"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.
Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?
No son, have you seen my dad glasses?
Mom: *Stares at Dad*
Dad: *Clenches fist*
Mom: "Don't!"
Dad: *Sweats Profusely*
Mom: "..."
Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?
Me: Two. You have two, son.
Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!
The student has become the teacher.
Y'know, one would have been enough.
Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic
Dad:Never said I was a good one
So I took down his confederate flag.
So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."
Me: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad.
Wife: No you're not.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
The Invisible Man
"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"
"Thanks dad !"
"No problem Alan"
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
(I made this up myself, I'm really proud of it)
"No, just leave it in the carton! "
P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.
But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad
Father: "Ask your sister.
Daughter: "I don't have a si-"
We've updated our privacy policy
at her parent's house. Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them.
"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"
The dad being, a dad, replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"
He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."
He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
"Dad, I'm over here."
When a sex scene came on.
"well son, time for bed" the father says.
"but dad, I'm 15 now!" the son complains.
The father replies "I don't care how old you are son, you're not watching me masturbate"
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist."
"Dad," I said, "I have condoms."
And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
"Hey Dad."
"Yes son?"
"Did you ever get shot in the army?"
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;
"No, but I was shot in the leggy."
He asks mommy! whats that?"
Mom quickly replies "oh that's nothing" and walks on.
Later while passing the elephant the kid sees the weiner again and says to his dad "what's that daddy?"
Dad replies "oh thats the elephants penis"
kid says "oh, mommy says that's nothing"
The dad replies "Yeah, i spoil that woman"
Dad and Son are in the living room when dad feet's get cold. "Get my slippers from upstairs" He says.
While upstairs he sees two of his sisters friends so he goes up to both of them, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you".
"You're lying" they retort.
Okay, I'll prove it then, "Dad, did you say both of them?"
"what's the point of fucking one".
At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.
"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "... I'm sorry"
The dad being a dad replies "Hi Sorry! I'm Dad!"
He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking Sorry?"
"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."
Father: What the hell is going on in here?!
Daughter: Dad! Oh my god, I'm sorry!
Father: Hi Sorry, I'm Dad!
*the father turns to her boyfriend*
Father: Are you fucking sorry?
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...
**Her:** "Do you know any jokes?"
**Me:** "No."
**Her:** "I'll teach you one."
"Knock! Knock!"
**Me:** "Who's there?"
**Her:** "Ash."
"Now ask, Ash: who?"
**Me:** "Ash: who?"
**Her:** "Please cover your mouth when you sneeze."
**Me: rekt**
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Dad? Well, here are the best Dad dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Dad pick up lines to share with friends.