Customs Jokes

106 customs jokes and hilarious customs puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about customs that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Do you have an affinity for customs jokes? Learn about the unique culture of those who work in customs, from customs officers to brokers and what it's like to have an official sniffer. Read up to learn more about the customs process and get some laughs along the way.

Best Short Customs Jokes

Short customs jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The customs humour may include short smuggling jokes also.

  1. I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer Smoking or Non-smoking . Apparently the correct terms are Cremation and Burial .
  2. Wow. The neighborhood barber just got arrested for dealing drugs. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.
  3. Just found out the local barber has been arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer of his for 15 years and I didn't even know he cut hair.
  4. My asian waiter just handed my food to the wrong customer because he's racist and thinks all white people look the same. Wait, nevermind. That wasn't my waiter.
  5. Putin at the airport Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk.

    Customs officer: Occupation?
    Putin: No, just visiting.
  6. How to win the war on drugs 1) legalize all drugs.
    2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.
  7. A British man is visiting Australia. The man at customs asks him
    "Do you have a criminal record?"
    The british man replies
    "I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."
  8. Our local pizza guy has been arrested for selling drugs I have been a loyal customer for years. I honestly had no idea he was selling pizzas
  9. What's a pirate's LEAST favorite letter? Dear Customer,
    Your internet service has been terminated due to copyright infringement.
  10. My friend has been a limo driver for 20 years and has never had a customer. All this time and nothing to Chauffeur it.

Quick Jump To

Customs joke, My friend has been a limo driver for 20 years and has never had a customer.

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about customs can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of customs puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

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Customs One Liners

Which customs one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with customs? I can suggest the ones about border crossing and tradition.

  1. He got the order wrong Why did the customer get upset at the waiter?
  2. I hate people who take drugs... specifically the DEA and US Customs.
  3. I called up GameStop customer support They told me to hold.
  4. I hate people that take drugs.. Especially police and customs.
  5. What does the apple user do when he wants to customize his device? He adjusts the volume.
  6. I hate people who take drugs Mainly customs officers
  7. I hate people that take drugs You know, customs officers and policemen.
  8. Customer: I want cargo space Me: Car no do that. Car no fly
    Manager: See me in my office
  9. Customer: What do you have with no fat and no sugar?
    Waitress: Napkins..
  10. What did the tailor say to the fed up customer? Suit yourself.
  11. A customer asked me to check their balance. I pushed them over and they fell.
  12. Customer: Waiter, I'm in a hurry! Will the pancakes be long? Waiter: No sir, round.
  13. What did the impatient barber say to his customer? I think we need to cut this short
  14. Why does Santa need to have all of his maps custom made? He uses polar coordinates!
  15. My customers are shocked when they realize I'm not a qualified electrician.

Customs Officer Jokes

Here is a list of funny customs officer jokes and even better customs officer puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A German man visiting France He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, "Name?"
    "Hans Muller" replies the German.
    "No, just visiting this time."
  • My first day as a car salesman... Customer: Cargo space?
    Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
    Manager: Can I see you in my office?
  • A British man visits Australia A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks "Do you have a previous criminal history?"
    The visitor replies "I didn't realize that was still a requirement"
  • A British man enters customs at an Australian airport. The officer asks
    "Do you have a criminal record?"
    The man looks confused and replies
    "No, do I still need one?"
  • A German arrives at Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris Customs officer: Occupation?
    German: Nein, just visiting.
  • Vladimir Putin is at an airport and is going through customs. Customs officer: Occupation?
    Putin: No, just visiting.
  • As a customs officer, I don't always agree with people... ...but I see where they come from.
  • I work as a Customs Officer and yesterday I had my yearly performance review. They feel I'm borderline incompetent.
  • A Chinese man is walking through customs. The customs officer asks him his occupation
    The Chinese man replies, Tibet
  • As a customs and immigration officer, I might not always agree with you, But I can see where you are coming from.

Customs Border Jokes

Here is a list of funny customs border jokes and even better customs border puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A geman goes to the french border A german goes to the french border and talks to an customs agent.
    Agent: "Occupation?"
    German: "Not today"
  • My first day working at border customs was hectic we arrested a big group of German meat smugglers. It was a wurst case scenario.
  • Crossing the border the customs officer asked me I had any drugs or firearms, to which I responded... ...what do you need?
  • A German crosses the French border... A French customs officer stops him and asks him some questions.
    'Baer Vitme.'
    'Not yet, just visiting!'
  • What do you call a modified practice amongst border security workers? A custom custom custom.
  • At the Holland border. So a guy is going through the Holland custom. The officer ask him:
    -Do you have alcohol?
    -Do you have weapons?
    -Do you have drugs?
    -Want some?
  • A German is trying to to make his way to Paris At the border, the French customs agent asks him
    Hans Mueller.
    Place of residence?
    No, just vacation this time.

Customs Broker Jokes

Here is a list of funny customs broker jokes and even better customs broker puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • For my cake day, a joke I read recently. The irony of Wall Street:
    The dealer, not the customer, is called broker.
Customs joke, For my cake day, a joke I read recently.

Laughable Customs Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles

What funny jokes about customs you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean immigration jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make customs prank.

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father,may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What can I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for
me? Under your robes perhaps?
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her..
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!

Italian cruise ship captain caught fleeing

The Italian captain of the tragic cruise ship incident was caught at customs trying leave the country. He disguised himself as an Italian women dressed in high heels, a red polkadot dress complete with a wig and red liptick. He was busted because he forgot to add the mustache!!

I came back from holiday in India with a really heavy case of diarrhea...

...but they wouldn't let me take it through customs.

An American customs agent and an Canadian customs agent are having a beer after a long week.

The Canadian says "Man, you wouldn't believe this dumb American r**... trying to cross the border. I ask him 'Do you have any weapons, son?' and the kid says "Sure, whatcha need?'"
The American scoffs. "I got you beat. About three weeks ago, this dumb Canadian punk comes down. I ask him 'Are you carrying any fruits or vegetables?' The kid thinks for a second and says 'Is m**... a vegetable?'"

A British man goes on holiday in Australia...

After getting off the plane in Sydney, the man waits to go through Australian customs.
"Do you have anything to declare?" asks the Australian customs officer.
"No" replies the British man.
"Do you have a criminal record?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know that was still a requirement."

Did you hear Gotye converted from Judaism to Catholicism?

After realizing he didn't need to follow Jewish customs, he exclaimed to the rabbi, "you didn't have to cut me off!"

Im on Drugs ?

Tommy is walking out of customs from his trip back from Amsterdam .
He's stopped by a policeman and his sniffer Dog Rufus
*Bark Bark
Officer : Excuse me sir Rufus here is telling me you're on Drugs
Tommy : Im on Drugs ? you're the one talking to a Dog !

So a man is at an airport.

He approaches the Customs officer, passport in hand.
The customs officer looks it over and says, "So is this trip business or pleasure?"
The man sighs. "Neither. Im meeting my wife."

I wanted to buy a patriotic decoration on my trip to China...

but I worried the US customs officer would see it as a red flag.

Twice a week, a Belgian riding a bicycle crossed the German border...

And he always carried a suitcase filled with sand.
Each time, the customs officials searched his suitcase for contraband, but always in vain.
Sometimes, they even emptied all the sand out, expecting to find some i**... item.
They racked their brains but never found anything.
It was many years later, long after the Belgian had vanished from the scene that they learned the truth.
He had been smuggling bicycles.

A man is going through customs entering Australia

The man behind the desk asks him "do you have a criminal record?"
The man replies "No, I didn't know that was still a requirement"

Five guys in an audi Quattro...

...arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian customs officer stops them and says,
"It'sa i**... to p**... five people in a Quattro."
"What are you talking about?" the driver asked.
"Quattro meansa four, and you are five-a people."
"Quattro is just the name of the car."
"Don'ta think you can fool me! Quattro meansa four and you are five-a people, you are breakinga the law."
"You idiot! Call your supervisor, I need to speak with someone with more intelligence!"
"He can'ta come."
"Why not?"
"He'sa busy witha two guys in an Uno."

At the Airport

Customs: Where is your passport
Me: *hands credit card*
Customs: You can't bribe me
Me: It's my visa

An Israeli man visits Britain

An Israeli man visits Britain. The customs officer asks "Occupation?"
"No, just visiting."

Animal smugglers

A man wants to smuggle a snake and a skunk through customs. The wife says to her husband "how are we going to get them through?'. Hubby replies "I'll tie the snake around my waist and you shove the skunk up your skirt". "But what about the smell?" she says to which he responds "Well if it dies, it dies…"

Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin is in the line for customs when he arrives at Poland for a summit.
Customs Officer: "Name?"
Putin: "Vladimir Putin."
Customs Officer: "Nationality?"
Putin: "Russian."
Customs Officer: "Occupation?"
Putin: "No, just visiting."

A Vulture Goes Through Customs at the Airport

So this vulture is returning home from an much needed overseas vacation. As she passes through the customs line one of the agents asks, "Do you have any checked luggage?" To which the vulture replies, "Nope, just carrion."

An experienced customs officer is having a shift on the border

At some point he sees a man pushing a bicycle with a huge sack thrown over the seat. He stops him at the border.
"What do you have in this sack?"
"Well let me check."
The officer opens up the bag and indeed it's full of sand. He searches it throughly, but there's nothing else, so he lets the man go.
The next day the same man shows up, again pushing a bicycle with a huge sack thrown over the seat, and again there was nothing but sand in it.
After a few days of this playing out, the customs officer holds up the man a little longer.
"Listen pal, I've been in this job for 10 years now, I can recognize a smuggler from a mile away. I have no definite proof, but I know you have been taking something past this border and it's driving me crazy. Let's make a deal - you tell me what you are smuggling and I won't stop you any more. So what is it?"
And the man replied.

A Rich man sent a medicine shipment to Somalia

Once it reached the Airport inspection, Customs rejected it and sent it back;
the instructions on the medicines said : after meal

How do Southerners get through customs so quickly?

They do declare!

Angela Merkel visits Greece

Angela Merkel goes on holiday to Greece.
She reaches customs.
Officer: Name?
Merkel: Angela Merkel
Officer: Nationality?
Merkel: Deutsche
Officer: Occupation?
Merkel: Nein, not zis time, just for ze holidays

I hate people who think it's cool to take drugs customs officers

Going through customs at a US airport

Customs agent: Do you have anything to declare today?
Me: *starts sweating* ummmmm no. *trips and falls. Hundred of Kinder eggs spill from my pockets, jacket and bag*
Customs agent: GET ON THE FLOOR NOW!
Me: But, I am -
*armed guards swarm around and pin me down*
Armed guards: WHAT'S IN THE EGGS!!!
Me: I don't know, it's a surprise!!
(Sorry if the formatting s**.... On mobile)

Dont you just hate people who take drugs??

..cops, customs etc...

A man was walking through the Australian customs...

As the officer asked him "have you ever been convicted of a felony?"
"No," he answered "I didn't realize that was still a requirement."

A trip down under.

A British tourist arrived at an airport in Australia. He went to speak with the customs guy sitting behind the desk.
Customs: Passport?
Tourist: Here you go.
Customs: Thank you. Have you ever been convicted of a criminal offense?
Tourist: No, I didn't think that was a requirement.

A British man is visiting Australia for vacation.

The passport lady at Australian customs asks him, "Have you been convicted of any crimes in the past?"
The Brit replies by asking, "Is it still a requirement?"

My girlfriend tried to sneak leafy greens into another country on our vacation...

...I thought customs was gonna Caeser salad, but they let it romaine.

A german visits France...

and he gets picked for a random check at the customs:
- Name?
- Albert Schmidt.
- Nationalite?
- German.
- Occupation? (In a French accent)
- No no, just visiting.

A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him : "Do you have any criminal record?"
he replied : "I didn't know this was still a requirement"

Have you heard about the woman who was fined $500 for bringing an apple back with her from France?

True story. She says she accidentally put the apple in her bag on the flight from Paris to Minneapolis and completely forgot about it until she was caught by a customs agent.
Apparently she was charged with harboring a Fuji-tive.

My dad just called a family meeting.

Me, mum, my two brothers, my sister and grandma hurried into the living room and gathered round an IKEA box laying on the floor.
"Dad, it's some flat pack furniture, what do you need the whole family for?" I asked.
"Well, it must be these strange Swedish customs", he replies, "It says assembly required".

Vladimir Putin Travels to an Eastern European Country

He walks up to the customs agent and the agent asks, Name?
Vladimir Putin
Country of Origin?
No, no. Just visiting.

50 Cent is a very insightful person. Wherever he goes, he tailors his shows to be inoffensive to local cultures and customs.

At his latest gig in Harare he performed under the name "4 Billion Dollars".

A British man arrives in Australia

Customs agent asks him "Do you have a criminal record?"
The British man responds "no, why, is it still necessary?"

After my flight arrival in Munich . . .

After my flight arrival in Munich I was going through customs and was spoken to in German by the customs agent.
I obviously looked perplexed, and so the agent asked me in English if I at least knew a little German.
I said "Sure, his name is Gunther and he's about four foot, nine inches tall."

The police arrested a pilot and a customs agent for running a smuggling ring

They thought they were being careful. But after being shown the evidence, complete with fingerprints, they confessed.

Pilot: "How'd you catch us anyway?"

Detective: "Everything was hidden in plane site."

Canadian wildfire from BC turned back at USA border by customs and boarder patrol.

Upon admitting to smoking "fields of m**..." on its way to the border, the fire was denied entry, and banned for life from entering the US.

As an Australian student coming to America to study, I found it hard to get through customs...

"G'day, I'm here to study at uni."
"Which university are you going to, son?
"Yale, mate"

A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The British man replies
"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

Customs agent: Welcome to Belarus!

Customs agent: Are you here for business or tourism?
Russian: Business
Customs agent: Occupation?
Russian: Yes

A bus full of Russians are at the Belarussian border.

The customs official eyes them suspiciously. He asks the first guy:
"Ah, Boris Ivanovich."
"Do you have a visa?"
"No, but we were invited here."
"No, we are just police support. The occupation forces are in the next bus."

Australian immigration asks...

Friend of a friend was entering Australia, going through customs.
Them: Have you ever been convicted of a felony? Him: I didn't know it was still a requirement!
They eventually did let him in, but they were clearly not happy with him.

Welcome to Australia!

A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"
"Pleasure," he replies.
"Anything to declare?"
"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie customs agent looks up, drearily, unamused.
"Do you have a criminal history?"
Suddenly, the British man becomes concerned, and looks around nervously.
"What's wrong?" the customs agent asks.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the brit replies. "No, I don't. I didn't realise we still needed one of those"

A man is being asked customs questions at a Ukrainian airport

No, I'm just visiting

p**... was at the airport and was stopped by customs.

Customs: What have you got in those two sacks on your shoulders.?
p**...: Oh just a lot of mobile phones.
Customs: So why so many mobile phones.?
p**...: Well on my travels I had a call from my mate m**...,
He told me that he was starting up a Jazz Band, and could
I bring him back two Saxophones.

I really hate people thar take drugs

Especially police and customs officers.

A Russian citizen is crossing the border into Ukraine and hands his passport to the customs officer.

The customs officer asks: "Name?"
The Russian replies: "Vladimir Krylov"
The customs officer continues: "Occupation?"
The Russian replies: "Not yet, just visiting."

Angela Merkel visits Athens for a farewell visit before stepping down as Chancellor

She arrives at the airport and is stopped by the customs official.
"Angela Dorothea Merkel."
"No, just visiting for a few days."

A German gets off a flight to Paris, and is going through customs

Customs agent: "Name?"
German: "Hans."
Agent: "Home city?"
German: "Dusseldorf."
Agent: "Occupation?"
German: "Nein, nein, just for a visit."
Credit to pjabrony

A WWII joke for you guys...

Olaf Scholz, the German chancellor, visits France and is not recognized by the customs guard at the French border.
'Name?', the guard barks out.
'Olaf Scholz', he says.
'Oh no,' he says, 'just for a few days.'

Vladimir Putin is called to New York to answer before the United Nations for his invasion of Ukraine

Putin gets to the customs officer and presents his passport.
Customs agent: And what's the purpose of your visit, Mr. Putin? Business or pleasure?
Putin: Business, of course.
Customs agent: Occupation?
Putin: No, not this time. Just visiting.

A vulture is going through customs and the attendant asked if he has any baggage to check in.

The vulture says, No, just my carrion.

Aussie customs

Going through the Australian border control, the customs officer interviewed me and all went well until he asked whether I had any criminal record. He was not impressed with my answer: I didn't know it was still necessary.

Customs joke, Aussie customs

jokes about customs

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these customs jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.