dad Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious dad puns

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

👍🏼

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...

...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?

👍🏼

Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?

No son, have you seen my dad glasses?

👍🏼

Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

Mom: *Stares at Dad*

Dad: *Clenches fist*

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: *Sweats Profusely*

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

👍🏼

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

👍🏼

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

👍🏼

Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.

Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic

Dad:Never said I was a good one

👍🏼

My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

👍🏼

The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

👍🏼

Wife: I'm pregnant.

Me: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad.

Wife: No you're not.

👍🏼

When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.

All the slides were just pictures of me.

👍🏼

As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero

The Invisible Man

👍🏼

"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"

"Thanks dad !"

"No problem Alan"

👍🏼

Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.

(I made this up myself, I'm really proud of it)

👍🏼

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "


P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

👍🏼

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan

But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

👍🏼

(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

👍🏼

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

👍🏼

When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa...

The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad

👍🏼

Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?"

Father: "Ask your sister.

Daughter: "I don't have a si-"

👍🏼

My son came home as I was taking his door off it's hinges and asked Dad what are you doing?




We've updated our privacy policy

👍🏼

A teenage girl was having sex with her boyfriend...

at her parent's house. Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"

The dad being, a dad, replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

👍🏼

I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son"

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

👍🏼

"Son, you'll go blind if you masturbate too much."

"Dad, I'm over here."

👍🏼

A boy was watching TV with his father

When a sex scene came on.
"well son, time for bed" the father says.
"but dad, I'm 15 now!" the son complains.
The father replies "I don't care how old you are son, you're not watching me masturbate"

👍🏼

Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

👍🏼

My dad first talked to me about sex when I was going to college.


He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist."

"Dad," I said, "I have condoms."

And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."

👍🏼

A boy and his dad are talking.

"Hey Dad."



"Yes son?"



"Did you ever get shot in the army?"



He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;



"No, but I was shot in the leggy."

👍🏼

A boy sees an elephants penis at the zoo

He asks mommy! whats that?"

Mom quickly replies "oh that's nothing" and walks on.

Later while passing the elephant the kid sees the weiner again and says to his dad "what's that daddy?"

Dad replies "oh thats the elephants penis"

kid says "oh, mommy says that's nothing"

The dad replies "Yeah, i spoil that woman"

👍🏼

My dad told me I should fuck both of you.

Dad and Son are in the living room when dad feet's get cold. "Get my slippers from upstairs" He says.

While upstairs he sees two of his sisters friends so he goes up to both of them, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you".

"You're lying" they retort.

Okay, I'll prove it then, "Dad, did you say both of them?"

"what's the point of fucking one".

👍🏼

A girl is having sex with her boyfriend [NSFW]

At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "... I'm sorry"

The dad being a dad replies "Hi Sorry! I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking Sorry?"

👍🏼

A boy is watching TV with his father when a sex scene comes on.

"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."

👍🏼

A father walks in on his daughter having sex

Father: What the hell is going on in here?!

Daughter: Dad! Oh my god, I'm sorry!

Father: Hi Sorry, I'm Dad!

*the father turns to her boyfriend*

Father: Are you fucking sorry?

👍🏼

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they'll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

👍🏼

My 7 y/o niece just dad joked me.

**Her:** "Do you know any jokes?"

**Me:** "No."

**Her:** "I'll teach you one."


"Knock! Knock!"

**Me:** "Who's there?"

**Her:** "Ash."


"Now ask, Ash: who?"

**Me:** "Ash: who?"

**Her:** "Please cover your mouth when you sneeze."

**Me: rekt**

👍🏼

What are the most funny Dad jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Dad? Well, here are the best Dad dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Dad pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes