...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.
Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?
No son, have you seen my dad glasses?
Mom: *Stares at Dad*
Dad: *Clenches fist*
Mom: "Don't!"
Dad: *Sweats Profusely*
Mom: "..."
Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?
Me: Two. You have two, son.
Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!
The student has become the teacher.
Y'know, one would have been enough.
Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic
Dad:Never said I was a good one
So I took down his confederate flag.
So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."
Me: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad.
Wife: No you're not.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
The Invisible Man
"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"
"Thanks dad !"
"No problem Alan"
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
(I made this up myself, I'm really proud of it)
"No, just leave it in the carton! "
P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.
But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
Father: "Ask your sister.
Daughter: "I don't have a si-"
We've updated our privacy policy
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."
He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist."
"Dad," I said, "I have condoms."
And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
"Hey Dad."
"Yes son?"
"Did you ever get shot in the army?"
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;
"No, but I was shot in the leggy."
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...
**Her:** "Do you know any jokes?"
**Me:** "No."
**Her:** "I'll teach you one."
"Knock! Knock!"
**Me:** "Who's there?"
**Her:** "Ash."
"Now ask, Ash: who?"
**Me:** "Ash: who?"
**Her:** "Please cover your mouth when you sneeze."
**Me: rekt**
Father: It means 'to be happy'.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
* "Hey dad, why is my sister named rose?"
* "Because your other dad loves roses"
* "Thanks dad"
* "No problem, Richard"
Dad: "Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you."
"Yes, we arson."
Wow, your dad's a millionaire?
No, but he always wanted to be.
WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.
HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
WIFE: Second: No you're not
Must be why I'm an only child
$0, it's on the house.
**people keep saying dad joke, funny thing is my mom actually told me this 😂**
Me: it's Narnia Business....
When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.
"I've just had sex education in school today, Dad!
You lied to me!
You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday my boyfriend will die!"
I put down my paper: "Oh, he will sweetheart, he will.
Should've called it "the Father-figure"
Wife:Hey Honey, I'm Pregnant
Husband:Hey Pregnant, I'm Dad
Wife:No you're not
...after a while the boy says to his Father Dad, why can't we just use a sponge?
Me: Okay, so I would identify as bisexual.
Dad: And that means you would have a male partner.
Me: Yep
Dad: or a female partner.
Me: Yep
Dad: And that means you're bi.
Me: Yep
Dad: So that means if you don't find a partner you're on standbi?
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: Did you just...
"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."
"Well, pick one honey, you can't do both"
Sorry about your Dad, though
Kid: Why did you do that dad?
Dad: So you won't get bored there.
I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"
A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you dont mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."
Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.
It's so chewed up that we can't tell if it's 2b or not 2b.
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"
So I went.
And I saw my dad.
"Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.
Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"
Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."
Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
Either you have twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother"
But when I do, he laughs.
Bonus: my dad says I'm the only joke he'll ever need.
"Dad, are you sure?"
"Absolutely."
Onions was a good dog
You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"
I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.
I told her to sleep on it.
After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home.
That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them.
"Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked.
He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."
We have collected gags and puns about Dad to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Dad? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Dad pick up lines to share with friends.