Custom Jokes

Following is our collection of garb puns and silk one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Custom jokes for adults, dirty customer service jokes and clean bracelets dad gags for kids.

The Best Custom Puns

Customer: I want cargo space

Me: Car no do that. Car no fly
Manager: See me in my office

A customer was buying condoms at work today.

I asked if he'd like a bag.

"No, she's not that ugly."

Customer: I'd like to try on that bathing suit in your front window.

Saleswoman: I'm sorry, ma'am, but you'll have to use the dressing room.

A customer asked me to check their balance.

...so I pushed them over and they fell.

As a customs officer, I don't always agree with people...

...but I see where they come from.


Going through customs at a US airport

Customs agent: Do you have anything to declare today?
Me: *starts sweating* ummmmm no. *trips and falls. Hundred of Kinder eggs spill from my pockets, jacket and bag*
Customs agent: GET ON THE FLOOR NOW!
Me: But, I am -
*armed guards swarm around and pin me down*
Armed guards: WHAT'S IN THE EGGS!!!
Me: I don't know, it's a surprise!!

(Sorry if the formatting sucks. On mobile)

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant.

First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry.


So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest."Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

I'm not trying to say that the customer service in my bank is bad...

But when i went in the other day, and asked the clerk to check my balance... she leaned over and pushed me.

Customer compliants

A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replies, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

Customs agent: Welcome to Belarus!

Customs agent: Are you here for business or tourism?

Russian: Business

Customs agent: Occupation?

Russian: Yes

As a customs and immigration officer, I might not always agree with you,

But I can see where you are coming from.


Customer: I'll have a martini, dry

Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don't know how to tell you this

Customer: "How much is a drop of gas?"

Gas station attendant: "A drop? Free."

Customer: "A tank of drops of gas, please."

Customer feedback.

A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, What was that?

The guy smiled at her, Direct marketing!

The girl slapped him soundly.

What was that?! said the boy, holding his cheek.

Customer feedback.

Comcast's Customer Service

ba dum tsss

Why did the customer slap the cashier?

Because he was checking her out.

'Waiter,' said the customer, 'there's a hair in this honey.'

'Ah', replied the waiter, 'it must be from the comb.'

Customer: I'm just not sure I really want to buy this pillow.

Pillow salesman: Well why don't you sleep on it.

A girl walks into a shop...

A girl walks into a shop and goes up to the counter.

"Excuse me, do you have custom printed underwear?"

"Yes, we do, what would like to have printed on it?"

"I want it to say: If you can read this, you're too close."

"Very well, what sort of typography do you want?"

"Braille."


There was a snail who took his brand new sports car into the body shop and got a custom paint job.

He asked for racing stripes, flames, lightning bolts…you name it.
But there was one thing about the paint job the body shop owner just couldn't understand.
The snail wanted a big S on the driver's and passenger's doors.
When asked about them the snail said:
When I drive by someone at high speed I want them to say 'Look at that S-car go.'

Customer: 'Have you got that new book about small penises?'

Librarian: 'I don't think it's in yet.'

Customer: 'That's the one!'

We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there.

Yesterday, for example I got me a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was "Michael".

I'm on a customer help live chat right now and the message tone sounds like someone hitting a tennis ball.

Now that's service.

A customer at the restaurant I work at told me this one.

So a ham sandwich walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and says "gimme a gin and tonic"

The bartender looks at him and says

"I'm sorry but we don't serve food here"

Customer: "Could i have a margarita with light ice?"

Bartender: "I'm sorry, but all our ice weighs the same."

A customer came into a shop and told the shop assistant that he wanted to buy a Kim Jong-il

Assistant: Excuse me, a what?

Customer: Oh sorry, I have trouble remembering the names of items, so I use word association. I want to buy a short ruler.

Assistant: Oh, a Nicolas Sarkozy. Why didn't you say so?

Customer: Can I try on that dress in the window?

Saleslady: We really prefer you do so in the dressing room

I tried to date this super-patriotic Chinese girl. She came to the first date wearing a custom cape.

It was a huge red flag.

I made a bunch of custom t-shirts for my footballer friends, and they suddenly turned into philosophers.

Must've been the soccer tees.

Customer told me this yesterday...

First comes the engagement ring...followed by the marriage ring...but no one ever told me what came after that. The suffering.

Customer Helpline: If you understand English, press 1.

If you do not understand English, press 2.

What do you call a modified practice amongst border security workers?

A custom custom custom.

Why did the customer drink the apple juice?

Although she had ordered orange juice, she noticed that the restaurant was busy, and wasn't Karen about it.

What's customer service's favorite word?

Unfortunately...

When Jesus Christ was crucified his cross was custom made

It fit him to a t

I had a customer tonight with allergies [true story]

Rude Customer: Can you just make sure there's no nuts in my food? I can't eat nuts.
Me: Sure! My sister Anna can't eat nuts either. You might know her?
Customer: Oh?
Me: Anna-phallactic?
Customer: Oh.
Me: Just kidding, I don't have a sister.
Customer: Oh?
Me: She died. She ate some nuts and died.

Customer asking Bin Laden in Bar


Customer: "I'll have a Bin Laden, please."

Barman: "Sir, what is dat?"

Customer: "Two shots and a splash of water."

Customer: Waiter, theres a button in my salad...

Waiter: It must have come off while the salad was dressing.

Customer complaints

A 20 something gentleman is at the airport and tries to buy a 15 tickets. She looks behind the man to see 14 children behind him. She asks if they were all his. He says no that he works for Trojan and they were all customer complaints.

If the customer is always right, then why isn't everything free?

I made a custom mold by pouring silicone over a crucifix. 24 hours and one epoxy pour later...

and Christ is resin.

A customer leaves a review at a German restaurant.

The review: It's not bad, it's the wurst!

What did the customer say about Panda Express's Internet Security?

It had nice Authentic Asian.

Sony's Customer Service

A customer walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread. As the baker wraps the loaf, the customer says, "You know, I bake my own bread at home, but they come out dense."

The baker looks up suspiciously and says, "Yeah, prove it."

EA

EA Customer Support.

What do you call an Asian wearing contacts?

Customization. GET IT?? CUSTOM EYES ASIAN!!!

What did the customer say to the overworked seamstress?

Wow, you seamstressed out.

(I'm so sorry)

What did the customer ask the prostitute when they got to the hotel?

Do you come here often?

When a customer gives me exact change

Hey, right on the money!

I couldn't believe my local casino had a 'bring your own custom dice' night.

I just rolled my eyes.

Did you know that Kanye West used to work for a shop that would put custom paint on keyboards & synthesizers in only half a day's time?

Yeezy dyed four-hour synths.

A customer walks in a minute before closing and asks if the store is still open.

The clerk responds,

"As open as a casket at a funeral. I shouldn't be, but I am."

A Customer bought a parachute from me

I realised after selling it that it was defective.

He hasn't come back to return it.

I wonder if he has jumped to a conclusion of not coming back.

Why don't many customers go to the tea house?

Because the prices are so steep

Why is it customary to drink 8 mojitos a day in Cuba?

It's the Hemming way.

At the supermarket checkout, the cashier was having trouble finding the price for my cucumber.


"Maybe the list is alphabetical," I offered.
So he started searching from the bottom of the list: "Q... Q... Q..."

Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Only one, but she has to do it while you're eating dinner.

Most of our music store customers have a story about their old vinyl collection.


Once, a man asked how much a record cost.
My coworker quoted him the price, then added, "But there's a surcharge if we have to listen to how your mother made you throw out all your old vinyl records."

What did the customer say to the waiter who had a cool phone?

What does your fondue?

My customer service rep asked if everything was good, after I posed the same Q in three different ways

I said, I like my answers like I like my butter: clarified.

A customer calls Oracle's help desk

Customer: "Oracle is not working today!"
Rep: Hangs up and goes home.

What did the customer say his reason for returning his mattress was?

"You gave me a bunk bed"

Customer in restaurant: How do you prepare your chickens?

Cook: Oh, nothing special really. We just tell them they are gonna die.

Niantic's customer support

minor text fixes

An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief.


After a search, I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads specifically for people with back painβ€”all on the bottom shelf.

I ordered a foot-long sandwich from a take-out restaurant and asked the clerk to cut it into fourths.
"I'm sorry, I can't," she said. "I already cut it in half."

A man called, furious about an Orlando, Florida, vacation package we had booked for him:
He was expecting an ocean-view hotel room.
I explained that was not possible since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
"Don't lie to me," he said. "I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state."

A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino's Pizza:
Customer: "

Yoooo I ordered a Pizza & Came with no Toppings on it or anything, it's Just Bread"
Domino's: "We're sorry to hear about this!"
Customer (minutes later): "Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down :/"

While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back in 20 minutes.
The woman asked, "Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?"

Customs agent asks an arriving Saudi prince, Any drugs, cigarettes or alcohol?

No, thank you. I brought my own.

Christopher Walken is a wealthy, stylish dude

I wonder if he's ever had a pair of boots custom made for him.

What did one O2 customer say to the other?

Nothing.

The customer is always right ...

Unless he's with his wife.

A customer enters a comic store

and says "could you help me find something?" to a salesman.

Salesman replies "happy to, unless it is hope or reason to live".

What should you do when you try to upgrade to a custom rom and it keeps failing?

Pull yourself up by your boot loops.

I just saw a customer rob an Apple store.

Strange. It's usually the other way around.

Customer service put me on hold, but there was a good orchestra playing.

It was classy-call music.

So I'm at Customs and the boarder agent holds up my passport, squints their eyes and says ... Is-real

I said yes it is, now can I go?

Customer: WAITER! There's one hair in my soul!

Waiter: My apologies, we cannot provide a wig at this price.

What is a customary present for a child's 5th birthday in Ethiopia?

A bunch of flowers on their grave

Customer at the hardware store deciding on a coat hanger

Floor worker: "Would you like a screw for that?"
Customer: "No thanks, I'll pay cash."

What do you call a kindred spirit of a watering hole?

Pump-kin!

^(Special thanks to the orange van with custom plates I was behind this morning...)

At the Holland border.

So a guy is going through the Holland custom. The officer ask him:

-Do you have alcohol?

-No.

-Do you have weapons?

-No.

-Do you have drugs?

-No.

-Want some?

So this customs officer told me I couldn't bring my board game...

He said the risk was too big.

A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities.
I called several hotels, with no luck.
Finally, I thought I had found one.
I asked the receptionist if the hotel had a weight room.
"No," she replied, "but we have a lobby and you can wait there."

There were only two people in line ahead of me at the electronics store, yet the wait was dragging on forever.
Finally, the customer behind me muttered, "Mr. Hare must be on vacation."
Only then did I notice the name tag on the man at the register. It read: "Mr. Turtle, sales associate."

Q: How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 10, 1 to change the bulb and 9 to share the experience.

There is an abundance of merchandise jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 88 funniest jokes and custom puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any jin witze you can hear about custom.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes