Current Jokes
137 current jokes and hilarious current puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about current that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Get ready to laugh with the latest and greatest in current jokes! From jokes that tackle current events, affairs, policies and factions, to the most topical and relevant in current Carnac, Naija and beyond - you can be sure you'll get your laugh fix.
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Funniest Current Short Jokes
Short current jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The current humour may include short latest jokes also.
- This week in DC, mark zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable. He's explaining Facebook to old people.
- My son kept chewing on electrical chords, so I grounded him... He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
- If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.
- The ceo of IKEA has just been appointed as the Prime Minister of Sweden. He's currently assembling his cabinet.
- Our President Elect is a real tough guy... The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a broadway musical.
- I'm currently in a love triangle I like this girl, this girl likes nobody, and nobody likes me.
- The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store. But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new star. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.
- I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay in my current job. He asked which companies? I told him the gas, electric, and phone companies.
- My son was chewing on electrical cords so i had to ground him.. He is doing better currently and conducting himself properly
- I caught my daughter chewing on an electrical cable. So I had to ground her and kept her at ohm
She's doing better currently .
And conducting herself properly
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Current One Liners
Which current one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with current? I can suggest the ones about present time and previous.
- CEO of IKEA is now the Prime Minister of Sweden He is currently assembling his cabinet.
- I met my current girlfriend at a midnight game release It was destiny
- My friend's body temperature is currently -273.15 °C Don't worry though, he's 0K.
- I'm currently reading a book about the life of Henry Ford. It's an autobiography.
- I decided to switch to a new barber My current barber just isn't cutting it.
- Is prince andrew worried about his current situation? No, he isn't sweating it at all.
- What's the ocean's favorite news segment? Current events.
- I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane we're currently filming the pilot
- I'm currently a recovering alcoholic... But I prefer the term "hungover."
- I'm currently reading this book about an immortal dog It's hard to put down.
- The problem majoring in electrical engineering... is keeping up with Current Events.
- Kim Jong Un is currently.. The Shrodingers cat of dictators.
- What do you call news about a body of water? Current events
- My son is currently studying how to run away from home. He'll go far, that kid.
- Someone fell into wet cement Currently there is no concrete evidence of who fell
Current Events Jokes
Here is a list of funny current events jokes and even better current events puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why should oceanographers be the Ones that report the news? They're always on top of current events!
- What is an electricians favorite type of news Current events
- Why do fish gets stressed ? Current events
- What do you call a jungle where animals talk about current events? A topical rainforest.
- What do fish talk about at work? Current events
- Why doesn't Dwayne Johnson's downstairs neighbor understand references to current events? He's been living under The Rock.
- A hermit in the middle east has not heard about any current events. I guess you could say he lives under Iraq.
- What do coral get stressed about? Current events
- If corals get stressed they die. What do corals even get stressed about?
Current events. - Why do sea creatures read the news? To keep up with current events!
Current News Jokes
Here is a list of funny current news jokes and even better current news puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Breaking News: The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden. He's currently assembling his cabinet.
- Why did the electrician become a news anchor? He's always had a knack for current events.
- Why aren't tsunamis and tidal waves always in the news... ...since they're both current events...
- Got a message in a bottle from the river today It was current news
- What news does an underwater welder pay the most attention to? Current events.
- "You look so cute reading the news paper!" It's taken me three years and countless hours, but attracting male attention by staying updated on current events is finally working.
- Fox News gave an unbiased report on current events.
Current Affairs Jokes
Here is a list of funny current affairs jokes and even better current affairs puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call it when an electron cheats? A current affair!
- The current state of affairs... Legal, but highly immoral.
- I went to the local library And found out that the post apocalyptic section has been shifted to current affairs after the us elections 2016
- I recently put my finger in a socket Its current affairs.
- Why did the dam operator become a journalist? He was caught up on current affairs.
- Why is electron couple's love always fresh? Because it's a current affair.
- What advice would you give to a fish? Stay in school and keep up with current affairs.
Current Political Jokes
Here is a list of funny current political jokes and even better current political puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I made a political joke up just now... Given the current temperature of the political climate....
Do you think we can all finally agree on climate change? - What do you call a lycanthrope who stays informed about politics & current events? An Awarewolf
- what do you get when you mix basic magic with politics? that's not the joke, it's the current state of the US.
Current Event Jokes
Here is a list of funny current event jokes and even better current event puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why are Saudis so behind on current events? Because they live under Iraq.
- Something light in light of Hurricane Florence Q: What do corals get stressed about?
A: Current events - My local fisherman keeps trying to lecture me about how the litter from single-use plastics flows downstream into spawning grounds. I see he's up-to-date with current events.
- A group of people gather in the Caribbean just so they can discuss current events... It's like they're on a Topical Island
- Want to hear a joke related to current events? I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the CIA.
- What is a fish's favorite topic of conversation? Current events.
- What is the vegetable you can learn the most from about current events from? A Newspepper
- Considering current events like the airlines and stuff... I kinda feel like Trump United the states after all.
- What do you call a weather report about thunderstorms? Current events
- What do you call a Saudi who doesn't care about current events? Living under Iraq.
Comical & Quirky Current Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about current you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean present jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make current pranks.
If Gingrich were to win the presidency...
...can we call his current wife the "third lady?"
I'm still on my first marriage, and... Wait, that sounded very negative, as if I don't expect this marriage to last.
My current wife hates it when I talk like that.
Resistance is not futile...
It's voltage divided by current.
Ooh! Ooh! I have a current events joke!
Go easy on me im drunk.
When I heard that the A/C had gone out at the AT&T Center in San Antonio tonight for the NBA finals, I thought to myself... I guess this favors the Heat.
Norwegians like to joke about the inferior intellect of our Swedish neighbors. This is my favorite joke:
A Norwegian is sitting at the bar and enjoying a nice drink. He turns to the large muscle man sitting by his side and asks: "Do you wan't to hear a joke about the swedes?"
The man replies: "Well, buddy, before you tell that joke I'd like you to know this: I am the current Swedish heavy weight boxing champion. The guy next to me won the Swedish wrestling championship five times and the guy sitting next to him represented Sweden in the Olympic games as a weight lifter. Are you absolutely sure you wan't to tell that joke?"
The Norwegian thinks for a few seconds and replies: "Meh, Not if I have to explain the joke THREE times."
A Russian, a Pole, an American, and an Israeli are interviewed.
The interviewer asks each, in turn, "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the current meat shortage?"
The Russian replies, "What's an 'opinion'?"
The Pole replies, "What's 'meat'?"
The American replies, "What's a 'shortage'?"
And the Israeli replies, "What's 'excuse me'?"
A man asked a priest for a name change..
"Hello Father, i would like to change my name please." the man said.
"Alright, what is your current name sir?" the priest asked.
"Bob h**...", the man said.
"Oh lord, i understand. What would you like to change your name to?" the priest asked.
"John h**...".
TIL the current Prime Minister of of Canada has a tattoo, and is in a cover band called the Van Cats, but...
...only the first part was Trudeau.
Cheating is one of the worst things a person can do.
But that is not the worst part. The worst part is that I just found out all my current partners are doing it!
What's the current number one song in Russia?
Crimea river
When cooking, I sometimes talk to my knife.
I talk to it about my current life situations.
The knife tells me I'm crazy.
It tends to be pretty sharp about these things, so I guess it has a point.
I've done some calculations, and I figure, that at my current rate of pay I could live happily for the rest of my life.
If I died tomorrow.
A man goes to the courthouse to change his name.
"What is your current name?" the clerk asks. "Adolph Trump."
"That *is* unfortunate," the clerk replies. "What do you want to change it to?"
"Adolph Jones."
My girlfriend often accuses me of telling sexist, condescending jokes that target women.
I've explained to her those jokes are actually ironic jabs at the current state of post-modern feminism, designed to highlight societal double standards across genders.
So she needn't worry her pretty little head about it.
I don't care much for political jokes. But I was thinking what would Reagan think of our current toxic political climate if he was alive today?
I think he would say " WHY WON'T SOMEONE LET ME OUT OF THIS BOX"
If the current Russian president is preparing to lead a series of swift military offensives...
...does that mean he's Putin on a blitz?
Vatican to elevate pope Francis to sainthood-report
Reports are emerging from the vatican that the current pope will be recommended for sainthood due to his compassion for his fellow man. When asked about the holy father's reaction, a vatican official said, 'In keeping with modern times, the pontiff would like to be the patron saint of email, St.Francis of a cc'
A married couple was eating at a restaurant
when the wife noticed her ex-husband sitting at the bar. "He's been drinking since I left him seven years ago" she said to her current husband.
"That's silly, dear" he replied. "No one celebrates that much."
Breaking news : ISIS has surrendered
As soon as they read that Hugh Hefner has died , they realized there won't be any more virgins left for them in heaven, and have laid down their arms and will lead peaceful lives with their current wives .
How do you induce a current in a wire by counting to 10?
By mathematical induction.
Volta and Ampere interview for the same job.
After the interviews, the managers concur - although Ampere's qualifications are current, Volta is the only one who has potential.
Did you hear the joke about Net Neutrality?
Sorry, your current internet package does not support punchlines. Please upgrade to the higher end package.
When Nintendo come out with a new version of the switch will the current one become...
The old switcheroo!
When interviewer asks you what you make at your current job
Apparently they don't expect you to say s**... mistakes and inappropriate comments.
A fisherman is fishing by the river shore when a man rushes towards him, catches his breath and says:
Man: "Excuse me, have you seen a woman pass by this area?"
Fisherman: "One with a white dress with black stripes?"
Man: "Yes, exactly! She must not be very far away, right?"
Fisherman: "I don't think so, the current isn't very strong today."
How did the guy who touched the 2018 calendar get electrocuted.
.
.
.
.
Cause it was the **"current"** year.
¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
Why do Muslims believe the afterlife is more important than the current life?
If you lived in the Middle East, you would too.
Back in ancient Egypt, the standardized units of measurements were based off the length of the current pharoah's body parts. The pointer finger would be one unit of measurement, the forearm another, and so on.
It could be noted, the pharoah was the ruler.
Nurse to my dad at the hospital...
... after he was hit by a car on his bike: do you smoke?
Dad, still not sure who the current president is: only when I'm on fire
Nurse: looks to my mom
Mom: no.
My friend was a violent serial killer...
Ended up getting caught some time back and sentenced to death by electric chair.
Fast-forward to day of execution.
Guard straps him in.
Guard: "Any last requests?"
Friend: "Remind me of buzzfeed clickbait articles 1 last time"
Guard: "The electric current is going to be started now, what happens next will shock you"
A mate of mine has a bank account just for buying raisins
It's a current account.
"Aliens vs Predator" is a good title for a movie...
... about the current situation of USA Immigration.
Joey moves to a nudist colony
Joey moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of him in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo.
He is extremely worried but then remembers that his grandmother's eyesight is poor and hopes that she doesn't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It reads
Dear Joey
Thank you for the picture. May I suggest that you get a haircut, your hair makes your nose look small.
Love Grandma
If your workplace requires password changes every 90 days
just set it to the name of the current Australian Prime minister and you should be fine.
Turkish Political Humor
Current Turkish gallows humour: A prisoner goes to the prison library, asks for a specific book. The guard tells him, "we don't have that book... but we do have the author." From Moshik_Temkin on Twitter
What do R. Kelly and current temperatures have in common?
They're both in the teens.
The interview
Interviewer: What do you make at your current job?
Me: Mostly mistakes and inappropriate comments.
Dear Americans, if you're dissatisfied with your current government....
have you tried switching it off and on again?
If my current career doesn't work out I'm going try my hand as a honey farmer.
It's my plan bee.
No matter what you think of the celebrities commenting on how we handle the current crisis, you should ALWAYS listen to music producers.
They give sound advice.
From the current state of America. The movie Joker was
ahead of the curve
The World Wildlife Fund has stated that if humans keep fishing at the current pace, there will be no more fish left in the oceans by 2048.
Which is going to make it really difficult to comfort someone who is going through a relationship break-up.
So I was making a joke about the current situation in Hong Kong.
𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘥 𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘵𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘢𝘴 𝘥𝘦𝘤𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘕𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘊𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘊𝘰𝘮𝘮𝘶𝘯𝘪𝘴𝘵 𝘗𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘺 𝘰𝘧 𝘊𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘢.
Three of a kind
Coral turns white when it gets stressed. What could coral be stressed about you ask? Current events.
Eletrical engineers make mistakes when they get stressed. What could an eletrical engineer be stressed about you ask? Current events.
Berry farmers are seeing a drop in productivity due to stress. What could Berry farmers be stressed about you ask? Currant events.
WANTED: Large amount of rats, mice and bed bugs
… as my current rental agreement requires me to leave the apartment in the condition it was when I moved in.
What's the difference between a furniture store and our current president?
One is a shack of sit, and the other is a sack of s**...\[THIS JOKE HAS BEEN TAKEN DOWN BY THE NSA\]
I feel bad for current college students...
Back when I was in school, our national health emergency was caused by drinking Four Lokos.
A woman and her husband were arguing over the current precipitation...
The woman insisted it was drizzling outside while her husband said that really, it was just misting.
They decided that the argument would be settled by asking their elderly former soviet neighbor Rudolf.
Rudolf grimaced at the sky for a moment and held up a hand to catch some of the falling moisture. "It is drizzle," he declared.
The husband, a little put out by losing the argument, complained. "And why are we accepting our neighbors judgement?"
"Because," the wife replied, "Rudolf the red knows rain, dear."
My six year old's current favorite joke:
Him: Knock knock.
Me: Who's there?
Him: Interrupting pirate.
Me: Interrupting pira...
Him: Arrrrrrgggh!!!
An electrical current joins the air force
He was too afraid to fly over enemy ohmland because he was worried he'd be grounded.
Electric cars
**Do you need a current licence to drive an electric car?**
Satan went to the doctor because he felt he wasn't evil enough for the current times….
After his check up the doctor prescribed to him some meta-sin.
A concerned parent calls their child's pediatrician and says, Recently my child has started eating power cords. What should I do?
Without missing a beat the doctor responds, depending on the current situation at home you need to ground him until he can conduct himself appropriately!
Due to the current economic situation in the world, I've started a dating site for chickens.
It's not my full-time job, I'm just doing it...
...to make hens meet.
My son kept chewing on electrical cables so I finally had to ground him
Of course he denied the charge first, but later I found him coiled up in his room.
He's conducting himself better now, so I think that worked out.
Well that's the current situation anyways, but there's definitely potential for greater resistance.
Some days I just feel like I don't have the capacity for raising kids.
He can be a real live wire sometimes.
TIL: Units of measurement like feet and inches were originally based on the current monarch's sizes
That's why they were called rulers.
I saw an advert selling a trained police dog for £25 in the local paper, saw a bargain and bought it.
When the current owner brought it round a mangy mutt jumped out their car.
I said 'There's no way that's a Police dog'
The owner replied 'Don't let looks decieve you, he worked undercover'
How can you tell a Futurama fan by asking them about the current state of Covid?
They can correctly pronounce Omicron
Cake Day. My current go-to jokes
My two current go-to jokes:
1. Why is a broken drum the best gift? Because you can't beat it.
2. Me: Pete and Repeat are in a boat. Pete jumped out. Who's left?
Them: Repeat.
Me: Pete and Repeat are in a boat. Pete jumped out. Who's left?
Them: Repeat.
Me: Pete and Repeat are in a boat. Pete jumped out. Who's left?
Them: Repeat.
An electrician goes to the bank to open a Savings Account…
turns out he's only eligible for a Current Account
o**... started wearing a vest that had the current time on either side.
It got him a few weird looks, as the vest wasn't all that attractive, and he wouldn't be able to see the time on the vest. Finally, after a few days, someone asked him about it.
"I figured that this way, " the man answered. "Time would always be on my side."
Authorities in Lake Tahoe are on the lookout for three bears that have collectively broken into more than 30 homes
Current leads suggest that the bears' location to be somewhere in the goldilock zone
A priest is on a plane
A stewardess aproaches him and asks:
Stewardess: "Hello father, would you like anything to drink? We have whiskey, cognac and beer."
Priest: "That sounds nice. Actually, what is our altitude at the moment?"
Stewardess: "Our current altitude is about 35,000 feet"
Priest: "Well then i will just take a bottle of water, the boss might see me otherwise"
Apparently this is a current Russian joke: What is the title of Tolstoy's main work?
It's "Special operation and peace".
The other day I told my boss…
That I needed a raise if he wanted me to stay in my current job, I told him that 3 companies were after me. Shocked he asked me which ones?
I then replied gas, electric, and cable.
A KGB agent meets a friend
"How are you doing?" the KGB agent asks
"I'm fine, I'm working as a teacher. How about you?"
"I'm a KGB agent"
"Oh, what is it that you do?"
"I arrest those who are dissatisfied with the current regime"
"There are those that are satisfied with the current regime?" the friend asks in shock
"Yeah, but they are the responsibility of the anti-corruption department"
How does Ye explain his current problems to his kid?
North West, I am sorry to say that my career is going south.
I'm not sure about the current US government
Kinda feels like they're just Biden time until the next election..
