Dad Jokes

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...
...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?

Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?
No son, have you seen my dad glasses?

Dads are like boomerangs.
I hope.

Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."
Mom: *Stares at Dad*

Dad: *Clenches fist*

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: *Sweats Profusely*

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*
Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
Y'know, one would have been enough.

Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.
Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic

Dad:Never said I was a good one

My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.
So I took down his confederate flag.

The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"
So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

Wife: I'm pregnant.
Me: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad.

Wife: No you're not.

Electrical Joke
Dad was a Bell System engineer. I told him that he had put up with BS for 40 years. But that is not his joke. His was:

How long is a short circuit?


As long as it takes to ***find*** it!

A man had 3 daughters.
A man had 3 daughters.

The first daughter walks up to her dad and says "Daddy, why is my name Rose?"

"Because a rose petal fell on you when you were a baby." Replied the father. The first daughter smiles and skips off to play with her dolls.

The second daughter walks up to her dad and says "Daddy, why is my name Tulip?"
"Because a Tulip petal fell on you when you were a baby." Replied the father. The second daughter smiles and skips off to play with her dolls.

The third daughter walks up to her dad and says "Hhhhhnnngngngnggggddddddrrrrruhuuhuhhuhhuhdadgh!"

"...Go to your room cinderblock." Replied the father.

Bad Bernie
Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car. The only thing he said was, "F.F."

His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F." Out on the highway, he said, "F.F." She responded simply, "E.F." He repeated, "F.F." She again replied, "E.F."

"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?" Bad Bernie answered: "Your mother wants to eat first!"

My dads favorite
When you're kissing with your honey
and your nose is kinda runny
you may think its kinda funny
but it's not

Joke my dad loved
What's the last thing each tickle-me-elmo doll gets before leaving the factory?


Two test tickles

What's the difference between white time and black time (Warning. Dad joke)
The size of their clock.

Little Johnny getting Married!
Little Johnny (age 9) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.

His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Little Johnny him, "How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?"

He replies, "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do ok."

His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?"

Little Johnny answers, "Well, so far, we've been lucky..."

Parents' Occupation!
The teacher in Little Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.

"Mary, what does your parents do?"

Little Mary replied, "My dad is a lawyer and my mummy is a nurse.

"That's very nice," said the teacher. "Robert, what do your parents do?" Robert proudly exclaimed, "My dad is a policeman and my mom is a teacher!"

"That's very nice," said the teacher, "Johnny, what do your parents do?"

He stood up and pronounced, "My dad's dead and my mom's a hooker."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. 15 minutes later, he returned.

"Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" asked the teacher.

Little Johnny replied, "Yes, he said that in our economy every job is important, gave me a chocolate and asked for my phone number."

Why did the Wright brothers turn their aircraft 90 degrees west when their dad walked in the cockpit?
because three Wrights make a left.

I really didn't want to go the dermatologist...
...but my dad told me to face my fears!

*thought of this while washing my face*

I started to sing the poop song
Dad said it was crappy.

My dad came into my room the other night as I was getting ready for a date
He sat me down, handed me a condom, looked me in the eyes and said, "Son, don't make the same mistakes I did."

A man walks into a drug store with his 10-year old son...
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men…
One for January, one for February, one For March......."

How little stefan got a brand new watch..
Little Stefan comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch. His best friend, little Jenny, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tell his story," I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent's bedroom.

I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn't tell the family. I asked for a new watch and here it is."

Jenny decides she wants one too, so night after night she listens outside her parents' bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually she hears some banging and groaning from the other side of the door.

She walks in and catches her parents in the act, so her dad offers her anything she wants to keep quiet about the whole affair. Jenny immediately says, "I want a watch."
The dad sighs and says, "Alright, but go and stand in the corner and don't make any noise . "

A sad dad joke
A woman is at her father's deathbed. She hasn't seen him in years and now they only have a few moments left.

"Dad, I'm sorry," she whispers.

"Goodbye, Sorry," he says, "*I'm dead*.

A toast to Dad jokes...
Two women knocked at my door and asked what bread I ate.


I said white and they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.


I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

A Mother and Son are walking down a park..
when they see a couple having sex behind a tree. The son turns to his mother and asks what the couple was doing. In a state of panic, his mother told him they were making cake.

Later on in the day, during dinner, the son asks his mother, if her and dad had made cake on the living room couch.
Surprised, his mom had awkwardly said yes, then afraid if he had seen them, she quickly asked how he knew.
The Son replied that he licked the leftover icing off the Sofa.

I Walked In On My Dad Chopping Onions Up One Day...
It made me cry. Onions was my favorite dog.

One day an elderly Chinese grandfather gets a phone call from his son
"Come quick, I'm about to be a dad!" says the son.
So the grandfather rushes down to the hospital to see his daughter-in-law going into labour.
"It's twins!" says the son excitedly.

After many moments of screaming and pushing, the son is holding a beautiful Chinese boy.

"What a handsome boy!" says the son proudly. The father can't help but agree as he admires his first grandchild. The wife prepares to deliver the second child as the first baby is laid down in a crib.
After more agonising shouts and clenches, the son is holding a beautiful African boy.

"Well, it's not what I expected" says the surprised son, "but he is still a handsome boy."
The grandfather, however, grabs the African baby and runs to the bathroom.

"Dad! What are you doing?!" the son exclaims.
The grandfather opens the lid of the toilet and dumps the baby inside.
"Son," he says, "ancient Chinese proverb been told in family for many generation..."
He pushes the flush button and says "If it yellow, let it mellow..."

Chopping Onions
I walked into the kitchen to see my Dad chopping Onions up. As soon as I saw him, I started crying because Onions is my dog.

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...
...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?

Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?
No son, have you seen my dad glasses?

Dads are like boomerangs.
I hope.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
Y'know, one would have been enough.

Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.
Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic

Dad:Never said I was a good one

My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.
So I took down his confederate flag.

Wife: I'm pregnant.
Me: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad.

Wife: No you're not.

When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.

As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero
The Invisible Man

"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?"
"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"

"Thanks dad !"

"No problem Alan"

How do you know when your sister is on her period?
Your dad's dick tastes like blood.

What did the dad say when his son said, "Dad I'm tired of walking in circles?"
"Shut up kid or I'll nail your other foot to the ground."

Once there was a little boy in church.

He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, "Mommy, I have to piss."
The mother said, "Son don't say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite."
The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.
He told his father, "Daddy I have to whisper."
The father said, "OK. Here, whisper in my ear."

Three little boys were sitting around talking about their fathers.

The first boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings."
The second boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings out of his nose."
The third boy said, "Well, my dad can blow smoke rings out of his butt."
The first and second boys where amazed.
The second boy said, "Have you seen him do it?"
"No," said the third boy, "but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear."

Since we're posting dirty limericks now.....
There once was a man from St. Lou

Who gave his dear sister a screw.

He said with aplomb:

"You're better than Mom."

Said she: "That's what Dad told me too."

-----

Told to me by /u/hasseth

So there's this incest family...
and the daughter wants to take the car out for the evening. She asks her father for permission and he says "Sure honey, but you have to suck my dick before you can take it." This being a normal custom she says "Okay" and starts the process. As she's doing the dirty deed she complains to her dad that his dick tastes like shit, to which her dad replies, "That's right, I forgot your brother has the car tonight."

*My dad helping me find a gf*
Dad: What do you want most in a woman?
Me: My dick.

*Grounded and high fived*

My girlfriends dad asked me what I do.
Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob?
Dad: Ohhh yeah I do!
Son: How did it taste?
Dad: Get out.

A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"
"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."
"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"
"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"

Two little boys, one blond, one with brown hair, were arguing over whose father could beat the other’ up.
The brown-haired kid said, “My father is way better than yours.”
The blond came back, “Maybe, but my mother is better than yours.”
“That’s what my father says.”

Johny came crying.
Dad: "What happened?"
Johny: "Today at class when we got up from our seats for prayer, Rita, who sits in front of us, had her skirt stuck between her ass, seeing that my bench mate pulled it out."
Dad: "That's bad, but why you are crying?"
Johny: "I knew that's bad, so I pushed it back into her ass and she slapped me."

My kid and I were in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinal to his right, my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims, "Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot bigger than yours!"
The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me.
So I put my hand around my kid and told him
"Well son, that's because daddy isn't aroused by men."

Two kids were talking together.
First: "My daddy is so tall that he can touch the clouds in the sky with his hands."
Second: "That is excellent. Does your daddy touch something soft and downy?"
First: "Yes, of course."
Second: "Those are my daddy's testicles."

My previous girlfriend had this weird sleeping disorder - in the middle of every night she would wake up and suck my dick.
No wonder her dad did not want her to move out.

My dad was a complicated man.
He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know?
Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black — that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.

"Mommy, mommy, I found daddy!"
"How often do I have to tell you not to dig around in the garden!"

Mummy, mummy, why is daddy swaying in the backyard?
Shut up, and give me more bullets.

Two kids were talking together.
First: "My daddy is so tall that he can touch the clouds in the sky with his hands."
Second: "That is excellent. Does your daddy touch something soft and downy?"
First: "Yes, of course."
Second: "Those are my daddy's testicles."

"Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home."
"That's perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment."

The best thing after an intensive argument is the peace-sex.

But I hate when I argue with my father-in-law.

A bloke notices a gorgeous bird giving him the eye in the supermarket.
"Do I know you?" he asks.
She says, "Aren't you the dad of one of my kids?"
He thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says, "Were you the hooker I fucked over the pool table at my bucks night, while your mate spanked me with a piece of wet celery while shoving that massive cucumber up my ass?"
She stares at him and says, "No, I'm your daughters teacher!"

2 kids arguing.
2 little kids were arguing over who's dad has a better job. First kid says,"My dads a doctor." Second kis say,"Yeah well my dad's lawyer." Astonished the first kid says," Honest?" The second kid replied "No, the usual kind."

Dad cooks a deer,
But doesn't tell the kids what it is.

"I'll give you one hint," he says. "It's what your mother calls me."

suddenly the little boy jumps up and says to his sister, "Don't eat it! It's a Fucking Dick!!!"

Little Johnny's Classic Summer Story
On the first day of school, the teacher goes around the class asking the kids what they did that summer.

Teacher: "Johnny, what did you do?"

Johnny: "Well my dad got in a car accident, and a piece of metal went right up his ass!"

Teacher: "Johnny! We don't use that word in here, we say 'rectum.'"

Johnny: "Wrecked 'im? Damn near killed 'im!"

more dad-jokes (the limb-less edition)
What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?

Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at your front door?

Matt.

The neighborhood kids came to Timmy's house and asked if he could come out to play. "Shame on you kids," says Timmy's mom. "Don't you know Timmy doesn't have any arms or legs? He can't play with you."

"But we're playing baseball and we need a home base."

Little Johnny's dad
Little Johnny's teacher asks every kid in the class to share what their dads to for a living.

"My dad's a fireman."

"My dad's a policeman."

Soon, all the kids except little Johnny had shared. The teacher asks:

"Little Johnny, what does your father do?"

"Nothing, he's dead."

"Well, I'm sorry to hear that. What did he do before he died?"

"He shit his pants and turned blue."

The teacher asks his class which is larger an atom or a cell...
...None of the kids raise their hands finally Johnny raises his hand. The teacher calls on him and Johnny answers correctly saying that a cell is larger. When asked to explain he replys that his dad could only fit his penis into Adam but he now lives in a cell.

(Not very good, I just thought of it in science when asked the same question.)

Kids will be Kids...
I was about three years old and came up to my dad crying, telling him that I hit my head. He asked what happened, so I went to the wall and hit my head again to show him.

from /u/laurazabs

A 5 year old black boy walks up to a 5 year old white boy and says, "My daddy's goy a car.

When he honks the horn it goes 'honkey honkey'".
Little white boy says, "shit, my daddys got a chain saw when he starts it up it goes 'run nigga nigga run'".

A small boy is sent to bed by his father…
Five minutes later:
"Da-ad…"
"What?"
"I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad…"
"WHAT?"
"I’m THIRSTY… Can I have a drink of water?"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!"

Five minutes later:
"Daaad…"
"WHAT?!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

Man: "How old is your father?"
Boy: "As old as me.

"
Man: "How can that be?"
Boy: "He became a father only when I was born."

"Mommy! Do Angels fly?"
"Yes, they do my love!"
"Then, when will our nanny fly? Dad calls her 'My Angel' all the time!"
"Tomorrow, my child, she'll fly as far as she goes..."

"Mommy, mommy, I found daddy!"
"How often do I have to tell you not to dig around in the garden!"

Mary's father has 5 daughters,
1. Nana
2. Nono
3. Nini
4. Nene
What is the fifth daughters name?

It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.
"Let’s try to make this look natural" she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad’s shoulder."
The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?"

Son: "Daddy; why some of your hairs have turned white?"
Father: "Every lie told by you makes one of my hairs white."
Son: "Oh now I understood why all grandfathers' hairs are white."

Two kids were talking together.
First: "My daddy is so tall that he can touch the clouds in the sky with his hands."
Second: "That is excellent. Does your daddy touch something soft and downy?"
First: "Yes, of course."
Second: "Those are my daddy's testicles."

Doctors son: "Well, dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines of success."
Doctor father: "Always, write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills legibly."

A father went to take his daughter from school.

While waiting, he heard her talking with a classmate of hers "I worry so much-..! My dad works 16 hours a day so he can build a dream house for when I grow up. My mom spends her days cooking for me, making deserts and tiding my room so I can have fun. I worry. I’m so worried!"
"With that kind of parents you have nothing to worry about," her friend told her.
"Yeah, but what if... What if they... What if they... ESCAPE?"

A little kid gets on a city bus, sits right behind the driver, and starts talking loudly, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow, I'd be a little bull."
The driver gets annoyed as the kids continues to yammer on.
"If my dad was an rooster and my mom a hen, I would be a little chick."
The kid goes on and on with all the animals he knows, when finally, the bus driver yells, "What if your dad was a bum and your mom was a drunk?"
The kid smiles and says, "I'd be a bus driver."

A man and wife were making love.
When thay saw there 8 year old son at the door crying the dad started laughing and the boy ran away.
Mom said "You better fix this now."
The dad couldn't find the boy anywhere unwell he hurd a loud noise conning from grandma's room so he opened up the door and there was the boy putting his "wood" to grandma.
The dad screamed "What the fuck."
The boy said "It aims so funny when it's your mom is it."

"I just had sexed in school today, dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my 16th biurthday, my boyfriend will die."
"Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will."

On a men's bathroom wall, someone had hastily scrawled, "I slept with your mother.

"
Underneath it, another person had written, "Go home dad, you're drunk."

A father was advising his son: "

If you want to have a big and strong dick in future you have to eat more walnuts."
Suddenly son's mother by an angry face shouted: "Why when you were child did'nt eat enough walnut yourself?"

The other kids always made fun of me for having my Dad wait for me at the bus stop
So I finally told him "Dad I'm 17 now, you dont need to wait with me anymore. Also how long have you not been wearing pants?"

Two men are chatting;
"My son asked me: 'Daddy, where do children come from?'"
"It's not a big deal... Today kids are interested in that matter on the early years."
"Yeah men, but the real issue here is that my son is... married... for five years!"

A son and the dad are walking around on the streets.

The dad stops the son and says, "Son, if you don't stop masturbating, you are going to go blind."
The son says, "Dad! I'm over here!"

Son: "Dad, I'm cold..."
Dad: "Stand in a corner, they're usually ninety degrees!"

A man and his son went into a store.
The kid picked a USA flag and told his dad: "Dad, I want this flag."
The man tells him: "Nah, this looks too bright. Check if it's available in a different color."

Three kids were smoking behind the shed.

"My dad can blow smoke through his nose!" boasted the first.
"Ha, mine can blow smoke through this ears!" countered the second boy.
"That’s nothing," piped up the third. "My dad can blow smoke through his arse. I know,‘cos I’ve seen the nicotine stains on his undies."

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism.
Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government.
We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people.
The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future.
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident.
"Douchebag!" the father yells.
A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son.
"Your father just said a bad word," he says.
"I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?"
His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."

One I heard at the pub yesterday
One evening after dinner, a little kid walks up to his father and goes: "Dad! Dad! Some of the other kids were talking and they were saying how 'cunt' and 'vagina' mean the same thing! What is a cunt-vagina? Are they the same thing"

The dad raises a finger to his lips and says. "Go to your room. I'll show you later tonight."

At some point in the night, the dad wakes the son and they walk up to the room in which the mum is sleeping. After some clever tiptoeing, the dad points and says: "That, my son, is a vagina."

"Is that the same as a cunt?" the little boys asks, whispering.

"Oh no." the dad says. "That's the rest of her."

Kids these days
A boy came home one day and told his dad, "dad dad! I had sex today!"

The proud father said, "that's great son, how was it"

The boy said, "great, but I wish my but didn't hurt so much"

When I was five years old...
When I was five years old, I asked my dad for a new bicycle for my birthday. He said to me, "Well is your dick long enough to touch your bumhole?"

I replied, "No,"

To which he countered, "Then you can't bloody get a new bicycle."

When I was ten I really wanted a puppy for my birthday, and we'd always have the same conversation.

"Can you dick touch your bumhole?"

And I nonchalantly I replied as always, "No, it can not."

"Well then you can't bloody get a puppy!" Was the reply.

This went on for years and years. I lived a tough life throughout my childhood watching other kids playing with cool toys. Fast forward to the present, where I've won the lottery and have all the money to buy whatever toys I want. Yes I have the Transformers, iPods, puppies and all that shit.

Just the other day, my Dad came by to my place, "Son, can I have a motorbike?"

Remembering our old joke I said, "Well can your dick touch your bumhole?"

He smiled and said, "Why yes son, it can."

I replied, "Well you can go fuck yourself."

It's contagious
A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling
them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can
use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands.

"Carl," she says.

Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause
they're contagious."

"Very good," says the teacher.

Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious."

The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!"

Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the
class. "Yes, Johnny?"

Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little
model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and
down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that
cunt ages to finish that fence.'"

4-year-old: Why are you my dad?
Me: Because I made you.

4: How?
Me: ...
4: O.o
Me: ...
4: O.O
Me: With Legos.

Kids
Two children, a boy and a girl, were playing at the park. They both pulled down their pants and said "What's This". Neither of them knew so they went home and asked their parents. The little boy asked his dad "What is this". His dad said "Thats your motorcycle, you want to park it in a girl's garage". The little girl asked her mom "What's this" Her mom said, "that your garage, don't let any boys park their motorcycle in there." They next day, after the girl was finished playing with the boy, she comes home. The mom says "Did the boy try to put their motorcycle in your garage" The girl replies "Yes, I ripped his wheels off."

In my birthday suit
A mum comes home to find her teenage daughter naked on the couch.
"Be decent dear; go put on something to cover your nakedness", says the mum.
"I'm not naked, I'm in my birthday suit", says the daughter.
A few days later, the dad comes home to find his middle-aged wife naked on the couch.
"Since when do you get naked around the house; the kids could be coming back at any time", the husband shouts, surprised.
"I'm not naked, I'm in my birthday suit", claims the wife.
"Next time, you should iron it before you put it on!"

One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.
"I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver.
"No way! Get lost!" replied the boy.
"How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked.
"I said no way," replied the boy.
"What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver.
"No, I’m not getting in the car," answered the boy.
"Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the driver offered.
"No!" replied the boy.
"What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver.
The boy replied: "Listen, Dad: You bought the Volvo-you live with it!"

Deer Hunter.
A sportsman, and father of 3 sons, was anxious to share his latest kill with his family for Sunday dinner.
He didn't want his sons to refuse tasting the delicious venison, so he sat the boys down to dinner without telling them what the meat was they were about to eat.
"Oh come on Dad," said the oldest son. "What is this meat?"
"Just taste it," said the father, "You will love it."
The boys eyed each other nervously and put a piece of the meat on their forks.
"Give us a little hint.", pleaded the second son.
"Only if you take a bite.", said the father.
As each boy took a cautious bite of the venison, the father continued, "Let me think, your mother calls me this from time to time."
The oldest boy shouted, "Spit it out boys, it's asshole!"

One day, little Suzie was strolling around the house and just happened to pass by her sister’s room.
She heard her sister say on the phone to her boy friend.
“Your such an as***!” and she hung up.
Suzie asked what as*** had meant and her sister sayin
“Uh… it means… uhh.. boyfriend!”.
Suzie is delighted to hear a new nice word.

Then,She was walking past the bathroom where her dad was shaving.
Her dad had cut himself and yelled “SHIT!”
Then turniing around saw little Suzie ask what shit means.
Dad, being quite shocked answered
“It uhh.. It.. It means shaving cream.”

Then, Suzie walked downstairs to help her mom with the dinner turkey.
Suzie’s dad’s boss was coming to dinner tonight.
When Suzie went in the kitchen, her mom accidently cut herself yelled”F***k!”.
Suzie asked what f***k meant and mom replied ” it..it..it uummm…it means cut… yeah, cut.”
Just as mom said that, the doorbell rang and asked Suzie to go and get it.

When Suzie opened the door, her dad’s boss was standing there.
Boss asked” Well hello young lady! Can I ask where your family is?
”Then Suzie said” Well, my sister’s upstairs talking to her as*** on the phone, my dad’s in the bathroom wiping the shit off his face and my mom’s in the kitchen f***g the turkey!”

A little girl asked her mother, "

How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question..
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

One day this little girl’s dad came home and she runs up to him.

“Daddy, the cat died today!”
“Well, darling,” said the dad. “That’s just something that happens.”
“But why are his arms and legs up in the air?”
“Well, darling, that’s just something they do.”

She takes the death fairly well and doesn’t mention it until a few days later.
When the dad comes home, she runs up to him.
“Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today!”
“What are you talking about?”
“I came downstairs and I heard her screaming ’Oh Jesus, take me, take me!’ And she had her arms and legs up in the air and if it hadn’t been for the mailman trying to revive her she would have died.”

There was a father who called his 5 small children together.

As the sat together in a circle on the floor the dad placed a toy in the middle.
He explained to them that he won this toy as a door prize and he wanted to give it to one of them.
He asked them "who is the most obedient?"
Five sets of eyes looked up at him.
Sensing that they didn’t understand the word he then asked, "ok, who always obeys mommy, and does everything she says?"
One of the children picked up the toy and handed it to the father. "You win!" exclaimed the child.

A man and his little boy were walking through the park when a honeybee landed near them.

The boy ran over and stomped on it. The father gave him a lecture about having respect for living things and added, "Just for that you can’t have any honey for two weeks!"
Pretty soon a butterfly landed near them.
The boy ran over and stomped on it.
Again, the father gave him a lecture and added, "Just for that you can’t have any butter for two weeks!"
When they got home, they went into the kitchen, and a cockroach ran across the floor.
The mother ran over and stomped on it.
The boy said to his father, "Well do you want to tell her, or shall I?"

Billy, learned at school that everybody has secrets.

So, he decided to take advantage of it.
One day, as he came home from school, he went in front of his mother and told her: "Mommy, mommy! I know everything!"
His mom, obviously scared to death: "Here, take a 100 euros and say NOTHING to your father about it, okay?"
"Okay mommy!" says Billy and leaves the room with a big smile on his face.
When his dad came from work, he did the same to him as well: "Daddy, daddy! I found out everything!"
Numb, his father puts his hand on his pocket: "Here, take a 100 euros and say NOTHING to your mother, okay?"
"Okay!" says Billy with a bigger smile on his face.
The next morning, on his way to school, he sees the Postman.
He thought he could try it to him too: "Mr. Focker, I know everything!"
The Postman, the minute he heard it, fell on his knees and wide opened his arms: "Then, come... Come closer... My son!"

A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning.

After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him.
He looked up at his dad and asked "How do fish breath under water?"
His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, "I really don’t know, son."
The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, "How does our boat float on the water?"
Once again his dad replied, "Don’t know, son."
Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, his dad replied. "Don’t know, son."
The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time "Dad, do you mind that I’m asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not son." replied his dad, "How else are you ever going to learn anything?"

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we’re living with two h***s and a future congressman."

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

I'm worried sick!
Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works all day to give us a nice home and good food.


My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"


The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!"


The first kid asks, "What if they try to escape?"

Little boy says to his father: "

Daddy, I heard on the news that cigarettes have become much more expensive. Does it mean that you're going to smoke less from now on?"
And father replies: "No, son. I will smoke as much as a have. But, you'll be eating less!"

Call centre
So there's this guy Bob and his wife Mary. Bob and Mary one day came up with the secret code: *I wanna make a call*, to use in front of their kids when the couple wanted to bang. And one day Bob and Mary had an argument.

Bob later tells his son to tell his mother: 'Dad wants to make a call.'

Mary tells her son to tell his Dad: 'The phone isn't working'

So Bob replies to her with: 'If I don't make a call here I'm gonna make a call outside'.

Mary tells Bob through the kid: 'If you make a call outside I'm turning the house into a call centre'

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.

A kid asks his father:
Kid: Daddy why do i have to go to bed?
Dad: Because the bed wont come to you.

Will was trying to to teach his son the evils of alcohol.

He put a worm in a glass of water & another in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived while the one in the whiskey curled up & d*ed.
"All right, son," Said Will, "what does that show you?"
"Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms."

Little Susan was helping her mother to set the table, cause her father invited over his company managers.
When everybody sat on the table, her mother noticed that a flatware set was missing.
"Susan, why didn’t you put flatware on Mr. Marc’s seat?"
"I thought that I didn’t have to, since dad told us that Mr. Marc, eats like a pig…"

The father with his daughter are taking a walk to a public place of their town;

"Ann! Why are you so nervously looking around?" observes the father.
"How else can I find you a really good son in law, dad?"

A father, as he was going home, he saw his daughter on the porch, kissing a guy goodnight.

Disturbed, he turned to the guy.
"In our home, young man, we turn of the light at 11 o'clock, sharp!"
"Oh, Thank you so much Sir! That's so convenient! Thanks!"

When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.

A teenage girl was having sex with her boyfriend...
at her parent's house. Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"

The dad being, a dad, replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

A boy was watching TV with his father
When a sex scene came on.
"well son, time for bed" the father says.
"but dad, I'm 15 now!" the son complains.
The father replies "I don't care how old you are son, you're not watching me masturbate"

My dad first talked to me about sex when I was going to college.

He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist."

"Dad," I said, "I have condoms."

And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."

My teenage daughter came home in a rage.
My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

'I've just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!'

I put down my paper: 'Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.'

I had sex with a girl on her period once
Her dad walked in and caught me red-handed.

Little Johnny catches his mom and dad...
Mom and dad are having sex when little Johnny walks in. Quickly, dad tells him to leave. When mom and dad come out of the room, they explain to Johnny that sometimes daddy's get a big tummy and mommy's have to jump on it so it will deflate. Then Johnny replies, "But why does mommy have to deflate it when Ms. Jane next door just comes over every day to blow it back up?"

Brush yo teeth...
A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class. She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"


And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"


And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"


And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."

First time having sex was like my first time riding a bike.
My dad was holding me from behind.

little boy asked his daddy
"What does a vagina look like?"
Dad says," you know what a rose looks like on a warm sunny morning, all velvety and moist. That's what it looks like before sex."
Right on cue the little boy asks," Well what about after sex dad?"
Dad answers," Have you ever seen a pitbull eating mayonnaise?"

Boy should start having sex.
Son, a boy your age should start having sex. I want you to give it a try. Find someone at school and just go for it.

The next day:
Dad, dad, I fucked my teacher!
That's great son, but can you do it again?

Sure I can. And he does, again and again.
This goes on for the entire week.

On Friday Dad comes home with a gift. Son, I'm so proud of you that I bought you a new bike. Let's go for a ride.
I can't dad, my butt's too sore.

It's all in the position.
A father and son were standing in the front yard one day and the son notices two dogs having sex. He asks "dad what they are doing?" The father replies "they are making puppies." A few nights later the son walks in on his mother and father having sex and asks " dad what are y'all doing?" The father says "we're making babies." The son quickly replies " well turn her over, I want a puppy!"

Daddy, what's sex?
A man was in his backyard when his 8 year old daughter comes out and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

The man things for a minute and tell himself if she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to know, so he goes on and tells his daughter all about the birds and the bees.

Once he was done, his daughter was sitting there, wide eyed, while his wife yells from inside, "Honey, did you tell dad dinner will be ready in a couple of secs yet?"

The four types of female orgasms
Back when I was younger, my dad was educating me on sex. You all know the talk. One thing always stood out to me; he says to me "Son, there are four types of female orgasms."

"The first is the good orgasm- "OH YES! OH YESSSS!""

"Now the second, that's the bad orgasm- "OH NO! OH NO!"

"The third, that's how you know she's religious- "OH GOD! OH GOD!"

"And everyone knows about the last- the fake orgasm- "OH Shohn64! Oh Shohn64!"

Hillbilly Humor
A Hillbilly brother and sister are having sex in their back shed, and in the middle of it, the sister starts to giggle.
"What in the hell is so damn funny?" asks the brother.
"You screw just like dad!" said the sister.
"Thats just what mom told me!" said the brother.

Enjoy
A son ask his Father "What does a vagina look like"? The dad said "Like a beautiful rose". He continued to say "and after sex, it looks like a bulldog eating mayonnaise".

Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex.
Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?

My previous girlfriend had this weird sleeping disorder - in the middle of every night she would wake up and suck my dick.
No wonder her dad did not want her to move out.

Little Johnny goes to his parents' room to say goodnight
He walks in and sees them having sex. They continue and Johnny runs out of the room. When they are finished, Johnny's mom tells the dad to talk to Johnny about what happened. The dad looks all over the house, but can't find Johnmy,. Finally, he goes in the kitchen and sees Johnny raping the grandmother. The dad tells "SON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" Johnny says, "Don't like it when it's your mom, do you?"

*My dad helping me find a gf*
Dad: What do you want most in a woman?
Me: My dick.

*Grounded and high fived*

How do you know when your sister is on her period?
Your dad's dick tastes like blood.

A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"
"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."
"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"
"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"

Little Johnny took sex ed and every day when little Johnny would come in from school he'll tell his dad for learning sex ed well one day we'll just come in and he said that I got thrown out sex ed Lil Johnny's daddy says how do you get thrown out sex ed Little Johnny said well Dad I got in trouble for eating during class.

Yo mama is so stupid, she did her dad last night.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Little Johnny: "Dad why your dick's hairs are black but the hairs of your head are are going to be white?"
Dad: "My dear the first one is thinking but the second is enjoying."

Son: "What's love juice daddy?"
Me: "It's what 2 people make when they're having exciting sex. Anyway? What are you watching?"
Son: "Wimbledon."

Yo' Mama is so skanky, when yo' daddy suggested doggie style, she laid down and licked her balls.

"I just had sexed in school today, dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my 16th biurthday, my boyfriend will die."
"Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will."

A man and wife were making love.
When thay saw there 8 year old son at the door crying the dad started laughing and the boy ran away.
Mom said "You better fix this now."
The dad couldn't find the boy anywhere unwell he hurd a loud noise conning from grandma's room so he opened up the door and there was the boy putting his "wood" to grandma.
The dad screamed "What the fuck."
The boy said "It aims so funny when it's your mom is it."

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".
Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".
Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said.
Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.
Then the door bell rang.
The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

Baking a cake
One night a wife and her husband were having sex on the living room couch and the next morning their 8 year old son asked his mom "what were you and dad doing last night? I heard a lot of noise." His mom, completely dumbfounded, answered "uuumm your dad and I were baking a cake."

A few nights later the wife and husband have sex on the couch once again. The next morning the son walks up to the mom with a smile on his face and says "you and dad were baking a cake last night weren't you?" The mom asked "how did you know?" The son answered "because I licked the frosting off the couch."

A Mother and Son are walking down a park..
when they see a couple having sex behind a tree. The son turns to his mother and asks what the couple was doing. In a state of panic, his mother told him they were making cake.

Later on in the day, during dinner, the son asks his mother, if her and dad had made cake on the living room couch.
Surprised, his mom had awkwardly said yes, then afraid if he had seen them, she quickly asked how he knew.
The Son replied that he licked the leftover icing off the Sofa.

A man walks into a drug store with his 10-year old son...
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men…
One for January, one for February, one For March......."

Who likes little Johnny jokes?
One day little Johnny and his dad are sitting at the breakfast table. Johnny turns to his dad and says, "dad what does a vagina look like?"

His dad thinks about it for a second and then says, "well little Johnny, before sex a vagina looks like a beautiful flower in the middle of a large bushy forest. It's such a beautiful sight to see. It even smells like a flower, it's just so beautiful."

Little Johnny says, "well dad if that's what it looks before sex what does it look like after?"

His dad thinks about it for a second and then says, "well little Johnny... have you ever seen a pitbull eating a jar of mayonnaise?"

Got my dad to tell us a joke the other night...
Three women are in a coffee shop, discussing their fading sex lives. One of them mentions an article she read that said that men like to be surprised with costumes. The three women agree to test the theory and meet in a week to report their findings.

One week later, the three women all meet again in the coffee shop.

The first woman is ecstatic. "It worked! I dressed in a short, black skirt, with a tight, low-cut black uniform shirt. I wore black sunglasses, had a badge and some hand-cuffs. When my husband came home from work, he took one look at me and said 'Officer, I'll never confess!' I cuffed him right there and we had hot, passionate sex."

The second woman is even more thrilled. "I wore big, leather boots, some stirrups, a cowboy hat and leather chaps. When my husband came home from work, he took one look at me and shouted out, 'Yee-haw!' He took me right there in the entry way and we had hot, passionate sex."

The third woman is sullen. "I wore black leather boots that went high above my knees. I had a long, black cape, and a seductive black mask. Besides that, I wore nothing else. When my husband came home from work, he took one look at me and said 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"

A brother and his sister having sex together...
She tells him: -"You're better than dad."
He answers; -"I know, mum already told me!"

(Sorry if repost - that's one of my favorite filthy incest jokes. It had to be done)

Father and son bonding
A father and son are overlooking their pasture of sheep when the son goes "Dad, I want to go down there and have sex with one of those sheep" The dad says "Son, why don't we run down there and have sex with all those sheep?!"

What's you're favorite Dirty joke? ( I'll start)
So there was a little girl walking in the park with her mom The little girl sees two
birds having sex. Little girl asks what they are doing..... the mother says they are just baking cakes.
Then the little girl says I guess you and dad were baking cakes last night because I licked the icing off the couch.

Parents caught.
One night a little boy walks in on his parents having sex.

In the morning the little boy asks his mom what she and dad were doing last night.

She responds, "Oh! Uh...your father and I...uh....we were baking a cake..."

The little boy says, "Hmmm, thats strange but, ok!"

The next morning at breakfast the little boy asks his mom,

"Mom, were you and dad baking a cake again last night?"

Surprised, she says, "How did you know?"

The little boy responds, "Because this morning I found frosting on the couch and licked it off!"

Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!
A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.

"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

MOTHEREFFER! (language)
***Pardon the bad delivery***


A kid walks in the room to see his dad having sex with his mom. In a rage he runs out and goes to his grandma. He begins to peel her clothes of and mount her while she is kicking and screaming. The father runs in to see what the fuss is all about. The kid tell hims you fuck my mom i fuck yours.

Kids these days
A boy came home one day and told his dad, "dad dad! I had sex today!"

The proud father said, "that's great son, how was it"

The boy said, "great, but I wish my but didn't hurt so much"

It's dark
Little Johnny likes playing hooky quite often and he hides in his mom's closet until she takes a nap. One day he plays hooky as usual but today a strange guy comes over and he and Johnny's mom have sex. Right as they're finishing up johnny's dad comes home early so the man hides in the closet. The following conversation occurs:
"It's dark in here, huh?"
Shut up kid, I'm hiding.
"Wanna buy my baseball?"
No, shut up!
"I'm gonna tell my daddy on you for what you were doing to my mom"
Fine! I'll buy the damn ball if you shut up. How much?
" 300 dollars"
No way I'm paying that much!
" I'm gonna tell"
Fine, ya rip off! Here.

They swap the money and the ball.

A few days later the strange guy is back at it and Johnny's dad comes home early again and the guy hides in the closet again. The following conversation occurs:
"It's dark in here huh?"
Yeah. Shut up.
" wanna buy a baseball glove?"
No. Not this time.
"I'll tell daddy"
Fine. How much?
" 700 dollars"
No way!
"Yes or I'm gonna scream"

Needless to say, they swap cash for glove.

The next day Johnny's dad asks him if he wants to play catch. Johnny says "that'll be hard to do without my ball and glove." And his dad asks what happened to it. Johnny explains he sold them for $1000.
Infuriated, his dad brings him to church to confess.
He puts Johnny in the booth and the following conversation occurs:
" it's dark in here huh?"
Don't start that shit again you little rip off!

A fifty-five year old security guard told me this one.
A father and son are fishing and discussing life. The son looks up to his father and asks, "Dad, what's a vagina look like?" The father quickly responds, "Before or after sex?" The son thinks about it for a bit and say, "Um. Both."
The father says, "Well lets see. Before sex pussy is like a beautiful flower, ready to bloom and bring forth an intoxicating aroma."
The son says, "Well what about after sex?"
The father pauses and then says, "Well son... You ever seen a bulldog eating sour cream?"

Theory Vs. Reality
So a boy comes home from school and his dad asks him "Hey son, how was school?" the boy replies "Pretty good dad, but my last subject was about theory and reality... and to be honest, I didn't get it at all". The dad takes a seat and says "Son, let me teach you. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she would have sex with ANY man in the world, aside from me, for 1 million dollars." So the boy goes upstairs and asks his mother "Mom, would you have sex with any guy aside from dad for a million dollars?" to which the mother replies "Well, your sister is going off to college and we just took a second mortgage on the house... yeah, I'd do it." So the boy goes downstairs to his dad and says "dad, she said she would do it for a million dollars!" So the father goes "Alright son, now go upstairs and ask your sister if she would have sex with any guy but her boyfriend for a million dollars." the boy runs upstairs and asks his sister if she would have sex with any guy but her boyfriend for a million dollars... she instantly says yes. the boy runs downstairs again and says "dad dad, she didn't even hesitate, she would do it!"

So the dad says "You see son? In theory, we're sitting on two million dollars. but in reality, we're living with a couple of whores"

Jack & School
One day, Jack comes back from school and tell to his father:

* Dad, today I got an F at Literature.
* Why, Jack?
* Well, teacher told me to say a poem and I said her that poem you had learned me: "Sex is good / Sex is fine / Doggy Style & 69".
* And she gave you an F for that?
* Yes, dad!
* Don't mind her, kid... Teachers these days don't know anything.

Next day, same story:

* Dad, today I got an F at Maths.
* Why did you get it?
* Teacher asked me first "How much is two times three?" and I ansered "Six". Then he asked me "How much is three times two?"
* What the fuck is the difference?
* That's exactly what I said...

Next day, Jack comes home again after school and starts crying:

* Daaaad, they kicked me out of school.
* Why, Jack?
* My supervisor asked me to come and meet him after hours. When I got there, besides him, there were 3 of my teachers: Literature, Maths and Geography.
* What the fuck was your Geography teacher doing there?
* THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I SAID!!!

You've probably heard it before, but it is one of my favorites.
Timmy came home from school one day, and his father told him he was sick, and asked if Timmy could go to doctor and get him some sick pills. So on the way to the doctor Timmy is saying "sick pills, sick pills, sick pills", he runs into a tree "sex pills, sex pills sex pills". Timmy arrives and the doctor and says "my dad needs some sex pills". With an arched eyebrow the doctor gives Timmy the sex pills for his father. The doctor tells Timmy to make sure he tells his father to take 4 every 20 hours, So Timmy is walking down the road saying "4 every 20 hours, 4 every 20 hours, 4 every 20 hours". He runs into a tree. "20 every 4 hours, 20 every 4 hours, 20 every 4 hours" He gets home and tells his dad to take 20 every 4 hours. The next day Timmy runs back to the doctor and, the doctor says how is your father? Timmy says "Well my mom is dead, my sister is pregnant, my butt hurts, and dad is on the roof saying here kitty, kitty"!

Well.....
A man and a woman are having sex they finish up and the man goes for a smoke he sees a picture of a man on the woman's nightstand he asks hey is that a picture of your dad? The woman replies no silly that's not my dad The man asks is that your brother She replies no silly that's not my brother The man says Then who is it? The woman replies that's me before the operation

A boy asks his dad for help on a school project...
The dad asks him what the project is on. "It's about real versus virtual." The boy replies. The dad thinks for a second, then asks his son to follow him.

The dad approaches the little boy's mother and asks her, "Honey, if you were given $1 million, would you have sex with the neighbor?" The wife thinks for a few seconds, then says yes she would. The dad smiles and nods, then walks away calling his son to follow. "Dad, I don't get it, what does that have to do with anything?" The dad smiles at his son and keeps walking.

He approaches his daughter next and asks her, "Sweetie, would you have sex with the neighbor for $1 million?" The daughter replies without hesitation that she would. The dad and his boy walk out of the room, and he kneels down next to his son. The boy looks confusedly at his dad and says he still doesn't get it.

The dad says, "You see, *virtually*, we have $1,000,000, but in reality, we're just living with two whores."

A little boy walks into a whore house...
And he says to the pimp "I want to have sex with the prostitute that has the most STDs." The pimp says "Why on earth do you want STDs, kid?" The little boy answers "Well, I'm gonna have sex with this prostitute and get STDs, then I'm gonna go home and have sex with the baby sitter and give her STDs and then she's gonna put me to bed. My dads gonna come home and she's gonna have sex with my dad and give him STDs. She's gonna leave and when my mom comes home my dad's gonna have sex with my mom and give her STDs. And tomorrow when the mail man comes my moms gonna have sex with him and give him STDs and THAT'S the mother fucker that stepped on my FROG!"

Boy Walks In On Parents
who are in the middle of having sex. The mom was on top of the dad when he enteres and immediately jumped off when she saw the son enter. The boy turns and runs from the room and goes back to his bedroom to think about what he just saw. The mom grabs her robe and come into his room to try and explain what he saw.

Mom: Son, I know you are confused about what you saw but its really simple. You know your dad has a big stomach so every night I sit on it to make it go down.

Son: well thats the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Mom: (shocked) Well what do you mean?

Son: Well thats stupid because every day you go to work the neighbor comes over and blows it right back up.

Sixth Grader with a smile.
A sixth grader came home from school one day with a big smile on his face. Naturally his mother asked him, "Johnny, why are you smiling? "Johnny says "Well today I had sex with my English teacher." She's asks "Is that right? Well go to your room, you're grounded and your father will speak to you when he gets home!" 6:00 rolls around and Johnny's dad walks in and asks "Johnny, did you have sex with your English teacher today?" Johnny says " I sure did dad." Johnny's dad's lit up and he exclaimed " Son I'm so proud of you I'm taking you out for ice cream and a new bicycle!" And Johnny calmly says "Dad that's great but could you get me a new football instead? My ass is killing me."

A guy buys his first motorcycle.
The dealer tells him to keep a jar of Vaseline handy to rub on the chrome before it rains to prevent rusting.
A few months later, the young man's girlfriend invites him to dinner at her parents' house.
Before they go in, she explains their family tradition that whomever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break.
After 15 minutes, the young man decides to speed things up.
He leans over and kisses his woman in front of her family.
No one says a word.
Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her.
Silence.
Desperate, he grabs her mother and has sex with her on the table.
Suddenly, they hear thunder rumble in the distance.
The guy thinks of his bike and, instinctively, pulls the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket.
"OK, OK," says the father, "I'll do the dishes!"

A little boy is dragging a dead frog on a leash and goes to a whore house...
He walks in and asks the head mistress specifically for a whore with an std. The mistress confused asks the little boy why. The little boy says, "well when I go home my parents will go out and leave me with a babysitter and she will have sex with me and get it, then when my parents get home my dad will take the babysitter home, bang her on the way and get it, then he will get home and give it to my mom, then when my dad goes to work tomorrow she will have sex with the mailman and give it to him and that's the asshole that ran over my pet frog.

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future."
"I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny.
"Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said the dad.
"Okay then...good night" said Little Jonny went off to bed.
In the middleof the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying.
He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper.
So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help.
When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep.
Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, buthis dad wasn't there.
So he went to the maid's room.
When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid.
Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized somethingand thinks aloud,
"OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, andthe future is full of shit!"

A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents’ room, and he decided to investigate.
As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth.
“DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing?”
“It’s ok,” his father replied. “Your mother wants a baby, that’s all.”
The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.

Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his
father.
“DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing now?”
“Son, there’s been a change of plan,” his father replied.
“Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW.”

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex.
The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy."
"OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.
The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.
The father jumps up and quickly covers himself.
Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.
His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?"
Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby."
His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

A little boy wakes up in the middle of the night and walks into his parents room and sees them having sex.
The little boy, traumatized, runs out of the room crying.
"You should go check on him, thats really going to be something you need to explain," said the mother.
The father laughed it off with a traditional "he will get over it," and continued to chuckle about the whole situation.
After some additional prodding from the mother the father agrees to go talk to the little boy.
As he is walking down the hallway to his sons room he hears an empty thumping sound coming from his sons room.
Thump - Thump - squish - Thump- Thump.
The father, very confused, slams the door open and sees his son balls deep, pounding the shit out of his grandmothers asshole.
Just really going to town on it.
The father screams "What the hell are you doing?"
The boy replies, "It's not so funny when its your mom, is it?"

Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!
A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of
3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one
For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two
For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.

"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

The best thing about sex with your sister...
...is that if she gets pregnant, you can just blame your dad.

Duck a Fuck
A father gave his three sons a duck each and asked them to go and try to sell them for the best price.

The first son went out and sold his duck for $5, went home and told his dad what he had done. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer.

The second son also sold his duck for $5. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer.

The third son went out and saw a gorgeous blonde woman on the side of the road.

He went up to her and said I'll give you my duck if you have sex with me. She considered it and said Ok . They had sex and when they were done she said wow that was good, I'll give you your duck back if you'll do me again. The boy agreed. While they were having sex again, the duck got loose and ran out into the road.

They saw the duck escape and pulled their pants on but not quickly enough to prevent the duck from getting run over by a car. The driver jumped out of the car and said I'm so sorry i killed your duck. I'll give you $40 to make up for it.

When the third son finally returned home in the evening, his dad asked how much he had made.

He said I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and forty bucks for a fucked up duck.

Making cakes
A little girl and her mom were walking through the park when they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl asks her mom, "Mom, what are they doing?" The mom says, "They're making cakes."

Later, they go to the zoo. They see two monkeys having sex. The little girl asks her mom, "Mom, what are they doing?" The mom says, "...they're making cakes."

They go home and wake up the next morning. The little girl goes to her mom in the kitchen: "Mom, you and dad made cakes last night..."
The mom asks, "How do you know?"
The little girl says "...I licked the icing off the couch."

The "Talk"
The teenage son came home a saturday morning after begin at a party with some friends the night before.

His dad is in the kitchen, sees him and askes "How did it go son?"

"Good, good" the son replied "I had sex last night"

The father thought about the information for a couple of seconds, deciding it was now time to have the talk about the birds and the bees.

So they sat at the dinner table and had the talk.

When they were as good as done the father looked at his son "and remember, if you have any questions, never be afraid to ask"

"Well I have one" the son replied

"Yes?"

"For how long is my ass going to hurt this badly?"

What's the difference between
A sick kid coughing on his father, and a man who has sex with depressed people?

One gives sick to dad...

The best thing after an intensive argument is the peace-sex.

But I hate when I argue with my father-in-law.

My dad always thought ''Smells Like Teen Spirit" was about having sex.
"Here we are now, enter anus"

My teenage son brought his new girlfriend home last night so I gave him some sex advice.
"Spread her minge apart with your fingers and lick her clit," I said, "Then after a few minutes, spit on her arse, slip your cock deep inside and then pound the granny out of it."

"Oh cheers, dad!" he replied.

"No problem," I said walking out of his room, "Nice to meet you Sarah."

Paddy has a broken leg
Paddy has a broken leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "How ya doin?"

Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favor mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, my feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous twin daughters lying on the bed.

He says, "Your dad sent me up here to have sex with you both."

They say, "Get away with ya... prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of them?"

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of them, whats the point of fuckin one?"

Daddy, what's sex?
A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

So, her father sits her down and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections and wet-dreams. Then he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the whole works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell the truth.

The girl is quite awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks, "So what made you wish to know about sex?"

"Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

This woman is at her 95 year old fathers funeral
and she is sitting next to her 95 year old mother. While the eulogy is being read, the daughter leans over to her mother and says "Mom, you were there when dad died weren't you?" The mother said "Yes." The daughter asked, "Mom, how did he die?" The mother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were having sex." The daughter said "Mom! Don't you think that 95 years old is a little old to be having sex?! Don't you think that is a little irresponsible?!" The mother said "Well no, we found that the perfect time to do it was on Sunday because from our bedroom we could hear the church bells ringing. This was his perfect rhythm. He would go in on ding and out on dong, in on ding and out on dong. And he would still be alive today if that damn ice cream truck hadn't rolled by."

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
She whispers in his ear: "That’s me before the surgery."

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

Johnny comes back home from school and tells his father, "Dad, tomorrow you are invited to a special parent meetings at school."
"How much special?"
"Well, just me, you, the director and two investigators from the FBI."

Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asks what's wrong.
"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers.

Salesman: "Can I see your dad?"
Johnny: "No, he's in the shower."
Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?"
Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too."
Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?"
Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead."

Little Johnny comes home and tells his daddy, "

Dad, tomorrow there's a special 'Adults' evening' at school.
Daddy is surprised, "Really? Special?"
"Yes," nods Johnny, "it will be just you, the teacher, the headmaster and two police officers."

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.

Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, daddy really liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

Little Johnny comes downstairs crying.

His mother asked, "What’s the matter now?"
"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer," said little Johnny through his tears.
"That’s not so serious," soothed his mother.
"I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?"
"I did!" sobbed Johnny.

Little Johnny took sex ed and every day when little Johnny would come in from school he'll tell his dad for learning sex ed well one day we'll just come in and he said that I got thrown out sex ed Lil Johnny's daddy says how do you get thrown out sex ed Little Johnny said well Dad I got in trouble for eating during class.

Johny came crying.
Dad: "What happened?"
Johny: "Today at class when we got up from our seats for prayer, Rita, who sits in front of us, had her skirt stuck between her ass, seeing that my bench mate pulled it out."
Dad: "That's bad, but why you are crying?"
Johny: "I knew that's bad, so I pushed it back into her ass and she slapped me."

Little Johnny came home after school:
"Daddy, I have a bad grade in English language.

"
"Why?" asked his father.
"Well, the teacher asked us the following question: "Mary entered the forest with John and came out of the forest with Mike. What is Mary?"
"How come what Mary is? A whore, of course," said the father.
"That's what I said, but the teacher answered Mary was a subject."

Little Johnny's father farted.
The son asked his father: "What was that?"
His father said: "My sweet that is 'north wind'"
When he went to school the teacher asked the class: "Who knows the direction of the north wind?
Little Johnny shouted: "My daddy's ass!"

One day, Little Johnny was with his father at home.

He asked: "What does "evolution" mean?"
His father replied, "Figure it out."
Next day, at school, during a math test, a boy raised his hand: "What's 289+308?"
The teacher said: "Figure it out."
Ten minutes later, Little Johnny looked at the boy and said: "Why don't you write "evolution"? Your teacher already told you!"

On Sunday little Johnny with his dad went for bathing.

The ground was slippery.
So poor boy for avoiding of knocking down grabbed his father's penis.
His father smiled and told him: "Oh boy you are lucky. If you were with your mother you were concussion!"

Little Johnny: "Dad why your dick's hairs are black but the hairs of your head are are going to be white?"
Dad: "My dear the first one is thinking but the second is enjoying."

Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board.
On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "It was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."

Teacher: "Who can tell a story?"
Little Johnny: "Our maid's ass."
Teacher: "Why?"
Little Johnny: "Last night daddy touched her ass and was whispering: 'A wonderful story.'"

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future."
"I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny.
"Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said the dad.
"Okay then...good night" said Little Jonny went off to bed.
In the middleof the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying.
He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper.
So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help.
When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep.
Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, buthis dad wasn't there.
So he went to the maid's room.
When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid.
Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized somethingand thinks aloud,
"OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, andthe future is full of shit!"

Little Johnny is sitting in class, the teacher is going over vocabulary words.

She asks the class to use a word in a sentence.
The teacher says the word is "contagious".
Johnny is waving his arm up and down, no other students have their arm up.
The teacher figures there is no way Johnny can come up something rude for this word, and she calls his name to use the word in a sentence.
Johnny says the other day, my dad and I were driving down the freeway and woman was painting a billboard, she was using a very small brush.
The teacher says "what does this have to do the word contagious?"
Johnny says "my dad turned to me and said: 'Son it is going to take that "cunt-ages" to paint that billboard with that little brush!'"
The teacher says, "never again!"

A teacher asks the children to discuss what their fathers do for a living.

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer.
He puts the bad guys in jail."
Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor.
He makes all the sick people better."
All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.
Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"
Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?"
"He turned blue and shit on the carpet."

One day while Johnny's dad was just getting out of the shower Johnny looked down and said, "Dad what's that hanging between your legs?"
"Oh Johnny that's my nerve and your's will be this big one of these days", replies Johnny's dad.
Anyway the next day while in school Johnny really had to pee so he raised his hand and said, "Miss I really need to go to the bathroom."
"No, not yet there's someone gone", says his teacher.
Not able to hold it in Johnny walks to the garbage can and starts to pee.
Surprised to see her student peeing in a garbage can in front of the whole class the teacher says, "My Johnny you have some nerve!"
Johnny says,"That's nothing you should see my fathers."

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully, he said.
"Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."
Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."
"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher.
The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."

Little Johnny was going to his faters house one day and he was packing everthing in his room and putting it in his little red wagon.
He was walking to his fathers house with his wagon behind him, when he came to this hill.
He started up the hill but was constantly swearing "This damn thing is so heavy"
A priest heard him and came out.
"You shouldn't be swearing" said the priest.
"God hears you...He is everywhere...He's in the chruch...He's on the sidewalk...He's everywhere"
Then Little Johnny says "Oh is he in my Wagon"
The priest replies "Yes Johnny God is in your Wagon"
Little Johnny says "Well tell him to get the hell out and start pulling"

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

Robot Slapper
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.



**DAD:** Son, where were you today during school hours?

**SON:** At school **Robot slaps son*

**SON:** OK, I went to the movies.

**DAD:** Which one?

**SON:** Toy Story **Robot slaps son again*

**SON:** OK, it was Day with a Porn Star

**DAD:** WHAT? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was! **Robot slaps dad*

**MOM:** HAHA! After all he's your son. **Robot slaps mom*

Boy should start having sex.
Son, a boy your age should start having sex. I want you to give it a try. Find someone at school and just go for it.

The next day:
Dad, dad, I fucked my teacher!
That's great son, but can you do it again?

Sure I can. And he does, again and again.
This goes on for the entire week.

On Friday Dad comes home with a gift. Son, I'm so proud of you that I bought you a new bike. Let's go for a ride.
I can't dad, my butt's too sore.

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.

We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

A 5 year old black boy walks up to a 5 year old white boy and says, "My daddy's goy a car.

When he honks the horn it goes 'honkey honkey'".
Little white boy says, "shit, my daddys got a chain saw when he starts it up it goes 'run nigga nigga run'".

Man: "How old is your father?"
Boy: "As old as me.

"
Man: "How can that be?"
Boy: "He became a father only when I was born."

My kid and I were in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinal to his right, my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims, "Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot bigger than yours!"
The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me.
So I put my hand around my kid and told him
"Well son, that's because daddy isn't aroused by men."

Son: "Daddy; why some of your hairs have turned white?"
Father: "Every lie told by you makes one of my hairs white."
Son: "Oh now I understood why all grandfathers' hairs are white."

"I just had sexed in school today, dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my 16th biurthday, my boyfriend will die."
"Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will."

While my six-year-old daughter of the space age and I were reviewing some old photographs, we came across a picture of me when I was a captain in the Army Reserves.
“Daddy, were you in a war?”
“Yes,” I fibbed, just to see what her reaction would be.
Wide-eyed, she gasped, “Against what planet?”

A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies I just did some homework. The robot slaps the son. The son then says Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.

Dad asks What movie were you watching? The son replies Finding Nemo . The robot slaps the son. He then says Okay, okay. We were watching porn.

Dad said What?! At your age I didn't know what porn was. The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says Wow. He certainly is your son.

The robot slaps the mother.



^

It's a fricken elephant!
A little boy, just about the age of 3, was playing with his toy elephant and his dad comes up to him and says "What do you have there son?"

The boy responds with, "It's a fricken elephant!"

The dad in shock asks him, "What was that?"

"Dad, it's a fricken elephant!!"

Then the mother comes over and asks the little boy what he said and he responds with the same answer, "It's a fricken elephant!!"

Then the grandfather comes over to the parents and says, "Well he sure does like that AFRICan Elephant I got him."

4-year-old: Why are you my dad?
Me: Because I made you.

4: How?
Me: ...
4: O.o
Me: ...
4: O.O
Me: With Legos.

A Computer Engineer was asked by his five-year-old son:
"Dad, what is Windows 95?"
"Well, it’s 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition."

Daddy! I am hungry! I want to eat!
You should be ashamed, son. When I was your age, I wanted to be an astronaut.

Little Johnny getting Married!
Little Johnny (age 9) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.

His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Little Johnny him, "How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?"

He replies, "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do ok."

His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?"

Little Johnny answers, "Well, so far, we've been lucky..."

Little Johnny
Little Johnny's father asked him, (Little Johnny, now aged 10), "Do you
know about the birds and the bees?"

"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa'
speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then
at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're
going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing
left to live for!"

A son and the dad are walking around on the streets.

The dad stops the son and says, "Son, if you don't stop masturbating, you are going to go blind."
The son says, "Dad! I'm over here!"

One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.
"I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver.
"No way! Get lost!" replied the boy.
"How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked.
"I said no way," replied the boy.
"What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver.
"No, I’m not getting in the car," answered the boy.
"Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the driver offered.
"No!" replied the boy.
"What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver.
The boy replied: "Listen, Dad: You bought the Volvo-you live with it!"

One of my favorites, probably a repost...
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. So he decides to try it out at dinner.

DAD: Son, where were you today during school?

SON: At school *robot slaps son*

SON: Ok, I went to the movies.

DAD: Which one?

SON: Toy Story *robot slaps son again*

SON: Ok, it was A Day with a Porn Star.

DAD: WHAT?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was. *Robot slaps dad*

MOM: HAHA!! After all he is your son, *Robot slaps mom*





**

This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes Dad, what is it?"
"Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…"

Got this one in a forward from my dad - I did not see that one coming.
 

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD..

WELL .. . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS MARY , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.


COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.


THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.


AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.


WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.


HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'


YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.


THEN, THAT UGLY,



OLD,



BALDING,



WRINKLED FACED,



FAT-ASSED,



GRAY-HAIRED,



DECREPIT



SON-OF-A-BITCH



ASKED

"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?

Lie detector robot
So a Dad builds a lie detecting robot that slaps anyone when they lie. He's been suspicious of what his son has been up to lately.

So they are sitting at the dinner table, the mum, the dad, the son, and the robot.
The dad asks his son "So where were you last night?"
The son replies "I was at the library"
*the robot slaps the son*
Son: "Fine, I was at Geoff's house"
Dad: "And what were you two doing?"
Son: "studying of course"
*robot slaps the son*
Son: "ok we were watching movies"
*robot slaps the son again*
Son: "Fine! we were watching porn ok?"
Dad: "I'm disappointed in you, when I was your age we didn't even know what porn was."
*the robot slaps the dad*
Embarrassed the Dad says "Well I certainly wasn't watching it!"
*the robot slaps the dad again*
The Mum starts chuckling at the end of the table and says "He's definitely your son"
*And the robot slaps the Mum"

Guess my age
Ok so there was a little boy that just turned 8 years old and he wanted to see if anyone in the family knew his age before his party. So he walked up to his dad and asked him "dad how old am I" his dad thought a little and said "i dont know" and the boy said he was 8. Then he walked up to his grandma and said "how old am I" and the grandma thought a little then she slipped her hand down his pants and she fondled a good 2 hours then finally said "your 8" and the boy said " how do you know" the grandma says "I heard you tell your father"

Lie Detector Robot
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
"Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son!
"Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" the son says "What dvd?" asks the father "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again!
"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son. "What!? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad!
Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son." Robot slaps the mom!
Awkward Silence

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

When I was a kid, my family was very poor. My dad had to get a second job in the sandpaper factory.
Those were rough times.

^(Made that myself. I'm rather proud.)

So there's this incest family...
and the daughter wants to take the car out for the evening. She asks her father for permission and he says "Sure honey, but you have to suck my dick before you can take it." This being a normal custom she says "Okay" and starts the process. As she's doing the dirty deed she complains to her dad that his dick tastes like shit, to which her dad replies, "That's right, I forgot your brother has the car tonight."

An Amish family visits a mall...
...the mother strolls along an aisle and experience modern life. The dad and the son, however, encounters an elevator.
"What is that, father?", the son asked.
"I don't know either, my son", replied the father, "Let's see what they use it for".
They then see an ugly, fat woman trudge into the elevator. The door shuts, and after a few minutes, a pretty lady walks out alone.
The father then said: "Go get your mother".

Tis the season. (Please don't hate me, it's just a joke.)
Christmas time. Valium and wine. Children indulging in serious crime. With dad on the weed and mum's high on crack. Christmas is special when your family is black!

Gay Sons
Son said to Dad ''I'm Gay'' Dad looks at his other son and said ''What about you'' Other son said ''Me too Dad'' Dad said Fuck me doesn't anyone in this Fuck'n family like Pussy. Daughter said ''I do''

stormtrooper family dinner
So a stormtrooper tells his son its time for dinner.
the boy asks his dad "what are we having?"
"Wookie meatloaf." He replied.
After a few minutes of eating, the stormtrooper asks his son "How is it?"
"It's chewy."

At a family breakfast the following conversation takes place between a Dad and his 7 year old son.



Son: Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?

Dad: They're balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven.

Son: Really? Because Uncle Frank was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying Oh God, I'm coming but she didn't float anywhere..

How little stefan got a brand new watch..
Little Stefan comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch. His best friend, little Jenny, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tell his story," I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent's bedroom.

I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn't tell the family. I asked for a new watch and here it is."

Jenny decides she wants one too, so night after night she listens outside her parents' bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually she hears some banging and groaning from the other side of the door.

She walks in and catches her parents in the act, so her dad offers her anything she wants to keep quiet about the whole affair. Jenny immediately says, "I want a watch."
The dad sighs and says, "Alright, but go and stand in the corner and don't make any noise . "

Son: "Daddy; why some of your hairs have turned white?"
Father: "Every lie told by you makes one of my hairs white."
Son: "Oh now I understood why all grandfathers' hairs are white."

Couple of racist jokes my dad told me(not racist just found them funny)
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza
One screams when it hits the oven

What's the difference between a black guy and a pizza
A pizza can feed a family

Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad - "Hmm.

You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

"Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home."
"That's perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment."

A man and wife were making love.
When thay saw there 8 year old son at the door crying the dad started laughing and the boy ran away.
Mom said "You better fix this now."
The dad couldn't find the boy anywhere unwell he hurd a loud noise conning from grandma's room so he opened up the door and there was the boy putting his "wood" to grandma.
The dad screamed "What the fuck."
The boy said "It aims so funny when it's your mom is it."

A father was advising his son: "

If you want to have a big and strong dick in future you have to eat more walnuts."
Suddenly son's mother by an angry face shouted: "Why when you were child did'nt eat enough walnut yourself?"

So a Jewish family has a baby!
It's a beautiful baby boy, and they love him very much. The dad wants to know, however, what the little boy will grow up to be like. So he takes the baby to the Rabbi, who says that there's a simple test. On a long table, the Rabbi places a stack of money, a bottle of whiskey, and a Torah. "If your son crawls to the money, he'll have a good job as a banker, and take care of you and your wife until you're dead and gone. If he goes for the whiskey, he's no good, a drunk, might as well drop him at the orphanage on the way home for all the good he'll do you. Finally, if he picks up the Torah, he'll be a Rabbi like me. A good, honest, man of God."

So the father puts the baby on the table, and the baby picks up the money. "YAY!" they cheer, as the baby starts crawling again. Now, the Rabbi looks worried. The baby now picks up the bottle of whiskey with its other hand. "Oh no" says the Rabbi. They then watch as the baby crawls again, and also picks up the Torah. "NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!" the Rabbi cries. "WHAT IS IT??? What's wrong with my son?!?!" the father panicks.

"I'm so so sorry, but your son is going to be the worst thing of all!" says the Rabbi. "Your son is going to be a Catholic!"


[

Racist jokes my dad told me
Whats the difference between a black guy and a pizza

A pizza can feed a family

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner.

This is tobe her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud,but everyone at the table heard thepouf.
Before she even had a chanceto be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".
A few minutes laterthe woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing!
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

A Family of Balloons
There was once a family of balloons; Balloon Dad, Balloon Mum and Balloon Jr. As Balloon Jr was only very young he was still getting used to sleeping the whole night in his own bed. Mum and Dad would always say that he is now too big and he simply must stay in his own bed! One night Balloon Jr just couldn't take it anymore he HAD to sleep in his parents bed so he crept in to their room, but looking up at the bed he could see that there really wasn't enough room for him to fit in. To solve this problem he decides to let a little air out of his dad, a little air out of his mum and quite a lot of air out of himself. The next morning the parents are very disappointed, Balloon Mum says to Balloon Jr

"You've let me down, you've let your father down, but most of all, you've let yourself down."

A little boy wakes up in the middle of the night and walks into his parents room and sees them having sex.
The little boy, traumatized, runs out of the room crying.
"You should go check on him, thats really going to be something you need to explain," said the mother.
The father laughed it off with a traditional "he will get over it," and continued to chuckle about the whole situation.
After some additional prodding from the mother the father agrees to go talk to the little boy.
As he is walking down the hallway to his sons room he hears an empty thumping sound coming from his sons room.
Thump - Thump - squish - Thump- Thump.
The father, very confused, slams the door open and sees his son balls deep, pounding the shit out of his grandmothers asshole.
Just really going to town on it.
The father screams "What the hell are you doing?"
The boy replies, "It's not so funny when its your mom, is it?"

A girl asks her dad to borrow the family car...
The dad says fine, "but you have to suck my dick." She says, "Come on dad, I need to use the car!" "That's fine but you have to suck my dick first." She agrees and starts going down on him, she quickly comes up and starts spitting, "Dad your dick tastes like shit!" Dad says, "That's right, I'm sorry but your brother is using the car tonight."

What are the odds?
Daughter: Dad, I'm a lesbian
Dad: Its cool
2nd Daughter: Dad, I'm also a lesbian
Dad: OMG! Does anyone in this family like dick?
Son: I do!"

After my dad died in WWII...
My family moved to America. I was still young so I don't remember a lot about it. I ended up going to the University of Maryland-College Park. My first couple of days there were nice and I was getting to know a lot of people. However, I was slowly beginning to realize that the athletes weren't the most popular people on campus. It was actually the brothers of a Jewish fraternity. I began to realize that they gathered every Tuesday to tell stories about their family in WWII. People would show up and listen and every night the brothers of this fraternity had a different woman in bed with them. They were using sympathy to get sex! I thought it was an amazing idea. I started telling people that I was Jewish. I would bring it up whenever I could hoping one of them would here me. One day, they did. A brother overheard a conversation I was having and invited me to join them on the next Tuesday. I was amazed! I showed up and it got started. Everyone was telling stories and it finally came to me. I started, "My dad actually died in a concentration camp". A couple of the guys look at me and ask, "Which camp?" Shit, I think. I don't know any camps. "Auschwitz" I say. "Wow, that place was bad. My Uncle was there." One of the brothers says. A guy looks at me, "How did he die?" It gets really quiet and everyone looks at me. I put my head down and say, "He fell out of the guard tower..."

little johnny likes to gamble.
Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

Politics, explained.
A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let Me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the Family, so call me The President
Your mother is the Administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, We will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
The Future is in deep shit..

A nervous young man arrives for the first time at the house of his new girlfriend...
A nervous young man arrives for the first time at the house of his new girlfriend, and is greeted at the door by her father and Baron, the family dog. The young man is invited to sit in the living room to visit with the dad while his date is getting ready upstairs, and Baron wags his tail and sits companionably next to the young man.

The two men chat for a few minutes, and as time goes by, the young man begins to feel more and more uncomfortable- a huge fart is welling up in the recesses of his abdomen. He tries valiantly to suppress it, but finally decides that he can probably safely release it into the cushioned seat, and does.

"Baron!" the dad exclaims.

The relieved young man thinks to himself, "Oh, good. He thinks it's the dog."

They chat on for a minute or two longer, and the young man feels the urge to fart another time, and silently fills the room a second time with a noxious cloud.

The dad again speaks sharply to the dog, "Baron!"

The young man, emboldened by his prior successful gaseous emissions, does so yet again.

"Baron!' the dad shouts loudly this time, "Get away from that man before he shits all over you!"

Jesus is the son of God.
God is the son of Chuck Norris.

This one is best said out loud.
A young boy wakes up on his birthday and heads downstairs. His family is poor, so his dad can only give him a duck and send him to town to trade for a gift.

Along the way, he runs into a prostitute who is heading home after a quiet night. The prostitute says "Hey kid, how'd you like to have some fun?"

The kid only has the duck to trade, but the prostitute agrees. Afterward, the prostitute is so impressed by the kid that she wants to have sex again. He doesn't really want to, so she offers him the duck to do it again and he agrees.

As the kid is walking back home with his duck, a truck comes flying around the corner and just misses him, but completely squashes the duck.

The truck driver jumps out of the cab and says, "Oh no, kid, I'm so sorry! Let me pay for the duck. Here's $24. It's all I have."

The kid shrugs and takes the money and heads home where his Dad greets him at the door. "So, did you have a fun birthday?"

"Sure did, Dad. I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 24 bucks for a fucked-up duck."

While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him.
Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family: "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"
"What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly.
Proudly she replied: "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

Son: "What are you going to be for Halloween dad?"
Me: "Drunk"
Son: "What's mom gonna be?"
Me: "Mad"

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism.
Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government.
We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people.
The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future.
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Guess my age
Ok so there was a little boy that just turned 8 years old and he wanted to see if anyone in the family knew his age before his party. So he walked up to his dad and asked him "dad how old am I" his dad thought a little and said "i dont know" and the boy said he was 8. Then he walked up to his grandma and said "how old am I" and the grandma thought a little then she slipped her hand down his pants and she fondled a good 2 hours then finally said "your 8" and the boy said " how do you know" the grandma says "I heard you tell your father"

Dad and son at the Doctor
A man and his son are at a doctor appointment.

Their longtime family doctor enters and says "What seems to be the problem," and the dad answers "This is pretty embarrassing Doc but we hired a new Brazilian maid and turns out my son has been messing around with her... and I think he's got herpes."

The doctor says "Don't worry Sir I'll write your son a prescription and he'll be alright. Is there anything else you need?" The dad replies "Well there is something else... I've also been messing with the maid and I think I have it too"

"Don't worry I'll write you and your son a prescription and you can pick them both up today. Anything else?"

"Well Doc, last night I had sex with my wife and now I think she has it..."


"Damn it, now we've all got it!"

family dinner
A family of five is having dinner.

After dinner the eldest son stands up and says: "Mom, dad I have something to tell you." His parents look at him and await what he has to say. " I've known for a while now, but I've decided to tell you guys. I'm gay."

The Father is pissed and about to shout at him, but the mother calms him down. "Its good that you decide to be open about, son. Your father and I apreciate your honesty and will support you, right dear?"

The father is cornered and reluctantly agrees. The other son of the family now stands up and says: " What a coincidence, I'm gay too."

At this point the father snaps and shouts: " Are none of you attracted to hot babes?" The daughter then stands up and says: " Yes dad, I am."

Thanksgiving Dinner
Thanksgiving dinner and all of the family is around.

A little boy wonders upstairs and stumbles upon his dad shaving. His dad slips shaving and cuts himself and exclaims "Shit!"

The little asks "Daddy what does that mean?"
The father replies " Oh, it is just means the shaving cream, that's all. No run along"

He wonders downstairs and stumbles upon his Mom and his Grandpa playing cards. The grandpa loses and yells "You Bitch!"
The little boy inquires "Grandpa what does that mean?" Grandpa replies "It is just a term used for playing cards, now run along."

He wonders into the kitchen and sees his grandma carving the turkey and she slips and cuts her self and shouts "Fuck!" The little boy inquires "Grandma what does that mean?" She replies " It is just an expression for cutting the turkey"

The door bell rings and the little boys answers it and it is his aunt and uncle.

He answers the door and proceeds to tell them what everyone is doing.

"Hi, my dad is upstairs putting shit on his face, my mom is downstairs bitching to my grandpa, and grandma is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

A family is having dinner at the table one evening, when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering...
"Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions."

The son is confused and asks, "Onions?"

The father replies, "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

The wife and daughter are really annoyed by what their father has said, so the daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?"

The mother smiles and says, "Well honey, a man also goes through three phases in life too. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty, strong and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it becomes more like a birch, flexible but reliable. But after 50, it's like a Christmas tree."

The daughter laughs and asks, "A Christmas tree?"

The mother replies, "Yes, dear. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

A small boy asks his Dad, "Dad, what are politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."

Dinner at robots family
Mum, dad and little robot.
Little robot asks his mom - What we'll have for dinner today.

Mom replies: SCREW.

PTA Meeting
Three fathers are waiting around at a PTA meeting. They are mulling over life, family and education over by the coffee and the doughnuts until the first dad says, 'I recently taught my son Ben about Taxes. Gee, I wish I hadn't though. Every time I ask him to get me a beer now, he cracks open a tinny and downs half. He then proceeds to say, "There's your beer tax Daddy!"'

The second father laughs. 'Yeah, that sounds like when I taught my Daughters Rose and Violet about Unions. They've been on strike ever since, refusing to do dishes and laundry until they get better pay and more candy!' He chuckles again, retreating into his mug of Coffee.

He looks up again and asks the third man what he's done around the home to help his Daughter. He replied, 'Well, I'm starting to regret teaching Mercedes about Prostitution.'

A family of three goes to the zoo.
Mom, Dad, and their little daughter.

They come to the elephant enclosure. And just as they approached, it so happened that elephant had a boner at that moment.
Curious, little girl asked: "mommy, why does the elephant have 5 legs?"
Mom awkwardly says: "well, I think it's better if you ask your dad."
Dad: "well, sweetie, I guess it's time you learn about this. This is not a leg honey, it's elephant's weener"
Mom immediately says: "honey, weener is what you dad has. What the elephant has is a cock."

What is Politics?
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

A man installs a lie detector app on his smartphone and shows it off to his family at the dinner table.
Then as they begin eating he asks his son, "So, what have you been doing this afternoon?"

"Just working on my research paper, Dad..."

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.*

"Okay, I was on the Internet, looking at pictures of kittens and stuff..."

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.*

"All right, I was looking at PORN, okay?"

The father shouts, "OKAY?!? Young man, when I was your age, I didn't know what 'porn' *was*!"

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.*

The mother laughs and shakes her head. "Well, he's certainly your son..."

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.*

The Redneck Family Car (nsfw)
So, there is a redneck family that lives in the Mississippi backwoods, and this family shares a car. One afternoon, the youngest girl in the family approaches her father:

Daughter: "Pa, I was thinkin about runnin into town to meet some friends, think it'd be alright if I used the car?"

Dad: "Well sugar, you know what the rules are, get on your knees and suck daddy's dick."

The girl goes down and pulls out her father's penis, when she stops immediately.

Daughter: "Pa! Your dick smells like shit!"

Dad: "Oh, ya know what?! Your brothers got the truck!"

new family robot
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."The robot slaps the mother.Robot for sale.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, What are politics?...
Dad says, Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now. The father says, Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.
The little boy replies, Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

A father tucks his son in
A father goes upstairs to tuck his son into bed. As he reaches his son's door, he hears his son praying "Dear God please look after mum, dad, grandma and byebye grandad. The father thought the prayer was a little strange but nothing more. The next morning the family gets a phonecall that grandad had dies of a heartattack. The father remember his sons pray and was a little worried but he shrugged it off. A couple of weeks and the father goes to tuck his son in, sure enough he hears his son praying " Please God look after mum, dad and byebye grandma. The next morning the family gets a phonecall that grandma had of a stroke. The father is worried about this but still shrugs it off. A couple more weeks pass and the father goes to tuck his son in. He hears his son praying "Dear God please look after mum, byebye daddy. Now the father freaks out about his, he doesnt sleep at all that night and when he goes to work he cant do anything becaise of his worrying. Whem he gets home he says to his wife "you wouldnt know how much of a i've had a terrible day i had today". Too which his wife replies "you think you had a bad day? I found the bloody postman dead on our doorstep!!"

A happy family.
Son: Dad, I like this awesome girl and want to date her.

Dad: Who is she?

Son: Our next door neighbor's daughter, Sandra.

Dad: Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that son. I have to tell you something but promise me that you will not tell your mom. Sandra is actually your sister.


The boy is obviously bummed out. He finds another girl, but dad tells him that is his sister too. This happens a few more time and he gets frustrated. So he decides to tell his mom.


Son: Mom, I am so mad at dad. I fell in love with 4 girls but can't date any of them because dad is their father.

His mom hugs him affectionately and says,

Mom: Son, you can date anybody you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father.

Onions and Christmas Trees
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s , they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

A jewish couple from Israel moves to the US...
... And their neighbours (an american family) start noticing that the couple do everything that the family does because they want to fit in.
If they start trimming the hedges, the couple start trimming the hedges.
If they eat dinner outside, the couple eats dinner outside.
The family doesn't think much of it since the neighbours are friendly and are just trying to fit in.

Then one day the dad in the family decides to go out and wash their car with the hose.
And as expected not long after the jewish man comes out to his car.
Except he has a saw and he starts sawing in the front end of the car.
"What the hell are you doing?" the dad asks.
"Hey! You baptise your car. I circumcise mine!"

Family is driving... (don't know how old this but I laughed)
A family is driving along the highway when all of a sudden someone throws a dildo out of their window.

The dildo lands with a bang on the families windshield and everyone gets a big fright. With horror in their eyes the parents stare at each other and the father turns on the wipers, but it's too late and their son asks "Dad, what was that?".

He thinks on his feet and answer "It was just a big insect, son", thinking that they would avoid an awkward conversation.

The son, still puzzled answers "Damn... DID YOU SEE THE SIZE OF IT'S DICK!?"

Little Johnny at the Farm
Little Johnny lives on a farm with his family. One evening the family notices that one of the donkeys had manage to get out of the stables.

Johnny's dad tries to lead the donkey back into the stables but the stubborn animal will not budge. Johnny's mom tries to coax the donkey with carrots and hay, but the donkey just ignores the food.

Seeing his parents becoming increasingly agitated at the stubborn animal, Johnny offers to try and get the donkey back into the stables. He quickly fetches a pail of water from the trough and proceeds to dump it over the donkey's head. Both of his parents stare in awe as the donkey calmly saunters back into the stables and gently closes the door behind itself.

Still in disbelief at what he just saw, Johnny's father asks Johnny, Son, how did you know to do that?

Johnny replies, I was walking past y'alls bedroom last night when I overheard ma telling you, 'If you wet the head first, it'll go right in.'

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully, he said.
"Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

A guy buys his first motorcycle.
The dealer tells him to keep a jar of Vaseline handy to rub on the chrome before it rains to prevent rusting.
A few months later, the young man's girlfriend invites him to dinner at her parents' house.
Before they go in, she explains their family tradition that whomever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break.
After 15 minutes, the young man decides to speed things up.
He leans over and kisses his woman in front of her family.
No one says a word.
Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her.
Silence.
Desperate, he grabs her mother and has sex with her on the table.
Suddenly, they hear thunder rumble in the distance.
The guy thinks of his bike and, instinctively, pulls the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket.
"OK, OK," says the father, "I'll do the dishes!"

Deer Hunter.
A sportsman, and father of 3 sons, was anxious to share his latest kill with his family for Sunday dinner.
He didn't want his sons to refuse tasting the delicious venison, so he sat the boys down to dinner without telling them what the meat was they were about to eat.
"Oh come on Dad," said the oldest son. "What is this meat?"
"Just taste it," said the father, "You will love it."
The boys eyed each other nervously and put a piece of the meat on their forks.
"Give us a little hint.", pleaded the second son.
"Only if you take a bite.", said the father.
As each boy took a cautious bite of the venison, the father continued, "Let me think, your mother calls me this from time to time."
The oldest boy shouted, "Spit it out boys, it's asshole!"