Customers Jokes

Following is our collection of waiters puns and staff one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Customers jokes for adults, dirty audiences jokes and clean employees dad gags for kids.

The Best Customers Puns

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer Smoking or Non-smoking .

Apparently the correct terms are Cremation and Burial .

A man walks in a bar and shouts free beers outside! So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.

The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man what the hell did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!

The man says Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

Turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

I got fired on the first day of my new job for asking customers if they would prefer "Smoking or Non-Smoking."

Apparently, the correct phrase is, "Cremation or Burial."

Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated...

"Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".


"I always try to go the extra mile for my customers"

-New York's most hated cab driver


Courtesy of @lordbeef on Twitter

Tobacco companies kill their best customers

And condom companies kill their future customers.

Went and got my first gun yesterday

Went and got a 9mm pistol I go to pay for the gun and the cashier says strip down facing me
Realizing this is probably because of gun wackos I did as she instructed
When the shrieking from customers and alarms stopped I realized the cashier was referring to how I should swipe my credit card

When Samsung asked what customers wanted in their new phone...

They misunderstood when they heard "Lighter."

I lost my job as a waiter when I served one of the customers his food.

On the downside, I got chicken all over my tennis racket.

My pubic hair trimming business will limit itself to female customers for the first few months.

I'm new to this, so I don't want to go nuts right away.


A bank robber gets hold of the cash he needs but before fleeing the scene he demands the regular customers to stand in a line

The bank robber ask the first guy in line: "did you see what happened here?"

First guy: "I sure did! And I'm gonna tell the police exactly what happened and what you look lik..."
The bank robber shoots him in the head and ask the next in line the same question.

Second guy: "I assure you I did not see a thing... but my wife here did"

Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today...

Will get a free Venti later

A Vampire walks into a bank and pulls a gun out

Hands up, this is a robbery! He declares, as he starts forcing the teller to fill a sack with cash.

One of the customers, cracking slightly under the pressure asks; Hey, shouldn't you be robbing a blood bank?

The vampire turns to them and grins.
No, see, I'm cursed. He explains.

Cursed?

Yep, I can only feed on smartasses, and there's always at least one when I pull this stunt.

Guy robs a bank...

While holding all of the customers hostage, he asks one guy, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The customer says that he did and the robber shoots him in the head.

He then asks another customer, "did you see me rob this bank?" and the guy says, "no, but my wife did."

Not a joke, just a story with a reminder to be careful when telling jokes...

I heard a joke a few weeks ago that went, "What do you do when an epileptic is having a fit in the bath? Throw your washing in."

I decided to repeat the joke in work today to a few of my customers (I work in a pub) and when I finished, one guy got really mad at me. He screamed that I shouldn't tell jokes like that because his brother died in the bath as a kid while having an epileptic fit.

I asked, "Did he drown?"

The guy was furious and said, "No, he choked on a sock!"

A Winking Salesman!

A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.

"Looking at your resume, I can see that you're more than qualified", says the interviewer. "Unfortunately, we can't have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can't hire you", adds the interviewer.

"But wait", says the man. "If I take two aspirin, I stop winking".

"Then show me", replies the interviewer.

So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colours before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.

"It's great. You stopped winking", says the interviewer, "but we can't have our salesmen womanizing all over the country".

"What do you mean?", asks the man. "I'm happily married".

"How do you explain all the condoms?" asks the interviewer.

"Oh, that", sighs the man. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

Did you know that taxis in Germany can only pick up customers on special side streets?

They're called Deutschland Uber alleys.

Once there was a mathematician

Once there was a mathematician. She wasn't very good at her job, but she really enjoyed it. She knew she couldn't make enough money to feed her family, so she decided to make money at night as a prostitute. She was surprised at how popular she became, quickly finding herself several regular customers. After one particularly good night, the man held her hand and asked, "That was amazing, you are an exquisite woman. I'm sorry for asking only now, but what is your name?"

The woman replied, "It's okay - it's The Thot That Counts."


Today I kicked a breastfeeding mom out of my restaurant

Not because other customers thought she was indecent, but because we have a no outside food or drinks policy

The local mechanic was arrested for being a drug dealer.

I've been his customers for 4 years and I never knew he was a mechanic.

A Pharmacist goes out for lunch

A pharmacist goes out for lunch and leaves his assistant to tend the customers. An hour passes and he returns and sees a man sitting awkwardly. He asks his assistant about the man and his assistant told him the man came in with a bad cough and that he had given him a powerful laxative. The pharmacist yelled "laxatives aren't for coughs!" The assistant replied, oh yea? He hasn't coughed anymore, He's scared to.

I run a backpack store in the middle east.

Sales are great but I've never had any returning customers.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a horse behind the bar serving drinks

The man takes a seat at the bar, mouth wide open, stunned. The horse is interacting with customers, mixing drinks, taking meal orders, and giving change.

Finally the horse sees the man, and says What's the matter, buddy? Never seen a talking horse before?

The man says, No, it's not that. I just never thought the cow would sell the place.

Cool Customers

Two drunks are sitting at the bar staring into their drinks. 'hey cobber, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?'
'Yes, I've been married to one for 15 years'.

A guy is sitting a table in a restaurant when the waitress comes over.....

Hello sir, what would you like to order?

I'll have a quickie please sweetheart...

Okay sir i'll ask again, what would you like to order?

I really want a quickie, please, you know? Tart...

With that the waitress slaps the guy and storms off.

One of the other customers leans over and says 'excuse me mate, it's pronounced 'Quiche'

You have to admit, Apple is being treated unfairly after the recent news about the iPhone 6+...

They merely wanted to provide a phone with the flexibility their customers demanded. It's clear that Apple bends over backwards for their fans, and they wanted to build a flagship phone which does so, too.

You could say that the iPhone 6+ is ... ahead of the curve.

I run a business where I give customers watches at no cost.

Needless to say, there's a lot of free time.

I just started a pubic hair removal business, and I'm only taking in female customers for the first few months.

I don't want to go nuts right away.

A guy enters in a bar...

A angry guy enters in a bar with an assault rifle in his hands. When they saw him, every customers went silent in fear. The angry guy screamed : " where is the guy that slept with me wife?!? " Every customer stared at each other, then started laughing. "What's so funny?", asked the one holding the gun. A customer at the back of the back then yelled : "No chances you have enough ammo in there! "

How does the German baker greet his customers ?

Gluten Morgen

A restaurant owner approaches two female customers who are Jewish . . .

and asks them, "Is there ANYTHING alright here ladies?"

Tennessee man accused of dipping testicles in customers salsa.

I'm sure Jerry Lee Lewis wrote a song about that.

I got fired from my last job for cropdusting customers.

I guess management caught wind.

Me: I've always put my blood, sweat & tears into my work!

Them: That's why you're being sacked. You are a Chef. You can't put all that in food and serve it to customers.

Why did the butcher get fired?

He kept playing with his meat in front of the customers.

If I were black...

I'd stand in front of a tanning salon and laugh at all the customers.


Source: Neal Brennan

How did the massage therapist lose all of his customers?

He rubbed them all the wrong way

Descartes in the Bar

RenΓ© Descartes is sitting in a bar, drinking and going on and on to other customers about philosophy. He goes on and on into the night getting drunker.

The bartender asks Descartes if he'll have another drink.

"I think not," he replies and disappears in a puff of logic.

So I hear EA has removed all refund options from their website, and now customers have to call them directly. But hey:

"The intent is to provide players with a sense of pride and accomplishment from successfully navigating our automated phone menu."

The midget fortune teller who kills his customers and runs...

Is a small medium at large!!

(True story) I work as an IT Specialsit and recently finished setting up the network of an affiliate office..

I made the WiFi password: *iforgotthepassword*

I've been getting a kick out of people asking around for it the past week.


The office manager asked me to change it for the sake of customers. I told him, I forgot the password and just about set him off the deep end lol.

My wife is a prostitute that likes to keep track of her customers per week

She says she does it to keep our relationship more personal.


I don't mind much, but it's the thot that counts.

I tried to be an uber driver once.

Problem is, customers didn't appreciate when I went the extra mile.

Grocery store meat departments are starting drone delivery but customers think it's risky.

Its a high-steaks situation

A barman is complaining about all the weird customers he's been getting lately...

Then a half naked man walks in with a huge number 19 tattooed on his body. "There... that's a prime example"

A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.

He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.

TIL the people most knowledgeable about something

Are not the people that work in that industry, but their customers who have done a little online reading. /s

A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar. The other customers promptly get up and leave, seeing the potential danger in the situation

Pinocchio got a new job at a tire store

He keeps telling all the customers "I'm a wheel boy."

NSA..

Always listening to our customers.

What's more annoying than a monkey trying to steal your banana?

Working at a Tesco supermarket in Produce, putting out loose bananas on display, and while trying to do so, customers keep barging their way in to you and remove the lovely bananas you just put there and leave with a remark on the lines of, "Sorry, I'm just going to ruin your display, HA HA".

Why did the banker resign?

His customers lost interest in him.

Why was Disney's massage parlor so successful?

All of their customers got happy endings.

Why did the seamstress keep getting knocked up?

She kept getting confused when her customers said they wanted her to take the seam in.

My uncle opened a clown themed restaurant.

It didn't do very well though, customers kept saying the food tasted funny.

How does a German Baker greet his customers?

Gluten Tag

When it comes to massage parlors

Some customers are a handful.

A midget fortune teller who kills his customers

is a small medium at large

A refrigerant walks into a bar...

The bartender asks, how's it going there partner?

The refrigerant answers, well, not going so well, you see back when I was just a wee lad I always wanted to be so much more. I knew my life was being wasted on the mundane activities of day to day life. Then when I turned 5, I started....

**the bartender interrupts**

buddy I'm sorry can you speed it up? I've got customers to serve…

I'm sorry I can't, bad things happen when I condense

Wells Fargo is taken to court by the US government...

...for secretly opening accounts for their customers. Right before the case the governement prosecutor suddenly goes missing. The government suspects that they have an unaccounted sollicitor on account of unsollicited accounts.

Why is employee scheduling so difficult to get right for a brothel?

The customers tend to come in spurts.

After working retail I've discovered that there are two types of people in the world

Those who can read signs, and customers.

Why did the baker have so many customers?

He desperately kneaded the dough!

A duck walks into a bar...

And orders the fish dinner. The bartender brings the meal and goes on to serve other customers, when he notices the duck hasn't touched his meal, so he asks "is everything all right with the food?"

"Check please" said the duck

"Is everything all right?" asked the bartender "You haven't touched your fish"

And the duck replied "I cant eat without a bill"

What do you call a group of zombies in a funeral parlour?

Repeat customers.

What did the owner of the gay bar do when his joint was full and he couldn't seat all of his customers?

He flipped the chairs over.

Who earns a living driving their customers away?

A taxi driver

Bartender and His Customers

A neurosurgeon, two Cubans, a fascist, a socialist, and a prisoner all walk into a bar together.

The bartender asks, "What's new?"

They all reply, "I'm running for president."

Tragic reports as customers find themselves trapped inside a burning Apple store

There were no windows.

(real news) Select Starbucks stores have been offering customers the option of adding carbonation to their drinks.

In response, Dunkin' Donuts is offering customers the option of having an employee make motorboat noises into their coffee.

Mc'Donalds in hurricanes

No wonder McDonalds places are still open during hurricane sandy. None off their customers can blow away anyways

I recently met the most desperate hooker.

Infact so desperate that she's willing to be tied up, beaten and flogged by the customers to earn some extra money.

She was strapped for cash.

Cannibal Bar

I heard the cannibal bar shut down yesterday. Their customers were chewed to their bones.

How Pokemon go came to be

Customers: "Niantic, can we have 151 Pokemon?"

Niantic: "147 Pokemon? You want to have 145 Pokemon?! What are you going to do with 142 Pokemon?!"

Thank goodness for AT&T

Thanks goodness for AT&T. Apparently the NSA called AT&T officials to request that they, too, provide call records of their customers. But halfway through the conversation, the call dropped. The NSA called back six times, but AT&T officials could never get more than two signal bars and the request was never completed.

Did you hear about the fishing musem?

I hear there reeling in the customers

A blonde woman's first day at live software support..

She was giving help to customers through live chats.

She eventually got sick and busted right into the boss's office.

Woman: This is infuriating! Every time I try to help someone resolve their problems, they just hang up on me!

Boss: Whoa, whoa.... Relax. Okay, tell me what exactly happened? Did you say something to them?

Woman: Well, all I did was ask them to try restarting their computer!

Sean and Seamus open a pub...

...but it's not very successful. In the first week they'd only gotten three customers.

By Saturday night and looking at an empty bar, Sean turns to Seamus and says, "See? I told you we should have opened a brothel."

Seamus says, "That's ridiculous. If they're not coming in for beer, they certainly wouldn't come in for broth!"

There is an abundance of establishment jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 79 funniest jokes and customers puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any customer service witze you can hear about customers.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes