Cur Jokes

What are some Cur jokes?

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...

...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He's explaining Facebook to old people.

My wife left me because I'm too insecure.

No wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

My wife left me because I'm insecure and paranoid.

My wife left me because I am insecure

No wait, she's back.
She just went to get coffee.

People say smoking will give you diseases.

What they don't know is that it cures salmon.

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl

And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.

'90s kids won't get this

Social security

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

Dear Satan...

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia

Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you

What they don't tell you is that it cures salmon

Smoking will kill you ...



Bacon will kill you...

But, smoking bacon will cure it.

I don't like people who take drugs...

For example: airport security.

My wife left me because I am too insecure.

Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.

If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember

there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

I hate people who take drugs

For example, border security.

Our President Elect is a real tough guy...

The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

When is the Bible accurate?

When it's thrown from a short distance.

Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office

Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office

Why are there no cats on Mars?

Curiosity.

I found a cure for my wife's insomnia...

All I have to do is express a desire to have sex with her and immediately she is too tired to do anything but sleep.

I can't believe no one has managed to come up with a cure for anorexia yet...

I thought it'd be a piece of cake...

My girlfriend left me because I'm too insecure...

Oh wait, she's back. She just went to the bathroom.

I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"

"To buy groceries," I told him.

"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."

He shrugged and paused.

"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many fuckin' security cameras."

So my Irish friend decided to tell his community he's an atheist...

One man in the crowd then yelled "Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"

(Wow this exploded. Front... *wow*. Gotta say, I like the (current) top comment's version more.)

My daughter told me I should treat her like a princess

So I married her off to a stranger in order to secure an alliance with the French.

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring

The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it every day.

I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was a sham rock.

are you sure I'm drunk?

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."

The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."

Whomever said laughter is the best medicine...

clearly hasn't tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb

I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"?
He said, "Yes, what gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents."

The government reveals their new logo today....

The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a condom.

I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while being screwed.

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

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