Custody Jokes
74 custody jokes and hilarious custody puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about custody that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Custody Short Jokes
Short custody jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The custody humour may include short detention jokes also.
- The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with botox for beauty pageants has lost custody. The child didn't look surprised.
- Today, in honor of 4/20, I'm letting my entire custodial staff partake before they come to work. It's the only day I'll tolerate high maintenance people.
- My wife and I really should get a divorce, but we're staying together because of our kids Neither of us want custody of those little brats...
- What happened to Casper the friendly ghost after his parents got divorced? His mom got soul custody.
- So Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter are to separate after 13 years together. I wonder who will get custody of Johnny Depp.
- The DJ just asked me "How low can you go..." So I slept with his wife and took custody of his kids.
- A cardiologist was taken into custody after it was found he was using recordings of sick patients in his music. He was arrested for his sick beats
- Gillian Anderson of the x files just lost custody of her 12 year old boy following a long legal battle. She is now Gillian Withouterson.
- What do you call it when a Spanish man goes to court for custody of his children? Fight for your right to padre
- The Court has decided Elon Musk will be Granted Sole Custody of Child X Æ A-12 After Divorce from Wife Grimes Since he filed for and was awarded the patent back in March of 2019
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Custody One Liners
Which custody one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with custody? I can suggest the ones about possession and supervision.
- How did the chocolatier escape police custody? He had a few twix up his sleeve.
- Where do Jedi decide custody? 'The Force' Court.
- The one upside to having twins Deciding how to split child custody during the divorce.
- What does the mum custard have over the baby custard? Custody.
(From a 12 year old). - Parents Get Divorced.. Nobody wants custody.
- My dad went to the store. I hope he wins custody.
- Father loses custody of his handicapped son He couldn't make the downs payment
- Who decided to call it m**... possession" and not joint custody?
- Hear about the s**... who's getting a divorce? Yeah he's fighting for joint custody.
- My s**... neighbors got divorced but it's okay because they got joint custody
- I heard people are very possessive over m**.... They even have joint-custody hearings.
- What's the easiest way to split up p**... plants in a divorce? Joint custody.
- The perils of divorcing a s**.... He thinks joint custody means "who brought the g**..."
Playful Custody Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group
What funny jokes about custody you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean detained jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make custody pranks.
Little boy in custody battle.
Hey mother and father were in a heated custody battle for their son. The judge asks the little boy,"Do you want to go live with your mother?". Little boy replied,"No she beats me." The judge says "Oh,do you want to live with your dad?". Once again the little boy replied " No, he beats me." so the judge asks,"Well who do you want to live with?". Little boy looks at the judge and says, "The Dallas Cowboys they don't beat anybody."
A recently divorced couple were in court
battling over the custody of their child.
The mother spoke first, ranting and raving about what a terrible father her ex husband had been.
The judge asks the father if he had any comments.
The father simply replied:
"If I place a quarter in a gum-ball machine, who get to keep the candy? Me or the gum-ball machine?"
He raised a pretty good question, actually.
A man and his soon-to-be ex wife were fighting in court over the custody of their young girl. Asked by the judge to present an argument in his favor, the man says: "Well, your Honour, if you slide a coin into a vending machine and a snack comes out, is the snack yours, or the machine's?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
kids
...I've gotten to the age now where I'd really like to have children, so from now on, I'm only willing to date the type of woman I could honestly see myself, beating in a custody battle...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman was recently taken into custody for strangling her husband with a necklace...
...but she was only charged with accessory to m**....
There's 3 bears..
Mama bear, papa bear and baby bear.
The parents get divorced and have to go to court to decide custody of the baby bear. The judge decides to let the baby decide:
"do you want to go with your momma baby?"
Baby replies : " no because she beats me!"
Judge: " How about with your papa?"
Baby:" No he beats me too!"
Judge :"then what do you want to do baby bear?"
Baby: "I want to go with the Chicago bears"
Judge:" why the Chicago bears?"
Baby "Because they don't beat anyone!"
I'm from Chicago, a homeless guy told me this one on my way home from work because I have a bears patch on my bag. Found it funny but it hurt!
[OC] Why did Caitlyn Jenner lose custody rights of her kids?
Her kids couldn't see her anymore, she was a trans-parent.
Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis found in contempt of court and taken into custody...
...making it the first time a public sector employee has gotten in trouble for not doing their job.
A 10 years old boy was at the center of a Philadelphia courtroom in Pennsylvania yesterday
.... when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life his family, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child Welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia 76ers whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
I hit the gym today...
Now the gym's filing for divorce and I'm loosing custody of my children
What did the two stoners do with their son when they divorced?
They put him under joint custody.
Did you hear about the donut who split from his wife?
She's terrible with the kids so he's filling for custody.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are fighting over the custody of their adopted Ethiopian child.
Although eventually one of them will lose and have to keep her.
What do you call it when a non-binary gendered couple has a legal dispute over custody of their children?
A transparency review.
So a fern recently got released from custody due to tampering with the crime scene.
Turns out that the evidence was planted.
Divorce custody
A couples divorce proceedings are in progress, and the case of who gets custody of their 4 year old child gets raised.
The mother pleads her case: "I'm the mother, I carried her for 9 months so of course she should stay with me."
The father responds: "if I go to an ATM machine, and I insert my card, and money comes out, does the money belong to me or to the machine?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bart: 'I'll cut you a deal, I'll give you Milhouse.'
Skinner: 'I don't want Milhouse.'
Milhouse: 'Sounds like my parents' custody hearing.'
My parents just got divorced and are fighting over custody of me.
Neither of them want me.
During a custody battle...
A mother and father are sitting with a judge during a custody battle
Mom: Sir, I went through hours of pain and suffering to bring my daughter into this world. I should have full custody.
Judge: Do you have anything to say in your defense?
Father: When you put money into a vending machine and a Coke comes out, who does the coke belong to. You or the vending machine?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy was a victim of domestic a**... and was told hey could allow anyone to have custody of him
He chose the Dallas Cowboys because they're not capable of beating anyone
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Divorced couples in Colorado are having trouble deciding who gets the m**......
The judges have started issuing joint custody
An old mountaineer and his ex-wife...
were fighting over custody of their kids. The mother protested that since she brought her kids into this world, she should retain custody of them. The judge asked the old mountaineer for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and asked, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"
I was at my divorce settlement yesterday, when I announced I would like to make a suggestion...
They agreed, so I told them, "She can have the car, the house, all the funds in our joint account and full custody of our children on one condition... I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket."
"It's a deal!" my wife said, with a smug look on her face.
"You obviously didn't check the lottery numbers last night, did you?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A couple got arrested with 60 pounds of p**... on them....
I guess you could say they're in Joint Custody
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child...
The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"
The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"
I went on a terrible date recently.
He told me he got us courtside seats! Turns out it was at his custody hearing.
A judge ruled to take away Mr. Coffee's custody rights..
His lawyer asked, "on what grounds?"
The judge replied, "Child a-brews"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Me and my husband were finalizing our divorce today, and we couldn't agree on which one of us should get our w**... stash
We ended up deciding on joint custody.
My ex wife didn't show up to the custody trial, so now I get full custody of my kids!
Now I just need to swing by her house and untie her.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and his ex-wife are negotiating child custody
The judge first asks the ex-wife to give him a reason why she should get the child.
**"Your honour, naturally, since I had to go through excruciating pain to bring this child into the world, I should get to keep the child."**
The judge is almost convinced but has to see the man's side first. The judge asks the man why he should receive custody of the child. The man thinks long and hard. Finally, he speaks up:
**"Your honour, if you went to a vending machine and put in a dollar and got a Coke, whose drink is it?"**
Are your parents divorced?
- No
- Oh, it's odd how that seems like a 50/50 nowadays, just like my parents custody
An unhappy couple went to court to get a divorce.
The woman thought she should have custody for the kids, as she was the one who gave birth to them. The man then answered: If I put 1$ on a candy machine, and a piece of chocolate comes out. Who owns the chocolate?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Police Officer took my w**..., but as I had a valid prescription the Judge ordered it returned to me.
I was awarded Joint Custody.
Locally we had a midget psychic get arrested for fraud, but she escaped custody
We have a small medium at large
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife tried to take away my baby m**... plants from me when we divorced
Thank god the court granted me joint custody
A Husband and Wife at Custody court
The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.
Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child?
Ex wife: I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him
Judge: that is a simple yet good reason.
Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.
Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?
The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence. He replies
Ex Husband: if I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?
An old Businessman and his young Model ex-wife
were fighting over the custody of their 3-year-old son.
The young mother protested that since she brought the kid into this world,
she had a natural right to the custody of him.
The judge asked the businessman to explain his side of the case.
After a long moment of silence, the old businessman rose from his chair and said,
"Judge, when I put money into a Vending Machine and a Snickers Bar comes out,
does it belong to me or the machine?"
As a father with 50/50 custody of my kids they are still my responsibility 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Don't know about next week.
A group of police officers are sitting outside a woman's house after she murdered her husband
One calls dispatch and says "we got a woman armed with a knife in here and she just killed her husband."
Dispatch says "do you know why she killed her husband?"
The officer replies "yeah, she told him not to step on the floor right after she mopped, and he stepped on it anyway"
Dispatch asks "well do you have her in custody yet?"
"No not yet" the officer says
Dispatch says "Why not?"
The officer hesitates for a moment, then finally replies "well the floor still looks wet"
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece; but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:
"Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"
..... HE WON !!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
a policeman calls for backup
Dispatch, we've got a h**... here. Looks like This old lady just shot her husband. She claims it was because he kept tracking dirt over her freshly mopped floors. Over
Understood, is the suspect in custody? Over.
No dispatch. The floor isn't dry yet.
