cum Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious cum puns

As my cum dribbled down my girlfriend's chin I looked her in the eyes and said, Do you like that?

No , she replied, what the fuck is in this sandwich?


(Nsfw)What must a vampire ask before he has sex?

Is it alright if I cum inside?


People always say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better...

But to me it just ruins the pineapple juice.


I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night.

I asked him what on earth he was doing in there.
All he said was, "I cum in peas"..


Just broke my record for distance of ejaculation.

I've cum a long way.


How do you get an apple pregnant?

You cum in cider.


What is long, hard and has cum in it.....?

A cucumber


A father whale and his son are swimming when the son whale asks his father

"where did I come from." The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."


A man asks his wife if he can cum in her ear...

She says, "No, I'll go deaf."

He says, "Funny, I always cum in your mouth and you never shut the fuck up."


A man is having sex with his wife.

He says "How about I cum in your ear baby?"

His wife replies "No way! I'll go deaf!"

He says "That would never happen. I've been cumming in your mouth for twenty years and you never shut the fuck up."


Cum leaves the body at almost 30 miles per hour, which means it is illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.


My son said "Dad, does wanking give you muscles?"

I replied "I'm not sure son, but don't stop, I'm about to cum."


A blonde, a brunette and a redhead...

...are riding in an elevator from the 14th floor to the lobby. The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain."
The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a cum stain," she says.
The blonde leans over and tastes the spot, then says, "Well, it's nobody from this building!"


What's the difference between cider and apple juice?

My wife doesn't let me cum in apple juice :-(


Just caught an Alien in the freezer masturbating into a packet of frozen veg!

"What the fuck are you doing?" I shouted.

"Please don't hurt me." He replied. "I cum in peas."


(Slightly NSFW) The crime rate in medieval times

A renowned knight, known for the way he stands when he ejaculates, defended the kingdom so well, crime fell to the lowest levels ever heard. Some say this occurrence was random, others say it was the product of Sir Cum Stance.


What's the difference between apple juice and apple cider?

Your sister doesn't care if you cum in juice but she won't let you cum in cider.


How does my boyfriend expect me to tell him when I'm about to cum....

... when he told me that I should never call him while he's at work?


Two whales are swimming in the ocean.

A Father and a Son.

The Son turns to his father and ask "Dad where did I come from?"

Dad replies "My penis Son"

Son says "Oh.. Thanks Dad"

Dad says "You're whale cum"


A blonde, a brunette, and a red head Walk into an elevator

The brunette sees something very sticky on the floor and asks "is that sperm?" The red head bends down and smells the stuff and says "it sure smells like cum to me." The blonde kneels down gets a finger full, tastes it and proclaims "It's nobody from this building"


Street smart kid. (NSFW)

So a kid is playing outside in the yard when a car pulls up. The guy in the car says to the kid "hey kid, get in my car and i'll give you a piece of candy"

Kid says " Give me the whole bag and i'll let you cum on my face"


The "penguin"

A guy who's strapped for cash asks a prostitute what he can get for $10. She replies, "Well, for 10 bucks I'll give you a 'penguin.'" "Okay... Sure, I'll take it."

So she gets down on her knees, lowers his pants, and begins giving him a blowjob. But right before he is about to cum, she gets up and walks away. The guy is confused, and starts to waddle after her, with his pants still around his ankles. "Wait, so this is a penguin?!?"

Got this from an old PlayBoy magazine.


Having not had sex for over three years, I decided to visit a prostitute.

"How much to let me cum in your mouth?" I asked, nervously.

"That depends." She replied. "How much have you got?"

"About a Gallon and a half, probably."


Porn sites should be .cum not .com

I'm serious. It would help with the disambiguation thing


A brunette, a redhead and a blonde get onto the elevator... their apartment building. The brunette notices a stain on the wall, and comments, "That looks like dried cum!"

The redhead leans over and sniffs it. "Yep, it smells like dried cum, too."

The blonde leans in, licks the stain, and exclaims, "Well, it's not from anybody in this building!"


I just caught an alien maturbating in my freezer.

He looked up at me and said, "I cum in peas"


Three gay guys sitting in a hot tub when some cum floats to the surface.

One of them looks at the others "okay, who farted?"


Sex with me is like a race

Who will cum first?

Me or the police?


Road Head

I'm going to preface this joke by telling you that I am terrible at telling jokes, English is not my first language and if you can make this sound better by rewriting it, please do, as I'd love to hear it. Also, I haven't heard this joke before, nor have I seen it here.

So, a married couple is driving when the woman decides to give her husband head. Its going great until the man is about to cum because the car loses control, hits into a wall and the husband dies.

At the funeral, the wife stands up to say her speech. She starts:
"My husband was a great man. He wasn't a smart man, but he was a good person and a great lover. Know that he died in a moment of ecstasy."
His mother stood up and shouted "Maybe **YOU** shouldn't have been driving."


I made my girlfriend cum three times.

Which isn't great over a period of 7 months.


I gave a detailed explanation to my girlfriend why I wanted to cum on her face...

But it went over her head...


Husband and wife are talking about finances...

Wife says "Honey, you could ride your bike to work and we could sell the extra car."

Husband says "Yeah, I can see that. Or you can give me blowjobs and let me cum on your face. Then we could get rid of the nanny."


What do you call a man with no penis?

Doesn't matter what you call him, he won't cum.


Two Italian old men are overhead talking on a train... (long'ish) (dirty)

"First Emma cums, then I cum. Then Essa cums twice. Then, I cum again. Then Essa cums two more times again. Then, I cum again. Then comes a pee, and a pee one more time. Then I cum again at the end."

Disgusted by this, the lady behind them shouts out "Perverts!"

The Italian man stands up and responds, "Heya lady, I'ma just trying to teach my friend here howa to spell Mississippi."


Im hosting a charity event tonight for people who cant reach orgasm

If you can't cum let me know.


What are the most funny Cum jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Cum? Well, here are the best Cum dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Cum pick up lines to share with friends.

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