The Best 53 Cured Jokes

What do you call an underwater restaurant that serves cured meats to sharks?

A Sharc-eatery

Curing a nuns hiccups

A nurse is going to work, walking through the hospitals parking lot, when a nun runs past her, screaming and crying. The nurse approaches the doctor standing in the doorway and asks, "What's wrong with that nun?" "Oh," the doctors says, "I told her she was pregnant." "Oh, so she's pregnant?" "No, but it share cured her hiccups."

Less than 1 month without a pope....

.....and we've already cured HIV.

Did you hear about the guy addicted to eating salt?

Don't worry, he was cured.

I heard that the president was poisoned, then cured.

But the information is purely antidotal.

So a turkey and a ham are walking into a cancer survivors meeting...

The ham looks over at the turkey and says:

"What are you doing here? You aren't cured. "

What should you do with your sick pig?

make it into cured bacon

Why did the ham go to the hospital?

To get cured!

What makes a salami excited?

When the ham is cured!

Why don't pigs like medicine?

They hate being cured!

What did the cannibal Doctor do with his patients?

He cured them.

A salami goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him "Sorry, I can't help you, ..."

"... you're already cured."

I never get drunk when I drink a certain type of beer. It's because I eat salt at the same time.

It keeps me cured of my ales.

I was cured of lycanthropy.

Now I'm a were-wolf.

What do you call ham that feels better?

Cured ham.

How do you cure aids?

You put it into world leaders.

Note - This is an old joke I've heard when I was a kid, but seeing how Jimmy Carter was cured by a drug that was just released recently, it feels like a sad reality.

What do you call it when you think you've lost your Italian cured meat, but then you find it again?

A falsalami

I used to suffer from delusions that I was a bland, flavourless cut of meat...

but now I'm cured.

They say alcohol cures everything, but that's a lie...

It still hasn't cured my alcoholism.

Researchers in Texas have cured diabetes in mice without side effects.

I bet the scientist that are trying to cure diabetes in humans are so jealous right now.

A man was in a psych ward for thinking he was a piece of corn.

He was finally cured and set free, but immediatelly came back to the mental hospital trembling in fear. When asked why, he said, "there's a chicken outside."

Doctor: "but sir, you do know you're human right? Not a piece of corn."

Patient: "of course I know that! But does the chicken know?!"

[OC] Ever since drugs, I've started seeing things...

They may be illegal, but at least they cured my blindness!

I went to see the doctor the other day...

...and as I arrived, a nun rushed out crying. So, I said to the doctor, "d'you know, when I arrived here, a nun rushed out crying!". Doctor says, "oh yeah, I just told her she's pregnant."
"Oh my God," says I, "is she really?"
"No, of course not," says the doctor, "but it cured her hiccups!"

Lil piggy is sick

A Lil Piggy is sick and goes to see Dr. Pig. "Dr. Pig," he says, "I feel awful!! What do I do?"

Dr. Pig says "Here's what you do: go home and roll around in some salt. I'll check back in with you in a week."

One week later, Dr. Pig goes to see the Lil Piggy. Dr. Pig asks, "So, are you feeling any better?"

"Better?" says Lil Piggy. "I'm cured!!"

A Second Opinion

Lenny tells the psychiatrist, Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it.

Come to me three times a week for two years, and I'll cure your fears, says the shrink. And I'll charge you only $200 a visit.

Lenny says he'll think about it. Six months later, he runs into the doctor, who asks why he never came back. For $200 a visit? says Lenny. A bartender cured me for $10.

Is that so! How?

He told me to cut the legs off the bed.

Where do you send your kid to be cured of ADD?

A concentration camp

I like saying "see you later" to my friends when we are departing.

They always seem excited as if my blindness will be cured the next time we meet up.

I had split personality disorder...

Now we are cured.

What is a veterinarian's favourite type of charcuterie?

Cured duck

I'm not saying cosmetic surgery cured my depression

But it definitely put a smile on my face.

You know when I was growing up I thought modern medicine would have cured everything.

I still can't believe it's nearly 1993 and they haven't found a cure for alzheimer's.

A marsupial fixed me an aromatic beverage, by pouring hot water over cured leaves and it was absolutely delightful! I asked how it was possible to make something so awesome at this level and he responded...

"It's koala tea."

Friend got a sick paint job

Luckily, it'll be cured in about 24 hours.

In the doctor's office

Doctor : Sir, I must ask you to stop masturbating.

Patient : Do you think I'll be cured that way?

Doctor : No, I'll be able to look at the problem!

A guy walks into a bar and says, "O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please."

The bartender tells him, "I used to have a stutter too. Then one day, my wife gave me head, and from that point on I was cured!" The guy gets really excited and runs out the door without ever getting his beer.

The next day, the guy walks back into the bar and says, "O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please."

The bartender asks him, "It didn't work, huh?"

The guy says, "N-n-nope. B-but y-your h-h-house is r-r-really n-n-nice."

A scientist runs into an AA meeting...

...and exclaims "we did it! We found a medical cure for alcoholism! All you have to do is take this one pill daily and you are cured."

Slowly a hand raises in the back and a man says "what happens if you take two?"

Why haven't scientists cured Parkinson's disease yet?

Their research is still a little shaky.

Why hasn't science cured celiac's disease yet?

Their research is just getting started. Wheat a while.

Why hasn't science cured Canadians' syrup addiction yet?

Funding dried up when it was realized it maple money from other import causes.

I cured a cow's insomnia once.

It was easy with a bulldozer. Now it doesn't want to wake up.

Homeopathy cured my dehydration.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.

Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Steven, you're cured!"

Can salmonella be cured by eating salmon?

Or is salmonella caused by eating salmon?

I told my friend I had sex with his daughter and got her pregnant.

That cured his hicups.

The Doctors told me I was just Six Degrees from dying of Kevin Bacon

Fortunately, Bacon was cured.

My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

Turkish saying about the Placebo effect

"If you take this medicine, you'll be cured in 7 days. If you don't take it, you'll be cured in one week"

Man goes to a doctor complaining of eye pain...

Every time he drinks his tea. The doctor offers him a cup of tea and tells him to drink it. The guy puts two lumps of sugar in and stirs with a spoon and drinks while shouting in agony. He then says see doctor, it happens every time!
The doctor nods, then removes the tea spoon from the cup and says I have cured you now!

Where do blind people go to get cured?

To the ICU.

An inspector goes to a mental institution to check if any of the patients had been cured

When he gets there he places an empty pool on the ground. All the patients start squealing with joy, and jumping in the pool, hurting themselves. Only one patient stands to the side and doesn't jump. The inspector goes to ask him why he isn't jumping. The patient says: do you think I'm crazy? I can't swim

Why are Jewish delis and therapist's offices alike?

They're both places where beef is cured.