Cuts Jokes
101 cuts jokes and hilarious cuts puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cuts that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Cuts Short Jokes
Short cuts jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cuts humour may include short cutting jokes also.
- A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."
The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot." - A lumberjack once told me he's cut down 27,572 trees. How do ya know exactly how many? I inquired.
Easy. I keep a log. - Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut? "NASA: The Sky's The Limit"
- My 12 year old just told me a joke He said I've been trying to cut down the amount of video games I play, I'm only playing for 30 minutes before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 8 times.
- Just found out the local barber has been arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer of his for 15 years and I didn't even know he cut hair.
- A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree. It shouted, Wait! I'm a talking tree The lumberjack smiled, and you will dialogue .
- Elon Musk lands on mars and steps out of his spaceship ### "It's a small step for a man, but a giant leap for mankind," says the ground control officer and cuts off all communications.
- (from my 11 yo) What does Darth Vader say after cutting someone's head off with a lightsaber? "I find your lack of face disturbing."
- A transgender person cut me in line at the supermarket. You're LGBT, right? I asked.
You forgot about the 'Q', they replied bluntly.
No, I said, you did. - "Son, I don't think you're cut out to be a mime." "Was it something I said?" Asks the son.
"Yes."
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Cuts One Liners
Which cuts one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cuts? I can suggest the ones about rips and edges.
- I can cut down a tree just by looking at it It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
- "Son you're just not cut out to be a mime." "Is it something I said?"
"Yes." - 10 Ways to cut down on clickbait! Well, that wasn't one of them.
- How does a Mexican cut a pizza? With *little* *caesars*
- What is long, black and dangerous to cut into? the line at KFC
- I can't come up with any jokes about cutting down trees. I'm stumped.
- How does the man in the moon cut his hair? (From my 9yo child) Eclipse it.
- I can cut wood by staring at it. I saw it with my own eyes.
- What do you call a committee of emo kids? A cutting board
- How was the Roman Empire cut in half? With a pair of caesars.
- It's true, I can cut a piece of wood just by staring at it I saw it with my own eyes
- I can cut wood using just my eyes It is true, I saw it with my own eyes
- What is Jimmy McGill's favorite cut of meat? Chuck roast.
- How does the man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
- How does Harry Potter like his sandwiches to be cut ? Diagon alley
Laughable Cuts Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about cuts you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean shortcut jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cuts pranks.
What is the benefit of having emo grass?
It cuts itself
Mowing the grass.
One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my porch, drinking a beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."
I calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."
dumb blonde
A blond walk into a hair salon with headphones on and sits down in a chair. The blonde asks the woman working there for a haircut. The woman takes of the headphones and cuts the blondes hair. After she is finished she looks down and to her surprise finds the blonde dead. The woman puts on the headphones and hears this "Breathe in.....Breathe out.....Breath in.......Breath out"
Little Johnny and his ball.
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "mommy mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle joe last summer."
Stalin, Kruschev, and Brezhnev are riding a train when it suddenly grinds to a halt.
Stalin says, "I know what to do. We shoot the conductor, the ticket collector, and ten passengers at random. Then the train will run again."
"No, I have a better idea," says Kruchev. "We tell everyone on the train that true communism is just around the corner! Then the train will run again."
"Tovarishi, you're trying too hard," Brezhnev cuts in. "We simply close the curtains, lean back and have a v**..., and *pretend* the train is running!"
Did you hear about the new "emo" grass?
People love it because it cuts itself.
A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.
A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. Herman is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office.
"What happened to you? the officer asks.
"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.
"Can you describe what they looked like?"
"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."
A young lady, pregnant for the first time, visits her doctor for a check-up
After the exam, she says to the doctor, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
The doctor cuts her off and says, "I know, I know - it's normal. You can have s**... until your third trimester."
The lady says, "No, that's not it. He wants to know how much longer can I can keep mowing the lawn."
The morticians wife.
The mortician gets a call to come pick up Schultz, who dies unexpectedly. While getting him ready for the f**..., he can't help but notice Schultz has a freakishly huge male member. So he cuts it off, puts it in a bag, and brings it home to show his wife this amazing specimen.
He gets home and says, " Honey come look at the amazing thing I found at work today!" She comes over, takes a look in the bag and shrieks loudly, "Oh my God! Schultz is dead!"
What do you call a Massachusite who cuts down trees?
_In a New England accent..._
A Boston lager.
.
.
.
.
.
I made this up yesterday in the car.
Three guys meet in class after a superbowl sunday, still super hungover from the night before.
The first guy pipes up and says 'Fuck. i got so drunk last night I blew chunks.' The second guy cuts him off nearly immediately screaming 'oh yeah? I was so drunk I emptied my bank account at the s**... club after. I have no money to pay rent now.' The third guy laughs at both of them and said 'that's nothing. I was so wasted last night, I sold my car to a homeless guy for 50 cents.' Finally the first guy cuts them both off. 'You guys don't understand.....Chunks is my girlfriends golden retriever.'
An older woman is watching the news
When a newscaster cuts in.
"Breaking news! We have reports of a car going the wrong way through heavy traffic on I-85."
The woman knows her husband is travelling, so she calls him up.
"Honey, some idiot's driving the wrong way on I-85. Be careful, please!"
Her husband practically yells back into the phone, "Thanks sweetie, but it's not just one; there's hundreds of them!"
2 nuns were smoking when it started to rain...
The first nun takes out a c**... and cuts off the end and slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking.
The second nun notices that it is keeping the first nuns cigarette dry and asks "where'd you get that?"
"From the Pharmacy" replied the first nun.
So the second nun heads down to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a pack of condoms.
"What size do you need" asked the clerk.
The nun replied - "Large enough to fit a Camel"
Not everyone can brag about getting a h**... from their barber after a haircut...
But then again, not everyone cuts their own hair.
What is the definition of a Barbarian?
It's someone who cuts hair in a library.
Two ladies smoking
Two old ladies were standing outside smoking cigarettes. It starts to rain, so one of the old ladies takes out a c**..., cuts the tip off and slides it over her cig to keep it dry. The other lady is amazed at her inventiveness! She goes to the pharmacy and tells the pharmacist she needs some condoms. The pharmacist, puzzled, looks at her and says "ma'am they come in all shapes and sizes, which ones do you need?" She replies "doesn't matter, as long as it fits a Camel!"
A dog lays by the railroad tracks..
And falls asleep with his tail hanging over them a little. A train comes by eventually and cuts off the tip of his tail. The dog whips around to see what happened and the train cuts off his head, too.
Moral of the story? Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.
This is my grandpa's favorite joke. He has Alzheimers and can't remember much, but this joke is on constant replay and you can see the old twinkle in his eye when he tells it.
A young couple is having their first christmas together and they're cooking a turkey.
Just before they put the turkey in the oven the guy cuts an inch and a half off each end. His girlfriend asks "Why did you do that?" "That's how my mom does it." "Why does she do it?" "I don't know." So they phone his mom and she says "That's how *my* mom did it." So they phone the grandma and she says "I had a small oven."
Two elderly ladies are smoking outside...
It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a c**..., cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms.
When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier for a pack of condoms. He looks at her in disgust as he can't believe someone of her age would be having s**.... He asks what kind she would like anyways as he doesn't want to lose his job.
She replys "honey, it doesn't matter what kind as long as it fits a camel"
A man cuts a hunk of meat from his torso and cooks it in a pan.
As he bleeds out, he realises: "I've made a big me-steak"
Joke Time 2
To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
EAR ACCIDENT
A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw.
He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, "Hey, do you see my ear down there?"
The guy on the street picks up an ear and yells back, "Is this it?"
"No," replies the construction worker. "Mine had a pencil behind it."
A Warrior Cuts off the head of a Hydra formed by fusing 8 mythical beast,
and 2 heads Grows in it place,
he cuts those off and 4 grows,
he cuts those off and 8 grows,
he cuts those off and 16 grows,
he cuts those off and 32 grows,
he cuts those off and 64 grows,
he cuts those off and 128 grows,
he cuts those off and the Hydra Dies because the Hydra was made of 8 bits.
My sphincter is a lumberjack.
He cuts logs in half.
It's all fun and games until someone cuts their eye
Then it's humourous
Three men are captured by canibals
The canibals say that they will be killed and their skin will be made into a canoe, and that they can choose how they die.
The first one jumps off a rock, the second one cuts his t**....
The third one takes a fork, starts stabing himself and yelling 'NO CANOE FOR YOU!"
Knight vs dragon
A knight is fighting a dragon. He cuts its head, but the dragon grows two new heads. The knight cuts them, but the dragon grows 4 heads. The knight cuts them, the dragon grows 8 heads. The knight cuts them, the dragon grows 16 heads. The knight cuts them, the dragon grows 32 heads. The knight cuts them, the dragon grows 64 heads. The knight cuts them, the dragon grows 128 heads. The knight cuts them and the dragon is finally dead.
It was an 8-bit dragon.
Why is the oval office oval shaped?
Because the government cuts corners.
Did you hear they made an Emo-Hipster pizza?
It cuts itself, and you're supposed to eat it before its cool.
Have you heard about the new emo pizza?
It cuts itself
My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..
"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.
"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.
"Does it hurt?" she asked.
"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."
"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.
"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.
"But don't they just fall off?"
"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."
A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time
All of a sudden, he hears a voice. There are no fish under the ice! He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, he hears the booming voice: There are no fish under
the ice!
He nervously looks up and asks, Lord? Is that you?
No, this is the rink manager!
A pastor cuts his chin while shaving one Sunday morning.
He hurriedly puts a band-aid on and rushes to his church for the 10:00 am service.
Afterwards, a member of the congregation, an older woman, comes up to the pastor and asks, "Excuse me, but what happened to your face?" The pastor replies "I was thinking about my sermon and I cut my chin." The old lady rolls her eyes and says "Maybe you should think about your chin, and cut your sermons."
What's the best kind of grass for your front yard?
Emo grass. Cuz it cuts itself.
What do you use to heal cuts in the matrix?
Neo-sporin
To save on mowing, get an emo lawn,
It cuts itself.
I bought some of that emo grass seed, it's brilliant.
The grass cuts itself.
90 year old married man enters confessional
Bypassing the usual protocols, he tells the priest rather abruptly that he had s**... with a beautiful 20 year old woman, who wasn't his wife.
The Priest states my son, you must say 10 Our Fathers, 3 Hail Marys, when the old man cuts him off, and says, wait I am not Catholic. The Priest says, well why are you telling this?
The old man exclaims I'm telling everybody!
Joey moves to a nudist colony
Joey moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of him in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo.
He is extremely worried but then remembers that his grandmother's eyesight is poor and hopes that she doesn't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It reads
Dear Joey
Thank you for the picture. May I suggest that you get a haircut, your hair makes your nose look small.
Love Grandma
A woman opens up a stand near the train station selling apples for 1$
Each day, the same man walks over to the stand, leaves a 1$, but doesnt take any apples. This went on for an entire year, until one day, the man left a dollar and was about to leave but the woman grabbed him by the hand. The man says: "I see you are finally interested why I keep leaving a dollar but not buying any apples well-" The woman cuts him off: "No I am not the least bit interested, apples now cost 2$ instead of one".
A doctor performs surgery using local anesthesia
- Relax, Ernest, it's just a few cuts with a scalpel. Don't panic, the doctor says.
- But, doctor, my name is not Ernest.
- I know... just talking to myself.
A man dies and goes to heaven
He sees Saint Peter, and starts to tell him a joke
"Masterchief and Cortana walk into a bar.."
Saint Peter cuts him off
"Is this about Halo?"
"Yeah"
"Don't bother, its just going to go over my head"
I've opened up a barber shop for rabbits
I do hare cuts, only.
A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.
The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.
How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees? he asks himself.
Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn't work properly.
Hmm, it looks okay, says the server, and starts the chainsaw.
The man jumps back in shock and cries, What's that noise?
A wife decides to surprise her husband at work.
She walks into his office to find him sitting at his desk, on the phone, with his extremely attractive secretary perched on his lap.
Upon catching sight of his wife the husband says into the phone, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with only one chair."
The butcher
A butcher gets his finger stuck in a slicer and cuts it off. He spends all day at the hospital getting the stump sewn up, then calls his wife.
"Honey, I'm in the hospital," he says. "I accidentally cut off my finger, but I'm OK."
"Oh, God!" she cries. "The whole finger?"
"No. The one next to it."
What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
The rabbi cuts them off; the priest s**... them off.
The White House reversed its proposed cuts to the Special Olympics.
Now Don Jr. can finally get back to training.
My Dad has got a great new job. He has 600 men under him.
He cuts grass at the graveyard.
A woman decides to surprise her husband at work, and walks into his office to find him talking on the phone and his very attractive secretary perched on his lap.
As soon as he sees his wife, the husband speak into the phone, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue running this office with only one chair."
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...
The first one says: I'll have a beer. The second one says: I'll have a half of a beer. The third one says: And I'll have a quarter of a beer. As the fourth mathematician was about to speak, the bartender cuts him off: Here's two beers, you guys should know your limits.
How does an arborist maintain his business?
He keeps a log of every tree he cuts down.
One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my front door step, drinking a beer and watching my girlfriend mow the lawn.
The lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!" I smiled and calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass".
I just reseeded my lawn with emo grass.
It cuts itself...
All the pets decide to play poker
The hamster cuts the cards. The dog deals them. Everyone picks the cards up but the cat.
Everyone antes up but the cat.
The fish looks at the cat and says, "Are you in or out?"
Cat:
I've been smoking w**... for most of my life, and today I quit cold turkey.
I'll make do with the much cheaper chicken cold cuts and put the extra money towards buying more w**....
Lost my pizza cutter. So I used my Bryan Adam's CD.
It cuts like a knife
A Russian joke from HBO's Chernobyl
What do you call something as big as a house, uses tons of gas, and cuts apples into 3 pieces?
A Soviet machine made to cut apples into 4 pieces.
A man walks into a bar and approaches an attractive young woman...
He starts to introduce himself before the woman cuts him off.
"Before you talk to me I want you to agree to follow Schwarzenegger's rule." She says.
The man asks, "What's Schwarzenegger's rule?" To which the woman responds:
"If you spoke to Arnold Schwarzenegger the way some men speak to women you'd get your a**... kicked, so don't say anything to me that you wouldn't say to him."
The man pauses for a moment before proudly proclaiming, "you've got a NICE chest."
Not everyone gets a h**... from their Barber
But not everyone cuts their own hair either.
A surgeon is about to perform his first surgery...
...and the patient is lying on the surgical table, waiting for the anesthetist. The doctor grabs the patient's hand and takes a deep breath.
Surgeon: "Don't worry, Richard, this is not big deal, just a few cuts here and there, and all done in less than an hour. Tonight you rest, watch the game and forget about this."
Patient: "My name is not Richard!"
Surgeon: "Oh, I'm just talking to myself."
A farmer walks in his kitchen with a duck under his arm...
He looks at his wife and says "that's the pig I've been telling you about"
For the wife to respond "Deer, that's a duck."
The farmer cuts back "I was talking to the duck."
A horse walks into a bar...
The bartender says, "Why the long f--" when suddenly the horse cuts him off.
"I've heard that a million times. 'Why the long face, haha!" I hear that everywhere I go."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," says the bartender. "Other than that, how's your
life?"
The horse responds with, "Stable."
I used to eat a lot of cold cuts, but I recently stopped.
I quit cold turkey.
An elderly couple are at McDonald's
They order one meal between the 2 and go and sit down.
The guy in the booth next to them notices they've only got one meal and offers to buy them another one.
The elderly man says "no thank you we share everything"
So the elderly man then cuts the burger in half and gives half to his wife. She starts to eat and the elderly man just sits there.
The man in the booth looks over again and this time notices the elderly man isn't eating yet. So he asks "why aren't you eating as well?
The elderly man replies "I'm waiting for the dentures"
So a chicken walks into a bar...
Fellow is about to order a beer, when the bartender cuts him off -
> Pardon, but we're closing early tonight - my wife's birthday! And we did last call a few minutes ago.
> Why don't you try the place across the street?
How does a lumberjack know how many trees he cuts down in one day?
He kept a log
What's the best herbal remedy for cuts and scrapes?
Thyme. It heals all wounds
A guy walks into a bar and sees that there are dozens of cuts of meat hanging from the ceiling.
Confused, he asks the bartender why this is.
Well, it's a promotion we are running. If you can jump up and grab one, you get a free New York s**... dinner, on us! But, if you attempt to do so and miss, you gotta buy one for every person here instead.
The guy takes a moment to scan the bar, counting up the number of patrons in his head, before turning to the bartender and replying
Ah, no thanks. The steaks are too high.
———
Shout out to my dad for telling me this joke dozens of times throughout my life. It never fails to get a laugh outta a new crowd. Thanks Joe, you da best.
What do you call a mathematician who cuts down trees?
A numberjack.
Keep 'em warm
Bob is sitting on the ice all day fishing with no luck, not even a nibble. Cold and tired he is about to leave, when a guy walks up cuts a hole in the ice beside him, and starts pulling out fish as fast a he can drop his hook in the water.
Bob can't believe it, he yells over " whats your secret?"
"woogatkakeptewrwm" he answers back.
"what did you say?" replies Bob.
The man spits a large ball of worms into his hand and says to Bob, " you have to keep your worms warm".
Two old ladies smoking
Two old ladies are outside smoking cigarettes when it starts to rain. One pulls out a c**..., cuts off the tip, slides it over her cigarette and keeps smoking.
The other old lady is surprised and asks about it. The first one explains that it's just a c**.... She buys them at the pharmacy and uses them to keep her cigarettes dry when it rains.
The second old lady is intrigued by the idea and the next day she heads to the pharmacy. She goes up to the counter and asks for a pack of condoms.
The pharmacist asks what size she needs and she says, Just whatever will fit a camel.
Some men say they don't wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation.
I mean...that's the point, isn't it?
A football fan appears in court for battery
The judge says to the fan: So you are very sure you only threw tomatoes at the referee?
The fan: yes, your honour. I'm very sure.
The Judge: Then how do you explain the deep cuts and bruises on the referees face?
(The judge points at the refs battered face.)
The fan: yeah... they were canned tomatoes...
A rope walks into a bar
He walks up and takes a seat at the bar stool and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender tells him, "Sorry we don't serve ropes around here". So the rope leaves and tries a second place. He takes a seat and once again is told that the place doesn't serve ropes. Frustrated the rope cuts himself up a bit and ties himself up in knots. The next night the rope tries at a new place. The bartender asks him "Hey you're not a rope are you?" To which the rope responds "No I'm a Frayed Knot"
Last night I couldn't find the pizza cutter, so I used a Bryan Adam's CD.
It cuts like a knife.
I just buried my mother-in-law.
John: You're late, where have you been?
Fred: I just buried my mother-in-law.
John: What's with all the cuts and bruises?
Fred: Well, she put up a really good fight.
A new study shown that 1l of beer cuts life for 5 hours
By my calculations, i died in 1872
The street magician
A street magician pulls out a deck of cards and asks a bystander to pick a card and memorize it. The magician then draws a card facing away so he can't see it and has his participant memorize that too. He shuffles the deck, cuts it, and pulls the card on top and asks "Is this your card?" The amazed participant replies "yes!" So the magician pulls the card on the bottom and asks "is this my card?" To which a now confused participant says "No, that's just a picture of... My coat?" The magician responds
"Oh s**... I did it wrong. That's your cardigan"
Elon Musk lands on Mars and steps out of his spaceship
"It's a small step for a man, but a giant leap for mankind," says ground control officer and cuts off all communications.
What's a business name that could work with a barber shop, a taxidermist, and a deli?
Cuts 'n Stuff
