Cutting Down Tree Jokes

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You ever cut your grass and found a car.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.
You own a homemade fur coat.
The people on j**... Springer's show remind you of your neighbors.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.
The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.

A weak little man applied for a job as a lumberjack...

...but the foreman refused to take him because he was too small. "I may look puny," protested the man, "but I'm not. Just give me a chance to show you my strength."
The foreman consented and told the man to go chop down a giant redwood that stood nearby. Half an hour later, to the foreman's shock, the redwood was lying on the ground.
"Where'd you learn to cut down trees like that?" the foreman asked.
"The Sahara Forest," the man answered.
"You mean the Sahara Desert?" the foreman ventured.
"Sure," said that man, "if that's what they call it now."

What do you call a Massachusite who cuts down trees?

_In a New England accent..._
A Boston lager.
.
.
.
.
.
I made this up yesterday in the car.

A large plane crashed...

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left, smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine. Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out, "the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning." "President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't . . . But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.

Air Force One crashes in a field..

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left, smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine. Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out, "the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning." "President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't . . . But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.

The Bacon tree

Two Mexican brothers are lost in the desert.
They're hungry and thirsty, and have been walking for miles on end.
Suddenly, Jose yells at his brother. "Brother! Do you smell that? It smells like bacon!"
He rushes ahead, and sure enough, over the next dune, he sees it. A bacon tree. Glorious strips of crispy bacon, glistening in the sun, waiting to be eaten.
Jose runs head long at the tree, just as his brother climbs the dune behind him. Suddenly two machine guns pop out of the bacon tree and cut him down!
He turns to his brother, and with his last breath he yells out
"Brother! Is not a Bacon Tree!"
"Is..."
"Is a..."
"Is a Hambush..."

Sad loss

I woke up early as the sun shined brightly through my bedroom window. Usually the light was filtered though the leaves of a beautiful old elm tree that had been in our backyard for generations. Yesterday we had to cut her down as she had been stricken with Dutch Elm Disease. I slowly wiped a tear away then thought to myself, "Why am I being so sentimental over a tree, it's just a simple piece if wood?" My wife sensing that something was wrong asked, "What's the matter honey?" I responded, "Oh nothing, I just never thought mourning wood could be so hard." She enthusiastically sat up and said, "Well, let's have a look. I'll be the judge of that."

After the flood, Noah tells the animals from the Arc to "go forth and multiply."

After a few months, Noah figures he better wander around and see how the animals are doing. Everybody is happy until he comes across a couple of snakes - they are quite downcast and not very happy. Noah asks what wrong, and they say "We are Adders, so we can't multiply!"
Noah rubs his chin for a few moments, and then goes into the forest, cuts down a couple of trees, and makes a table out of them.
Then he puts the snakes up on the platform he has made, and says "Now you should be happy. Everybody knows that adders can multiply with log tables!"

One day Santa is walking through the forest when all of a sudden from out of the snow he sees a tiny Angel dragging a huge Christmas tree behind her.

"h**... h**... h**..., what do we have here? " Asked Santa.
The little Angel looks up and says "Oh. Thank goodness I found you! A family came to the forest and cut down this tree, but then they saw an even bigger tree and took that one instead just leaving this poor tree to die! So I pulled and pulled, dragging this tree through the snow looking for you Santa. I knew that you would tell me what to do with this tree. Tell me Santa, tell me what I should do with this tree! "
And so Santa told the little Angel exactly what she should do with that tree and that is why you still see a little Angel right up on top of the tree every year.

An Irish Lumberjack

A large Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the Foreman's door.

The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the Irishman.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the Foreman. "Take your axe and go cut it down."

The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the Foreman's door.

"I cut the tree down," said the Irishman.
"*Holy smokes!*" Said the Formean. "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the Irishman.

Confused, the Forman asked "...don't you mean the Sahara Desert?"
"Is that what they call it now?"

There are three lumber jacks.

There is an Italian guy, a Polish guy, and a Chinese guy. The boss puts the Italian guy in charge of cutting down the trees, the Polish guy in charge of carrying the logs and the Chinese guy in charge of supplies. He tells the men he'll be back in a few hours to check on their progress. When he returns, the Italian guy is chopping the trees and the Polish guy is carrying the logs, but he can't find the Chinese guy. All he sees is a wall of boxes stacked up. As he walks towards the boxes, the Chinese guy jumps out from behind them and yells "SUPPLIES!"

A tiny guy applies for a job as a lumberjack.

Sorry, says the head lumberjack, eyeing the man up and down. You're just too small.
Give me a chance to show you what I can do, the guy pleads. You won't regret it.
O.K., says the boss. See that giant oak over there? Let's see you chop it down.
Half an hour later, the mighty oak is felled, amazing the boss.
Where'd you learn to cut trees like that? he asks.
The Sahara Forest. said the man.
Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?
It wasn't called that when I was there..

A lumberjack is walking through the woods one day...

...when he hears a strange noise, someone or something is... talking to him.
​
"Please..." the voice says, "Don't hurt me."
​
He stops, looks around, and notices one tree in the middle of a small clearing. "Are you a talking tree?" the lumberjack inquires.
​
"Yes... Please don't cut me down, I can help you. I'm a talking tree, for God's sake!" the tree answers.
​
The lumberjack hesitates, then says, "Yes, and you will die a log."