Hilarious Dad Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?
I heard he made a mint.
A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...
...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.
Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?
What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face?
Too close for comfort food!
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?
No son, have you seen my dad glasses?
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it!
Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."
Mom: *Stares at Dad*
Dad: *Clenches fist*
Mom: "Don't!"
Dad: *Sweats Profusely*
Mom: "..."
Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*
Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?
Me: Two. You have two, son.
Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!
The student has become the teacher.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
Y'know, one would have been enough.
Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.
Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic
Dad:Never said I was a good one
You can explore dad daddy reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean dad papa dad jokes. There are also dad puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.
So I took down his confederate flag.
The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"
So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."
Wife: I'm pregnant.
Me: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad.
Wife: No you're not.
When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a c**... during s**....
All the slides were just pictures of me.
Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
I was like, 0mg
As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero
The Invisible Man
"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?"
"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"
"Thanks dad !"
"No problem Alan"
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well!
What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
Where do little jokes come from?
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,
"No, just leave it in the carton! "
P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.
A child asks his father what "gay" means
The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".
Having homosexual parents must be terrible
Either you have double dosage of dad jokes or you are stuck in cycle of go ask your mom
Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?
Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.
When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan
But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution
Wife was breastfeeding
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?"
Father: "Ask your sister.
Daughter: "I don't have a si-"
My son came home as I was taking his door off it's hinges and asked Dad what are you doing?
We've updated our privacy policy
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere
A cheese factory exploded in France.
Da brie is everywhere!
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son"
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."
He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
Dad can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is
No sun
Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?
Anyway, my dad just caught me m**...
My dad first talked to me about s**... when I was going to college.
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist."
"Dad," I said, "I have condoms."
And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
A boy and his dad are talking.
"Hey Dad."
"Yes son?"
"Did you ever get shot in the army?"
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;
"No, but I was shot in the leggy."
What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
European.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two tired!
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...
Do you know any jokes?
**Her:** "Do you know any jokes?"
**Me:** "No."
**Her:** "I'll teach you one."
"Knock! Knock!"
**Me:** "Who's there?"
**Her:** "Ash."
"Now ask, Ash: who?"
**Me:** "Ash: who?"
**Her:** "Please cover your mouth when you sneeze."
**Me: rekt**
I'm starting a new dating service in Prague.
It's called Czech-Mate.
What do you call a factory that sells passable products?
A satisfactory!
My 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me:
"Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?"
"Erm, I don't know" I replied
"Mickey Mouse" he replied laughing
"Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs"
"Donald Duck" I replied
"No, all ducks you idiot"
My dad just died. This isn't a joke, I'm lost. I remember at his dads f**... he told me:
Why do they put fences around cemetery's? Because people are dying to get in.
I told my daughters this joke years ago and told them it was from my dad. I want a joke that I can make at his f**... to my children in his honor. Can you help me out?
I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary.
I told him, - Mark, my words!
A boy asks his father Dad, what does 'gay' mean?
Father: It means 'to be happy'.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Gay parents are awesome!
* "Hey dad, why is my sister named rose?"
* "Because your other dad loves roses"
* "Thanks dad"
* "No problem, Richard"
Dropped my best ever dad joke & no one was around to hear it
I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!
Son: "Dad, Am I adopted"?
Dad: "Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you."
A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. Dad, what music did you like growing up?
I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin, the father replies.
Who? the son asks.
Yeah, the dad responds, I liked them too.
"Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?"
"Yes, we arson."
I always wanted to be a multimillionaire, just like my dad.
He always wanted to be a multimillionaire too.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire!
I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!!
Wow, your dad's a millionaire?
No, but he always wanted to be.
I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up.
Good thymes.
I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son."
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."
He scratched his head, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
I tell dad jokes all the time even though I'm not actually a dad
I'm a faux pa.
A guy goes to his doctor because he can see into the future.
The doctor asks him - How long have you suffered from that condition?
The guy tells him - Since next Monday.
What rock group has four men that don't sing?
Mount Rushmore.
