Cucumbers Jokes

Following is our collection of guacamole puns and pickle one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Cucumbers jokes for adults, dirty grocer jokes and clean carrots dad gags for kids.

The Best Cucumbers Puns

Did you know that cucumbers are good for your memory ?

Because I got one stuck in my ass a couple years ago and me, my family and doctor still remember it vividly

Three nuns are talking about their gardens, one of them is deaf.

The first nun said "the cucumbers are growing fairly well, they're this big" and showed them how big it is with her hands.

The second nun said "that's great! The carrots are doing great too, they're this big" and showed them how big it is with her hands.

The deaf nun shouts "which priest you talking about?"

Back in the days of the USSR, two men stood in a block-long line for cucumbers...

Suddenly one of them snaps, and yells "This is an outrage! Waiting for hours for a couple of lousy cucumbers! I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate the fools responsible for this!" and stomps off. A couple hours later, he's back.
One of the other people in line asks "Did you kill the guy in the Kremlin?"
The first guy responds "You think *this* line is long?"

A Beautiful Woman Loves Growing Tomatoes

A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?" He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much. "The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to the garden. Her neighbor asks, "How did it go? Did you tomatoes turn red?" "No," she replies, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

Did you know cucumbers improve your memory?

My uncle put one in me when I was a kid and I still haven't forgotten.

NSFW What's the difference between sex and lunch?

Depends on where you put the cucumber.

Worked in a fruit and veg shop, guy stopped me packing cucumbers to tell me that.

A worm munches himself into the center of a cucumber.

He keeps eating the delicious cucumber center when all of a sudden he feels himself lifted into the sky and thrust into a jar. He peaks out of the cucumber to see a bunch of other cucumbers. All of a sudden he sees liquid being poured inside the jar.

He crawled back inside his cucumber grave where he thought to himself "I'm really in a pickle this time."

Why are some cucumbers individually wrapped with plastic at the grocery store?

Double usage

Pale Tomatoes...

Two women are talking while gardening. "Oh, I am SO jealous of your tomatoes. Mine are so pale and yours are bright red.".

"It's easy, just walk out in your nightgown early in the morning and flash them. They'll be bright red after a couple of days."

They meet again a few weeks later.

"Hey, did my hint about your tomatoes help?"

"Huh. The tomatoes are still pale, but my cucumbers are like five feet...".

Cucumbers are 95% water, Jesus can walk on water...

I can walk on cucumbers so I am 95% Jesus.

Why is there plastic on cucumbers?

So you can eat them after use

Two nuns are out for a stroll...

... they happen by a produce stand with lots fresh-from-the-farm offerings.

The first nun says "Oh my, look at those cucumbers. They look great and they're huge!"

The second nun nods her head excitedly and asks: "How much are those cucumbers young man?"

"They're three for two dollars," he replies.

The nuns smile at the vendor, then at each other.

The first nun says "Well, I guess we'll have to *eat* one!"

Not sure if reposting but I thought this was funny.

So there are three girls in line for cucumbers. The first girl gets to the front of the line and says " I want a long and skinny cucumber". The second girl came up and said " I want a short and fat cucumber". The last girl came up and said " I just want a cucumber that's good for making a salad."

Farming advice

A farmer notices that her neighbor produces a lot of big tomatoes every year, so she asks him what his secret was. He says that he walks naked every morning as the sun raises. The next harvest he checks up on his neighbor, and asked if she had good tomatoes this year. She says, I walked around the garden naked every morning as you said but not that many tomatoes, but the cucumbers surely got big this year.

awkward moment in shop for 2 old ladies...

A pair of old ladies are waiting in line at the checkout, with a cucumber each.

When they reach the checkout the young man says to them they can have both cucumbers for 80c or a store special of 3 cucumbers for a $1.

One lady turns to the other & says:

'Well we could always eat one...'

Did you know cucumbers are actually really good for your memory?

My uncle put one in my ass 12 years ago and I still remember it.

Why are cats afraid of cucumbers?

They dont like anything cooler than they are.

A woman asked the grocer if he had any cucumbers.

He said, Yep, they're 79 cents each or two for a dollar. She said, Okay, give me two, I'll eat one.

Why are cucumbers sold in plastic wrapping?

So you can still eat them after using them.

In my Horticulture class we were supposed to grow cucumbers, but I didn't pay attention to the lessons.

You could say I was in a pickle.

What do you call 10 cucumbers in line?


There was a mollusk and a sea cucumber

There was this mollusk and he walks up to a sea cucumber. Normally they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke, everyone talks.

So just then, the sea cucumber looks over to the mollusk and says, "With fronds like these, who needs anenomes?

So I went to Subway the other day

I ordered the usual, roast beef with cucumbers, lettuce and Chipotle sauce.

When I got the sandwich, it was mouldy and looked like it had been used many times before, so I handed back to the employee who had made it.

He looked at it for a while before saying "oh yeah, this sub has a lot of recycled content."

What's the difference between a Man and a Cucumber?

Cucumbers don't mind hiding in the fridge when your Mum gets home

I like my woman just like my cucumbers


Why is it that pickled cucumbers are just called "pickles"

while pickled human fingers are called "evidence"?

How do you know if a blonde has been in the refrigerator?

There's lipstick on the cucumbers.

A lady goes to the supermarket

She brings all her items to the cashier who looks at everything closely as he scans them: 6 eggs, two tomatoes, two cucumbers, one onion, and one carton of milk. After the last item he looks to her and says "you're single aren't you?"
She looks from her items back at him incredulously "Yes! How did you know?"
"Because you're ugly"

What do you call it when a vegan is carrying more cucumbers than they can handle?

Over Encumbered

On the topic of pleasurable foods, my friend said she likes cucumbers for their "multiple uses." She said she doesnt like pickles. I said...

It's better with some dill dho

Some people say cucumbers are a fruit, while others say they are a vegetable.

It's a pickle alright.

Driving through the Country

My boyfriend saw a farm as we drove by and read the name out loud- "There's Falak Farm."

I replied- "Yeah, they must grow cucumbers and eggplant there."

I saw a cockerel in a store looking at the tomatoes, cucumbers and lettuce...

I knew what it was - it was a chicken Caesar salad. (chicken sees a salad).

Benedict Cumberbatch, if we dissect his name it means "Blessed batch of cucumbers"

In other words, he is just a jar of Kosher Dill Pickles

What's do pickles and girls have in common?

They both come from cucumbers

Did you hear about the Indian novelist made up of yogurt, cucumbers and onions?

He was a paperback raita..

I've decided to stop school and take a gape-year...

...I hope to be able to fit at least 3 cucumbers by the end of it.

You know why your cucumbers come wrapped?

So you can use them before you eat them

Why are cucumbers often sold in plasticwrap?

So you can use them twice

What do you call a line of cucumbers?

Why are cucumbers always so stressed when put in vinegar?

They know that they will inevitably be in a pickle

i am not jesus

Jesus can wallk on water..,, correct?
Well,.. I can walk on cucumbers. As you may know, cucumbers are 98% water. So
I am 98% Jesus.

I like to make a sandwich with just cucumbers and pickles...

I call it the Before and After

Why are cats so afraid of cucumbers?

Because they're 96% water

The cucumbers are taking over my garden and trying to starve all the other vegetables out.

It's a war of nutrition.

What did the apple say to the two cucumbers?

You belong together.

Father & Son

A father and son are going for a walk.

The son turns to the father, and asks "did you know cows can give milk?"
The father replies "so do some sheep."

They walk a bit more, and the son asks "did you know trees can grow fruit?"
The father replies "so do some bushes."

They walk a little further down the trail and the son asks "did you know pickles come from cucumbers?"
The father replies "so do some girls!"

There is an abundance of vinegar jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 47 funniest jokes and cucumbers puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any turnips witze you can hear about cucumbers.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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