Custody Jokes

Following is our collection of imprisonment puns and retain one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Custody jokes for adults, dirty mountaineer jokes and clean jail dad gags for kids.

The Best Custody Puns

Who decided to call it marijuana possession"

and not joint custody?

The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

The child didn't look surprised.

Divorced couples in Colorado are having trouble deciding who gets the Marijuana...

The judges have started issuing joint custody

Little boy in custody battle.

Hey mother and father were in a heated custody battle for their son. The judge asks the little boy,"Do you want to go live with your mother?". Little boy replied,"No she beats me." The judge says "Oh,do you want to live with your dad?". Once again the little boy replied " No, he beats me." so the judge asks,"Well who do you want to live with?". Little boy looks at the judge and says, "The Dallas Cowboys they don't beat anybody."

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child...

The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"


My stoner neighbors got divorced

but it's okay because they got joint custody

The Police Officer took my weed, but as I had a valid prescription the Judge ordered it returned to me.

I was awarded Joint Custody.

So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child.

So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child. The judge ask the woman why should you get the the kid and she is saying how she was in labor and held the child in her womb.. The judge says good argument now Mr. Jones your argument.. He sits there and thinks for a moment and says if you put a dollar in a coke machine is the coke yours or the machines?

A man and his ex-wife are negotiating child custody

The judge first asks the ex-wife to give him a reason why she should get the child.
**"Your honour, naturally, since I had to go through excruciating pain to bring this child into the world, I should get to keep the child."**
The judge is almost convinced but has to see the man's side first. The judge asks the man why he should receive custody of the child. The man thinks long and hard. Finally, he speaks up:
**"Your honour, if you went to a vending machine and put in a dollar and got a Coke, whose drink is it?"**

A 10 years old boy was at the center of a Philadelphia courtroom in Pennsylvania yesterday

.... when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life his family, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child Welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia 76ers whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

During a custody battle...

A mother and father are sitting with a judge during a custody battle

Mom: Sir, I went through hours of pain and suffering to bring my daughter into this world. I should have full custody.

Judge: Do you have anything to say in your defense?

Father: When you put money into a vending machine and a Coke comes out, who does the coke belong to. You or the vending machine?


My wife and I really should get a divorce, but we're staying together because of our kids

Neither of us want custody of those little brats...

My wife tried to take away my baby marijuana plants from me when we divorced

Thank god the court granted me joint custody

I hear the woman who gave her toddler Botox treatments lost custody because of it.

Her daughter didn't look surprised.

How did the chocolatier escape police custody?

He had a few twix up his sleeve.

Custody trial

Momma bear and papa bear are in court finalizing their divorce and custody of junior bear. The judge asks junior bear who he wants to live with?

J: "do you want to live with momma bear? "

JB: "no, she beats me."

J: "do you want to stay with papa bear?"

JB: "no, he beats me too."

J: "then who will you live with?"

JB: "I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they never beat anybody!"

What happened to Casper the friendly ghost after his parents got divorced?

His mom got soul custody.

The DJ just asked me "How low can you go..."

So I slept with his wife and took custody of his kids.

So Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter are to separate after 13 years together.

I wonder who will get custody of Johnny Depp.


Marijuana Possession?

More like joint custody.

A divorced couple standing in court over a child custody, the mother makes her claim and says: "I had him in my womb for 9 months, so he is mine"

The judge turns to the father and asks: "and what is your claim?"
The man, smiling, says calmly: "Your honour, when I put a coin in the vending machine, the coke that comes out is mine or the machine's?"

I was at my divorce settlement yesterday, when I announced I would like to make a suggestion...

They agreed, so I told them, "She can have the car, the house, all the funds in our joint account and full custody of our children on one condition... I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket."

"It's a deal!" my wife said, with a smug look on her face.

"You obviously didn't check the lottery numbers last night, did you?"

He raised a pretty good question, actually.

A man and his soon-to-be ex wife were fighting in court over the custody of their young girl. Asked by the judge to present an argument in his favor, the man says: "Well, your Honour, if you slide a coin into a vending machine and a snack comes out, is the snack yours, or the machine's?"

Did you hear about the psychic midget who escaped police custody?

Be on the lookout for a small medium at large.

An old mountaineer and his ex-wife...

were fighting over custody of their kids. The mother protested that since she brought her kids into this world, she should retain custody of them. The judge asked the old mountaineer for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and asked, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

A recently divorced couple were in court

battling over the custody of their child.
The mother spoke first, ranting and raving about what a terrible father her ex husband had been.
The judge asks the father if he had any comments.
The father simply replied:

"If I place a quarter in a gum-ball machine, who get to keep the candy? Me or the gum-ball machine?"

what do you call a clairvoyant midget evading police custody

a small medium at large

An unhappy couple went to court to get a divorce.

The woman thought she should have custody for the kids, as she was the one who gave birth to them. The man then answered: If I put 1$ on a candy machine, and a piece of chocolate comes out. Who owns the chocolate?

Gillian Anderson of the x files just lost custody of her 12 year old boy following a long legal battle.

She is now Gillian Withouterson.

A gay Republican impregnants a Lesbian Democrat at a crazy house party. They decide to share custody of the child.

It was a bi-party-son agreement.

What do you call it when a Spanish man goes to court for custody of his children?

Fight for your right to padre

The Court has decided Elon Musk will be Granted Sole Custody of Child X Æ A-12 After Divorce from Wife Grimes

Since he filed for and was awarded the patent back in March of 2019

Police officer calls his sergeant

Police Officer: Hey Sgt. We are at a murder scene where wife stabbed her husband 10 times because he walked into the kitchen while she was mopping.

Sgt: Is suspect in custody!

Police Officer: No sir, the floor is still wet!!

A husband and his wife went to a court so they could get divorced

Judge: You have three kids, how do you intend to split custody?

The husband and wife had a long conversation and said "Judge, we've decided to come back next year with an extra child"

Nine month's later the wife had twins.

What do you call it when a non-binary gendered couple has a legal dispute over custody of their children?

A transparency review.

A woman was recently taken into custody for strangling her husband with a necklace...

...but she was only charged with accessory to murder.

Divorce custody

A couples divorce proceedings are in progress, and the case of who gets custody of their 4 year old child gets raised.

The mother pleads her case: "I'm the mother, I carried her for 9 months so of course she should stay with me."

The father responds: "if I go to an ATM machine, and I insert my card, and money comes out, does the money belong to me or to the machine?"

In court, a woman asks for custody of her daughter.

Woman claims that she gone through pain by giving birth to her daughter to bring her to this world therefore she should obtain the custody.

Then the judge asks the man for an argument why he should obtain the custody of his daughter.

The man said: "Judge, if you insert a coin into a vending machine and get a bottle of Coke, to whom does the bottle belongs?

Vending machines or yours?

My ex wife didn't show up to the custody trial, so now I get full custody of my kids!

Now I just need to swing by her house and untie her.

What happened to the marijuana when the stoners divorced?

They got joint custody

Locally we had a midget psychic get arrested for fraud, but she escaped custody

We have a small medium at large

Why did the stoner take his wife to court?

He wanted to get joint custody.

Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis found in contempt of court and taken into custody...

...making it the first time a public sector employee has gotten in trouble for not doing their job.

Where do Jedi decide custody?

'The Force' Court.

The one upside to having twins

Deciding how to split child custody during the divorce.

My parents just got divorced and are fighting over custody of me.

Neither of them want me.

I went on a terrible date recently.

He told me he got us courtside seats! Turns out it was at his custody hearing.

[OC] Why did Caitlyn Jenner lose custody rights of her kids?

Her kids couldn't see her anymore, she was a trans-parent.

kids

...I've gotten to the age now where I'd really like to have children, so from now on, I'm only willing to date the type of woman I could honestly see myself, beating in a custody battle...

What does the mum custard have over the baby custard?

Custody.
(From a 12 year old).

Me and my husband were finalizing our divorce today, and we couldn't agree on which one of us should get our weed stash

We ended up deciding on joint custody.

What did the two stoners do with their son when they divorced?

They put him under joint custody.

Are your parents divorced?

- No
- Oh, it's odd how that seems like a 50/50 nowadays, just like my parents custody

So a fern recently got released from custody due to tampering with the crime scene.

Turns out that the evidence was planted.

The perils of divorcing a stoner.

He thinks joint custody means "who brought the ganja"

I hit the gym today...

Now the gym's filing for divorce and I'm loosing custody of my children

Parents Get Divorced..

Nobody wants custody.

Bart: 'I'll cut you a deal, I'll give you Milhouse.'

Skinner: 'I don't want Milhouse.'
Milhouse: 'Sounds like my parents' custody hearing.'

There is an abundance of prisoner jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 58 funniest jokes and custody puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any detain witze you can hear about custody.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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