Cunt Jokes

Following is our collection of asshole puns and arsehole one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Cunt jokes for adults, dirty pussy jokes and clean illiterate dad gags for kids.

The Best Cunt Puns

"I love you lots snuggles" said my girlfriend

"And I love you tons" I replied.
"Wow fine, you don't have a nickname for me?" She said angrily.
Sometimes I swear the fat cunt's going deaf.

Little Johnny is walking down the street and sees a construction site building new houses

He has a look at what's going on and he's amazed and in awe of it all. He rushes home as fast as he can. He runs in and shouts ''Dad, dad, can we play builders?'' His dad says ''Sure Johnny''

Johnny runs to the top of the stairs and shouts ''Oi, get them bricks up here now you cunt''

Hey girl, are you made of Copper, Nitrogen, Terbium, and Silver?

Because you are a CuNTbAg.

A doctor at work

A doctor's at work and has to sign some papers. He reaches into his breast pocket to get a pen and, to his surprise, pulls out a rectal thermometer instead. "Some asshole's got my pen!", he exclaims.

*Edited on the suggestion of /u/cunt-hooks*

Young boy comes home from school early from school, his mother asks him why he's home early...

Boy: 'the headmaster expelled me from school for using the C word in class!'

Mum: 'That wasn't clever was it'

Boy: 'No, it was cunt'



Sorry if repostage :/


What do you call a police-woman that shaves her pubes?

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Cuntstubble

Where y'all from?

Two freshmen girls are moving into their dorm room together.

One of them's from Georgia, one of them's from Connecticut.

The girl from Connecticut's helping her mother put up curtains.

Girl from Georgia turns to them and says, "Hi. Where y'all from?"

Girl from Connecticut says, "We're from a place where we know not to end a sentence with a preposition."

The girl from Georgia says, "Oh, beg my pardon. Where y'all from...cunt?"

I think fisting should be called ...

Uppercunting

What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs?

Cuntswaylo

NSFW This is a story about 4 people

named Everycunt, Someothercunt, Anycunt and Nocunt.
One day, there was a job that needed doing, and Someothercunt was asked to do it.
Everycunt was sure Someothercunt would do it, but Nocunt did it.
Everycunt got angry because it was Someothercunt's job.
Nocunt didn't realise that Anycunt could have done it and It ended up with Everycunt blaming Someothercunt and Nocunt doing what Anycunt could have done.

What do you call a woman who smuggles things inside her?

A cuntainer.


Two girls are setting up their new dorm room together.

One is from Georgia and the other is from Connecticut. The one from Connecticut has her mom there helping her put up some blinds. The one from Georgia asks, "Hey! Where y'all from?" The other girl replies, "We're from a place where we know not to end our sentences with prepositions." So the girl from Georgia says,

"Oh, I'm sorry. Where y'all from...cunt?"

What do you call a nation of angry women?

A cuntry.

What's a Mexican prostitute with no legs called?

Cuntswaylow

So my daughter was just doing her spelling words

So my daughter was just doing her spelling words and she spelt 'country' as 'cunt tree' , and I thought to myself 'gee, I wish I had one of those'.

This isn't a joke, it actually just happened, but thought you'd get a laugh out of it.

What do you call a Mexican midget prostitute?

Cunts-way-low!

[NSFW] What is Woody Woodpecker's girlfriend's name?

Suzy Splintercunt

What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs?

Cuntswaylow

Bonus: what do you call an Asian woman with no legs?

Dragon lips

I met this girl in a bar last night

She was very open and flirtatious. She says "hi my names Carmen, I like cars and I like men"

So I said "nice to meet you Carmen, my name is Charlie Beercunt"


What do you call an important Australian?

A significunt

I don't know how often I have had sex with another man

But it's happened cuntless times

Why do they call a "pap-smear" a "pap-smear"?

Because it sounds a lot better than "cunt-scrape".

(NSFW) What's a vagina's favorite type of music?

Cuntry!

a man catches another man climbing on his trees of vaginas.

"Hey" he yells " you don't belong here, get out of my cuntree"!!!

NSFW what do you call a long outdoor sex session?

Cross Cuntry!

What is a female peacock?

A peacunt

A man talks to a woman

-What's your name?
-My name is Alyssa, but friends call me Carmen.
-How comes?
-It's simple. Car, because i like cars and men, because i like men.
-I understand. Call me Beercunt.

Why is santa's sack so big?

Because he only comes once a year.

Like most jokes on this thread this is stolen, not being a shitcunt and taking credit...

Some people suffer from gynontology...

Commonly referred to as 'being a cunt'...

Where's the best place to keep wayward police horses?

The cunt-stable.

A homeless man approaches a rich thespian and asks him for money

The thespian says '"Neither a borrower nor a lender be." William Shakespeare"'

The homeless man says "'Cunt!' James Joyce'"

What do you call a Mexican lady with no legs?

Consuelo. Pronounced cunts-way-low

My beef stroganoff one reminded me that my childhood was all dirty jokes...

My mom had trouble giving birth to me because I was an overweight baby

That's right, I was a stuck-up-cunt.

Let's just face facts. The Miss universe competition is a...

Cuntest

Edgar Allen Poe wrote a story about nasty cars in disguise.

The mask of a cunty auto.

My Cat must think i'm his big brother or something.

Because the Cunt's always looking upto me.

What do you call a bitchy midget who can get to places quickly?

A shortcunt.

[NSFW] Do you get female dictators?

I'm not sure, but you'd probably call them cuntators.

What do you call a Mexican woman who suffers from dwarfism.

Consuelo^cunts^way^low.

There's another name for a Fleshlight.

A "Repli-cunt".

My wife uses sex to get what she wants

She's very cuntrolling!

What do call forty lesbians in a tree

A CUNTREE

A boy was sent home from school for saying the C-word

His mum said to the kid: 'that wasn't clever was it?'

 

The boy replied 'no, it was cunt'

What do you call a garbage man who kidnaps women?

A cunttainer

Do female pilots sit in a cuntpit?

After years at sea...

After years at sea, fighting wave after wave, the mathematician returned home a seacunt.

What do you call a very large number of bad people? [nsfw]

A Cuntry.

What do we want?

A cure for Tourettes!
When do we want it?
dejbxwsishcuntbxwddhiqxbjsbjx!

What do you call a hundred women in a tree?

A cuntry (country)

What is a retarded woman's favorite genre of music?

Cuntreeee

What's the name of the Mexican woman with no legs?

Cuntswaylow

What do you call a Hispanic woman with no legs?

Cuntswaylow

What do you call a country that is a rude to everybody?

A cuntry

How is a fishing rod and a woman the same?

You only pay attention when the cunt's bent over.

whats worse than a mexican ?

a mexicunt

What do you call a Mexican midget lady?

Cuntswaylow

What do you call a nasty Mexican girl?

A MexiCunt!

A man sits in a bus when...

a beautiful woman enters the bus. She takes the seat next to him and both start to exchange looks.

After a while the man takes all his confidence and asks her "So, what's your name, beautiful lady?"

She smiles and says "Carmen! ... but my real name is Sarah actually."

"So why do you prefer Carmen then?!"

"Well... first of all... I like cars... and the second reason is: I loooove men!"

"That makes sense!" says the man laughing.

"So what is your name?" Carmen asks with a big smiley on her lips.

"My name is beercunt."

Two girls move into a dorm, one from Georgia and the other from Connecticut...

The girl from GA arrives to the dorm room and finds the CT girl with her parents hanging drapes. The GA girl says "Hi, y'all! Where y'all from?" The CT girl, in a snobbish northeast attitude replies, "We're from a place where we don't end sentences in prepositions." The GA smiles politely and responds, "Beg my pardon. Where y'all from...cunt?"

Props to House of Cards for this joke, although I'm sure it's been done before.

Super Dave Seinfeld Joke

A woman is vary afraid of the size of her opening, so she goes to her mother asking what I'm going to do ...

I'm so big down there when I merry my man he's going to divorce me !

Mother says: Don't worry sweetheart, do what i do when i married your father, go to the market, get some raw liver and put it down there and he will never know the difference !

So she does that and had 8 hours of sex after her marriage. The morning after she wakes up she found a note from her husband under the pillow.

The note says: I love you darling, my heart beaten so hard last night I was afraid I was going to wake you up. Now I'm going to work so I can buy you a house, a car and all the stuff you want ! I can't wait to see you again after work !

P.S. - YOUR CUNT IS IN THE SINK !

What is a good name for a mexican female midget?

Cuntsuelo

What do you call a Mexican lady with no legs?

Cunt-sway-low

There's no 'i' in team....

But there is a 'cunt' in Scunthorpe

What do you call a female cockroach?

A **cuntroach!**

What do you get when you cross Adolf Hitler with a tree?

A cunttree

I have the patience of a Saint.

Saint Cunty McFuckoff.

What does a polite Southerner call a golden shower?

Cuntrytime Lemonade

What do you call a Mexican prostitute whom happens to be a midget?

Cuntsuelo

Why did the prostitute go to the plastic surgeon's office?

She wanted re-cunt-structive surgery.

Did you hear about the claustrophobic lesbian?

She was so cuntflicted.

Did you hear about the lesbian with ADD?

She couldn't cuntcentrate.

Little Johnny is sitting in class, the teacher is going over vocabulary words.


She asks the class to use a word in a sentence.
The teacher says the word is "contagious".
Johnny is waving his arm up and down, no other students have their arm up.
The teacher figures there is no way Johnny can come up something rude for this word, and she calls his name to use the word in a sentence.
Johnny says the other day, my dad and I were driving down the freeway and woman was painting a billboard, she was using a very small brush.
The teacher says "what does this have to do the word contagious?"
Johnny says "my dad turned to me and said: 'Son it is going to take that "cunt-ages" to paint that billboard with that little brush!'"
The teacher says, "never again!"

A lot of people think lesbian sex is confusing.

I don't. I think it's cunt-fusing.

What do you call a Latino woman with no legs?

Consuelo^(cunts-way-low).

What do you call a person who is born with both male and female genitalia?

A cuntcocktion.

There is an abundance of noddy jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 75 funniest jokes and cunt puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any slut witze you can hear about cunt.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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