Curse Jokes

Following is our collection of words puns and hex one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Curse jokes for adults, dirty goddamnit jokes and clean swore dad gags for kids.

The Best Curse Puns

Man goes to a wizard

A man goes to see a wizard and says:

"Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"

"Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"

The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."

A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"

Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"

The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."

Why doesn't Oedipus curse?

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth

I got cursed out by a flight attendant for asking to be moved away from a screaming baby

Apparently they don't like that if it's your baby.

practicing with the violin

A little boy goes to his weekly violin lesson, but when he opens the violin case he blurts out a curse, and slams the case shut again.

"What's wrong?" asks the teacher.

"It seems my father is going to rob the bank with my violin"


A priest and a farmer are playing a round of golf.

On the first hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots a hole-in-one.

When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and the ball ends up in the woods.

The farmer is furious and screams: "Goddammit I missed".

The priest tells him "If you curse one more time, god will punish you".

On the second hole, the priest clasps his hands, says a prayer and shoots another hole-in-one.

When it's the farmers turn, he shoots and this ball also ends up in the woods.

He screams "Goddammit I missed"

A loud rumble is heard and lightning strikes the *priest*.

Shortly after, a voice is heard from above the clouds saying "Goddammit I missed"

So, a man goes to see a Wizard...

and asks "Can you lift a curse a Priest put on me years ago?"

Maybe, says the wizard. Can you remember the Priests exact words ?

Yes replied the man, they were "I now pronounce you Man and Wife"

How to curse like an Irishman

"Whale oil beef hooked!"

From the Gallipoli campaign in World War I...

The Australians are interrogating a captured Turkish soldier, when finally poor Mehmet has a question for them.

"Why do you call God such awful names? Why do you curse Him when your soldiers go into battle?"

The Aussies were surprised. "What do you mean?"

"Well, when we Turks leap out of our trenches and charge your lines, we cry 'Allah! Allah!' But when you charge us, you shout 'Bloody BASTAAARRRDD!!!'"

I met a passive aggressive witch.

She didn't curse me she just blessed everyone around me.

Don't anger a programming wizard.

They'll curse you, and every time you remove it, they'll just recurse.


What kind of shape can cure a curse?

A Hexagon

How does a man who cannot curse kill someone?

He buttbuttinates them...

I asked a young chap what his life goal was.

He said, 'To curse at people from the top of a mountain.'



'Erm,' I frowned, 'really?'



He said, 'Swear down.'

A businessman boarded a plane...

to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning, diamond ring he had ever seen.

He asked her about it. "This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr Klopman."

The people in the UK curse weird

Someone told me to get the fork out of here

I get nervous around cops who refuse to curse

They might say 'shoot' at a really bad time.

Again the oldest person has died

...the curse continues.

I tried a new asian burrito recently, but the green onions kept falling out.

Curse those wrap-scallions!


Once upon a time an evil witch decided to curse a young prince into a bear. The cursed prince sought help from a good wizard, but he refused. Why?

The prince was unbearable.

A woman visits a witch.

She asks the witch if she has something to help her break a curse that was cast against her about 8 years ago.

The witch asks, What sort of a curse was it, then?

The woman said, It went like 'I now pronounce you man and wife'."

I'm cursed to end every statement I make with Bruno Mars lyrics

Don't believe me? Just watch.

I understand superposition

It is both a blessing and a curse

If you're Divine and you want to stop a river, what do you do?

You God Dam it!


-I thought this up after hearing mom say her 2nd favorite curse

What do you get when you use the 3rd Unforgivable Curse on a pornstar?

Erotic cadaver.

Knowing quantum mechanics is both a blessing and a curse.

OC, what do you think?

Curse of Oak Island

The show "Curse of Oak Island" takes Jerry Seinfeld's concept of a show about nothing to a hole new level.

I saw a convict climbing down a ladder from prison.

As he was coming down he started to curse at me, and then It hit me, I just saw a condescending condescending.

Curse the time

Patient: Doctor, whenever I get up after a sleep, I feel dizzy for half an hour, then I'm all right.'

Doctor: Then wait for half an hour before getting up.

What do you call a buyer that likes to curse?

A cusstomer

An old man goes to the Wizard

...to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the *exact* words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

If Christians curse like: Oh my God

Wouldn't Atheists curse like: Oh my lack of a god ?

I don't curse...

I swear!

She loves and hates that I win almost every argument

My wife said to me yesterday that the way I always look at things from both sides is such a blessing.

I told her that it's also a curse.

How do ancient Romans curse?

FVCK YOV, YOV IACKASS.

When the famous baseball curse started, the Red Sox were desperate to win.

They were totally ruthless.

Overtime is a curse word in retail.*

*And the Atlanta Falcons.

The curse of being 69 years old.

David Bowie was 69 years old.
Alan Rickman was 69 years old.
Donald Trump is 69 years old.

Coincidence? I think not!

Why did the Native American curse the snow?

Because it was white and on his land!

What's the cruelest curse to wish upon a single guy?

"I wish his hands were made of stone."

There is an abundance of cuss jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 40 funniest jokes and curse puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any hexed witze you can hear about curse.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes