Curb Jokes

Following is our collection of suppress puns and street one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Curb jokes for adults, dirty snowplow jokes and clean bumper dad gags for kids.

The Best Curb Puns

are you sure I'm drunk?

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."

The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."

Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb

I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"?
He said, "Yes, what gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents."

My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.

I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.

RIP Rodney.

Terrifying Story

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something." Taxi driver says "Not your fault Sir. It's my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years".

I met a little boy today.

He was sitting on the curb, dressed in rags. He had his face in his hands and it looked like he was crying.


I felt kinda bad he was all alone, so I went and sat down beside him.


I said, "Are you an orphan, little guy?"


As he looked up, his eyes were still red and his cheeks still wet. He managed to crack a small smile.


"Yeah. What gave me away?"


I leaned in close and whispered,



"Your parents."


Two Cops were waiting outside of a bar at closing time......

.....waiting to pop drunk drivers.

A man comes out of the bar, and he is obviously in rough shape. He is weaving all over the place, and almost falls when he trips on a curb. He fumbles with his car keys for almost two minutes, dropping them several times before he finally unlocks his car. He gets in, starts the car, and drives off.

Needless to say, the cops follow him: for several miles. The man's driving was flawless, perfect and in accordance with all traffic laws.

Finally, they decide to pull him over anyway. They turn on their lights. He pulls over instantly. They ask him to step out of the car; he calmly complies. They check his license; it is valid, and clean. They give him several field sobriety tests, each harder than the last. He passes all with flying colors.

The two cops look at each other, then the man, and ask "Sir, you aren't drunk, are you?"

"No, I'm not," says the man.

"Then why were you acting drunk when you left the bar?"

"I'm tonight's DD."

"Designated Driver?"

"No, I'm the Designated Decoy. All of my drunk friends drove off the other way."

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

A duck was standing on the curb

Cars zoomed past the duck while he waited for a break in traffic. A chicken walked up to him and said "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."

Hey Girl, do you recycle?

Because I'd love to crush that box and leave you by the curb tomorrow morning.

Why can't women get close to the curb when they parallel park?

Because they're constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.

A poor couple...

A poor couple try their best to make ends meet. Times were hard, and there were days when the couple couldn't afford to eat. To curb their hunger, the couple would have sex.

One evening, the husband comes home from work and finds his wife humping the arm rest of the couch. Perplexed, the husband asks what she was doing. The wife responds, "nothing, just heating up your dinner."


At a rally today Donald Trump ordered the secret service to remove a crying baby.

They had him halfway to the curb before realizing the error.

Drunk in a Taxi

So, a drunk climbs gracelessly into the back of a taxi and says "Drive."

As they pull from the curb, he leans forward and asks the driver, "Do you have room up front for a large pepperoni pizza and a six-pack of beer?"

The driver replies, "Sure!"

The drunk bends over the seat and says, "HHUURRRRGGHHHHHH!"

A Globe was walking down the street.....

It saw Central America crying on the curb.
The Globe asked, "Why are you crying?"
Central America sobbed, "Because....I will never get any snow!"
The Globe retorted, "Well, NOT with THAT latitude!"

I was driving along the road and I saw a coffin on the curb with a sign that said "FREE"

I thought to myself, "this is the last thing I need."

My teacher told me to sit Indian style....

So I sat out on the curb with a bottle of whiskey.

A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" ...

... "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

Have any you ever tried to throw out a garbage can ?

I leave it on the curb everyday, and its always there when I get back from work.

I saw a man sitting on a curb looking down on his luck so I gave him a dollar

he gave it back and said " I'm not homeless, I'm married "


(2 for 1) A mushroom walks into a bar...

The bartender says Hey we don't serve your kind here,

Mushroom says why not? Im a fun guy

—-

A string walks into a bar

The bartender says Hey we don't serve your kind here,

The string goes out feeling dejected and sits on the curb. He absently ties a knot in his lower half before going back into the bar.

The bartender says Hey! Aren't you the guy that was just in here?

The string say I'm afraid not

A completely drunk man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?""Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."

A man went to the vet for advice to curb his racist dog that kept barking at his Asian neighbour.

"Muzzle him" the vet advised.

The man paused, and exclaimed, "could be, he does have a big beard"

Someone please explain this joke to me

In Season 2 of the show Louie, (about Louie CK), he's walking around his apartment and he looks down and see's a homeless man. Suddenly, a black limo pulls up to the homeless man, pulls him in, then they drop a different homeless man on the curb to stand there for the same thing.


Can someone explain this to me?

In a last ditch effort to curb over grazing, some ranchers have decided to drive their cattle up into the mountains.

Analysts say the steaks have never been higher.

Why did the driver run over the sidewalk?

He wanted to flatten the curb

This is how good my dog is, LOL.

I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don't chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.

A blind person stopped at a crosswalk. When he couldn't hear any traffic, he asked if it was clear to walk. The man next to him said the only thing coming was a dog.

He stepped off the curb and was immediately hit by a greyhound bus.

Most jokes are like old couches

You put them on the curb, but people keep using them.

How do you throw away a garbage can?

It's been sitting on my curb for three weeks now.

There is an abundance of pavement jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 29 funniest jokes and curb puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any roadside witze you can hear about curb.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes