Customer Jokes
142 customer jokes and hilarious customer puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about customer that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article dives into the humorous side of customer service – from the perspective of both the customer and the service provider. Learn about different types of customer jokes, including ones about customer complaints, customer success and a man who confuses the proprietor with the waiter. Add some light-heartedness to your customer service experience!
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Funniest Customer Short Jokes
Short customer jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The customer humour may include short client jokes also.
- I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer Smoking or Non-smoking . Apparently the correct terms are Cremation and Burial .
- Putin at the airport Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk.
Customs officer: Occupation?
Putin: No, just visiting. - How to win the war on drugs 1) legalize all drugs.
2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service. - A British man is visiting Australia. The man at customs asks him
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The british man replies
"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more." - Our local pizza guy has been arrested for selling drugs I have been a loyal customer for years. I honestly had no idea he was selling pizzas
- I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. Turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
- My first day as a car salesman... Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office? - I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude. The look on his face was priceless.
- Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines ceo Oscar Munoz has stated... "Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".
- "I always try to go the extra mile for my customers" -New York's most hated cab driver
Courtesy of @lordbeef on twitter
Share These Customer Jokes With Friends
Customer One Liners
Which customer one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with customer? I can suggest the ones about patient and employee.
- He got the order wrong Why did the customer get upset at the waiter?
- I called up GameStop customer support They told me to hold.
- What does the apple user do when he wants to customize his device? He adjusts the volume.
- Customer: I want cargo space Me: Car no do that. Car no fly
Manager: See me in my office - Customer: What do you have with no fat and no sugar?
Waitress: Napkins.. - What did the tailor say to the fed up customer? Suit yourself.
- A customer asked me to check their balance. ...so I pushed them over and they fell.
- Customer: Waiter, I'm in a hurry! Will the pancakes be long? Waiter: No sir, round.
- What did the impatient barber say to his customer? I think we need to cut this short
- Why does Santa need to have all of his maps custom made? He uses polar coordinates!
- What do you call a person in an apple store getting robbed? A paying customer.
- Comcast's Customer Service ba dum tsss
- Why didn't the chef salt the pizza? Because the customer asked for pepper only
- Why did the customer slap the cashier? Because he was checking her out.
- I got fired from my last job for cropdusting customers. I guess management caught wind.
Customer Service Jokes
Here is a list of funny customer service jokes and even better customer service puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Today I learned what the CIA is replacing water boarding with. Verizon Wireless customer service.
- I'm not trying to say that the customer service in my bank is bad... But when i went in the other day, and asked the clerk to check my balance... she leaned over and pushed me.
- I got a psychic reading that said I was going to die happy. The next day I went and got a job in customer service so I'd live forever.
- I ordered a deck of cards from Amazon and two weeks later it hasn't arrived. Customer service told me they're dealing with it.
- Amazon has come up with a new service where they deliver custom made suits within 48 hours. It's called Tailor Swift.
- A blind man complained to customer service He showed the employee a cheese grater and said "This is the worst book I've ever read"
- Honeymoon Sandwich I work in customer service and yesterday an old guy called just to share a joke with me and make me smile.
What's a honeymoon sandwich?
Lettuce alone with no dressing! - I'm on a customer help live chat right now and the message tone sounds like someone hitting a tennis ball. Now that's service.
- A Latino gang member has received poor customer service at the railway station, so he vandalised one of the train engines in revenge. It was a loco motive.
- I called AMC customer service to ask if I could use popcorn vouchers to cover a margin call. The short answer is no.
Cashier And Customer Jokes
Here is a list of funny cashier and customer jokes and even better cashier and customer puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the McDonalds cashier beat up the customer and then strut around bragging about it until police arrived? Someone ordered a McGregor
- A cashier rings up a box of trash bags for a customer... Customer: "I don't know why I keep buying these things, I just end up throwing them out anyways."
- Instead of saying, "And here's your receipt," cashiers should say, "Will you throw this away for me?"
- I love discussing religion with the cashier at the supermarket Because the customer is always right
- What did the happy customer say to the cashier as he left the store? Good buy!
- Customer: "Do you sell a 'best of' Enya album here?" Cashier: "What do you want - a blank CD?"
- A customer was due change of 22 cents so the cashier threw it at him.
Customer Support Jokes
Here is a list of funny customer support jokes and even better customer support puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I called Robinhood customer support to ask what I should do with my GME shares. They said: PLEASE HOLD.
- Why did the bra shop have a low rating? There were many complains about poor customer support
- EA EA Customer Support.
- I work in a call center and i'm a white dude and had an Indian customer who can't understand tech support... Oh the irony..
- Some people say I'm unemployed, but I say I work.. for steam customer support
- Niantic's customer support minor text fixes
- John Oliver have created few years back the site where you can "Scream something into the void". Sadly that site is now deleted, but I have found an alternative. It's called the customer support.
- I was disappointed when I discovered that I can't learn Egyptian hieroglyphics on the Rosetta Stone... ...I've tried to contact customer support for three weeks, and they think I'm pranking them.
- How to reach Dell customer support...
- I work for Apple's customer support Me: Hello! What can I help you with today sir?
Him: Can you track a stolen iPhones?
Me: I'm sorry sir, we can not.
Him: Great. *hangs up*
Customer Reviews Jokes
Here is a list of funny customer reviews jokes and even better customer reviews puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I work as a Customs Officer and yesterday I had my yearly performance review. They feel I'm borderline incompetent.
- I found a noose online that claimed to have a 100% success rate They must have been right because there were no customer reviews
- I was going to buy a chastity belt until I checked the reviews online. Customer satisfaction was terrible.
- A customer leaves a review at a German restaurant. The review: It's not bad, it's the wurst!
- What do you call the practitioner of a restaurant that aggressively goes after customers who leave bad Yelp reviews? The sous-chef.
Amusing Customer Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends
What funny jokes about customer you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dealer jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make customer pranks.
A software tester walks into a bar
Backs into a bar.
Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
987654321 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
\-1 beer.
"qwertyuiop" beers.
Testing complete.
A regular customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar bursts into flames.
A software tester walks into a bar.
Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
99999999 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
\-1 beer.
"qwertyuiop" beers.
Testing complete.
A real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar goes up in flames.
I tried having my mother's phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad's name, he'd have to be the one to put in the request.....
The fact that he'd been dead for 40 years didn't sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?
Well, yes, she said reluctantly. But that would ruin his credit.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Asian waiter just handed my food to the wrong customer because he's racist and thinks all white people look the same.
Wait, nevermind. That wasn't my waiter.
I know we're all supposed to be tolerant of people from other cultures, but is it too much to ask that Asian waiters learn that all Caucasians don't look alike? My waiter just served my food to some other customer!
Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks in a bar and shouts free beers outside! So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.
The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man what the h**... did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!
The man says Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.
One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"So?"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Me: Would you like some olive oil on your pasta?
Customer: Is it extra v**...?
Me: *tearing up* No it's the same price
A day in the life of an IT guy...
Customer: Hi, my computer isn't working.
IT guy: OK, what happens when you try to turn it on?
Customer: Nothing.
IT guy: Can you check to see if it's plugged into the outlet?
Customer: Uhhhh I dunno it's pretty dark back there...
IT guy: ...Can you turn on a light?
Customer: Nope. The power's out.
How many customer service representatives does it take to change a lightbulb?
Your upvote is very important to us, please be assured that we will make the punchline available to you as soon as possible.
I just found out my neighborhood barber was arrested for dealing drugs!
I've been his customer for 25 years and I never knew he was a barber.
Jim was lazy, but boy was he clever.
A difficult customer walked into the shop that Jim didn't want to deal with, so he grabbed a mop and pretended to clean up a mess.
The manager came over and asked him what he was doing. After telling him that he was cleaning, the manager said, "It doesn't look messy here."
To which Jim replied, "Why, thank you!"
Smith & Wesson Joke
A customer came in to where I work told me this one. Thought I'd share:
Have you heard Smith & Wesson is making a pair of revolvers to commemorate the government shutdown? They will be called The Congressman and The Senator respectively. They don't actually do anything and you can't fire them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tobacco companies kill their best customers
And c**... companies kill their future customers.
Those hedge funds should have known they'd lose money by shorting GME.
As for us Gamestop customers, we fully expect to sell something for $20 and have to spend $500 when we want to buy it back.
My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer.
Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.
I got fired today because I asked a customer whether they wanted it "raw or well done"
I was informed I should have said "burial or cremation" instead.
I had no freaking idea!
I visited a local news website this morning and saw a picture of a good friend of mine on the front page with a title above saying, "A 34-year-old mechanic arrested for dealing drugs". I really thought I knew the guy, but I guess I was wrong. I mean, I've been a loyal customer of his for almost 7 years, and I had no idea that he was a mechanic!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Went and got my first gun yesterday
Went and got a 9mm p**... I go to pay for the gun and the cashier says s**... down facing me
Realizing this is probably because of gun wackos I did as she instructed
When the shrieking from customers and alarms stopped I realized the cashier was referring to how I should swipe my credit card
Quick, give me a whisky before it gets started!
A man walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Quick, give me a whisky before it gets started!"
"Before what gets started?"
"Never mind, just give me a whisky, quick!"
It sounds urgent, so the barman gives him a drink.
The customer downs it in one gulp and says, "Another, quick, before it gets started!"
The barman gives him another whisky.
But when the man asks for a third one he says, "Hang on, when are you going to pay for these?"
"Oh here we go," says the man, "It's started."
Man: Hey sir! Could I interest you in a microscope?
Customer: No thanks, I'd have no use.
Man: Here is my business card in case you ever do!
Customer: I can't read this, it's too small!
Man: Boy have I got the product for you!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A waitress forgot to ask a customer how he wanted his steak cooked. She returns to the table and asks him. He replies, I like my steak like I like my s**...!
So the waitress turns to the kitchen and shouts, "Very rare."
A man walked by a restaurant in London
He noticed all the customers drinking tea in saucers.
He asked one of them as to why he was drinking tea in a saucer.
With tears in his eyes, he replied, The Italians have taken away our cup"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Good gynecologists know the key to success
Great customer c**....
I got fired from my job as a cashier today...
This customer walked in, picked up something from the counter, walked up to the till and said, "I'd like to pay for a Bagel with Cream Cheese.."
I told him clearly, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit"
[first day as a bartender] Customer: I'll have a martini, dry
Me: [staring at all the liquid ingredients] I don't know how to tell you this
I said to the customer, "So you'd like a cheeseburger?" "Yes," He said. "Well done."
"Thank you," I said.
When Samsung asked what customers wanted in their new phone...
They misunderstood when they heard "Lighter."
A Newcastle girl goes into a hair salon
The stylist says "Why aye lass, what do yee want?"
"Can I have a perm please?" says the customer. The stylist responds:
*Ah wandered lernley as a cloud that flerts on high oer vales an' hills...*
A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll.
A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll.
The guy behind the counter says, Male or female ?
The customer says, Female.
The counter guy asks, Black or white?
The customer says, White.
The counter guy asks, Christian or Muslim?
The customer says, What does religion have to do with it?
The counter guy says, The Muslim one blows itself up.
I lost my job as a waiter when I served one of the customers his food.
On the downside, I got chicken all over my tennis racket.
Bag Boy: Paper or plastic, sir?
Customer: Whatever, you pick.
Bag Boy: Sorry, baggers can't be choosers.
Scene at the supermarket...
Customer: Pardon me, but are these vegetables genetically modified?
Clerk: No, sir. Why do you ask?
Carrot: Yeah, why do you ask?
A store manager heard his clerk tell a customer, No, ma'am, we haven't had any for a while, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon.
Horrified, the manager came running over to the customer and said, Of course we'll have some soon. We placed an order last week. Then the manager drew the clerk aside. Never, he snarled, Never, never, never say we're out of anything- say we've got it on order and it's coming. Now, what was it she wanted anyway? The clerk said, Rain!
A man walks up to a counter and says . . .
A man walks up to a counter and says, "Gimme a kielbassi sandwich and a beer."
"Ah," says the person behind the counter. "You must be Polish."
The customer becomes irate. "Now, just a minute," he says, "I happen to take offense at that! Why are you assuming that just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer I must be Polish?"
"Well-"
"If I ordered a plate of spaghetti, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"Well, no."
If I ordered corned beef and cabbage, would you assume I'm Irish?"
"No."
"Then why," said the customer, "are you assuming I'm Polish just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer?"
"Well . . . this is a hardware store."
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.
I could almost afford a small popcorn.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the bartender only charge his customer for the v**... in his screwdriver?
Because as of yesterday, OJ is free.
A customer was buying condoms at work today.
I asked if he'd like a bag.
"No, she's not that ugly."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked if a customer wanted to dine in or take away...
When at work one evening, someone wanted some fish and chips...
I asked if they wanted to dine in or take away.
He replied with 'Fuck off you p**...!'
I work in a prison.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man boards a plane with six kids
After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replies, "No, I work for a c**... company, these are customer complaints."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tatoos of Elvis
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a picture of Elvis be tattooed high up on her left thigh.
The tattoo guy complies, but when he's done, the woman looks at the result and says "That doesn't look like Elvis at all!"
The guy says, "I can't do anything to remove it, but I could try again on the other thigh".
The woman agrees, but when all is done, she thinks that the new tattoo looks nothing like Elvis, either and refuses to pay.
The tattoo artist makes a proposal, "Ma'am, I'll ask a customer in the waiting room to come in and have a look at the tattoos. If he can identify Elvis, you pay me. Otherwise, you owe me nothing."
The woman agrees. A customer is called in and the woman, dropping her pants and spreading her legs, says "Do you recognize these famous musicians?"
The guy looks, thinks for a minute, then says "I don't know about the twins, but the one in the middle with the beard and bad breath is definitely w**... Nelson."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
quick historical Russian joke from early 90's
Quick context - Soviet Union just collapsed and Moscow streets are full of desperate people trying to some money to survive. A dialogue between street meat vendor (V), and a potential customer (C):
***
C: Was this meat barking or meowing?
V: It was asking s**... questions.
Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today...
Will get a free Venti later
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde called her car customer service saying she could only drive her car during the day. During the night, it didn't move at all.
A mechanic comes and after an inspection couldnt find anything wrong.
"You sure you put the right fuel?"
"Yup. Petrol"
Eventually, he asks her if shes using the right gears.
She says, "Of course, I'm not s**.... I'm using D during the day and N during the night"
A Vampire walks into a bank and pulls a gun out
Hands up, this is a robbery! He declares, as he starts forcing the teller to fill a sack with cash.
One of the customers, cracking slightly under the pressure asks; Hey, shouldn't you be robbing a blood bank?
The vampire turns to them and grins.
No, see, I'm cursed. He explains.
Cursed?
Yep, I can only feed on smartasses, and there's always at least one when I pull this stunt.
What letter do pirate's hate the most?
Dear Charter Internet Customer:
Charter Communications ("Charter") has been notified by a copyright owner, or its authorized agent, that your Internet account may have been involved in the exchange of unauthorized copies of copyrighted material (e.g., music, movies, or software). We are attaching a copy of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) notice that Charter received from the copyright holder which includes the specific allegation.
So a guy walks into a bar...
So a guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Whiskey?"
"No," says the customer, "just water; i was so drunk last night that I went home and blew Chunks."
The bartender tries to console him, saying "Oh come now, everyone gets a bit wasted from time to time."
To which the guy replies, "No, you don't understand: Chunks is my dog."
Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.
"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer.
"Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great."
"Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."
"Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said.
"By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer.
"Applied psychology."
Customer: I'd like to try on that bathing suit in your front window.
Saleswoman: I'm sorry, ma'am, but you'll have to use the dressing room.
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."
The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
Two chemists walk into a bar...
The first says the the bartender,
"I'll have some H2O,"
After which the second says
"I'll have some H2O too."
And they both enjoy their water, and get home safely to their families, because the bartender is a nice, reasonable man who would never serve Hydrogen Peroxide to a customer.
A man realized he needed to pu...
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.
"Anything from $2 to $2,000."
"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.
The salesman put the device around the man's neck, and said: "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket."
"How does it work?" asked the customer.
"For $2, it doesn't work," said the salesman. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."
A masked thief bursts into a bank...
As he climbs over the counter his balaclava catches and comes off for a second, before he quickly puts it back on.
The thief says to the cashier "did you see my face?", the cashier says "yes, I did!". Then the thief shoots her dead.
The thief then goes up to a customer and says "did you see my face?", the customer says "yes", then the robber shoots him right in the head.
The thief then runs up to a couple and says to the man "did you see my face?", then man says "no, but my wife did!".
Raisin Bread
A baker hires a young female assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and a thong. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and then at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The girl nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, gets an excellent view just as he planned. Once she comes down he says he should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner. As the girl retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see her climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man: "Is it raisin for you, too?" "No," stammers the old man: "but it's quivering a bit!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... kid
A barber was doing his business and a kid walked in his shop.
The barber told his customer:
- See that kid, he's the stupidest kid I've ever know. Here I'll prove it to you.
The barber yells at kid to come to him so his customer can watch.
The barber pulls out a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro bill and asks the kid:
- Hey kid, what do u choose?
The kid takes the 2 euro coin and leaves. The barber:
- See, I told u. He chooses 2 euro coin every time.
The customer walks out and sees the kid around the corner eating ice-cream.
He approaches the kid and asks:
- Do u not know the difference between a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro bill. Which one is more valuable?
The kid replies:
- I know the difference, but the moment I choose the 5 euro bill, the game is over.
DRINKING BUDDIES
Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City and both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and asks, "So where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland."
"Me too! I'll drink to that."
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin."
"Me too! I'll drink to that."
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Dublin are you from?"
"The East Side."
"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!"
They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where on the East Side are you from?"
"McDonagh Street."
"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."
As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"
"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender."It's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The big bed...
Three salesmen are travelling together when their car breaks down. They walk to the nearest town and go into the bar. Over a couple of rounds of drinks, they explain their situation to the bartender who tells them,
"I have a bed in the back room. It's just one bed, but it should be big enough for all three of you to stay for tonight."
The three salesmen agree and continue drinking. At closing time, the bartender kicks all the other customers out and shows the salesmen to the room where the bed is. The three of them immediately pass out for the night.
The next morning, the man who slept on the left side of the bed says,
"Man, I had this incredible dream that I was getting a h**... from a beautiful woman!"
The man who slept on the right side of the bed says,
"Hey, I had a dream that I was getting a h**... from a beautiful woman as well!"
The man who slept in the middle says,
"I had a dream that I was skiing!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the worst part about being a p**...?
The customer always comes first.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young lad enters a barber shop...
and the barber whispers to his customer, This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, Which do you want, son?
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
What did I tell you? said the barber. That kid never learns!
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?
The boy licked his cone and replied,
Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!
A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...
Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you attempt to slap the meat and miss, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks in the bar until we close". The bartender looks back at the customer and asks "So what do you say, would you like to give the challenge a shot?" The customer quickly responds with a "No". "Why not?" The bartender asks. The customer replies, "The stakes are too high".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mom buys an old parrot from a w**.....
A mom buys an old parrot in a w**... and proceeds to bring it home for the family to enjoy their new pet.
As she brings the parrot inside the house the parrot says "ah, new house!" and she bursts in laughter.
Later that day, the daughters arrive from school and promptly the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes!" and they all burst in laughter.
Some time goes by, and after a long day of work the dad finally arrives home, and without wasting time, the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes, same old customers. Good night Mr. Williams"
A Winking Salesman!
A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.
"Looking at your resume, I can see that you're more than qualified", says the interviewer. "Unfortunately, we can't have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can't hire you", adds the interviewer.
"But wait", says the man. "If I take two aspirin, I stop winking".
"Then show me", replies the interviewer.
So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colours before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.
"It's great. You stopped winking", says the interviewer, "but we can't have our salesmen womanizing all over the country".
"What do you mean?", asks the man. "I'm happily married".
"How do you explain all the condoms?" asks the interviewer.
"Oh, that", sighs the man. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Not a joke, just a story with a reminder to be careful when telling jokes...
I heard a joke a few weeks ago that went, "What do you do when an epileptic is having a fit in the bath? Throw your washing in."
I decided to repeat the joke in work today to a few of my customers (I work in a pub) and when I finished, o**... got really mad at me. He screamed that I shouldn't tell jokes like that because his brother died in the bath as a kid while having an epileptic fit.
I asked, "Did he drown?"
The guy was furious and said, "No, he choked on a sock!"
A very curious customer asked a local tomato farmer if their tomatoes are genetically modified.
"No." Said the farmer
"No." Said the tomato
A man walks into a coffee shop
Cashier: congratulations, you are our thousandth customer! Enjoy this complimentary bagel.
Man: hey thanks!
Cashier: of course, and it's only two dollars!
Man: i thought you said it was complimentary?
Cashier: it is
Bagel: you have beautiful eyes
