Cure Jokes

Following is our collection of heal humor and antidote one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Cure puns for adults, dirty researchers jokes or clean gout gags for kids.

There is an abundance of symptom jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 55 funniest jokes on cure. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any hypochondria witze you can hear about cure.

The Best jokes about Cure

Dear Satan...

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia

Smoking will kill you ...



Bacon will kill you...

But, smoking bacon will cure it.

I found a cure for my wife's insomnia...

All I have to do is express a desire to have sex with her and immediately she is too tired to do anything but sleep.

I can't believe no one has managed to come up with a cure for anorexia yet...

I thought it'd be a piece of cake...

Can't believe it's nearly 1996

and they haven't found a cure for Alzheimer's


I wanted to build my career on making chemistry jokes to cure my depression.

Then I realized alcohol is a solution.

There's only one problem with North Korea's miracle cure for AIDS and Ebola:

The directions say the medication must be taken with food.

I used to be in a band called The Prevention...

We were better than the Cure.

A pig goes to the doctors with swine flu.

The doctor gives him a leaflet for a therapeutic spa and tells him to go straight there.

When he gets there he's instructed to lay in a shallow bath of salt and sugar.

He chuckles to himself and thinks, "what's this supposed to do, cure me!"

[NSFW] "You don't sound so well today", a woman told her business partner.

"I have a sore throat", the partner responded.
"I have the best cure", the first said. "Each time I have a sore throat I blow my husband and immediately feel better."
The next day the partner walks into work with a smile on her face.
"Did you do what I suggested?", the first asked.
"Yes, and thanks for the tip", the second said.
"Your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"

ANOTHER nun sat outside a bar in Ireland...

Sipping from a bottle of whiskey, and quite inebriated, when the local Gard walks past.

"Sister Mary", he asks "what in God's name are you doing?!"

"Not to worry, sergeant. I'm trying to *hic* cure the Mother Superior's constipation."

"And how is you being in this state going to help the Mother Superior with her constipation exactly?!"

"Cos when she sees me like this", Sister Mary replied, "she'll be shittin a brick!"


An attractive young woman goes to a mystic guru

An attractive young woman goes to a mystic guru and says: Oh great guru, please cure me of my ailment guruji! As the woman was attractive, the mystic guru said I will cure you my child, but as token of you gratitude, you must go to bed with me.

She agreed, and the guru had the best sex of his life with the woman.

Then the guru asked Tell me, my child. what is your ailment? . I have AIDS replied the woman.

I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80s bands.

There is no cure.

I'm going to find a cure for blindness.

YOU'LL SEE! YOU'LL ALL SEE!

"What do we want?"

"A cure for Alzheimer's!"

"When do we want it....?"

"Want what...?"

The cure for my depression is right around the corner.

Yes, here comes my train now.

"You have a very rare and extremely contagious condition"

the doctor told his patient.

"We're going to have to put you in an isolation unit where you'll be on a diet of pancakes and pizza."

"Will the pancakes and pizza cure my condition?" asked the patient.

"No," replied the doctor.

"They're the only things we can slip under the door."

Local mom finds cure to weight loss, Scientist are dumbfounded...

at how gullible people on the internet are.

The receptionist got a bit shocked when a nun comes running out at full speed, with an expression that could only be described as pure horror.

Receptionist: What in gods name happened to her? The receptionist asked the doctor.

Doctor: Well, I told her she was pregnant.

Receptionist: Pregnant? A nun? Was she really?

Doctor: Of course not, but atleast I managed to cure her hiccups...


What do we want? More research into a cure for ADHD! When do we want it?

Let's play swingball!

One day I'll create a cure for blindness

You'll see.

The older man and his problems

A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies: "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned: The pork swordsman will not rise again for another year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves, and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed,cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks: "What did you say '123' for?"

I got on the bus, sat down and noticed a beautiful blonde Chinese woman crying in the seat across from me...

I moved over and asked her why she was crying.

"I don't usually bare my soul to strangers," she said.

I replied that sometimes it was perfectly fine to tell your story to a perfect stranger. She nodded and said, "I just came out of my therapist session and he says there is no way to cure me."

I asked what exactly was her problem. She said, "I'm a nymphomaniac, but I only get turned on by Jewish cowboys. You know, I do feel better. By the way, my name is Kim."

"Glad to meet you," I said. "My name is Bucky Goldstein."

-----



Steve Wright

Two guys are playing tennis.

After they finish their game, one turns to the other and tells his friend his elbow really hurts. His friend tells him to go down to the local pharmacy. At the pharmacy they have a machine where you put in $5 and a urine sample, and the machine will tell you what's wrong and how to cure it. The friend is astonished so he goes down. He puts in the $5 and a urine sample and the machine prints out a little sheet of paper. On the paper it says: You have tennis elbow, rest your elbow, stay away from strenuous activity, and it should go away. This guy is amazed. He drives home quickly, thinking he can test the machine. So, he grabs a big glass. He puts some tap water in, gets his wife and daughter to pee in it, and just for fun he masturbates into it. He goes back down puts in $5 and the sample. A large list prints out. It says: You have hard water get, a water softener, your daughter is addicted to heroin, get her into rehab, your wife is cheating on you, get a lawyer, and if you don't quit masturbating your tennis elbow is never going to go away.

How do you cure a mute coworker?

Tell them a secret

I realized that whacking off helps me fall asleep much faster

This whole time the cure for insomnia was within my grasp

The doctor said to me, Your brain seems to have deleted all information about 80's pop music! I gasped, Yikes! What's The Cure?!

He yowled, Oh my God! It's worse than I thought!

Dear Satan,

Please cure my dyslexia this Christmas, thank you!

Saw others translating Russian and Romanian jokes and thought I'd share two Hungarian ones (but be warned, Hungarian humor is terrible)

GyΓΆrgy had a headache and asked his friend for advice, and his friend said he could cure the headache by hammering a nail into the place it hurt. So he lined up the nail and was getting ready to hit when he saw GyΓΆrgy cringing. "What are you scared of?" the friend asked, and GyΓΆrgy replied, "I'm scared that you'll miss!"

---------------

A man says to a woman, "I wish you would bring your smile over to my place."

The woman replies, "Aren't you a ladies' man!"

And the man replies, "No, I'm a dentist."

---------------

Still reading? You're crazy! Okay, here's a "bonus" one.

An electrician enters the room in the hospital where they keep the patients on life support and he calls out, "Take a deep breath, everyone! I need to change a fuse!"

A Lesson in English

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform in bed. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123'"

The guy then asks, "What happens when I want the effect to go away."

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234. But be warned - it will not work again for another year."

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers.

That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his best shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123." It works better than he thought.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

And now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition

Why you should never end a sentence with a preposition.

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a
nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4'," he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved and took a spoonful of the medicine. Then he invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. Then she asked, "What was the '1-2-3' for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Grammer is important

On his 75th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

The Cure for the Common Cold

It's called "The Whiskey and a Hat Trick"

All you need is a bottle of whiskey and a hat.

First, sit on your bed. Place the hat at the foot of the bed. Proceed to drink whiskey until you see two hats, then go to sleep.

If you do this your cold will be gone in just 7 days.

If you don't, it'll last a whole week.

A scientist runs into an AA meeting...

...and exclaims "we did it! We found a medical cure for alcoholism! All you have to do is take this one pill daily and you are cured."

Slowly a hand raises in the back and a man says "what happens if you take two?"

A Second Opinion

Lenny tells the psychiatrist, Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it.

Come to me three times a week for two years, and I'll cure your fears, says the shrink. And I'll charge you only $200 a visit.

Lenny says he'll think about it. Six months later, he runs into the doctor, who asks why he never came back. For $200 a visit? says Lenny. A bartender cured me for $10.

Is that so! How?

He told me to cut the legs off the bed.

Husband's Temper

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"


The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

What does smoking cure?

Ham

(Dr Who joke) Why can't a sonic screwdriver cure erectile dysfunction?

It doesn't do wood.

How do the Irish cure a hangover?

With a funeral.

A man goes to the doctor, worried about his wife's temper.

The doctor asks, What's the problem?

The man says, Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It scares me.

The doctor says, I have a cure for that. When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down.

Two weeks later, the man comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The man says, Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?

The doctor says, The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.

I have found a cure for people suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder...

... just send them to concentration camps.

Guy gets a call from his doctor.

"Your blood test results are in... I'm sorry to tell you that you have contracted leprosy," says the doctor.

"What? How?" Guy exclaims.

"Can't be sure, but we need to discuss treatment options. There is a cure, but it is extremely expensive."

"What choice do I have, doc?" Guy laments. "How much will it cost?"

"An arm and a leg."

If laughter was the best medicine...

Your face would cure the world!

An Insomniac once told me.....

I will not rest until I find a cure for my insomnia.

Bottle Number 43

A new miracle doctor comes to town, who people say could cure anything. John, the local doubting Thomas, decides to prove the doctor a fraud.
He goes to the doctor and says: "Hey, doc. I've lost my sense of taste." The doctor thinks a while, scratches his head and tells John: "What you need is bottle number 43." He brings out a bottle and tells John to taste its content. John does, and immediately spits it out."Yuck, gross!" he yells. "I just restored your sense of taste," says the doctor. John is furious.
A month later, John goes back to the doctor. "Doc," he says, "I can't remember anything!"
The doctor starts thinking again, and John is thrilled. Aha! Got him. The doctor mumbles to John, "What you need is bottle number 43..." Even before he finishes his sentence, John had fled the clinic.

Medical Marijuana isn't a new concept.

We've been using smoke to cure things for centuries.

If you could have Bill Gates' wealth or cure all the suffering in Africa...

What colour Ferrari would you get?

Did u hear the joke about the cure for covid19?

It's a riot

Scientists have discovered the best way to cure laziness.

Unfortunately nobody has bothered to read the article.

This man goes to the doctor and the doctor said;

You seem to have forgotten everything you know about 80s music

The man in a state of panic asks; oh no, what is the cure

The doctor said; oh my god it's worse than I thought

A guy goes to the doctor to cure his amnesia

And asks, "doctor what should I do?"

Doctor replies, "pay me first."

How do you cure aids?

You put it into world leaders.

Note - This is an old joke I've heard when I was a kid, but seeing how Jimmy Carter was cured by a drug that was just released recently, it feels like a sad reality.

Went to an eye specialist because I couldn't read fluently

The doctor told me "Son, I have bad news for you and for what I see, you will have to deal with this condition since we don't have a cure for it" and proceded to hand me a paper with my results. I was extremely happy with it!

How can it be bad news having daylisex for life?

How did they cure the swine flu?

With oinkment.

A 'cure' for lesbianism.

I'm sorry in advance. My dad just told me this joke last night.

"Scientists believe they have found a a cure for lesbianism. The cure can be found in a prescription drug called tricoxsagain."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes