cuts Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious cuts puns

A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem

He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."

The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot."

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A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem...

He says,"Give me 2 shots..."

The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get one shot."

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My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.

"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."

"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.

"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.

"But don't they just fall off?"

"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."

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Not everyone can brag about getting a handjob from their barber after a haircut...

But then again, not everyone cuts their own hair.

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Why is the oval office oval shaped?

Because the government cuts corners.

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An 8 year old girl cuts her hand on a thorn...

...and rushes inside shouting "Mommy, Mommy! I've cut my hand on a thorn! Can you get me some cider?"

Confused, her mother says "You're 8 years old, you're not having any cider."

"But Mommy, I've cut my hand on a thorn! I need to soak it in a bowl of cider!"

Laughing, her mother says "Why cider?"

"Because the other day I overheard big sis saying that when she gets a big prick in her hand she can't wait to get it in cider!"

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The morticians wife.

The mortician gets a call to come pick up Schultz, who dies unexpectedly. While getting him ready for the funeral, he can't help but notice Schultz has a freakishly huge male member. So he cuts it off, puts it in a bag, and brings it home to show his wife this amazing specimen.

He gets home and says, " Honey come look at the amazing thing I found at work today!" She comes over, takes a look in the bag and shrieks loudly, "Oh my God! Schultz is dead!"

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A dog lays by the railroad tracks..

And falls asleep with his tail hanging over them a little. A train comes by eventually and cuts off the tip of his tail. The dog whips around to see what happened and the train cuts off his head, too.

Moral of the story? Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.

This is my grandpa's favorite joke. He has Alzheimers and can't remember much, but this joke is on constant replay and you can see the old twinkle in his eye when he tells it.

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A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.

A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. Herman is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office.

"What happened to you? the officer asks.
"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.
"Can you describe what they looked like?"

"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."

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Have you heard about the new emo pizza?

It cuts itself

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2 nuns were smoking when it started to rain...

The first nun takes out a condom and cuts off the end and slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

The second nun notices that it is keeping the first nuns cigarette dry and asks "where'd you get that?"

"From the Pharmacy" replied the first nun.

So the second nun heads down to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a pack of condoms.

"What size do you need" asked the clerk.

The nun replied - "Large enough to fit a Camel"

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A young woman is about to get married...

She says to her mom, "I need you to teach me everything I need to know to make my husband happy."

The mom gets really embarrassed and starts, "Well, sweetie, when a man and a woman are in love, they sometimes what to be physically close to each other..."

The young woman cuts her off. "Mom, I already know how to fuck. I need you to teach me how to make lasagna."

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Knight vs dragon

A knight is fighting a dragon. He cuts its head, but the dragon grows two new heads. The knight cuts them, but the dragon grows 4 heads. The knight cuts them, the dragon grows 8 heads. The knight cuts them, the dragon grows 16 heads. The knight cuts them, the dragon grows 32 heads. The knight cuts them, the dragon grows 64 heads. The knight cuts them, the dragon grows 128 heads. The knight cuts them and the dragon is finally dead.

It was an 8-bit dragon.

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A woman opens up a stand near the train station selling apples for 1$

Each day, the same man walks over to the stand, leaves a 1$, but doesnt take any apples. This went on for an entire year, until one day, the man left a dollar and was about to leave but the woman grabbed him by the hand. The man says: "I see you are finally interested why I keep leaving a dollar but not buying any apples well-" The woman cuts him off: "No I am not the least bit interested, apples now cost 2$ instead of one".

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Three men are captured by canibals

The canibals say that they will be killed and their skin will be made into a canoe, and that they can choose how they die.

The first one jumps off a rock, the second one cuts his throat.
The third one takes a fork, starts stabing himself and yelling 'NO CANOE FOR YOU!"

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Little Johnny and his ball.

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "mommy mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle joe last summer."

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Some topical jokes for the Brits:

Government cuts bite deep as former prime ministers slashed by 25%.

What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Jimmy Savile? Nothing: they're both dead and fucked miners.

Margaret Thatcher has died peacefully following a stroke at the age of 87. I for one am truly devastated about this... she went peacefully.

It has been announced that Thatcher's corpse will be thrown down one of the pits she closed and a public toilet built on top of it charging £5 a dump. Funds raised are expected to clear the national debt by Friday lunchtime.

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Joey moves to a nudist colony

Joey moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of him in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo.

He is extremely worried but then remembers that his grandmother's eyesight is poor and hopes that she doesn't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It reads

Dear Joey

Thank you for the picture. May I suggest that you get a haircut, your hair makes your nose look small.

Love Grandma

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Smokin at the nursing home.

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

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More NFL news

NFL CUTS ONE TEAM

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons they had to eliminate one team from the league.

They've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs.

They will be known as the TAMPACKS.

Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.

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Stalin, Kruschev, and Brezhnev are riding a train when it suddenly grinds to a halt.

Stalin says, "I know what to do. We shoot the conductor, the ticket collector, and ten passengers at random. Then the train will run again."

"No, I have a better idea," says Kruchev. "We tell everyone on the train that true communism is just around the corner! Then the train will run again."

"Tovarishi, you're trying too hard," Brezhnev cuts in. "We simply close the curtains, lean back and have a vodka, and *pretend* the train is running!"

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A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem

He tells the bartender I'll have 2 shots of...

The bartender cuts him off, you only get 1 shot.

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Three guys meet in class after a superbowl sunday, still super hungover from the night before.

The first guy pipes up and says 'Fuck. i got so drunk last night I blew chunks.' The second guy cuts him off nearly immediately screaming 'oh yeah? I was so drunk I emptied my bank account at the strip club after. I have no money to pay rent now.' The third guy laughs at both of them and said 'that's nothing. I was so wasted last night, I sold my car to a homeless guy for 50 cents.' Finally the first guy cuts them both off. 'You guys don't understand.....Chunks is my girlfriends golden retriever.'

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A Cucumber, a pickle and a penis....

were sitting around one day arguing over who had the worse life. The cucumber starts by saying "I've got it the worst. Whenever I get big and hard, someone picks me, cuts me and puts me in salad."
The pickle looks at him and says "I have it way worse. Whenever I get big and hard someone picks me and throws me in a jar full of smelly juice."
The penis then pipes up and says "You both have it so easy. Whenever I get big and hard, someone grabs me, puts a tarp over me, throws me in a dark room and bangs my head against a wall until I throw up and pass out."

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A young lady, pregnant for the first time, visits her doctor for a check-up

After the exam, she says to the doctor, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

The doctor cuts her off and says, "I know, I know - it's normal. You can have sex until your third trimester."

The lady says, "No, that's not it. He wants to know how much longer can I can keep mowing the lawn."

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Two elderly ladies are smoking outside...

It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms.
When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier for a pack of condoms. He looks at her in disgust as he can't believe someone of her age would be having sex. He asks what kind she would like anyways as he doesn't want to lose his job.
She replys "honey, it doesn't matter what kind as long as it fits a camel"

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An older woman is watching the news

When a newscaster cuts in.

"Breaking news! We have reports of a car going the wrong way through heavy traffic on I-85."

The woman knows her husband is travelling, so she calls him up.

"Honey, some idiot's driving the wrong way on I-85. Be careful, please!"

Her husband practically yells back into the phone, "Thanks sweetie, but it's not just one; there's hundreds of them!"

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Having guests for dinner (somewhat vulgar)

A man and his wife had three children, one young boy and a teenage boy and girl. The family was having guests over for dinner one night. Before the guests arrive, the younger boy checks to see what everyone is doing. His mom was cutting carrots in the kitchen, and right as the boy walks in, cuts her hand and says "oh fuck!" The boy asks her what fuck means and she replies "oh it means to cut." The boy then goes to his dad, who is shaving in the bathroom. The dad cuts himself right as the boy walks in and says "oh shit!" The boy asks what shit means and the dad replies "oh it means to shave." The boy then goes to his older sister in the living room. She's talking on the phone with a friend and says "I love sucking cock" right as the boy walks in. The boy asks what sucking cock means and the sister replies "oh it means to talk on the phone." Then the boy goes to his older brother in his bedroom. The brother is watching TV and screams "you bitch!" right as the boy walks in. the boy asks what bitch means and the brother replies "oh it means TV." Soon after the guests arrive, and the young boy meets them at the door. One of the guests asks him what his family was doing.

The boy replied "my mom is fucking a carrot in the kitchen, my dad is shitting in the bathroom, my sister is sucking cock in the living room, and my brother is screaming at his bitch in his bedroom!"

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Two Old Ladies go out for a smoke in the rain

As they're smoking, Old Lady 1 takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and puts it over her cigarette. Old Lady 2 looks at her and, realizing what a good idea it is, asks "hey where'd you get that."

"The Pharmacy, you can get a huge box of em down there."

The next day, Old Lady 2 goes into the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "I need a box of condoms please"

The pharmacist looked at old lady questioningly (she was 80 after all) and asked "what size?"

The Old lady thought for a second and said "It doesn't matter, as long as it can fit on a Camel"

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Two old ladies were having a smoke

Jane and Arlene were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

**Arlene:** *What in the hell is that?*

**Jane:** *A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.*

**Arlene:** *Where did you get it?*

**Jane:** *You can get them at any pharmacy.*

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.

*'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'*

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The Viking's Talent

A man sees a poster advertising a circus that says:

"World sensation: A viking cuts a walnut in half with his penis!"

He doesn't believe this, so he buys a ticket, goes to the show and there really is a viking who puts a walnut on the table, unzips his pants, pulls out his manhood and with one swing cuts the walnut into two pieces. The man comes out amazed.

30 years later he sees a similiar poster:

"World sensation: A viking cuts a coconut in half with his penis!"

"Can it be the same viking?" the man thinks and buys a ticket to the show, where he sees the now much older viking slowly coming to the ring, placing a coconut on the table and after an aimed swing with his pecker two halves of coconut fall to the ground. After the show ended the man walks up to the viking and asks him, after this many years, why did he change from walnuts to coconuts? The viking answerd:

"You know, at this age, my vision is just not the same."

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A guy goes to a restaurant

and notices all the waiters had a spoon in their shirt pocket. He can't help but ask his waiter about the spoon and the waiter says: "Well, a Consulting Firm told us that having a spoon cuts the wait time when a patron drops theirs on the floor, we don't have to go all the way back and get another, just pull the one in our pocket"
The guy is amazed at the answer, but then notices the male waiters had a string coming out of the pants fly and asks his waiter about it.
"The same Consulting Firm -the waiter responds- said when we go pee, we waste so much time washing our hands that pulling it our with the string keeps us from having to handle it, and therefore we save time not having to wash our hands"
Our guy sees a flaw in this and asks the waiter "Well, the string works pulling it out, but how do you put it back in?" to which the waiter says:
"I don't know about the others, but I just use the spoon in my pocket"

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What's the best kind of grass for your front yard?

Emo grass. Cuz it cuts itself.

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So a man walks into a butcher shop and eyes several of the finest steaks...

There are cuts of meat on shelves all throughout the store. The butcher likes how this man carries himself so he offers him a proposition. He says, "If you can grab the slab of meat on the shelf over there that you've been looking at since you got in here, you can have it for free. Otherwise you have to pay me $100."

The man thinks about this for a moment, seeing that the juicy appetizing steak is only a few shelves up, *maybe if I stretch I can grab it*...

But then he cracks and yells running out of the shop, "The stakes are too high!"

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Foul-mouthed Timmy

Timmy, a 6 year old, was walking home one day, when he heard his neighbors screaming, "Put your penis in my vagina!" Timmy goes home to his mother, who is cooking dinner for a dinner party with their neighbors. Timmy asks his mother, "What does penis and vagina mean?" His mother says that a penis is a hat and a vagina is a coat. Then his mother cuts her hand and says, "FUCK! Sorry Timmy, fuck means to slice something, okay?" Timmy says ok and goes to see his older brother, who is playing video games. "You bitches and hoe are mine!" says his brother. Timmy asks what bitches and hoes means, so his brother tells him that it means ladies and gentlemen. Then Timmy hears his father in the bathroom saying, "This looks like jizz on my face." Timmy sees his dad shaving his beard in the bathroom and asks him what jizz means. His dad says that jizz is a type of shaving cream. Then Timmy hears the doorbell ring and he goes to see his neighbors at the door for the dinner party. Timmy attempts to use his new vocabulary and greets his neighbors by saying, "Hello you bitches and hoes! May I take your penis and your vagina? My mother is in the kitchen fucking the turkey and my dad is in the bathroom wiping the jizz off of his face!"

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What are the most funny Cuts jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Cuts? Well, here are the best Cuts dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Cuts pick up lines to share with friends.

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