Customs Jokes

Following is our collection of sniffer puns and traditions one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Customs jokes for adults, dirty carrion jokes and clean formalities dad gags for kids.

The Best Customs Puns

Putin at the airport

Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk.

Customs officer: Occupation?

Putin: No, just visiting.

I hate people who take drugs...

specifically the DEA and US Customs.

A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him

"Do you have a criminal record?"

The British man replies

"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

I hate people that take drugs..

Especially police and customs.

A German man visiting France

He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, "Name?"

"Hans Muller" replies the German.

"Occupation?"

"No, just visiting this time."


A man is going through customs entering Australia

The man behind the desk asks him "do you have a criminal record?"
The man replies "No, I didn't know that was still a requirement"

A British man visits Australia

A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks "Do you have a previous criminal history?"

The visitor replies "I didn't realize that was still a requirement"

I hate people who take drugs

Mainly customs officers

Welcome to Australia!

A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"

"Pleasure," he replies.

"Anything to declare?"

"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie customs agent looks up, drearily, unamused.

"Do you have a criminal history?"

Suddenly, the British man becomes concerned, and looks around nervously.

"What's wrong?" the customs agent asks.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the brit replies. "No, I don't. I didn't realise we still needed one of those"

A British man is visiting Australia for vacation.

The passport lady at Australian customs asks him, "Have you been convicted of any crimes in the past?"

The Brit replies by asking, "Is it still a requirement?"

I hate people that take drugs

You know, customs officers and policemen.


A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him : "Do you have any criminal record?"

he replied : "I didn't know this was still a requirement"

A British man goes on holiday in Australia...

After getting off the plane in Sydney, the man waits to go through Australian customs.

"Do you have anything to declare?" asks the Australian customs officer.

"No" replies the British man.

"Do you have a criminal record?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't know that was still a requirement."

My dad just called a family meeting.

Me, mum, my two brothers, my sister and grandma hurried into the living room and gathered round an IKEA box laying on the floor.

"Dad, it's some flat pack furniture, what do you need the whole family for?" I asked.

"Well, it must be these strange Swedish customs", he replies, "It says assembly required".

Five guys in an Audi Quattro...

...arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian customs officer stops them and says,

"It'sa illegal to puta five people in a Quattro."

"What are you talking about?" the driver asked.

"Quattro meansa four, and you are five-a people."

"Quattro is just the name of the car."

"Don'ta think you can fool me! Quattro meansa four and you are five-a people, you are breakinga the law."

"You idiot! Call your supervisor, I need to speak with someone with more intelligence!"

"He can'ta come."

"Why not?"

"He'sa busy witha two guys in an Uno."

A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him


"Do you have a criminal record?"


The British man replies


"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

A British man enters customs at an Australian airport.

The officer asks
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The man looks confused and replies
"No, do I still need one?"

A German arrives at Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin is in the line for customs when he arrives at Poland for a summit.


Customs Officer: "Name?"

Putin: "Vladimir Putin."

Customs Officer: "Nationality?"

Putin: "Russian."

Customs Officer: "Occupation?"

Putin: "No, just visiting."


A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father,may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What can I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for
me? Under your robes perhaps?

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her..

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!

An experienced customs officer is having a shift on the border

At some point he sees a man pushing a bicycle with a huge sack thrown over the seat. He stops him at the border.

"What do you have in this sack?"

"Sand."

"Well let me check."

The officer opens up the bag and indeed it's full of sand. He searches it throughly, but there's nothing else, so he lets the man go.

The next day the same man shows up, again pushing a bicycle with a huge sack thrown over the seat, and again there was nothing but sand in it.
After a few days of this playing out, the customs officer holds up the man a little longer.

"Listen pal, I've been in this job for 10 years now, I can recognize a smuggler from a mile away. I have no definite proof, but I know you have been taking something past this border and it's driving me crazy. Let's make a deal - you tell me what you are smuggling and I won't stop you any more. So what is it?"

And the man replied.

"Bicycles."

A British man arrives in Australia

Customs agent asks him "Do you have a criminal record?"

The British man responds "no, why, is it still necessary?"

A geman goes to the french border

A german goes to the french border and talks to an customs agent.

Agent: "Occupation?"

German: "Not today"

As a customs officer, I don't always agree with people...

...but I see where they come from.

Going through customs at a US airport

Customs agent: Do you have anything to declare today?
Me: *starts sweating* ummmmm no. *trips and falls. Hundred of Kinder eggs spill from my pockets, jacket and bag*
Customs agent: GET ON THE FLOOR NOW!
Me: But, I am -
*armed guards swarm around and pin me down*
Armed guards: WHAT'S IN THE EGGS!!!
Me: I don't know, it's a surprise!!

(Sorry if the formatting sucks. On mobile)

Twice a week, a Belgian riding a bicycle crossed the German border...

And he always carried a suitcase filled with sand.
Each time, the customs officials searched his suitcase for contraband, but always in vain.
Sometimes, they even emptied all the sand out, expecting to find some illegal item.
They racked their brains but never found anything.
It was many years later, long after the Belgian had vanished from the scene that they learned the truth.

He had been smuggling bicycles.

So a man is at an airport.

He approaches the Customs officer, passport in hand.

The customs officer looks it over and says, "So is this trip business or pleasure?"

The man sighs. "Neither. Im meeting my wife."

A german visits France...

and he gets picked for a random check at the customs:

- Name?

- Albert Schmidt.

- Nationalite?

- German.

- Occupation? (In a French accent)

- No no, just visiting.

Vladimir Putin Travels to an Eastern European Country

He walks up to the customs agent and the agent asks, Name?

Vladimir Putin

Country of Origin?

Russia

Occupation?

No, no. Just visiting.

Customs agent: Welcome to Belarus!

Customs agent: Are you here for business or tourism?

Russian: Business

Customs agent: Occupation?

Russian: Yes

A bus full of Russians are at the Belarussian border.

The customs official eyes them suspiciously. He asks the first guy:

"Name?"

"Ah, Boris Ivanovich."

"Do you have a visa?"

"No, but we were invited here."

"Occupation?"

"No, we are just police support. The occupation forces are in the next bus."

As a customs and immigration officer, I might not always agree with you,

But I can see where you are coming from.

I came back from holiday in India with a really heavy case of diarrhea...

...but they wouldn't let me take it through customs.

A Rich man sent a medicine shipment to Somalia

Once it reached the Airport inspection, Customs rejected it and sent it back;
the instructions on the medicines said : after meal

Australian immigration asks...

Friend of a friend was entering Australia, going through customs.

Them: Have you ever been convicted of a felony? Him: I didn't know it was still a requirement!

They eventually did let him in, but they were clearly not happy with him.

An American customs agent and an Canadian customs agent are having a beer after a long week.

The Canadian says "Man, you wouldn't believe this dumb American redneck trying to cross the border. I ask him 'Do you have any weapons, son?' and the kid says "Sure, whatcha need?'"

The American scoffs. "I got you beat. About three weeks ago, this dumb Canadian punk comes down. I ask him 'Are you carrying any fruits or vegetables?' The kid thinks for a second and says 'Is marijuana a vegetable?'"

Did you hear Gotye converted from Judaism to Catholicism?

After realizing he didn't need to follow Jewish customs, he exclaimed to the rabbi, "you didn't have to cut me off!"

Im on Drugs ?

Tommy is walking out of customs from his trip back from Amsterdam .

He's stopped by a policeman and his sniffer Dog Rufus

*Bark Bark

Officer : Excuse me sir Rufus here is telling me you're on Drugs


Tommy : Im on Drugs ? you're the one talking to a Dog !

50 Cent is a very insightful person. Wherever he goes, he tailors his shows to be inoffensive to local cultures and customs.

At his latest gig in Harare he performed under the name "4 Billion Dollars".

A man was walking through the Australian customs...

As the officer asked him "have you ever been convicted of a felony?"
"No," he answered "I didn't realize that was still a requirement."

Dont you just hate people who take drugs??

..cops, customs etc...

Angela Merkel visits Greece

Angela Merkel goes on holiday to Greece.

She reaches customs.

Officer: Name?

Merkel: Angela Merkel

Officer: Nationality?

Merkel: Deutsche

Officer: Occupation?

Merkel: Nein, not zis time, just for ze holidays

Animal smugglers

A man wants to smuggle a snake and a skunk through customs. The wife says to her husband "how are we going to get them through?'. Hubby replies "I'll tie the snake around my waist and you shove the skunk up your skirt". "But what about the smell?" she says to which he responds "Well if it dies, it dies…"

As an Australian student coming to America to study, I found it hard to get through customs...

"G'day, I'm here to study at uni."

"Which university are you going to, son?

"Yale, mate"

"I SAID WHICH UNIVERSITY ARE YOU GOING TO, SON?!?!"

After my flight arrival in Munich . . .

After my flight arrival in Munich I was going through customs and was spoken to in German by the customs agent.

I obviously looked perplexed, and so the agent asked me in English if I at least knew a little German.

I said "Sure, his name is Gunther and he's about four foot, nine inches tall."

My girlfriend tried to sneak leafy greens into another country on our vacation...

...I thought customs was gonna Caeser salad, but they let it romaine.

A trip down under.

A British tourist arrived at an airport in Australia. He went to speak with the customs guy sitting behind the desk.

Customs: Passport?

Tourist: Here you go.

Customs: Thank you. Have you ever been convicted of a criminal offense?

Tourist: No, I didn't think that was a requirement.

A Vulture Goes Through Customs at the Airport

So this vulture is returning home from an much needed overseas vacation. As she passes through the customs line one of the agents asks, "Do you have any checked luggage?" To which the vulture replies, "Nope, just carrion."

Canadian wildfire from BC turned back at USA border by customs and boarder patrol.

Upon admitting to smoking "fields of marijuana" on its way to the border, the fire was denied entry, and banned for life from entering the US.

The police arrested a pilot and a customs agent for running a smuggling ring

They thought they were being careful. But after being shown the evidence, complete with fingerprints, they confessed.



Pilot: "How'd you catch us anyway?"



Detective: "Everything was hidden in plane site."

Have you heard about the woman who was fined $500 for bringing an apple back with her from France?

True story. She says she accidentally put the apple in her bag on the flight from Paris to Minneapolis and completely forgot about it until she was caught by a customs agent.

Apparently she was charged with harboring a Fuji-tive.

I wanted to buy a patriotic decoration on my trip to China...

but I worried the US customs officer would see it as a red flag.

I hate people who think it's cool to take drugs

...like customs officers

How do Southerners get through customs so quickly?

They do declare!

An Israeli man visits Britain

An Israeli man visits Britain. The customs officer asks "Occupation?"

"No, just visiting."

Three European contrabass players were denied access to USA at a New York airport...

...they couldn't let contraband trough customs.

Angela Merkel visits Greece

Angela Merkel visits Greece. On her way through customs she gets stopped by an officer

'Nationality?' He asks

'German' she replies

'Occupation?'

'No, just visiting'

There is an abundance of departure jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 57 funniest jokes and customs puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any customer service witze you can hear about customs.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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