Cutting Down Tree Jokes
117 cutting down tree jokes and hilarious cutting down tree puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cutting down tree that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Cutting Down Tree Short Jokes
Short cutting down tree jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cutting down tree humour may include short cutting tree jokes also.
- A lumberjack once told me he's cut down 27,572 trees. How do ya know exactly how many? I inquired.
Easy. I keep a log. - Did you hear about the lumberjack who got fired for cutting down too many trees ? He saw too much
- Me to a ninja: Hey, can you show me how you precisely cut off tree branches with those throwing stars? Shuriken.
(Came up with this ex nihilo, please like) - A passer by asked a tree surgeon how many trees he has cut down... Surgeon: Exactly 178,794
Passerby: Wow, how do you know that?
Surgeon: I keep a log - How do you get Donald Trump to cut down a tree? Tell him it's one of the pillars of our democracy.
- What did Wolverine use to cut down trees before he got the adamantium treatment? He used a huge axe, man.
- What do you call a Massachusite who cuts down trees? _In a New England accent..._
A Boston lager.
.
.
.
.
.
I made this up yesterday in the car.
- What's the difference between jeweler, a cut down tree, and a sea captain? A sea captain watches the seas, while a jeweler sees the watches.
- New leaks reveal that George Washington didn't cut down that cherry tree it was actually brought down by Russian hackers
- Why does the rate of trees cut follow an inverse exponential trend when lumberjacks start singing? Because it falls into a logger-rhythm.
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Cutting Down Tree One Liners
Which cutting down tree one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cutting down tree? I can suggest the ones about cutting wood and planting tree.
- I can cut down a tree just by looking at it It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
- I can't come up with any jokes about cutting down trees. I'm stumped.
- How do you get an emo kid out of a tree? You cut the rope
- It's unwise to cut down a forest on your own. It usually takes tree fellers or more.
- I cut down a tree by just staring at it. I saw it with my own eyes.
- How do you get a depressed person out of a tree? You cut the rope…
- Why are three-dimensional objects so good at cutting down trees? They have three axes.
- I hurt my back while cutting down a tree. Guess you could say I have lumber problems.
- What do you call a mathematician who cuts down trees? A numberjack.
- How can you tell that only male beavers cut down trees? Because they're all fellers.
- What do trees say when they get cut down? I'm stumped.
- What does a bro use to cut down a tree? A suh, dude.
- How does an arborist maintain his business? He keeps a log of every tree he cuts down.
- How do frat boys cut down trees? With a sah, dude
- What do you call those guys who cut down trees? Fellas
Cutting Down Tree Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about cutting down tree you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean falling tree jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cutting down tree pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You ever cut your grass and found a car.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.
You own a homemade fur coat.
The people on j**... Springer's show remind you of your neighbors.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.
The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you get a black man out of a tree? Cut the rope.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree
When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, Wait! I'm a talking tree!
The lumberjack laughed and said, And you will dialogue.
In China, they don't cut trees
They just chopsticks
Horrible Accident
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
A guy is walking down the street and passes a hardware store...
...advertising a sale on a chain saw that is capable of cutting seven hundred trees is seven hours. The guy thinks this is a great deal and decides to buy one.
The next day, he comes back with the saw and complains to the salesman that the thing didn't even come close to cutting down the seven hundred trees the ad said it would.
"Well," said the salesman, "let's test it out back."
Finding a log, the salesman pulls the starter cord and the saw makes a great roaring sound.
"What's that noise?" asks the guy.
A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.
A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. Herman is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office.
"What happened to you? the officer asks.
"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.
"Can you describe what they looked like?"
"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."
A weak little man applied for a job as a lumberjack...
...but the foreman refused to take him because he was too small. "I may look puny," protested the man, "but I'm not. Just give me a chance to show you my strength."
The foreman consented and told the man to go chop down a giant redwood that stood nearby. Half an hour later, to the foreman's shock, the redwood was lying on the ground.
"Where'd you learn to cut down trees like that?" the foreman asked.
"The Sahara Forest," the man answered.
"You mean the Sahara Desert?" the foreman ventured.
"Sure," said that man, "if that's what they call it now."
Why did you cut me down, lumberjack?
Lumberjack: Oh, you really don't know why?
Tree: Sorry, I'm stumped.
A man walks into a hardware store
A man walks into a hardware store and asks the clerk for a faster way to cut down trees. "My axe isn't cutting it anymore, it's just too slow," he says.
The clerk looks around for a bit and comes back with a chainsaw. "Here, this might be what you want." The man says, "Oh yeah, I've heard of those! I'll take it!" So the clerk rings him up.
The man comes back the next day, holding the same chainsaw. "Hey, I think there's something wrong with the saw you sold me yesterday," he says. "I tried it out last night and it's even slower than my axe!"
The clerk takes it from him and looks it over. "Well, there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with it..." He pulls the starter cord and the chainsaw starts running.
The man jumps a bit and says, "Wait, what's that noise?"
Air Force one goes down.
A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left, smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine. Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out, "the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning." "President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't . . . But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.
A large plane crashed...
A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left, smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine. Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out, "the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning." "President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't . . . But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.
Air Force One crashes in a field..
A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left, smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine. Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out, "the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning." "President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't . . . But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Bacon tree
Two Mexican brothers are lost in the desert.
They're hungry and thirsty, and have been walking for miles on end.
Suddenly, Jose yells at his brother. "Brother! Do you smell that? It smells like bacon!"
He rushes ahead, and sure enough, over the next dune, he sees it. A bacon tree. Glorious strips of crispy bacon, glistening in the sun, waiting to be eaten.
Jose runs head long at the tree, just as his brother climbs the dune behind him. Suddenly two machine guns pop out of the bacon tree and cut him down!
He turns to his brother, and with his last breath he yells out
"Brother! Is not a Bacon Tree!"
"Is..."
"Is a..."
"Is a Hambush..."
Sad loss
I woke up early as the sun shined brightly through my bedroom window. Usually the light was filtered though the leaves of a beautiful old elm tree that had been in our backyard for generations. Yesterday we had to cut her down as she had been stricken with Dutch Elm Disease. I slowly wiped a tear away then thought to myself, "Why am I being so sentimental over a tree, it's just a simple piece if wood?" My wife sensing that something was wrong asked, "What's the matter honey?" I responded, "Oh nothing, I just never thought mourning wood could be so hard." She enthusiastically sat up and said, "Well, let's have a look. I'll be the judge of that."
Today, the tree my family planted 15 years ago died and had to be cut down.
I'm mourning wood.
After the flood, Noah tells the animals from the Arc to "go forth and multiply."
After a few months, Noah figures he better wander around and see how the animals are doing. Everybody is happy until he comes across a couple of snakes - they are quite downcast and not very happy. Noah asks what wrong, and they say "We are Adders, so we can't multiply!"
Noah rubs his chin for a few moments, and then goes into the forest, cuts down a couple of trees, and makes a table out of them.
Then he puts the snakes up on the platform he has made, and says "Now you should be happy. Everybody knows that adders can multiply with log tables!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day Santa is walking through the forest when all of a sudden from out of the snow he sees a tiny Angel dragging a huge Christmas tree behind her.
"h**... h**... h**..., what do we have here? " Asked Santa.
The little Angel looks up and says "Oh. Thank goodness I found you! A family came to the forest and cut down this tree, but then they saw an even bigger tree and took that one instead just leaving this poor tree to die! So I pulled and pulled, dragging this tree through the snow looking for you Santa. I knew that you would tell me what to do with this tree. Tell me Santa, tell me what I should do with this tree! "
And so Santa told the little Angel exactly what she should do with that tree and that is why you still see a little Angel right up on top of the tree every year.
What do you call a digital video recorder that cuts down trees and builds dams?
A bvr
What do you call a man who cuts down trees?
A tree feller.
I wrote a song about cutting down trees.
It's not a snappy tune, it just lumbers along.
An Irish Lumberjack
A large Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the Foreman's door.
The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the Irishman.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the Foreman. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the Foreman's door.
"I cut the tree down," said the Irishman.
"*Holy smokes!*" Said the Formean. "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the Irishman.
Confused, the Forman asked "...don't you mean the Sahara Desert?"
"Is that what they call it now?"
What did the squirrel say when it saw the acorn tree cut down and taken away?
Thats nuts
How does a surfer cut down a tree?
With a sahhhh dude
A lumberjack walks into a shop to buy a chainsaw...
The shopkeeper picks one out and says "this one can cut down 5 trees in 2 minutes". The lumberjack is impressed by this and buys the chainsaw. 2 days later, the lumberjack comes back to the shop with the chainsaw and asks for a refund.
"This is a complete rip-off, I only managed to cut down 1 tree over the space of an hour!"
The shopkeeper takes the chainsaw and turns it on only for the lumberjack to suddenly jump in surprise.
"What's that noise?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like cutting up broccoli because...
It makes me feel like a giant, wielding a tiny anime sword, cutting down tiny trees..
Did such a great job cutting down a tree yesterday
The neighbours clapped as I took a bough
Apparently Abraham Lincoln kept extremely detailed records of every single tree he cut down, detailing the type of tree, dimensions, even the location where it was cut, and more.
They're called the Lincoln Logs.
How many Poles need to cut tree?
96 and a plane.
How Do You Cut Down A Tree?
A sawwwwwwww Dude
Two guys are cutting down trees
Two guys are cutting down trees. The guy cuts down 3 trees and is tired. After work he meets his friend and asks him: "How many trees did you cut down?"
His friend says: "Around 20."
He can't believe so he asks: "How could you possibly cut down 20 trees?"
"Well, it's nothing special. You take a chainsaw, turn it on and start cutting."
"Wait! You turn it on?!"
There are three lumber jacks.
There is an Italian guy, a Polish guy, and a Chinese guy. The boss puts the Italian guy in charge of cutting down the trees, the Polish guy in charge of carrying the logs and the Chinese guy in charge of supplies. He tells the men he'll be back in a few hours to check on their progress. When he returns, the Italian guy is chopping the trees and the Polish guy is carrying the logs, but he can't find the Chinese guy. All he sees is a wall of boxes stacked up. As he walks towards the boxes, the Chinese guy jumps out from behind them and yells "SUPPLIES!"
A lawyer and a tree
There is an old joke, circulating around the Balkans, about a lawyer and a tree. The main case of the lawyer was the dispute between two neighbors about a tree placed at the common border of their properties. The case was going on for decades, the lawyer was mediating, but no solution came and eventually, the lawyer retired and his son took his office. A couple of days later the son came to his father and said I have solved the problem – I have cut the tree down. Then the father said That tree was feeding our family for decades, now you need to find something else to do.
Would we still cut down trees if they could scream?
maybe, if they screamed all the time, and for no good reason...
How many redwoods can an Irish lumberjack cut down in a year?
About tree hundred
What do you call a tree with its branch cut off?
Amputree
The ark lands after The Flood.
Noah lets all the animals out. He says, "Go forth and multiply."
Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals. All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. What's the problem?" says Noah. "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy.
Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes.
"We're adders, and we need logs to multiply."
What do you call a guy that can cut down trees without hitting the power lines?
Smart feller
Trees and the lumberjack
So one day as a tree was talking he got cut down by the lumberjack! After the tree got cut down the tree said "well I feel stumped!"
What do you use to cut down branches from a tree?
Uhuh,
Ashadude.
A tiny guy applies for a job as a lumberjack.
Sorry, says the head lumberjack, eyeing the man up and down. You're just too small.
Give me a chance to show you what I can do, the guy pleads. You won't regret it.
O.K., says the boss. See that giant oak over there? Let's see you chop it down.
Half an hour later, the mighty oak is felled, amazing the boss.
Where'd you learn to cut trees like that? he asks.
The Sahara Forest. said the man.
Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?
It wasn't called that when I was there..
How many polish people does it take to cut down a tree?
96 and a plane
Why do cherry trees stink?
George Washington cut one.
Apparently I told this to my Catholic priest as a child..
What does a Pirate say when they cut down a tree?
"Shiver me Timmbuuuuuuuuuurrrrr!!!"
A scrawny little fellow turned up at a lumber company looking for work.
'Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,' he said to the head lumberjack. 'All right,' said the boss. 'Take this axe and cut fired that oak tree.' Five minutes later the man was back. 'I've cut it down,' he says, 'and split it into lumber.' The boss couldn't believe his eyes. 'Where on earth did you learn to cut down trees so fast?' 'The Sahara,' the man answered. 'The Sahara desert?' 'Desert? Oh yes, that's what they call it now.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the t**... who cut down all the trees?
He's Bin Loggin.
What does a person from the future use to cut down trees?
A chainseen
What do Black lumberjacks use to cut trees?
An *ask*
I started a new job as a Tree Trimmer.
Unfortunately, I was fired my first day. The boss said I just wasn't cutting it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lumberjack is walking through the woods one day...
...when he hears a strange noise, someone or something is... talking to him.
"Please..." the voice says, "Don't hurt me."
He stops, looks around, and notices one tree in the middle of a small clearing. "Are you a talking tree?" the lumberjack inquires.
"Yes... Please don't cut me down, I can help you. I'm a talking tree, for God's sake!" the tree answers.
The lumberjack hesitates, then says, "Yes, and you will die a log."
Yesterday this guy walks up on my lawn and gives me the finger.
I swear that's the last time I try to cut my tree limbs without gloves.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Nobody calls you a Lumberjack if you cut down one tree
You have s**... with one sheep
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ray Charles is cutting down a tree...
...And he cuts off his left arm. As the ambulance takes him away he shouts 'I still got the right one baby! UH HUH!"
Studies now suggest that trees live longer when they are not cut down.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the comedian go to Russia to cut down a tree?
Because the real joke is always in the c**... Ents.
What do Jonny Depp and Helena Bonham-Carter day after they cut down a tree?
TIMBBBERRRton
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
Who does the Queen of Hearts send to cut down a tree?
The Lumber-Jack.
Kirk and Spock were trapped on a planet and were waiting for rescue.
Kirk complained to Spock that his legs were getting tired from just standing around.
Spock said "there's a tree right there let's cut it down with our phasers and make a bench."
"You're a genius!" Exclaimed Kirk.
"Nonsense" replied Spock "it's only log-ical"
What did the opera singer say when he was cutting down a tree?
Timbre!
A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.
The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.
How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees? he asks himself.
Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn't work properly.
Hmm, it looks okay, says the server, and starts the chainsaw.
The man jumps back in shock and cries, What's that noise?
Three neighboring sentient trees, an oak a maple, and an elm are cut down in the forest
They are taken to a local saw mill and turned into boards for housing. Miraculously wood from all three trees is used to build a roof on a barn. The oak is turned into a sturdy beam in the center of the roof, and despite the cutting and processing of the wood, thinks he can recognize the boards that became the maple and the elm being nailed together above him. Unsure however he asks
Haven't I seen you two by four?
There are 2 lumberjacks.
One hits the tree with an axe, and the other uses a saw to finish the job.
The one with the axe took down a tree by himself and said, "Could you see yourself cutting down a tree like that?"
The other man said, "No, I saw."
After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply!"...
The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.
When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders."
Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished lumber therefrom.
And he saw that it was good.
The snakes were overjoyed when Noah picked them up and placed them on it. Noah and the snakes both knew that even adders could multiply on a log table.
Noah and the Snakes
After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply."
The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.
When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders."
Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished lumber therefrom.
And he saw that it was good.
The snakes were overjoyed when Noah picked them up and placed them on it. Noah and the snakes both knew that even adders could multiply on a log table.
A blonde buys a chainsaw
A blonde buys a chainsaw to cut down some trees in her backyard and gets the one that sais "Guaranteed to cut down 100 trees a day" on the box.
"Great" she thinks "I only want to cut down 5 trees, but I bet this one will get the job done in no time at all!"
Three days later returns to the shop dirty and sweaty and sais: "I am sorry, but this is very misleading advertising! It sais I can cut down 100 trees in a week and it took me 3 days to cut down just one! Something is clearly not right!"
The shop attendant sais: "Alright, lets see if we can figure out what the problem is", yanks the cord and starts the motor.
The blonde sais: "What is that sound?"
Words from the mathematician's Bible
And the Lord spoke to the animals, and he said "Go forth and multiply!"
The snakes came up to him and said "Oh Lord, forgive us, but we cannot fulfill your commandment, we cannot multiply, for we are adders".
"Go and cut down the trees and build furniture out of them", said the Lord, "for with the aid of log tables, adders can multiply"