The Funniest Cured Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh
What do you call an underwater restaurant that serves cured meats to sharks?
A Sharc-eatery
Curing a nuns hiccups
A nurse is going to work, walking through the hospitals parking lot, when a nun runs past her, screaming and crying. The nurse approaches the doctor standing in the doorway and asks, "What's wrong with that nun?" "Oh," the doctors says, "I told her she was pregnant." "Oh, so she's pregnant?" "No, but it share cured her hiccups."
Less than 1 month without a pope....
.....and we've already cured h**....
Did you hear about the guy addicted to eating salt?
Don't worry, he was cured.
I heard that the president was poisoned, then cured.
But the information is purely antidotal.
So a turkey and a ham are walking into a cancer survivors meeting...
The ham looks over at the turkey and says:
"What are you doing here? You aren't cured. "
What should you do with your sick pig?
make it into cured bacon
Why did the ham go to the hospital?
To get cured!
What makes a salami excited?
When the ham is cured!
Why don't pigs like medicine?
They hate being cured!
What did the cannibal Doctor do with his patients?
He cured them.
You can explore cured prognosis reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean cured remedy dad jokes. There are also cured puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A salami goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him "Sorry, I can't help you, ..."
"... you're already cured."
I never get drunk when I drink a certain type of beer. It's because I eat salt at the same time.
It keeps me cured of my ales.
I was cured of lycanthropy.
Now I'm a were-wolf.
How do you cure aids?
You put it into world leaders.
Note - This is an old joke I've heard when I was a kid, but seeing how Jimmy Carter was cured by a drug that was just released recently, it feels like a sad reality.
What do you call it when you think you've lost your Italian cured meat, but then you find it again?
A falsalami
I used to suffer from delusions that I was a bland, flavourless cut of meat...
but now I'm cured.
They say alcohol cures everything, but that's a lie...
It still hasn't cured my alcoholism.
Researchers in Texas have cured diabetes in mice without side effects.
I bet the scientist that are trying to cure diabetes in humans are so jealous right now.
A man was in a psych ward for thinking he was a piece of corn.
He was finally cured and set free, but immediatelly came back to the mental hospital trembling in fear. When asked why, he said, "there's a chicken outside."
Doctor: "but sir, you do know you're human right? Not a piece of corn."
Patient: "of course I know that! But does the chicken know?!"
[OC] Ever since drugs, I've started seeing things...
They may be i**..., but at least they cured my blindness!
I went to see the doctor the other day...
...and as I arrived, a nun rushed out crying. So, I said to the doctor, "d'you know, when I arrived here, a nun rushed out crying!". Doctor says, "oh yeah, I just told her she's pregnant."
"Oh my God," says I, "is she really?"
"No, of course not," says the doctor, "but it cured her hiccups!"
Lil piggy is sick
A Lil Piggy is sick and goes to see Dr. Pig. "Dr. Pig," he says, "I feel awful!! What do I do?"
Dr. Pig says "Here's what you do: go home and roll around in some salt. I'll check back in with you in a week."
One week later, Dr. Pig goes to see the Lil Piggy. Dr. Pig asks, "So, are you feeling any better?"
"Better?" says Lil Piggy. "I'm cured!!"
An old lady visits her doctor...
...and says to him:
"Doctor, I have a problem. I keep f**... all day long, luckily they don't smell and are dead silent, can you do something to make it stop?"
"Take these pills and come back after a week for a checkup."
One week later she comes by and says:
"Doctor! Not only didn't the f**... stop, but now they are smelly as a landfill!"
The doctor replies:
"Calm down, miss. I cured your sense of smell, now to do something about that hearing."
A Second Opinion
Lenny tells the psychiatrist, Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it.
Come to me three times a week for two years, and I'll cure your fears, says the shrink. And I'll charge you only $200 a visit.
Lenny says he'll think about it. Six months later, he runs into the doctor, who asks why he never came back. For $200 a visit? says Lenny. A bartender cured me for $10.
Is that so! How?
He told me to cut the legs off the bed.
Where do you send your kid to be cured of ADD?
A concentration camp
I like saying "see you later" to my friends when we are departing.
They always seem excited as if my blindness will be cured the next time we meet up.
I had split personality disorder...
Now we are cured.
I'm not saying cosmetic surgery cured my depression
But it definitely put a smile on my face.
A woman had a terrible skin disease
That covered her legs. She went to a dermatologist and he said
"What you have is very rare but easily cured. Take a bath in milk for 3 nights and it will go away."
The woman went home and called the local grocery store and said
"I would like to buy 40 gallons of milk to bathe in."
The man on the phone exclaimed "40 gallons pasturized!?"
She said "heavens no... Just past my waist."
You know when I was growing up I thought modern medicine would have cured everything.
I still can't believe it's nearly 1993 and they haven't found a cure for alzheimer's.
A marsupial fixed me an aromatic beverage, by pouring hot water over cured leaves and it was absolutely delightful! I asked how it was possible to make something so awesome at this level and he responded...
"It's koala tea."
In the doctor's office
Doctor : Sir, I must ask you to stop m**....
Patient : Do you think I'll be cured that way?
Doctor : No, I'll be able to look at the problem!
A guy walks into a bar and says, "O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please."
The bartender tells him, "I used to have a stutter too. Then one day, my wife gave me head, and from that point on I was cured!" The guy gets really excited and runs out the door without ever getting his beer.
The next day, the guy walks back into the bar and says, "O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please."
The bartender asks him, "It didn't work, huh?"
The guy says, "N-n-nope. B-but y-your h-h-house is r-r-really n-n-nice."
A scientist runs into an AA meeting...
...and exclaims "we did it! We found a medical cure for alcoholism! All you have to do is take this one pill daily and you are cured."
Slowly a hand raises in the back and a man says "what happens if you take two?"
Homeopathy cured my dehydration.
The Doctors told me I was just Six Degrees from dying of Kevin Bacon
Fortunately, Bacon was cured.
My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.
Wow thanks I'm cured.
Turkish saying about the Placebo effect
"If you take this medicine, you'll be cured in 7 days. If you don't take it, you'll be cured in one week"
Man goes to a doctor complaining of eye pain...
Every time he drinks his tea. The doctor offers him a cup of tea and tells him to drink it. The guy puts two lumps of sugar in and stirs with a spoon and drinks while shouting in agony. He then says see doctor, it happens every time!
The doctor nods, then removes the tea spoon from the cup and says I have cured you now!
Where do blind people go to get cured?
To the ICU.
An inspector goes to a mental institution to check if any of the patients had been cured
When he gets there he places an empty pool on the ground. All the patients start squealing with joy, and jumping in the pool, hurting themselves. Only one patient stands to the side and doesn't jump. The inspector goes to ask him why he isn't jumping. The patient says: do you think I'm crazy? I can't swim
Why are Jewish delis and therapist's offices alike?
They're both places where beef is cured.
Giovanni said to his daughter, "I no like-a that Irish boy taking you out-a. He is-a rough and common, and besides-a, he is-a a big-a dumbbell!"
"No, papa," replied the girl, "Tim is the cleverest fella I know." "Why-a you say-a that?" "We have only been dating nine weeks and he has already cured me of that little illness I used to get every month!"
I know a guy who had a pet pig.
This pig got sick one day, suffering from fear of what would happen when he finally got eaten, and turned into a nice juicy ham. My friend took him to the vet, to see why this pig was acting depressed(not eating, not sleeping, etc.). The vet prescribed one thing: cure him.
tld;dr: my friend's pig was sick, but then he got cured.
A doctor's receptionist is working away when she sees a nun running out of the doctor's office in floods of tears.
"whats up with her?" asked the receptionist.
"Oh, I told her she was pregnant", answered the doctor.
"Oh, no! That's terrible".
"Don't worry," said the doctor, "she's not, but it's cured her hiccups".
Did you hear about the guy who was addicted to eating salt?
Don't worry, he was cured.
A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out: 'Is that you, Jim?' And that cured him."
"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how did that cure him?"
The neighbor said, "His name is Bill."
Tonight my kids read the bible story about Lot's wife turning into a pillar of salt.
I told them, "It's okay, I'm sure she's cured by now."
Why is beef jerky healthy?
Because it's cured.
Psychiatrist asks two patients to act they're in a grocery store
he told them that if they do it well, he'll sign them off the hospital.
so the first asks for one gallon of potatoes
the second one bursts into laughter
the doctor was happy his patient is cured, but asks him for confirmation : "why are you laughing ?"
\- because, he wants to buy a gallon of potatoes and he didn't bring a bottle
Relapse
"Great news, Mr. Oscarson," the psychiatrist reported. "After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You'll never be trapped by the desire to steal again. "Gee, that's great, Doc," the patient replied."And just to prove it, I want you to stop by Sears on the way home and walk the length of the store.
You'll see - you'll feel no temptation to shoplift whatsoever. "Oh, Doctor, whatever can I do to thank you? "Well," suggested the psychiatrist, "if you DO have a relapse, I could use a new microwave. "
A nun runs crying out of the doctor's office
The nurse asks the doctor "Why is she so upset?"
"Oh," the doctor says, "I just told her she was pregnant."
"Oh my! She's pregnant?"
"No, not really, but I sure cured her hiccups."
Cured!
A lady sees the doctor to complain about her flatulences. „Doctor, I have these huge flatulences. Although they don't smell they're bothering me. The doctor gives her some pills to s**... and asks her to show up next week. After a week the lady returns: „What pills did you give me? My farts stink like h**... now! The doctor replies: „You nose is okay now again, now we take care of your flatulences.
Best name for cured meat convention in San Francisco...
... Bay Con.
I used to have an addiction to ham.
But now I'm cured.
The CPAP machine instantly cured my sleep apnea
Can't sleep at all with that thing on my face.
