Cut Jokes
142 cut jokes and hilarious cut puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cut that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Cut Short Jokes
Short cut jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cut humour may include short pare jokes also.
- A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."
The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot." - A lumberjack once told me he's cut down 27,572 trees. How do ya know exactly how many? I inquired.
Easy. I keep a log. - Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut? "NASA: The Sky's The Limit"
- My 12 year old just told me a joke He said I've been trying to cut down the amount of video games I play, I'm only playing for 30 minutes before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 8 times.
- Just found out the local barber has been arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer of his for 15 years and I didn't even know he cut hair.
- A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree. It shouted, Wait! I'm a talking tree The lumberjack smiled, and you will dialogue .
- Elon Musk lands on mars and steps out of his spaceship ### "It's a small step for a man, but a giant leap for mankind," says the ground control officer and cuts off all communications.
- (from my 11 yo) What does Darth Vader say after cutting someone's head off with a lightsaber? "I find your lack of face disturbing."
- A transgender person cut me in line at the supermarket. You're LGBT, right? I asked.
You forgot about the 'Q', they replied bluntly.
No, I said, you did. - "Son, I don't think you're cut out to be a mime." "Was it something I said?" Asks the son.
"Yes."
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Cut One Liners
Which cut one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cut? I can suggest the ones about slit and slice.
- I can cut down a tree just by looking at it It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
- "Son you're just not cut out to be a mime." "Is it something I said?"
"Yes." - 10 Ways to cut down on clickbait! Well, that wasn't one of them.
- How does a Mexican cut a pizza? With *little* *caesars*
- What is long, black and dangerous to cut into? the line at KFC
- I can't come up with any jokes about cutting down trees. I'm stumped.
- How does the man in the moon cut his hair? (From my 9yo child) Eclipse it.
- I can cut wood by staring at it. I saw it with my own eyes.
- What do you call a committee of emo kids? A cutting board
- How was the Roman Empire cut in half? With a pair of caesars.
- It's true, I can cut a piece of wood just by staring at it I saw it with my own eyes
- I can cut wood using just my eyes It is true, I saw it with my own eyes
- What is Jimmy McGill's favorite cut of meat? Chuck roast.
- How does the man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
- How does Harry Potter like his sandwiches to be cut ? Diagon alley
Finger Cut Jokes
Here is a list of funny finger cut jokes and even better finger cut puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the bald guy cut a hole in his pocket? Because he wanted to run his fingers through his hair.
- How bad does it hurt to get a finger cut off? I'd say about a 9 out of 10
- A guy calls his wife to say he's had an accident at the factory He says, "I got my finger cut off!"
She asks, "The whole finger?"
He replies, "No, the one next to it." - A man cuts off two fingers on one hand in a work accident Will I still be able to write with it? He asks the doctor.
The doctor says, Probably, but I wouldn't count on it - I know there's a reason why I cut my hands off. I just can't put my finger on it right now.
- I recently took up wood carving, and accidentally cut my finger. It's nothing serious. It's just a whittle cut.
- I cut off a finger in an accident at work I called my wife from the hospital and told her the terrible news.
"Oh, no" she cried "Was it the whole finger?"
"No" I replied "It was the one next to it." - A construction worker comes home from work. He tells his wife, "Honey, I cut off my finger today."
She replies, "The whole finger!?"
He says, "No, the one right next to it." - A man cut off his finger at work He called his wife and said honey, I just cut my finger off at work
She replied your whole finger?!
Thankfully no, the one next to it. - Yesterday this guy walks up on my lawn and gives me the finger. I swear that's the last time I try to cut my tree limbs without gloves.
Cut Finger Jokes
Here is a list of funny cut finger jokes and even better cut finger puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- You should try... Dad: I cut my finger
Me: you should put some tryactin on that
Dad: what's tryactin?
Me: try acting like a man - One day a man working at a lumber mill had his finger cut off. When he got home after work and told his wife she asked, "The whole finger?" He replied, "No, the one next to it."
- I cut my finger chopping cheese... I think that I may have grater problems.
- In a pinch, you can cut the fingers off of rubber gloves and use each of them as a contraceptive. Just a handy tip.
- I was having a quick rest at the gym last night when i noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to fit my finger in, to cut a long story short, she complained and now I have to find another gym.
- Ever hear the story of the woman who swallowed a razor? She got a tonsillectomy, histerectomy, circumsized her husband, and cut off the neighbor's finger.
- A lesbian impotent Bit her tongue and cut a finger.
- A man gets into an accident in which both his ring fingers are cut off. Needless to say, his wife was shocked.
- I keep cutting my finger by mistake a lot lately... It Hz
- Chuck Norris cuts paper by sticking his fingers out in a V and moving them up and down.
Cut Off Finger Jokes
Here is a list of funny cut off finger jokes and even better cut off finger puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How did Marvel cut their labor costs by half? With a snap of a finger.
- I know every digit in Pie! I just wish I hadn't cut my finger off while baking it
- I cut my little finger today... ... because I didn't like the way it looked.
- How do you punish Helen Keller? You cut off her fingers^I'm^so^sorry
- What did Jeffrey d**... do after cutting off his victims fingers? Smoked a joint.
Cut Grass Jokes
Here is a list of funny cut grass jokes and even better cut grass puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I wish grass was emo... ...then it would cut itself.
- What's the best kind of grass for your front yard? Emo grass. Cuz it cuts itself.
- My Dad has got a great new job. He has 600 men under him. He cuts grass at the graveyard.
- I wish my grass was emo So it could cut itself
- I wish my grass was emo.... So that it would cut itself
- I bought some of that emo grass seed, it's brilliant. The grass cuts itself.
- If you cut the grass around your deck ... It makes your deck look bigger.
- I'm having some Italian grass put in my yard. Then I can mow Milan. Hopefully I can cut a Pisa grass while I Rome around.
- I just reseeded my lawn with emo grass. It cuts itself...
- My grass loves when I cut it. I make it mown.
Cheerful Fun Cut Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about cut you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean trim jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cut pranks.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree
When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, Wait! I'm a talking tree!
The lumberjack laughed and said, And you will dialogue.
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
Am I in heaven? asks the disoriented priest.
No says one of the nurses. We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward.
I'm not having much luck with jobs lately.
I couldn't concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn't suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn't cut it as barber; didn't have the patience to be a doctor; didn't fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn't see any future as a historian.
I dropped my knife and cut off a toe
After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.
Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.
Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.
Me: No way. Whats the good news?
Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I'm holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."...
...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
"Who's Sisyphus?" she asks. You begin to respond: "it's this myth about a guy being punished in the underworld where he has to-"
Her phone rings.
"One second," she says. A few minutes later, she prompts you to continue: "I'm sorry, I cut you off."
You start again. "Sisyphus is a-"
Her phone rings again. "Sorry, one sec."
A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.
There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, Do you have any last words?
The m**... said, Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.
So, I hadn't showered for a week by the day I killed my wife. I tied her up and told her that I'd cut her apart while she was still alive, and she told me, 'At least cut my nose off first.'
Everyone there burst out laughing. The hangman said, That joke was about something terrible! Why was it so funny?
Well, I believe you can make a joke about any topic funny, said the m**.... After all, good comedy is all about execution.
I'm not having much luck with jobs lately.
I wasn't suited to be a tailor.
The muffler factory was just exhausting.
I couldn't cut it as a barber.
I didn't have the patience to be a doctor.
I wasn't a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.
The paper shop folded. Pool maintenance was too draining.
I got fired from the cannon factory.
And I just couldn't see any future as a historian.
A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog s**... on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."
I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."
I can cut a piece of wood in half by only looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring
The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it every day.
I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.
It was a sham rock.
Russia has been cut off from CNN, CBS, ABC Pornhub, Facebook...
US is working depriving Russians of McDonalds, Coca-Cola and US fastfood. They continue with these sanctions and Russian people will probably be the most healthiest, well adjusted, spiritual and well informed people on the planet.
So my mom is getting her foot cut off today.. (really)
We told her she can lean on us for support. Although, we are going to have to change her driver's license, her height is going down by a foot.
I don't want to go too far out on a limb here but it better not be a hack job.
A guy walks into a bar...
He sees 2 steaks nailed to the ceiling. He asks the bartender, "What's up with those two steaks?"
The bartender replies,
"if you can jump up and take those two steaks from the ceiling, I'll give you $1,000,000, if not, I'll cut your arms off."
The guy then replies,
"I won't do it, the stakes are too high."
I was talking to a girl in a bar last night
She said, "If you lost a few kgs, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
I can cut a piece of wood in two pieces just by looking at it.
It may seem impossible, but I saw it with my own two eyes
I once tried to make a square but I ended up with an octagon
That's what happens when you cut corners
Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous."
Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"
Surgeon: "I know, I am"
Last day of work...(n**...)
I called my boss and asked him "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" Just as he was about to reply I cut him off and said "I'm not coming in this morning."
A lumberjack went to a magic forest to cut a Tree..
Upon arrival to the tree he started swinging at the tree.
"But, I'm a talking tree" said the tree.
"And you will dialogue" replied the lumberjack.
A lumberjack walks into the company office to get paid.
The secretary says, I have a check here for cutting down 236 trees this week.
The lumberjack replies, I actually cut down 237 trees.
Are you sure? , says the secretary, Your foreman counted 236 on the truck.
Sure, I'm sure, replies the lumberjack. I kept a log .
British teenager Emma Raducanu has just won $2.5m by winning the US open final
Sadly she needed 2 band-aids and a bandage for a cut on her leg in the last game, so she still owes about $25k
Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets?
So they can run their hands through their hair.
Boy wants a car from his Dad
the Dad says, "first you gotta cut that hair."
Boy says, "but Dad, Jesus had long hair"
and Dad says
"that's right son, and Jesus walked everywhere"
(credit goes to the band The Silver Jews)
A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor
So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking, my friend replied "yeah, to hide my mistakes I don't need 6 feet of soil!"
My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..
"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.
"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.
"Does it hurt?" she asked.
"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."
"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.
"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.
"But don't they just fall off?"
"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
My long past criminally psychopathic grandfather's favourite joke: What do you get if you cut a policeman's head into four pieces?
Police Headquarters…..
Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.
The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.
The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.
The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."
This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.
A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the third time he said, "Look, if you don't let me unlock the d**... door you're never going to get in there!
A little girl and boy are in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl starts to cry so the little boy asks her "What's wrong?"
The little girl responds "I have to get a blood test so they're going to cut open my finger."
The little boy's jaw drops and he says "Oh no! I'm getting a u**... test."
In a couple weeks, all gas stations are going to cut prices in half for a whole day
April Fuels!
How did Isis move from 5th wanted t**... group to the most wanted t**... group?
They cut a head
Japanese Banking Crisis
Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry.
In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived.
Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black.
Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank where it's feared staff may get a raw deal.
As a lumberjack i know i have cut down 2,718 trees.
Because every time I cut one down I keep a log.
I'm making a film about emos.
I really need to stop saying "cut!" at the end of each scene.
My instructor just told me that I'm not cut out to be a mime
It must have been something I said
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!"
The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
When I was 5 I cried when I saw my mom cut up onions in the kitchen
I miss onions. She was a really nice cat.
My doctor said I need to cut back my sodium intake...
...but I tend to take everything he says with a grain of salt.
My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.
One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.
It was a sham rock.
I can cut this piece of wood just by looking at it.
It's true. I saw it with my own eyes!
So Fred has accidentally cut off John's ear with his s**....
John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his s**... and cut off John's ear.
"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it they can sew it back on."
After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is", handing the ear to John.
"That's not it," said John, throwing the ear back in the muddy ditch. "Mine had a pencil behind it."
Scientists found out that c**... hear through their legs.
A scientist yelled at a crab and it ran away. Then he cut of its legs and yelled at it again. And suddenly the crab didn't run away anymore.
A woman gets a call from kidnappers.
"We have your son," said the kidnapper.
"I don't have a son," says the woman.
"Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crust off his sandwiches?"
"Oh, God you have my husband!"
How do lumberjacks know how many trees they have cut down?
They keep a log!
A man walks into a barbershop...
...and says, "I want you to cut my hair longer on the left side and shorter on the right side. Make it uneven along the back, jagged in the front, and take out a big chunk right near the top."
The barber says, "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't do that."
The man replies, "Why not? It's what you did last time."
My butcher is very rude
I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder
What do Mexicans use to cut pizzas?
Little Ceasers
I went to get my hair cut today but there were so many in front of me.
After an hour the manager started to hand out hot dogs and burgers as an apology for the long wait.
It was the Best Barber Queue ever!
the three legged pig joke reminded me of a joke my dad once told me
a scientist was doing an experiment on a frog in his lab, he placed the frog down on the floor and said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped 4 feet and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 4 legs, jumps 4 feet"
he then cut off one of the frogs legs and again said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped only 3 feet this time and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 3 legs, jumps 3 feet"
he cut off a 2nd leg and said "Frog jump!". this time the frog only jumped 2 feet and so he noted
"frog with 2 legs, jumps 2 feet"
he then cut off a 3rd leg and again said "Frog jump!". the frog only jumped a foot and so he noted
"frog with 1 leg, jumps 1 foot"
the scientist then cut off the frogs last remaining leg and said "Frog jump!, Frog jump!, FROG JUMP!!!!!" but the frog did not move. so he noted
"frog with 0 legs, deaf"
I tried out for s**... club
I didn't make the cut
A man orders a pizza
A man orders a pizza. The waiter asks him: "Do you want your pizza cut in six or eight Pieces?" The man replies: "Six, i dont think i can eat eight"
There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car...
The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?"
The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in."
The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?"
The other one answered," No, people will think we're too s**... to use the coat hanger."
The other one said, "Well we better think of something quick because it's starting to rain and the sunroof is open."
A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.
The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.
How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees? he asks himself.
Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn't work properly.
Hmm, it looks okay, says the server, and starts the chainsaw.
The man jumps back in shock and cries, What's that noise?
10 years ago to this day, I cut myself with a stick of RAM
I guess you could say I have a pretty sharp memory.
What do you get when you cut an avocado into 6.022x10^23 pieces?
Guacamole.
A blond and a redhead are talking one afternoon.
Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"
Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."
Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"
Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."
Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to the vet?"
Blond - "Well I heard that Walmart was the larger retailer in the country."
Credit goes to my mother for this one.
Scientists tested a frog.
They cut off its legs and said "jump!"
The frog didn't jump.
Scientists therefore concluded that when frogs lose their legs, they become deaf.
