Curb Jokes
56 curb jokes and hilarious curb puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about curb that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article takes an in-depth look at the often-overlooked form of humor known as "curb jokes". Find out why these "unhurt" jokes are a great way to look at the world with a slightly different angle and explore how you can use them to suppress the mundane and make moments more memorable. Discover the sheer joy of puns and sidewalk wordplay!
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Funniest Curb Short Jokes
Short curb jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The curb humour may include short curtains jokes also.
- Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"?
He said, "Yes, what gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents." - At a rally today Donald Trump ordered the secret service to remove a crying baby. They had him halfway to the curb before realizing the error.
- I was driving along the road and I saw a coffin on the curb with a sign that said "FREE" I thought to myself, "this is the last thing I need."
- My teacher told me to sit Indian style.... So I sat out on the curb with a bottle of whiskey.
- A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" ... ... "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"
- Have any you ever tried to throw out a garbage can ? I leave it on the curb everyday, and its always there when I get back from work.
- I saw a man sitting on a curb looking down on his luck so I gave him a dollar he gave it back and said " I'm not homeless, I'm married "
- Did you hear they're selling the house where they filmed American History X? The interior is okay but it has really bad curb appeal.
- A man went to the vet for advice to curb his racist dog that kept barking at his Asian neighbour. "Muzzle him" the vet advised.
The man paused, and exclaimed, "could be, he does have a big beard" - In a last ditch effort to curb over grazing, some ranchers have decided to drive their cattle up into the mountains. Analysts say the steaks have never been higher.
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Curb One Liners
Which curb one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with curb? I can suggest the ones about curves and cult.
- My career as a street fighter didn't last very long... I broke my hand punching a curb.
- Why did the driver run over the sidewalk? He wanted to flatten the curb
- Did you hear about the curbs going on strike? They're lining the streets in protest
- How do you throw away a garbage can? It's been sitting on my curb for three weeks now.
- Most jokes are like old couches You put them on the curb, but people keep using them.
- My dad kicked my English tutor to the curb... He's very anti semantics!
- What's the best way to describe getting curb stomped? sole-crushing
- Which ankle did Spider-Man twist after tripping on the curb? Ankle Ben.
- What did the s**... interstate say to the porche? I got curbs!
- Yo mama is so small she committed s**... off the curb.
Silly Curb Jokes for a Good Time with Friends
What funny jokes about curb you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean curly jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make curb pranks.
Two Cops were waiting outside of a bar at closing time......
.....waiting to pop drunk drivers.
A man comes out of the bar, and he is obviously in rough shape. He is weaving all over the place, and almost falls when he trips on a curb. He fumbles with his car keys for almost two minutes, dropping them several times before he finally unlocks his car. He gets in, starts the car, and drives off.
Needless to say, the cops follow him: for several miles. The man's driving was flawless, perfect and in accordance with all traffic laws.
Finally, they decide to pull him over anyway. They turn on their lights. He pulls over instantly. They ask him to step out of the car; he calmly complies. They check his license; it is valid, and clean. They give him several field sobriety tests, each harder than the last. He passes all with flying colors.
The two cops look at each other, then the man, and ask "Sir, you aren't drunk, are you?"
"No, I'm not," says the man.
"Then why were you acting drunk when you left the bar?"
"I'm tonight's DD."
"Designated Driver?"
"No, I'm the Designated Decoy. All of my drunk friends drove off the other way."
For all you band geeks out there.
One day, God decided to descend from heaven to talk to his children. He was walking down the streets of New York when he finds a man crying on the curb. God asks, 'My son, what is wrong?' The man answers, 'I've been blind since birth and have never been able to see the sunrise.' So God touches him and he is healed. In Nashville, God finds another man crying on a park bench. 'My son, what is troubling you?' 'I've been crippled since birth and have never been able to run.' So God reaches out, touches him, and the man embraces him and runs off. While walking through Orlando, God finds another man crying. He asks, 'My son, why are you crying?' 'My Lord... I am a band teacher...' So God sits down next to him and cries.
Bikers riding drunk
A cop was staking out the local pub for bikers riding drunk. At closing time, he sees a biker stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets on the bike, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and rides off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0!
The cop says, "How is this possible?"
The guy laughs and says, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A poor couple...
A poor couple try their best to make ends meet. Times were hard, and there were days when the couple couldn't afford to eat. To curb their hunger, the couple would have s**....
One evening, the husband comes home from work and finds his wife h**... the arm rest of the couch. Perplexed, the husband asks what she was doing. The wife responds, "nothing, just heating up your dinner."
A man is driving his new mustang
home from work one day. He spots an incredibly obese man sitting on the curb next to a bicycle, breathing heavily. He stops and asks the man what's wrong. The man said that his doctor told him he needed to excersise and lose some weight. As he could barely run he decided to ride his bike. However, on his first day out he had ridden to far from home and couldn't make it back.
The man has time before he needs to be home so he says"I have a rope in my car I can pull you home. If I get going to fast ring this bell and I will slow down."
When they have only gone a little ways down the road a camaro pulls up next to the mustang. As camaros and mustangs are wont to do they race. A police officer spots them and radios to his partner "I've got a mustang racing a camaro" to which his partner replies alright I'll stop them." The first officer replies"its not them I'm worried about its the three hundred pound guy on a bike ringing a bell to get them to pull over so he can pass that has me concerned."
Did you hear the joke about the UPS guy?
So one day a UPS worker, Jim, gets an unusually large box to bring on his daily route. He checks the address, which was not in his assigned area. However, without thinking much of it, he starts driving there. As he pulls up to the curb he sees that the house looks deserted, with boarded up windows and a dead tree in the yard. Despite a little bit of superstitious fear, he manages to get the box to the door.
When he rings the doorbell, he hears a creaking from inside the house. When the door opens, there is no one there.
Timidly he says "H..hello? Is anyone there?"
Just as he finishes saying that a---
No, no, no, I can't say the punchline, I'm not very good at telling jokes.
This one is really all about the delivery.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Someone please explain this joke to me
In Season 2 of the show Louie, (about Louie c**...), he's walking around his apartment and he looks down and see's a homeless man. Suddenly, a black limo pulls up to the homeless man, pulls him in, then they drop a different homeless man on the curb to stand there for the same thing.
Can someone explain this to me?
The Taxi man.
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young boy is sitting on the curb...
A young boy is sitting on the curb smoking a cigarette. An older man walks by and notices this, concerned, so he goes over to the boy and asks, "How old are you?"
The boy responds, "8."
The man, who is now shocked, asks, "And you're smoking a cigarette?!"
The little boy says to the old man, "Yeah, but this is nothing. I had s**... when I was six!"
The old man, curious and appalled, doubting the boy asks "How was it?"
The little boy looks up at him and says, "I don't know, I was drunk."
Be careful what you ask for!
A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing
his kilt. As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in
a red convertible eyeing him and giggling.
One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn under the kilt?"
He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you SURE you want to know?"
Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did really want to know.
The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"
are you sure I'm drunk?
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."
The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."
Terrifying Story
A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something." Taxi driver says "Not your fault Sir. It's my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years".
This is how good my dog is, LOL.
I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don't chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.
The frightened taxi driver
Last week a passenger in a taxi heading for the Boston airport, leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was quiet in the cab.
Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, " I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly"
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault."
"Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
Drunk in a Taxi
So, a drunk climbs gracelessly into the back of a taxi and says "Drive."
As they pull from the curb, he leans forward and asks the driver, "Do you have room up front for a large pepperoni pizza and a six-pack of beer?"
The driver replies, "Sure!"
The drunk bends over the seat and says, "HHUURRRRGGHHHHHH!"
One day, two carrots were walking down the street...
They were the best of friends.
Just as they started to step off the curb, a car came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over.
The unhurt carrot called an ambulance and helped his friend as best he could.
He was rushed away and taken to the emergecy room at the hospital.
After many hours of agonized waiting, the doctor came out.
He slowly walked over to the distraught carrot and said "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through."
"The bad news is that for the rest of his life, he's going to be a vegetable."
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
Two potatoes were walking together down the street
They stepped off the curb and a speeding car came around the corner and ran one of them over. The uninjured potato called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able. The injured potato was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery. After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared.
"I have good news, and I have bad news," he told the uninjured potato, "The good news is that your friend is going to pull through." "The bad news... is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life"
A Globe was walking down the street.....
It saw Central America crying on the curb.
The Globe asked, "Why are you crying?"
Central America sobbed, "Because....I will never get any snow!"
The Globe retorted, "Well, NOT with THAT latitude!"
There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.
The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.
So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.
The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel. The squirrel says to the man says, See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?
A man is taking a taxi to the airport ...
when he realized he left his passport at home and must go back to get it. He reaches through the partition and gently taps the driver on his shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screams and losses control of the cab, jumping a curb, nearly hitting a tree and several pedestrians, finally coming to a stop inches away from a building.
For a moment the cab was silent until the passenger spoke up, "I'm sorry, I had no idea such a gentle tap would startle you so!".
"Oh no", replied the cabbie, "Its all my fault, this is my first day driving a cab, for the past 30 years I drove a hearse.".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after s**....
I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.
RIP Rodney.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lawyer parks his brand new BMW on the curb and opens the door as a car drives by and smashes through the door.
The lawyer quickly spots a police officer across the street and shouts: «Officer, officer, did you see what just happened? That car smashed off the door on my brand new BMW!» «Oh, my god,» replies the officer. «You lawyers are so materialistic. You stand there whining about your car and you haven't even noticed your left arm has been ripped off!». The lawyer goes: «What!? Where's my Rolex!?»
A blind person stopped at a crosswalk. When he couldn't hear any traffic, he asked if it was clear to walk. The man next to him said the only thing coming was a dog.
He stepped off the curb and was immediately hit by a greyhound bus.
A man was telling friends how first-aid classes had prepared him for an emergency.
I saw a woman hit by a car, he said. She had a broken arm, a twisted knee and a skull fracture.
How horrible! What did you do?
Thanks to my first-aid training I knew just how to handle it. I sat on the curb and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting.
I saw a boy eating the grass between the cracks in the curb
I went up to him and said "don't eat the grass, it's bad for you"
He looked at me and said "I haven't had any food for the last 3 days. This is all I can find"
I told him to get up and to come over to my place to get him a better meal
He stopped and said "well, my sister, she hasn't eaten in 3 days either"
I thought for a second and went, "hmm I don't know, I don't really have a very big lawn"
A man walks into a bar with a talking dog
He tells the bartender my dog can talk!
The bartender says Oh yeah? Let's hear him!
He asks the dog what is on top of a house?
The dog says roof!
The bartender is not buying it, so the guy says what is the outer covering of a tree called?
The dog says bark!
The bartender gets really mad and kicks the guy and his dog out of the bar.
Sitting on the curb, the dog turns to the guy and says what was that all about?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny was sitting on the curb
Shaking a bottle of turpentine. The local priest walking by, stopped and asked what he had in the bottle. Johnny said, this is the most powerful liquid in the world, turpentine. The priest said, the most powerful liquid in the world is holy water. A couple drops on a pregnant woman's belly, and she will pass a baby boy . Johnny said, That's nothing! A couple drops of this turpentine on a cat's a**..., it will pass a motorcycle.
A San Francisco cop sees a well dressed man lying in the street by the curb...
... He asked the man "What happened to you?"
The man replied "My wife and I were walking down the street and found a parking space. She went to buy a car while I hold the space."
