Customer Jokes

Following is our collection of waiter puns and sir one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Customer jokes for adults, dirty retailer jokes and clean customer service dad gags for kids.

The Best Customer Puns

He got the order wrong

Why did the customer get upset at the waiter?

Wow. The neighborhood barber just got arrested for dealing drugs. I've been his customer for years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

Just found out the local barber has been arrested for selling drugs.

I've been a customer of his for 15 years and I didn't even know he cut hair.

What's a Pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Customer,

Due to recent illegal activities that have been performed through your connection, your internet service has been permanently disconnected.

-Sincerely, your ISP.

Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.

One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"

"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."


How to win the war on drugs

1) legalize all drugs.
2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear customer,

We are discontinuing your internet service due to suspicious activity/illegal downloading on your network.

Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.


I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.

What's a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Customer,



Your internet service has been terminated due to copyright infringement.

My friend has been a limo driver for 20 years and has never had a customer.

All this time and nothing to Chauffeur it.

A day in the life of an IT guy...

Customer: Hi, my computer isn't working.

IT guy: OK, what happens when you try to turn it on?

Customer: Nothing.

IT guy: Can you check to see if it's plugged into the outlet?

Customer: Uhhhh I dunno it's pretty dark back there...

IT guy: ...Can you turn on a light?

Customer: Nope. The power's out.


My local barber got arrested for selling cocaine. This surprised me, since I have been a customer of him for years now, and i'd never known...

...that he was a barber.

My first day as a car salesman...

Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

My local barber was arrested for selling drugs! I was his customer for years!

Never knew he was a barber

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.

The look on his face was priceless.

In my hometown, a barber got arrested for selling drugs.

Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.

Jim was lazy, but boy was he clever.

A difficult customer walked into the shop that Jim didn't want to deal with, so he grabbed a mop and pretended to clean up a mess.

The manager came over and asked him what he was doing. After telling him that he was cleaning, the manager said, "It doesn't look messy here."

To which Jim replied, "Why, thank you!"

Smith & Wesson Joke

A customer came in to where I work told me this one. Thought I'd share:

Have you heard Smith & Wesson is making a pair of revolvers to commemorate the government shutdown? They will be called The Congressman and The Senator respectively. They don't actually do anything and you can't fire them.

A barber got arrested..

A barber got arrested in my area for dealing drugs and I'm totally shook. I've been his customer for years and never knew he was a barber.


My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer.

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

I got fired today because I asked a customer whether they wanted it "raw or well done"

I was informed I should have said "burial or cremation" instead.

I used to sell home security systems.

It was super easy.

I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.

Man: Hey sir! Could I interest you in a microscope?

Customer: No thanks, I'd have no use.
Man: Here is my business card in case you ever do!
Customer: I can't read this, it's too small!
Man: Boy have I got the product for you!

Customer: I want cargo space

Me: Car no do that. Car no fly
Manager: See me in my office

If you want to hang yourself and still need a rope...

... take the one without any customer reviews. It should be the best for the job.

Bag Boy: Paper or plastic, sir?

Customer: Whatever, you pick.

Bag Boy: Sorry, baggers can't be choosers.

A store manager heard his clerk tell a customer, No, ma'am, we haven't had any for a while, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon.

Horrified, the manager came running over to the customer and said, Of course we'll have some soon. We placed an order last week. Then the manager drew the clerk aside. Never, he snarled, Never, never, never say we're out of anything- say we've got it on order and it's coming. Now, what was it she wanted anyway? The clerk said, Rain!

Why did the bartender only charge his customer for the vodka in his screwdriver?

Because as of yesterday, OJ is free.

Quality assurance engineer walks into a bar...

He orders 1 beer.
Then he orders 2 beers.
Then he orders 9999999 beers.
Then he orders -1 beer.
Then he orders a dragon.
Then he asks to buy a jdhdjsbeh

Another customer walks in, asks where the bathroom is. The bar collapses and kills everyone inside

A customer was buying condoms at work today.

I asked if he'd like a bag.

"No, she's not that ugly."

Yesterday a barber in my area was arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for years

And I didn't even know he was a barber.

A local barber was just arrested for selling drugs. As a long time customer, I was very surprised

I had no idea he was a barber

I asked if a customer wanted to dine in or take away...

When at work one evening, someone wanted some fish and chips...

I asked if they wanted to dine in or take away.

He replied with 'Fuck off you piece of shit!'

I work in a prison.

WAITER: "Yes, is there something wrong?"

WAITER: "Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"


CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."


WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"


CUSTOMER: "Taste it."


WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."


CUSTOMER: "Taste it."


WAITER: "Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."


CUSTOMER: "Taste it!"


WAITER: exasperated, "All right, Sir, I'll taste it."


Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"


CUSTOMER: "Ah ha!!"

What did the prostitute say to her customer after he finished paying?

"It was a business doing pleasure with you."

quick historical Russian joke from early 90's

Quick context - Soviet Union just collapsed and Moscow streets are full of desperate people trying to some money to survive. A dialogue between street meat vendor (V), and a potential customer (C):
***

C: Was this meat barking or meowing?

V: It was asking stupid questions.

TIFU by making my customer the wrong sandwich, giving her an allergic reaction.

Whoops. Wrong sub.

So a guy walks into a bar...

So a guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Whiskey?"
"No," says the customer, "just water; i was so drunk last night that I went home and blew Chunks."
The bartender tries to console him, saying "Oh come now, everyone gets a bit wasted from time to time."
To which the guy replies, "No, you don't understand: Chunks is my dog."

What letter do pirate's hate the most?

Dear Charter Internet Customer:

Charter Communications ("Charter") has been notified by a copyright owner, or its authorized agent, that your Internet account may have been involved in the exchange of unauthorized copies of copyrighted material (e.g., music, movies, or software). We are attaching a copy of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) notice that Charter received from the copyright holder which includes the specific allegation.

Guy robs a bank...

While holding all of the customers hostage, he asks one guy, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The customer says that he did and the robber shoots him in the head.

He then asks another customer, "did you see me rob this bank?" and the guy says, "no, but my wife did."

Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.

"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer.

"Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great."

"Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."

"Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said.

"By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer.

"Applied psychology."

Customer: I'd like to try on that bathing suit in your front window.

Saleswoman: I'm sorry, ma'am, but you'll have to use the dressing room.

Two chemists walk into a bar...

The first says the the bartender,
"I'll have some H2O,"
After which the second says
"I'll have some H2O too."

And they both enjoy their water, and get home safely to their families, because the bartender is a nice, reasonable man who would never serve Hydrogen Peroxide to a customer.

A Buddhist monk walks upto a hotdog stand and says...

"Make me one with everything."

Despite this being an overused statement, the vendor serves him a hotdog as he is a customer. When the monk asks if he has 27 cents, the vendor replies "Change comes from within."

The monk then pulls out a pistol from his robe and shoots the vendor. After this, he states "I have found my inner piece."

What did the tailor say to the fed up customer?

Suit yourself.

A masked thief bursts into a bank...

As he climbs over the counter his balaclava catches and comes off for a second, before he quickly puts it back on.

The thief says to the cashier "did you see my face?", the cashier says "yes, I did!". Then the thief shoots her dead.

The thief then goes up to a customer and says "did you see my face?", the customer says "yes", then the robber shoots him right in the head.

The thief then runs up to a couple and says to the man "did you see my face?", then man says "no, but my wife did!".

What's the worst part about being a prostitute?

The customer always comes first.

A liquor store employee asked a customer if he needed any help

''Yes, but I come here instead''

A young lad enters a barber shop...

and the barber whispers to his customer, This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, Which do you want, son?

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

What did I tell you? said the barber. That kid never learns!

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?

The boy licked his cone and replied,

Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!

Tatoos of Elvis

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a picture of Elvis be tattooed high up on her left thigh.

The tattoo guy complies, but when he's done, the woman looks at the result and says "That doesn't look like Elvis at all!"

The guy says, "I can't do anything to remove it, but I could try again on the other thigh".

The woman agrees, but when all is done, she thinks that the new tattoo looks nothing like Elvis, either and refuses to pay.

The tattoo artist makes a proposal, "Ma'am, I'll ask a customer in the waiting room to come in and have a look at the tattoos. If he can identify Elvis, you pay me. Otherwise, you owe me nothing."

The woman agrees. A customer is called in and the woman, dropping her pants and spreading her legs, says "Do you recognize these famous musicians?"

The guy looks, thinks for a minute, then says "I don't know about the twins, but the one in the middle with the beard and bad breath is definitely Willie Nelson."

A very curious customer asked a local tomato farmer if their tomatoes are genetically modified.

"No." Said the farmer
"No." Said the tomato

Stupid kid

A barber was doing his business and a kid walked in his shop.
The barber told his customer:
- See that kid, he's the stupidest kid I've ever know. Here I'll prove it to you.
The barber yells at kid to come to him so his customer can watch.
The barber pulls out a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro bill and asks the kid:
- Hey kid, what do u choose?
The kid takes the 2 euro coin and leaves. The barber:
- See, I told u. He chooses 2 euro coin every time.
The customer walks out and sees the kid around the corner eating ice-cream.
He approaches the kid and asks:
- Do u not know the difference between a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro bill. Which one is more valuable?
The kid replies:
- I know the difference, but the moment I choose the 5 euro bill, the game is over.

A customer asked me to check their balance.

...so I pushed them over and they fell.

Our neighbourhood barber got arrested for selling drugs after we had been his customer for 5 years.

We had no idea he was a barber

A man walks into a coffee shop

Cashier: congratulations, you are our thousandth customer! Enjoy this complimentary bagel.

Man: hey thanks!

Cashier: of course, and it's only two dollars!

Man: i thought you said it was complimentary?

Cashier: it is

Bagel: you have beautiful eyes

A man walks up to a counter and says . . .

A man walks up to a counter and says, "Gimme a kielbassi sandwich and a beer."
"Ah," says the person behind the counter. "You must be Polish."
The customer becomes irate. "Now, just a minute," he says, "I happen to take offense at that! Why are you assuming that just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer I must be Polish?"
"Well-"
"If I ordered a plate of spaghetti, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"Well, no."
If I ordered corned beef and cabbage, would you assume I'm Irish?"
"No."
"Then why," said the customer, "are you assuming I'm Polish just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer?"
"Well . . . this is a hardware store."

So a woman is at a supermarket...

She is loading all her items on the conveyer belt for the chasier to scan.

Her items are; A litre of milk, a carton of eggs, and a head of lettuce.

The cashier looks at her and says, "Are you single?"

The customer, shocked at her assumption says, "Yes, I am. How did you know?"

The cashier says, "Because you're ugly."

A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll.

A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll.

The guy behind the counter says, Male or female ?

The customer says, Female.

The counter guy asks, Black or white?

The customer says, White.

The counter guy asks, Christian or Muslim?

The customer says, What does religion have to do with it?

The counter guy says, The Muslim one blows itself up.

My local barber was busted today for dealing drugs.

I'm in shock. I've been a loyal customer for years and I had no idea he was a barber.

I'm not trying to say that the customer service in my bank is bad...

But when i went in the other day, and asked the clerk to check my balance... she leaned over and pushed me.

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant.

First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry.


So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest."Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

At the bookstore

Customer : Do you have any books on turtles

Server : Hard back ?

Customer : Yeah, with little heads

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

The outlaws are wanted

*shoutout to the customer that called in and ended the phone call with a joke to spread some cheer*

Pet shop

Have you got any kittens going cheap? Asked a customer in a pet shop.


No, sir, replied the owner. All our kittens go Meow.

I was sacked today for having sex with a customer in the back of my bus.

Well I say bus... technically it's a hearse.

A Bank Robber Forgot His Mask

A bank robber wanted to keep his identity a secret, but he forgot to bring his mask. He told everyone in the bank not to look at him or he would shoot them.

One foolhardy customer sneaked a look, and the bank robber did what he said he would... he shot him. The robber asked the crowd if anyone else had seen his face...

One customer, gazing intently at the ground, said "I think my wife got a glimpse."

Barber in my town was arrested for dealing drugs...

Shame, was his customer for years, never knew he cut hair.

Customer compliants

A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replies, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

My neighborhood barber got arrested this morning for dealing drugs. I'm utterly shocked. I've been his customer for years!

I had no idea he was a barber.

Arnold Schwarzenegger opens his own shopping mall. A customer left her purse on the counter after a purchase. Seeing the customer is nearing the exit of the mall, Arnold handed the purse to the nearest cashier.

"GET TO THE SHOPPER, NOW!"

Why did the prostitute cry after her customer left?

He gave her the biggest tip she ever had

A Man Got On A Plane...

A man gets on a plane with six children. A woman leans across the aisle and asks "Are all those children yours?" He answers, "No, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

A dude is having a yard sale and is selling his TV

Customer: "Sweet I do need a new TV. How much?"
Seller: "5 dollars"

C: "What? Why is it so cheap?"

S: "Well it's stuck on full volume. The remote doesn't work"

C: "And you're just gonna sell it for $5 because you can't make it quieter?

S: "Yep"

C: "Wow. Can't turn that down"

There is an abundance of consumer jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 73 funniest jokes and customer puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any buyer witze you can hear about customer.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes