decides she wants one too, so night after night she listens outside her parents' bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually she hears some banging and groaning from the other side of the door.

She walks in and catches her parents in the act, so her dad offers her anything she wants to keep quiet about the whole affair. Jenny immediately says, "I want a watch."
The dad sighs and says, "Alright, but go and stand in the corner and don't make any noise . "

So there's this incest family...
and the daughter wants to take the car out for the evening. She asks her father for permission and he says "Sure honey, but you have to suck my dick before you can take it." This being a normal custom she says "Okay" and starts the process. As she's doing the dirty deed she complains to her dad that his dick tastes like shit, to which her dad replies, "That's right, I forgot your brother has the car tonight."

My girlfriend's family are quite strict. I remember the first time I went to stay with her at her parent's house, and her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.
Which is a shame, because he's very attractive.

What is Politics?
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese.
And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

An Amish family visits a mall...
...the mother strolls along an aisle and experience modern life. The dad and the son, however, encounters an elevator.
"What is that, father?", the son asked.
"I don't know either, my son", replied the father, "Let's see what they use it for".
They then see an ugly, fat woman trudge into the elevator. The door shuts, and after a few minutes, a pretty lady walks out alone.
The father then said: "Go get your mother".

A family of four check into a hotel
The dad asks the manager, "we have kids with us, is the porn disabled?"

The manager replied, "no you sick fuck we have regular porn"

democracy EL5
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom spends the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of you, the people and your baby brother, the future.

So the little boy goes off to bed and later hears his baby brother crying, He gets up to check on him and finds that he severely soiled his diaper. So the boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked,

He peeps in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words ."What you think politics is all about."

The little boy, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

A son is asked to lead the family in a Christmas prayer at dinner
BOY: But I don't know how to pray

DAD: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.

BOY: "Dear Lord" he started "Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's Blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work.

A rite of passage
Meet James and Sasha, both 23, in a serious relationship and madly in love. James is worried about children, as he knows there is an honourable history of dad jokes in his family, and he is not sure he can live up to these great expectations. One night, whilst doing the deed, the condom breaks. They are both scared but after a couple weeks and no sign of pregnancy, they go back to their normal lives, and James goes back to worrying about parenthood. After returning home from work one night, James finds a tearful Sasha on the front doorstep. He sits next to her to ask what's wrong. 'Honey...' She replies. 'I'm pregnant.' James wipes a tear from his eye, and smiles proudly. 'Hello pregnant. I'm dad.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chau-Chou. But I think it's Colin.

My Dad is a real family man.
He has three of them

I went on vacation with my girlfriends family - her dad is really religious and said we could not sleep together
Which is a shame cuz he's a really attractive man

I thought this was funny.
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions. Onions? the son asks. Yes. You see them and they make you cry. This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there? The mother smiles and says, Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree. A Christmas tree? the daughter asks. Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.

a cannibal family is sitting at the dinner table...
finishing up, when the youngest cannibal comes rushing in, panting, "am i too late?" the dad replies, picking his teeth "yep, everyone's already eaten".

Little Joe was at the farm, when he saw a dead chicken.
It was lying on its back, rigor mortis locking its legs in the air. He asks his dad why the chicken has his legs in the air. Dad, who's not exactly the brightest fellow, tells him that it's so that Jesus can reach down and pull them to heaven.

Later, at the family reunion, Joe runs to his dad crying.

"What's the matter?" Asked dad, concerned.

Little Joey cries "Mum nearly died! She was on her back with her legs in the air screaming 'Jesus I'm coming!' If it wasn't for uncle bruce holding her down she would've been gone forever!"

new family robot
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."The robot slaps the mother.Robot for sale.

nsfw Son: Dad, remember when I killed that butterfly........
At Family Dinner:
Son: Dad, remember when I killed that butterfly and you told me, "no butter for a week?"
Dad: yeah...
Son: and when sis killed that honeybee and you said, "no honey for a week?"
Dad: yeah, that was a month ago. So what?
Son: Mom just killed a cockroach, should I break it to her?

Dad, are we a family of arsonists?
Yes, yes we arson.

Dad finds out that his first daughter is lesbian...
Dad: Oh ok then.
Second daughter: I'm a lesbian too...
Dad: For fuck's sake is there anyone in this family who loves men?
Son: I do...

Explaining how the parliament works.
One day a boy asks his dad how the parliament works. So his dad tells him,
"Well, i am the working man of the family so think of me as capitalism. Your mom is the government, your baby brother is the future and the housekeeper is the working class. Now ponder over what i've told you and tell me what you understand."
That night, the boy's brother shit his diapers, when he goes to call his mom, she doesn't wake up and his dad isn't there. So he goes to the housekeeper's room and finds it locked. He peeps in and sees his dad banging her.
The next morning the boy says to his dad,
"I finally understood how the parliament works. While the government sleeps and the future is in deep shit, capitalism is screwing the working class."

A family walks into a hotel
The dad says to the clerk, "I hope the porn is disabled."
The clerk responds with, "No, it's just normal porn you sicko."

Thanksgiving Dinner
Thanksgiving dinner and all of the family is around.

A little boy wonders upstairs and stumbles upon his dad shaving. His dad slips shaving and cuts himself and exclaims "Shit!"

The little asks "Daddy what does that mean?"
The father replies " Oh, it is just means the shaving cream, that's all. No run along"

He wonders downstairs and stumbles upon his Mom and his Grandpa playing cards. The grandpa loses and yells "You Bitch!"
The little boy inquires "Grandpa what does that mean?" Grandpa replies "It is just a term used for playing cards, now run along."

He wonders into the kitchen and sees his grandma carving the turkey and she slips and cuts her self and shouts "Fuck!" The little boy inquires "Grandma what does that mean?" She replies " It is just an expression for cutting the turkey"

The door bell rings and the little boys answers it and it is his aunt and uncle.

He answers the door and proceeds to tell them what everyone is doing.

"Hi, my dad is upstairs putting shit on his face, my mom is downstairs bitching to my grandpa, and grandma is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

An old man is on his deathbed and calls his whole family into his bedroom so he can make his peace.
After everyone seems to be there, the old man asks, "are you absolutely sure everyone is in here?" no one is in any other part of the house?"

His son says, "Don't worry dad, everyone is here"

The dad says, " Then why is the light on in the kitchen?"

A family walks into a Hotel...
The Dad walks up to the desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The receptionist says "It's regular porn you sick fuck."

Politics, explained.
A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let Me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the Family, so call me The President
Your mother is the Administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, We will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
The Future is in deep shit..

After my dad died in WWII...
My family moved to America. I was still young so I don't remember a lot about it. I ended up going to the University of Maryland-College Park. My first couple of days there were nice and I was getting to know a lot of people. However, I was slowly beginning to realize that the athletes weren't the most popular people on campus. It was actually the brothers of a Jewish fraternity. I began to realize that they gathered every Tuesday to tell stories about their family in WWII. People would show up and listen and every night the brothers of this fraternity had a different woman in bed with them. They were using sympathy to get sex! I thought it was an amazing idea. I started telling people that I was Jewish. I would bring it up whenever I could hoping one of them would here me. One day, they did. A brother overheard a conversation I was having and invited me to join them on the next Tuesday. I was amazed! I showed up and it got started. Everyone was telling stories and it finally came to me. I started, "My dad actually died in a concentration camp". A couple of the guys look at me and ask, "Which camp?" Shit, I think. I don't know any camps. "Auschwitz" I say. "Wow, that place was bad. My Uncle was there." One of the brothers says. A guy looks at me, "How did he die?" It gets really quiet and everyone looks at me. I put my head down and say, "He fell out of the guard tower..."

I just shot my mum, my dad, my sister and my brother.
Then my aunty walked in the door with my cousins and I shot them straight away. My grandma and grandad came in, I let them have a cup of tea before I shot them too. Tomorrow I've got to shoot my wife's whole fucking family!

It's hard work being the family photographer.

Born without ears
Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby, but the baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the new parents invited Little Johnny's family over to see the new baby.
Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. "I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.
At the neighbors home Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He then said, "Did the doctor say he can see good?" The mother said a bit bewildered, "Yes..., why do you ask?" Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing, 'cause if he needs glasses he's screwed!

A father and his 11 year old son are walking through the pharmacy one day.
As they walk past the family planning aisle, the son points to the condoms and asks "Dad, what are those?"

The father realizes his son is old enough to learn about such things, so he tells him "Well, those are called condoms. Men use them when they have sex to be safe and not get girls pregnant."

"Okay." the son responds. "Who are those for?" he asks while pointing at the 3 pack.

"Those" the father replies, "are for men in high school: One for Friday night, one for Saturday night, and one for Sunday night"

"What about those?" the son asks pointing to the 6 pack.

"Those are for college aged men: Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday?" the father responds.

"And what about those?" the son asks pointing to the 12 pack.

With an air of confidence, the father looks up and says "Those, son, are for married men: One for January, one for February, one for March..."

A father cooks his family venison for dinner, he doesn't tell the kids what the meat is and asks them to guess..
The dad says:
"I'll give you a clue, it's what your mother calls me."

His son yells:
"Don't eat it, it's a fucking dick!"

"Mom, where did people come from?"
"God created us"

"But Dad said we came from monkeys"

"Dad told you about his side of the family. I am telling you about mine"

Eat Your Broccoli
Little Johnny is having dinner with his family. He's eating everything except broccoli. His dad notices it and says, "Johnny, if you eat your broccoli, your pee-pee will grow big." Suddenly, Mom turns around and gives Dad a big slap.

Dad: What was that for?

Mom: For not eating your broccoli.

A mother and son were washing dishes while...
...the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room.

Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence.

The girl looked at her dad and said, "It was Mom."

"How do you know?"

"She didn't say anything."

Funny Fart Jokes (family friendly)...
A boy comes home proudly announces to his parents "Mom, dad, the teacher asked the class a question today and I was the only one who knew the right answer!"

The parents are very happy and ask, "That's amazing Lenny! And what was the question?"

Sticking out his chest, the boys says, "Who farted?"

An old Jewish man is dying at home in bed.
His entire family is gathered around him.

Sarah, the man calls for his wife...

Im here dear.

And the kids?

We are all here too dad.

And the grandchildren?

We are all here.

Well, if you are all here then why is the light in the kitchen turned on?

A stormtrooper sits down to have dinner with his family...
His son asks him "dad what is this we are eating?"
The stromtrooper replies "Baby wookie steaks. How is it?"
His sons says "It's a little chewy."

PTA Meeting
Three fathers are waiting around at a PTA meeting. They are mulling over life, family and education over by the coffee and the doughnuts until the first dad says, 'I recently taught my son Ben about Taxes. Gee, I wish I hadn't though. Every time I ask him to get me a beer now, he cracks open a tinny and downs half. He then proceeds to say, "There's your beer tax Daddy!"'

The second father laughs. 'Yeah, that sounds like when I taught my Daughters Rose and Violet about Unions. They've been on strike ever since, refusing to do dishes and laundry until they get better pay and more candy!' He chuckles again, retreating into his mug of Coffee.

He looks up again and asks the third man what he's done around the home to help his Daughter. He replied, 'Well, I'm starting to regret teaching Mercedes about Prostitution.'

My dad says his friends called him a loser
After all, he's nearly fifty and he's still living at home with his family.

A family is on a nudist beach for the first time
**The kid asks his dad:** "Why do some guys have a small one and others a big one?"

**His dad:** "Well you see, the less you have down there, the more you have in your head. The more you have down there, the less you have in your head.

***15 minutes pass***

**Kid:** Look dad! The more that guy is looking at mom, the dumber he gets!

A man brought home a lie detector.
He told his family: "This robot will slap anyone that tells a lie."

 

During dinner,

Dad: "How was school, son?"

Son: "It was nice, we had to write an essay."

The robot slapped the son.

 

Son: "Ok, I skipped school to go to a friend's house."

The robot slapped the son again.

 

Son: "Fine! I went to a whorehouse!"

The robot did not do anything, but the dad was shocked.

Dad: "How could you? When I was your age I didn't even know what was a whorehouse!"

The robot slapped the dad.

 

The mum, who was angry at first, couldn't help but laugh and said, "Well, he is your son after all!"

Then the robot slapped the mum.

 

A rite of passage. [Dadjoke alert]
Meet James and Sasha, both 23, in a serious relationship and madly in love. James is worried about children, as he knows there is an honourable history of dad jokes in his family, and he is not sure he can live up to these great expectations. One night, whilst doing the deed, the condom breaks. They are both scared but after a couple weeks and no sign of pregnancy, they go back to their normal lives, and James goes back to worrying about parenthood. After returning home from work one night, James finds a tearful Sasha on the front doorstep. He sits next to her to ask what's wrong. 'Honey...' She replies. 'I'm pregnant.' James wipes a tear from his eye, and smiles proudly. 'Hello pregnant. I'm dad.'

Family Drive
A young boy is sitting on the back seat out on family drive. The family are driving behind a large truck. As they are driving behind this truck it hits a pot hole in the road and a dildo falls out of the back of the truck and hits the windscreen of the car.

"What was that"? The boy ask his Father from the back seat.

The Dad turns to the back seat and says. "Argh..nothing son, it was just a insect".

To which the boy replies "I'm surprised it can fly with a cock that big".

Another adult joke :p
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions. Onions? the son asks. Yes. You see them and they make you cry. This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there? The mother smiles and says, Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree. A Christmas tree? the daughter asks. Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.

There was a black family...
And their kid smeared flour all over themselves.
He show his mother, "look mom, I'm white!" He said. The mom slaps the kid and says, "wait until your father gets home.

The dad comes home and the kid shows himself, "Look dad, I'm white!" The dad slaps the kid and says, "cut that shit out."

They go over to their parents house and their parents ask the kid, "so what have you learned about being white?"

The kid said, "Well I've been white for three hours now and I already hate you niggas!"

when I was a kid, our family was very poor....
I remember when my dad was cutting onions and our whole family was crying. poor onions. he was such a good dog

The phone bill was exceptionally high. Man called a family meeting to discuss ....
Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use home phone, I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too. I hardly use home phone. I use my companies phone

Son: I use my office mobile, I never use the home phone.

All of them shocked and together looked at the maid who's patiently listening to them.

Maid: "What? So we all use our work phones. What's the Big deal??
😂😆

A jewish couple from Israel moves to the US...
... And their neighbours (an american family) start noticing that the couple do everything that the family does because they want to fit in.
If they start trimming the hedges, the couple start trimming the hedges.
If they eat dinner outside, the couple eats dinner outside.
The family doesn't think much of it since the neighbours are friendly and are just trying to fit in.

Then one day the dad in the family decides to go out and wash their car with the hose.
And as expected not long after the jewish man comes out to his car.
Except he has a saw and he starts sawing in the front end of the car.
"What the hell are you doing?" the dad asks.
"Hey! You baptise your car. I circumcise mine!"

A family is at dinner, after they finish, they pick up some toothpicks.
A family is at dinner, after they finish, they pick up some toothpicks. The son notices the father has taken two toothpicks, while the rest of the family have only taken one.

The Dad places one toothpick in his pocket, noticing his son's confused face, he tells him, It's for Ron .

Who's Ron

Later Ron .

Cutting Onion
When I was a kid, our family was very poor. I remember when my dad was cutting onion and the whole family was crying.
Poor onion, he was such a good dog.

What's the best part about living in a black family?
You never have to hear a dad joke.

Edit. Just thought of this at work one day hope it's not a repost

little johnny likes to gamble.
Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."