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Cutting Wood Jokes

62 cutting wood jokes and hilarious cutting wood puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cutting wood that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Cutting Wood Short Jokes

Short cutting wood jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cutting wood humour may include short chopping wood jokes also.

  1. I can cut a piece of wood in half by only looking at it It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
  2. I can cut a piece of wood in two pieces just by looking at it. It may seem impossible, but I saw it with my own two eyes
  3. What mathematical operation is used to calculate the rate at which lumberjacks cut wood? Logger-rhythms.
  4. I recently took up wood carving, and accidentally cut my finger. It's nothing serious. It's just a whittle cut.
  5. I can cut wood just by looking at it! I know it is hard to believe but I saw it with my own two eyes!
  6. You know how you can cut wood just by looking at it? You saw it. You saw it with your own two eyes.
  7. Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn had a huge argument over whether to circumcise their son Lindsey went downhill from there, but Tiger made the cut.
  8. Whenever I get stressed out I cut shapes out of wood with my jigsaw... A jigsaw is a great coping mechanism.
  9. Today, the tree my family planted 15 years ago died and had to be cut down. I'm mourning wood.
  10. What does a s**... use to cut wood? A saw dude

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Cutting Wood One Liners

Which cutting wood one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cutting wood? I can suggest the ones about cutting tree and carving wood.

  1. I can cut wood by staring at it. I saw it with my own eyes.
  2. It's true, I can cut a piece of wood just by staring at it I saw it with my own eyes
  3. I can cut wood using just my eyes It is true, I saw it with my own eyes
  4. I can cut this piece of wood just by looking at it. It's true. I saw it with my own eyes!
  5. I tried cutting wood by just looking at it, and it worked! I saw it with my own two eyes
  6. I can cut wood in half by looking at it intensely. I saw it with my own eyes.
  7. What do you call a knife made out of wood? A cutting board.
    ^(I just made that up)
  8. My wife asked me if I will cut a tree for her if she asked me to "I wood" was my answer
  9. A lumberjack lost his arm cutting wood. It was an axe-ident.
  10. I can cut wood with my eyes. I'm not lying! I saw it with my own eyes!
  11. cutting wood is like making music once you get in the groove, it gets easier
  12. Tiger Woods' girlfriend had a baby via C-section yesterday. He didn't make the cut.
  13. What did Jack Skellington say when he cut down 2000 lbs of wood? TIMBER-TON
  14. Chuck Norris can cut a saw with a wood board.
  15. What amount of wood should be cut? 4 stumps or 5 stumps? ... Axing for a friend.

Cutting Wood Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about cutting wood you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cutting down tree jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cutting wood pranks.

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.
His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
"Incredible!," says his friend.
"Medical science is amazing."
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.
Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.
"Incredible!," says his friend.
"Medical science is amazing!"
Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.
Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him.
He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday."
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

"your happiest memory..."

TV crew is shooting a reality series in a rural and mountainous area and they decide to interview this older man, John, who had lived there all his life. They ask him all sorts of questions, when finally the reporter says: "John, please explain to our viewers at home what your happiest memory is, as a man who has lived in this remote village all his life..."
- John: well, this one time Ed's donkey got lost in the woods, a group of us went up and searched for it. When we found it, we were so happy that we all had s**... with the donkey.
- reporter, turning red: what? cut! cut! cut! John, we cannot air something like that! Do you not have another happy memory?
- John: well, this one time Waldo's wife got lost in the woods, a group of us went up and searched for her. When we found her, we were so happy that we all had s**... with her.
- reporter, stupefied: cut! cut! cut! For Christ's sake John... you will get me fired. Never mind your happy memories... Why do you not tell us your saddest memory instead?
- John: well, this one time, I got lost in the woods...

Sawing Wood

So a gentleman walks into a Sears store to buy a saw. The store employee recommends to the customer a smal entry level chainsaw insisting that it will make the man's job much easier. The customer is reluctant at first but upon being assured that anyone can use a chainsaw he decides to make the purchase. So he took his new saw home and started cutting wood. But it took forever and was much slower than his trusty old hand saw. Irate, the man took his saw back to the store to complain to the employee about how bad it was. The employee checks the saw out briefly, sets it down and starts it right up. The customer was flabbergasted. "You mean it turns on and makes noise!"

Topical Jokes (5/21)

Here we are, once again. It's time for some laugh-words.
First up, we've got some big movie news. "Transformers 4" is now updating its cast. To appeal more to the US box office, the evil Decepticons will be played by menacing vending machines that won't let go of your Doritos.
More movie news, the trailer for the new "X-Men" flick shows that Wolverine will potentially face grave injury. The harrowing injury comes about when our hero forgets to retract his claws before wiping.
This is a cool story, a US Airways flight safely made a belly landing at Newark Airport. The plane was evidently taken down by heavy turbulence originating from Governor Christie's farts at a nearby Long John Silver's.
TV news, ESPN has been forced to take major layoffs and budget cuts. You can tell things are getting cheap as now the only athletic event they now can afford to cover is Tiger Woods dodging heels thrown by his exes.
In the political sector, Vice President Biden recently ribbed the president for always using a teleprompter. However, nobody seemed to ridicule Biden when he read his recent speech on healthcare reform off the back of a h**... napkin.
And finally, the new Xbox will utilize "the cloud" - so no matter where you are in the world, at any time, you can look up the fact that you lost a brave Call of Duty battle to a 13 year-old user named "GeneralFatPenis69".
Thanks for reading again, folks. I really appreciate it!

Little Johnny At The Park

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.
Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
He describes the car into the woods, the u**..., laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

A black man and a Czechoslovakian man are walking in the woods...

A black man and a Czechoslovakian man are walking in the woods when they are attacked by a bear. They take off running, and naturally the black man outruns the Czechoslovakian man. The bear tears the Czechoslovakian man apart and devours him.
The black man frantically sprints all the way to the nearest ranger station for help. He and the ranger head back out with a rifle to the exact spot where the Czechoslovakian was eaten and find not one, but two bears--a male and a female. The black man tells the park ranger that the male bear ate his friend, so the ranger shoots it and cuts open it's stomach, but finds nothing.
Lesson learned. Never trust a black man who says the Czech is in the male.

Two campers are hiking in the woods . . .

One is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other one says. He runs ten miles to the nearest town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby.
"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, s**... out the poison, then spit it out."
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony.
"What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.
"He says you're going to die."

How to carve a fish.

In the 70's in Scotland, there was a TV show called 'Weirs Way', where a man called Jim Weir would walk around the highlands, chatting with local characters.
One episode, he met an old man who carved elaborate walking sticks. Jim picked up a stick that had a beautiful leaping salmon for a handle, and said to the old man, "So tell me Archie, how would you go about carving something as intricate as this?"
The old man looked up from his workbench and said, "Well, it's surprisingly simple, Jim. First you take a piece of wood, then you just cut off all the bits that don't look like a fish".

Sad loss

I woke up early as the sun shined brightly through my bedroom window. Usually the light was filtered though the leaves of a beautiful old elm tree that had been in our backyard for generations. Yesterday we had to cut her down as she had been stricken with Dutch Elm Disease. I slowly wiped a tear away then thought to myself, "Why am I being so sentimental over a tree, it's just a simple piece if wood?" My wife sensing that something was wrong asked, "What's the matter honey?" I responded, "Oh nothing, I just never thought mourning wood could be so hard." She enthusiastically sat up and said, "Well, let's have a look. I'll be the judge of that."

A Sioux meets a Cowboy cutting some wood

The cowboy asks, "Hey fellow, can you tell me if it's going to be cold this winter?" The indian says "Yes. It will be cold."
The Indian swings by again watching the cowboy cutting wood. The cowboy asks, "really, pal, how cold and how long you think this winter will be?" "It will be very cold and very long!" the Sioux answers.
The following day, the indian comes back and the cowboy is going crazy again preparing for winter. This one goes, "you seem so sure about your forecast. What did you see that gave you the feeling that this winter will be so hard and cold?"
"Sioux have a say," the indian goes, "When white man cuts lot of wood, winter is long and xold."

I can't keep a steady job!

I worked in an orange juice factory but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
I worked in the woods as a lumber jack but I just couldn't hack it. They gave me the ax.
I worked as a tailor but I wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
I worked in a muffler factory but it was too exhausting.
I attempted to be a deli worker but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.
I worked as a musician but I found out I wasn't note worthy.
I worked as a doctor but I didn't have any patience.
I became a professional fisherman but I found out I couldn't live on my net income.
I worked as a pool maintenance worker but it was too draining.
I worked at the zoo, feeding giraffes, but I wasn't up to it.
I worked as a historian but found out that there's no future in that.
I worked at Starbucks but I quit because it was always the same old grind.

A man entered a wood cutting contest.

He'd been practicing a lot and really wanted to win. When he lost, he was so angry he threw the saw as far as he could into the forest. Unfortunately, it couldn't be found later. I guess you could say he was a saw
loser.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi...

...decide to have a friendly competition to see who is the best at their job. To make things interesting, they agree to see who is best at converting the bears in the local woods. A week passes, and they get together to compare notes.
The priest says, "I was walking through the woods and came upon a patch of berries where there was a bear, gathering berries. I walked up to the bear and I gave him the Holy Communion, and thus converted the bear".
The minister goes, "I too was walking through the woods, and came across a stream. There was a bear in the stream, catching fish. So I waded out to him, and baptized the bear right there, and so converting him."
The priest and minster look over to the rabbi, and this guy is in rough shape. He is in total traction, with a full body cast, cuts and scrapes on his face and hands.
"Oy," the rabbi says, "In retrospect, I shouldn't have led with the circumcision."

A blonde, brunette and ginger get lost in the woods

They make a shelter but start getting hungry so the brunette decides to go out hunting. She returns with a rabbit and the blonde asks "how'd you get that?", the brunette replies "Oh I just followed some tracks and found it"
The next day the ginger decides to go out hunting, she returns with a deer, and the blonde asks "how'd you get that?", the ginger replies "Oh I just followed some tracks and found it"
The next day the blonde decides to go out hunting, she returns covered in bruises and cuts, the brunette asks "what happened to you?" The blonde replies "I followed some tracks and got hit by a train".

A psychiatrist is being shown around a mental hospital.

After being shown around the corridors he walks into a room with two patients, one hanging from the roof upside down, and the other in the middle of the room cutting a piece of wood with a saw.
Doctor: Umm... What is it your doing?
First patient: What do you mean, what am I doing... Im sawing this piece of wood... What are you s**...?
Doctor: Okay... sorry... Well what about your friend over there?
First patient: Oh him... Don't worry about him... Hes a few sandwiches short of a picnic.... he thinks he's a light bulb....
Doctor: He's your friend... Why don't you get him down?
First patient: What, and work in the dark???

A woodsman walks into the woods

He finds a nice tree to chop down, AMD upon taking his axe the tree cries out
"WAIT! IM A MAGICAL TALKING TREE, DONT CUT ME DOWN"
He said "You ma uh be a talking tree but you will dialouge."

A lumberjack is walking through the woods one day...

...when he hears a strange noise, someone or something is... talking to him.

"Please..." the voice says, "Don't hurt me."

He stops, looks around, and notices one tree in the middle of a small clearing. "Are you a talking tree?" the lumberjack inquires.

"Yes... Please don't cut me down, I can help you. I'm a talking tree, for God's sake!" the tree answers.

The lumberjack hesitates, then says, "Yes, and you will die a log."

Good one from my dad: "I can cut wood by just looking at it"

Came up during a conversation about having a bonfire
Dad "Here's something you might not have known about me, I can cut wood by just looking at it"
Me, fully expecting a dad joke: "I don't believe you but would you care to elaborate"
Dad: "It's true! I saw it with my own eyes"
He giggled to himself for about 10 minutes after that one.

Why don't lumberjacks work n**...?

They might cut the wrong wood

Three neighboring sentient trees, an oak a maple, and an elm are cut down in the forest

They are taken to a local saw mill and turned into boards for housing. Miraculously wood from all three trees is used to build a roof on a barn. The oak is turned into a sturdy beam in the center of the roof, and despite the cutting and processing of the wood, thinks he can recognize the boards that became the maple and the elm being nailed together above him. Unsure however he asks
Haven't I seen you two by four?

An ax m**... is on a date with a girl, and he suggests a short cut through the woods to a special spot...

As they walk the sun starts to set.
The girl asks, Are we almost there it's getting dark?
The ax m**... says they're close and it's just a little further up.
They keep walking and get deeper and deeper into the woods.
All of a sudden there is a howl in the distance!
The girl say, Are we almost there I'm getting scared?!
The ax m**... says, >! YOU'RE scared? I have to walk out of here alone! !<

Two lumberjacks are having a conversation.

One of them says "You know, I can cut wood just by looking at it!"
The other replies "That's not possible! I don't believe you!"
The first says "I know, that it's hard to believe, but I'm telling you! I saw it with my two eyes!"