Cut Finger Jokes
35 cut finger jokes and hilarious cut finger puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cut finger that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Cut Finger Short Jokes
Short cut finger jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cut finger humour may include short finger cut jokes also.
- Why did the bald guy cut a hole in his pocket? Because he wanted to run his fingers through his hair.
- A guy calls his wife to say he's had an accident at the factory He says, "I got my finger cut off!"
She asks, "The whole finger?"
He replies, "No, the one next to it." - I recently took up wood carving, and accidentally cut my finger. It's nothing serious. It's just a whittle cut.
- Yesterday this guy walks up on my lawn and gives me the finger. I swear that's the last time I try to cut my tree limbs without gloves.
- You should try... Dad: I cut my finger
Me: you should put some tryactin on that
Dad: what's tryactin?
Me: try acting like a man - In a pinch, you can cut the fingers off of rubber gloves and use each of them as a contraceptive. Just a handy tip.
- A man gets into an accident in which both his ring fingers are cut off. Needless to say, his wife was shocked.
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Cut Finger One Liners
Which cut finger one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cut finger? I can suggest the ones about missing finger and stick finger.
- A lesbian impotent Bit her tongue and cut a finger.
- How did Marvel cut their labor costs by half? With a snap of a finger.
- How bad does it hurt to get a finger cut off? I'd say about a 9 out of 10
- I cut my finger chopping cheese... I think that I may have grater problems.
- What did Jeffrey d**... do after cutting off his victims fingers? Smoked a joint.
- I know every digit in Pie! I just wish I hadn't cut my finger off while baking it
Comical Cut Finger Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
What funny jokes about cut finger you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean middle finger jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cut finger pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic.
Bill happened to be crying very loudly.
"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.
"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.
"So? Are you afraid?"
"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."
As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.
Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"
To which Bob replied, "I came for a u**... test!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You're a r**... if:
-You have more fingers than you do teeth
-You cut your grass and find a car
-You consider Denny's a Fancy Resturant
-Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors
-Your age is higher than your I.Q.
-Your favorite pickup line is "Does this look infected to you?"
-You ask your wife whether the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies "It's a gummy bear."
-You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up.
-You say "Watch this" every time before you goto the hospital.
-Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was cooking last night and made a joke about being able to figure out the fractions in my head without cutting one of my fingers off. No one laughed.
Guess I wasn't appealing to the lowest common denominator.
Car Keys
Tom and Barney got out and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to remove the key from the ignition.
Realizing their mistake, Tom asked, "Why don't we use a coat hanger to open it?"
"No, that won't work," answered Barney. "People will think we're trying to break in."
So Tom suggested, "What if we use a pocketknife to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger in, and pull up the lock?"
"No," said Barney. "People will think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger."
"Well," sighed Tom, "we'd better thing of something quick. It's starting to rain, and the sun roof is open!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 Men Die and go to Heaven... (Joke dedicated to phoncible)
St. Peter at the gate says that there is only one spot left, and he'll give it to the guy that died in the worst way between the three of them.
So the first guy says, "I came home from work, suspecting my wife of cheating on me. I find no man around, but my wife is disrobed and laying in the bed. Finally, after searching for awhile, I find a man hanging off our balcony. So I hammer him fingers until he falls to his death. Unfortunately, he lands in some bushes and, save for a few cuts and bruises, he's alright. So, as mad as I am, I throw our fridge out over the balcony on top of him. I felt so bad, that I shot myself."
St. Peter says, "My, that's a terrible story. I don't know if these 2 can top that."
So the second guy begins. "Well, I'm doing yoga on my balcony in just my sweatpants. I live on the 23rd floor of my apartment building. Well, due to an odd series of yoga stretches, I fall. Luckily, I caught the floor below me. And here comes someone to help me up! But then he starts hammering my fingers! So I fall, thinking this is it. But I land in some bushes and I'm OK! And that's when I see a refrigerator..."
St. Peter is stunned, thinking no one can top this story. So the third guy looks at the others and says,
"Picture this. You're n**... in a refrigerator."
So the army is forced to cut the pensions of some of their veterans...
In order to repay the veterans for their service they bring in three veterans. They tell the three that they will be reimbursed in money, in that each one can choose two points of their body, and the distance between the two will be how much money they receive.
Anyway, the first man goes and says, "I'll have my outstretched wingspan measured."
His wingspan is 160cm, so he is given $160.
The second man chooses the top of his head and his feet.
His height is 175cm, so he is given $175.
The third man steps up and says, "I'll have the distance from my right palm to my right index finger."
The military people first are confused, but then the man taking the measurements looks at his hand.
"Where's your right index finger, soldier?"
The veteran smiles and says, "Back where I lost it, in Vietnam."
An artist, an engineer, and a civil planner are arguing about God's occupation by observing the human body.
The artist says, "God is an artist. You only need to see the beautiful shapes of our muscles, the rich colors of our skin, the textures of our hair to see that."
The engineer says, "God is a engineer. You only need to see the wonders of the human body and its ability to grow and rebuild itself, the perfect mechanisms of its joints, its balance and speed and grace to see that."
The civil planner gives them the finger and says, "God is an accountant! That sumbitch cut the cost of materials in half by running a waste disposal plant through a pristine recreational area!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bring the fingers.
A man working with an electric saw accidentally cuts off all of his fingers.
At the emergency room, his doctor says, "Give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."
The injured man repies, "But I don't have the fingers!"
"Why didn't you bring them?" the doctor asks.
The injured man responds, "Doc, I couldn't pick them up."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little girl and boy are in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl starts to cry so the little boy asks her "What's wrong?"
The little girl responds "I have to get a blood test so they're going to cut open my finger."
The little boy's jaw drops and he says "Oh no! I'm getting a u**... test."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tests
Two guys were crying in front of a hospital when they meet a common friend of theirs. The friend asked them why they were crying.
First guy: I was here for a blood test and they cut my finger for blood sample.
The friend said it's perfectly natural and thats how they take a sample. The second guy immediately started crying harder then before. The friend got confused and asked him what happened.
Second guy: I'm here for u**... test.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A walks into a drug store in London
A man walks into a drugstore in London and ask the pharmacist for some American razor blades. The pharmacist asks if he is sure, because England makes the finest razor blades in the world. But the man insists on American razor blades.
"Have it your way" says the pharmacist, "but I can assure you that ours are the best. Just last week my wife accidentally swallowed one. It gave her a tonsillectomy, a hysterectomy, an appendectomy, circumcised the gardner, emasculated the chauffeur, cut two of the butler's fingers off, and I still got ten shaves out of it"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Another Blonde Joke
Two blondes stood by a car in which they had accidentally locked the key.
We need to get in there, says the first blonde. Why don't we use a coat hanger to slide the lock open?
No, says the second. People'd think we're trying to steal the car.
I have a pair of scissors, says the first. We could use it to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger in and pull up the lock."
No, they'd just say we're too s**... to use a coat hanger.
Well, we'd better think of something fast, sighed the first blonde. It's starting to rain and all the car windows are open.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man cut off his finger at work
He called his wife and said honey, I just cut my finger off at work
She replied your whole finger?!
Thankfully no, the one next to it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The butcher
A butcher gets his finger stuck in a slicer and cuts it off. He spends all day at the hospital getting the stump sewn up, then calls his wife.
"Honey, I'm in the hospital," he says. "I accidentally cut off my finger, but I'm OK."
"Oh, God!" she cries. "The whole finger?"
"No. The one next to it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three Surgeons meet in a bar...
Three Surgeons meet in a bar and talk about their work. The first one says "I sew 2 fingers that were cut off back on a guys hand, and I did it so well that he still became a famous pianist". The second one says "Thats nothing, I sew a guys legs back to his torso and did it so well that he still was able to win gold in the olympics". The third one says "a cowboy and his horse were hit by a train and the only thing i had left to work with was the guys a**... and the horses blond mane. I did my best and the guy became president of the USA".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bill and Bob..
Bill and Bob, two ten year olds, were sitting in the waiting room of a pediatric clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.
"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.
"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.
"So? Are you afraid?"
"No. For the blood test, but mom said they will cut my finger to get the blood."
As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.
Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "And why are you crying now?"
To which Bob replied, "Mom brought me for a u**... test!"
