Cutting Jokes
153 cutting jokes and hilarious cutting puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cutting that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article looks at the use of "cutting" in jokes, such as references to cutting grass, a cutting board, cutting the cheese, and a cutting edge. Explore how these phrases can be used to create humorous stories, including the comedic aspects of cutting a finger, a tree, or onion. Learn the differences between a snip and a scissor and why it can influence the jokes and results. Discover the reasons why "cutting" jokes can be a form of comedic relief, particularly in emo culture.
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Funniest Cutting Short Jokes
Short cutting jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cutting humour may include short chopping jokes also.
- A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."
The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot." - A lumberjack once told me he's cut down 27,572 trees. How do ya know exactly how many? I inquired.
Easy. I keep a log. - Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut? "NASA: The Sky's The Limit"
- My 12 year old just told me a joke He said I've been trying to cut down the amount of video games I play, I'm only playing for 30 minutes before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 8 times.
- Just found out the local barber has been arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer of his for 15 years and I didn't even know he cut hair.
- A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree. It shouted, Wait! I'm a talking tree The lumberjack smiled, and you will dialogue .
- Elon Musk lands on mars and steps out of his spaceship ### "It's a small step for a man, but a giant leap for mankind," says the ground control officer and cuts off all communications.
- (from my 11 yo) What does Darth Vader say after cutting someone's head off with a lightsaber? "I find your lack of face disturbing."
- A transgender person cut me in line at the supermarket. You're LGBT, right? I asked.
You forgot about the 'Q', they replied bluntly.
No, I said, you did. - "Son, I don't think you're cut out to be a mime." "Was it something I said?" Asks the son.
"Yes."
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Cutting One Liners
Which cutting one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cutting? I can suggest the ones about sawing and trimming.
- I can cut down a tree just by looking at it It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
- "Son you're just not cut out to be a mime." "Is it something I said?"
"Yes." - 10 Ways to cut down on clickbait! Well, that wasn't one of them.
- How does a Mexican cut a pizza? With *little* *caesars*
- What is long, black and dangerous to cut into? the line at KFC
- I can't come up with any jokes about cutting down trees. I'm stumped.
- How does the man in the moon cut his hair? (From my 9yo child) Eclipse it.
- I can cut wood by staring at it. I saw it with my own eyes.
- What do you call a committee of emo kids? A cutting board
- How was the Roman Empire cut in half? With a pair of caesars.
- It's true, I can cut a piece of wood just by staring at it I saw it with my own eyes
- I can cut wood using just my eyes It is true, I saw it with my own eyes
- What is Jimmy McGill's favorite cut of meat? Chuck roast.
- How does the man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
- How does Harry Potter like his sandwiches to be cut ? Diagon alley
Cutting Tree Jokes
Here is a list of funny cutting tree jokes and even better cutting tree puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A lumberjack went to a magic forest to cut a Tree.. Upon arrival to the tree he started swinging at the tree.
"But, I'm a talking tree" said the tree.
"And you will dialogue" replied the lumberjack. - As a lumberjack i know i have cut down 2,718 trees. Because every time I cut one down I keep a log.
- How do lumberjacks know how many trees they have cut down? They keep a log!
- Did you hear about the lumberjack who got fired for cutting down too many trees ? He saw too much
- How do you get an emo kid out of a tree? You cut the rope
- It's unwise to cut down a forest on your own. It usually takes tree fellers or more.
- As a lumberjack, I know that I've cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
- How does a lumberjack know how many trees he cuts down in one day? He kept a log
- I cut down a tree by just staring at it. I saw it with my own eyes.
- Me to a ninja: Hey, can you show me how you precisely cut off tree branches with those throwing stars? Shuriken.
(Came up with this ex nihilo, please like)
Cutting Down Tree Jokes
Here is a list of funny cutting down tree jokes and even better cutting down tree puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A passer by asked a tree surgeon how many trees he has cut down... Surgeon: Exactly 178,794
Passerby: Wow, how do you know that?
Surgeon: I keep a log - How do you get a depressed person out of a tree? You cut the rope…
- How do lumberjacks know how many trees they've cut? They keep a log of each one.
- How do you get Donald Trump to cut down a tree? Tell him it's one of the pillars of our democracy.
- What did Wolverine use to cut down trees before he got the adamantium treatment? He used a huge axe, man.
- Why are three-dimensional objects so good at cutting down trees? They have three axes.
- What do you call a Massachusite who cuts down trees? _In a New England accent..._
A Boston lager.
.
.
.
.
.
I made this up yesterday in the car.
- I asked a lumberjack who many trees had he cut He said 23,679
I asked how do you know the exact number
He said I keep a log - I hurt my back while cutting down a tree. Guess you could say I have lumber problems.
- A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, Wait! I'm a talking tree!" The lumberjack grinned, And you will dialogue!"
Cutting Wood Jokes
Here is a list of funny cutting wood jokes and even better cutting wood puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I can cut a piece of wood in half by only looking at it It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
- I can cut a piece of wood in two pieces just by looking at it. It may seem impossible, but I saw it with my own two eyes
- I can cut this piece of wood just by looking at it. It's true. I saw it with my own eyes!
- I tried cutting wood by just looking at it, and it worked! I saw it with my own two eyes
- What mathematical operation is used to calculate the rate at which lumberjacks cut wood? Logger-rhythms.
- I recently took up wood carving, and accidentally cut my finger. It's nothing serious. It's just a whittle cut.
- I can cut wood just by looking at it! I know it is hard to believe but I saw it with my own two eyes!
- I can cut wood in half by looking at it intensely. I saw it with my own eyes.
- What do you call a knife made out of wood? A cutting board.
^(I just made that up) - You know how you can cut wood just by looking at it? You saw it. You saw it with your own two eyes.
Cutting Edge Jokes
Here is a list of funny cutting edge jokes and even better cutting edge puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a robotic emo that likes dark humor. Cutting edge technology
- Apple is releasing a new product called the iKnife. It's cutting edge technology.
- Knives are extremely advanced They are all cutting edge technology
- What do you call an innovation in scissors? Cutting-edge technology
- Sure, lightsabers are cutting edge technology but the Death Star is groundbreaking
- The Guillotine was supposed to be ahead of its time It had cutting edge technology
- What do you call a major advancement made by an emo? Cutting edge technology.
- Why don't we use swords anymore? Aren't they still cutting edge technology?
- I have a phobia of edges I'm going to start cutting corners to avoid them
- Guys I designed my own knife It uses cutting edge technology
(Also blue cheese)
Cutting Board Jokes
Here is a list of funny cutting board jokes and even better cutting board puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a council of Emo's? A cutting board.
- What do you call a flat goth girl? a cutting board
- How do you prepare and cook a carp for eating? Clean it. Put it on a wooden cutting board. Season. Bake for 15 minutes at 375 degrees. Throw the carp out and eat the cutting board.
- How did the carpenter know the board was cut in half? He saw it.
- Chuck Norris can cut a saw with a wood board.
Laughable Cutting Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about cutting you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean stabbing jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cutting pranks.
I was cooking last night and made a joke about being able to figure out the fractions in my head without cutting one of my fingers off. No one laughed.
Guess I wasn't appealing to the lowest common denominator.
A man and a boy go into a barbershop.
After getting his haircut, the man says, Now cut the boy's hair too. I'll be back soon.
When he's finished cutting the boy's hair, the barber says, When is your father coming back to pay?
The boy says, He's not my father. He met me in the street and asked if I wanted a free haircut.
I tried to buy admission to the World-famous Knife Museum...
...but people kept cutting in line.
A farmer couldn't tell his two horses apart...
...so he tried cutting the tail off one horse. This was no good because the tail grew right back. Then he cut the mane off the other horse. This didn't work either, because the mane grew back. Finally he measured them and found that the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse.
I've been cutting corners my whole life...
But now I am a well-rounded person, so it worked out pretty well.
When I was a kid...
... our family was very poor. I remember when my dad was cutting onion and our whole family was crying. Poor onion. He was such a good dog.
Can somebody please hand me a knife?
This fork just isn't cutting it.
i was cutting boards at work...
i was cutting boards at work, as i went to bring my saw down to do a cut a rabbit jumped right on the cutting table and got cut right in half, my boss ran over and said "you just chopped that rabbit in half" and i said "no i cut it in half" to which he responded "now you are just splitting hairs
Cutting Pizza - A blonde Joke
A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"
What do you call the science of knives?
Cutting edge technology.
I decided to switch to a new barber
My current barber just isn't cutting it.
My dad was cutting up Onions and I started crying.
Onions was a great dog.
Looks like the UK didn't read the fine print when cutting off ties with the EU...
You Brexit, you bought it.
I once killed an enemy soldier by cutting off his feet.
I defeated him.
I started reading YouTube comments recently
Because cutting myself just wasn't doing the trick anymore.
How do you know the Japanese mass m**... was a chef?
He spent his day cutting up vegetables
I got a job at a circle making factory!
Sadly, I was fired today because I was cutting corners
If you struggle cutting cake....
Is it still a piece of cake?
Cutting down personal expenses
The business man was worried about his personal finances after a few sloppy years and thought to himself that he'd better start cutting down on private expenses.
Therefore he turned to his wife and said:
"Honey, if you could learn to cook and clean, we wouldn't need our household services."
The wife replied: "Sure. And if you could learn to satisfy me, we wouldn't need the gardener either."
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Cutting your toe off with an axe
As a child,I always cried when my dad was cutting onions in the kitchen
Onions was a good dog :(
A man walks into his regular watering hole....
depressed he orders a double whiskey. The bartender asks him What's the bad news? .
The guy says Well my wife says she no longer enjoys s**... so she's cutting me off, we can only do it once a month .
Bartender: Ooohhh cheer up that's nothing, she's cut most of the guys in here completely off
I had to find a new barber...
The last one wasn't cutting it.
A New Car
A rabbi and a minister decided to buy a new car together. The day after they bought it, the rabbi found the minister driving it. The minister explained that he had just gone to the car wash because in his religion it is customary to welcome a new member with the rite of baptism. The next day, the minister discovered the rabbi cutting the end off the exhaust pipe
I bought a new lawn mower for my landscaping company
Mine just wasn't cutting it.
I'm sorry
Little johnny is asked to use the word contagious in a sentence.
My dad was watching my mom cut the grass out the front window.
He was yelling, at the rate she's cutting the grass, It's going to take that contagious.
I had to buy a new lawnmower today.
My old one just wasn't cutting it.
A group of scientists conducted an interesting experiment on frogs.
They wanted to see how cutting off the legs of frogs would affect them.
In one of the experiments, a scientist told the frog to jump. It didn't.
The scientists concluded that cutting off the legs of frogs would make them deaf.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear Subscriber,
We are cutting off your Internet service due to i**... downloading.
A terrible hairdresser was known for cutting customers' scalps with scissors.
One such customer, fed up and covered in wounds, told the hairdresser off.
The hairdresser snapped back, "Hey buddy, show some appreciation! You only paid $5 for this haircut, and I've already used $10 worth of bandages!"
\- From "Philogelos", an ancient Greek joke book dated to around 200 AD.
Why did the cannibal not eat Usain Bolt?
They're cutting back on fast food.
Say what you want about the graphics for Lara Croft's bosom in the original Tomb Raider
At the time, they were cutting edge.
Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.
I lost the Rock's paper scissors.
I had to get a new pair of scissors today.
The old ones just weren't cutting it.
I saw a man cutting a pizza with a smart phone
I know it's cutting edge technology but jeez
People always cry when cutting onions.
The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply!"...
The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.
When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders."
Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished lumber therefrom.
And he saw that it was good.
The snakes were overjoyed when Noah picked them up and placed them on it. Noah and the snakes both knew that even adders could multiply on a log table.
Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet:
Breakfast and dinner.
My dad told me this joke please laugh.
What do you call a mechanical knife?
Cutting edge technology
No Nut November is gonna be super easy this year.
I decided to stop eating nuts altogether. It was cutting into my m**... time too much.
What's the difference between a depressed criminal and a cat cutting down a gumtree with a chainsaw?
One's a felon feeling glum, and the other is a feline felling gum.
Today I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn
He just wasn't cutting it
A Tree Falls In A Rainforest And Nobody Notices But Me
"Ha ha ha! My i**... tree cutting business is working!"
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson's cutting tool for the origami workshop...
I can't believe I lost the Rock's Paper
Scissors...
My b**... haven't grown much since I decided to transition
I guess that's what I get for cutting out all of my trans fat
A guy was cutting some branches off a tree next to an asylum and fell inside
The knife fell far away, and a prisoner inside got it before he did, and he started running towards him with the knife.
He ran for his life, until he couldn't run anymore, he fell.
When the prisoner reached him, he dropped the knife next to him and said Your turn!
A man is sitting in a train
and watches the guy on the other side of the aisle take an apple out of his pocket, cutting it open, picking out the seeds and chewing them.
Why are you chewing the seeds?
They make me smarter
Really? Could I have some?
Sure, dollar a piece
The man agrees and gets three apple seeds for three bucks. He chews them for a while, then says Wait a minute, for three bucks I could've bought two pounds of apples!
See, it's already working
"Cut a Man in Half" Trick
I was strolling down a street, suddenly came to a stop to see a street performer getting ready to do the "cut a man in half" act. The performer starts cutting then separates the coffin. In amazement I asked," Wow that's insane how did you do that?" He said," A Mortician never reveals his secrets."
A rabbi and a minister decided to buy a new car together.
The day after they bought it, the rabbi found the minister driving it. The minister explained that he had just gone to the carwash because, in his religion, it is customary to welcome a new member with the rite of baptism.
The next day, the minister discovered the rabbi cutting the end off the tailpipe.
I started crying when dad started cutting onions.
Onions was such a good dog.
Little Johnny: Contagious
The teacher asks the class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence, and see's only one hand go up, yes the dreaded Little Johnny, Knowing full well she is about to be burned yet again by this little s**.... She sighs and tells him to go ahead.
With a glint in his eye, Little johnny proceeds:
"My dad and I saw our neighbour cutting his lawn with a pair of nail scissors, my dad said "Its going to take that contagious to do that"
Boom boom.
Bought a new camera today…
and wanted to test it out. I was looking for a good subject and found a salon where a guy was cutting a woman's hair. I went in and asked him if I could take some pictures. He said she wanted a rainbow look, and it would be great to get some before and after pics to capture the coloring process.
That's when I shot a man, just to watch him dye.
I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...
"It's cutting hedge technology!"
The Voice
A guy decides to go ice fishing. He goes out on the ice and begins cutting a hole to drop his line through. Suddenly a loud, booming voice speaks from far above: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Somewhat spooked, he moves to another spot and tries again. Once again, the deep voice from above: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Now the guy is thoroughly frightened. He looks up timidly and asks, "Is that you, Lord??" The voice replies, "NO! THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER!"
Why doesn't Nestle use square bottles?
Because they like cutting corners.
My Wife is always cutting herself shaving...
I guess her mum didn't razor right
Did you hear about the engineer who liked gardening?
he was developing latest hedge cutting technology
A man was arrested for killing gang members, then cutting off their feet and taking them
When apprehended, the man said he had heard it was profitable to sell Crip toes.
I finally got some probiotics
These amateurbiotics in my stomach just aren't cutting it.
My dad was cutting a piece of bread as I was walking out the door.
Me: "Could you cut me a piece for the road?"
Dad: "The road can't eat but you can have one."
I asked a vegan what it was like cutting meat from their diet...
They said it wasn't hard to quit cold turkey.
Flat mate saw me chopping furiously in the kitchen
He said "why are you cutting up rosemary so fast"? I said cos I've run outta thyme
I have invented a machine for automated circumcision
The technology is cutting edge.
Did you hear that Taylor is pulling her music from Spotify in Russia?
They're cutting off Russia from SWIFT.
The creation of the knife...
Was cutting edge technology at the time.
What do you say to compliment your Gardener?
You are cutting edge
A lumberjack walks into the company office to get paid.
The secretary says, I have a check here for cutting down 236 trees this week.
The lumberjack replies, I actually cut down 237 trees.
Are you sure? , says the secretary, Your foreman counted 236 on the truck.
Sure, I'm sure, replies the lumberjack. I kept a log .
