Cunt Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline.

A kid answered, called me a cunt then hung up.

Man, I still remember my grandpa's last words...

"Stop playing with that shotgun you little fucking cunt."

I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.
"Fuck off" he shouted back.
"What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

Many surnames can tell you what a person is

* Smith is a blacksmith
* Draper is a cloth merchant
* Archer is a bowman
* Pai is a cunt.

Two female police dog handlers are walking their dogs

One says to the other, "I left my panties at the police station." The other says, "Let the dog have a whiff of your cunt and he'll go and fetch them."

Fifteen minutes later, the dog returns with her panties, her baton, a broomhandle and two of the inspector's fingers.

My 4yr old was struggling to open his yoghurt, today.

When he suddenly mumbled, "Fucking shitty lid!". My wife immediately looked at me and said, "I wonder where he's got that from?". I said, "The fucking fridge, you silly cunt."

I saw my midget neighbour on my way home today .

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

Son: "What's that Daddy?" (*pointing at Mummy getting out of the shower*)...

Daddy: "That's where mummy was hit by an axe, that's her axe wound."

Son: "Wow, bloody good shot, got her right in the cunt."

What's 12 inches long and snaps a cunt?

A selfie stick

NSFW What word starts with a 'C' and then ends with 'U-N-T'?

"Count"




you dumb cunt.

My wife reckons that recently I have become an awkward, arrogant cunt, and she just can't understand me.



Seems like my French classes are going really well.

A mother is scolding her son

\- Your teacher called me today. He told me you said the c word in class. Is that true?

\- Yes, mom.

\- That wasn't clever now, was it?

\- Nah mom, it was cunt.

A little boy is trying to peel the lid off his tub of yoghurt..

He gets frustrated and yells "fuckin' lid!".

His mother turns to his father and says "where do you think he got that from?"

The father says "the fuckin' fridge you dumb cunt".

Whats the difference between sex and US Presidental elections?

In sex,the decision to choose the cunt or the asshole is a pleasure

I don't see what's so offensive about calling someone from Pakistan a Paki...

It's like calling someone from Scotland a Scot, an Australian an Aussie or someone from France a cunt

Well... That's Australians for you

My 4-year-old was struggling to open his yoghurt today when he suddenly mumbled "Fucking shitty lid!"
My wife immediately looked at me and angrily said "I wonder where he's got that from??"
I said, "The fridge, you silly cunt."

A 3-year-old is watching his mum get changed...

As she drops her knickers, he points at her crotch and asks: "Mum, what is that?!"

Panicking, the mother quips "Oh, that's... that's where god hit me with an axe..."

"Phwoar" Says the boy... "Right in the cunt!"

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words

"Stop shaking the ladder, you little cunt!"

My friend called me a cunt because i always buy him socks for Xmas

I said, " You bastard, its the thought that counts".

I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs

Do you know why God invented yeast infections?

So women could know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt too.

2 Dirty Jokes as told to me by a homeless guy.

If a guy with a foot fetish cheats on his wife, would you say *he got off on the wrong foot?*

**and** (no offense meant to all the women out there, I swear!)

You know why god invented the yeast infection? So that women would also know what it's like to live with a miserable cunt!

A little vulgar, I know. But it was worth the buck I gave him!

A man is queuing at the five items or less checkout.

A man is queuing at the five items or less checkout. The girl in front of him turns around and looks at his basket. He has a four pack of Heineken and an Indian meal for one. She smiles at him. He looks in her basket and sees a small bottle of wine and a Chinese meal for one. He says to her "You're single aren't you?" She gives a girly giggle and says "yes, how did you know?" The man replies "cause you're an ugly cunt".

I became a proud dad today

My son is actually four but he was a boring little cunt for the first three years.

My wife was dying..

I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice "there's something i must confess."
"Sshh" i said. "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."
"No. I must die in peace. I fucked your Brother, your best friend, his best friend and your Dad!"
"I know." I whispered. "That's why i poisoned you, you cunt. Now shutup and fucking die!"

I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop today...

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home," I said.

"F*ck you!" he shouted back.

"What an ungrateful little cunt," I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

I saw my dwarf neighbour at a bus stop

Jump in, I'll give you a lift home I said.
Fuck off he shouted back.
What an ungrateful little cunt I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

Took my wife to the doctor today, to try and get her tourettes sorted

Turns out that she doesn't have it, and I am actually a cunt and she wants me to fuck off

Son your teacher tells me you said the 'C' word in class today.

That wasn't clever was it?

No, it was cunt..

Dad called me a cunt

I always buy him socks for Xmas. I said, "you bastard, it's the thought that counts." I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs

I'll never forget my uncle's last words.

"Quit shaking the ladder you little cunt!"

Little Johnny walks into the bathroom and sees his mom in the tub...

He points at her crotch and exclaims, "What's that!?"

She quickly says, "Oh that's where daddy hit me with the axe."

Johnny replies, "Pretty good shot, he got you right in the cunt."

I will never forget my grandpas last words.

"Stop shaking the ladder you cunt!"

[NSFW] Billy Connolly's c**t joke.

Two guys talking:

"You know, I've been thinking about you a lot lately and you're a cunt. You've always been a cunt and in all likelihood you always will be a cunt. As a matter of fact, if they were giving a prize for World's Biggest Cunt, you'd probably come second."

"Second? Why wouldn't I come first?"

"Because you're a cunt."

Kids are so ungrateful these days.

I got my 11 year old nephew a trampoline for his birthday, and instead of thanking me, the little cunt just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

What's the difference between a cunt and an asshole?

According to the latest polls, about 4%.

An old bloke has just got out of a time machine...

... and forced me to suck his cock, I felt degraded and humiliated.

When I get older, I am going to build a time machine, go back in time, find this cunt when he's younger, and force him to suck my cock.

I saw my dwarf neighbor at the bus stop

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.
"Fuck off!" He shouted back.
"What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued to walk.

After weeks of abuse from my parents I finally decided to call the Child Abuse Hotline

A kid answered, called me a fat cunt, and told me to fuck off.

Why did God give women yeast infections?

That way they know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt.

(fairly gosh darn NSFW) Yeah, so, I'm a necrophiliac, right...

.....I *had* a girlfriend, but the rotten cunt split on me.

My girlfriend's Aunt Flo is in town.

I really hate that bloody cunt.

Two girls are moving into their college dorm... Nsfw

and their mothers are helping them. One girl is from a small town in the south, the other is from an uppity suburb just outside Pretentiousville.

Southern mom: Being cordial, "Where y'all from?"

Pretentiousville mom: "We're from a place where people know not to end a sentence with a preposition."

Southern mom: "Oh, my apologies." Correcting herself, "Where y'all from, cunt?"

Some guy walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and fries, please."

"Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"
"Fuck off you cunt," he snapped, before walking off with his food.


I love working in the prison canteen.

During one of our lessons, I asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

"My Dad runs the fire station. He's the station officer," said Simon.
"Very good, Simon. Anyone else?"
"My Dad runs the local prison," piped up Billy.
"Excellent, Billy. Is he the prison governor?" I asked.
"No, sir, he's just the hardest cunt in there."

Then why did he ask?

A little boy is in the showering with his mother when he looks up and says "Mommy... what's that?"

The mother, wanting to satisfy his curiosity but not wanting to say too much, replied "That, my child, is where god struck me with the golden axe".

He looks at it, looks at her, shrugs his shoulders and says

"Nice shot. Right in the cunt."

Il never forget my grandfathers final words.

"Stop shaking the ladder you cunt"

Grandad what's a cunt?

One day little Johnny goes up to his grandad and asks, "Grandad, what's a cunt?"
The grandad looks at him for a while then goes and gets one of his old porno mags. He flips it open, pages through and leaves it open on a picture of a naked woman posing.
"You see those two stars up there on top and that little black bar down below Johnny?"
"Yes."
"Well the person who put them there is a cunt."

I was in a London pub last Friday night

...and noticed two chubby women by the bar. They had very strong accents, so I asked,

"Are you two ladies from Scotland?" One of them turned to me and yelled,

"It's WALES you cunt!" I said,

"oh, I'm sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

Never say anything bad about a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.




By then he's a mile away, you have got his shoes, and your can fucking say whatever you want about the cunt.

I never forgot the last words grampa said to me

"Stop shaking the ladder you stupid cunt!"

I asked my girlfriend to shave her cunt.

I woke up the next morning bald.

A boy in a kitchen is struggling to open a yogurt

"Godamn-shit-fuck!" the boy says in his frustration.
"I wonder where he got that from?" the mother says to the father.
"Probably from the fridge, you silly cunt" the father replies.

My Mother said there is one word you should never call a lady.

The silly cunt never said what it was though.

My cocky friend told me the other day that he gets a boner when he sees himself in the mirror..

I let him know that his dick thinks he's a cunt too.

What does a dildo and a selfie stick have in common?

There is always a cunt on the other end

Contagious.

Teacher: Can someone use the word Contagious in a sentence?

*Student raises hand* "I can"
My dad said he saw my neighbour painting his house with a three-inch brush. Said its gonna take the cunt ages.

Little Johnny sees Mom in the shower

Little Johnny sees Mom in the shower... he asks, "Mom, what's that slit between your legs?".

Feeling a little flustered, she replies "Oh, oh..uh, that's where your father accidentally hit me with an axe!"

"Good shot", says Johnny. "Right in the cunt".

The caretaker told me this one

A little boy asks his father one day "dad, what's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?" The dad takes him to the bedroom where the mom is asleep, pulls her pants down and says "that son, is a pussy" The son asks "can I touch it?" The dad replies "No, you might wake up the cunt"

3 Foot Condom

A Dwarf goes into a chemist and asks if the 3 foot display condom was for sale?

The owners says "Yes but its not cheap, i'd want £500 for it."

"I'll take it" says the dwarf.

After paying for it the dwarf pulls it over head and down to his shoes and asks the shop owner what he thinks he looks like?

The owner replies "to be honest you look like a massive cock."

"Excellent." replies the dwarf, "i'm pissed off with being called a little cunt."

Nun Vs. Vampire

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our fucking car you stupid cunt."

Did somebody say limerick? (NSFW)

There once was a man from Bombay

Who fashioned a cunt out of clay

But the heat of his prick

Turned it into a brick

And it chafed all his foreskin away.

________________________



(Can't take credit for that - I read it in a John Irving novel. *The Cider House Rules*, I believe.)

A husband and wife are fighting. The wife says "You've got the smallest penis I've ever seen!"

The husband shoots back "Then we're a perfect fit for each other, cause you're a shallow cunt!"

A young boy asks his dad.....

Dad I hear boys talking at school,

and I want to know, what's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?

Dad takes him to see his mother who is still asleep, he gently pulls the covers back to reveal her naked lower half and says:

that son is a pussy, the boy reaches out,

No son! you mustn't touch it......

you'll wake the cunt up.

Apparently, my daughter's boyfriend poured Vodka on her vagina.

Absolut cunt.

A little boy watches his mother as she dries off after a bath.

He points at her crotch and asks, "What's that?" The mother smirks and says, "That's where your dad hit me with an axe." The boy replies, "Got you right in the cunt, didn't he?"

Do you want to see magic trick?

Go up to your wife and call her a fucking cunt and she instantly becomes one.

Little Johnny sees his mum in the bath...

He points between her legs and asks, "What is that, mummy?" His mum replies, "Johnny, that is where the crazy man hit me with an ax." Johnny replies, "Fucking good shot! He got you right in the cunt!"

What has four legs and a cunt halfway up its back?

A police horse

Last night I took the bus home when a midget came and sat next to me...

After a few minutes the bus stopped rather fast and he slid off his seat. I quickly grabbed him by the arm and put him back on his seat. A little while later, he slid off his seat, again. I was able to grab him quickly and help him back to his seat once more. So we move along and AGAIN he goes sliding off his seat. This time I grabbed him and said

"Jesus! Are you going to keep sliding off your goddam seat?" to which he replied

"Fuck off you silly cunt- I've been trying to get off at the last 3 stops and you won't let me!"

So me and my wife have just had a baby and all we have done is argue about what to call it.

She wants it to be named after her mother, but I just don't feel comfortable having a child called Cunt.

A young son walks in on his mom in the bath

Looking at her vagina, he asks "mom, what is that?"

To protect his youthful innocence, she replies "that's where I was hit with an axe sweetie"

The son replies "Oh god, right on your cunt!"

Little Timmy hears his parents arguing...

Little Timmy hears his parents arguing...
Mom: You bastard! Your dick is too small!
Dad: Oh yeah bitch? Well your cunt is too hairy!
*Never hearing these words before he asks them what they mean.
Mom: Oh, well, sometimes adults call each other bitches and bastards... and dick and cunt is what we nicknamed our coats...
*Satisfied with these answers he leaves. The next day was Thanksgiving.
*He goes upstairs and his dad cuts himself while shaving
Dad:Shit!
Timmy: Daddy what does shit mean?
Dad: uh... It's the brand of shaving creme I'm using... go downstairs.
*Goes downstairs and his mom burns herself from the turkey
Mom:Fuck!
Timmy:Mommy what does fuck mean?
Mom:um... It's the kind of stuffing I'm using
*The guests arrive and determined to put his new vocabulary to use, he says...
Timmy: Okay all you bitches and bastards, you can hang your dicks and cunts in the closet. My dad is putting shit on his face and my mom is fucking the turkey.

A young boy walks into his mothers room when she's changing...

and he sees her naked. "Mommy, whats that between your legs?"



"uhh... well god hit mommy with a little axe and left a little axe wound" she replies nervously.

.

.

"wow," replies the little boy, "it's a shame he hit you right in the cunt"

Johnny was called out by his teacher

to use the word contagious in a sentence. Standing up at his desk he paused and finally said, "my Dad was standing at the front window of the house watching my Mom shovel the snow and said ""it'll take that cunt ages to shovel the driveway"".

I became a proud dad today!

Well my son is 4.. But he was a boring little cunt for the first 3 years.

So I got into an argument with my girlfriend about her drinking problem...

I said to her, "You know babe, drinking really brings out the..."

She interrupts and slowly slurs, "con..tin..ue"

I quickly replied, "Well, I wasn't going to word it like that But yes, it does bring out the cunt in you."

Christmas isn't fair

You save all year to buy the kids their presents for Christmas and when you come downstairs on Christmas morning some fat cunt with a beard gets all the credit.



Mind you it was probably my fault for marrying her!

I was out shopping the other day and I really needed the toilet

I sat down and a guy in the cubicle next to me said;

"Alright mate"

"Erm, yeah" I replied.

"What you up to?" he asked.

"I'm just taking a shit, what are you up to?" I said.

There was a brief pause and then I heard him say:

"Let me call you back in a minute mate, some cunt in the cubicle next to me is answering all my questions".

Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesn't have tourettes.

I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.

My girlfriend has lost all feeling from her waist down....

what an insensitive cunt.

My wife gets really annoyed when I use the word "cunt."

I suppose she has a point, I really should make an effort to learn her mother's real name.

There's two nuns driving down a highway

when all of a sudden satan appears on the bonnet of the car. The nun driving is shocked and says to the nun in the passenger seat, "ahh! what should I do!?" the nun in the passenger seat replies "Show him your cross!". So the nun driving leans out the window and yells "GET OFF MY BONNET YOU FUCKING CUNT!!!!"

College roommates

Two girls, one from Georgia, one from Connecticut, are going to be roommates in college in Virginia.

On move-in day, they are unpacking and settling in, when the southern belle asks "So where y'all from?"

The northern girl replies with a huff: "Well! I'm from Connecticut, where they teach us not to end a sentence with a preposition!"

The Georgian girl responds: "Oh, I apologize! Where y'all from, cunt?"

For years I thought my dad suffered from Tourette's.

Turns out he just thought I was a cunt.

I saw two guys having a fight on the train.

So, being a bouncer, I dealt with the situation accordingly.

I just stood there looking like a cunt.

I used to be a necrophiliac...

til the rotten cunt split on me

Ever wonder why you always get a boner when you look in the mirror?

That's because your dick thinks you're a cunt too!

Do you know why they call it a pap smear?

Because women wouldn't get them done if it was called a cunt scrape.

My English teacher told me "your grammar is shit"

I replied "Yeah, well your grandad's a cunt".

How do you get an old woman to shout "Cunt"?

Get another one to shout "Bingo!"

What are the funniest cunt jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Cunt? Well, here are the best Cunt puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Cunt pick up lines to share with friends.

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