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Customs Officer Jokes

63 customs officer jokes and hilarious customs officer puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about customs officer that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Best Short Customs Officer Jokes

Short customs officer jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The customs officer humour may include short customs jokes also.

  1. Putin at the airport Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk.

    Customs officer: Occupation?
    Putin: No, just visiting.
  2. A German man visiting France He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, "Name?"
    "Hans Muller" replies the German.
    "Occupation?"
    "No, just visiting this time."
  3. My first day as a car salesman... Customer: Cargo space?
    Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
    Manager: Can I see you in my office?
  4. A British man visits Australia A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks "Do you have a previous criminal history?"
    The visitor replies "I didn't realize that was still a requirement"
  5. A British man enters customs at an Australian airport. The officer asks
    "Do you have a criminal record?"
    The man looks confused and replies
    "No, do I still need one?"
  6. A German arrives at Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris Customs officer: Occupation?
    German: Nein, just visiting.
  7. Vladimir Putin is at an airport and is going through customs. Customs officer: Occupation?
    Putin: No, just visiting.
  8. As a customs officer, I don't always agree with people... ...but I see where they come from.
  9. I work as a Customs Officer and yesterday I had my yearly performance review. They feel I'm borderline incompetent.
  10. A Chinese man is walking through customs. The customs officer asks him his occupation
    The Chinese man replies, Tibet

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Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about customs officer can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of customs officer puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

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Customs Officer One Liners

Which customs officer one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with customs officer? I can suggest the ones about police officer and customs border.

  1. I hate people who take drugs Mainly customs officers
  2. I hate people that take drugs You know, customs officers and policemen.
  3. Customer: I want cargo space Me: Car no do that. Car no fly
    Manager: See me in my office
  4. I really hate people thar take drugs Especially police and customs officers.
  5. I hate people who think it's cool to take drugs ...like customs officers
  6. Some people think it's so fulfilling to take drugs every day... Customs Officers!!

Customs Officer Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about customs officer you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean officer jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make customs officer prank.

Boss: *Shouting* "Little Johnny come to my office right now.

.."
Little Johnny: "Yes sir"!
Boss : "Little Johnny, I saw you arguing with the customer that just left. I have told you before that the customer is always right. Do you understand me?"
Little Johnny: "Yes sir!, the customer is always right".
Boss : "So what were you arguing about with that customer?"
Little Johnny: "He said my boss is s**... and an idiot sir"!
Boss: "That bustard. What did u say to him?"
Little Johnny: "I told him he's right

A beautiful woman in her thirties was passing through customs in London, when the customs official asks her what the reason for her trip to London was.
Business or pleasure, he asks?
Sadness and pleasure!
She says to the officer!
Why?
Well, my 75 years old husband has just died and I came to his f**...!
My condolences, says the officer!
It must be a very difficult and painful time you're going through!
Not really, this is my pleasure!
I'm so sad because only now I found out that he was dead broke and did not leave a dime, a penny, not even a will for me!

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.


She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:
"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have
really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under
your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie."
"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to
declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son",he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.

One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

A young girl with a bag is crossing the customs.


Customs officers check her bag and find some kind of powder.
They ask the girl: "What kind of powder is that?"
"h**..."
"But h**... is matte-white, and this powder is orange."
"This is a kids' heroine – orange taste."

An usher at a movie theatre notices a customer laying across three seats near the back of the theatre.
He tells the customer that he can only take up one seat.
The customer justs moans and rolls his eyes.
The usher goes to get his supervisor who also tells the customer he must only take one seat or he will call the police.
Once again the customer justs moans and rolls his eyes.
The supervisor calls the police, who come and tell the customer that he has been told by the usher and the manager to sit up and that he can only take up one seat.
"What's wrong with you?" they ask.
The customer justs moans and rolls his eyes.
The police officer asks the man "Where did you come from?"
The man lifts a hand in the air, and says "the balcony"...

The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Ma'am", said the employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered 'til Sunday."
There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition. "So that's why no one was in church today."

A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities.
I called several hotels, with no luck.
Finally, I thought I had found one.
I asked the receptionist if the hotel had a weight room.
"No," she replied, "but we have a lobby and you can wait there."

Father, do you have anything to declare?

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, Father, may I ask a favor?
Of course you may. What can I do for you?
Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?
I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.
With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.
When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, Father, do you have anything to declare?
From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.
The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?
I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.
Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, God bless you, Father, go ahead.

I cannot tell a lie.

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie."
"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the "hair remover".
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvellous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"

The greatest salesman....

So the greatest salesman of all time sees a potential customer and stops him. The customer tells the salesman that he is in a hurry, the salesman tells him that he is selling energy drinks so he can get faster to his destination. I dont have time for this, says the customer. Time!! I'm selling Citizen, Bulova, Mont Blanc. No thanks, says the customer i'm in a hurry got to go to the office. Office!!! says the salesman, I got Desks, Computers, Laptops, Pen. STOP BOTHERING MEEE!!! I do not feel well. SICK!! Says the salesman, Panadol, Tylenol, Peptobismol... OK!! says the customer, do you sell guns??, GUNS!!! I have Magnum, 9mm, Shotguns..
Give me a 9mm.. and bam.. shoot the sales man twice in the chest.... KEVLAR!!!!! Long sleeve, short sleeve, no sleeve.... :/

A British man goes on holiday in Australia...

After getting off the plane in Sydney, the man waits to go through Australian customs.
"Do you have anything to declare?" asks the Australian customs officer.
"No" replies the British man.
"Do you have a criminal record?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know that was still a requirement."

Im on Drugs ?

Tommy is walking out of customs from his trip back from Amsterdam .
He's stopped by a policeman and his sniffer Dog Rufus
*Bark Bark
Officer : Excuse me sir Rufus here is telling me you're on Drugs
Tommy : Im on Drugs ? you're the one talking to a Dog !

"free"

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "free". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "free". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

So a man is at an airport.

He approaches the Customs officer, passport in hand.
The customs officer looks it over and says, "So is this trip business or pleasure?"
The man sighs. "Neither. Im meeting my wife."

A nurse is working in the office

A rather incompetent nurse is working in her employer's office when she notices how chilly it is. She turns to the doctor and asks "Should I turn up the temperature in here?" The doctor- a very short-tempered man- says "I don't know. It all depends on what type of clothing our customers are wearing," in an attempt to brush her off. The nurse replies, "Well, what type of clothes are they wearing?" Irritated, the doctor peers out into the waiting room. He replies, "My patients are wearing thin."

I wanted to buy a patriotic decoration on my trip to China...

but I worried the US customs officer would see it as a red flag.

Five guys in an audi Quattro...

...arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian customs officer stops them and says,
"It'sa i**... to p**... five people in a Quattro."
"What are you talking about?" the driver asked.
"Quattro meansa four, and you are five-a people."
"Quattro is just the name of the car."
"Don'ta think you can fool me! Quattro meansa four and you are five-a people, you are breakinga the law."
"You idiot! Call your supervisor, I need to speak with someone with more intelligence!"
"He can'ta come."
"Why not?"
"He'sa busy witha two guys in an Uno."

So this customs officer told me I couldn't bring my board game...

He said the risk was too big.

A blonde woman's first day at live software support..

She was giving help to customers through live chats.
She eventually got sick and busted right into the boss's office.
Woman: This is infuriating! Every time I try to help someone resolve their problems, they just hang up on me!
Boss: Whoa, whoa.... Relax. Okay, tell me what exactly happened? Did you say something to them?
Woman: Well, all I did was ask them to try restarting their computer!

An Israeli man visits Britain

An Israeli man visits Britain. The customs officer asks "Occupation?"
"No, just visiting."

At the Holland border.

So a guy is going through the Holland custom. The officer ask him:
-Do you have alcohol?
-No.
-Do you have weapons?
-No.
-Do you have drugs?
-No.
-Want some?

Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin is in the line for customs when he arrives at Poland for a summit.
Customs Officer: "Name?"
Putin: "Vladimir Putin."
Customs Officer: "Nationality?"
Putin: "Russian."
Customs Officer: "Occupation?"
Putin: "No, just visiting."

An experienced customs officer is having a shift on the border

At some point he sees a man pushing a bicycle with a huge sack thrown over the seat. He stops him at the border.
"What do you have in this sack?"
"Sand."
"Well let me check."
The officer opens up the bag and indeed it's full of sand. He searches it throughly, but there's nothing else, so he lets the man go.
The next day the same man shows up, again pushing a bicycle with a huge sack thrown over the seat, and again there was nothing but sand in it.
After a few days of this playing out, the customs officer holds up the man a little longer.
"Listen pal, I've been in this job for 10 years now, I can recognize a smuggler from a mile away. I have no definite proof, but I know you have been taking something past this border and it's driving me crazy. Let's make a deal - you tell me what you are smuggling and I won't stop you any more. So what is it?"
And the man replied.
"Bicycles."

We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there.

Yesterday, for example I got me a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was "Michael".

Angela Merkel visits Greece

Angela Merkel goes on holiday to Greece.
She reaches customs.
Officer: Name?
Merkel: Angela Merkel
Officer: Nationality?
Merkel: Deutsche
Officer: Occupation?
Merkel: Nein, not zis time, just for ze holidays

Angela Merkel visits Greece

Angela Merkel visits Greece. On her way through customs she gets stopped by an officer
'Nationality?' He asks
'German' she replies
'Occupation?'
'No, just visiting'

A man was walking through the Australian customs...

As the officer asked him "have you ever been convicted of a felony?"
"No," he answered "I didn't realize that was still a requirement."

p**... was coming back from his holiday in America.

As he came through Customs, he had two sacks over his shoulders. The Customs officer asked him what he had in the sacks. p**... replied Mobile phones.
The customs officer didn't believe him and asked to be shown. p**... opened each sack and sure enough each contained quite a few phones. "What are you going to do with all these phones?" asked the officer.
"Oh, they are not for me. My friend, who is a musical director, knew I was going over to America. He asked me to bring him back a 'couple of saxophones.'"

Wanna get to third base within minutes of meeting?

Wish a customs officer happy holidays today.

(True story) I work as an IT Specialsit and recently finished setting up the network of an affiliate office..

I made the WiFi password: *iforgotthepassword*
I've been getting a kick out of people asking around for it the past week.
The office manager asked me to change it for the sake of customers. I told him, I forgot the password and just about set him off the deep end lol.

a dyslexic customer walks into a bra

"how much for a beer?"
The bartender replies "$1".
The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender
"Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"
The Bartender reply's "$5".
The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife".
The guy looks all confused then asks
"What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"
The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

As a customs and immigration officer, I might not always agree with you,

But I can see where you are coming from.

A British tourist visits Australia. The customs officer asks him do you have any criminal history?

The tourist replies, I didn't know that was still required!

Vladimir Putin goes to the Ukraine

And the customs officer in the entry interview, asks him "occupation?"
"Well, if you insist " he replied.

Crossing the border the customs officer asked me I had any drugs or firearms, to which I responded...

...what do you need?

A Russian citizen is crossing the border into Ukraine and hands his passport to the customs officer.

The customs officer asks: "Name?"
The Russian replies: "Vladimir Krylov"
The customs officer continues: "Occupation?"
The Russian replies: "Not yet, just visiting."

A German crosses the French border...

A French customs officer stops him and asks him some questions.
'Name?'
'Baer Vitme.'
'Residence?'
'Ludwigslust.'
'Occupation?'
'Not yet, just visiting!'

Vladimir Putin is called to New York to answer before the United Nations for his invasion of Ukraine

Putin gets to the customs officer and presents his passport.
Customs agent: And what's the purpose of your visit, Mr. Putin? Business or pleasure?
Putin: Business, of course.
Customs agent: Occupation?
Putin: No, not this time. Just visiting.

Aussie customs

Going through the Australian border control, the customs officer interviewed me and all went well until he asked whether I had any criminal record. He was not impressed with my answer: I didn't know it was still necessary.

Dog

A salesman drops in to see a business customer. Not a soul is in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stares at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looks up and says, Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job. Incredible! exclaims the man. I can't believe it. Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk! Please don't tell him! pleads the dog. If that man finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone too.

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The impact of these customs officer jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.