Curtains Jokes

72 curtains jokes and hilarious curtains puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about curtains that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Laugh out loud with these hilarious curtains jokes that make light of meat curtains, hardwood panes, and bed curtains. Whether you're looking for a giggle at home or a laugh with friends, these curtains jokes are sure to get the room going.

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Funniest Curtains Short Jokes

Short curtains jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The curtains humour may include short drapes jokes also.

  1. Son: "Dad, what's the difference between toilet paper and a curtain?" Dad: "I don't know." Son: "So it was you."
  2. Do you know what the difference is between toilet paper and a shower curtain? Oh. So it's you then.
  3. I don't think we should be making jokes about windows…. Cause those types of jokes are super *pane*ful. So it's curtains for window jokes!
  4. To see a peeping tom at my window while I'm changing is frightening.... But it still hurts when they reach in and pull the curtains shut
  5. Do you know the difference "Hey, do you know what the difference is between window curtains and toilet paper?"
    "So it was you then!!!"
  6. Yo mama so fat When she took her pants to the dry cleaners the lady said, "we don't do curtains."
  7. Woke up to discover my curtains were drawn The rest of the furniture was real though, weird.
  8. I gave my russian wife a shirt.. but all she did was iron curtains.
    PS: Found a similar comment.
  9. I was seeing this h**... about twice a week. But last week she saw me and closes her blinds now.
  10. " Doctor, doctor I keep getting this crazy idea that I'm a pair of curtains!." "For God's sake man, just go home and pull yourself together"

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Curtains One Liners

Which curtains one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with curtains? I can suggest the ones about shower curtain and window blind.

  1. Why was the Berlin Wall torn down? It didn't match with the Iron Curtains.
  2. How do you make a room darker with a pencil? Draw the curtains.
  3. If it wasn't for venetian blinds.... It'd be curtains for all of us.
  4. Yo mama's so ugly people break in her house to close the curtains
  5. Why did Stalin go to Bed Bath & Beyond? He needed an iron curtain
  6. What do you call an antivirus made for windows Curtains
  7. Why was Ash Ketchum peering through your living room curtains? To catch a Peek-at-you
  8. What's the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain? Ah, so it was you...
  9. Hey Doctor I feel like a curtain Doctor: Pull yourself together then
  10. How many vampires does it take to open the Curtain on Daylight? Just one with depression.
  11. Thanks to God for Venetian blinds It would've certainly have been curtains for everyone
  12. I have to buy curtains for my computer It's got windows
  13. what's the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain? ohhh….so YOU'RE the one!
  14. Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains Well pull your self together
  15. I woke up feeling so animated this morning. Probably because the curtains were drawn.

Curtains joke, I woke up feeling so animated this morning.

Witty Curtains Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about curtains you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bed sheets jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make curtains pranks.

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old
lady, entered the doctor´s office.

"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.
"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me," said the girl. "it´s my old aunt here."
"Very well,"said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

Manual labour

My mate pointed out the window and said, "Is that your wife mowing the lawn out there?"
"Yeah, she never stops," I replied
"Call me old fashioned if you want, but I hate to see a woman doing manual labour."
"Me too," I replied, as I closed the curtains

Stalin, Kruschev, and Brezhnev are riding a train when it suddenly grinds to a halt.

Stalin says, "I know what to do. We shoot the conductor, the ticket collector, and ten passengers at random. Then the train will run again."
"No, I have a better idea," says Kruchev. "We tell everyone on the train that true communism is just around the corner! Then the train will run again."
"Tovarishi, you're trying too hard," Brezhnev cuts in. "We simply close the curtains, lean back and have a v**..., and *pretend* the train is running!"

So this blonde walks in to a computer store...

... and says to the employee; have you got any curtains?
Employee says; um no sorry this is a computer store
Blonde; duhh, I have windows.

Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev and Gorbachev are sitting together on a train...

The train breaks down. Lenin tries to rally the workers to work together and get the train running again. When that fails, Stalin lines up all the workers and shoots them. When that doesn't help, Khrushchev tries to reform the workers back to life. When that also fails, Brezhnev pulls down all the curtains in the rail car and says "let's just pretend the train is moving."
After sitting in the dark for a while, Gorbachev breaks the silence and says "Hey, any of you guys wanna pick up some McDonalds?"

The two old-timers...

...were having a chat over the back fence.
"You know, Chester," said one, "you should invest in some heavier curtains for your bedroom window."
"Why's that, Clem?"
"Because the ones you have now are kinda transparent. In fact, last night I could see you making love to your wife."
"Pfft! That shows how bad your eyesight is. I wasn't even home last night!"

The best invention ever are in fact window blinds

Otherwise, it would have been curtains for everyone.

My neighbors have really overgrown trees in their yard and keep their curtains down all the time

I think that's pretty shady

How can you make your wife scream for an hour after s**...?

you clean your d*c**... with the curtains

A discussion me and my wife just had

*Me trying to place the curtain on its rails*
Me:I can't reach it, I need 10 more cm to do it!
Wife:*sigh*.. I know..

I went to the DIY shop

I went to the DIY shop and bought a curtain rail. The shop assistant asked if I was putting it up myself. I replied "no you dirty sod. I'm putting it up in the dining room"

Donald Trump woke up in the hospital following surgery...

... only to notice that the curtains were drawn around him.
DT: "Why are the curtains all drawn around me? Is something wrong?"
Nurse: "No, no, the surgery went fine. It's just that there's a huge fire just across the street, and we didn't want you to think you hadn't made it through."

An inspector, making his rounds, inspects an elementary school.

One teacher says to her class, "Treat him like you would the President of the United States." Sure enough, later that day, the inspector walks in to see how the lesson is doing. Just then, one of the students gets up, stomps over to the inspector, punches him in the gut, nicks his phone, and hides behind a curtain.
"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" shouts the teacher.
The kid says, "Deleting Twitter."

Where y'all from?

Two freshmen girls are moving into their dorm room together.
One of them's from Georgia, one of them's from Connecticut.
The girl from Connecticut's helping her mother put up curtains.
Girl from Georgia turns to them and says, "Hi. Where y'all from?"
Girl from Connecticut says, "We're from a place where we know not to end a sentence with a preposition."
The girl from Georgia says, "Oh, beg my pardon. Where y'all from...c**...?"

I told my psychologist I thought I was turning into a set of curtains.

She said I should pull myself together.

What's the difference between toilet paper and curtains?

If you don't know stay away from my house!

Massaging the wife

Italian : Last night I massaged my wife with the finest olive oil, then we made love and I made her scream non stop 5 minutes.
French : Last night I massaged my wife with special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream 15 minutes.
American : Thats nothing! Last night I massaged my wife with cheese, then made love and made her scream for 2 hours.
Italian and French, astonished : 2 hours ! How !?
American : I wiped my hands on the curtains...

A man sees his neighbour across the street, on his balcony.

He says, Hey, when is your birthday?
His neighbour replies with May 17th, why?
The man responds with I'll buy you curtains for your birthday so I don't have to see you have s**... with your wife!
His neighbour then says, When is your birthday, because I'll buy you some glasses. Maybe then you'll be able to see who the wife is!

"Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?"

"Hey, everybody! I found the guy!"

Will and Tom go to the theatre, but Will gets up to leave after the curtain closes for the first interval.

'Where are you going?' asks Tom. 'It's not worth the wait,' says Will. 'Look in the programme. Act two - one month later.'

The president opens his curtains on a snowy morning when he sees that someone had urinated the words "The president s**..." on the lawn.

Furious, the president orders the FBI to launch an investigation.
Two hours later, the head of the FBI calls the president. "Sir, we have bad news, and we have even worse news. The u**... was the Vice Presidents".
The President responds, "What? What could be worse than this?"
The head of the FBI says,"The handwriting was the First Lady's".

I thought my wife was going on a belgium holiday to buy chocolates. When she got back, I found out she'd actually been on holiday in Paris buying curtain materials.

It was a fabrication.

How do you make martha stewart scream twice?

Bang her in the b**... then use the curtains to clean yourself off.

Something terrible occurred in the bathroom

Me: what's the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain
Roommate: I don't know what is it
Me: So it was you

What's the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?

If you said "I don't know," click here:

>!So you're the idiot that ruined my shower curtain!!!!!<

Irish Confession

Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. Father, forgive I think its been a while since I've been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!

What's the difference between toilet paper and curtains?

If you can't tell the difference, you will never be invited to my house.

Operation Tory

A Tory MP woke up in hospital after a serious operation and found that the curtains around him were drawn. He called for a nurse and asked "why are the curtains closed, Is it night"?
The nurse replied "No it's just that there's a fire across the street and we didn't want you to think the operation was unsuccessful".

My wife got so mad when I looked her straight in the eyes during s**...

I should have just closed the curtains

Moth Inspector

A man and a woman are getting it on in bed when they hear the front door open. The woman says, "It's my husband! You'd better hide."
She throws his clothes under the bed and he hides behind the curtains. Her husband comes in, sees her all hot and sweaty, and the sheets all messed up. He looks around, and sees a big bulge in the curtains, and a pair of feet sticking out underneath. He whips the curtains open, and says, "Who the h**... are you?"
The man says, "I'm the moth inspector."
The husband says, "Moth inspector? Why are you n**...?"
The man looks down and says, "d**.... I'm too late."

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.

She tells the salesman:
"I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my
computer screen".
The surprised salesman replies:
"But madam, computers do not have curtains...".
And the blonde said:
"Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!"

Why do Russian officials keep falling out of windows lately?

Because they no longer have the iron curtain.

An Italian, a Thai and a Jew are discussing lubricants.

The Italian says: "I am using olive oil from an ancient family grove. My wife is so pleased that she continues to shout for 10 minutes after we are done."
The Thai says: "I am using coconut oil made from cocnuts grown on a secret island. My wife is so pleased that she continues to shout for an hour after we are done."
The Jew says: "I am using Kosher fish oil from the grocery store and my wife is shouting for one month after we are done.'
"One month?" asked in astonishment the other two.
"Yes, that's because I wipe my hands with the bedroom curtains..."

An elderly Jew bolts into a church confessional

St Patrick's Cathedral. He pulls the curtain and says , Father. My name is Saul Hershkowitz. I'm 73 years old and I've been with a 22 year old girl. The priest says Saul, wait a minute. You're Jewish. Why are you telling me this? And the man says Hey Father, I'm telling everybody

Curtains joke, What do you call an antivirus made for windows

jokes about curtains