Custody Jokes

76 custody jokes and hilarious custody puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about custody that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Best Short Custody Jokes

Short custody jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The custody humour may include short detention jokes also.

  1. The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with botox for beauty pageants has lost custody. The child didn't look surprised.
  2. Today, in honor of 4/20, I'm letting my entire custodial staff partake before they come to work. It's the only day I'll tolerate high maintenance people.
  3. The news today about a woman who injected her 8 year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants. She has been arrested and lost custody. The child didn't look surprised.
  4. A woman who injected her 8-year-old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody. Reports say the child didn't look surprised.
  5. My wife and I really should get a divorce, but we're staying together because of our kids Neither of us want custody of those little brats...
  6. I hear the woman who gave her toddler Botox treatments lost custody because of it. Her daughter didn't look surprised.
  7. What happened to Casper the friendly ghost after his parents got divorced? His mom got soul custody.
  8. So Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter are to separate after 13 years together. I wonder who will get custody of Johnny Depp.
  9. The DJ just asked me "How low can you go..." So I slept with his wife and took custody of his kids.
  10. Did you hear about the psychic midget who escaped police custody? Be on the lookout for a small medium at large.

Quick Jump To

Custody joke, Did you hear about the psychic midget who escaped police custody?

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about custody can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of custody puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Share These Custody Jokes With Friends

Custody One Liners

Which custody one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with custody? I can suggest the ones about possession and captivity.

  1. How did the chocolatier escape police custody? He had a few twix up his sleeve.
  2. what do you call a clairvoyant midget evading police custody a small medium at large
  3. Where do Jedi decide custody? 'The Force' Court.
  4. The one upside to having twins Deciding how to split child custody during the divorce.
  5. What does the mum custard have over the baby custard? Custody.
    (From a 12 year old).
  6. Parents Get Divorced.. Nobody wants custody.
  7. My dad went to the store. I hope he wins custody.
  8. Father loses custody of his handicapped son He couldn't make the downs payment
  9. If a psychic midget escapes from police custody.... ... is she a small medium at large?
  10. Who decided to call it m**... possession" and not joint custody?
  11. Hear about the s**... who's getting a divorce? Yeah he's fighting for joint custody.
  12. My s**... neighbors got divorced but it's okay because they got joint custody
  13. m**... Possession? More like joint custody.
  14. What happened to the m**... when the stoners divorced? They got joint custody
  15. Why did the s**... take his wife to court? He wanted to get joint custody.

Custody joke, Why did the s**... take his wife to court?

Playful Custody Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group

What funny jokes about custody you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean house arrest jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make custody prank.

Little boy in custody battle.

Hey mother and father were in a heated custody battle for their son. The judge asks the little boy,"Do you want to go live with your mother?". Little boy replied,"No she beats me." The judge says "Oh,do you want to live with your dad?". Once again the little boy replied " No, he beats me." so the judge asks,"Well who do you want to live with?". Little boy looks at the judge and says, "The Dallas Cowboys they don't beat anybody."

A recently divorced couple were in court

battling over the custody of their child.
The mother spoke first, ranting and raving about what a terrible father her ex husband had been.
The judge asks the father if he had any comments.
The father simply replied:
"If I place a quarter in a gum-ball machine, who get to keep the candy? Me or the gum-ball machine?"

He raised a pretty good question, actually.

A man and his soon-to-be ex wife were fighting in court over the custody of their young girl. Asked by the judge to present an argument in his favor, the man says: "Well, your Honour, if you slide a coin into a vending machine and a snack comes out, is the snack yours, or the machine's?"

So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child.

So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child. The judge ask the woman why should you get the the kid and she is saying how she was in labor and held the child in her w**..... The judge says good argument now Mr. Jones your argument.. He sits there and thinks for a moment and says if you put a dollar in a coke machine is the coke yours or the machines?


...I've gotten to the age now where I'd really like to have children, so from now on, I'm only willing to date the type of woman I could honestly see myself, beating in a custody battle...

A woman was recently taken into custody for strangling her husband with a necklace...

...but she was only charged with accessory to m**....

Custody trial

Momma bear and papa bear are in court finalizing their divorce and custody of junior bear. The judge asks junior bear who he wants to live with?
J: "do you want to live with momma bear? "
JB: "no, she beats me."
J: "do you want to stay with papa bear?"
JB: "no, he beats me too."
J: "then who will you live with?"
JB: "I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they never beat anybody!"

[OC] Why did Caitlyn Jenner lose custody rights of her kids?

Her kids couldn't see her anymore, she was a trans-parent.

Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis found in contempt of court and taken into custody...

...making it the first time a public sector employee has gotten in trouble for not doing their job.

A 10 years old boy was at the center of a Philadelphia courtroom in Pennsylvania yesterday

.... when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life his family, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child Welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia 76ers whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

What do you call it when a Spanish man goes to court for custody of his children?

Fight for your right to padre

What do you call it when a non-binary gendered couple has a legal dispute over custody of their children?

A transparency review.

Divorce custody

A couples divorce proceedings are in progress, and the case of who gets custody of their 4 year old child gets raised.
The mother pleads her case: "I'm the mother, I carried her for 9 months so of course she should stay with me."
The father responds: "if I go to an ATM machine, and I insert my card, and money comes out, does the money belong to me or to the machine?"

A divorced couple standing in court over a child custody, the mother makes her claim and says: "I had him in my w**... for 9 months, so he is mine"

The judge turns to the father and asks: "and what is your claim?"
The man, smiling, says calmly: "Your honour, when I put a coin in the vending machine, the coke that comes out is mine or the machine's?"

My parents just got divorced and are fighting over custody of me.

Neither of them want me.

During a custody battle...

A mother and father are sitting with a judge during a custody battle
Mom: Sir, I went through hours of pain and suffering to bring my daughter into this world. I should have full custody.
Judge: Do you have anything to say in your defense?
Father: When you put money into a vending machine and a Coke comes out, who does the coke belong to. You or the vending machine?

Divorced couples in Colorado are having trouble deciding who gets the m**......

The judges have started issuing joint custody

An old mountaineer and his ex-wife...

were fighting over custody of their kids. The mother protested that since she brought her kids into this world, she should retain custody of them. The judge asked the old mountaineer for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and asked, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

I was at my divorce settlement yesterday, when I announced I would like to make a suggestion...

They agreed, so I told them, "She can have the car, the house, all the funds in our joint account and full custody of our children on one condition... I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket."
"It's a deal!" my wife said, with a smug look on her face.
"You obviously didn't check the lottery numbers last night, did you?"

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child...

The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"
The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

A gay Republican impregnants a Lesbian Democrat at a crazy house party. They decide to share custody of the child.

It was a bi-party-son agreement.

I went on a terrible date recently.

He told me he got us courtside seats! Turns out it was at his custody hearing.

Me and my husband were finalizing our divorce today, and we couldn't agree on which one of us should get our w**... stash

We ended up deciding on joint custody.

My ex wife didn't show up to the custody trial, so now I get full custody of my kids!

Now I just need to swing by her house and untie her.

A husband and his wife went to a court so they could get divorced

Judge: You have three kids, how do you intend to split custody?
The husband and wife had a long conversation and said "Judge, we've decided to come back next year with an extra child"
Nine month's later the wife had twins.

A man and his ex-wife are negotiating child custody

The judge first asks the ex-wife to give him a reason why she should get the child.
**"Your honour, naturally, since I had to go through excruciating pain to bring this child into the world, I should get to keep the child."**
The judge is almost convinced but has to see the man's side first. The judge asks the man why he should receive custody of the child. The man thinks long and hard. Finally, he speaks up:
**"Your honour, if you went to a vending machine and put in a dollar and got a Coke, whose drink is it?"**

Police officer calls his sergeant

Police Officer: Hey Sgt. We are at a m**... scene where wife stabbed her husband 10 times because he walked into the kitchen while she was mopping.
Sgt: Is suspect in custody!
Police Officer: No sir, the floor is still wet!!

An unhappy couple went to court to get a divorce.

The woman thought she should have custody for the kids, as she was the one who gave birth to them. The man then answered: If I put 1$ on a candy machine, and a piece of chocolate comes out. Who owns the chocolate?

The Police Officer took my w**..., but as I had a valid prescription the Judge ordered it returned to me.

I was awarded Joint Custody.

In court, a woman asks for custody of her daughter.

Woman claims that she gone through pain by giving birth to her daughter to bring her to this world therefore she should obtain the custody.
Then the judge asks the man for an argument why he should obtain the custody of his daughter.
The man said: "Judge, if you insert a coin into a vending machine and get a bottle of Coke, to whom does the bottle belongs?
Vending machines or yours?

Locally we had a midget psychic get arrested for fraud, but she escaped custody

We have a small medium at large

My wife tried to take away my baby m**... plants from me when we divorced

Thank god the court granted me joint custody

The Court has decided Elon Musk will be Granted Sole Custody of Child X Æ A-12 After Divorce from Wife Grimes

Since he filed for and was awarded the patent back in March of 2019

Gillian Anderson of the x files just lost custody of her 12 year old boy following a long legal battle.

She is now Gillian Withouterson.

A Husband and Wife at Custody court

The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.
Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child?
Ex wife: I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him
Judge: that is a simple yet good reason.
Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.
Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?
The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence. He replies
Ex Husband: if I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?

An old Businessman and his young Model ex-wife

were fighting over the custody of their 3-year-old son.
The young mother protested that since she brought the kid into this world,
she had a natural right to the custody of him.
The judge asked the businessman to explain his side of the case.
After a long moment of silence, the old businessman rose from his chair and said,
"Judge, when I put money into a Vending Machine and a Snickers Bar comes out,
does it belong to me or the machine?"

As a father with 50/50 custody of my kids they are still my responsibility 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Don't know about next week.

A cardiologist was taken into custody after it was found he was using recordings of sick patients in his music.

He was arrested for his sick beats

A group of police officers are sitting outside a woman's house after she murdered her husband

One calls dispatch and says "we got a woman armed with a knife in here and she just killed her husband."
Dispatch says "do you know why she killed her husband?"
The officer replies "yeah, she told him not to step on the floor right after she mopped, and he stepped on it anyway"
Dispatch asks "well do you have her in custody yet?"
"No not yet" the officer says
Dispatch says "Why not?"
The officer hesitates for a moment, then finally replies "well the floor still looks wet"

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece; but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:
"Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"
..... HE WON !!

a policeman calls for backup

Dispatch, we've got a h**... here. Looks like This old lady just shot her husband. She claims it was because he kept tracking dirt over her freshly mopped floors. Over
Understood, is the suspect in custody? Over.
No dispatch. The floor isn't dry yet.

Custody joke, a <a href="/policeman-jokes.html" title="Policeman jokes">policeman</a> calls for backup

jokes about custody

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these custody jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.