cup Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious cup puns

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.

The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?

The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says could you pass the honey, honey? The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says could you pass the sugar, sugar? The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?

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My wife left me because I'm too insecure.

No wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

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The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

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I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.

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A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.

"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.

"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

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I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.

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What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

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My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure.

No wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of tea.

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A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.

The man: Who would ever miss the World Cup final?

The guy: That was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.

The man: That's terrible, but couldn't you get another member of the family, friend, or someone else to come with you?

The guy: No…they are all at the funeral!

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During a job interview yestarday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I simply replied "No I always give 110%"

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After his team was eliminated from the World Cup,

The Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all expenses that fans of his country paid for to travel to Brazil.

According to sources close to the player, he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transactions.

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I just poured my root beer into a square cup.

Now all I have is beer...

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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.....

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.... "Why are you down here at this time of night!?"

The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met."

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses....... The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?"

"I remember that, too" she replied softly...

He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

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A man orders a coffee

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".

The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".

The bartender says "That would be $2.60".

"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he throws them on the ground.
The bartender doesn't want to get involved in a fight so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.


A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill.

The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge and when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change. The client throws 2 extra dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.

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I put root beer into a square cup.

All I have now is beer.

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RIP Starbucks

The man getting served in front of me at Starbucks asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas."

The guy was fuming.

"I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!" This is B.S. he raged.

"Fine! Just give me a darned latte!" He went and sat down, grumbling.

I went to the counter and said, "I'll have a large latte too, please." They asked me for my name. I asked why they needed it and they told me that they'd write it on my cup and shout it when it was ready. So I told them my name was Mocha.

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Nudist colony

Q- How can you tell the blind guy at a nudist colony?
A- It's not hard.

Q- Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A- The one carrying a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q- Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A- The one who can eat the last donut.

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I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet"

It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!

(England fan here using humour to cope with the pain...)

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During a job interview yesterday I poured myself some water

into a cup and it overflowed slightly.

"Nervous?" Said the interviewer.

"No" I said, "I always give 110%"

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A policeman pulls over a driver...

for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
I can't do that, officer.

Why not?

Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.

Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.

Can't do that either, officer.

Why not?

Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.

Alright, we could get a blood sample.

Can't do that either, officer.

Why not?

Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.

Fine then, just walk this white line.

Can't do that either, officer.

Why not?

Because I'm drunk.

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Jesus and the disciples are at the last supper...

Jesus holds up a piece of bread and says, "This is my body."

Then he holds up a cup of wine, saying," This is my blood."

Then he holds up a jar of mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."

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A cute little girls story

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe two and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says;
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'

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There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant...

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

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Victoria's Secret has launched a revolutionary new bra, "Croatia"

..it has lot's of support but no cup

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I applied to be a sperm donor and was asked by the nurse if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.

I said 'I'm good but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament yet'

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The Mafia leader tells his right-hand man to...

, "Go into the bathroom, jerk off and bring it out." Then he hands him a plastic cup. Unsure of what's going on, the right-hand man goes into the bathroom, jerks off into the plastic cup, and comes out. The Mafia leader says, "Good, good. Now do it again. Don't forget to bring it out." The Mafia leader hands him a new cup. So the guy goes back into the bathroom and does the same thing. He walks out with much less in the cup than the first time. The Mafia leader sees this and says, "Very good, very good. Do it one more time." He hands him a new cup and the guy goes back into the bathroom. He comes out and there's only a tiny drop in the cup. The Mafia leader now says, "Alright Steve, I want you to drive my daughter to Manhattan."

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Happy Hour

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender how much for a cup of coffee. The bartender replies: "Two cents."

The guy thinks it's a joke and asks: "Ok, how much for a beer?"

Bartender replies: "Two cents."

The guy gets angry: "And the steak dinner? How much?"

Bartender replies again: "Two cents."

The guy has had enough of the joke and says: "Can I speak to the manager?"

Bartender replies: "No, he's upstairs with my wife."

Guy: "What is he doing with your wife?"

Bartender: "The same thing I'm doing to his business."

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Game 7

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No, he says. They're all at the funeral."

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So i poured my root beer in a square cup

and now its just beer

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An Englishman walks into a bar...

There's usually a Scotsman, Irishman and Welshman too, but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.

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Jehovah's Witness

Sunday morning the weather was too bad to play golf. I was wondering around with nothing to do when i heard the door bell ring. I opened it to see a well dressed man standing there who said, "I'm a Jehovah's Witness, do you have a moment for Jesus Christ?"

With nothing else going on I said, "Come in and sit down."

We sat down, I offered him a cup of coffee and asked, "What would you like to talk about?"

The young man replied, "Beats the shit out of me, I've never gotten this far."

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White wedding dresses

Two old men were sitting in a restaurant having a cup of coffee when one of them looks at the other and asks, Why are wedding dresses always white? The other man thinks for a moment and says, Well, you know, I think it means the bride's love is pure.

The first old man does not seem convinced so when another old friend sits down, the man poses the same question to him, Say, do you know why wedding dresses are white? I'm not sure, the newcomer responds, but back in the day didn't all household appliances come in white?

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I poured my root beer into a square cup

Now I've just got beer.

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Riddle: A King has 3 cups in front of him. The first two cups are full, the third cup is empty. What is the King's name??

King Philip III

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A man opens the door for his moother-in-law

And declares, "Oh, long time, no see! This is a surprise. How long will you be staying with us, this time, then?"

The mother-in-law, trying to be polite, jokinly replies with a big grin, "Until you get sick of me."

"Oh, really? You won't even stay for a cup of coffee?"

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20 years

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'either you marry my daughter, or will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...... "I would have gotten out today."

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i hate when homeless people shaking their cup of coins at me

like yeah i know you have more money than me but you don't need to rub it in

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My sister made me some coffee today

Me: You make a mean cup of coffee, sis

Her: It was good?

Me: I just said it was average.

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I poured my root beer into a square cup

Now I just have beer

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A little boy comes downstairs in the middle of the night and asks for a cup of water.

Dad: OK, but that's the 730th one you've had tonight...

Boy: I know, but my room's still on fire

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Jehova

This morning someone was ringing the doorbell, so I opened the door and there was a young man standing there. "Hello sir" he said, "I'm a Jehova's Witness". I invited him in, offered him something to drink and we sat down in the living room. "So, what would you like to talk about?" I asked. He looked up from his cup of tea and said "To be honest sir, I havn't got the faintest idea, I never made it this far..."

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I was in the queue at Starbucks this morning.

The man getting served in front of me, asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas". The guy was fuming "I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!", he raged, "I'll just have to have a latte!". He went and sat down.

I went to the counter and said "I'll have a large latte too, please". They asked me for my name. I asked why they needed it and they told me that they'd write it on my cup and shout it when it was ready.

So I told them my name was Mocha.

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A man takes his seat at a FIFA World Cup Final

He looks to his left & notices that there is a spare seat betwen himself & the next guy.

MAN: "who would ever miss the FIFA world cup final?"

GUY: "that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."

MAN: "oh... that's terrible, and very sweet of you to have her here symbolically by having a vacant seat .. ..but these are expensive tickets; couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"

GUY: "No...they are all currently at her funeral!"



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FIFA FEVER

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Tea Set

One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me. I was maybe
2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Grandma came home.
My Grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because (as he put it) it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Grandma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grandpa, and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a Grandma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"

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Grandma Knows...

A cup of tea made with cold water.

One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of "tea,' which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Grandma came home.

My Grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Grandma waited and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grandpa, and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a Grandma would know), "Did it ever
occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the
toilet?"

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So I go to the doctor and the nurse says Sir, can you masturbate in the cup?

I replied Well I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete.

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Lemonade

A man stumbles upon a little girl's lemonade stand and asks, "How much for a glass?" "First one's twenty-five cents," she responds. He hands her the money, downs the lemonade, and asks for another. "The second cup is twenty-five dollars", she states. Confused, the man asks, "Why?"

"This one has the antidote."

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My wife left me because I'm too insecure.

No wait, she's back.
She just went to make a cup of coffee.

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A woman is out buying groceries...

She buys one apple, one banana, one small milk, a frozen meal for one and one cup of instant noodles. The cashier looks at her and says "So, I suppose you're single?" The woman looks away, blushing, and answers "Yes I am. How did you know?" The cashier replies "Because you are fucking ugly."

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A Mafia leader tells his right-hand man to......

, "Go into the bathroom, jerk off and bring it out." Then he hands him a plastic cup. Unsure of what's going on, the right-hand man goes into the bathroom, jerks off into the plastic cup, and comes out. The Mafia leader says, "Good, good. Now do it again. Don't forget to bring it out." The Mafia leader hands him a new cup. So the guy goes back into the bathroom and does the same thing. He walks out with much less in the cup than the first time. The Mafia leader sees this and says, "Very good, very good. Do it one more time." He hands him a new cup and the guy goes back into the bathroom. He comes out and there's only a tiny drop in the cup. The Mafia leader now says, "Alright Steve, I want you to drive my daughter to Manhattan."

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What's the first thing a cannibal does in the morning?

Grab a cup of joe.

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A man and his wife go to a class reunion.....

A man and his wife go to a class reunion after a grueling 4 hour drive. When they arrive they're given name tags and head to the gymnasium.


They start talking to some friends when the wife is starting to get thirsty. So she asks the husband to go get in line to give her some punch.


He returns after 10 minutes with one empty cup, and when the wife asks about her drink the husband replies,


"Sorry honey, the punchline was too long and it wasn't that good"

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I saw a homeless man aggressively shaking a cup of coins at me this morning

I get it. You have more money than me. No need to rub it in

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The first time I went to Starbucks..

The man getting served in front of me asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas."

The guy was fuming. "I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!" This is B.S. he raged. "Fine! Just give me a darned latte!" He went and sat down, grumbling.

I went to the counter and said, "I'll have a large latte too, please." They asked me for my name. I asked why they needed it and they told me that they'd write it on my cup and shout it when it was ready. So I told them my name was Mocha

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An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks

and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

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Someone stole my coffee cup from work today.

Just off down the police station now to look at a few mug shots.

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3 vampires walk into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a shot of hot blood.
15 minutes later, a second vampire walks in and does the same.
Not soon after, a third vampire walks in and orders a hot cup of water.
"Why the cup of water?" the other two asked.
He then pulled out a used tampon and said, "I'm making tea."

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Went to the sperm clinic earlier

The lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup?

I said 'I'm good but not ready for competition yet'

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A man is watching a world cup final in a sold out stadium

He notices an empty seat just in front of his and says to the guy sitting next to it, "Hey man, how come this seat here's empty? Tickets for this game havee been sold out for months!"

"Well, the seat was meant for my wife, but sadly, she passed away"

"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. But couldn't you get a friend or relative to come along instead?"

"Nah, they're all at the funeral."

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Voldemort is like a teenage girl.

He has a diary, a tiara, a special cup, a pet he adores, and an obsession with a famous teenage boy.

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At the last supper,

Jesus took bread in his hands and said, "This is my body. Eat this in remembrance of me."

Next, Jesus took up a cup of wine. He said, "This is my blood. Drink this in remembrance of me."

Finally, Jesus lifted up a jug of milk and said, "This is my-"

"You can go fuck yourself" said Peter.

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What did the girl with small boobs drink out of?

A Cup

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What do you call a sad cup of coffee?

Depresso

(Im bad at jokes)

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Heard this in Good Will Hunting...

So a plane is about to take off, and the first pilot does his typical announcements like "We'll be travelling at 35000 feet at a speed of...", you know, the whole routine. However, he forgets to turn off the speaker, so after the message, all the passengers hear him say to the co-pilot "You know what I'd really want now? A cup of coffee and a nice blowjob." So now, a stewardess is panicking and makes a run for the cockpit to make him turn it off. As she's running, one of the passengers say "Don't forget the coffee!"

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I once mistook somebody's drink for mine.

It was definitely not my cup of tea.

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I put my root beer in a square cup

Now it is just beer

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I was on this plane once...

Captain sets for take off and we are 35000 feet in the air, the captain then sets his mic down but forgets to turn it off.

The captain turns to the co-pilot and says "all I could use right now is a blow job and a cup of coffee".

The stewardess starts running from the back of the plane to tell the captain he still has his mic on.

A guy in the back of the plane screams out "hey hun, don't forget the coffee!".

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On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system

as usual to greet the passengers. He tells them their altitude, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather. He advises them to relax and have a good flight.
Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his copilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob."
All of the passengers hear it.
As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says, "Don't forget the coffee!"

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Clean Shave

An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, Aussie, for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

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A Twisted Tale

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his beautiful young wife pregnant.
So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.
The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.
The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried.
Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

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Mommywas out, and Daddy was in charge

Someone had given their 2 1/2 year old daughter a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of her favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, Mommy came home.

Daddy made her wait in the living room to watch her bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

Mom waited, and sure enough, here she came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

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Old man gets a shave at the barber

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.
The barber replied, Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does .

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The Toronto Maple Leaves

So a man is walking along and he finds a lamp. He runs the lamp, a genie pops out an says, "I will grant you one wish."

Man: "I wish I can live forever."

Genie: "I'm sorry but I can't grant that to you. Wish for anything else and it'll be my pleasure to grant it to you."

Man: "Fine. I wish I can live until the Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup."

Genie: "You son of a bitch."

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Three England fans on their way to the world cup fin a magic lamp..

Three England fans on their way to the world cup find a magic lamp on the road, the first one picks it up and a genie comes out!

"England fans?!" says the genie, puzzled at how they made it to the world cup.. "Well I guess you get one wish each like everyone else. What do you choose?"

The first England fan blurts out, "Rooney! I want Wayne Rooney to break his World Cup curse and finally score!"

"Done" says the genie.

The second England fan thinks for a second and says, "our captain, Stevie G, he usually under performs, I want to see him play for England like he did for Liverpool this season."

"Done" says the genie.

The third fan says, "Guys, you aren't thinking big enough! We have got a real chance here - I want England to play like Spain!!!"

"Done" says the genie, and vanishes.

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Another vampire joke.

3 vampires walk into a blood bar.

The 1st vampire looks at the bartender and says "I'll have your finest cup of blood, type O negative please." The bartender happily obliges.

The 2nd vampire then places his order. "One mug of AB positive, with extra plasma please!" The bartender once again happily obliges.

The 3rd vampire asks for a cup of boiling water. The bartender, perplexed, asks what he'll be needing a cup of hot water for. The 3rd vampire then pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea."

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3 vampires walk into a bar...

and of course everyone has to show off.

So the first one goes to the bartender: "Give me some Bloody Marry!" Receives his drink. Takes it all in at once. Feeling like a boss.

Second one goes: "Some Blood of a Monk for me!" Wish granted. Takes his shot. Feeling good!

Third one goes: "Bartender, can I have a cup of hot water, please?"

The other two vampires raise their eyebrows and give him a dirty look. He then proceeds to pull out a used tampon, and says: "Just feeling like some tea tonight."

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We can't let Germany get knocked out of the world cup...

Last time it happened was in 1938 and to say they took it badly is a bit of an understatement.

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Did you hear that some men can only get off by dangling their balls in boiling hot water?!?

Not my cup of tea, obviously...

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My friend said to me, "Whenever a World Cup game is on, let's eat something to do with that team for dinner that night."

Mexico was on, we had burritos.
Japan was on, we had sushi.
USA was on, we had burgers.
Italy was on, we had pizza.
Tuesday is England, so we're going out.

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Blonde woman calls her boyfriend....

"Sweetie, I'm doing this jigsaw puzzle and can't figure it out, would you come and help me?" she says.

Boyfriend comes over, and asks "What is the puzzle of?"

"A rooster", she replies miserably, gesturing towards the table, "But I can't even figure out where to start."

Boyfriend looks at the table, takes his girlfriend by the hand and says "OK, let's sit down and have a cup of tea, and then we can start putting the cornflakes back in the box."

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It's game 7 of the Stanley Cup

It's game 7 of the Stanley Cup, and a man who is a major hockey buff managed to score a ticket. Granted, it was in the worst seat possible, but he was still happy. As he's watching the game, he notices that a seat in the front row is vacant. He assumes someone is in the bathroom.
"I'd hate to pay that much for a ticket and spend the whole time taking a piss," thought the man. After 15 minutes, the seat is still empty. The man goes up to the front and sees an old man sitting in the seat next to it. "Excuse me, sir, is someone sitting here?" The old man replies "No, it was for my wife, but she's not with us anymore. We've been coming to the Stanley Cup together for 15 years, and this is my first one without her. Sit down if you'd like." The man is feels bad for the old man, but *he did* offer, so the man sits down. After a few minutes he says "Sir, sorry to bother you, but this is an amazing seat. Was there nobody you could've taken instead of your wife? A friend? A child?" The old man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

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Germany's failure in the World Cup wasn't that surprising

They have always struggled to progress in Russia.

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This homeless man was shaking his cup at me with some change in it.

Yeah i get it, you have more money than me. Quit it.

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A lady at a tea shop

A lady went to a tea shop and ordered a cup of tea, she has a sip, and realizes that it was amazing! She asks the owner of the place, "wow! Your tea tastes great! Why is it so good?"

The owner replies "thanks! It's my specialtea!"

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A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Monk

A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and a Buddhist Monk go golfing. After a few holes they decide to get down to business. They're trying to figure out how much of their money they should donate to the church. How much should they tell their members to give?


After much debate the Catholic Priest says, "let's draw a circle around the cup and throw all of our money in the air. Whatever lands inside the circle, we'll give that percentage to God. It is his will.

The Buddhist monk says, "I like that idea but why don't we donate everything that lands outside the box instead?"

The Rabbi looks at both of them and says, "Why don't we throw the money in the air and let God keep what he wants?"

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We give them a spoon, a cup and a bucket; and then ask ask them to empty the bathtub...

While I was being given a tour of a mental asylum, I asked the psychiatrist, How do you establish whether or not a person should be committed to your institution?

The doctor answered, We have a standard test. We fill up a bathtub with water, then give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket, and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.

I see, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's much bigger than the spoon or the cup.

No, said the doctor, a normal person would pull the drain plug. Would you like a bed near the window?

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What do you call a sick cup of coffe?

A coughy mug

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Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony?

The guy that can hold a cup of coffee in each hand and 6 donuts

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My favorite part of a marathon is...

My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.

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A man is attempting to donate sperm at a sperm bank...

... but he's having difficulty finishing, and so takes a while.

Eventually he manages, so he screws the lid on, and heads back into the reception to deposit the cup.

But by now a long line has formed with other men attempting to do the same thing - all the way to the door.

Furious, he marches up to the receptionist at the front of the line and says, "This is unacceptable - I can't wait this long, I have places to be! I need you to process my sample right now."

The receptionist turns to him and replies, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to go to the back of the line; we have a strict first-come first-served policy."

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The Soviet Union started to crack down on drinking while on the job...

The Soviet Union started to crack down on drinking while on the job. The Soviet official assigned to handle the problem entered one of the industrial plants where the problem was said to occur and asked a worker,

"Could you do your job if you drank a cup of vodka?"

"It would be a little difficult, but I suppose I could."

"Could you do your job if you drank two cups of vodka"

"I guess I could."

"Could you do your job if you had three cups of vodka?"

"Well, I'm here, aren't I!?"

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What's the loneliest drink?

I dunno but its in a solo cup.

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Best vampire joke ever, no really!

2 vampires are sitting at a bar when the bartender asks the first "what'll be?"

To which the vampire replies "ahh, make it a bloody Mary, and double up on the Mary."

The bartender then turns and asks the second vampire, "What I can do for you?"

The second vampire replies, "I'll just have a cup of hot water"

Both the bartender and the first vampire look at him quizzically, "why do you want hot water?"

He then pulls a used tampon out of his pocket, "oh! I making tea."

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Two men!

Two men bump each other unconsciously at the supermarket and one of them says:

I'm sorry, I didn't notice you there because I can't find my wife

Oh, really? I'm searching for my wife as well!

Oh, tell me how does your wife looks like to see if I can help you out

Well, she is 1.80m, blonde, slim, angelic face, D cup breasts. What about your wife?

Forget about mine, let's search for your wife

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Instructions for cleaning the toilet

**Instructions for cleaning the toilet:**

1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.

2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.

3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.

4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will produce generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying herself.

5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the Power-wash pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.

6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.

7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed she will be moving from the toilet to the front door.

8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.

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Chocolate mousse isn't my cup of tea...

I find it off pudding.

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Ticket Please!

A group 3 Pakistanis and a group 3 Indians were all heading to the Cricket World cup via Train. Upon entering the train the Indian group saw the Pakistanis just pay for a single while they bought 3 individual tickets.
When the conductor came along the Indians saw that all 3 Pakistanis quickly filed in to the bathroom. The conductor knocked on the door and asked for the ticket. A single hand came out and handed him the ticket. Observing this the Indians decided to try it on their return trip.
On the return trip the Indians bought a single ticket and the same group of Pakistanis bought no ticket at all! When the conductor came along the 3 Pakistanis filed into one bathroom while the 3 Indians filed into another.
Then one Pakistani came out of the bathroom knocked on the door of the Indians bathroom and asked, "Ticket please!"

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World Cup

A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.

The man: Who would ever miss the World Cup final?

The guy: That was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.

The man: That's terrible, but couldn't you get another member of the family, friend, or someone else to come with you?

The guy: No…they are all at the funeral

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After someone pointed it out to her, my mother asked me to explain the difference between the District of Columbia and the country Colombia.

So explained to her that one of them is famous for it's drugs, corruption and blatant criminal activity, while the other historicly lost to England on penalties in this years world cup.

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The Confession

A man's talking to his priest and says "Father, I don't know what to do. Suddenly, all of these beautiful women want to have sex with me. I try to be good, but I have to confess, I'm weak. I slept with five women in the last three days."
The priest says, "Go home, squeeze five lemons into a cup, and drink it really fast."
The man asks, "Will that absolve me of all my sins?"
"No," the priest says.
"Will it help me resist temptation?"
"No."
"Then why..."
"It'll get that stupid smug grin off your face."

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Best One Liner of the World Cup So Far...

Let's face it... That's not the first time Germany has gone into Russia unprepared...

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Why do India never qualify for the world cup?

Because whenever they get a corner they open a shop.

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What's the difference between England and a tea bag?

...A tea bag stays in the cup longer!


#FIFAWORLDCUPBRAZIL

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Rodeo sex

2 cowboys talking about sex.

1 cowboy says "I like the rodeo position!"

"I haven't heard of that" says the other cowboy, "what is it?"

"Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper "these feel just like your sisters" and try and hold on for 8 seconds!"

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What do you call an Englishman in the World Cup final?

The referee

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I'd be very scared if I swallowed a cup of cement

I'd be shittin' bricks

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Airline pilot...

An airline pilot makes the usual announcements over the cabin PA system as the plane reaches cruising altitude. He then sets the plane on autopilot and turns to the co-pilot and jokes- All I need now is a cup of coffee and a blow job.

Unbeknownst to the captain, the mic is still active and everybody can hear what the captain is saying.

Suddenly, an alert flight attendant bolts toward the cockpit to tell the pilot his mic is stuck.

As she's nearing the door, an old timer stands up and shouts- Stop! You forgot his coffee!

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Loving Husband!

A man takes his seat at a FIFA World Cup Final.
He looks to his left & notices that there is a spare seat betwen himself & the next guy.
MAN: Who would ever miss the FIFA world cup final?
GUY: That was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.
MAN: Oh… that's terrible, and very sweet of you to have her here symbolically by having a vacant seat. But these are expensive tickets; couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?
GUY: No…they are all currently at her funeral!

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One for $1, three for $4

A man is walking up to a coffee stand to get his daily cup of coffee for $1, when he notices their new special where you can buy three cups for $4.

I'd like a cup of coffee, said the man, handing in a dollar bill.

He realizes he can cheat the system by buying two more cups of coffee, and saving a dollar. I'd like two more cups, please, he said, handing in another $2.

Afterward, he asks the guy in the stand, Why are you selling three cups of coffee for $4 when you could buy three separate cups for $3?

To which the stand dude replied, you could've just bought one cup like you do every day.

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A deaf couple discussed "signals" for when either wants sex in the dark

The couple layed down the signals for when either wants to have sex when they were in bed with the lights off.
The wife signs to the husband "If you want to have sex, cup my left breast, but if you don't want sex, just hug me around the middle"

The husband then signs "If you want to have sex, just tug once on my penis, but if you don't want to have sex, just tug on my penis 100 times"

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A little 3-year-old girl

was playing with her miniature tea set. Her father was in the living room and her mother was out shopping. The little girl came out to the living room and offered her father a cup of tea, which was in fact just water. He thought this was really cute, so she did it several more times. When the mother came home, the father had the mother stop and watch the little tea ritual, as her daughter brought the father another cup of tea (water) and he drank it. The mother said, Very nice. But has it occurred to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

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Sex with my wife is like the England World Cup squad

neither of us know why we're there or what we're doing, there's little passion or communication and we rarely even make it past the first stage.
It's often accompanied by lots of unnecessary noise, horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet.
It's always over far too quickly and when it does end we know it'll be at least another 4 years before it happens again.

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The Old Cowboy's Shave

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.

The barber replied, Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does .

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Did you hear about Marvel wanting to buy the NHL?

They want to rename the championship trophy, The Stan Lee Cup

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Three vampires walk into a bar...

The first vampire walks up to the bar and the bar man asks what he can get him.

Vampire 1 responds "A nice warm cup of blood"

Bartender says "coming right up"

Vampire 2 pipes up and says "make mine cold!"

After the bartender hands the second vampire his drink he turns to the third vampire.

The bartender asks " let me guess, you want a cup of blood as well?"

Vampire 3 sits down and says "actually may I get a glass of hot water?"

Bartender is in shock and asks "hot water? But why?"

Vampire 3 takes a used tampon out of his coat pocket and responds

"I'm having tea"

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I was walking downtown, and I passed this homeless man who started shaking his cup of change at me

and I was like, okay, dick, I get it, you have more money than me, don't rub it in.

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What's the difference between England and tea?

Tea stays longer in a cup

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Went to give a sperm sample the other day the nurse asked if I would like to masturbate in the cup

I said thanks but I don't think I'm ready for a competition yet

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During a job interview yesterday, I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly.

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer.


"No," I said. "I always give 110%"

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A British man takes a sip of his coffee.

And says, This not my cup of tea.

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Vodka Christmas Cake recipe

Once again this year, I've had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes.
Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!)

1 cup sugar

1 tsp. baking powder

1 cup water

1 tsp. salt

1 cup brown sugar

Lemon juice

4 large eggs

Nuts

2 cups dried fruit

1 bottle Vodka


Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now shit shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the cat.

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What does a Maple leaf fan do when they win the cup?

Turn off their console and go to sleep.

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My wife left me because I'm too insecure.

No wait, she's back.

She was just getting a cup of tea

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What's the difference between a tea bag and England?

A tea bag stays longer in a cup.

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A student visits his teacher man early in the morning

And sits on in a chair. The teacher man looks up and offers the pupil a cup of coffee.

"Sure, I'll take a mug of joe," says the student.

The teacher pours a cup, and gives it to the kid. The student takes a sip, and nearly gags.

"The is terrible! Seriously! What is this, mud??"

"Well," the professor replies, "it was ground just this morning."

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I was on an airplane

and the Captain was doing his usual spiel, "We're cruising at so and so feet, over the Pacific Ocean, yada yada".

When he was finished, he turned to speak to his co-pilot, forgetting that he was still broadcasting to the entire plane, saying, "You know what I could use right now? A cup of coffee and a good blowjob."

Mortified, a stewardess ran toward the cockpit to inform him that the intercom was still on.

Seeing her hurrying down the aisle, a passenger shouted, "Don't forget the coffee!"


Saw this in the movie Good Will Hunting, tried to remember how it went best I could :)

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A kindergarden class is having a tasting activity.

A kindergarden class is having a tasting activity.

The teacher blindfolds all of the kids and tells them she is going to give them something to taste and they have to try and guess what it is.

She hands each of them a cup of grape juice and they all agree that it tastes like grape.

Next, she hands them a cup of whipped cream, and again, they all guess correctly.

For the last one, she hands them a cup of honey and says,"ok kids, this one is little harder, so ill give you a hint. It's something your mommy sometimes calls your daddy!"

They ponder the flavor in their mouth for a bit when suddenly one kid screams, "SPIT IT OUT, IT'S AN ASSHOLE!"

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Fact: In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine.

Fortunately, my wi-fi came back on just as I was filling the cup.

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Poor elderly couple in fastfood restaurant

A Poor elderly couple walk into a fastfood restaurant and order one value meal. They quietly go to their table And the man gets a knife and cut the hamburger in half, gets a plastic cup, And proceed to equally divide the drink that came with the menu drop by drop. He then divide the fry's one by one so they both get exactly the same amount.

Another costumer noticed this and gets to the couple: "It seems you can't afford to get a meal for both. I be happy to buy you an additional meal". The man replies: "No its OK. we are used to sharing. We share everything since we are together.", and the costumer go back to his table but still observe the couple.

He sees how the man drinks half of their drink.
He sees how the man eats his part of the fry's
and he sees how the man eat his half of the hamburger, he noticed his wife haven't eat a single bite.

He goes back to the couple and ask the wife:"Well what are you waiting for?",

The wife replied:"the teeth"

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Cold stew

A man walks into a diner, he see the special of the day, is cold stew and asks the waitress for a bowl of it. The waitress says "Sorry the guy at the next table just got the last bowl."
"Thats fine" he replies "Ill just have a cup of coffee" as he sits drinking the coffee he notices the guy at the next table eating a sandwich drinking a coffee but not touching the stew. He leans in and asks "are you going to eat that?"
"No, no, you can go ahead." the man says. He takes the stew and starts eatting, not great, but not terrible, and its free. About half way through the bowl he comes across a dead rat at the bottom of the bowl, he up and vomits back into the bowl. The guy at the next table leans over and says "Yea, thats how far I made it."

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I don't really like coffee

It's just not my cup of tea

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Speciman cup

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. He went to the doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. I tried with my left hand... nothing. So my wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth... nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth... still nothing. The doctor replied, "Wait a minute, did you say your wife's friend too?!" The elderly man answered, "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup."

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The pilot gets ready for the flight

"Alright everyone, we will be taking off in a minute, please remain seated.", he says.
After taking off, the pilot forgot the microphone on.
"Know what I want now?", says the co-pilot, "a cup of coffee and a woman to suck my dick".
Noticing the problem with the mic, one of the attendants bolts off to warn them.
While she ran, someone on the back seats yells "Don't forget the coffee!"

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Giving up golf

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf everyday since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went." His wife sympathises with him and makes a cup of tea.

As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try?"

"That's no good," sighs Arthur, "your brother is 103, he can't help."

"He may be 103, but his eyesight is perfect." says the wife.

So the next day Arthur heads of to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did, " replied the brother-in-law, "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asked Arthur.

His brother-in-law looks at him for a full minute and says, "I can't remember!"

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A toothbrush salesman at the mall

A toothbrush salesman is tasked with selling his product at the mall.
So he sets up a small kiosk by the escalator with a bag of chips and cup of dip.
A man and his wife walk up and the wife eats a chip and remarks about how good it is.
The salesman says "you really must try the dip"
And so the husband takes a scoop of dip on the chip and eats it.
"Oh god! This dip tastes like shit!"
The salesman quickly replies "it is shit! Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

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His cup doth runneth over

Some people think the cup is half full, some think the cup is half empty, I think the cup is an important piece of sporting equipment that doesn't need to have its content measured

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A World Cup joke.

A man takes his seat at the FIFA World Cup final.

He looks to his left and notices that there is an empty seat between himself and the next guy.

Man:"Who would ever miss the World cup final?"

Guy:"That was my wife's seat. We've been to the last five World Cup finals together. But sadly she passed away."

Man:"I'm so sorry..and it's very sweet of you to have her here symbolically by having a vacant seat. But these are expensive tickets; couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"

Guy:"No... they're all at her funeral."

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A man is on a plane...

A man is on a plane when the pilot announces that the plane will be cruising at 35000 feet but forgets to turn the mic off. He turns to the co-pilot and says

"You know I could really go for a blowjob and a cup of coffee."

One of the stewardess's comes rushing up up to the cabin to tell the pilot to turn the mic off when a passenger yells;

"Hey honey, don't forget the coffee!"

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Two vampires walk into a bar

Two vampires sit down at a bar. The first vampire orders a glass of blood but the second one just asks for a cup of hot water.

The first vampire is surprised by this and remarks "Just water? Are you feeling alright?"

The second vampire waves him off and pulls a dripping tampon from his coat pocket "Yes yes I'm just in the mood for some tea!"

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A journalist visits a mental hospital

A journalist visits a mental hospital for reporting and asks the doctor, how do you determine if a patient is mentally ill.

DOCTOR: Well, we first fill a bathtub with water till the top. We then give a teaspoon, a glass cup and a bucket to the patient and ask him/her to empty the bathtub.

JOURNALIST: Obviously a normal person would use the BUCKET because it's bigger.

DOCTOR: No, you're silly! A normal person would pull the DRAIN PLUG! Nurse, admit this in Ward 7!!!

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Three vampires walk into a vampiric bar...

... they all sit down at the bar and the first vampire says, " I'll take a shot of O-", the bartender gives him his shot

"I'll take a cup of AB+ please" says the second vampire, the bartender gives him his blood and turns to the third vampire

"what do ya want?" asks the bartender

"can I get a cup of hot water?" says the third vampire. The bartender gives him a confused look but gets him his hot water and sets it infront of him

"what are ya gonna do with the water" asks the bartender.

The third vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea"

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Another Jehova's Witness joke

A jehovah's witness knocks on a on a door and a man answers the door.
The jehovah's witness tells the man, "I'm from Jehovah's Witness and I have some stories I would like to share with you.

The man replies, "Sure, come on in. Have a seat on the couch. I just made some coffee would you like a cup?"

The Jehovah's Witness agrees to the coffee and they both sit down on the couch. The man says "So what are these stories you would like to share with me?

The Jehovah's Witness answers "I have no idea. No one has ever gotten this far!"

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A man goes to an asylum and asks

How do you admit your patients? The psychiatrist says Well, we fill a bathtub full of water then give them a spoon, a cup and a bucket then we tell them to empty the bathtub . The man replies I see, so the sane person would take the bucket , and the psychiatrist replies No, the sane person will pull the drain plug. Would you like your room to have a balcony sir?

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One day an auto mechanic was working under a car...

and some brake fluid accidentally dripped into his mouth.

"Wow," he thought to himself. "That stuff tastes good!"

The next day he told a friend about his amazing discovery.

"It's really good," he said. "I think I'll have a little more today."

His friend was concerned but didn't say anything. The next day the mechanic told his friend he'd drunk an entire cup full of the brake fluid.

"It's great stuff!"

A few days later he was up to a bottle a day. And now his friend was really worried.

"Don't you know brake fluid is toxic? It's very bad for you," said the friend. "You'd better stop drinking it."

"Hey, no problem," he said. "I can stop any time."

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What's the difference between a cup and a mug?

being cupped is far more pleasurable than being mugged

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"Can i have a cup of coffee please?"

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks Can I help you sir?". The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?". The bartender sais "That would be $2.60". "Alright, i'll have one." sais the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he throws them on the ground.

The bartender doesn't want to get involved in a fight so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.

A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill. The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge and when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change. The client throws 2 extra dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.

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Comedian Lee Nelson threw money at Sepp Blatter at a FIFA conference as a protest.

It backfired as he now has to host the 2026 World Cup in his back garden.

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Dolly Parton and Princess Diana are at the pearly gates of Heaven...

St Peter, standing guard, asks them to share their contributions with him. Dolly Parton lifts her shirt and shows him her boobs. Then Princess Diana takes a cup, pees in it, and hands it to St Peter. St Peter asks them to hold on for a moment and then walks away. When he returns, he lets Princess Diana in but refuses entry to Dolly Parton. Dolly Parton is shocked and asks why she can't come in. St Peter replies, "Sorry, but a royal flush beats a pair."

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My Son's #1 Concern

When my three-year-old was told 
to pee in a cup at the doctor's office, he unexpectedly got nervous. With 
a shaking voice, he asked, Do I have to drink it?

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What are the best Cup puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Cup? Well, here are the best jokes about Cup to have fun with.

Joko Jokes