Cut Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree

When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, Wait! I'm a talking tree!

The lumberjack laughed and said, And you will dialogue.

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

Am I in heaven? asks the disoriented priest.

No says one of the nurses. We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward.

I'm not having much luck with jobs lately.

I couldn't concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn't suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn't cut it as barber; didn't have the patience to be a doctor; didn't fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn't see any future as a historian.

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.

Me: What are you trying to say?

Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

"Son you're just not cut out to be a mime."

"Is it something I said?"

"Yes."

Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut?

"NASA: The Sky's The Limit"

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I'm holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."...

...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."

The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.

Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"

Just found out the local barber has been arrested for selling drugs.

I've been a customer of his for 15 years and I didn't even know he cut hair.

"Son, I don't think you're cut out to be a mime."

"Was it something I said?" Asks the son.

"Yes."

10 Ways to cut down on clickbait!

Well, that wasn't one of them.

I can cut a piece of wood in half by only looking at it

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring

The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it every day.

I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was a sham rock.

How does a Mexican cut a pizza?

With *little* *caesars*

A guy walks into a bar...

He sees 2 steaks nailed to the ceiling. He asks the bartender, "What's up with those two steaks?"
The bartender replies,
"if you can jump up and take those two steaks from the ceiling, I'll give you $1,000,000, if not, I'll cut your arms off."
The guy then replies,
"I won't do it, the stakes are too high."

I was talking to a girl in a bar last night

She said, "If you lost a few kgs, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

What is long, black and dangerous to cut into?

the line at KFC

I once tried to make a square but I ended up with an octagon

That's what happens when you cut corners

I took a girl home from the club last night

as we got inside the house i said, "You'll be walking funny tomorrow."

"ooooooh" she smiled, "Have a big cock do we"

I locked the door and said, "No, i'm going to cut off your feet."

Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous."

Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"

Surgeon: "I know, I am"

Last day of work...(nsfw)

I called my boss and asked him "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" Just as he was about to reply I cut him off and said "I'm not coming in this morning."

A lumberjack went to a magic forest to cut a Tree..

Upon arrival to the tree he started swinging at the tree.
"But, I'm a talking tree" said the tree.
"And you will dialogue" replied the lumberjack.

I remember when my dad once gave me money to pay the electricity bill.

Instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me.

But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the house door, parked outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried; especially me, because the car was from the electricity company and they were there to cut off the electricity, so my dad beat the crap out of me again.

How does the man in the moon cut his hair? (From my 9yo child)

Eclipse it.

Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets?

So they can run their hands through their hair.

How do you cut Rome in Half?

Use a pair of Caesars

Boy wants a car from his Dad

the Dad says, "first you gotta cut that hair."


Boy says, "but Dad, Jesus had long hair"


and Dad says
"that's right son, and Jesus walked everywhere"

(credit goes to the band The Silver Jews)

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of caesars.

A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor

So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking, my friend replied "yeah, to hide my mistakes I don't need 6 feet of soil!"

My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.

"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."

"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.

"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.

"But don't they just fall off?"

"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

It's true, I can cut a piece of wood just by staring at it

I saw it with my own eyes

Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.

The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.

The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.

The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."

I can cut wood using just my eyes

It is true, I saw it with my own eyes

How does the man on the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

A little girl and boy are in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl starts to cry so the little boy asks her "What's wrong?"

The little girl responds "I have to get a blood test so they're going to cut open my finger."

The little boy's jaw drops and he says "Oh no! I'm getting a urine test."

Shaky hands

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."

The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

How did Isis move from 5th wanted terrorist group to the most wanted terrorist group?

They cut a head

How does Harry Potter like his sandwiches to be cut ?

Diagon alley

Japanese Banking Crisis

Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry.


In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.


Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived.


Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black.


Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank where it's feared staff may get a raw deal.

As a lumberjack i know i have cut down 2,718 trees.

Because every time I cut one down I keep a log.

I'm making a film about emos.

I really need to stop saying "cut!" at the end of each scene.

My instructor just told me that I'm not cut out to be a mime

It must have been something I said

Pickle Slicer

A guy comes home from work and tells his wife that he was fired. Wife asks why? Husband says he got caught sticking his dick in the pickle slicer. Wife panicked - asked to look at his penis. Penis looked good, didn't have a cut on it. Puzzled, the wife asks, 'What happened to the pickle slicer?'

The husband looks up and says,
'She got fired as well'.

When I was 5 I cried when I saw my mom cut up onions in the kitchen

I miss onions. She was a really nice cat.

My doctor said I need to cut back my sodium intake...

...but I tend to take everything he says with a grain of salt.

I watched director's cut of a porn film...

At the end he actually fixed the washing machine.

Scientists found out that crabs hear through their legs.

A scientist yelled at a crab and it ran away. Then he cut of its legs and yelled at it again. And suddenly the crab didn't run away anymore.

A joke about the different branches of the US military.

What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?

A sailor says, I'd step on it

A soldier says I'd report it to my CO

A marine says I'd catch it, cut off it's tail and eat it!

An airman responds I'd pick up the phone and call room service and ask why's there a fucking tent in my room

An 8 year old girl cuts her hand on a thorn...

...and rushes inside shouting "Mommy, Mommy! I've cut my hand on a thorn! Can you get me some cider?"

Confused, her mother says "You're 8 years old, you're not having any cider."

"But Mommy, I've cut my hand on a thorn! I need to soak it in a bowl of cider!"

Laughing, her mother says "Why cider?"

"Because the other day I overheard big sis saying that when she gets a big prick in her hand she can't wait to get it in cider!"

A woman gets a call from kidnappers.

"We have your son," said the kidnapper.

"I don't have a son," says the woman.

"Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crust off his sandwiches?"

"Oh, God you have my husband!"

A man walks into a barbershop...

...and says, "I want you to cut my hair longer on the left side and shorter on the right side. Make it uneven along the back, jagged in the front, and take out a big chunk right near the top."

The barber says, "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't do that."

The man replies, "Why not? It's what you did last time."

My butcher is very rude

I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder

I tried out for suicide club

I didn't make the cut

A man orders a pizza

A man orders a pizza. The waiter asks him: "Do you want your pizza cut in six or eight Pieces?" The man replies: "Six, i dont think i can eat eight"

I'm opening a pet grooming business.

I'm calling it "Bitch, I will cut you"

(NSFW) I heard that Research In Motion, the company that makes BlackBerry phones, is hiring.

So I ran a Google search on RIM Jobs. And you know what? I don't think I'm cut out for this line of work after all.

A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.

The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.

How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees? he asks himself.

Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn't work properly.

Hmm, it looks okay, says the server, and starts the chainsaw.

The man jumps back in shock and cries, What's that noise?

A bloke walks into a barber's shop with his 5 yr old daughter.

While he sit's down to get his hair cut, the daughter stands right beside him eating a cupcake.

The barber warns her:
"Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your muffin."

She looks him in the eye:
"I know. I'm gonna grow tits too."

Why did the bald guy cut a hole in his pocket?

Because he wanted to run his fingers through his hair.

10 years ago to this day, I cut myself with a stick of RAM

I guess you could say I have a pretty sharp memory.

If lesbians don't like men, then why do they use dildos?

Because scissoring just doesn't cut it.

What do you get when you cut an avocado into 6.022x10^23 pieces?

Guacamole.

A blond and a redhead are talking one afternoon.

Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"

Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."

Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"

Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."

Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to the vet?"

Blond - "Well I heard that Walmart was the larger retailer in the country."


Credit goes to my mother for this one.

Scientists tested a frog.

They cut off its legs and said "jump!"

The frog didn't jump.

Scientists therefore concluded that when frogs lose their legs, they become deaf.

I found out my date likes to dissect people from Southeast Asia.

I've since decided to cut Thais with her.

How bad does it hurt to get a finger cut off?

I'd say about a 9 out of 10

I cut my pizza into 7 bits

I haven't had a byte yet

My doctor told me to cut down on my sodium intake.

Ive been taking his advice with a grain of salt.

My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.

When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again.ο»Ώ

Did you hear about the man who had his right side cut off

He's dead. Died from blood loss. Poor guy. On the bright side, his family got what's left of him.

Out walking last night decided to take short cut through a Cemetery when 3 young girls came towards me and said they were petrified walking through the grave yard and asked if they could walk along side me so I said yes...

As we were walking I said don't worry I understand I used to be petrified walking through here when I was alive.
Never seen anybody run so fast.

I used to cut and burn myself.

Then I took culinary classes.

I killed a kid while stationed in Afghanistan

So me and my buddies asked a village elder if we could buy a kid as a joke. We didn't think he'd actually sell. $200. So we bring him back to our patrol base then realize...we can't keep this fucking kid. What will we do with him? So we decided we had to get rid of him. Cut his throat, drained all his blood, then butchered him like he was a deer. Threw him on the grill and ate him.
Goat meat isn't bad. Kinda chewy.

Two boys sitting to pee

Two five year old boys are sitting at the potty to pee.

When one says, " Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"

" I've been circumcised." Says the second boy.

" What does that mean?"

"It means they cut the protective skin skin off the end."

" How old were you when it was cut off?"

" My mom said that I was two days old."

" Did it hurt?"

" You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a whole year!"

How do you get an emo kid out of a tree?

You cut the rope

My mom asked me what i wanted for xmas. I told her some clothes and something small to play with

She gave me underwear with a hole cut in the front

I got a paper cut while writing my suicide note.

It's a start.

I need Jesus in my life

This lawn aint gonna cut itself

A guy calls his wife to say he's had an accident at the factory

He says, "I got my finger cut off!"

She asks, "The whole finger?"

He replies, "No, the one next to it."

What are the funniest cut jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Cut? Well, here are the best Cut puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Cut pick up lines to share with friends.

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