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Cucumber Jokes

137 cucumber jokes and hilarious cucumber puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cucumber that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Cucumber jokes are a dime a dozen, but we've got the best, funniest, and most clever cucumber jokes right here!

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Popular Cucumber Short Jokes

Short cucumber jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cucumber humour may include short zucchini jokes also.

  1. YUK! A man walks in on his daughter pleasuring her-self with a cucumber.
    He yells at her: "Oh god, that's disgusting! I was going to eat that, and now it's gonna taste of cucumber"
  2. A man gets home and sees his wife pleasuring herself with a cucumber "What are you doing?" he shouts, "I have to eat that later, and I don't want it tasting like cucumber!"
  3. 3 women in a bar are comparing how loose they are... One claimed they could fit a sausage, another claimed they can fit a cucumber and the other slid down the bar stool.
  4. Did you know cucumbers improve your memory? My uncle put one in me when I was a kid and I still haven't forgotten.
  5. A dad walks into his daughter's room and saw her fapping with a cucumber, he said: Hey! I was going to eat that, now it's going to taste like cucumber!
  6. Why do cucumbers have a plastic wrapper around them? So you can still eat them after usage
  7. Jesus can walk over water Jesus can walk over water. I can walk over a cucumber. A cucumber exists of 90% water. This means I'm 90% Jesus.
  8. What's the difference between a good meal and a good time? Well, it depends on where you put the cucumber.
  9. Did you hear about the cucumber who sold his soul to be pickled? He made a dill with the devil.
  10. I wanted something from my colleague so I asked him - How busy are you today? He replied As busy as a cucumber in a women's prison !

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Cucumber One Liners

Which cucumber one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cucumber? I can suggest the ones about cabbage and squash.

  1. What do you call a cold cucumber? A cucumbrrr.
  2. Why did the cucumber blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
  3. Me: How much for the goth cucumber? Clerk: That's a cactus.
  4. What's a cucumber farmers worst nightmare? Squatters.
  5. Hey man, how much for the goth cucumber? Sir, that's a cactus.
  6. I've been stuck in this cucumber costume so long... That now I'm in a pickle
  7. What makes a cucumber turn into a pickle? A jarring experience
  8. What does it take for a cucumber to become a pickle? A jarring experience.
  9. I just pickled a cucumber! It's kind of a big dill.
  10. Why is there plastic on cucumbers? So you can eat them after use
  11. What do you call a Parisian who enjoys canning cucumbers? A French Pickler.
  12. A bad metaphor is like a cucumber with a parachute.
  13. What did the halal lettuce say to the halal cucumber ? Lets make salat
  14. A cucumber made a deal with the devil. He is quite in a pickle now.
    Source: Stole it.
  15. What's lamer than a lemon but cooler than a cucumber? A radish.

Cucumber Pickle Jokes

Here is a list of funny cucumber pickle jokes and even better cucumber pickle puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A beetle was happily eating a cucumber, but then the cucumber suddenly was immersed in vinegar As the beetle started to burn it thought, *"Uh oh, now I'm really in a pickle."*
  • I fell in love with a cucumber farmer. We had many good years together but then, as these things do, it turned sour.
    Long story short: I'm in a bit of a pickle.
  • What did the pickle say to the cucumber? Come on in the water's brine!
  • Larry the Cucumber was having trouble. Bob the Tomatoe walked in and said, "Sounds like quite the pickle".
  • In my Horticulture class we were supposed to grow cucumbers, but I didn't pay attention to the lessons. You could say I was in a pickle.
  • I was trapped inside a cucumber, then it fell into vinegar Now I'm really in a pickle.
  • Why is it that pickled cucumbers are just called "pickles" while pickled human fingers are called "evidence"?
  • How does a cucumber become a pickle? It goes through a jarring experience.
  • What did the cucumber say to the pickle? Nothing, they can't talk.
  • I like my woman just like my cucumbers Pickled

Cucumber Water Jokes

Here is a list of funny cucumber water jokes and even better cucumber water puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Cucumbers are 95% water, Jesus can walk on water... I can walk on cucumbers so I am 95% Jesus.
  • i am not jesus Jesus can wallk on water..,, correct?
    Yess!
    Well,.. I can walk on cucumbers. As you may know, cucumbers are 98% water. So
    I am 98% Jesus.
    ;)
  • Why are cats so afraid of cucumbers? Because they're 96% water
  • What do cats call cucumbers? Water snakes
Cucumber joke, What do cats call cucumbers?

Sea Cucumber Jokes

Here is a list of funny sea cucumber jokes and even better sea cucumber puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • So there's this mollusk And he walks up to the sea cucumber and he says, "With knees like these, who needs anemones!"
  • What do you call a vegetable optometrist? A sea cucumber.
  • How to tell the difference between a cucumber and a sea cucumber? Ask it, if you drown - it's a sea cucumber. If you still alive - you're talking to a vegetable.
  • what did the sea snail say to the sea cucumber?
    *nothing they don't communicate the same way you dingus*
  • I told my girlfriend that she looks like a sea cucumber It's not surprising considering she's a cucumber.
  • Animal: Sea Cucumber Description: fat and cu-cumbersome.
Cucumber joke, Animal: Sea Cucumber

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about cucumber can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of cucumber puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Laughable Cucumber Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles

What funny jokes about cucumber you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean eggplant jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make cucumber prank.

Oversexed husband

A woman is telling her friend, "My husband is so oversexed, everything little I do seems to turn him on. Yesterday he saw me holding a cucumber and he lifted up my skirt and took me from behind right on the spot."
The friend says, "And you're complaining? I think that sounds great!"
"Well, me too, but the Safeway manager didn't think so."

So a guy walks in on his daughter m**... with a cucumber.

"SICK!" he said.
"I was going to eat that.... Now it's going to taste like cucumber."

Farming advice

A farmer notices that her neighbor produces a lot of big tomatoes every year, so she asks him what his secret was. He says that he walks n**... every morning as the sun raises. The next harvest he checks up on his neighbor, and asked if she had good tomatoes this year. She says, I walked around the garden n**... every morning as you said but not that many tomatoes, but the cucumbers surely got big this year.

Since they were a married, a couple has only had s**... with the lights off.

One day, the woman decides to turn the lights on, so while they're doing it, she turns them on and sees that he's shoving a cucumber in her.
She yells: Will you tell me what you're doing?!
The husband answers: I will if you tell me where our children are from.

Not sure if reposting but I thought this was funny.

So there are three girls in line for cucumbers. The first girl gets to the front of the line and says " I want a long and skinny cucumber". The second girl came up and said " I want a short and fat cucumber". The last girl came up and said " I just want a cucumber that's good for making a salad."

So a horse walks into a bar..

and a duck walks into a bar
and a buffalo walks into a bar
and a cucumber walks into a bar
and a tomato walks into a bar...
and the bartender says "Alright, what is this? Some kind of joke?"

Old, but gold

A woman goes to the market.
She says to the greengrocer: "I would like to purchase a cucumber"
The vendor answers: "Buy two, so you can eat one"

What's the definition of suspicion?

Nun doing press ups in a cucumber field.

Vegetables

What did the cucumber say to the cabbage when they got kidnapped by the tomato?
Lettuce go

Single Ladies.

A woman was once buying a very large cucumber, some condoms, and some Vaseline. She gets up to the checkout counter and the cashier says, "I can tell you're single." The flirtatious woman replies, "Oh really, how can you tell that?" The man looks at her with a stern face and says, "Because you're ugly."

What did the squash say to the cucumber when he saw the pumpkin patch get blown up?

Oh My Gourd!

As I went to reach for the largest cucumber....

As I went to reach for the largest cucumber in the supermarket a woman also went to grab it.
"Oh yeah, I bet I know why you want the biggest one," I winked.
"You've got me," she giggled, "do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?"
"No thanks," I replied, "I've got better things to do with my time than stand watching a woman make sandwiches."

3 women sitting at a bar

3 women are sitting at a bar. They start discussing m**....The first woman proudly proclaims
"I can fit 2 fingers!"
The second says
"Well I can fit a whole cucumber!"
The third slipped down the stool.

A Mexican, an Arab, and a r**... girl......

A Mexican, an Arab, and a r**... girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his p**..., and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The r**... girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says:
'In America we have so many i**... aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

Three nuns are talking about their gardens, one of them is deaf.

The first nun said "the cucumbers are growing fairly well, they're this big" and showed them how big it is with her hands.
The second nun said "that's great! The carrots are doing great too, they're this big" and showed them how big it is with her hands.
The deaf nun shouts "which priest you talking about?"

Cucumber, carrot, banana - none of them used for scale

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me Doc?" he asks.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly!"

Back in the days of the USSR, two men stood in a block-long line for cucumbers...

Suddenly one of them snaps, and yells "This is an outrage! Waiting for hours for a couple of lousy cucumbers! I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate the fools responsible for this!" and stomps off. A couple hours later, he's back.
One of the other people in line asks "Did you kill the guy in the Kremlin?"
The first guy responds "You think *this* line is long?"

A nun walks into a grocery store

Nun: "Hi I'd like to buy a cucumber."
Clerk: "Well, why don't you buy two, so you can eat one."

Proud father...

I'm really proud of my daughter. She's taken her new vegetable diet very well. Just last night I found a cucumber in her room.

A man sees his wife taking a......

cucumber from the fridge. Being the gentleman that he is he offers to slice it up for her. She turns to him with a look of disgust on her face and says, 'what do you think I am, a slot machine?'

Why are cucumbers sold in plastic wrapping?

So you can still eat them after using them.

My son asked me where babies come from

"They come out of mommy's belly" I said
He then asked, "Well where do they come out?"
"Through a special hole between her legs" I replied
"Well I think she's having another one, I saw her yesterday feeding it a cucumber"

A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket...

...when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says sorry do you know me?
She replies I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, he says are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my rear?
No , she replies, I'm your son's English Teacher

a stepfather walks in on his stepdaughter

a stepfather walks into his stepdaughter's room, as he walks in he sees his stepdaughter pleasuring herself with a cucumber, in disgust he leaves her room as fast as possible
he then says,"d**... I was gonna eat that!..................
now it will taste like cucumber"

What is a cucumber and a dolphin doing in the same room?

Sushi

A man walks into the psychiatrist's office

A man walks into the psychiatrist's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear and he says,
"I don't know what's the matter with me lately"
The psychiatrist says, "You're not eating properly."

A Beautiful Woman Loves Growing Tomatoes

A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?" He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much. "The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to the garden. Her neighbor asks, "How did it go? Did you tomatoes turn red?" "No," she replies, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

Why are some cucumbers individually wrapped with plastic at the grocery store?

Double usage

I found a cucumber on the bathroom floor.

I looked at it, disgusted, and showed it to my wife.
I said, "Have you been m**... with this?"
"No!" she gasped.
I said, "Then why is it covered in cobwebs?"

Three women are sitting at a bar talking about how loose they are...

One can fit in a sausage, one can fit in a cucumber and the third one just slides down onto the bar stool.

I was in the process of making a cucumber salad for an important culinary exam.

I was in the proccess of making a cucumber salad for an important culinary exam. I went and grabbed the last cucumber from the refrigerator, but on my way back I tripped. The cucumber fell into some brine, and by the time I'd fished it out it was to late. Now I've got a real pickle in my hands.

I accidentally walked in on my daughter m**...

I accidentally walked in on my daughter m**... with a cucumber and I immediately shut the door.
"Ewe g**..., I was going to eat that later, now it's going to taste like a cucumber"

There was a mollusk and a sea cucumber

There was this mollusk and he walks up to a sea cucumber. Normally they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke, everyone talks.
So just then, the sea cucumber looks over to the mollusk and says, "With fronds like these, who needs anenomes?

Three girls sit at a bar bragging about how loose they are.

The first says she can fit a sausage. The second says a cucumber. The third starts to slide down the bar stool

Two nuns are out for a stroll...

... they happen by a produce stand with lots fresh-from-the-farm offerings.
The first nun says "Oh my, look at those cucumbers. They look great and they're huge!"
The second nun nods her head excitedly and asks: "How much are those cucumbers young man?"
"They're three for two dollars," he replies.
The nuns smile at the vendor, then at each other.
The first nun says "Well, I guess we'll have to *eat* one!"

A worm munches himself into the center of a cucumber.

He keeps eating the delicious cucumber center when all of a sudden he feels himself lifted into the sky and t**... into a jar. He peaks out of the cucumber to see a bunch of other cucumbers. All of a sudden he sees liquid being poured inside the jar.
He crawled back inside his cucumber grave where he thought to himself "I'm really in a pickle this time."

Whenever I see a commercial with a woman looking fully relaxed in a tub with 2 round slices of cucumber on her eyes ...

I wonder where the rest of the cucumber is.

Welcome to cucumber club...

Is this your first time?"
"Yes, I'm a newcumber ..."

James and giant peach should have been serialized into a number of films.

Dave and the giant strawberry.
John and the giant cantelope.
Your mom and the giant cucumber.

Three women walk into a bar and are talking about how loose they are,

The first one fits a hot dog, the second a cucumber and the last one slides down the bar stool.

Pale Tomatoes...

Two women are talking while gardening. "Oh, I am SO jealous of your tomatoes. Mine are so pale and yours are bright red.".
"It's easy, just walk out in your nightgown early in the morning and flash them. They'll be bright red after a couple of days."
They meet again a few weeks later.
"Hey, did my hint about your tomatoes help?"
"Huh. The tomatoes are still pale, but my cucumbers are like five feet...".

A woman goes to the grocery store

A woman goes to the grocery store. It's a regular Saturday afternoon. At the end of the shopping she is going to the cashier. She puts following items on the conveyor belt: pepper, cucumber, salami, ham, cheese and Oreos. The cashier does his job and scanns the items and then asks: "madam, are you single?". The woman is confused and asks: "yes, how do you know?". The cashier replies: "because you are ugly af."

An old woman goes to a clinic

She runs some tests, then somehow the results are mistakenly mixed and she ends up with another woman's test results.
She takes it to the professionals and they confusedly tell her that the results show that she's pregnant.
She gets shocked by the news, freezes for a moment and then says
Sweet lord, you can't even trust a cucumber nowadays

A woman asked the grocer if he had any cucumbers.

He said, Yep, they're 79 cents each or two for a dollar. She said, Okay, give me two, I'll eat one.

Three Prostitutes are in a bar, discussing how loose they are.

The first fits a sausage.
The second fits a cucumber.
The third laughs, and slides down the barstool.

A father walks in on her daughter pleasuring herself with a cucumber.

"g**..." he says, "I was gonna eat it. Now it will taste like cucumber."

A boy complains to his father

Dad, you told me to put a cucumber in my swimming shorts to impress the girls at the pool, but you forgot to tell me something!
Really, What was that? , said the father
The cucumber was supposed to go in the front

A farmer gave me some good advice

He told me the difference between a good meal and a good time is where you put the cucumber.

Why are cats afraid of cucumbers?

They dont like anything cooler than they are.

Did you know cucumbers are actually really good for your memory?

My uncle put one in my a**... 12 years ago and I still remember it.

Why did the laziest person at the factory keep a cucumber in their pocket?

They wanted everyone to think they were working hard.

Did you know that cucumbers are good for your memory ?

Because I got one stuck in my a**... a couple years ago and me, my family and doctor still remember it vividly

A man walks into a doctor's office

He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.
What's the matter with me? he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, You're not eating properly.

Put some lettuce, sliced tomatoes, cucumber in front of a chicken, what does it see?

The chicken sees a salad!

awkward moment in shop for 2 old ladies...

A pair of old ladies are waiting in line at the checkout, with a cucumber each.
When they reach the checkout the young man says to them they can have both cucumbers for 80c or a store special of 3 cucumbers for a $1.
One lady turns to the other & says:
'Well we could always eat one...'

What's the difference between hungry and h**...?

It depends on where you put the cucumber

Cucumber joke, What's the difference between hungry and h**...?

jokes about cucumber

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these cucumber jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.