Customs Jokes
94 customs jokes and hilarious customs puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about customs that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Do you have an affinity for customs jokes? Learn about the unique culture of those who work in customs, from customs officers to brokers and what it's like to have an official sniffer. Read up to learn more about the customs process and get some laughs along the way.
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Funniest Customs Short Jokes
Short customs jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The customs humour may include short smuggling jokes also.
- I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer Smoking or Non-smoking . Apparently the correct terms are Cremation and Burial .
- Putin at the airport Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk.
Customs officer: Occupation?
Putin: No, just visiting. - How to win the war on drugs 1) legalize all drugs.
2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service. - A British man is visiting Australia. The man at customs asks him
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The british man replies
"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more." - Our local pizza guy has been arrested for selling drugs I have been a loyal customer for years. I honestly had no idea he was selling pizzas
- I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. Turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
- My first day as a car salesman... Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office? - I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude. The look on his face was priceless.
- Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines ceo Oscar Munoz has stated... "Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".
- "I always try to go the extra mile for my customers" -New York's most hated cab driver
Courtesy of @lordbeef on twitter
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Customs One Liners
Which customs one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with customs? I can suggest the ones about border crossing and tradition.
- He got the order wrong Why did the customer get upset at the waiter?
- I called up GameStop customer support They told me to hold.
- What does the apple user do when he wants to customize his device? He adjusts the volume.
- Customer: I want cargo space Me: Car no do that. Car no fly
Manager: See me in my office - Customer: What do you have with no fat and no sugar?
Waitress: Napkins.. - What did the tailor say to the fed up customer? Suit yourself.
- A customer asked me to check their balance. ...so I pushed them over and they fell.
- Customer: Waiter, I'm in a hurry! Will the pancakes be long? Waiter: No sir, round.
- What did the impatient barber say to his customer? I think we need to cut this short
- Why does Santa need to have all of his maps custom made? He uses polar coordinates!
- What do you call a person in an apple store getting robbed? A paying customer.
- Comcast's Customer Service ba dum tsss
- Why didn't the chef salt the pizza? Because the customer asked for pepper only
- Why did the customer slap the cashier? Because he was checking her out.
- I got fired from my last job for cropdusting customers. I guess management caught wind.
Customs Officer Jokes
Here is a list of funny customs officer jokes and even better customs officer puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I work as a Customs Officer and yesterday I had my yearly performance review. They feel I'm borderline incompetent.
- A Chinese man is walking through customs. The customs officer asks him his occupation
The Chinese man replies, Tibet - Crossing the border the customs officer asked me I had any drugs or firearms, to which I responded... ...what do you need?
- I wanted to buy a patriotic decoration on my trip to China... but I worried the US customs officer would see it as a red flag.
- I hate people who think it's cool to take drugs ...like customs officers
- Angela Merkel visits Greece Angela Merkel visits Greece. On her way through customs she gets stopped by an officer
'Nationality?' He asks
'German' she replies
'Occupation?'
'No, just visiting' - At the Holland border. So a guy is going through the Holland custom. The officer ask him:
-Do you have alcohol?
-No.
-Do you have weapons?
-No.
-Do you have drugs?
-No.
-Want some? - Vladimir Putin goes to the Ukraine And the customs officer in the entry interview, asks him "occupation?"
"Well, if you insist " he replied. - Some people think it's so fulfilling to take drugs every day... Customs Officers!!
- Wanna get to third base within minutes of meeting? Wish a customs officer happy holidays today.
Customs Border Jokes
Here is a list of funny customs border jokes and even better customs border puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A geman goes to the french border A german goes to the french border and talks to an customs agent.
Agent: "Occupation?"
German: "Not today" - My first day working at border customs was hectic we arrested a big group of German meat smugglers. It was a wurst case scenario.
- What do you call a modified practice amongst border security workers? A custom custom custom.
Customs Broker Jokes
Here is a list of funny customs broker jokes and even better customs broker puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- For my cake day, a joke I read recently. The irony of Wall Street:
The dealer, not the customer, is called broker.
Laughable Customs Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about customs you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean immigration jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make customs pranks.
Father, do you have anything to declare?
A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, Father, may I ask a favor?
Of course you may. What can I do for you?
Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?
I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.
With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.
When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, Father, do you have anything to declare?
From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.
The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?
I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.
Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, God bless you, Father, go ahead.
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father,may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child. What can I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for
me? Under your robes perhaps?
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her..
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!
Italian cruise ship captain caught fleeing
The Italian captain of the tragic cruise ship incident was caught at customs trying leave the country. He disguised himself as an Italian women dressed in high heels, a red polkadot dress complete with a wig and red liptick. He was busted because he forgot to add the mustache!!
A Japanese and American businessman are closing a deal.....
The American was new in Japan and did not know the customs or language. He was a quick learner though and after weeks of negotiations, he sealed the deal.
The Japanese man says, "ask for anything to make your last couple of days more enjoyable.". The American says, well I'd love a beautiful Japanese woman if you know what I mean. The Japanese businessman fulfilled his promise and that night he had a japenese beauty in his bed. They start at it and the girl start shouting " mosuki mosuki". He goes harder and she yells in passion, " mosuki mosuki". The business man start thinking, that must mean good job or great. They part ways and he wakes up next morning to play golf with the business man. On the first green as the Japanese man is about to sink his pity he American thinks to impress him with his Japanese vocbulary. As he sinks the putt he says, "mosuki" the Japanese business man looks at him puzzled and asks. " what do you mean wrong hole?"
I came back from holiday in India with a really heavy case of diarrhea...
...but they wouldn't let me take it through customs.
The snake and the skunk
A man and his wife are coming to America with their pet snake and pet skunk. As they are walking up to the gate, about to board the airplane, they read a sign that says no pets allowed through customs. The wife gets a little distressed and asks the husband, "What are we going to do?" After thinking for a few minutes he comes up with the solution that he'll wrap the snake around his waist and act like it's a snake skin belt. She nods her head in approval. Then the husband says, "You hide the skunk up your skirt". Worried, she says, "Well what about the smell?" He says "It doesn't matter if it dies"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American customs agent and an Canadian customs agent are having a beer after a long week.
The Canadian says "Man, you wouldn't believe this dumb American r**... trying to cross the border. I ask him 'Do you have any weapons, son?' and the kid says "Sure, whatcha need?'"
The American scoffs. "I got you beat. About three weeks ago, this dumb Canadian punk comes down. I ask him 'Are you carrying any fruits or vegetables?' The kid thinks for a second and says 'Is m**... a vegetable?'"
There was an Englishman, a Frenchmen and a Japanese man sitting at a bar.
They were all in good spirits, complimenting each others countries and their achievements. But they also pointed out the strange customs too.
It was the Englishman and the Frenchman who spoke first about Japan. They said, "Japan is such a fine country which has provided the world with so many useful things. But you still eat seaweed!"
Then it was the Englishman and the Japanese man who spoke about France. They said, "France is such a fine country which has provided the world with so many useful things. But you still eat frogs legs!"
Finally, the Japanese man and the Frenchman spoke about England. They said, "England is such a fine country which has provided the world with so many useful things. But you still eat English food!"
Two Irish nuns are on a boat to the US...
Two Irish nuns are on a boat to the US, when the first nun says, "You know, I've heard they eat dogs in America."
"I've heard the same thing," says the second.
After some discussion, the two nuns decide that they will try some dog in order to start immersing themselves in American cultural customs.
When they get off the boat, they find their way to a hot dog stand on the corner, ask for two dogs, and sit down to eat this new food.
The first nun unwraps her tinfoil and blushes a deep red.
"What is it?!" asks the second nun.
The first nun asks, "What part did you get?"
A Priest helps a young woman at the airport
A young woman on a flight from Mexico asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course, what may I do for you?" the priest replied.
"Well, I bought an expensive hair dryer for my mother's birthday. It's unopened and over my customs limits. I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through for me? Under your robes, perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie," said the devout man.
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they reached the customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed for a woman's use, but which is, to date, unused." The official said, "Go ahead, Father."
Did you hear Gotye converted from Judaism to Catholicism?
After realizing he didn't need to follow Jewish customs, he exclaimed to the rabbi, "you didn't have to cut me off!"
"Father, may I ask a favor?"
A distinguished young woman on flight from Switzerland asked the priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?" the priest replied.
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" the woman asked.
"I would love to help you, but I must warn you: I will not lie!" The priest told her.
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she said.
When they got to Customs, the young woman let the priest go ahead of her.
The Customs official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare," said the priest.
The officials thought this answer a bit strange, so he asked, "And what to you have to declare from your waist to the floor, Father?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused," answered the priest.
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
Im on Drugs ?
Tommy is walking out of customs from his trip back from Amsterdam .
He's stopped by a policeman and his sniffer Dog Rufus
*Bark Bark
Officer : Excuse me sir Rufus here is telling me you're on Drugs
Tommy : Im on Drugs ? you're the one talking to a Dog !
So a man is at an airport.
He approaches the Customs officer, passport in hand.
The customs officer looks it over and says, "So is this trip business or pleasure?"
The man sighs. "Neither. Im meeting my wife."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Twice a week, a Belgian riding a bicycle crossed the German border...
And he always carried a suitcase filled with sand.
Each time, the customs officials searched his suitcase for contraband, but always in vain.
Sometimes, they even emptied all the sand out, expecting to find some i**... item.
They racked their brains but never found anything.
It was many years later, long after the Belgian had vanished from the scene that they learned the truth.
He had been smuggling bicycles.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Five guys in an Audi Quattro...
...arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian customs officer stops them and says,
"It'sa i**... to p**... five people in a Quattro."
"What are you talking about?" the driver asked.
"Quattro meansa four, and you are five-a people."
"Quattro is just the name of the car."
"Don'ta think you can fool me! Quattro meansa four and you are five-a people, you are breakinga the law."
"You idiot! Call your supervisor, I need to speak with someone with more intelligence!"
"He can'ta come."
"Why not?"
"He'sa busy witha two guys in an Uno."
Why was it expensive for ghosts to travel abroad?
There was a heavy customs duty on spirits of every kind.
At the Airport
Customs: Where is your passport
Me: *hands credit card*
Customs: You can't bribe me
Me: It's my visa
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Animal smugglers
A man wants to smuggle a snake and a skunk through customs. The wife says to her husband "how are we going to get them through?'. Hubby replies "I'll tie the snake around my waist and you shove the skunk up your skirt". "But what about the smell?" she says to which he responds "Well if it dies, it dies…"
An experienced customs officer is having a shift on the border
At some point he sees a man pushing a bicycle with a huge sack thrown over the seat. He stops him at the border.
"What do you have in this sack?"
"Sand."
"Well let me check."
The officer opens up the bag and indeed it's full of sand. He searches it throughly, but there's nothing else, so he lets the man go.
The next day the same man shows up, again pushing a bicycle with a huge sack thrown over the seat, and again there was nothing but sand in it.
After a few days of this playing out, the customs officer holds up the man a little longer.
"Listen pal, I've been in this job for 10 years now, I can recognize a smuggler from a mile away. I have no definite proof, but I know you have been taking something past this border and it's driving me crazy. Let's make a deal - you tell me what you are smuggling and I won't stop you any more. So what is it?"
And the man replied.
"Bicycles."
A Rich man sent a medicine shipment to Somalia
Once it reached the Airport inspection, Customs rejected it and sent it back;
the instructions on the medicines said : after meal
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up...
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.
She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenceless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do Southerners get through customs so quickly?
They do declare!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate people who take drugs...
specifically the DEA and US Customs.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Going through customs at a US airport
Customs agent: Do you have anything to declare today?
Me: *starts sweating* ummmmm no. *trips and falls. Hundred of Kinder eggs spill from my pockets, jacket and bag*
Customs agent: GET ON THE FLOOR NOW!
Me: But, I am -
*armed guards swarm around and pin me down*
Armed guards: WHAT'S IN THE EGGS!!!
Me: I don't know, it's a surprise!!
(Sorry if the formatting s**.... On mobile)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dont you just hate people who take drugs??
..cops, customs etc...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate people who take drugs
Mainly customs officers
My girlfriend tried to sneak leafy greens into another country on our vacation...
...I thought customs was gonna Caeser salad, but they let it romaine.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... was coming back from his holiday in America.
As he came through Customs, he had two sacks over his shoulders. The Customs officer asked him what he had in the sacks. p**... replied Mobile phones.
The customs officer didn't believe him and asked to be shown. p**... opened each sack and sure enough each contained quite a few phones. "What are you going to do with all these phones?" asked the officer.
"Oh, they are not for me. My friend, who is a musical director, knew I was going over to America. He asked me to bring him back a 'couple of saxophones.'"
Have you heard about the woman who was fined $500 for bringing an apple back with her from France?
True story. She says she accidentally put the apple in her bag on the flight from Paris to Minneapolis and completely forgot about it until she was caught by a customs agent.
Apparently she was charged with harboring a Fuji-tive.
My dad just called a family meeting.
Me, mum, my two brothers, my sister and grandma hurried into the living room and gathered round an IKEA box laying on the floor.
"Dad, it's some flat pack furniture, what do you need the whole family for?" I asked.
"Well, it must be these strange Swedish customs", he replies, "It says assembly required".
50 Cent is a very insightful person. Wherever he goes, he tailors his shows to be inoffensive to local cultures and customs.
At his latest gig in Harare he performed under the name "4 Billion Dollars".
After my flight arrival in Munich . . .
After my flight arrival in Munich I was going through customs and was spoken to in German by the customs agent.
I obviously looked perplexed, and so the agent asked me in English if I at least knew a little German.
I said "Sure, his name is Gunther and he's about four foot, nine inches tall."
The police arrested a pilot and a customs agent for running a smuggling ring
They thought they were being careful. But after being shown the evidence, complete with fingerprints, they confessed.
Pilot: "How'd you catch us anyway?"
Detective: "Everything was hidden in plane site."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Canadian wildfire from BC turned back at USA border by customs and boarder patrol.
Upon admitting to smoking "fields of m**..." on its way to the border, the fire was denied entry, and banned for life from entering the US.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Parting Gift
An explorer, during a trek through an unknown jungle, made contact with a primitive tribe, and swapped basic language and customs. The day comes for the explorer to depart and, as a parting gift, he gives a fine silver mirror to the chief of the tribe. The chief takes the mirror in awe, and as the explorer explains it's basic function, starts to gaze lovingly at the back of the mirror, admiring the patterning. This goes on for a little while, until the explorer at last says
'You are supposed to look at the other side!'
The chief turns the mirror around briefly, flips it back and grunts 'Bah, picture of savage on back'.
So I'm at Customs and the boarder agent holds up my passport, squints their eyes and says ... Is-real
I said yes it is, now can I go?
Customs agent asks an arriving Saudi prince, Any drugs, cigarettes or alcohol?
No, thank you. I brought my own.
As an Australian student coming to America to study, I found it hard to get through customs...
"G'day, I'm here to study at uni."
"Which university are you going to, son?
"Yale, mate"
"I SAID WHICH UNIVERSITY ARE YOU GOING TO, SON?!?!"
Three European contrabass players were denied access to USA at a New York airport...
...they couldn't let contraband trough customs.
Putin decides to go on a vacation
After much deliberation he decides on Kiev as it was a very warm and historic city
So when he gets to the airport everything goes smoothly until the customs clerk
Clerk: destination?
Putin: Kiev
Clerk: occupation?
Putin: No, just visiting
Customs agent: Welcome to Belarus!
Customs agent: Are you here for business or tourism?
Russian: Business
Customs agent: Occupation?
Russian: Yes
A bus full of Russians are at the Belarussian border.
The customs official eyes them suspiciously. He asks the first guy:
"Name?"
"Ah, Boris Ivanovich."
"Do you have a visa?"
"No, but we were invited here."
"Occupation?"
"No, we are just police support. The occupation forces are in the next bus."
Australian immigration asks...
Friend of a friend was entering Australia, going through customs.
Them: Have you ever been convicted of a felony? Him: I didn't know it was still a requirement!
They eventually did let him in, but they were clearly not happy with him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate people that take drugs
You know, customs officers and policemen.
Welcome to Australia!
A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"
"Pleasure," he replies.
"Anything to declare?"
"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie customs agent looks up, drearily, unamused.
"Do you have a criminal history?"
Suddenly, the British man becomes concerned, and looks around nervously.
"What's wrong?" the customs agent asks.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the brit replies. "No, I don't. I didn't realise we still needed one of those"
A man is being asked customs questions at a Ukrainian airport
Nationality?
Russian.
Occupation?
No, I'm just visiting
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... was at the airport and was stopped by customs.
Customs: What have you got in those two sacks on your shoulders.?
p**...: Oh just a lot of mobile phones.
Customs: So why so many mobile phones.?
p**...: Well on my travels I had a call from my mate m**...,
He told me that he was starting up a Jazz Band, and could
I bring him back two Saxophones.
A German gets off a flight to Paris, and is going through customs
Customs agent: "Name?"
German: "Hans."
Agent: "Home city?"
German: "Dusseldorf."
Agent: "Occupation?"
German: "Nein, nein, just for a visit."
A WWII joke for you guys...
Olaf Scholz, the German chancellor, visits France and is not recognized by the customs guard at the French border.
'Name?', the guard barks out.
'Olaf Scholz', he says.
'Occupation?'
'Oh no,' he says, 'just for a few days.'
Aussie customs
Going through the Australian border control, the customs officer interviewed me and all went well until he asked whether I had any criminal record. He was not impressed with my answer: I didn't know it was still necessary.
