cum Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious cum stories

What are the best Cum puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Cum? Well here is a complete list of Cum to have fun with:

What is long, hard, and has cum in it?



A blonde, a brunette and a redhead...

...are riding in an elevator from the 14th floor to the lobby. The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain."
The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a cum stain," she says.
The blonde leans over and tastes the spot, then says, "Well, it's nobody from this building!"


The dirtiest joke I've ever heard, as told by my father.

So there were these two gay guys taking a shower. Just as things were starting to get sexy again, the phone rings in the living room. One of them hops out of the shower, and says

"Alright, I don't want you to mess around and cum before I get back! ;)", to which the other replies "I won't."

So he goes and answers the phone, it turned out to be a wrong number. So he comes straight back to the shower. When he opens up the curtains, there is semen *everywhere!* It's dripping from the faucet, and running down the curtains!

"I thought I told you not to mess around and cum you silly fag!"

"Ugh, you idiot. I didn't cum! I just farted."


A blonde, a brunette, and a red head Walk into an elevator

The brunette sees something very sticky on the floor and asks "is that sperm?" The red head bends down and smells the stuff and says "it sure smells like cum to me." The blonde kneels down gets a finger full, tastes it and proclaims "It's nobody from this building"


Street smart kid. (NSFW)

So a kid is playing outside in the yard when a car pulls up. The guy in the car says to the kid "hey kid, get in my car and i'll give you a piece of candy"

Kid says " Give me the whole bag and i'll let you cum on my face"


A brunette, a redhead and a blonde get onto the elevator... their apartment building. The brunette notices a stain on the wall, and comments, "That looks like dried cum!"

The redhead leans over and sniffs it. "Yep, it smells like dried cum, too."

The blonde leans in, licks the stain, and exclaims, "Well, it's not from anybody in this building!"


Husband and wife are talking about finances...

Wife says "Honey, you could ride your bike to work and we could sell the extra car."

Husband says "Yeah, I can see that. Or you can give me blowjobs and let me cum on your face. Then we could get rid of the nanny."


I watched the bonus features on a porn movie today.

It just showed a woman crying in the shower, washing all the cum out of her hair.


Everyone should have a few Masturbation Jokes

They really cum in handy.


Cum and Lotion look and taste the same....

JUST KIDDING I dont know what lotion tastes like......


what do you call dried cum?



Three men with speech impediments are in therapy

The therapist is blonde, petite, and tight as a drum.

She says to the men, "If you can tell me where you live without stuttering, I will suck your cock and let you cum in my mouth."

The first man stands up and stammers, "M-m-m-montana." He then sits down.

The next man says, "B-b-b-b-birmingham." He too sits down.

The third man stands up, composes himself, and says, "New York".

The hot blonde therapist immediately gets his cock out and gives him the best blow job he's ever had.

As he sighs with delight, he says, "C-c-c-c-city."


A guy sitting on his couch at home is hungry...

and gets up to go to the refrigerator. He's in the mood for ice cream so he opens the freezer when you suddenly sees a alien sitting there masturbating. He shouts,"Who the hell are you and why are you in my freezer?!" The alien calmly says, "Don't worry, I cum in peas."


A man is getting head from his wife...

...and tells her that he wants to cum in her ear. "I'll go deaf!" she says.

"Yeah? Well I always cum in your mouth, but you never shut the fuck up!"


What did the aliens masturbating in the fridge say?

We cum in peas


A pedophile parks his van next to a playground

He opens the door and calls out to a little boy. As the boy approaches peddy eddy proclaims "I'll give you a piece of candy if you come in my van." the little boy asses him for a moment then replies, "I'll cum in your face for the whole bag."


Jack and Rick are Discussing Their Sex Lives...

"I always cum too early," says Jack, "it's really messing with our relationship."
"Ok, I know how to fix this problem," claims Rick. "Right before you're about to do the deed, go into the bedroom and start hitting your penis on the nightstand. This will numb it up and make you last so much longer."
"Great!"" shouts Jack, as he sprints home to try it out.
He comes home to find his wife in the shower and wanting to surprise her, he begins to smack his penis on his nightstand. He hears the shower turn off and begins to smack it even harder.
"Rick? Is that you?" asks his wife.


You all need to stop with the gay jokes.

Cum on guys!


Acne and the Priest

What's the difference between acne and a priest? Acne doesn't cum on your face until you are 13


Two gay men are having sex in the shower...

the doorbell rings and the one guy steps out to answer the door. He looks back at his partner and says "Don't finish without me." After answering the door he comes back to the shower to find the shower walls covered in cum. "I told you not to finish without me?!" he says. His partner replies "I didn't..I just farted."


What do whales and milk have in common?

They both cum in gallons.


A husband and wife...

A husband and wife are about to get freaky and do the nasty. She gets down on her knees and proceeds to give her husband a blowjob when her husband eagerly asks, "Baby, can I cum in your ear?

The wife looks up horrified and says, "God, No! You cant come in my ear! I'll go deaf!"

The husband scoffs and retorts, "I know thats a fucking lie, I cum in your mouth all the time and you never shut the fuck up!"


Why did the semen cross the road?

Because I hadn't masturbated for a month.

Seriously, when I ejaculated it was six feet. Which was unusual, as usually it's cum.

Strange day.


Cowboy and Indian

A cowboy goes up to an Indian and ties his penis in a knot, the Indian asks, "How cum?"


A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are riding in an elevator

The brunette looks over to the side near the floor keys and says "that looks like cum". The redhead takes a closer look and sniffs it and says "it smells like cum". The blonde takes a closer look and licks it and says "well it tastes like cum, but it's nobody from this buildings".


A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead all walk into an elevator...

The three had just got back to work from there weekly lunch together. As they get in the elevator they notice something on the wall..

"Is that cum?" asks the blonde

The redhead goes over to it, touches it, and says "yup, definitely cum"

Next the brunette goes up to it, smells it, looks really close, and says "your right, it totally is cum"

Lastly the blonde goes up to it, tastes it, and says "huh, weird, no one from our building"


I learned an important lesson during my first circle-jerk.

Good friends are hard to cum by.


The ladies call me Amazon Prime

because i cum so fast.


A blonde walks into a department store.....

A fragrance salesperson walks up to the blonde and asks "Hi, would you like to try our new Fragrance? It's called "come to me". The blonde nods and the salesperson sprays the fragrance. The blonde takes a whiff and says "Well thanks but, this sure doesn't smell like cum to me".


3 men went on a skiing vacation

They ordered a lodge to sleep in, but when the got there, there was only 1 bed, so they had to all share it. The next morning the 2 men on the sides were covered in cum, while the middle one was fairly clean. They all came to a consensus that someone jerked off over night. The 2 on the sides both said they didn't. The dude in the middle exclaimed, I was dreaming about skiing.



Two Christian missionaries approach a tribe in Africa. They get caught, and the tribe leader gives them an option. Death, or Babaloobaba. The first missionary chooses Babaloobaba. The chief then shouts BABALOOBABA, and all the men in the tribe get excited. They tie up the missionary, and all of the men proceed to rape him in every orifice. When they are finished, the missionary is a bloody cum dump. The second missionary then exclaims "I have come to terms with God, and have decided that I want death." The chief smiles, and shouts "DEATH. BY BABALOOBABA!"


What's long, hard, and has cum in it?

... a cuCUMber.


The Most Disgusting Joke You'll Ever Hear

A young boy was licking out an old lady when all of a sudden he tasted horse cum. He sat up and said "oh...grandma, so that's how you died"


When your friends start with the Dead Baby jokes, hit them with this (NSFW): How do you blend a baby?

Feet first so you can cum in its mouth as it screams.


What do you call a pornstar who doesnt cum?

A master baiter


One of the grossest jokes I've ever been told.

So I was eating out my grandma the other day.
And I tasted a bit of horse cum.
And I thought to myself, 'Hmm I wonder if this is how she died?'


What do a hentai artist and I have in common?

We both use our hands to make me cum.


[NSFW] so there's this gay couple...

Okay, so one time there was this gay couple going at it like animals in their basement. All of a sudden, the someone rings the doorbell. Boyfriend A says "SHIT, alright honey don't jerk off or anything I'll be right back to finish you off." So he goes upstairs and promptly tells the guy to go away. As he is walking back downstairs he sees cum ALL over one of the walls. "what the fuck babe? You couldn't wait for me? It only took a minute."

"I farted."


What is long, hard, and has cum in it?

A cucumber


Are all black people uncircumcised...

Since they cum from the hood?


Gay jokes are not funny

cum on guys...


How do you get a hippy chick pregnant?

Cum on her birkenstocks and let the flies do the rest


Whats the difference between acne and a Priest?

Acne doesn't cum on a boys face until he is 13.


My friend told me he walked into his house and saw that the sheets of paper in his office were having an orgy.

I asked him, "How does paper cum?"

"Why," he replied, "in stacks, of course."


What's hard and long and has cum in it?

A cucumber!


Lucky Friend

My friend called my up the other day, happy that he finally got to cum on his wife's face.

That's the benefit of an open-casket funeral.


What's long, hard, and has cum in the middle of it?

A cucumber.


A package comes in the mail at the post office & it's business as usual...

But when I cum in the mail at the post office it's public indecency & a felony..


What did the Indian woman say during sex?

Please cum again!


A blonde and brunette live together (NSFW)

The blonde is looking at herself in the mirror and says

"you know, one of these days I'm going to ask my doctor how many calories cum has"

The brunette looks up and says

"If you're swallowing enough of it to make a difference I doubt he'll care if you put on a pound or two"



You've read some of the best cum jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty cum gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

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